Key and Peele (2012) s01e08 Episode Script

1 All right, you're doing fine, Sweetie.
Now, Malia, let's just go easy on the gas here and come to a complete stop.
Okay So in the future, you want to try not to go through Stop signs.
(tires screeching) (siren wailing) Okay, just remain calm now, and what you're gonna want to do is pull up right here next to the curb.
And this is--this is why we want to stay in the lines and we want to follow rules, okay? Remember this.
(police chatter over radio) License and registration Holy Mr.
President! Yeah, yeah, just, uh, teaching Malia to drive here.
Well, you guys ran a stop sign back there, but that's okay.
you can go.
Oh, no, no, no.
Malia's gotta learn what it's like to drive in the real world here.
This is called consequences, Malia.
Now, I want you to go ahead and treat us like you would if I weren't the President.
Not exactly what I had in mind.
(soul music) (cheers and applause) Wow.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
Thank you so much.
- All right.
- Welcome to the show.
What is up? I'm Jordan.
I am Keegan, and this is Key & Peele.
Yes.
(cheers and applause) Thank you.
So Jordan and I have known each other for quite some time, and there was a period of time when we lived together for about seven months, uh, in his apartment.
How do I-- What is the most diplomatic way - to describe your apartment? - Just say it.
- Raw compost.
- Okay.
(laughter) - It's not that bad.
- It's-- It is-- Dude, his kitchen-- your kitchen and your bathroom are health hazards.
Once-- Jordan, one time I was in there wa-- I went into the kitchen, I said, "You know what? I'm gonna wash the dishes.
" - And I--oh.
- Okay.
I, like, threw up a little bit in my mouth right now just thinking about your kitchen.
All right, no, I I operate in a very distinct ecosystem, okay? Yes, there is a little bit of mold, but the roaches eat the mold, so And (audience groaning) the mice eat the roaches.
I eat the mice.
Nants ingonya.
Circle of life, bitch.
That's all it is.
(cheers and applause) That's my house.
(buzzer sounds on TV) Ooh, and that's halftime.
- Oh! - What? - Oh, my gosh! - What a half! - That is crazy! - Oh, my God.
- Oh, my gosh.
- Hey, uh Forgot to tell ya, congratulations - on getting the new job.
- Oh, thanks, man.
- I appreciate it.
- Awesome, that's awesome.
Yeah, and thank you for inviting me over here - to the game today.
- Oh, no problem.
I mean, you're my best friend.
Wow, thanks, man.
Hey, you know what? You're my best friend too.
- Cool.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Wrote a song about it.
- (laughs) Not gonna sing it or anything, 'cause that would be gay.
(laughing) That's pretty gay.
All right, I'll give it a shot.
(clears throat) Wally, you're my best friend Together we can change the world We've been together through thick and thin Playing ball and talking to girls Wally, I'm so proud of you You know you've taken all of my advice Wait, stop, stop, stop, stop What advice? Oh, um It's just a song, dude.
I mean, like, can I finish? - Yep.
- And then we can? - O-okay.
- All right.
(clears throat) You've done everything I've asked of you And you never, ever questioned twice What are you talking about? Thank you for doing what I told you to Your achievements are also mine My padawan You make your Sensei proud Living your life Living your life (low) Two, three, four Living your life to my design That was the weirdest song I've ever heard in my life, so-- You have listened to your elders - I'm older than you! - Never forget - the words I say - Okay, I, uh, don't like your song, so I'm gonna bounce.
You are product of my creation - What? No I'm not.
- I have shown you the way Except for that you haven't.
You haven't.
Modulate You just say what you're doing? Like the white wolf guides his cubs Through the plains of the caribou Shut up! I have done all I can The rest is up to (high) you My wolf cub is all grown up.
(shudders) Come on, this is some-- My man's been up there ten minutes.
Okay, clear.
(beep) Okay, the number pressing now.
(beep) No, just hold on a second, Malia, all right? Just gotta (beeping) Sorry, everyone, it's taking so long.
(crowd fawning) Oh, my God, Obama! Obama! How you doing, sir? It's me.
Just showing my daughter how to use the ATM Having a little trouble with the machine.
Oh, you having trouble with the machine? Oh, man, we'll chip in! We'll chip in right now, man, Then you can be on your way! No, no, no, no, no.
I'm trying to show Malia what life is like in the real world here, all right? So just do me a favor, treat me like you would - anyone else in this situation.
- Okay.
Yes, sir.
Yes, sir.
All right.
[bleep.]
hurry up, man! Is your tie stuck in the damn machine? What are you doing, man? People trying to get they money up here! Not exactly what I had in mind.
(crowd heckling) Go on then! - Didn't even get your money.
- Dad! Dad! Dad! Dad! (beeping) Come on, girl, hurry up, man.
You got seven-- Oh, okay, no.
Take your time.
Take your time.
Take your time.
(soul music) (cheers and applause) Now, uh, Keegan and I always have a fun time discussing the crappy apartments we've lived in - Yes.
- In our lives.
Right, and I was just telling you recently about how in '97 I moved into an apartment with two friends in my hometown of Detroit.
And, uh, we got broken into five times in six weeks.
It's gotta be a record.
I don't see how that's possible.
Yeah, uh, it's Detroit, So (mutters) And the first time we got broken into - Mm-hmm.
- I mean, the cops came in, they're examining the apartment, and they're making their way out of the apartment.
There is a bloody fingerprint on the wall.
And so I said to the cop, "Um, excuse me, you know, "I just wanted to point out that there's a fingerprint here if maybe you wanted to dust that or something.
" - Mm-hmm, straight evidence.
- Yeah.
This is what he says to me.
He goes, "Aw, naw, man.
That-- That's just on TV.
" (laughter) What? What are we doing in this neighborhood? Come on, this place is in our price range.
Besides, I mean, people say the neighborhood's - turning around.
- Who the [bleep.]
there! It's Jordan and Keira.
We're here to view the apartment at 3:00.
(laughs) Oh [bleep.]
, my bad.
I had this homeless crackhead trying to set up house in here yesterday.
Almost had to beat his ass, man.
But y'all ain't got nothing to worry about, 'cause anybody try to get up in here, I will murder them.
Let me give y'all the tour.
All right, so we got these vintage windows.
They been here as long as the building's been here.
(car approaching) Oh [bleep.]
! Get away from the window! Get away from the window! Hey! Hey! You, [bleep.]
! I see you out there! You get out that car, and I will murder you! (engine revving, tires squeal) That's what I thought! So roll on, you little [bleep.]
! Roll on! My nephew, Craig.
He a good kid.
He smoke crack, though.
Go ahead and Just, uh, just in case he come back.
- Uh - And I filed the serial number off that, so if you gotta shoot anybody, Just make sure to wipe your fingerprints off this [bleep.]
.
Well, come on, y'all.
I ain't gonna bite you.
Brand-new cupboards.
I put the contact paper in myself here so y'all don't get no germs.
(car approaching) Get down! (hip-hop music playing outside) Nah, ain't no thing.
I thought Craig was rolling back.
I ain't getting shot by this [bleep.]
twice, damn.
While we down here, Check this out.
Original hardwood floor from when the building was built.
Check out this grain, brother.
Whoo! That is craftsmanship! Anyway, come on.
(grunting) Now, this paint is all new, and-- Aw [bleep.]
.
Okay, this--this happened after I had painted.
Funny story, we got crackheads in this neighborhood, and one of them lived right next door here, right? And one day, he was smoking crack, just went looney tunes and mistook his 9mm-- that's a pistol, honey-- for the remote control.
But don't worry, you ain't never gonna see him again.
(intense) Ain't nobody ever gonna see him again.
Plus, I'm gonna put a fancy little hook in there and turn it into a hat rack.
No let's take a look at this bedroom.
What the [bleep.]
? I found this place first! Found it? Man, I own this place! Can y'all give me a second? Aah! (grunts, impacts) You gonna bite me, [bleep.]
? I will cut you with my sword cane! Aah! (shuddering) So that's gonna be first month and last month's rent and one-month security deposit.
I'll get the paperwork started.
Okay, baby, let's hit this rock real quick.
And now we have a special treat.
Hold on to your yarmulkes, okay? "From east to west, you know they're the best.
Getting you in the zone for your milestone.
" Is that cute? Please welcome Gafilta Fresh and Dr.
Dreidel! (hip-hop music) Yeah! What's up, Temple Beth Israel? Yo, is there a Daniel Rosenblum in the hizzouse? - Oh, yeah! - What's up, man? Aw, yeah! What's up, my man? - Yeah, all right! - All right! (hip-hop remix of "Hava Nagila" plays) When you see black people at a bar mitzvah, it's very exciting.
It's like a scary ride.
And the kids just love it.
Right now, we are the number-one Bar/bat mitzvah party motivators in all of Nassau County.
I mean, you got the Bat Mizzles, you know? Oys to Men, you know? All of them coming through like (yiddish pronunciation) with the recycled dreck.
And I mean, the chutzpah of these guys with their fakakta shtick.
It's a real shanda on what it's supposed to be.
- A simcha.
- Yeah.
- It's supposed to be a simcha.
- Mm-hmm.
You just really can't put a price on the look on your child's face when they see a black person for the first time.
It's (t-shirt gun fires) It's just magical, really.
Is he getting back up or what? We are not technically chosen.
We're chosen by the chosen.
Which is kind of better than being just the chosen.
That's right.
It's less responsibility.
Jews are like black people, but we were black people before there were black people.
Um well, I guess that's not true.
They were just in a (t-shirt gun fires) different part of, uh, the world.
Oh, black people coming to get me! Help! ("Hava Nagila" remix plays) Yeah, you know, Beth Israel! (cheers and applause) We find it spiritually intoxicating, we find it culturally fascinating, and we find it monetarily exhilarating.
(both) When we say Sarah You say Schwartzman Sarah! (all) Schwartzman.
- (both) Sarah! - (all) Schwartzman.
- Yeah! - There you go, yeah! I mean, the fact that we're willing to put forth the extra time is what sets us apart.
I mean, how often is a 13-year-old gonna hear their own name? We learn that name.
We rehearse it.
Go Daniel! Go Daniel! Go Daniel! Go Daniel! Judaism can be a very somber religion.
That's right.
You know, something we learned along the way is that the word "ghetto" means something very different to these people.
To tell you the truth, I was a little nervous about the whole thing.
No, not because they were black, but because you never really know what those kind of people are gonna do.
If we can add some fun, some life, some color to a Jewish person's life when they're still young-- They might not grow up and run away from black people - when they see them.
- No, maybe they won't - Or, uh - Fire people so willy-nilly when they're older.
We provide a service to these people.
(party music playing) Yeah! We motivate parties.
That's we do.
That's we do.
We motivate parties.
(soul music) So we're fascinated with movies these days, because movies have gone crazy.
- Oh, yeah.
- They have the 3-D, amazing effects, amazing sound.
They spend so much money, and it looks so good.
Why can't they just get the simple [bleep.]
right, though? You know what I'm talking about? The next time you go to a movie, when you watch somebody on the phone, I guarantee you they will not say good-bye.
- Yes.
- It won't happen.
"Honey, I promise you that I will be home "for you and the kids on Thanksgiving.
" (laughter) You can't You can't get away with that.
You never see the scene where somebody calls back talking about (mimics dialing tones) "Why'd you hang up on me?" "Oh, I was just What? "I didn't What are you talking about?" (cheers and applause) Or my favorite is after a shower, or love-making, how come every person in the film, when they get out, - just immediately put this - Towel, towel.
Talking about in your own house by yourself! No.
I get out of the shower, I'm ass-naked - all over the place.
- Yes! Oh, dude, if I'm home alone, I will put my balls on a bookshelf.
I don't care.
(laughter) I'll just make something up because I can.
(grunts) Please! No! No! No! (laughing) What-- What's the joke? What? I-I don't get it.
Man, you shot that damn fool! (laughing) Oh Yeah, no.
I still don't get it.
Hey, man, ain't nothing to get.
[bleep.]
is just funny, man.
Dude can't snitch now.
(laughing) (laughing nervously) Man, don't fake laugh.
Huh? That's not real.
I can tell.
No, I think it's really funny.
No, you don't.
Look at him! Sitting there all dead.
(laughing) (laughing tentatively) He was 20, and now he's dead.
Ain't never gonna have a wife or kids now.
Man, what are you doing? Wife and kids? That [bleep.]
ain't funny.
(chuckling) His mom and dad ain't never gonna see him again.
No.
No.
You're ruining it for me.
Okay, well, I guess I just don't get it then.
It's just that you shot him.
That's all! That's the whole thing! Oh, okay, so Oh! The hell is wrong with you? You don't shoot a dude that's already dead! That's not funny! Oh.
Aah! - (laughing) - Oww! Yeah, I guess I just don't get it.
(soul music) So you have to tell every human being in the world that their baby is cute whether it is true or not.
You just have to.
Keegan-Michael Key, nicest guy in the world, just outed himself as somebody who doesn't find all babies cute.
Well, I mean, what am I supposed to do? Go down the street, you know, you see a lady with her stroller.
"Oh, hi.
" And you peer in, and there's just, like, an infant body - and then Steve Buscemi's head.
- Yeah, you don't (laughter) That's rough.
You can't go, "Whoa!" - No, yeah.
- That's mean.
Yeah, you don't want to be picking up a little baby with the head of Newt Gingrich, 'cause that's just unattractive.
You don't want to see that.
I don't want to see a lady breastfeeding, you know, just right here (tongue clicks) - Danny DeVito.
- Yeah.
(shudders) There's nothing cute about a 3-foot-tall Forest Whitaker.
No, there isn't.
(laughter) No, there's not.
Talking about "Ga-ga goo-goo.
" (laughter) "Ga-ga goo-goo.
" Mrs.
Whitaker, I have been babysitting for 20 years.
I've seen it all.
The thing is, Forest is a unique child.
Everything is gonna be fine.
I want you to have a good time tonight.
You deserve it.
Okay, um - Good luck.
- Thank you.
(sighs) (eerie music) Goo-goo ga-ga.
(heavy footsteps) (recoils) Hey there, Forest.
Goo-goo ga-ga.
I want I want milk.
You want me to get you your bottle, buddy? - I want milk! - Okay.
This is a ba-ba.
I want mama's milk.
Why can't I have mama's milk? It's a simple request.
Well, yeah, well, uh, y-you can't have Mama's milk right now, buddy.
Um, how about we play? Okay.
I want I want-- I wanna play with my Legos.
Okay, yeah.
Okay, buddy, let's, uh, get your Legos then.
I wanna I wanna put the smallest Lego in my mouth.
- That's what I'm gonna do.
- No, no, no.
- You can't-- You can't do that.
- What? First you tell me I can't have Mama's milk.
Now I can't have the smallest Lego in my mouth? What a night.
This is a bad start.
Wait, but Forest, it's dangerous.
Let me get this straight.
You're in charge of me? In my house? All right, F-Forest, i-it's time for bed.
I guess then you gonna sing me a song.
What? Momma always sings me a song before I go to sleep.
Are you gonna do that for me? Okay, okay.
Yeah.
Yes, I will.
Hush, little baby don't say a word Keep-- Keep singing.
Mama's gonna buy you a mockingbird Put my name in it.
I like-- I like it personal.
Hush, baby Forest Whitaker Don't say a word Goo-goo ga-ga.
Mama's gonna buy you a mockingbird Good babysitter.
And if that mockingbird don't sing Have a good cry.
(sobbing) Mama's gonna buy you a diamond ring (cheers and applause) We have had a great show tonight.
- Yes.
- Uh So great that I wrote a song about it.
Nope.
Nope.
No, no, no, no.
Thank you Good-night, everybody! (cheers and applause) You don't want to hear it? I don't want to hear the song.
I'm gonna do my one line here Oh, yeah.