Kirstie (2013) s01e08 Episode Script

1 "Kirstie" is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
Excuse me, sweetheart.
"Sweetheart"'s my sister.
I go "Screw Yourself”.
It's a pretty name.
Is that Dutch? But just so you know, the banana cream is velvety, but "World's Best Pie"? I don't think so.
I tell you what.
Why don't you write down some suggestions to the cook.
I'd be happy to shove it up your ass.
May I borrow a pen? Frank I texted you 30 minutes ago to come and pick us up.
Oh, you know I always turn off my phone in fancy restaurants.
Well, next time, don't.
I was mobbed when I came out of the stage door.
I'm not sure two Delaware housewives with a disposable camera is a mob.
- Madison Banks? - I get that a lot.
You bitch! I get that a lot too.
You don't remember me, do you? Hey, look, you guys both have the same name - Madison.
- Gotta go.
- But I haven't finished my pie yet Go, go, go, go, go, go, go.
Season 1, Episode 8 "Maddie vs.
Maddie" Oh, come on, fess up, you knew that waitress, that tall drink of dirty water.
I told you, never met her.
Well, she sure seemed like she knew you.
I'm a celebrity.
Everybody thinks they know me.
She's probably just some fan that I stiffed for an autograph.
It's like my thing.
Jeez, Maddie, you're white as a ghost.
Something happened at the diner, and she's been acting weird ever since.
Maddie was practically attacked by a waitress also named Madison.
Oh, my God, you finally ran into her.
- I knew it had to happen sometime.
- So you did know her! All right, you got me, CSI - Miami.
I mean, maybe I did meet her once.
And maybe I did her a slight injustice.
We were both young actresses, just starting out in a land I like to call The '80s.
Oh, I'm so nervous about this audition.
I've already had two quaaludes and a wine cooler.
But they're not working.
Except for the quaaludes.
You know what always helps me? Prayer.
Yeah, I have more faith in quaaludes.
I'm Madison Banks, but you can call me Maddie.
I'm named after my beloved grammy.
I'm Brenda Kluszewski.
I was named after the first woman to get the electric chair.
It's such a great role, isn't it? Small-town girl comes to the big city and inspires the entire nation to dance away racism.
Really? I only read my part.
Oh, hey, you know what, I've got to tinkle.
Could you hold my place? - Yeah, sure, go ahead.
- Be right back.
Sorry, guys, but we're running late.
Unfortunately, Hal Kleinman only has time for one more audition.
He'd like to see Madison Banks.
Yeah, she's I'm Madison Banks.
And you can just call me Maddie.
I was named after my beloved grammy.
I mean, not so bad, right? Get over it, okay? You stole that woman's audition.
Yup, and that was the role that catapulted Maddie to fame, stardom, and riches.
And more riches.
And more stardom.
And a brief marriage to MacGyver.
Well, hey, now you know where the woman works.
Maybe there's something you can do to make it right.
"Make it right.
" Is that even a phrase? Don't bother, Arlo.
I once had to explain the concept of a hit-and-run and why society frowns on it.
Maddie, you stole that woman's name, her whole identity.
I mean, this does not sound like the woman that I've known For a few weeks.
Don't you feel at all responsible for that? No.
I mean, maybe.
I don't I don't know.
My conscience is kicking in.
Damn you, Arlo.
You're like Jiminy Cricket in husky jeans.
For your information, they're relaxed fit.
Oh, all right.
Come on, Frank.
We're gonna go back to that diner.
As God is my witness, I am gonna make that waitress regret the day I ever ruined her life.
Oh, you again.
What do you want now, a BLT, my hopes and dreams? Oh, that's right.
You already took those.
Actually, I just came to apologize to you.
What I did to you haunts me every day of my life.
Have you even thought about it once? Well, I started thinking about it, and then you mentioned a BLT.
And then, I was just thinking, does that come with fries? But look at you, you have a great life.
You have a stable job, you get a lot of exercise.
I'd kill for your forearms.
You're like Popeye.
You really think my life is better than yours? Totally.
Do you know how hard it is to be on Broadway? Do you know that I work six days a week, three hours a day? And do you have any idea how many people it takes to dress me? Well, I used to dress myself.
In my car, where I lived.
Well, hey.
Not that many people in New York even have a car.
I have a customer.
Look, you can't pin this all on me.
Come on.
It's not my fault that you didn't make it.
Didn't you have any other auditions? And what about your praying? Never prayed again after the day I met you.
Except once, but you're still alive.
I wish I could do something.
Oh, could I write you a check? You really think money is gonna solve this problem? Well, it once got me out of a prison in El Salvador.
You know what, maybe there is something you could do.
You know, I take two buses to work.
My feet are now more bunions than feet.
Why don't you see what my life is like? Why don't you take over my shift, and I'll have your fancy chauffeur give me a ride home? You know, I would so do that, except I think there's a Union rule that says Frank can't drive anybody else except me.
I don't think so.
- I think so.
- No, I don't think so.
Okay, I can do this.
I mean, I played Aldonza in Man of La Mancha.
She was a prostitute, not a waitress.
Let's not argue about which one's worse.
- Enjoy my shift.
- Enjoy your ride.
Your chariot awaits.
- And watch your step over that bum.
- Oh, no.
He's our manager.
Help yourself to a beverage.
Doesn't matter if it says scotch, water, or soda.
It's all scotch.
So Brenda just sits back here and tells you where to take her? Gosh, looks like she's got it pretty good.
Oh, yeah.
Table at Le Cirque, parties in the Hamptons, sexual escapades on that very seat where you're sitting.
Oh, don't bother, there's really no safe zone.
Oh, I'm in the walk-up at the end of the block.
Listen, would you mind escorting me to the door and then opening the door and then coming in for a drink? You had me at drink.
That's the last thing I said.
Well, in my head, you said a lot more after that.
Why am I always mending your Civil War reenactment outfit? You don't have to do too good of a job.
This weekend, I'm playing the turncoat, so I get shot by both sides.
You seem out of sorts.
Is the war getting to you? No, I just still can't believe that Maddie did that to that waitress.
Oh, don't be too hard on your mother, Arlo.
To make it in her business, sometimes you have to do things you're not too proud of.
Things that require a complete absence of a moral code The willingness to sell out your best friend and stomp on her neck if it'll get you one step closer to the top.
Anyway, that's your mama.
Greetings, one and all.
You'll be happy to know I made things right, as we like to say, with the other Madison Banks.
That's great, Maddie.
I know that wasn't easy for you.
And you know what the best part is? It hardly cost me anything.
I just took over her shift, and all she wanted was a ride home from Frank.
- Wait, you waited tables? - Wait, you found your own way home? Oh.
It's Frank, probably on his way home.
Hey.
How was psycho waitress? Speaking.
Hello, Brenda.
Madison, why are you calling me from Frank's phone? Well, you know what, Brenda? As your driver was taking me home in your car, which should have been mine, I decided maybe that's not enough.
I need more.
What are you saying, you want my firstborn? I've only owned him for several weeks.
No, you took my career, so I decided to take something you care about.
Hello? I'm all for the kinky stuff, but my hands are getting a little numb.
- Kidnapped!? - But how did she overpower Frank? I'm pretty sure Frank put the handcuffs on himself.
Why would Frank put the handcuffs on - Did she ask for a ransom? - You're not gonna believe this.
She wants to audition against me again for Jessie's Night Out in front of the original director, Hal Kleinman, to prove that she would have gotten the part instead of me.
A show about a 17-year-old who dances away racism? Are you saying that I can't play 17? When you were 17, you couldn't play 17.
This is nuts.
I'm calling the cops.
No, no, wait.
Don't do that.
I don't think she's really gonna hurt Frank.
I think she just needs closure on this.
You know, the only problem is, is there any way of knowing if Hal Kleinman is even alive? Really? That's the only problem you see with this plan? Look around this place.
Did the Grim Reaper get caught in traffic? You got to promise me I'll never end up in a place like this.
You mean there's gonna be a time when I get to get rid of you? Too soon for those kind of jokes.
Bad news.
I just talked to Hal Kleinman, who said, and I quote What does that mean? I don't know, but I don't think he's up to judging an audition.
Are you kidding me? Crazy Maddie is gonna be here any minute.
I've already rehearsed my song, and I got to get this part.
I'm gonna stop you right there.
She's crazy Maddie? Come on, guys.
This is for Frank.
We got to do something.
No one's gonna buy this.
Hal Kleinman, is that you? Is it me? Is your grandma's brisket delicious? Is rugelach worth a dime? Is kugel crunchy She gets it, Hal.
You're old and Jewish.
- Hello, Brenda.
- Hello, Madison.
I barely recognized you without pea soup in your hair.
Oh, sister, trust me, it's in there.
I'm surprised you had the guts to show up.
Because in five minutes, you're gonna find out your whole career is a mistake.
And I think you're gonna find out your career isn't.
- Well, I think you took my - Ladies, ladies, ladies.
Ladies, it doesn't really matter who gets the part.
After we do this, you're letting Frank go, right? And if you so much as touch him, I will rearrange your face.
Don't worry about Frank.
He's having the time of his life.
Okay, I've accepted the fact that I'm not gonna get laid here.
But you're not gonna kill me, are you? Because I'm only halfway through The Wire! Before you sing, let me set the scene.
New York City, summer of '68.
Mr.
Kleinman's here.
He's feeling better.
Oh, boy.
Wait, wait, wait a minute.
If that's Mr.
Kleinman, then who is that? - What are you trying to pull? - I'm not trying to pull anything.
This guy is the guy we should all be mad at.
Beat it, jerk.
Now what am I doing here? Oh, Mr.
Kleinman, you're gonna be watching auditions for Jessie's Night Out.
Didn't that close 30 years ago? They're thinking about bringing it back.
Well, I guess you can never dance out racism enough.
Well, it's a bit of a lark it's a bit of a schism it's Jessie's Night Out and I'm ending racism it's a bit of a schism a bit of a lark but it's time to dance with all the boys who are dark Thank you, Madison Banks.
Next up, Madison Banks.
You know, you don't have to go through with this if you don't want to embarrass yourself.
Get ready to bite me.
Hit it, stud.
There'll come a time, now don't forget it there'll come a time when you'll regret it someday when you get lonely your heart will break like mine and you'll want me only after you're gone after you're gone away Well, we don't have to talk about how bad that was.
Am I right, or am I right? What were the choices again? So, Mr.
Kleinman, if you saw that 30 years ago, would you cast her or me? You were both terrific.
This role is gonna make one of you a star.
I pick the winner, and my choice is Would someone turn down that angel music? What angel music? No! Look what you did.
I can't believe it.
I've waited all these years to audition for Hal Kleinman, and now I'll never know.
Oh, grow up.
You were better than me, all right? You really needed that corpse to tell you that? But you know what? If you really wanted it, you wouldn't have given up after losing one crummy audition.
Wait, did you just say I was better than you? Well, we never got to the dance part of the audition, so I can't say definitively, but you were very, very good.
- So you're admitting you stole my life.
- I stole one audition.
I made this into my life.
I mean, who's to say what would have happened if you'd gotten the part? Maybe you would have been a star, or maybe you would have gotten fired the first week.
All I know is I've worked my ass off for this.
- Hey, I would have worked my ass off too.
- Well, it doesn't look like that.
It looks like you quit the minute you didn't get your way.
Oh, you're right.
I never thought about it that way.
- I accept your apology.
- I wasn't apologizing.
You're welcome.
I think the two of you are missing the point that a man just died.
Yeah, yeah, we get it.
There are no callbacks.
Frank, I am so glad you made it out alive.
You're glad? You have any idea what it's like to be tied to a bed for 24 hours? Have we just met? So she just let you go without any problems? Eh, she may be a little nutty, but she puts out a hell of a cheese platter.
You know, I feel like this was all kind of my fault since I was the one that pushed this one to make amends with original Maddie.
Well, it's easy to beat yourself up, kid.
But in this case, you really should.
Did somebody order an omelet with a side of crazy? It's more than a side.
What are you doing here? - And how did you find out where I live? - For your information, I was invited.
I'm here to pick up my date.
- Hello, angel.
- Hi.
I'm sorry, Maddie, but I wasn't comfortable giving her my address.
Wait a minute, you're going out with the woman who held you captive? Well, kidnapping doesn't have to be a deal breaker.
It's how my grandparents met.
Oh, and, Maddie, I had such a nice time performing in front of those zombies, so I decided to stop blaming you and start my own cabaret act.
Good for you.
That shows a lot of growth.
"Bitch Stole My Part - Songs from a screwed-over actress.
" And for her finale, she strangles a dummy of you.
That was my idea.
Okay, you kids have a great time.
Uh, shouldn't we follow them? I mean, he's dating a sociopath.
So is she.