Koala Man (2023) s01e08 Episode Script

"I'll Be Home for Christmas"
playing ♪
I'll be home for Christmas ♪
You can plan on me ♪
Eh?
Selfish little prick.
Please have snow ♪
And mistletoe ♪
And presents ♪
On the tree ♪
[Daptonians cheering]
Christmas Eve ♪
Look, Darren, there it is!
Well, I'll be damned.
Hollywood Island.
That's where the stars live.
I'll be home ♪
For Christmas ♪
[coughing]
- Ho-ho-ho!
Merry Hot Christmas
from Summer Santa
[inhales sharply]
ya bastards.
only in my ♪
Dreams ♪
[fire sizzling]
My dad's dead, my mum's mourning,
and my brother's in a psychic coma
from fighting the emus.
I feel like my Christmas presents
are going to be shit.
I feel sad?
- Babe, you're going through
a traumatic period right now.
I'm here for you.
- Thanks, Rosie.
I'm so glad we became close.
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to do that.
I don't mind. I'm glad you did.
- Rosie, I thought I wanted to be you,
but I realize now I want to be with you.
- Alison, I-- I wish it were that simple.
There are things you don't understand.
I wish we could go far away
from Dapto from Australia.
- We can! Hollywood Island just arrived.
We can run away, together.
We can go to the docks right now.
- I want to. There's just something
I have to do at home first.
I'll meet you there in an hour.
Goodbye, Liam.
I'm sorry your brain exploded.
You were a mostly okay brother
some of the time.
- My attempt to impose order
on this unforgiving wilderness
has been met with mixed success.
The animals are not respecting
the loading zones
nor the pedestrian crossings.
[signs clang]
Also, I might be going mad.
But I will see Vicky and the kids again.
I will defeat the Kookaburra.
I will [groans]
Dapto
Vicky
I'm sorry.
[fire sizzling]
[Daptonians screaming]
- Fuck me dead! This is the worst
bush fire we've seen in years!
Fear not, citizens!
The mighty flap of the Kookaburra's wings
will blow out the fire,
and we can all have
a happy holiday season,
no matter what
your religious affiliations are!
DAPTONIANS: Yay!
[straining]
dramatic music playing ♪
- [screaming]
- You made it ten times worse, you idiot!
- Come back! I can fix this!
I'm a hero! Love me!
- You're fuckin' ruining Christmas,
dickhead!
You're worse than Koala Man!
Do not speak his name!
If this town won't accept my protection,
you can burn for it!
Okay, Alison. Time to leave!
[phone rings]
ROSIE: [on phone] Alison! I'm stuck!
Please, help me!
Rosie! She's in trouble.
- Alison, your friend will be fine!
We have to get Liam!
Mum, I need to find Rosie.
I ugh
love her!
Oh. Oh, okay.
Yep, lot of things happening today.
Rosie's a lovely girl.
And I know I can't stop you.
So go, be quick.
And if you get yourself killed,
you're grounded!
I love you!
mysterious music playing ♪
[echoing] Greetings, Kevin.
- Mindy! It's really you!
Am I dead?
No, Kevin, you're in the Koala Realm.
I've brought you here because
I need to show you something.
Come with me.
- Rosie, are you okay?!
- Alison, you shouldn't be here.
- What are you talking about?
You called me.
- [doors slam]
- No. We called you.
Rosie? Rosies?
- Grab her, Rosie 3!
[Rosie 3 snarls]
Let her go!
- We found the tickets
to Hollywood Island.
But we can't allow you to leave.
The Rosie triplets
need to stick together.
What the fuck is going on?
- Haven't you ever wondered
how I could be everywhere at once?
How I can give a command performance
as Cosette in Les Miz
and be the MVP of the netball final
and be at Sarah's pool party
all at the same time?
I thought you were just cool.
Such a sweet, stupid girl.
- I'm sorry, Alison.
I tried to tell you in the hospital.
- And we know what
you've been up to, Alison.
Rising the ranks.
Taking out rivals.
But we've been one step ahead all along.
We've got big plans!
Unfortunately,
Rosie 2 had to go and fall in love.
But now that you know our secret,
you'll never leave this place!
dramatic music playing ♪
[employees gasping]
- Let's get out of here!
Fuck these kids! [screaming]
- Liam! Come on, baby,
Mummy's here to keep you safe.
That's totally unnecessary, Vicky.
The Kookaburra's here to protect ya.
[gasps] What are you doing here?
- I thought you of all people
would understand,
being married to
Koala Man.
- How did you know that I--?
- I know everything about you, Vicky.
Because I've been close to you
all this time!
Principal Bazwell?!
Correct, Vicky.
I needed to be close,
so I could study you, your children,
and your wicked husband,
so I could understand my enemy's
family before I destroyed him.
What did you do to Kevin?
Ooh, you're so angry.
I gave him what he always wanted:
the chance to be a real koala.
He's permanently stuck
in a eucalyptus tree,
where he most likely
is now nothing but a rotting corpse!
- You monster!
- Ohh!
[groans] Egg!
Uggh! Ow! Vicky!
[gasps, sighs]
Not another peep
out of you, Vicky, thank you.
Liam, Daddy's here.
We're going to be a family now, dude.
- Come on, you lot!
This is our town!
Don't tuck tail and run!
Thank you, Big Greg.
Go!
If this is Big Greg's moment
to snuff it, so be it.
I'm sure there's plenty of fire in hell!
[roaring]
[sighs]
Huh?
- I hope you like your new home.
I built it just for you.
- You're insane! The bush fire will
consume this house at any moment!
- I may be a kookaburra,
but perhaps I'm really a phoenix.
And like phoenixes,
we will all be reborn in the flames!
Genius! I need to write that down.
[laughing hysterically]
- You think you've been alone
in the universe, Kevin, but you haven't.
This is the 7th dimension,
and here lives
Zoala Man.
He has just yelled at some naughty kids
for skateboarding on private property.
And this is [speaking unintelligibly]
on planet Blip,
958 trillion light-years away.
He just reprimanded his neighbor
[unintelligible] 55
for having his music
too loud after 2 a.m.
Gosh, what pedants.
- Even though we koalas are seen
as useless, we're actually guardians,
observing the world
perched from high above.
In every realm and every dimension,
there must be a Koala Man.
This is your purpose,
and your journey is not over yet.
- It seems like all I did
was cause problems.
Dapto hates me.
And I lost my family.
You can still help them.
No! Dapto!
VICKY: Let us go, Bazwell!
- Sweet, sweet Vicky
the flames will cleanse us!
- [gasps] Principal Bazwell
is the Kookaburra?
And he's got my family?
Nooooooooooo!
- You must return to your realm, Kevin.
You still have work to do.
- Mindy, I'm sorry I wasn't able
to save you from that vicious V8 car.
Release yourself from grief, Kevin.
I am at peace with the cosmic
koala spirits, as you will be.
Someday.
For now, enter my pouch and be reborn.
- Ah, it's quite sticky in here--
[screaming]
- [perky voice] Hi! I'm your new mask!
I'm nicer than the other one.
I hope you enjoy wearing me.
epic music playing ♪
Fuck yeah.
That's my swear for the year spent.
[helicopter hovering]
- Spider!
- G'day, you bloody legend.
I brought some mates you might recognize.
No man left behind!
It's so good to see you, Koala Man.
Maxwell! Louise!
I really, really, really hope
you've got a permit
for that illegal-looking aircraft!
How on Earth did you find me?!
I never gave up on you.
I sold my house and bought
this helicopter just to find you.
There's something I need to tell you.
Something I've tried to tell you
a thousand times before,
but I could never find the words.
- I lo
- There's no time for that
right now, Louise.
Spider, set a course for the dilapidated
mansion on the edge of town!
That's where he's taken my family.
Now that I think of it, I didn't see my
daughter in my koala-realm-dream-vision.
But I'm sure she's okay.
She's a very independent young woman.
- That's for thinking you could ever
be as powerful as us.
- Come on, Rosie 2.
Forget about her.
We're so close!
Let's destroy Alison
and rule Australia as Queen!
[spits]
[chuckles]
- Do you other Rosies really think Rosie 1
is going to let you rule with her?
We do everything together.
- I know your brain
inside and out, Rosies.
I've studied you for months.
Power. Popularity.
Those aren't things you share.
It's clear which one of you is in charge.
BOTH: Yeah, me.
- [scoffs] Are you serious?
I'm clearly the leader!
Without me,
nothing would ever get done!
- For someone who's apparently
the "workaholic leader,"
you sure do take a lot of days off.
- You bitch! You know I need
those self-care Sundays to de-stress!
Hey! Rosie 2,
what do you think you're doing?!
- Alison! Run!
- I won't leave you!
[Rosie groans]
- [other Rosies groan]
- Rosie!
[groans]
- Rosie 2, you hot bitch,
you've killed us
- I knew we shouldn't have
let you keep that poison blow gun! Ohh!
What happened to the other Rosies?
When one Rosie dies, we all die.
No, Rosie! You have to live! Please!
It's okay, Alison.
I was going down an evil path,
and there was no saving me,
until I met you.
[sobbing] I love you, Rosie.
- I love you too, Alison.
You did it.
[coughs]
You're the most powerful girl in Dapto.
Good on
you.
Blehhh!
Aren't I a good daddy?
[door slams]
- Nobody regurgitates
into my son's mouth
except for me!
- Kevin!
- Ahh, Koala Man.
You survived my island trap,
just as I hoped you would.
I wanted you to suffer while
I took everything from you.
Your son, your wife, I took your watch.
Now I shall end you once and for all!
- Your bird-brained scheme is over.
That was an avian-based insult,
appropriate to your theme,
if you couldn't tell.
You're finished, Bazwell.
Bazwell?! [laughing hysterically]
You think Bazwell is real?
Oh, no, he was just the disguise
under my disguise.
Are you telling me you still
don't recognize me, Kevin?
This place?
Wait a second.
I do recognize this house.
I was just a boy. It was
it was my school chum Christopher's house.
Don't you mean "Pissy Chrissy"?
Christopher? Is that you?!
- You set this all in motion,
Koala Man,
the day you wouldn't let me go
to the bathroom without a pass.
That was the day
I became Pissy Chrissy.
STUDENTS: Pissy Chrissy!
CHRISTOPHER: They called my parents
to pick me up that day, Kevin.
The last thing I remember my father
saying to me was that he was ashamed
to have a pissy boy in the family.
Perhaps if he'd been paying
less attention to humiliating me
[truck horn honks]
and more to the road
My face was mangled,
so they built me a new one.
Of course, none of my doctors
realized that, with my parents dead,
no one was there to give
my dear grandmother her medication.
After I got out of hospital,
my entire family was dead,
except my grandmother's kookaburra,
"Old Nan."
[laughing]
I hated Old Nan.
She lorded over me.
She didn't share her grubs.
Snickering bitch.
One day, I had enough.
[laughing like Kookaburra]
- Kevin, did you drive
the Kookaburra hopelessly insane?
Vicky, please!
And, Christopher, I'm sorry.
I didn't know. I thought you moved back
to New Zealand or something, honestly!
- There was one thing I liked
about Old Nan.
Did you know that birds don't pee?
Google it, Kevin.
If only I had been like a bird that day,
I never would have been Pissy Chrissy.
That's why I vowed never to pee again.
Wait, you haven't urinated in?
Thirty years! That's right!
But adhering to the toiletry habits
of a bird wasn't enough.
I had to become a bird.
At first it was just the costume
but now, I have a better solution.
The manimal ooze!
Let the final transformation begin!
[muttering]
Waaaah!
epic music playing ♪
[screaming]
[laughs like kookaburra]
[shrieks]
So be it, Kookaburra.
To the death then.
A real superhero battle!
[shrieking, grunting]
Vicky, run! Take Liam!
If I don't make it,
tell Dapto I never gave up on them.
Tell them I did my best!
- Kevin.
- Go!
Uggh! Ow!
Uch! Gross.
Kevin? Is that you, buddy?
Please help me--
No, get out of my head, Pissy Chrissy!
- Christopher, I'm going to do something
I should have done a long time ago.
This is the end of Koala Man!
[shrieks]
One bathroom pass for Christopher!
- Uch. This is just one of your tricks!
This isn't an official pass.
No, it's official.
You can go to the bathroom.
- R-really?
I'm allowed to go wee-wees?
Yep, let it rip, mate. It's time.
I don't know if I can.
It's been so long, I
- Just close your eyes and think
of the most soothing memory you have.
That's what I do to relax my urethra.
Uhh, uhh
Ohhhh, I think it's happening!
Oh, yes here it comes!
[sighing]
- Don't waste it, Christopher!
I've got an idea!
[coughing]
This is it, Damo. We're gonna die.
At least we'll go together.
I hope our souls find each other again.
They always do.
VICKY: Enough of that!
epic music playing ♪
Look, I know it seems hopeless,
but that's exactly why
we have to be courageous!
Maybe we Daptonians
aren't the most perfect bunch,
but we have to have faith in each other.
Faith that, in spite
of the disappointments in our lives,
we're all capable
of so much more than we realize.
Faith that maybe, just maybe,
there's somebody up there
watching out for us.
dramatic music playing ♪
Steady, mate, steady.
- I can't hold it much longer, Kevin!
KOALA MAN: Steady!
Now! Urinate, Christopher! Urinate!
CHRISTOPHER: Ugggggghhhh
It's Koala Man!
DARREN: Riding the Kookaburra!
MRS. BANKS: They bloody saved Dapto.
- Christmas is back on!
ALL: Yay!
And here's to Vicky!
She rallied us in our darkest moment
and made us believe in miracles.
[cheering]
peaceful music playing ♪
Think I found another burnt corpse.
[gasps]
[sighs]
- Learned to hold my breath for hours
after a bad turn on the Zambezi.
It'll take more than
a little bush fire to kill Big Greg!
- I just want you to know
that I never took that emu egg.
It's a long story but--
- It doesn't matter.
I saw what you did today.
Great job, Kevin. I mean
Koala Man.
Glad you're feeling better, mate.
I think all that urine backed up
in your body made you go a bit insane.
Toxins and whatnot.
- You know, earlier when I
was kind of acting all crazy,
you told me to think of a soothing memory
so I could piss out 30 years
of backed-up urine,
I thought about
when we were kids, Kev
when we used to dream
about being mates for life.
- It's not too late.
Dapto could use another superhero.
- Perhaps one day, Koala Man.
I still have much to atone for.
I'm going to Albion Park, where I can
dabble in being their winged defender.
- Then I'm sure we'll meet again,
old friend.
- Actually, I think Albion Park
technically starts here, so
regal music playing ♪
It's official.
With Rosie Yodels dead,
Alison is now
the most powerful girl in school.
Now, bow to Alison!
- I did it, Rosie, but it means
nothing without you.
Your evil sisters were right
about one thing:
Dapto is just the beginning.
And there are
so many more worlds to conquer.
sinister music playing ♪
KEVIN: My sweet boy.
I never gave you
the attention you deserved.
I blame myself.
For not kicking around a footy.
For not listening to your problems.
For not noticing the onset
of your destructive telepathic
and psychokinetic powers.
My one Christmas wish
is for you to come back to me.
Christmas bells jingling ♪
- Ah, alright.
I guess it's Christmas
Mom? Dad?
- Oh, my God, sweet young Liam!
- Oh, my God!
You're awake!
- The voices in my head.
They're gone.
Oh, that's great news, honey!
Yes but before I lost the Gift,
I heard the thoughts
of every creature in the world.
Sherpas on top of Mount Everest.
Tiny microbes in the crevices
of the Mariana Trench.
All places at once.
I was connected to a beautiful,
vast collective soul.
[sighs] I'm not sure I belong
in Dapto anymore.
- Don't be ridiculous,
of course you do!
Hey, I still need a sidekick.
You could be Koala Boy.
No, Koala Kid.
Bit of alliteration there makes it better.
But the point is, you're back,
and we'll be together here in Dapto.
Forever.
[sighs]
ALISON:
I think you need these more than I do.
Try not to be too cringe.
[sighs]
Goodbye, Dapto.
Kid, you're gonna love it here.
- I hope the town appreciates
what you did for them, Kevin.
- After traveling through the veil
of life and death,
I don't care about that anymore.
It's not about the approval of Dapto.
I'm Koala Man
because it's the right thing to do.
There's only one person's approval
I need: yours.
I love you, Vicky.
I love you too, Kevin.
Which is why I need to tell you something.
- Oh, no, is this the divorce chat?
Well, you can't fire me because I quit!
No! I don't want a divorce!
Something about helping everyone
during the fire made me realize
that I'm capable
of doing so much more with my life.
I want to run for town council.
Vicky, love.
I'll support anything you wanna do.
So long as you fill out
the appropriate forms
and pay the application fees.
Of course.
Oh, my God, Christmas snow!
During summer?
[gasps] How can this be?
- Actually, I think that's just the ashes
of our neighbors that burnt in the fire.
Sorry.
VICKY: Oh.
Well, it's still very pretty.
theme song playing ♪
guitar strumming ♪
- Ah, the G major chord.
You just can't beat it, can you?
[phone rings]
Hello? Koala Hotline.
- [deep, distorted voice]
Hello, Koala Man.
We've been watching you.
And you've impressed us.
Which is why we've decided
to formally invite you
to join The Uncommonwealth.
Danger is coming, and we--
- Bloody telemarketers!
On the weekend too!
Koala Man ♪
Hero for all ♪
The Daptonians ♪
fanfare playing ♪