Life with Boys (2011) s01e08 Episode Script

I don't get it.
I thought your parents were only going away for a week.
Yeah, they are.
That's why I only brought three outfits A day.
Plus matching shoes, bags and scarves.
Trust me, for Allie, that's packing light.
It's going to be tough, but I didn't want to be an imposition.
Red bags in the bathroom, blue bags in the bedroom.
My dad says that's for you.
You know, Dad, I'm her friend.
I had to say yes.
You're a parent; you could've said no.
Can I say it now? No.
Hey, Dad, can I borrow? Hey, thanks.
Welcome back to your favourite game show, "Everybody Wins but Jack.
" Oh! Come on! Wow, you're closet's bigger than I thought.
I can't believe I was able to fit all my stuff in here.
That's because all my stuff is now over here.
Yeah, you might want to hang these up someplace before they wrinkle.
Exactly how long are your parents on the cruise? I just want to go on record.
I told him this was a stupid idea, so be nice.
I have a hard time falling asleep when he's sobbing into his pillow.
What are you talking about? Tess, I was wondering if you might Oh, Allie.
Here already? I thought you were not arriving till the morrow.
No doubt this explains the extra chirpiness I heard amongst the neighbourhood birds.
Oh, come on, one shot.
At least let me say something about his hat.
No.
I need my sleep.
These are my growing years.
Allie, may I welcome you to our home with some juice of the grape? It's Welch's, 2010.
Nyah! Are you going to be like this all week? Of course not.
The Captain Skippy outfit's a 24-hour rental.
I wish you were a 24-hour rental.
Keep talking like this and when Allie and I are married with children, Auntie Tess will not be coming over for Thanksgiving dinner! Don't worry, Tess, you will always be welcome in our house.
Please tell me I did not just say that.
Oh, you said it, baby.
Yes you did.
Okay, that's it.
This nightmare has to end.
And there's only one way to do it.
I am Poseidon, God of the ocean.
Pow! You shall not pass! Laugh at this, bubble boy.
Hey! Perfect.
So back off, Sam, or we're sending it to everybody in the class.
You wouldn't dare! Try us.
It's as easy as pressing send.
Tell me you didn't.
Oopsie? Feels like I'm caught in the middle Drama comes with every new day So far to fall Walking the tightrope But I wouldn't have it any other way We're gonna put one foot in front of the other Get tripped up and step on one another We move ahead and try to keep it on track 'Cause we know we got each other's back Don't need to fight it No need to deny It's a crazy life, a random life A wonderful life I can't believe you did that.
Okay, let's just calm down.
There's a simple, easy solution for this.
You take the blame.
Me?! This was your idea.
I just didn't want him to like me, not to hate me forever.
He may grow up cute and make a lot of money one day.
Again, a girl has to have choices.
Okay, okay, I'll back off.
Just delete that picture.
The last thing I need is for the world to see me in my Saturday afternoon bath.
I mean, it would be really doing me a solid.
Sam, we're family.
You have to know I would never, ever intentionally send something like that out.
For the record, neither would I.
Intentionally.
Oh, man, thanks.
And I promise, for the next week, I What do you mean "intentionally"? Well It was her idea.
Just saying.
Oopsie? Hey, Dad, have you seen the ice cream scoo? Oh, never mind.
Oh, why is it every time one of you boys wants something, you open everything and you never close anything? Simple.
Because you do it.
Ungrateful kid.
Took you long enough.
Ungrateful kid.
That was freaky.
Dad, door! All right, here's the deal: if you guys want to see the inside of this wallet again, one of you will get the door.
All right, I'll do it.
It's open! Yes, honey, the kids are turning out great.
Hello? Hi, I'm Heather.
I just moved in a couple of houses down the street.
I'm going to be having a housewarming party next Saturday night and I just wanted to stop by and apologize in advance for any noise and for not inviting you sooner.
Hi, I'm Heather.
Jack Foster.
I've been meaning to stop by to say hello, but that would mean leaving my four kids alone in the house, and that never ends well.
Dad! Are you bleeding? No.
Then you're on your own.
And this is when I'm home.
Oh, come on, I'm only a couple of houses down.
Are you sure you can't make it? Would you leave a window open so I can still hear the screams? Absolutely.
Well, then I guess I can make it.
Dad, you're forgetting about that thing Saturday night.
What thing? He forgets.
Four kids; it'll do that to you.
So, where's your mommy? In heaven.
Oh, good.
I mean, I'm so sorry.
Wow.
You can't go.
Why not? Because she has crazy eyes.
She's a perfectly nice woman.
That's what she wants you to think.
I know girls like this.
Once they latch on, they're like a python.
They squeeze and squeeze until you pray for the sweet relief of death! Wow.
When I was in high school we just went to the bowling alley.
Sorry about that, Heather.
Of course I'll come to your party.
Do you have time for some coffee? Do you have any non-dairy creamer? I do.
Then I do, too have time for coffee.
Great.
Oh.
Stand up straight.
One day you'll grow big and strong, like your Dad.
Wow.
That's what I said! Sam, how many times do I have to apologize? It was an accident.
I don't even remember hitting "send.
" I mean, Dad took away my phone, he grounded me for two weeks.
What else do you want? La-da-dee, la-da-dah! Hey, Sam, could you do my back? Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck! I want to live in a world where that never happened.
Okay, embarrassing.
But now it's over, and you can get on with your life.
Okay, even more embarrassing.
But at least there's no rubber duckie.
It's my little brother's.
He's five.
He doesn't need it anymore.
I could not be more furious right now.
Sam, I am so sorry.
I stand corrected.
Sam, wait.
What? There's got to be something we can do.
Not unless you can make the entire school treat me like that guy.
Sam, there's got to be something we can do.
That's what I thought.
I'm out of here.
Oh, come on.
You're not being fair.
I mean, seriously, where is she supposed to find a cheerleader willing to be your girlfriend? Did I mention I quit cheerleading? Okay, so, to review: You, Allie Brooks, agree to be the girlfriend of one Samuel Foster for a period not to exceed seven days.
With two longing glances a day.
I said one longing glance and a sigh.
Fine.
Said relationship will also include four minutes of hand-holding per day.
Or until his hand sweats, whichever comes first.
And that's a deal-breaker.
Agreed.
Okay.
I'll type this up and get it to you both for signature tonight.
Start of relationship, on my mark Go! One-one thousand, two-one thousand, three-one thousand Now, just like I told you.
One Two Three! Hey, who made cookies? I did! Whoa.
Hope you like snickerdoodles.
Heather, what a surprise.
Not for all of us.
Oh, I just thought your boys could use a little cookie love.
Well, how nice and neighbourly of you.
Oh, and I reorganized your cupboards, alphabetized your spice rack and straightened up your refrigerator.
It's almost empty.
I know.
Most everything was dangerously close to expiration, Mister Man.
But not to worry, because I made a list.
You made a list? She made a list.
Of course I made a list.
I don't know how you boys have survived around here without a woman.
Uh Oh, would you look at the time? I've got to go home and feed Stanley.
Your husband? No, silly.
My cat.
I've never been lucky enough to find the right man.
Aw! Now, when the microwave dings, I want you to take out the mac and cheese, sprinkle on the bread crumbs that I left in the little baggy and put it under the broiler for seven minutes.
And I will be back in a jiff.
Miss you already.
Don't say it.
Don't need to.
Is she going to be my new mommy? I mean, I know she's as wacky as a walnut, but if her mac and cheese's half as good as these cookies, I'm willing to give it a shot.
Hey, Travis.
My man.
Just getting a drink for my girlfriend.
My main squeeze.
My raison d'etre.
That's French for "reason to live.
" Ho-ho-ho.
This isn't working.
That's because no one with half a brain would believe you're my boyfriend.
That's it.
I'm cashing in one of my longing glances.
Mean it.
Somebody call the fire department, because these two are smoking! Smoking! Oh, for Pete's sake.
Hey, Trav, mind if I sit here? Yeah, I'm saving it for Well, thanks.
See, ever since my brother and Allie became "a thing," she can't keep her hands off him.
She can't keep her hands off him.
What, did she lose a bet? No, they're a thing, an item, a couple.
Then why aren't they kissing? Are you kidding? They kiss all the time.
They kiss constantly.
They're just on a kissing break right now to rest their kissed-out lips.
But they'll be back to the kissing fools they are any minute now.
You just wait.
Yeah, right.
Okay, good news.
I can get everybody to believe you're dating in two seconds.
The bad news is, it's going to be the longest two seconds of your life.
Oh, man, that smells so good.
Hey, I happen to make a pretty decent macaroni and cheese myself.
Dad, no offense, but we call yours craparoni and cheese.
Not in front of your brother.
Please, who do you think thought of it? She's going to be back any minute.
What are you going to do? I'm going to act like an adult and tell her the truth.
I'm very flattered, but I'm not interested in a relationship.
The truth? Dad, that might work on normal women Underline "might.
" but this lady's a Whacko for Jacko? And the student becomes the master.
Hey, Captain Chuckle-Pants, go set the table.
All right, All right.
All right, because we're blood, and I don't feel safe with her having a key to our house, I'm going to give you Gabe's surefire "get out of relationship free" card.
I'm sorry, babe, I got this jealous ex-girlfriend.
Roller derby chick, lots of tattoos and major anger issues.
I just don't want you hurt.
Please just go.
Gabe, I'm not going to lie to her.
That's not how you treat a woman.
I'm back! One kitty fed, one kitty still hungry.
Roar! Look, Heather, I've got to be honest with you.
Mm-hmm? Uh I'm sorry, I have this jealous ex-girlfriend.
Roller derby type, lots of tattoos, major anger issues.
I don't want to see you hurt.
Please go.
Oh.
Well, I don't know what to say except thank you.
And, I guess, goodbye.
Wait.
It's not true.
I don't have a jealous ex-girlfriend.
It's just that, while I'm flattered, I'm just not looking for a relationship right now.
Parents.
You try and teach them.
What are you going to do? Wow.
You know, most guys would've just let me walk out that door with that lie, but not you.
You're a real classy guy.
Now I'm even more attracted to you.
Well, that's very nice of you to What? You told me the truth, which means that deep down you're as drawn to me as I'm drawn to you! But, I It's okay.
I can tell that you're not ready.
But just know that when you are, I'm only two houses down and you can ring my bell anytime.
Ding-dong.
So, to review, Allie, you will accept a kiss not to exceed a second and a half.
And in return, Sam, you will agree to reduce the aforesaid relationship from one week to two school days and one trip to the mall.
Allie's choice of shops.
Fine, but I get to break up with her.
Hey, it's my lips on the line here.
I get to break up with you.
I've got a reputation to protect.
Yeah, well, thanks to you guys, I've got no reputation.
Don't you mimic me! I'll mimic you if I want to mimic you! For not being a couple, you sure sound like one.
Okay, now let's just agree that it's a mutual breakup, and get this deal done.
Fine.
Okay.
Great.
Now pucker up.
It's showtime.
So, you don't think they're boyfriend and girlfriend, huh? Well, it's a good thing you're over 14, because this is about to get inappropriate for younger audiences.
Look.
Go.
I can't do this.
What? I just can't do this to you.
So, who saw that coming? I sure didn't.
I can't believe it.
I had my shot and I couldn't do it.
And would you please stop balling up the socks.
It stretches the elastic, and with these skinny calves they just fall right down.
Sam, I know you're upset but there's nothing wrong with you.
You couldn't kiss her because you knew she didn't want you to.
You did a good thing.
No, I did a stupid thing.
I think it was a sweet thing.
Hey, Dad, I think maybe Right, give the kids some privacy.
I'm not only a gym teacher, in case you've forgotten, but I'm also a back-up substitute guidance counsellor.
That's right.
Your Daddy's got skills.
I meant to do that.
Boy, I love him, but sometimes he's a little slow on the uptake.
Oh! Me, too.
Right.
I knew that.
After all, I am the daughter of a back-up substitute guidance counsellor.
That's right, I got my own skills.
I meant to do that.
Sam, it's not that I don't like you.
It's just that You don't like me that way.
Yes.
And I get it.
It's just, I don't like it.
Can we at least be friends? I guess I can try.
Sam.
Sorry.
I said "try.
" It's going to take some time.
Baby steps.
Thank you.
That's going to be a lot of baby steps.