Life's Too Short (2011) s01e08 Episode Script
Episode 8
1 'My name is Warwick Davis.
'I'm an actor '.
.
I'm an agent' Let me just look at the diary.
.
.
and I used to be a lying, conniving, selfish little shit.
'I was not a good person.
' Hello, Dwarves for Hire, Warwick Davis speaking.
I used to exploit my clients Just breathe normally.
Oh.
Is it drugs? No, he's allergic to the paint.
It's toxic.
It shouldn't be used on skin.
I used to steal all the best jobs for myself.
Sometimes I even stole acting work from right under their noses.
Do you remember when I came to you a few weeks ago with the information that they needed a new Doc in the production of Snow White? Vaguely.
You said, as my agent, you'll call them? And I did.
But the role was gone? The role was gone, yeah.
- Who got the part? I did.
- Search me.
I just found these in your bag.
I was petty and jealous, spending way too much time competing with my ex-wife's new boyfriend.
Can you stop letting down the tyres of Ian's car, please, Warwick? Warwick, I know it's you, so can you just come out now? Hiya.
Were you letting down Ian's tyres? They were going down, yeah.
Was that because you were letting them down? Yep.
I did those things because I wasn't happy with my life, my job, with who I was.
But I'm a changed man now because I'm happy, for the first time in my life, and that is entirely down to Amy.
We've been living together for three months now and it's great.
'Amy is an amazing woman.
' Toast would be great, thanks.
'She always says happiness is self-perpetuating, right, 'so being happy makes you want to be kinder,' and being kind makes you happy, and that makes you want to be kinder.
Amy taught me that.
I'm off now, see you later.
Bye.
I won't let them do it for that.
You've been paying that for a year, and it's low anyway.
If you think you can get a better deal somewhere else, then good luck to you.
Warwick, we need the money.
Shhh.
Don't worry.
No, it's not fair, they need double that.
What are you doing? No, it's got to be 120.
Each, yes.
Well, have a think and call me back in two minutes, because they've other offers on the table.
All right, bye.
What other offers? Well, there are no other offers, but he doesn't know that.
This is negotiating, I'm doing this for you! I really need this money.
So do I.
This will probably be the only money I earn this month.
Exactly, and that's why you should be paid properly.
Warwick! Hello, Dwarves for Hire? Yeah.
Right.
OK, bye.
120 quid each! Yes! Yes! It must be karma or something, because I've had some exciting news.
Got a call completely out of the blue yesterday from an old friend who wants to pop by and say hello.
You'll know him from Top Gun, Batman Forever.
I know him because we made a little cult movie together called Willow.
Mr Val Kilmer is stopping by.
Is all this yours? No, no.
I just rent a unit here.
I had to downsize recently, for efficiency.
Have you got a secretary? Yeah.
I've got a routine that I always do and it kills.
OK.
All right, just a sec.
Got a little surprise for you here, Cheryl.
Batman.
Yeah, but who is it? Batman.
Right, but who's behind the mask? It's not just any person.
It is a person, though, it's not the real Batman, that's a comic.
You're right.
But it's who's under the mask that's the surprise.
It's someone who played Batman in the films.
What films? The Batman films.
Have you seen those films? Yeah.
Good, right then.
So who is it? Christian Bale? No, no.
Earlier than that.
Michael Keaton? No.
Is it George Clooney? No.
I love George Clooney! No, it's not George Clooney.
I wish it was George Clooney! Well, it isn't.
Who else played Batman? Adam West? How is it fucking Adam West? He's about 85! Guess again.
I've named all the Batmans! No, you haven't.
Who else is there? Is it the cartoon version? Don't even know what that means! Batman? Oh, this is embarrassing.
Sorry about this, Val.
Oh, I've said his name! So you've got "Val.
" Who is it? Is it Michael Keaton? Forget it, take it off! It's Val Kilmer! Oh, are you an actor? You mentioned on the phone you had a proposition for me.
I'm in Los Angeles and I run into Ron Howard.
The director of Willow.
And we get to talking and he and I both agree it might be the right time to do a sequel to Willow.
OK.
Um At the risk of sounding self-centred here, is there a place in it for me? Warwick, you are Willow.
We're not going to do it without you.
And you've spoken to George Lucas? Yes.
Everyone's in place.
OK.
Wow.
Sorry, I'm speechless.
I mean, this is something I've been hoping and praying for for such a long time and it's Right.
And it couldn't happen at a better time.
I've been watching all the hit movies - Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter Fantasy films.
Fantasy films.
We started all that, didn't we? We started it all, right.
So why not get a piece of what we started? How far down the road are you with this? Well, I want to develop it as an independent picture and present it as a complete package to the studios.
So if you come on now, I can get you on as a producer.
Now, I've put in five grand already, to start with development costs and stuff.
So if you give me five grand, just to get things going while I'm here in London.
Five grand? Is that a problem for you? No.
Not a problem at all.
No, no, no.
In fact, I'm seeing my financial team today.
Right.
What do you need? I need to find £5,000.
Five grand? I just had a cheque through for you for five grand.
Did you? Yeah.
Oh no, that's a bill.
That should be in the out tray! In tray.
In tray, yeah.
Just as well you're here! I tell you what, if you were here all the time I'd make half the mistakes I make! Good.
Right, I need to raise £5,000.
OK, let's brainstorm.
Have you seen Dragons' Den? Yeah.
Go on there.
I'm not going on there.
No? No, what else? That's all I had.
OK.
Actually, you might be on to something, there.
Am I? That's a first! Yeah.
Maybe I could get money from investors, like they do on Dragons' Den.
Yeah, there we are.
Rent a hall or something, get along friends or family, local businessmen, greengrocers, whatever - then do a presentation and beg for money.
Yeah, yeah.
This could work.
Doubt it, but Have you got anyone on your books you could get along? I've got people who are looking to invest.
Great! But, as their accountant, I'd have to advise them not to invest in you.
Well, why? Because I'm your accountant! So if I'm being a good accountant, I'd have to advise them to not invest in you because of me.
But you're not a good accountant.
Yeah, all right.
Fair enough.
I'll get some people along.
I'm not one of those people who thinks the world owes me a living.
It's tough out there.
It's tough for me, tough for all my clients.
So, you know, I'm not going to sit here and wait for the phone to ring.
I'm going to create work and look for new opportunities.
Thanks for agreeing to meet me.
Before I tell you what it's all about, can I ask you a question? Les, are you involved in any particular projects at the moment? What? TV, film, book deals, live work? Yeah.
No.
Nothing? No.
Shaun? I'm not getting offered book deals, live work or TV, but I don't even feel like I'm not being offered films.
I've never been offered films.
I'm impressed Les thinks he's not being offered films.
I know producers who've told me my name was mentioned in a meeting, then I wasn't offered the film.
What films weren't you offered? Loads of films.
I wasn't offered a certain very famous Hugh Grant comedy.
Four Weddings And A Funeral? I can't say.
Jammy bastard! OK, well So, nothing for either of you, then? No.
Keith? Well, I used to get offered all the work that Les turned down.
Since he's not offered anything Neither are you? OK, yeah I get it.
I blame your representation.
Les, who's your agent? Do you know Bob Denslow? No, I don't.
What agency is he with? He isn't with an agency, he's a minicab driver.
But he keeps his eyes and ears open for me and he says there's nothing around at the moment.
Shaun, do you have representation? What do I need representation for? I never get any fucking work.
Sure.
Keith? Representation? What's representation? OK, then.
A lot of younger people watching this, or foreigners, probably won't know who these chaps are.
In fact, most people watching this probably won't know who they are, but at one time they were big names on TV.
Les Dennis was a comedian and impressionist who hosted one of our biggest game shows, Shaun was an actor in our biggest soap opera, and Keith, he mainly ran around a lot.
Individually, you're Z-list celebrities, but I think three Z-list celebrities together make up one D-list.
And I think people would pay to see a D-list.
What have you got in mind? Team you three up, put together some kind of live show to take round clubs, pubs, student unions, that sort of thing.
I could sing, I suppose.
I could do Family Fortunes.
Perfect! Keith, you could do Cheggers Plays Pop.
What's that? That was a TV show you used to do.
I don't remember.
That's when he was drinking.
Well, you once did a show I did a show? Yeah, Cheggers Plays Pop.
You know they call you Cheggers? Yeah, it's my nickname.
But my real name's Keith Chegwin.
Yeah, I know.
Do you remember the BBC once gave you your own TV show called Cheggers Plays Pop? Oh, yeah, yeah, I do remember.
Yeah, they gave me my own show, I went out for a few drinks to celebrate and didn't stop drinking for, oh, 15 years.
Well, there we go.
You could do Cheggers Plays Pop on stage.
I could see how this might work, you know? Definitely.
You three are like You're like three legs of a stool.
Separately, you're of no use, no-one wants you - but together, we've got something of worth.
United we stand, divided we fall.
Exactly.
Safety in numbers.
Yeah.
Two's company.
Three's a crowd.
No, that doesn't apply here.
I'm just saying.
I've got you a booking in a pub in three weeks, just to test the water.
You all in? Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah? Keith? What? Are you in? In what? Do you want to do the show? Are they doing it? Yes.
Yeah.
Great.
All right, guys.
I'll go in and sort everything.
You stay in the car, I don't want the fans seeing you before the show.
We can probably sneak you in the back way.
All right? Makes sense.
Yeah, so what time are we going to arrive? We're here.
Oh, excellent! We're closed.
Are you Mike? Who wants to know? I'm Warwick, I'm here with the All Star Funtime Roadshow.
Les Dennis, Keith Chegwin No, no, I cancelled that.
What do you mean you cancelled it? Yeah, we tried to sell tickets but we had to cancel it due to a complete lack of interest.
I didn't get that message.
Did you call my office? I called last week.
I spoke to some bird called Shirley or Cheryl or something.
Oh, yeah, that explains it.
So you couldn't sell any tickets? No.
How much were you charging? Well, started off at a tenner, not a sniff, you know, so we dropped it down to five quid.
Five quid? Still nothing? No.
Then we tried five quid with a free curry.
Still nothing.
How much is a curry normally? It's normally seven quid.
They're going to be devastated.
What if they played for free? Would they play for free? Yeah, I could sort something.
Would you let them play for free? Well, how long do they play for? How long do you want? As short as possible.
All right then, deal.
Yeah, go on.
You're paying for this, yeah? Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'll pay them, but, please, I don't want them to know I'm paying them.
Suit yourself.
OK.
I'll get the gear out the car then.
Knock yourself out, mate.
Right, we're all set, lads.
Wa-hey! How were the ticket sales? Yeah.
It'ssold out.
Total sell out.
Get in! Come on, let's get the gear in! Where's the venue? This is the venue.
Excellent! Come on, Cheryl.
Come and help.
That's it, you grab that.
It's the balloons.
Yeah, watch my balloons.
There you go.
Oh, look, it's a dwarf! Hello, everyone.
Welcome to the Prince of Wales, here in beautiful Catford.
You are in for a treat tonight.
Who loves Family Fortunes? Who likes EastEnders? Who remembers Keith Chegwin? Yeah.
So now, please, ladies and gentlemen, give it up for the All Star Funtime Roadshow! Here we go! Guess who just got back today? Them wild-eyed boys that had been away Haven't changed Haven't much to say But, man, I still think them cats are crazy Here's Les Dennis! .
.
They were asking if you were around How you was Where you could be found Told them you were living downtown Driving all the old men crazy Cheggers! .
.
The boys are back in town The boys are back in town Fuck me, there's three of them! .
.
The boys are back! Wa-hey! We're very excited to be here because, as they say in our profession, in the profession of showbiz, there are certain places you only ever play twice in your career.
You'll play them once on your way up, and you'll play them once on your way back down again.
So it's great to be back! Hey, Keith? What? I went on that Tesco dating website today.
And? They sent me a Bag For Life.
Hey, German shepherd craps on me lawn each morning.
Yeah, the other day he brought his dog! Another Cheggers chuckle! Wa-hey! Cheggers Plays Pop.
.
- Come on! - Cheggers Plays Pop.
.
You've got it! Cheggers Plays Pop.
.
One more! Cheggers Plays Pop.
All right, it's time for a musical guest.
Will you please welcome on stage Shaun Williamson! Tonight, Keith, I'm going to sing I Believe by Cher.
You're singing I Believe, but you're dressed like as if were in the Turn Back Time video? That's because I prefer the song I Believe, but the crowd deserve to see the arse! Oh, don't do that! As in all our questions, we've surveyed 100 people.
So we're looking for things that people shout at me in the street.
We've already got "wanker," we're looking for four others.
Er, knobhead.
You think "knobhead.
" Let's have a look.
Yes, it's answer number four! I'm your private dancer A dancer for money Do what you want me to do I'm your private dancer A dancer for money Any old music will do I'm your private dancer I'm a dancer for money I'll do what you want me to do I'm your private dancer A dancer for money And any old music will do.
Yeah! Can I just say, you've been absolutely wonderful.
I love you.
Thank you very much.
Cheers.
You really have.
You've made three old men very happy, so thank you.
I, um Um Oh! Sorry.
Thank you! We'll be back! We asked a hundred people who were back and they saidus, mate!" The boys are back! Good audience, Warwick.
Very good crowd.
And that was sold out, was it? Yeah, just a bit.
How much did we make? 400 quid.
Show me the money! Come on! Hey, we should play bigger venues.
We should playWembley.
Well, one step at a time, hey, Les? Thanks.
Do you reckon we'll get groupies? I wouldn't make it your main aim.
Oh thanks, Warwick.
Great job, mate.
Thanks for sorting this out, really.
No, no, well done.
And this is just the beginning, you know.
Onwards and upwards! Group hug! The boys are back.
Good turnout.
OK, let's do this.
Big me up, then bring me out.
Go for it.
Ladies and gentlemen, you may have seen him in Return Of The Jedi, or Leprechaun, or Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy, or Harry Potter, but tonight you will actually see his face for the very first time.
So when you do see him, don't be alarmed.
He is totally well and meant to look like this and you can swear or whatever because he's an adult.
So, please welcome to the stage, Warwick Davis.
Good afternoon.
Thank you very much, ladies and gentleman.
Thank you.
Ha-ha, look at him struggling! Cheryl, microphone! Shush! Thank you.
The year is 1988.
The film everyone's talking about - Willow.
A fantasy epic from the mind of Star Wars genius George Lucas, directed by Ron Howard.
The film was an enchanting mix of adventure, magic, romance and, yes, even a little humour.
So, who here is a fan of Willow? Who here has seen Willow? Yes! Did you like it? No? He's not a huge fan, but he has seen it.
Yes, ladies and gentleman, today I'm giving you the once in a lifetime opportunity to invest in a major motion picture.
Willow 2.
Let's take a look at the kind of return you could get on your money.
In 1988, Ron directed me in Willow.
The film made 57 million domestic.
In 1989, Ron directed Parenthood.
Cheryl, how much did that make? 126 million.
In 1995, Ron made Apollo 13.
355 million.
In 2006, Ron made The Da Vinci Code.
758 million.
So based on Ron's track record, Willow 2 will make over 1 billion! A billion dollars.
Ladies and gentlemen, I hope you brought your cheque books.
Thank you.
Oh! Oh, for fuck's sake.
What are you doing? I'm trying to invent a new shape.
You should be fundraising.
Go on, we're here to raise cash.
The thing about this project is we're sort of hitting the ground running with this.
This is an established franchise, a brand if you like.
Would you like to be in the film, because I think you would play a really good wise man and you would be a really good star.
Yeah, that does sound good.
See that group over there.
I want you to go over there and mingle with them.
Win their confidence, become one of them.
Then I'll come over and do my pitch.
You give me a hard time.
So you're a tough-nosed investor, like, like Gordon Gekko, and I'll win you round, OK? But don't make it easy for me.
All right.
Right, yeah.
I'll make sure they don't know I'm on your side, right.
Hello, all right? I'm nothing to do with Warwick, by the way.
I'm very tough but easily pleased.
So did the presentation make sense to you? It made sense in as much as you were speaking English.
So are you interested in investing? Definitely not.
Well, have you considered my proposal fully? Let's imagine this was the Dragons' Den and I walk in I'd say I'm out immediately.
You haven't let me finish my presentation.
I walk in and I'd say, "Hi, I'm Warwick Davis.
" I'd definitely say I'm out at that point.
You have to let me finish my presentation.
Let him finish his presentation.
Oh, thank you, Sue.
OK.
So I'd come in and I'd say, "Hi, I'm Warwick Davis, the accomplished actor.
What do you mean accomplished? Have you won awards? No.
Then you can't say you're an accomplished actor.
You are a hard-nosed investor, aren't you? Maybe too hard-nosed.
Let me see if I can win you around.
I doubt it.
People say I'm like Gordon the Gopher.
Gekko.
Gordon the Gekko.
Gordon Gekko.
Him.
So, you're not only investing in me, Warwick Davis, the accomplished actor Actor.
Actor.
You're investing in a dream.
The dream of a sequel to the much-loved fantasy film Willow.
Do you have any questions? Yes, when can I say I'm out? No, no.
It's not about that, Ian He's got no money at all, you know, and he's trying to rebuild his career.
He's trying to be a better person.
I really think we should help him.
Right, no, that's OK.
That's fine.
That's fine.
I'll just take it out of my own savings.
Yeah, bye.
How's it going today? So-so.
Ian and I want to put in £500.
Oh, well, thank you.
That's amazing.
You won't regret this.
Honestly.
And thank Ian as well.
I will.
Thank you.
Give us a kiss.
Thank you.
That's OK.
We've raised £4,600 today.
Thank you.
And I've managed to scrape together £400 of my own money.
So that's £5,000 for Val to get Willow 2 up and running.
Let's make movies! A movie.
Yeah.
And here's some more great news.
In Willow 1, there were loads of roles for little people.
I spoke to Val and he said the same is going to be true of Willow 2, which means I'll be able to give loads of work to my clients.
A lot of them have been struggling lately, so I can't wait to give them the good news.
Right, everyone, what is the best news that you could hear today? No, you know the good news, Cheryl, put your hand down.
Anyone but Cheryl? What's the best news you could get? They've lowered the height restrictions on rides at Alton Towers? No.
Well, have you sent our petition? I have, but that's not the news.
Anyone else? What's the best news you could get? No, you know the news, Cheryl, put your hand down.
Pete? What's the best news you could get? They've invented time travel.
What? Have they invented time travel? We could go back and see all the dinosaurs.
That would be good news, but it's not that.
I don't think you're going to get it.
Go on then, Cheryl, tell them the good news? Is it that they can clone pets now? What? Can they clone pets? So when you take your pet to the vet and they go, "Oh, it's really sick, it's dying," and you say, "Oh, I love Mr Cuddles.
That was the best pet I ever had.
"I'm never going to have a pet like him.
" And then the vet goes, "Oh, yes, you will, I've made another one.
"Look, here's an exact copy.
" No, they can't clone pets now, that's not the good news, and you knew what the good news was! The good news is we're making a sequel to Willow! You're still thinking about time travel, aren't you? Yeah, that would be amazing.
Yeah, it would be, but this is amazing too, because as one of the producers, I can make sure there are loads of roles in it for you guys! Yeah, now you're excited.
And no-one guessed it.
Even those who already knew it didn't guess it.
After an obvious shaky start with me having to pay the lads out of my own money, word is now spreading and I'm getting them gigs at rugby clubs, student unions, a few corporates.
We're actually selling tickets now.
Let me call you when I get back to the office and then we'll get something booked in.
A farmer in Norwich has grown the first ever field of dildoes.
He's been invaded by squatters.
Yes, it's the top answer! You're playing big money! Here we are.
129.
My junior executive family room.
That's comfy.
Free biscuits.
Are they free though? Because sometimes they sting you for those.
Do they? Yeah.
I'll get on to it.
Hello? These biscuits in the room, are they free? They are? Yes! Good! Yeah, my life is going pretty well at the moment.
I mean, overall, my life is shit.
It started off badly and I'm pretty sure it's going to end badly, but certainly at the moment I'm on an absolute high.
Picture this We were both butt naked Banging on the bathroom floor How could I forget that I had given her an extra key All this time she was standing there She didn't take her eyes off me To be a true player you have to learn how to play If she say a night Convince her a day Never admit to a word that she say And if she claims it's you Tell her, "Baby, no way" But she caught me on the counter It wasn't me Caught me banging on the sofa It wasn't me Even caught me in the shower It wasn't me Even had it on camera Yes! Have an air guitar, fantastic! It's the top answer! Yeah, I'm pretty exhausted at the moment.
Work is 24/7.
But I don't think you can enjoy success unless you've worked for it.
Right, you got everything you need? Yeah, yeah.
All right then, I'll see you in the morning for breakfast.
That's free too.
Night.
Good night, Warwick.
Good night.
Good night.
Not while I'm reading.
Aargh! What are you doing? Why were you sleeping in the car? It saves the boys money.
Everything we spend comes out of their income.
They get a room, you should get a room.
You're being too generous.
It's not generosity.
I'm saving them money now but if I can get them in bigger venues or back on the TV, then we start seeing the big money and that's when I get paid back.
OK, I'm sure you know what you're doing.
Adam West? No, Adam West is about 85.
I don't know.
We've had them all, haven't we? Um, we've had George Clooney.
Christian Bale.
Er, Michael Keaton.
I don't know who else was in Batman.
Take it off, Val.
It's Val Kilmer! Ohhhh! Yeah.
I got ya.
You did.
It's my er, my trick.
No-one ever gets it.
Good to see you.
So we're kind of a bit pressed for time.
What can we do for you? It's what we can do for you guys.
Val and I are putting together Willow 2 and we'd like to invite you to come on board as producers.
I've already raised £5,000.
Right.
And what do you want from us? Well, another 5,000 for development.
Right, and what would that be for? Development costs.
Yeah, no, but what, what are those costs at this stage? Writers.
Right.
I'm staying at The Dorchester.
That's going to get to be expensive.
If you eat and drink like I intend to, that's going to be 50 grand right there.
I mean, if you don't think I can drain a mini bar, have it restocked and do it all again the next night, then you're a bigger fool than I thought you were.
Oh, OK.
OK, do you mind if we have a quick word with Warwick alone? No, sure.
Take all the time you need.
Are you going to finish that tiramisu? No, take it.
Go for it.
Cool.
All right.
Waste not, want not.
Listen, I know I've pestered you guys a bit in the past but this is a real opportunity for me.
And a real investment opportunity for you guys as well.
Ron Howard and George Lucas are attached.
See that's what I don't understand, Warwick.
If those guys are on board, why are you scrabbling around trying to raise a few grand from friends and relatives or whatever? They must have that sort of money lying around in drawers.
Yeah.
I mean, have you spoken to them? Do you know if this is actually happening? Well, I Because you know, Val just seems a little bit flighty.
Think! Christian Bale.
Don't you people go to the movies? Big night for us tonight.
I managed to persuade Paul Jacobs to come down to tonight's show.
Now Paul is the commissioning editor for ITV2.
So he's got the power to say yay or nay to putting the lads back on TV, which would be massive for us.
Hi, Paul.
Hello there.
All right? Thanks for coming down.
Can I get you a drink? No, I'm all right, thanks.
Hope you enjoy the show.
Yeah, so do I.
See you afterwards then? Yeah, maybe.
Come on! I told the lads he's in.
I don't know whether that was a good idea or not, but I do need them to be on their A game.
Because, er, you know, if I'm honest, probably the last bite of the cherry for them.
And for me as well.
All right, chaps? Everything's set.
The audience is in, so I'm really nervous.
Yeah.
I feel sick.
You've nothing to worry about.
You're all professionals, aren't you? Yeah, yeah.
So just get out there and do your thing.
Yeah.
I'm good.
Show time.
Yeah.
Break a leg.
So it means, The Cheeky Boys, you have a chance to steal.
We're looking for a man you'd go gay for.
Chris? Er, Johnny Depp.
OK, Shane? Brad Pitt.
I think we've already had Brad Pitt.
Do you know the rules of the game? I like Brad Pitt.
So he's going to get shagged twice then, basically, Brad.
A dancer for money Do what you want me to do I'm your private dancer A dancer for money Any old music will do But you've got to have respect for the older generation, haven't you? Totally agree.
You know, I mean, they won the war for us.
Definitely.
Let's have a cheer for the older generation.
Hip-hip! Replacement.
OK, ladies and gentlemen, it's now that time.
We'd like to invite you to take part in the iconic game of Cheggers Plays Pop.
So would you like to welcome back to the stage the fabulous, the one and only, Mr Keith Chegwin! Cheggers Plays Cock! Come on! Cheggers Plays Cock! Cheggers Plays Cock! Cheggers Plays Cock! Sing it with me! Cheggers Plays Cock! Cheggers Plays Cock! Cock, cock! Cheggers Plays Cock! Look at that! Cheggers Plays Cock! Cock, cock! Sing it with me! On your own! Cheggers Plays Cock! You fancy me, don't you? What the fuck was that? I panicked because the TV man was in.
He was in.
I don't imagine he is now.
I'm sorry.
I can't believe you got your cock out.
It's route one.
It's so inane.
This is a classy show.
What were you thinking? It's what I do, it's what I am.
You can sing and you do impressions.
An impression.
What can I do? I'm just a loud-mouthed alcoholic Scouser with a squeaky voice and in Liverpool that's not even considered weird.
This was our last fucking chance and you blew it.
Hello? It's Paul.
You are mad! You are absolutely mad.
I just loved the cock out, mate.
I loved the cock out.
It's fucking brilliant.
It's incredible, we've got to get you on ITV2, I can see it.
Oh, talk about a Twitter trend.
Hashtag CheggersPlaysCock.
It's going to be huge.
The first time my cock's ever been huge.
That's it, that's it.
It's just more of that.
More of that stuff.
Oh, man.
I love it.
I love the show, you know.
It's naughty, it's irreverent.
I love the way you're taking the piss out of, you know, rubbish, old-fashioned singing.
These terrible, lame jokes.
It's just so ironic.
But, Keith, man, dude, it's got to be centre stage for you.
Yeah? No, the show's really the three of us.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But, Keith, Keith, when you got the cock out, just stole the show.
You know, it was the show.
I just want to see you on television.
I want to see you online.
I can see you going viral.
I've still got the penicillin from last time.
Yeah, you have, haven't you? That's not really a joke.
It's so shit, it's good.
I don't know how you do it.
He's a genius.
He is a genius.
He is, I mean shit, but it's genius in a weird way, yeah.
Fantastic.
Yeah, it's good.
Well, we'll talk, yeah? Good.
Thank you very much indeed, Paul.
Cheers.
Just as we get a chance at TV, the boys have had a little clash of egos.
There seems to be some jealousy over who's centre stage, which is why I brought in my spiritual counsellor, Bryan Medici.
I'm here to say to the lads, "Look, you've got a good thing going here, "don't ruin it because of petty squabbles.
" This is a safe environment, where we can share our gripes and grievances, clear the air and move on.
Shaun, what bothers you about Les? I hate how me and Keith have to cover up all the mirrors in every hotel room with towels because Les can't stand to see his own reflection.
And why does that bother you? Because I need a mirror.
I've got to check on me hair transplant, to make sure it hasn't died or withered or receded.
I don't want them islands, you know, because that's a dead giveaway.
It is a giveaway.
Les, what have you got to say about that? I've told them, when I leave the room, they can pull the towel back from the mirror and look at themselves then.
I don't always want to wait until you leave the room! Oi, calm down! Les, why don't you like looking at yourself? When I look at myself, I see my eyes.
And they're the eyes of a child, an innocent child, but they're trapped in this withered body that has seen so much and knows the ugly truth of the world, and I feel sad.
Les, Les, your withered little body is not something to be sad about, because there is such wisdom within.
Like Yoda? Yes, thank you, Warwick, yes.
You're like Yoda.
A wrinkled little thing, childlike but old and wise! Everybody loves Yoda! And when Yoda says, "Knowledge have I," people don't go, "Shut your stupid useless little head "or I'll kick you over, you Scouse little fucker!" They say, "Thank you, Yoda, you wise thing.
" Do you see? Yeah.
If you take one of my classes and you look at what I'm doing and you pull apart my exercises and you go, "Oh, does any of this work? "Does any of it achieve anything?" I'd say, "No.
It doesn't.
"But it does.
" Now, Les, what bothers you about Keith? When I'm with Keith and we pass an open window, I sometimes get the feeling that he might try and throw himself out and deliberately land on a mother and her child.
Thanks very much for that, Les, because I told you that in absolute confidence.
Keith, Keith, do you sometimes have thoughts like this? Yes.
But that's one of the nicer thoughts I have.
Because when I go quiet, you don't want to know what I'm thinking.
And, Keith, what bothers you about Shaun? I hate the way he tries to rule our lives.
He's like a bloody mother hen.
"Oh, Keith, Keith, you've eaten nothing but crisps all day.
" I know! "Oh, Keith, there's a piss stain on your trousers.
" I know.
Do you know what I see? I see three people that love each other very, very much.
Because if you didn't, you wouldn't care so much.
Am I right? That is true, Keith.
I mean, there's not many people like Shaun who'd be prepared to stand with a hairdryer over your crotch for half an hour before you have to go to a funeral.
Yeah, yeah.
I suppose you're right.
But why did it take half an hour? It wasn't drying.
Because I was pissing while he was drying, because he was annoying me.
Every time he thought it was dry, I topped it up a bit.
If you talk to me about science, I'll slap you.
And we're jumping! If you talk to me about atheism, agnosticism, hatred, I'll kick you in the balls and you can get straight out of my class.
I'll take your cash, but you're gone.
What do you see? I don't really know! He's back! If you come to see me, if you trust me, I will take all that bad stuff.
I'll suck it out of you, your filth, then you can look at it and you can go, "Oh, dear, I was a real nasty little shit.
" We're climbing up the tower.
And I met Bryan Medici, walking on water.
Everyone together.
Warwick, get in.
Come on, come on, Warwick.
Get in.
How do we feel, kids? Good.
Good? Excellent.
So I've been doing some digging around and I managed to get through to Ron Howard on the phone.
His assistant must've taken her eye off the ball there.
To be fair, I called from a pay-phone, so she didn't recognise my number and she picked up.
Hello? Hello, is that Ron Howard's office? Yeah, it's Warwick Davis.
Anyway, I spoke to Ron and he said he hasn't heard anything about Willow 2.
In fact, he said he wouldn't work with me or Val ever again, which makes sense because I remember him saying that after the first Willow.
Hey, Warwick! Come on in.
Thank you.
Look at this, spaghetti bolognese, but real posh now.
Do you know wine? I don't, no.
Look at this, the most expensive on the menu.
Nice! Listen, Val, we're friends, so I don't really know how to broach this but is Willow 2 happening? OK.
Let's .
.
come back to that.
What's your next question? Is Willow 2 something that might get made? Thank you.
Request from Warwick Davis re Willow 2.
Find out - is it happening? Are you actually in talks with George Lucas? Wait, who are you talking to? To you.
OK, there's a lot going on here.
I mean, there's words going into the Dictaphone, and then you're saying a lot of names.
Please, just try to focus, Willow.
One question at a time.
You told me that you'd been in talks with George Lucas.
Let's not focus on the past.
You keep doing that.
Let's, let's talk about the future.
Have you spoken to George? In the future, yes, I will.
You led me to believe that Ron Howard was attached.
Well, you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink.
You gave me the impression from what you said that George and Ron were both on board.
Was I wrong to take that impression from you? Well, in the sense that they were involved, you were, but not in the sense that I said it.
I did say that.
Absolutely true.
Well, you said it, but there's no truth to it? Should I be held accountable for every single thing I say, as if it's the truth? Because I am an actor, so most of the things I say - made up.
Clear your mind.
Close your eyes.
Look at me.
What is reality? What is fantasy? Because Willow 2 is a fantasy.
It's a, it's a fantasy film.
Is us making Willow 2 a reality? Hmm.
I shouldn't think so.
Willow original wasn't that good.
What was all that stuff about development money? What were you hoping to do? Embezzle it.
Yeah, and get away scott free, but you've scuttled that, haven't you? Can I have the £5,000 back I gave you? No, you may not, steamy.
I've spent it.
On what? Frittered it away on nonsense mostly.
I'm having a Bat Belt made.
It cost £900.
It's got all these new pockets.
It's got a pocket for the iPad, a pocket for the iPhone, I could get a pocket for you.
When you're ready, sir.
Good, thank you.
Um, oh! Is there a problem? No, I Do you know who I am? Er Val Kilmer.
Yes, sir, yeah.
See this watch? It's worth thousands of dollars, as far as you know.
What do you say we take it off my wrist and put it on your wrist, we tear up the bill? No, I can't accept your watch, sir, no.
No? No.
So you want cash? Good.
I'm just going to go out to my car and get my wallet, OK? OK.
He's not coming back.
What? He's not coming back.
Val Kilmer's done a runner and we've both fallen for it.
Well, then you're going to have to Pay the bill, yeah.
Course I am.
Didn't even eat anything.
To cut a long story short, it was a con.
So can you tell Ian I'll pay you both back as soon as I can? It wasn't Ian's money.
It was mine.
I'm even more sorry then because you've wasted your money.
There was no film to invest in.
Oh, I wasn't investing in a film, Warwick.
You know I was investing in you.
Thanks.
It's not the money I've lost.
It's not even that the film isn't happening.
It's that I feel stupid.
I just feel like a total fool.
Luckily I'm going to be busy with Keith and Les and Shaun and the gigs and the TV show and whatever.
We're off on the road again soon.
Oh, here's my chauffeur.
I wish.
Maybe one day.
You've got to stay optimistic.
All right.
Who was that? That's Jonathan Kavanagh, he's a big talent agent, he represents a lot of the big names.
Yeah, I know who he is.
We've had a couple of meetings with him and basically he's going to take us to the next level.
I don't understand.
Well, he's booked us a proper UK tour.
You know, with good venues and press, PR and everything.
How do I fit in? Well, that's what we're saying.
We can't give away two lots of 20%.
Are you firing me? No, it's not firing, is it? Because we've done this stage of it and you've been paid for everything so far.
What are you not happy about with me? No, it's nothing to do with you, Warwick.
No, it's our last bite of the cherry.
We have to do what's best for us.
We can't turn it down.
It's a huge chance.
Hang on, I got you the TV offer.
We're not going with that.
Jonathan's got us a bigger and better deal with ITV1.
You weren't even working as a team before me.
None of this existed.
I put the act together.
What did you put together? I've been doing those jokes for years.
There's not a single original idea in the whole act, mate.
But we're friends, aren't we? It's business, Warwick.
We need to get going.
I can't do it anymore.
It's knockback after knockback and it's just not worth it.
I'm going to pack it all in.
Everything? Everything.
The agency, showbiz, acting.
I've been doing it since I was a kid and it's just not making me happy.
Are you sure? Yeah.
I think I've been clinging onto fame or whatever because people have always looked at me and I thought I'd rather they look at me because they've seen me in a film, not just because I'm small.
Guys, thanks for coming down.
Um, I've got some bad news.
Willow 2 is not happening.
I know, I'm so sorry.
And on top of that, I'm giving up.
Yeah, I'm closing the agency.
I'm afraid you're on your own.
What do you mean? What are we going to do? I was never any good for you.
I used to nick all your roles, I exploited you.
We're always going to be exploited, Warwick.
We've been exploited all our lives, but if we're going to be exploited, let's at least be exploited by another dwarf.
You shouldn't let yourselves be exploited.
If you want something, take the bull by the horns and go for it.
That's what you did and now you're saying you're giving up.
You're ambitious, you're smart.
If you can't succeed, what chance have we got? What do you want me to do? I want you to carry on as we are.
You represent us, we'll struggle on blindly, never getting anywhere and die before we realise we never made it.
Who wants to struggle on blindly, never getting anywhere, and die before they realise it was all a waste of time? Well, let's struggle on blindly then.
Yes! Cheryl, go and get some champagne.
Take some money out the petty cash.
There is no petty cash.
No, right.
Well, forget that, I can't afford champagne.
Whip round! Yeah.
If what they want is blind hope, I can give them that.
If they want someone working for them who will try, but probably fail, then they've come to the right man.
No seriously.
I'm going to work hard for them, and for me.
Cheers, chaps! Are you still pissing? No.
'I'm an actor '.
.
I'm an agent' Let me just look at the diary.
.
.
and I used to be a lying, conniving, selfish little shit.
'I was not a good person.
' Hello, Dwarves for Hire, Warwick Davis speaking.
I used to exploit my clients Just breathe normally.
Oh.
Is it drugs? No, he's allergic to the paint.
It's toxic.
It shouldn't be used on skin.
I used to steal all the best jobs for myself.
Sometimes I even stole acting work from right under their noses.
Do you remember when I came to you a few weeks ago with the information that they needed a new Doc in the production of Snow White? Vaguely.
You said, as my agent, you'll call them? And I did.
But the role was gone? The role was gone, yeah.
- Who got the part? I did.
- Search me.
I just found these in your bag.
I was petty and jealous, spending way too much time competing with my ex-wife's new boyfriend.
Can you stop letting down the tyres of Ian's car, please, Warwick? Warwick, I know it's you, so can you just come out now? Hiya.
Were you letting down Ian's tyres? They were going down, yeah.
Was that because you were letting them down? Yep.
I did those things because I wasn't happy with my life, my job, with who I was.
But I'm a changed man now because I'm happy, for the first time in my life, and that is entirely down to Amy.
We've been living together for three months now and it's great.
'Amy is an amazing woman.
' Toast would be great, thanks.
'She always says happiness is self-perpetuating, right, 'so being happy makes you want to be kinder,' and being kind makes you happy, and that makes you want to be kinder.
Amy taught me that.
I'm off now, see you later.
Bye.
I won't let them do it for that.
You've been paying that for a year, and it's low anyway.
If you think you can get a better deal somewhere else, then good luck to you.
Warwick, we need the money.
Shhh.
Don't worry.
No, it's not fair, they need double that.
What are you doing? No, it's got to be 120.
Each, yes.
Well, have a think and call me back in two minutes, because they've other offers on the table.
All right, bye.
What other offers? Well, there are no other offers, but he doesn't know that.
This is negotiating, I'm doing this for you! I really need this money.
So do I.
This will probably be the only money I earn this month.
Exactly, and that's why you should be paid properly.
Warwick! Hello, Dwarves for Hire? Yeah.
Right.
OK, bye.
120 quid each! Yes! Yes! It must be karma or something, because I've had some exciting news.
Got a call completely out of the blue yesterday from an old friend who wants to pop by and say hello.
You'll know him from Top Gun, Batman Forever.
I know him because we made a little cult movie together called Willow.
Mr Val Kilmer is stopping by.
Is all this yours? No, no.
I just rent a unit here.
I had to downsize recently, for efficiency.
Have you got a secretary? Yeah.
I've got a routine that I always do and it kills.
OK.
All right, just a sec.
Got a little surprise for you here, Cheryl.
Batman.
Yeah, but who is it? Batman.
Right, but who's behind the mask? It's not just any person.
It is a person, though, it's not the real Batman, that's a comic.
You're right.
But it's who's under the mask that's the surprise.
It's someone who played Batman in the films.
What films? The Batman films.
Have you seen those films? Yeah.
Good, right then.
So who is it? Christian Bale? No, no.
Earlier than that.
Michael Keaton? No.
Is it George Clooney? No.
I love George Clooney! No, it's not George Clooney.
I wish it was George Clooney! Well, it isn't.
Who else played Batman? Adam West? How is it fucking Adam West? He's about 85! Guess again.
I've named all the Batmans! No, you haven't.
Who else is there? Is it the cartoon version? Don't even know what that means! Batman? Oh, this is embarrassing.
Sorry about this, Val.
Oh, I've said his name! So you've got "Val.
" Who is it? Is it Michael Keaton? Forget it, take it off! It's Val Kilmer! Oh, are you an actor? You mentioned on the phone you had a proposition for me.
I'm in Los Angeles and I run into Ron Howard.
The director of Willow.
And we get to talking and he and I both agree it might be the right time to do a sequel to Willow.
OK.
Um At the risk of sounding self-centred here, is there a place in it for me? Warwick, you are Willow.
We're not going to do it without you.
And you've spoken to George Lucas? Yes.
Everyone's in place.
OK.
Wow.
Sorry, I'm speechless.
I mean, this is something I've been hoping and praying for for such a long time and it's Right.
And it couldn't happen at a better time.
I've been watching all the hit movies - Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter Fantasy films.
Fantasy films.
We started all that, didn't we? We started it all, right.
So why not get a piece of what we started? How far down the road are you with this? Well, I want to develop it as an independent picture and present it as a complete package to the studios.
So if you come on now, I can get you on as a producer.
Now, I've put in five grand already, to start with development costs and stuff.
So if you give me five grand, just to get things going while I'm here in London.
Five grand? Is that a problem for you? No.
Not a problem at all.
No, no, no.
In fact, I'm seeing my financial team today.
Right.
What do you need? I need to find £5,000.
Five grand? I just had a cheque through for you for five grand.
Did you? Yeah.
Oh no, that's a bill.
That should be in the out tray! In tray.
In tray, yeah.
Just as well you're here! I tell you what, if you were here all the time I'd make half the mistakes I make! Good.
Right, I need to raise £5,000.
OK, let's brainstorm.
Have you seen Dragons' Den? Yeah.
Go on there.
I'm not going on there.
No? No, what else? That's all I had.
OK.
Actually, you might be on to something, there.
Am I? That's a first! Yeah.
Maybe I could get money from investors, like they do on Dragons' Den.
Yeah, there we are.
Rent a hall or something, get along friends or family, local businessmen, greengrocers, whatever - then do a presentation and beg for money.
Yeah, yeah.
This could work.
Doubt it, but Have you got anyone on your books you could get along? I've got people who are looking to invest.
Great! But, as their accountant, I'd have to advise them not to invest in you.
Well, why? Because I'm your accountant! So if I'm being a good accountant, I'd have to advise them to not invest in you because of me.
But you're not a good accountant.
Yeah, all right.
Fair enough.
I'll get some people along.
I'm not one of those people who thinks the world owes me a living.
It's tough out there.
It's tough for me, tough for all my clients.
So, you know, I'm not going to sit here and wait for the phone to ring.
I'm going to create work and look for new opportunities.
Thanks for agreeing to meet me.
Before I tell you what it's all about, can I ask you a question? Les, are you involved in any particular projects at the moment? What? TV, film, book deals, live work? Yeah.
No.
Nothing? No.
Shaun? I'm not getting offered book deals, live work or TV, but I don't even feel like I'm not being offered films.
I've never been offered films.
I'm impressed Les thinks he's not being offered films.
I know producers who've told me my name was mentioned in a meeting, then I wasn't offered the film.
What films weren't you offered? Loads of films.
I wasn't offered a certain very famous Hugh Grant comedy.
Four Weddings And A Funeral? I can't say.
Jammy bastard! OK, well So, nothing for either of you, then? No.
Keith? Well, I used to get offered all the work that Les turned down.
Since he's not offered anything Neither are you? OK, yeah I get it.
I blame your representation.
Les, who's your agent? Do you know Bob Denslow? No, I don't.
What agency is he with? He isn't with an agency, he's a minicab driver.
But he keeps his eyes and ears open for me and he says there's nothing around at the moment.
Shaun, do you have representation? What do I need representation for? I never get any fucking work.
Sure.
Keith? Representation? What's representation? OK, then.
A lot of younger people watching this, or foreigners, probably won't know who these chaps are.
In fact, most people watching this probably won't know who they are, but at one time they were big names on TV.
Les Dennis was a comedian and impressionist who hosted one of our biggest game shows, Shaun was an actor in our biggest soap opera, and Keith, he mainly ran around a lot.
Individually, you're Z-list celebrities, but I think three Z-list celebrities together make up one D-list.
And I think people would pay to see a D-list.
What have you got in mind? Team you three up, put together some kind of live show to take round clubs, pubs, student unions, that sort of thing.
I could sing, I suppose.
I could do Family Fortunes.
Perfect! Keith, you could do Cheggers Plays Pop.
What's that? That was a TV show you used to do.
I don't remember.
That's when he was drinking.
Well, you once did a show I did a show? Yeah, Cheggers Plays Pop.
You know they call you Cheggers? Yeah, it's my nickname.
But my real name's Keith Chegwin.
Yeah, I know.
Do you remember the BBC once gave you your own TV show called Cheggers Plays Pop? Oh, yeah, yeah, I do remember.
Yeah, they gave me my own show, I went out for a few drinks to celebrate and didn't stop drinking for, oh, 15 years.
Well, there we go.
You could do Cheggers Plays Pop on stage.
I could see how this might work, you know? Definitely.
You three are like You're like three legs of a stool.
Separately, you're of no use, no-one wants you - but together, we've got something of worth.
United we stand, divided we fall.
Exactly.
Safety in numbers.
Yeah.
Two's company.
Three's a crowd.
No, that doesn't apply here.
I'm just saying.
I've got you a booking in a pub in three weeks, just to test the water.
You all in? Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah? Keith? What? Are you in? In what? Do you want to do the show? Are they doing it? Yes.
Yeah.
Great.
All right, guys.
I'll go in and sort everything.
You stay in the car, I don't want the fans seeing you before the show.
We can probably sneak you in the back way.
All right? Makes sense.
Yeah, so what time are we going to arrive? We're here.
Oh, excellent! We're closed.
Are you Mike? Who wants to know? I'm Warwick, I'm here with the All Star Funtime Roadshow.
Les Dennis, Keith Chegwin No, no, I cancelled that.
What do you mean you cancelled it? Yeah, we tried to sell tickets but we had to cancel it due to a complete lack of interest.
I didn't get that message.
Did you call my office? I called last week.
I spoke to some bird called Shirley or Cheryl or something.
Oh, yeah, that explains it.
So you couldn't sell any tickets? No.
How much were you charging? Well, started off at a tenner, not a sniff, you know, so we dropped it down to five quid.
Five quid? Still nothing? No.
Then we tried five quid with a free curry.
Still nothing.
How much is a curry normally? It's normally seven quid.
They're going to be devastated.
What if they played for free? Would they play for free? Yeah, I could sort something.
Would you let them play for free? Well, how long do they play for? How long do you want? As short as possible.
All right then, deal.
Yeah, go on.
You're paying for this, yeah? Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'll pay them, but, please, I don't want them to know I'm paying them.
Suit yourself.
OK.
I'll get the gear out the car then.
Knock yourself out, mate.
Right, we're all set, lads.
Wa-hey! How were the ticket sales? Yeah.
It'ssold out.
Total sell out.
Get in! Come on, let's get the gear in! Where's the venue? This is the venue.
Excellent! Come on, Cheryl.
Come and help.
That's it, you grab that.
It's the balloons.
Yeah, watch my balloons.
There you go.
Oh, look, it's a dwarf! Hello, everyone.
Welcome to the Prince of Wales, here in beautiful Catford.
You are in for a treat tonight.
Who loves Family Fortunes? Who likes EastEnders? Who remembers Keith Chegwin? Yeah.
So now, please, ladies and gentlemen, give it up for the All Star Funtime Roadshow! Here we go! Guess who just got back today? Them wild-eyed boys that had been away Haven't changed Haven't much to say But, man, I still think them cats are crazy Here's Les Dennis! .
.
They were asking if you were around How you was Where you could be found Told them you were living downtown Driving all the old men crazy Cheggers! .
.
The boys are back in town The boys are back in town Fuck me, there's three of them! .
.
The boys are back! Wa-hey! We're very excited to be here because, as they say in our profession, in the profession of showbiz, there are certain places you only ever play twice in your career.
You'll play them once on your way up, and you'll play them once on your way back down again.
So it's great to be back! Hey, Keith? What? I went on that Tesco dating website today.
And? They sent me a Bag For Life.
Hey, German shepherd craps on me lawn each morning.
Yeah, the other day he brought his dog! Another Cheggers chuckle! Wa-hey! Cheggers Plays Pop.
.
- Come on! - Cheggers Plays Pop.
.
You've got it! Cheggers Plays Pop.
.
One more! Cheggers Plays Pop.
All right, it's time for a musical guest.
Will you please welcome on stage Shaun Williamson! Tonight, Keith, I'm going to sing I Believe by Cher.
You're singing I Believe, but you're dressed like as if were in the Turn Back Time video? That's because I prefer the song I Believe, but the crowd deserve to see the arse! Oh, don't do that! As in all our questions, we've surveyed 100 people.
So we're looking for things that people shout at me in the street.
We've already got "wanker," we're looking for four others.
Er, knobhead.
You think "knobhead.
" Let's have a look.
Yes, it's answer number four! I'm your private dancer A dancer for money Do what you want me to do I'm your private dancer A dancer for money Any old music will do I'm your private dancer I'm a dancer for money I'll do what you want me to do I'm your private dancer A dancer for money And any old music will do.
Yeah! Can I just say, you've been absolutely wonderful.
I love you.
Thank you very much.
Cheers.
You really have.
You've made three old men very happy, so thank you.
I, um Um Oh! Sorry.
Thank you! We'll be back! We asked a hundred people who were back and they saidus, mate!" The boys are back! Good audience, Warwick.
Very good crowd.
And that was sold out, was it? Yeah, just a bit.
How much did we make? 400 quid.
Show me the money! Come on! Hey, we should play bigger venues.
We should playWembley.
Well, one step at a time, hey, Les? Thanks.
Do you reckon we'll get groupies? I wouldn't make it your main aim.
Oh thanks, Warwick.
Great job, mate.
Thanks for sorting this out, really.
No, no, well done.
And this is just the beginning, you know.
Onwards and upwards! Group hug! The boys are back.
Good turnout.
OK, let's do this.
Big me up, then bring me out.
Go for it.
Ladies and gentlemen, you may have seen him in Return Of The Jedi, or Leprechaun, or Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy, or Harry Potter, but tonight you will actually see his face for the very first time.
So when you do see him, don't be alarmed.
He is totally well and meant to look like this and you can swear or whatever because he's an adult.
So, please welcome to the stage, Warwick Davis.
Good afternoon.
Thank you very much, ladies and gentleman.
Thank you.
Ha-ha, look at him struggling! Cheryl, microphone! Shush! Thank you.
The year is 1988.
The film everyone's talking about - Willow.
A fantasy epic from the mind of Star Wars genius George Lucas, directed by Ron Howard.
The film was an enchanting mix of adventure, magic, romance and, yes, even a little humour.
So, who here is a fan of Willow? Who here has seen Willow? Yes! Did you like it? No? He's not a huge fan, but he has seen it.
Yes, ladies and gentleman, today I'm giving you the once in a lifetime opportunity to invest in a major motion picture.
Willow 2.
Let's take a look at the kind of return you could get on your money.
In 1988, Ron directed me in Willow.
The film made 57 million domestic.
In 1989, Ron directed Parenthood.
Cheryl, how much did that make? 126 million.
In 1995, Ron made Apollo 13.
355 million.
In 2006, Ron made The Da Vinci Code.
758 million.
So based on Ron's track record, Willow 2 will make over 1 billion! A billion dollars.
Ladies and gentlemen, I hope you brought your cheque books.
Thank you.
Oh! Oh, for fuck's sake.
What are you doing? I'm trying to invent a new shape.
You should be fundraising.
Go on, we're here to raise cash.
The thing about this project is we're sort of hitting the ground running with this.
This is an established franchise, a brand if you like.
Would you like to be in the film, because I think you would play a really good wise man and you would be a really good star.
Yeah, that does sound good.
See that group over there.
I want you to go over there and mingle with them.
Win their confidence, become one of them.
Then I'll come over and do my pitch.
You give me a hard time.
So you're a tough-nosed investor, like, like Gordon Gekko, and I'll win you round, OK? But don't make it easy for me.
All right.
Right, yeah.
I'll make sure they don't know I'm on your side, right.
Hello, all right? I'm nothing to do with Warwick, by the way.
I'm very tough but easily pleased.
So did the presentation make sense to you? It made sense in as much as you were speaking English.
So are you interested in investing? Definitely not.
Well, have you considered my proposal fully? Let's imagine this was the Dragons' Den and I walk in I'd say I'm out immediately.
You haven't let me finish my presentation.
I walk in and I'd say, "Hi, I'm Warwick Davis.
" I'd definitely say I'm out at that point.
You have to let me finish my presentation.
Let him finish his presentation.
Oh, thank you, Sue.
OK.
So I'd come in and I'd say, "Hi, I'm Warwick Davis, the accomplished actor.
What do you mean accomplished? Have you won awards? No.
Then you can't say you're an accomplished actor.
You are a hard-nosed investor, aren't you? Maybe too hard-nosed.
Let me see if I can win you around.
I doubt it.
People say I'm like Gordon the Gopher.
Gekko.
Gordon the Gekko.
Gordon Gekko.
Him.
So, you're not only investing in me, Warwick Davis, the accomplished actor Actor.
Actor.
You're investing in a dream.
The dream of a sequel to the much-loved fantasy film Willow.
Do you have any questions? Yes, when can I say I'm out? No, no.
It's not about that, Ian He's got no money at all, you know, and he's trying to rebuild his career.
He's trying to be a better person.
I really think we should help him.
Right, no, that's OK.
That's fine.
That's fine.
I'll just take it out of my own savings.
Yeah, bye.
How's it going today? So-so.
Ian and I want to put in £500.
Oh, well, thank you.
That's amazing.
You won't regret this.
Honestly.
And thank Ian as well.
I will.
Thank you.
Give us a kiss.
Thank you.
That's OK.
We've raised £4,600 today.
Thank you.
And I've managed to scrape together £400 of my own money.
So that's £5,000 for Val to get Willow 2 up and running.
Let's make movies! A movie.
Yeah.
And here's some more great news.
In Willow 1, there were loads of roles for little people.
I spoke to Val and he said the same is going to be true of Willow 2, which means I'll be able to give loads of work to my clients.
A lot of them have been struggling lately, so I can't wait to give them the good news.
Right, everyone, what is the best news that you could hear today? No, you know the good news, Cheryl, put your hand down.
Anyone but Cheryl? What's the best news you could get? They've lowered the height restrictions on rides at Alton Towers? No.
Well, have you sent our petition? I have, but that's not the news.
Anyone else? What's the best news you could get? No, you know the news, Cheryl, put your hand down.
Pete? What's the best news you could get? They've invented time travel.
What? Have they invented time travel? We could go back and see all the dinosaurs.
That would be good news, but it's not that.
I don't think you're going to get it.
Go on then, Cheryl, tell them the good news? Is it that they can clone pets now? What? Can they clone pets? So when you take your pet to the vet and they go, "Oh, it's really sick, it's dying," and you say, "Oh, I love Mr Cuddles.
That was the best pet I ever had.
"I'm never going to have a pet like him.
" And then the vet goes, "Oh, yes, you will, I've made another one.
"Look, here's an exact copy.
" No, they can't clone pets now, that's not the good news, and you knew what the good news was! The good news is we're making a sequel to Willow! You're still thinking about time travel, aren't you? Yeah, that would be amazing.
Yeah, it would be, but this is amazing too, because as one of the producers, I can make sure there are loads of roles in it for you guys! Yeah, now you're excited.
And no-one guessed it.
Even those who already knew it didn't guess it.
After an obvious shaky start with me having to pay the lads out of my own money, word is now spreading and I'm getting them gigs at rugby clubs, student unions, a few corporates.
We're actually selling tickets now.
Let me call you when I get back to the office and then we'll get something booked in.
A farmer in Norwich has grown the first ever field of dildoes.
He's been invaded by squatters.
Yes, it's the top answer! You're playing big money! Here we are.
129.
My junior executive family room.
That's comfy.
Free biscuits.
Are they free though? Because sometimes they sting you for those.
Do they? Yeah.
I'll get on to it.
Hello? These biscuits in the room, are they free? They are? Yes! Good! Yeah, my life is going pretty well at the moment.
I mean, overall, my life is shit.
It started off badly and I'm pretty sure it's going to end badly, but certainly at the moment I'm on an absolute high.
Picture this We were both butt naked Banging on the bathroom floor How could I forget that I had given her an extra key All this time she was standing there She didn't take her eyes off me To be a true player you have to learn how to play If she say a night Convince her a day Never admit to a word that she say And if she claims it's you Tell her, "Baby, no way" But she caught me on the counter It wasn't me Caught me banging on the sofa It wasn't me Even caught me in the shower It wasn't me Even had it on camera Yes! Have an air guitar, fantastic! It's the top answer! Yeah, I'm pretty exhausted at the moment.
Work is 24/7.
But I don't think you can enjoy success unless you've worked for it.
Right, you got everything you need? Yeah, yeah.
All right then, I'll see you in the morning for breakfast.
That's free too.
Night.
Good night, Warwick.
Good night.
Good night.
Not while I'm reading.
Aargh! What are you doing? Why were you sleeping in the car? It saves the boys money.
Everything we spend comes out of their income.
They get a room, you should get a room.
You're being too generous.
It's not generosity.
I'm saving them money now but if I can get them in bigger venues or back on the TV, then we start seeing the big money and that's when I get paid back.
OK, I'm sure you know what you're doing.
Adam West? No, Adam West is about 85.
I don't know.
We've had them all, haven't we? Um, we've had George Clooney.
Christian Bale.
Er, Michael Keaton.
I don't know who else was in Batman.
Take it off, Val.
It's Val Kilmer! Ohhhh! Yeah.
I got ya.
You did.
It's my er, my trick.
No-one ever gets it.
Good to see you.
So we're kind of a bit pressed for time.
What can we do for you? It's what we can do for you guys.
Val and I are putting together Willow 2 and we'd like to invite you to come on board as producers.
I've already raised £5,000.
Right.
And what do you want from us? Well, another 5,000 for development.
Right, and what would that be for? Development costs.
Yeah, no, but what, what are those costs at this stage? Writers.
Right.
I'm staying at The Dorchester.
That's going to get to be expensive.
If you eat and drink like I intend to, that's going to be 50 grand right there.
I mean, if you don't think I can drain a mini bar, have it restocked and do it all again the next night, then you're a bigger fool than I thought you were.
Oh, OK.
OK, do you mind if we have a quick word with Warwick alone? No, sure.
Take all the time you need.
Are you going to finish that tiramisu? No, take it.
Go for it.
Cool.
All right.
Waste not, want not.
Listen, I know I've pestered you guys a bit in the past but this is a real opportunity for me.
And a real investment opportunity for you guys as well.
Ron Howard and George Lucas are attached.
See that's what I don't understand, Warwick.
If those guys are on board, why are you scrabbling around trying to raise a few grand from friends and relatives or whatever? They must have that sort of money lying around in drawers.
Yeah.
I mean, have you spoken to them? Do you know if this is actually happening? Well, I Because you know, Val just seems a little bit flighty.
Think! Christian Bale.
Don't you people go to the movies? Big night for us tonight.
I managed to persuade Paul Jacobs to come down to tonight's show.
Now Paul is the commissioning editor for ITV2.
So he's got the power to say yay or nay to putting the lads back on TV, which would be massive for us.
Hi, Paul.
Hello there.
All right? Thanks for coming down.
Can I get you a drink? No, I'm all right, thanks.
Hope you enjoy the show.
Yeah, so do I.
See you afterwards then? Yeah, maybe.
Come on! I told the lads he's in.
I don't know whether that was a good idea or not, but I do need them to be on their A game.
Because, er, you know, if I'm honest, probably the last bite of the cherry for them.
And for me as well.
All right, chaps? Everything's set.
The audience is in, so I'm really nervous.
Yeah.
I feel sick.
You've nothing to worry about.
You're all professionals, aren't you? Yeah, yeah.
So just get out there and do your thing.
Yeah.
I'm good.
Show time.
Yeah.
Break a leg.
So it means, The Cheeky Boys, you have a chance to steal.
We're looking for a man you'd go gay for.
Chris? Er, Johnny Depp.
OK, Shane? Brad Pitt.
I think we've already had Brad Pitt.
Do you know the rules of the game? I like Brad Pitt.
So he's going to get shagged twice then, basically, Brad.
A dancer for money Do what you want me to do I'm your private dancer A dancer for money Any old music will do But you've got to have respect for the older generation, haven't you? Totally agree.
You know, I mean, they won the war for us.
Definitely.
Let's have a cheer for the older generation.
Hip-hip! Replacement.
OK, ladies and gentlemen, it's now that time.
We'd like to invite you to take part in the iconic game of Cheggers Plays Pop.
So would you like to welcome back to the stage the fabulous, the one and only, Mr Keith Chegwin! Cheggers Plays Cock! Come on! Cheggers Plays Cock! Cheggers Plays Cock! Cheggers Plays Cock! Sing it with me! Cheggers Plays Cock! Cheggers Plays Cock! Cock, cock! Cheggers Plays Cock! Look at that! Cheggers Plays Cock! Cock, cock! Sing it with me! On your own! Cheggers Plays Cock! You fancy me, don't you? What the fuck was that? I panicked because the TV man was in.
He was in.
I don't imagine he is now.
I'm sorry.
I can't believe you got your cock out.
It's route one.
It's so inane.
This is a classy show.
What were you thinking? It's what I do, it's what I am.
You can sing and you do impressions.
An impression.
What can I do? I'm just a loud-mouthed alcoholic Scouser with a squeaky voice and in Liverpool that's not even considered weird.
This was our last fucking chance and you blew it.
Hello? It's Paul.
You are mad! You are absolutely mad.
I just loved the cock out, mate.
I loved the cock out.
It's fucking brilliant.
It's incredible, we've got to get you on ITV2, I can see it.
Oh, talk about a Twitter trend.
Hashtag CheggersPlaysCock.
It's going to be huge.
The first time my cock's ever been huge.
That's it, that's it.
It's just more of that.
More of that stuff.
Oh, man.
I love it.
I love the show, you know.
It's naughty, it's irreverent.
I love the way you're taking the piss out of, you know, rubbish, old-fashioned singing.
These terrible, lame jokes.
It's just so ironic.
But, Keith, man, dude, it's got to be centre stage for you.
Yeah? No, the show's really the three of us.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But, Keith, Keith, when you got the cock out, just stole the show.
You know, it was the show.
I just want to see you on television.
I want to see you online.
I can see you going viral.
I've still got the penicillin from last time.
Yeah, you have, haven't you? That's not really a joke.
It's so shit, it's good.
I don't know how you do it.
He's a genius.
He is a genius.
He is, I mean shit, but it's genius in a weird way, yeah.
Fantastic.
Yeah, it's good.
Well, we'll talk, yeah? Good.
Thank you very much indeed, Paul.
Cheers.
Just as we get a chance at TV, the boys have had a little clash of egos.
There seems to be some jealousy over who's centre stage, which is why I brought in my spiritual counsellor, Bryan Medici.
I'm here to say to the lads, "Look, you've got a good thing going here, "don't ruin it because of petty squabbles.
" This is a safe environment, where we can share our gripes and grievances, clear the air and move on.
Shaun, what bothers you about Les? I hate how me and Keith have to cover up all the mirrors in every hotel room with towels because Les can't stand to see his own reflection.
And why does that bother you? Because I need a mirror.
I've got to check on me hair transplant, to make sure it hasn't died or withered or receded.
I don't want them islands, you know, because that's a dead giveaway.
It is a giveaway.
Les, what have you got to say about that? I've told them, when I leave the room, they can pull the towel back from the mirror and look at themselves then.
I don't always want to wait until you leave the room! Oi, calm down! Les, why don't you like looking at yourself? When I look at myself, I see my eyes.
And they're the eyes of a child, an innocent child, but they're trapped in this withered body that has seen so much and knows the ugly truth of the world, and I feel sad.
Les, Les, your withered little body is not something to be sad about, because there is such wisdom within.
Like Yoda? Yes, thank you, Warwick, yes.
You're like Yoda.
A wrinkled little thing, childlike but old and wise! Everybody loves Yoda! And when Yoda says, "Knowledge have I," people don't go, "Shut your stupid useless little head "or I'll kick you over, you Scouse little fucker!" They say, "Thank you, Yoda, you wise thing.
" Do you see? Yeah.
If you take one of my classes and you look at what I'm doing and you pull apart my exercises and you go, "Oh, does any of this work? "Does any of it achieve anything?" I'd say, "No.
It doesn't.
"But it does.
" Now, Les, what bothers you about Keith? When I'm with Keith and we pass an open window, I sometimes get the feeling that he might try and throw himself out and deliberately land on a mother and her child.
Thanks very much for that, Les, because I told you that in absolute confidence.
Keith, Keith, do you sometimes have thoughts like this? Yes.
But that's one of the nicer thoughts I have.
Because when I go quiet, you don't want to know what I'm thinking.
And, Keith, what bothers you about Shaun? I hate the way he tries to rule our lives.
He's like a bloody mother hen.
"Oh, Keith, Keith, you've eaten nothing but crisps all day.
" I know! "Oh, Keith, there's a piss stain on your trousers.
" I know.
Do you know what I see? I see three people that love each other very, very much.
Because if you didn't, you wouldn't care so much.
Am I right? That is true, Keith.
I mean, there's not many people like Shaun who'd be prepared to stand with a hairdryer over your crotch for half an hour before you have to go to a funeral.
Yeah, yeah.
I suppose you're right.
But why did it take half an hour? It wasn't drying.
Because I was pissing while he was drying, because he was annoying me.
Every time he thought it was dry, I topped it up a bit.
If you talk to me about science, I'll slap you.
And we're jumping! If you talk to me about atheism, agnosticism, hatred, I'll kick you in the balls and you can get straight out of my class.
I'll take your cash, but you're gone.
What do you see? I don't really know! He's back! If you come to see me, if you trust me, I will take all that bad stuff.
I'll suck it out of you, your filth, then you can look at it and you can go, "Oh, dear, I was a real nasty little shit.
" We're climbing up the tower.
And I met Bryan Medici, walking on water.
Everyone together.
Warwick, get in.
Come on, come on, Warwick.
Get in.
How do we feel, kids? Good.
Good? Excellent.
So I've been doing some digging around and I managed to get through to Ron Howard on the phone.
His assistant must've taken her eye off the ball there.
To be fair, I called from a pay-phone, so she didn't recognise my number and she picked up.
Hello? Hello, is that Ron Howard's office? Yeah, it's Warwick Davis.
Anyway, I spoke to Ron and he said he hasn't heard anything about Willow 2.
In fact, he said he wouldn't work with me or Val ever again, which makes sense because I remember him saying that after the first Willow.
Hey, Warwick! Come on in.
Thank you.
Look at this, spaghetti bolognese, but real posh now.
Do you know wine? I don't, no.
Look at this, the most expensive on the menu.
Nice! Listen, Val, we're friends, so I don't really know how to broach this but is Willow 2 happening? OK.
Let's .
.
come back to that.
What's your next question? Is Willow 2 something that might get made? Thank you.
Request from Warwick Davis re Willow 2.
Find out - is it happening? Are you actually in talks with George Lucas? Wait, who are you talking to? To you.
OK, there's a lot going on here.
I mean, there's words going into the Dictaphone, and then you're saying a lot of names.
Please, just try to focus, Willow.
One question at a time.
You told me that you'd been in talks with George Lucas.
Let's not focus on the past.
You keep doing that.
Let's, let's talk about the future.
Have you spoken to George? In the future, yes, I will.
You led me to believe that Ron Howard was attached.
Well, you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink.
You gave me the impression from what you said that George and Ron were both on board.
Was I wrong to take that impression from you? Well, in the sense that they were involved, you were, but not in the sense that I said it.
I did say that.
Absolutely true.
Well, you said it, but there's no truth to it? Should I be held accountable for every single thing I say, as if it's the truth? Because I am an actor, so most of the things I say - made up.
Clear your mind.
Close your eyes.
Look at me.
What is reality? What is fantasy? Because Willow 2 is a fantasy.
It's a, it's a fantasy film.
Is us making Willow 2 a reality? Hmm.
I shouldn't think so.
Willow original wasn't that good.
What was all that stuff about development money? What were you hoping to do? Embezzle it.
Yeah, and get away scott free, but you've scuttled that, haven't you? Can I have the £5,000 back I gave you? No, you may not, steamy.
I've spent it.
On what? Frittered it away on nonsense mostly.
I'm having a Bat Belt made.
It cost £900.
It's got all these new pockets.
It's got a pocket for the iPad, a pocket for the iPhone, I could get a pocket for you.
When you're ready, sir.
Good, thank you.
Um, oh! Is there a problem? No, I Do you know who I am? Er Val Kilmer.
Yes, sir, yeah.
See this watch? It's worth thousands of dollars, as far as you know.
What do you say we take it off my wrist and put it on your wrist, we tear up the bill? No, I can't accept your watch, sir, no.
No? No.
So you want cash? Good.
I'm just going to go out to my car and get my wallet, OK? OK.
He's not coming back.
What? He's not coming back.
Val Kilmer's done a runner and we've both fallen for it.
Well, then you're going to have to Pay the bill, yeah.
Course I am.
Didn't even eat anything.
To cut a long story short, it was a con.
So can you tell Ian I'll pay you both back as soon as I can? It wasn't Ian's money.
It was mine.
I'm even more sorry then because you've wasted your money.
There was no film to invest in.
Oh, I wasn't investing in a film, Warwick.
You know I was investing in you.
Thanks.
It's not the money I've lost.
It's not even that the film isn't happening.
It's that I feel stupid.
I just feel like a total fool.
Luckily I'm going to be busy with Keith and Les and Shaun and the gigs and the TV show and whatever.
We're off on the road again soon.
Oh, here's my chauffeur.
I wish.
Maybe one day.
You've got to stay optimistic.
All right.
Who was that? That's Jonathan Kavanagh, he's a big talent agent, he represents a lot of the big names.
Yeah, I know who he is.
We've had a couple of meetings with him and basically he's going to take us to the next level.
I don't understand.
Well, he's booked us a proper UK tour.
You know, with good venues and press, PR and everything.
How do I fit in? Well, that's what we're saying.
We can't give away two lots of 20%.
Are you firing me? No, it's not firing, is it? Because we've done this stage of it and you've been paid for everything so far.
What are you not happy about with me? No, it's nothing to do with you, Warwick.
No, it's our last bite of the cherry.
We have to do what's best for us.
We can't turn it down.
It's a huge chance.
Hang on, I got you the TV offer.
We're not going with that.
Jonathan's got us a bigger and better deal with ITV1.
You weren't even working as a team before me.
None of this existed.
I put the act together.
What did you put together? I've been doing those jokes for years.
There's not a single original idea in the whole act, mate.
But we're friends, aren't we? It's business, Warwick.
We need to get going.
I can't do it anymore.
It's knockback after knockback and it's just not worth it.
I'm going to pack it all in.
Everything? Everything.
The agency, showbiz, acting.
I've been doing it since I was a kid and it's just not making me happy.
Are you sure? Yeah.
I think I've been clinging onto fame or whatever because people have always looked at me and I thought I'd rather they look at me because they've seen me in a film, not just because I'm small.
Guys, thanks for coming down.
Um, I've got some bad news.
Willow 2 is not happening.
I know, I'm so sorry.
And on top of that, I'm giving up.
Yeah, I'm closing the agency.
I'm afraid you're on your own.
What do you mean? What are we going to do? I was never any good for you.
I used to nick all your roles, I exploited you.
We're always going to be exploited, Warwick.
We've been exploited all our lives, but if we're going to be exploited, let's at least be exploited by another dwarf.
You shouldn't let yourselves be exploited.
If you want something, take the bull by the horns and go for it.
That's what you did and now you're saying you're giving up.
You're ambitious, you're smart.
If you can't succeed, what chance have we got? What do you want me to do? I want you to carry on as we are.
You represent us, we'll struggle on blindly, never getting anywhere and die before we realise we never made it.
Who wants to struggle on blindly, never getting anywhere, and die before they realise it was all a waste of time? Well, let's struggle on blindly then.
Yes! Cheryl, go and get some champagne.
Take some money out the petty cash.
There is no petty cash.
No, right.
Well, forget that, I can't afford champagne.
Whip round! Yeah.
If what they want is blind hope, I can give them that.
If they want someone working for them who will try, but probably fail, then they've come to the right man.
No seriously.
I'm going to work hard for them, and for me.
Cheers, chaps! Are you still pissing? No.