Little Britain (UK) s01e08 Episode Script

Brighton, Brighton, Bri 0h! Britain, Britain, Britain! Birthplace of William Shakespeare, Mahatma Gandhi and Big Bird.
But what of the ordinary people of Britain? What about them and all their stuff? We aim to find out in what I promise is the final episode of this series.
0h, ma sweet potatoes! Transvestism in Britain is as popular today as it has always been.
I myself am currently wearing a lovely dress that used to belong to my father.
- (ENGINE SPLUTTERS) - Oi, mate! - You in the skirt! - Yes? - You couldn't give me a push, could you? - But I'm a lady.
- Please? - Ladies don't push.
- Oh, go on, pal.
- All right, then.
A little lady's push.
- You couldn't push a bit harder, could you? - It sounds like you've flooded the engine.
- Oh, no! Have I? - Being a lady, I wouldn't really know.
- But you've had the choke out too long.
- Really? Oui, oui.
Ouvrez le bonnet! (VERY MALE VOICE) Oh, yeah! You've got a faulty connection with your starter motor.
(LADYLIKE) Try it now.
- (ENGINE PURRS) - Thanks.
- Pleasure's all mine.
- You certainly know your stuff.
I grew up with three brothers, so I suppose I am a bit of a tomboy! Yeah, I bet you are.
It's twenty to Toby and we're in Wales, which is apparently part of Britain.
Absolutely fascinating! It says in here Boy George is a gay! - Can I have another Bacardi and Coke, please? - Miss Fitzwilliams will serve you.
I'm leaving.
- Oh, yes? Where are you going? - Well, I got a date, see.
Oooh! Oh, a date.
I'd love to go on a date, but I can't as I'm the only gay in the village.
- Yes, of course you are.
See you tomorrow.
- So, who's the lucky fella? - I don't want to miss my bus.
- No, come on! Well, I wasn't planning on telling you tonight, but I suppose you may as well know.
- I'm going on a date with another woman.
- Oh, I see.
Girls' night out, is it? Look, Daffyd, I'll make no bones about it.
- I've been seeing this girl for a while now.
- What? I suppose I'm finally coming to terms with the fact that I am a lesbian.
Ta-ra! - Hang on just a minute! - What? - You are not a gay! - I am.
- No! I'm the gay in this village! - Well, I'm gay, too.
Bye! - Let's just talk about this.
- Can we do it later? Rhiannon's waiting for me.
Rhiannon? Rhiannon? How far have you gone with this Rhiannon? Just a bit of fanny fun.
Can I have a large brandy, please, Miss Fitzwilliams? Look, Daffyd, I gotta go.
Rhiannon's minge is gonna get cold.
- There you go, Daffyd.
- Oh, thank you.
- So did you have any idea Myfanwy is a gay? - Not until she joined my lesbian pottery class.
When it comes to getting ready to go out, women in Britain take, on average, six months longer than men.
At this house in Quimby, woman Helen is finally ready.
- Ssh! He's just going off.
- We'll be late.
- The babysitter isn't even here yet.
- Is it Saskia again? No, she wasn't available.
The agency's sending somebody else.
Are these shoes all right? - Yes, I told you.
They're fine.
- (DOORBELL RINGS) - Are you the babysitter? - Babysitter, yes.
- Have you done this before? - Yes.
I sit baby real good.
Bring her in.
Oh.
Hello.
I'm Peter.
Ah! Pietka! That was my mother's name! - And you'veyou've met my wife, Helen.
- Ah! Helen! That was not my mother's name! - Actually, darling, I'm not feeling very well.
- It's important.
The whole office'll be there.
- Important, office, huh? - All right.
Harvey's over here.
He's fine.
Any problems and our mobile numbers are on the table.
I will make sure nothing happens to your baby! I swear on your life! - Oh, thank you.
- If anybody tries to hurt him - Well, we shouldn't be too long.
- Ssh.
Is nothing.
You go, you go! Enjoy! - (MOBILE PHONE RINGS) - Hello? - Your baby is fine.
- Thank you.
If anything happens, I will phone immediately.
- Thank you.
- (PHONE RINGS) - Hello? - Your baby is fine.
Right! Give me the ball! Go and stand over there! Back at one of her old schools, reformed character Vicky Pollard has been asked to give a speech to her old classmates.
OK, gang.
Now, for today's General Studies, I've invited someone along who used to be a pupil at this school.
Her name is Vicky Pollard.
Some of you may remember her.
I said sorry! Now, I'm sure Vicky won't mind me saying that she used to be a bit of a tearaway.
She got caught shoplifting, was sent to a young offenders institution, became pregnant at 14 and had the baby taken into care, but she's turned her life around.
She's now got a job at Boots, a small flat and is taking a part-time course in? - Reading.
- Reading.
And she's here today to tell us all a little bit about her experiences.
So, all right.
Over to you, Vicky.
Shutup.
I ain't donenothin' and if anyone says I did, they get beatings.
Right, thanks.
Um, has anybody got any questions they want to ask? Yeah, Jordan.
- Yeah.
What did you nick? - Shut up! I never nicked nothin', apart from one thing, one other thing and a few other things, but apart from that, nothin'.
Wayne Duggan bunked off PE and took a slash all over Elliot Nathan's brand new Adidas bag and now he's gonna tell the whole of Year Nine that Wayne Duggan sniffs highlighter pens.
- OK.
Let's have another one.
Harmony? - Have you got a criminal record? Yeah, but you just lie about it.
Misha reckons her dad killed this man, but he said he never and now he's got this really good job putting jam in Jammy Dodgers.
- One more.
Dean? - What's borstal like? Oh, my God, it's like SO brilliant! There's no lessons or homework or nothin' and people get beaten up and once this girl got locked in the fridge and nearly died! OK.
Thanks a lot, Vicky.
A lot to think about there and how to apply it all to our own lives.
- Oh, sorry.
Kelly, did you have a question? - Did you get that Tommy I asked you for? Anyone else wants anything, just let me know.
Thanks a lot, Vicky.
- Right, you can go.
- Go.
All right.
- Your baby.
- Huh? It's all right, you can keep it.
I've got loads more at home anyway.
Bonfires in Britain are a great way of getting rid of those old things lying around that you don't need any more.
0nly last week I found an old bonfire I never use and put that on a bonfire.
Right, this is the last of the boxes.
- Are you sure you want all this stuff burnt? - Yeah.
Got all your old books and your games in here.
- Are you sure you don't want them? - Yeah.
- You want it all put on the fire? - Yeah, burn it up.
'Cause once I burn it, you can't have it back.
- You do know that? - Yeah, I know.
- You want it all burnt? - Yeah.
I want me stuff back.
So, my little friend, what shall we do? # Ahh, ahh, Babushka, Babushka, Babushka, ya ya # Ahh, ahh, Babushka, Babushka, Babushka, ya ya # # Babushka, Babushka, ya ya # - (PETER) Hello! - Ssh! Baby sleeping.
- Oh, how has he been? - He very hungry.
- Right.
What did you give him? - Meat! - What kind? - Good meat! - Did you give him any milk? - Yes, he very thirsty baby.
There was some milk in the fridge.
Find it? No, I use my own.
Right.
Did youdid you have to change him? No, is same baby.
Right, well, we were gone what, about three hours? So is £15 OK? Oh, thank you! Thank you! £15! Where I come from, you have to babysit three hours to earn £15! - I will send it home to my mother! - Oh, that's good.
- It is not good.
She is dead.
- Oh.
Well, it's getting rather late.
I imagine you'll want to be getting back.
If ever you need babysitter and Boris is not available, please remember I have brother Josef.
- Oh, yes? - He is a very bad man.
But he wants to be good in his heart, eh? - Well, we'll bear that in mind.
- Remember him! We will, we will.
- Hello, Harvey! - Oh, I think he's going to say something.
(HARVEY RASPS) Comrade Stalin salutes you! At Kelsey Grammar School in Flange, it is break time.
(BELL RINGS) Sit.
Yesterday's test did not make for happy reading.
Meacher, the answer to question two was Golden Wonder, not KP.
Philips, how many times do you need to be told? Red for ready salted, blue for salt and vinegar! Patel, the two variables on the graph were pickled onion and prawn cocktail.
Wilson, you could have had Cheese and Owen or Smoky Beckham.
There is no such flavour as Prawn Collymore! Papathasaniou, please note Monster Munch is maize-based.
This was covered in the first term.
I put maize! Frazzles, Denton, not Quavers.
They look like rashers, for Pete's sake.
The clue is in the bag.
Nash, you got 95%.
Well done.
I particularly enjoyed your diagram of a Wotsit.
Irving, number five was oxbow lakes.
Otherwise good.
Where is Irving? He's having his tonsils out, sir.
And, finally, Palfrey, best before? - (ALL) See base of pack.
- Hmm.
Weather-wise, the best time to visit Scotland is Tuesday the 12th of June around 2.
30.
Mr McCooney, you have tax payments overdue of nearly £24,000.
- Can you give us a cheque today? - Maybe I can and maybe I can't! (PLAYS FOLK TUNE) Please, we had all of this last year.
You've got to take this seriously.
- Ye-e-e-es.
- Can you give us the cheque today? (''DAD'S ARMY'' THEME) That's not the answer I'm looking for.
(''LAST OF THE SUMMER WINE'' THEME) You'd help yourself a lot more if you gave us some straight answers.
Your form here is incomplete.
''Gross income: yes.
Net income: yes.
'' No, it's not ''yes''.
It's ''ye-e-e-e-es''.
- You can't just put ''ye-e-e-es'', you know.
- Yes.
So can you give us some payment today? What if I were to offer yousix magic beans? - Probably wouldn't be interested.
- Seven magic beans! - Nope.
- How about a talking noisy box? Inside, there are tiny sprites a-talking to you.
But they cannae hear ye, mind, unless they're doing a phone-in.
- No.
- You want the piccalilo, don't you? You'll never take it! Never! - Oh! Have it, have it and be gone! - I'll tell you what, Mr McCooney.
- Why don't you pick up your quill? - Ye-e-e-es? - And your magic money paper.
- Oh, ye-e-es? Put your mark upon it.
And we'll do the rest.
- Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
- Good day.
Fare thee well, keepers of the purse! Shit! Country house, blah, blah, blah.
Novelist, blah, blah, blah.
Cue the rude topiary.
Make sure you get down every word, Miss Grace.
(RADI0 ) There's a tailback stretching a mile and a half, so avoid like the plague.
The Dartford Tunnel jam-packed Said James.
.
.
at twenty past.
In the meantime, remember this? (MUSIC: WHAM! - ''WAKE ME UP BEFORE YOU GO-GO'') #Jitterbug! #Jitterbug! - # You put the # - Said Lady Asquith.
It's all change at the community centre.
0ne group has finished their weekly meeting, whilst another is just beginning.
''FatFighters'' meets once a week.
Those in attendance have managed to steal themselves away from eating for just an hour to talk about food.
The greedy fuckers! Or just some low-fat cottage cheese if you're a vegelesbian.
Now, before we go any further, I want to introduce you to a new face.
She is a new face.
She is, in fact, from ''FatFighters'' head office.
Now, her name is Mrs Harrison.
Mrs Harrison has come here today to check that I'm running the meetings OK.
So you can all tell her how brilliant I am! What happened? Did someone complain? It could be one or a series of complaints.
Right.
Who was it? Was it him? You can't say, you can't say.
Was it her? Was it written in Indian? You can't say.
Bastards.
OK, let's start with the weigh-in.
Eh, Paul - Excuse me, Marjorie? - Yes, Mrs Harrison? You've forgotten.
The course leader weighs themselves first.
Oh, no, that's OK.
I weighed myself at home to save time.
Eight stone five.
What? Right.
Oh, this? Oh, sorry.
Right.
Sorry.
I wasn't sure.
What do I? Get up, do I? - You WERE fourteen stone and four pounds.
- Oh, I was big, wasn't I? You are .
.
fifteen stone and eleven pounds.
Oh.
Well, er - You don't allow us to take shoes off.
- I don't know about India, but over here - Fifteen stone ten.
- See? It's dropping, dropping.
This jacket's very, very heavy.
I don't need these.
This can go.
- Fifteen stone eight and a half.
- This has got a lot of underwiring.
- Marjorie, I think we've seen enough.
- Yeah! Marjorie, this isn't easy for me to say, but because you've put on so much weight, I'm afraid I have no option but to suspend you.
- You what?! - It really doesn't set a good example.
Look who's talking! You're no spring onion! - We'll discuss this later.
- No, let's have it out now! - You're making an exhibition of yourself.
- Oh, am I really? Well, you can take your ''FatFighters'' and you can shove it up your fat arse! SCREW you! I'll just (PASSIONATE, CLASSICAL PERFORMANCE) (MOBILE PHONE BEEPS) When I'm old, I hope I have the good manners to throw myself out of a window.
But some people are selfish and go on living, like this old bitch.
(DOORBELL RINGS) (ROMANTIC MUSIC) Oh, hello, Jason.
Gary not with you? No, I don't see so much of Gary these days.
Oh, that's a shame.
Well, come in.
I, er, brought you some things.
Oh, thank you.
Oh.
Oh! Oh, I like this.
That's nice.
What's this? ''Nine and a Half Weeks''? Oh.
Right.
Now Oh.
I can't have jelly.
I'm diabetic.
Never mind.
This bag will come in useful.
Why don't you open the ice cream now? It's .
.
fun to share.
Not for me, thanks, love.
I've just had a nectarine.
But you have some.
(DOORBELL RINGS) Oh, that'll be Winnie.
- I won't be a mo.
- OK.
- Oh, great (!) - (NAN) I've got somebody with me.
He's a lovely boy.
He's a friend of Gary's.
- Winnie, this is Jason.
- Hello, love.
- Hell-o! - Can you see the family resemblance? Yeah.
You never told me you had anolder sister.
Lovely to see you, dear.
(ROMANTIC MUSIC) Fancy a sandwich, Jason? Chinese food has been so popular in Britain, it has been exported as far afield as China.
They repeated it last night.
It was very funny.
Molly came in, she shook her brolly and said her pussy had got all wet in the rain.
- Really? - It's funny.
It rained at her wedding.
My bridesmaid outfit got soaked.
Everybody.
This duck's very fatty.
- Do you think I should send it back? - Yes.
Oh, my word! - You'll never guess who's just walked in.
- Who? - Molly Sugden! - Don't be silly, Clive.
Yeah, that's definitely her.
Go and say hello! - No, Clive, she doesn't want to be bothered.
- What? You were bridesmaid at her wedding! - No, Clive, no! - All right.
Let's go somewhere else.
I don't like it here.
Have you seen who's just come in? Your friend, Molly Sugden.
- Oh, come on.
You haven't seen her for years.
- Clive! Excuse me.
Er, Mrs Sugden? - Yes? - I'm so sorry to bother you.
I thought you might like to know that I'm here with my wife Liz, who used to be Liz Bendall.
- Sorry? - She was the bridesmaid at your wedding.
Well, I don't know anyone called Liz.
My friend Helen was the only bridesmaid at my we Inside 10 Downing Street, the Prime Minister has an urgent meeting with his Italian counterpart.
I actually lived in Italy for a few years while I was Pope.
- And, Prime Minister, I believe that - (HE TRANSLATES) .
.
a very special bond between our two nations .
.
can only grow stronger in this difficult time.
As you know, this evening I will be having talks with the President of France - Hiya! - Sebastian, er - I'm in an important meeting.
Can't it wait? - (HE TRANSLATES) No, Prime Minister, it can't.
What's all this about you flying off to China tomorrow? Well, it's a matter of grave international importance.
The meeting about your agricultural report will have to wait.
- I had my hair done and everything! - (HE TRANSLATES) Sebastian Sebastian, please! You just use me when you want, then you throw me away! (HE TRANSLATES) Can you please stop translating this? (HE TRANSLATES) Thank you.
- Come here.
- Don't touch me! - I could do without the hysterics! - Oh, I'm being hysterical, am I?! Prime Minister Carluccio should know what you're really like.
The meeting tomorrow is off.
- I've got other plans now anyway.
- Oh, have you? The Leader of the Opposition invited me for tea.
Think about that when you're on your little plane tomorrow.
- Goodbye, Sebastian.
- Whatever.
Goodbye, Mr Italian Prime Minister.
- Ciao.
- Oh, ciao! Ciao! Get out! - Sorry about that.
- (HE TRANSLATES) - (HE SPEAKS ITALIAN) - What did he say? The Prime Minister say, ''If you love him, go after him.
'' At this really supermarket in Herby, Lou is taking Andy on his weekly shop.
- Now, which soup do you want for your tea? - That one.
- That one? - Yeah.
- But that's whole sweet red peppers.
- Yeah, I know.
I'll get you some cream of tomato.
You like cream of tomato, don't you? - Here! What are you doing? - Robbing! - It's very wrong to steal! You do know that? - Yeah, I know.
Well, put that back, then.
I am very disappointed in you, Andy Pipkin.
I don't ever want to see you do that again.
- Do you hear? - Sorry.
Right.
Now, we're all out of beans.
I could get you the normal ones or the ones with the little chipolatas in.
Oh! They're doing a special offer on Alphabetti Spaghetti.
I'll get that instead.
Andy? Andy? Andy! - What's the record? - Uh, sixteen.
We haven't got any more seats.
Probably room for one more small one! Ian (HORN BEEPS) No, it's no use.
I've got to get out.
Come on, I can't breathe.
Let me out.
And so this remarkable series draws to a close.
I think it's fair to say that this has been arguably the finest programme ever broadcast and that I am some kind of god, who should be worshipped as such.
Next week, ''Coupling'' or something.
Goodbibe!