Living Biblically (2018) s01e08 Episode Script

1 (SIGHS) Anyone up for another beer? Or should we switch it up to holy spirits? (CHUCKLES) No, it's tempting, but, man, I tell you, I cannot drink like I used to.
I'm still hungover from a barbecue in August.
Yeah, plus, I got some work to do tonight.
I love how you refer to watching a movie as work.
I restarted a man's heart today.
(CHUCKLES) Man, movies are so bad these days.
What are you reviewing, - 12 Fast 12 Furious? - (CHUCKLES) - Batman vs.
Lego Batman? - (CHUCKLES) The Avengers vs.
Madea? (LAUGHS) Oh, I wish.
No, it's a, it's a romantic comedy that's about people that meet through a dating app, and it's called Tinder-Ella.
Wow.
They're trying way too hard to target that millennial generation.
#Overlt.
Hey, I'm a sucker for any Rom-com, even the bad ones.
They just make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.
- Mm.
- That's what a glass of wine and my Idris Elba calendar does for me.
You know what doesn't feel like a warm and fuzzy Rom-com? Wha? Are we supposed to guess or? My marriage.
- Oh, no.
What's going on? - Oh, no.
What's up, man? Ah, rumors are swirling around the temple that my wife, Sheila, was seen receiving and enjoying a back rub at the hands of the new, young, handsome rabbi, Trent.
I'm a cuck, Chip.
Really? A back rub to cuck? Alright , I I think there's just a-a few more stops on the Cuck Express.
I mean, it-it's just a rumor, right, Gil? I don't know.
I heard this from some very reliable gossips.
The worst part is they say it happened on Shabbat.
They're calling it "The Rubdown at Sundown.
" - Doesn't even rhyme.
- It kind of rhymes.
It does.
But even if the rumors are true And-and we're all praying they're not It's probably nothing.
Yeah.
I mean, it's just a back rub.
Okay.
But, I mean, if you heard a rumor that a woman at work was giving me a massage, how would you feel? Good point.
- I'd drop-kick her into traffic.
- Yes.
All I know is, if I were to give any of you a back rub, we'd be doing other things real quick.
Like what? You really want to know, priest? I didn't think so.
LESLIE: Gil, you need to confront Sheila.
But you want her to feel safe, so lead with your heart, not accusations.
And, remember, your wife is innocent until proven guilty - in the court of love.
- Hmm.
- Thanks for being here for me, guys - CHIP: Yeah.
I'm-I'm gonna go home and talk to Sheila.
Drinking's not gonna help me.
(CHUCKLES) - There you go, buddy.
- You go, Rabbi.
- Good luck, man.
- All right.
Five or six drinks couldn't hurt.
- No, go! - Go! - Go! No, seriously, go.
So, Vince, if you're giving somebody a back rub, does it mean that you want to have sex with them? No.
It means I am having sex with them.
Why else would I do it? (LAUGHS) DOUG: Hey, guys.
How's my Doug-tourage doing? What are you all working on? Working on getting the hell out of your 'tourage.
I have to write a review of this terrible romantic comedy with, uh, Ellen Page - and Harry Styles.
- Ooh.
Love me some H-Styles.
(CHUCKLES) Yeah, I've been to lots of One Direction concerts.
What? It's a great place to meet girls.
(SCOFFS) I mean moms! (SCOFFS) Young moms.
Speaking of One Direction, why don't you mosey off that way? (CHUCKLES) Chip, where's your movie review? (SIGHS) I don't know.
I'm struggling with it, you know? I haven't had to review a stinker since I started living by the Bible, and it just doesn't feel very Christlike to be so negative about somebody's labor of love.
You know? It's like calling somebody's baby ugly.
Some babies are ugly, Chip.
If you can't figure out how to write your Bible column and your movie column, I'm gonna have to give your movie reviews to Doug.
Don't worry, Chip, she'll be in good hands.
Soft, supple, small for a man, but made for a woman.
Why do I feel like I'm gonna be called to testify against him one day? (CHUCKLES): Hey, boys! Next round's on me.
(CHUCKLES) CHIP: Oh! Look at this guy.
You're in a good mood.
So, huh, I guess it went okay with Sheila? Well, you know, it's a funny story.
I took Leslie's advice.
I headed straight home to talk to the missus, and she wasn't even there.
(LAUGHING) I mean, it's not Tommy Boy funny, but, you know Maybe you had to be there? She was sitting in a car across the street with Rabbi Trent.
(LAUGHING) Anyone want to guess what they were doing? Not really.
(LAUGHING): They were kissing.
(LAUGHING) Pretty passionately.
- Ugh.
- Oh, no.
Come here, buddy.
I'm so sorry, Gil.
Oh, for what? I'm just thirsty.
Come on.
Mmm.
Gil.
All right, the jig is up.
I know I made it seem like everything was totally cool and normal.
That's actually not the vibe I was picking up at all.
Well, the truth is, it's, uh (CLEARS THROAT) it's bad.
It's real bad.
Uh, I pounded my fist on the car's windshield and broke it.
And then I realized it was my car.
And tonight I'll be sleeping on a pile of glass in a windshield-less car.
And did I mention the forecast calls for rain? You know, Gil, I have some business associates.
Say the word, and that Rabbi Trent'll have (WHISPERS): a little accident.
LESLIE: I feel so bad for Gil.
- Is there anything we can do? - Yes.
The Bible commands us to "show hospitality to one another without grumbling.
" So, I think we should ask him to stay here.
Chip, no, that is not a good idea.
I'm hearing grumbling.
I think you're reading too much into this rule.
Can I take this for a while? Come on.
You know, Jesus would've let Gil stay with him.
Yeah, 'cause there was no Mrs.
Jesus to tell him it was a bad idea.
Look, you know I love Gil, but I have a crazy week at work.
I ca (DOORBELL RINGS) Who's that? That's gonna be Gil.
I'm sorry.
I-I just saw this conversation going a completely different way.
- Hey! Come on in.
- Hey! Hey, thanks for letting me crash here, guys.
Now, listen, is there an extension cord for my sleep apnea machine? Chip, I need to talk to you.
Are you sure Gil's still asleep? I'm not sure he's still alive.
(FILTERED BREATHING) I am on night three of no sleep.
Who makes popcorn at 4:00 a.
m.
? Ugh.
I don't know, but didn't really love the way he stood over our bed to offer us some, Paranormal Activity style.
- Plus, he's got those night terrors.
- Mm.
(SHOUTING) Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh! And morning terrors.
- It's too much.
- (SIGHS) Chip, this is my one day off of work.
I do SoulCycle, and then I unwind at home.
I need that.
I mean, I feel for the guy, but I can't have him around all day, crying through The View, The Chew, and The Talk.
- I know.
I get it.
- GIL: Ay, ay, ay, ay.
Yi, yi, yi, yi.
Yi, yi, yi! (GRUNTS) Morning, Lord Vader.
How you feeling, buddy? (GROANS) Not great.
I dreamt that this couch came to life and then cheated on me.
How'd you two sleep? Good? Well, the screaming kept us up, but the whimpering lulled us to sleep.
You didn't hear me playing Celine Dion in the middle of the night, did you? No, we heard it.
You accidentally streamed it to the Bluetooth speakers in our bedroom.
I'm sorry about that.
I, uh I needed a reminder that my heart will, in fact, go on.
So, uh, what are you thinking, man? You maybe - get back to the temple today? - Yeah.
Oh, I (CHUCKLES) I-I can't face my congregation.
I mean, you know, I counsel most of them on their marriages.
Right now, the only advice I got for them is get out! Everybody, this is my rabbi, Gil Ableman.
I thought you were Catholic.
I am.
Catholics can have rabbis.
I don't think that's true.
Gil, just make yourself at home.
Well, that'll be difficult without a man here having sex with my wife.
(BOTH LAUGHING) (LAUGHING) I don't know why we're laughing.
Ah, speak of the devil.
It's Sheila.
Morning, Satan.
- What's up, man? - Hey.
I didn't know it was "bring your rabbi to work day.
" I didn't know it was, uh "wear your cool shirt and pants day.
" That's all I got.
I really like your outfit.
Your friend still staying with you? Oh, yes.
He's still staying with us.
Every time I walk in the front door, he says, "Wash your hands and say your prayers.
God and germs are everywhere.
" I don't know how you do it, man.
I hate people staying at my place.
- Leaving mysterious hairs on the soap.
- Ugh.
Using my expensive-ass olive oil, claiming they thought it was cheap-ass olive oil.
They knew.
So, how long you gonna keep up this hospitable thing? Uh, well the Bible's a little vague on checkout dates, but, um, I think he's getting better.
Could you please stop interrupting me, Sheila?! Chip.
(SNAPS FINGERS) Is this yours? Yes, ma'am.
He's my rabbi.
Well, unless he's performing your bris, he's got to go.
Hey, schmeckle.
Scram! You, take a seat.
I just read your Tinder-Ella review, and I am confused.
Oh, well, it's a play on the title Cinderella.
I'm about to take off my glass slipper and shove it somewhere it definitely won't fit.
You are supposed to be a critic, Chip.
In this review, there's absolutely no criticism.
You know, you are getting too comfortable here.
In fact, you look way too comfortable sitting in that chair.
Stand up.
I'm sitting.
What I was trying to say i Okay.
Well, now I feel like you're in the power position.
Nobody sits! Just write a real review.
And the rabbi? He's got to go Ra-bye-bye.
(GROANS) Hey, Leslie.
What you doing? GIL: I'll tell you, Leslie.
I can fix everyone's marriage but my own.
What do, what do you and Chip do when, you know, you haven't spoken to each other for six months and it leads to infidelity? Honestly, Gil, I can't even imagine us ever in that situation.
Our problems are more like, "Why'd you eat my pickles?" Or, "Why are you living 100% by the Bible?" I'm jealous.
You guys have it all figured out, huh? You know, Gil, it seems like you're holding a lot inside.
This class might help.
It's a great stress reliever.
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) All right, who's ready to get their soul cycled? Me! I want everyone to really let go.
Grunt.
Shout.
Whatever works to get those stresses out.
(ALL GRUNTING AND SHOUTING) Woo-hoo! Life can be very challenging! That's what I'm talking about.
Wow.
- That felt pretty great.
- Good.
Keep it up.
I'm very, very angry! Good.
Use that.
My marriage is a sham! My-my wife never loved me! Never! She only makes her side of the bed.
And when I ask her if a shirt makes me look fat, she says yes without even looking! And she puts cheese in everything even though she knows damn well I'm lactose intolerant! And guess what, Sheila? We both deserve orgasms! (PANTING) Okay, now you guys go.
- Father.
- Son.
I have something to confess.
I brought a plus-one.
Hey, Gene.
Never been in one of these.
Is it normal to have three people in a confessional booth? No.
It wasn't normal when Chip brought a pizza in here, either.
I did not "bring a pizza in here.
" I had it delivered.
And, if I remember correctly, you had three slices, - Father "I'm Not Hungry.
" - (GROANS) You see, Father, Chip offering Gil our hospitality has been causing some problems between us.
(SIGHS) Listen, I-I love that maniac to death.
He's a real mensch.
But when he's having marital issues, he can be a pain in the tuches.
Did he hit you with that Celine? - Ugh.
- It's all day now.
Near, far, wherever we are.
This afternoon Chip dumped Gil on me, and he got me kicked out of SoulCycle.
(SIGHS) I'm trying to do the biblical thing by showing my friend hospitality, but But I haven't had privacy for days and, frankly, mama likes to air-dry.
Is that a weird thing to tell a priest? That's a weird thing to tell anybody.
My point is I don't want to hurt Gil, but I-I need my home back.
And my point is I just can't kick out a friend in need.
So what do we do? Hey, I only choose sides at KFC.
(CHUCKLES) Being hospitable to a friend in need is the right thing to do.
(CLICKS TONGUE) Ah, so I was right.
But there have to be limits.
Yeah, so I was right.
Well, you're both right.
- BOTH: Oh, you coward.
- Boo.
Ugh, boo.
(SCOFFS) By tiptoeing around Gil, you're actually enabling his behavior.
The fact is, if Gil doesn't move out, - he's never gonna move on.
- LESLIE: Hmm.
So it's not un-biblical to tell him to hit the road? God's a fan of tough love, Chip.
Ever hear of Job? Oh, I've been reading it as "job.
" But I get what you're saying.
Because my name is Tinder-Ella, and I've been swiping left on love for far too long.
Well, today I am swiping right! You go, T.
Oh, hey.
(LAUGHS) There they are.
(TV TURNS OFF) FYI, your garbage disposal is broken.
We don't have a garbage disposal.
Oh.
Then your sink is broken.
Gil, listen (SIGHS) - It's been a pleasure having you here.
- Yeah.
And you know, this isn't easy to say, but I think it's time that you Replace the Mountain Dew I drank? Hmm? Check the fridge in an hour.
I'm gonna go get some.
No, no, no.
I-I don't need you to do the Dew, Gil.
I What I was gonna say was that-that Leslie and I talked, and we think it's time that you move out.
And we'll totally help you find a new place.
We just think Ah, bup-bup-bup-bup.
You had me at, "Get the hell out of our apartment.
" (GROANS) As evidenced by the Gil-shaped crater in your couch, I have had a lot of time to think about it, and, uh, no, you're right.
I-I need to get back to my own life.
(CHUCKLES) And look, man, we're really sorry that we couldn't help more.
Oh, you helped tremendously.
Are you kidding? I mean, L-Leslie, that, uh, SoulCycle class you took me to, that-that really opened me up.
You know? I-I wound up calling Sheila, and, uh, we figured things out.
Oh, really? You two are getting back together? Oh, Lord, no.
No, no.
That ship sailed long ago and then capsized.
And sunk to the bottom of the ocean.
Where a shark ate it.
No, I, uh, told her we're separating.
- Oh.
- Oh, man.
Well, look, if it makes you feel any better, she did not sound great.
Please, it's a blessing.
Look, staying here with you has reminded me of what a loving relationship is supposed to look like.
Right? You're a team.
You support each other.
You sleep in the same bedroom.
Your love is so real and uncomplicated, it would make the crappiest Rom-com, and I mean that in the best possible way.
You know, Gil, we really care about you, - and we're always here for you.
- Yes.
Even if you're not, you know, here.
Bring it in, you crazy kids! (ALL LAUGH) No, seriously, though, um thank you for your hospitality.
I'm gonna go take a quick bath and then head out.
"Despite the terrible writing, acting, and directing, Tinder-Ella is a sweet love story that just might pull you out of a serious funk " Hey, I liked it.
A must-watch for rabbis whose wives are shtupping other rabbis.
(ALL LAUGH) Yeah, I decided not to use that quote, Gil.
What do you think, Gene, huh? Nothing un-biblical about that review, right? A little tough love like God with your boy "job" Job.
Huh? Good "Job," Chip.
But, hey, you wrote a movie review, not a movie, - so take it down a notch.
- (LAUGHS) Hey, all right.
Glad to see you smiling again, Gil, and as for that wife, - good riddance.
- (CHUCKLES) Best thing I ever did was leave my ex-husband.
All four of those bastards.
Well, thanks, Gracie.
I, uh, I do feel good.
I mean, well, I-I'd be feeling even better if I could get this damn crick out of my neck that I got from sleeping on their couch.
Oh.
Gil, maybe I can help you with that.
That's right.
Lean into it, baby.