Loudermilk (2017) s01e08 Episode Script
Invitation Only
1 Dad? What are you doing here? I'm dying.
Bullshit.
Nah, I'm not dying.
But I sorta missed ya.
So, guess what.
My dad's in town.
Yeah, I know.
I may have told him that you were at the church.
Why would you do that? You know he's one of my triggers.
LOUDERMILK: No.
No.
Come on! Not here! Sorry, but, someone's sleeping on the couch.
- Oh, yeah.
- Dad, please! I'd let you sleep on my couch, Loudermilk, but my couch is, like, three-feet long.
Okay.
Couch is good.
ALLISON: How's Ben doing? Uh, he's good.
You know, being Ben.
[CHUCKLES.]
Why? Look what I found hiding under the couch.
- That's not mine.
- Bullshit.
Who's is it then? Before we go any further I know you said, but you won't go into my bed You never cared what I was doin' Hey.
Hey! What time is it? Uhh 5:55.
A.
M.
or P.
M.
? P.
M.
Mm If you need love, then I'm yours But if you trip, I ain' wit you I ain't go no time I ain't got no time Uh, thanks for meeting me, man.
Sure.
Yeah, no problem.
What Everything okay? Yeah, yeah, oh, yeah.
I just had a, you know, couple things I want to [INHALES DEEPLY, EXHALES.]
talk about.
Excuse me, um Sir, would you mind just moving over a seat so we can sit together? Yeah, sure.
My good deed for the day.
[LAUGHTER.]
Really? Yeah? That's it? You you move over a seat to the right, and that's your good-deed quota for the day, so you're done now.
Well, no, I'll probably do something better.
- I - No, no, no, no, no.
You've done enough.
You're like, a diner Gandhi, really.
I mean, think If everybody followed your shining example, what a world it would be.
I mean, it'd be the same shit-hole it is now, but we'd all be sitting two feet to the right.
You know what? Fuck you.
So what was this big thing you want to talk about? Yeah, um, listen Lately, I've been, um [SNIFFS.]
Eh, you know what? It's not important.
[FRANZ FERDINAND'S "STAND ON THE HORIZON" PLAYS.]
The North Sea sings, "Won't you come to me, baby?" "Won't you come to me?" Yeah, what's up? DONNY: Question When's the last time you got laid? Answer Six minutes from now, unless you're into foreplay, then make it eight.
[LAUGHING.]
What are you talking about? I'm on my way over.
Got two frisky doves and I need a wingman pronto.
Nope.
No.
Not tonight.
I I got to finish these Voluptuous pitches.
My presentation is on Monday.
Uh, you're not hearing me.
These girls are primed and ready.
I got 'em both sitting on a roll of Brawny to keep my feet dry.
Geez.
Uh uh, ho hold on.
I I'm getting another call.
- Hello.
- CUTTER: Hey.
Just wanted to see how you were doing.
Big day today.
That step 8's a doozy, right? Certainly unexpected.
So everything cool? Yep, everything good.
I'm at home working on my computer.
I'm feeling strong, so So you want to do a midnight meeting? Nope.
No.
I'm on a deadline.
Like I said, lots of work to do.
Good work today on the healing, man.
I'm proud of you.
Thank you.
Hey, Donny? DONNY: Hey, hey, hey, hey! My brotha from anotha mothafucka! Kristy and, uh, uh, Jill [LAUGHS.]
this is Tom.
Hi.
Do you got some tequila? Ahhh! I'm all over it! [BOTH LAUGH.]
What are you doing? I'm getting us laid! What are you drinking? Sprite.
I'm working.
Let me put a lime in your drink so it looks like you're drinking something real.
Drunk chicks don't like to be around guys who aren't drinking.
They feel judged.
CUTTER: Mm.
Yeah, that's what you call working, huh, Tom? DONNY: Okay.
All right! Here's your gin-and-tonic, Tomassio.
A double, as requested, and as required by law in some parts of Texas.
Son of a bitch! [OUT-OF-TUNE GUITARS PLAYING.]
[MUSIC STOPS.]
Oh God, it's you.
I thought maybe David Gilmour was having a stroke.
You know those rolled-up balls of rage at the end of your arms? You could use those to knock on doors.
Who are you? Who am I? Who are you? This is Lizzy.
Carl's niece.
She's visiting for the weekend.
- Oh.
Where's Carl? - He's at the hospital.
That's classic Uncle Carl, huh? 'Cause he's never there for anybody.
Only his suffering patients.
Lizzy and I were having a jam sesh.
Lizzy, this is Loudermilk.
Wow.
What a horrible name.
Wow.
What a horrible kid.
Okay.
So, go on, Loudermilk.
How do we sound? Give us your professional "rock critic" opinion.
Uh Well Okay.
Over here, you got musicians who are good.
They sound good.
Here you got musicians who sound bad, and they're bad, but they, you know, they've got potential.
So we have potential.
Let me finish.
Over here you have some musicians that are just completely hopeless.
That's you guys.
He's just joking, honey.
What do I care? He thinks R.
E.
M.
's "Monster" album was an outrage.
"Noise" is what he called it.
I called it noise? You said it was clunky.
Well, yeah.
It is It is clunky.
Especially it's clunky if you compare it to the previous two albums, which are both masterpieces, right? You gonna explain the distortion to me? Which I get, for a song, but it's there for the whole damn album? And the lyrics are Hollywood as shit, 'cause it sounds like Stipe had just Hey, ho how do you know what I said about that? I read your book.
Uh What's your name? Lizzy.
Lizzy.
You read my book? Yes.
Do I have to repeat everything twice to you? Okay, well, uh, it looks like we have some practicing to do, so see ya.
All right, hey, listen.
Forget what I said earlier, okay? You you keep it up.
Uh, you know, when George Harrison was your age, he Actually, he was already a virtuoso guitarist.
Never mind.
And when John Lennon was your age, he was already dead.
Yeah Yeah.
All right.
You seem sad.
Did your girlfriend just dump you and you got fired or something? No.
No I'm not sad.
Seriously, hon? Nothing horrible happened? - Did your mom die? - No.
- Dad? - No! - Do you have cancer? - No.
No.
I-I [LAUGHING NERVOUSLY.]
I'm fine, okay? I I've just been working all night.
That's it.
This is me happy.
[LAUGHS SOFTLY.]
- You wanna fuck? - Oh.
Yeah.
O okay.
Um There's only one bedroom, though, and they're in it.
Hold this.
Nonstop Where you at, who you with, where you from We get it poppin' nonstop Oh.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
We get it poppin' nonstop Where you at, who you with, where you from [EXHALES DEEPLY.]
Let's go Hey This isn't what it looks like.
So you're not holding two drinks in your hand and getting a BJ? Okay, it's mostly what it looks like, - but I have not been drinking.
- Right.
Like you're gonna bang this coke-whore sober.
- Hey! - Hey, hey.
Wait, wait, wait.
Hey! Hey, wait, wait, wait! D did you just break my door down? Jesus.
This is pure petrol.
I hope you're cool having blood on your hands when this guy pulls a Buddy Holly and drowns in his own puke! You know, I'm just gonna go in the other room with my friends.
- You don't - We get it poppin' nonstop Where you at, who you with, where you from We get it poppin' [SCOFFS.]
Come on, Cutter! I have not had a drink! Stop the lies! Okay.
Oh yeah, go ahead.
You wanna breathalyze me? Go ahead.
[SQUEALING, HIGH-PITCHED.]
Hey, thanks for the lift.
I'll see you tonight.
[GRUNTS.]
I'm gonna come in with you.
- You're going to my meeting? - Yeah.
What are you, checking up on me? No, I mean, you know.
I know that your dad was just here, so that's a bit of a trigger.
Plus, I [INHALES DEEPLY, EXHALES.]
wanted to make sure I work, uh, you know, work on my sobriety muscles.
I don't want them to atrophy like my calves.
Look at these.
Look at these things.
These used to be something.
Now they're sticks.
Look.
What is that? Looks pretty good to me.
Eh, not what it used to be.
So, here's what's bugging me about these meetings.
I feel like none of you guys ever talks about the good part of drinking.
There is no good part of drinking.
It always ends badly.
Yeah, I know, dude, but it's not all bad Or else we wouldn't have done it in the first place.
Young blood's got a point.
MAN: I don't want to hear any more of this.
Who you working for, Seagram's? - Somebody else talk.
- LOUDERMILK: No, no.
I wan let's her Cisco out, okay? I think there might be something in this.
I don't know.
It just feels like, if we act like the good part of drinking completely doesn't exist, it's just, like, we're kind of Living in denial? Well, Cisco's right.
There are some good parts of drinking.
Name one.
Okay.
When you're having a few beers at the footy with your dad, and he turns around and he smiles.
He's had a hard life, you know, your dad.
But today Today's all good.
Okay, okay.
Well, that's one thing.
There's more.
10:00 in the morning on a Tuesday, and you open up that first beer, the sound it makes.
[IMITATES BEER TAB OPENING.]
STEVIE: [LAUGHS.]
I really miss having, uh, wine with my pasta.
Mmm.
Or eating 'shrooms and reading some Tolkien.
Waking up in the morning in a whorehouse.
There's beauty in that.
You know what I miss? Drunk driving.
- You don't miss that.
- I do.
Especially the, uh The early years.
High school.
When it wasn't about the booze.
It was about the freedom.
You know, it was so new.
Remember that 6:00 feeling? It's daylight out, and you're going out.
Anything is possible.
Yeah, you're like Jack Kerouac, attacking the night.
[LAUGHING SOFTLY.]
Yeah.
And you and your friends, you all have a six-pack of beer, you have a half a pint of blackberry brandy, the tunes are crankin', you're passing the bones around.
You d you don't know where you're going, but you know it's gonna be great.
LOUDERMILK: Okay.
Yeah, sure.
And And, we have to remember that Kerouac died at age 47, okay, when his stomach burst.
'Cause he was drinking all that whisky at 11:00 in the morning.
Where'd Ben go? [ELECTRIC GUEST'S "THIS HEAD I HOLD" PLAYS.]
They call me a little grown up See, I'm upset because I've always been stuck But I don't know what it is I'm without Guess I'm in love with [MUSIC STOPS.]
[TIRES SCREECHING.]
[GROANS.]
Oh, my God, are you okay?! Yeah, yeah, I'm good, uh, just a little shaken up.
Oh, geez, that was a close one, huh? - You're not kidding.
- Yeah.
[GRUNTS.]
Okay.
Whew.
[LAUGHS SOFTLY.]
All right.
Wow.
I am really sorry about that.
Boy, oh, boy.
You got everything? Okay.
You take it easy.
Here, look.
I'll tell you what.
Let me give you a [EXHALES SHARPLY.]
[SNIFFS.]
a little something for your trouble.
I-I think we should exchange information.
Hm? I I'd like to see your license? Proof of insurance? [LAUGHS.]
Are you serious? Sorry, but I have been burned before, sir.
If I don't have your information, then my insurance company - might not cover this.
- Cover what? I mean, y you know, you're fine.
Your bottles and cans are fine.
Can't we just say no harm, no foul? What about my vehicle? What vehicle? I mean, this is a - It's a shopping cart.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Ok okay, sir, I know we've both been through a great ordeal here, but I need you to keep the tone down.
Okay.
Tell you what.
How about, uh 40 bucks and we'll call it a day? There's no point discussing money until we've done a thorough walk-around and assessed the damage.
I don't remember seeing that dent there before.
What are you talking about? Look.
This thing's covered in rust.
The dent's probably been there for years.
[SNIFFS TWICE.]
Have you been drinking, sir? What? No.
No.
Of course not.
A hundred bucks.
I think we should call the police.
Let them sort this out.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You know what? Let's call the police.
We'll get them out here.
We'll we'll sort you out.
Let me just, uh Oh, rats.
You know what? I don't have my cellphone on me, so Oh, for fucks sake.
- Siri, call the police.
- No, Siri, don't.
- SIRI: Calling emergency services - Give me this.
- Hey.
- in five seconds.
Okay.
There.
Wow, that is a sticky phone.
Look, look, look.
I'm not trying to get rich here.
I just want my property repaired.
All right, well, you know what? This isn't your property.
- It belongs to Safeway, so - Oh, oh.
Again, sir tone.
All right, you know what? How about I give you a ride over to Whole Foods, we'll trade this model in.
We'll get you a fancy new cart.
What do you say? [LAUGHS.]
I'm not getting in a car with you.
You have been drinking.
Now, I'd like to see your papers.
Okay.
I'm just gonna go into my glove compartment and get them for you.
Hey! Hey! You! [GROANS.]
[SQUEAKS.]
What the fuck? [BREATHING HEAVILY.]
[GROANS.]
No, no, no.
[EXHALES SHARPLY.]
Hello? Help me! Please! [BREATHING HEAVILY.]
[GRUNTING.]
Oh, my God.
Somebody help me! [BREATHING SHALLOWLY.]
[GRUNTING.]
Hey, hey, pork-snout! You okay? You don't look so good.
- No, no, I'm great.
- Ha! Ha! That's the attitude.
I thought you were gonna be upset.
About what? I mean, look at me.
I've got trees and all this mist and That's what I'm talkin' about.
Let's go back inside.
We got some things to figure out.
[GRUNTS.]
[GROANS.]
Why the hell'd you do that? Son of a bi Aah! Aah! - CUTTER: Get in there.
- Ow.
Geez, wait! What's this? You been snooping through my stuff? No.
No, I was just looking for a pen.
Did you see a picture of the dead guy? No.
No, just pictures of living people.
Don't lie to me! That's your disease talking.
[SCOFFS.]
Okay, maybe I saw that.
- Is that Ollie? - No.
The guy in the picture is me.
Mm-hmm.
But your throat is completely cut open.
Special-effects makeup.
I was undercover in a biker gang for a couple years.
When it came time for me to get out, I had to fake my death.
- It looks real.
- Thanks.
I did my own makeup.
Um [CLEARS THROAT.]
So Why did you handcuff me in a trailer against my will? I didn't want you to wake up half-cocked and run out there into the jungle.
You get lost out there, you die.
Who's that guy back there? That guy is my mom.
Mom, wake up! We got company.
Are you sure she's okay? Oh, yeah.
She's one of those real deep REM sleepers.
[BANGING.]
Ma! Come on, wake up! Ow! What the fuck? Oh, yeah.
You banged your head pretty good when I zapped ya.
I had to sew you up to stop the bleeding.
Is this dental floss? Mint flavor.
Acts like a natural antiseptic.
Don't worry, wasn't used.
Um Cutter, I don't know how to say this, but your mom is dead.
Hey, would you stop it? I told you she's a deep sleeper.
Why isn't she breathing? - Aah! - [GROANS.]
What the fuck?! Ohh, I'm so sorry! Why'd you sucker punch my mom? I-I'm sorry, I-I didn't mean to! She snuck up on me, she scared the crap out of me! - [COUGHING.]
- Easy, easy.
I'm so sorry, ma'am.
Ma'am, I would I would never - [COUGHING CONTINUES.]
- Okay.
Easy.
- [WHEEZES.]
- I got you.
I got you.
- [GROANING.]
- Are you okay, mama? I I think he cracked my damn rib.
[COUGHING, GROANING.]
You gotta get control of your demons, man! Hitting a woman? What happened to that dental floss I was drying out on the antlers? Hmm.
Maybe it was used.
many of them LIZZY: I have a question.
Shoot.
What's the point of critics? [CHUCKLES.]
All that turning on Well, the point of critics is that in the pure diarrhea that is pop culture, you need somebody who's gonna be able to find and curate the hidden gems.
And that's my job.
Well, that was my job.
I got to figure out and understand what that artist is trying to do and then inform others.
Of your opinion.
- Well - So many things Yeah.
I I don't understand how that's a career.
The true value of art lies in the artist, - not the guy who judges them.
- [SCOFFS.]
Your whole job is superfluous, and it's based on your own interpretation.
It's a little more complicated than that, though.
- It doesn't sound that complicated to me.
- Really? Here, let me critique you.
I'll show you how easy it is.
Oh, yeah.
Go for it.
You think you're so cool because you got to hang out with rock stars in their prime.
But the truth is, that didn't even make you happy Nothing did.
You probably don't even like being a critic.
And secretly, you wanted to be a rock star, but you didn't have the balls and/or confidence to go for it.
And now you're living your whole life the exact same way Waiting for your dreams to come to you instead of going and getting them yourself.
Surrounded by the night - You had a lot of love left - You'd make a terrific critic.
- So much we all felt it inside - I need a muffin.
What goes missing in the sky She's just a kid.
She's a smart little fucker.
[SIGHS.]
[CHUCKLES.]
- [SIGHS.]
- Shadows will move on - Yeah.
- Without you moving them - What? - Moonlight will guide you - [SIGHS.]
- Back into your heart again No, I'm on my way.
I'm sorry, I got to go.
Ben got arrested.
- For what? - He didn't say.
I bet it's a DUI.
No.
Ben doesn't drink.
[SCOFFS.]
Yeah, right.
I think I would know if Ben was drinking.
He's my sponsor.
That's why I live with the guy.
Well, sponsee, I think you might want to open your eyes a little wider.
Are we not closing the door anymore? What the fuck? Idiot.
What are you doing? Last night, dancing slow in turning light With you caught in my eye Well, twist your ankle, leave my side Why would you go to Memphis for a wedding in New Orleans? Goodnight I'm tossing in the towel again Go laugh with all your friends LOUDERMILK: DUI and a hit-and-run? I'm surprised they let you out on bail, actually.
Why didn't you tell me you were having problems? I could've helped you.
Well, I tried to talk to you the other day at the diner, but you started picking a fight with the pie guy.
I didn't pick a fight with the pie guy.
I pointed out that moving down one seat didn't make him Mother Theresa.
Okay, well, I wanted to talk, but then I couldn't, so whatever.
Oh, okay, so it's my fault? That's good.
Okay.
Okay.
Why do you always do that? Why do you always make it a "you" thing? This is This is about me, Sam.
No one else.
I don't know, I think, uh, maybe I should just go far away for a while.
Definitely.
I'll call Action-House in the morning, - see if they have any beds.
- No, I can't I can't afford rehab right now.
I'll bet they'll cut us a deal.
No, I don't want to go to rehab, I just want to go away and clear my head.
You know, I was thinking I don't know, maybe some place hot, or, I don't know, New Orleans maybe.
Something like that.
New Orleans? Aren't they doing Mardi Gras right around now? Maybe.
I don't know, I'm not sure.
Well, I don't think they really do that anymore.
They don't make it a big deal since, you know, Katrina.
Oh, okay.
Yeah, no, no.
Sure, sure, sure, sure.
I just wanted to make sure you're not going for that.
What? Where did you get this? In the safe under your bed.
What the fuck were you doing in my safe?! What the fuck are you doing not telling me my ex-wife's getting married?! Well, look at you! Because I didn't want you to freak out! Why would you think I would freak out?! Huh?! And why did she even invite you? You hardly know her.
We're friends on Facebook.
What? Sin what? Since when? Since she started checking up on you like a year ago.
Wait a minute.
Mem Memphis checks up on me? Yeah, a lot.
She always want to make sure you're doing okay.
Why would you not tell me that, Ben? Well She told me not to, and I didn't want to betray that, you know? - She's my friend, so - Hey! Asshole! I'm your friend!! She's your friend's ex-wife! Friend Friend's ex-wife! Friend! Friend's ex-wife! Since when do you give a shit about Memphis so much? A minute ago, you were trying to fuck Allison.
You remember her? Well, maybe I'm trying to [WHISPERING.]
fuck Allison [NORMAL VOICE.]
so I can get over Memphis! Don't you know anything about love? TOM: Please listen to me, Cutter.
I have an important meeting and I [SNIFFS.]
What is that baby-powder smell? You shit yourself when I tased you, but I cleaned you up.
You're welcome.
Oh.
Oh, I'm sorry for not thanking you for making me shit myself! I had to do something to get you away from that temptation.
A few days out here will clear your head.
A few days? No, no, no.
[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY.]
You don't understand.
I have waited my whole career for this.
This is my big break.
No, this What happens right here, right now - This is your big break.
- [LAUGHS NERVOUSLY.]
[EXHALES.]
Besides, I took care of work.
What? I called Reardon at home and told him you were having a major meltdown.
Wh wh wh why? Why did you do that?! I also called your boss at the vodka company.
Are you crazy? I don't I don't work at the vodka company! Ah! That's why she seemed a little weirded out.
Fuck this shit! Hey! No! No, no! Hey, hey, hey, hey.
No, no.
Look! You're either gonna fall in line with the program or I'm going to cuff you to the toilet.
Your choice! One thing's for sure, I'm not gonna lose you like I lost Ollie.
You don't understand, man.
I'm not an alcoholic.
Stop it!! Stop it right now for your own good.
No, you stop it.
Listen, I've tried to explain this, okay? My asshole boss is the one who got the DUI, not me - [TASER VIBRATING.]
- [SCREAMING.]
Aah! Shh.
- Shh.
- Ahh! [SHUDDERING.]
- Shhh, shh, shh, shh.
- Gah! Ah! It's all going to be okay, baby-bird.
- It's all going to be okay.
- Aah!
Bullshit.
Nah, I'm not dying.
But I sorta missed ya.
So, guess what.
My dad's in town.
Yeah, I know.
I may have told him that you were at the church.
Why would you do that? You know he's one of my triggers.
LOUDERMILK: No.
No.
Come on! Not here! Sorry, but, someone's sleeping on the couch.
- Oh, yeah.
- Dad, please! I'd let you sleep on my couch, Loudermilk, but my couch is, like, three-feet long.
Okay.
Couch is good.
ALLISON: How's Ben doing? Uh, he's good.
You know, being Ben.
[CHUCKLES.]
Why? Look what I found hiding under the couch.
- That's not mine.
- Bullshit.
Who's is it then? Before we go any further I know you said, but you won't go into my bed You never cared what I was doin' Hey.
Hey! What time is it? Uhh 5:55.
A.
M.
or P.
M.
? P.
M.
Mm If you need love, then I'm yours But if you trip, I ain' wit you I ain't go no time I ain't got no time Uh, thanks for meeting me, man.
Sure.
Yeah, no problem.
What Everything okay? Yeah, yeah, oh, yeah.
I just had a, you know, couple things I want to [INHALES DEEPLY, EXHALES.]
talk about.
Excuse me, um Sir, would you mind just moving over a seat so we can sit together? Yeah, sure.
My good deed for the day.
[LAUGHTER.]
Really? Yeah? That's it? You you move over a seat to the right, and that's your good-deed quota for the day, so you're done now.
Well, no, I'll probably do something better.
- I - No, no, no, no, no.
You've done enough.
You're like, a diner Gandhi, really.
I mean, think If everybody followed your shining example, what a world it would be.
I mean, it'd be the same shit-hole it is now, but we'd all be sitting two feet to the right.
You know what? Fuck you.
So what was this big thing you want to talk about? Yeah, um, listen Lately, I've been, um [SNIFFS.]
Eh, you know what? It's not important.
[FRANZ FERDINAND'S "STAND ON THE HORIZON" PLAYS.]
The North Sea sings, "Won't you come to me, baby?" "Won't you come to me?" Yeah, what's up? DONNY: Question When's the last time you got laid? Answer Six minutes from now, unless you're into foreplay, then make it eight.
[LAUGHING.]
What are you talking about? I'm on my way over.
Got two frisky doves and I need a wingman pronto.
Nope.
No.
Not tonight.
I I got to finish these Voluptuous pitches.
My presentation is on Monday.
Uh, you're not hearing me.
These girls are primed and ready.
I got 'em both sitting on a roll of Brawny to keep my feet dry.
Geez.
Uh uh, ho hold on.
I I'm getting another call.
- Hello.
- CUTTER: Hey.
Just wanted to see how you were doing.
Big day today.
That step 8's a doozy, right? Certainly unexpected.
So everything cool? Yep, everything good.
I'm at home working on my computer.
I'm feeling strong, so So you want to do a midnight meeting? Nope.
No.
I'm on a deadline.
Like I said, lots of work to do.
Good work today on the healing, man.
I'm proud of you.
Thank you.
Hey, Donny? DONNY: Hey, hey, hey, hey! My brotha from anotha mothafucka! Kristy and, uh, uh, Jill [LAUGHS.]
this is Tom.
Hi.
Do you got some tequila? Ahhh! I'm all over it! [BOTH LAUGH.]
What are you doing? I'm getting us laid! What are you drinking? Sprite.
I'm working.
Let me put a lime in your drink so it looks like you're drinking something real.
Drunk chicks don't like to be around guys who aren't drinking.
They feel judged.
CUTTER: Mm.
Yeah, that's what you call working, huh, Tom? DONNY: Okay.
All right! Here's your gin-and-tonic, Tomassio.
A double, as requested, and as required by law in some parts of Texas.
Son of a bitch! [OUT-OF-TUNE GUITARS PLAYING.]
[MUSIC STOPS.]
Oh God, it's you.
I thought maybe David Gilmour was having a stroke.
You know those rolled-up balls of rage at the end of your arms? You could use those to knock on doors.
Who are you? Who am I? Who are you? This is Lizzy.
Carl's niece.
She's visiting for the weekend.
- Oh.
Where's Carl? - He's at the hospital.
That's classic Uncle Carl, huh? 'Cause he's never there for anybody.
Only his suffering patients.
Lizzy and I were having a jam sesh.
Lizzy, this is Loudermilk.
Wow.
What a horrible name.
Wow.
What a horrible kid.
Okay.
So, go on, Loudermilk.
How do we sound? Give us your professional "rock critic" opinion.
Uh Well Okay.
Over here, you got musicians who are good.
They sound good.
Here you got musicians who sound bad, and they're bad, but they, you know, they've got potential.
So we have potential.
Let me finish.
Over here you have some musicians that are just completely hopeless.
That's you guys.
He's just joking, honey.
What do I care? He thinks R.
E.
M.
's "Monster" album was an outrage.
"Noise" is what he called it.
I called it noise? You said it was clunky.
Well, yeah.
It is It is clunky.
Especially it's clunky if you compare it to the previous two albums, which are both masterpieces, right? You gonna explain the distortion to me? Which I get, for a song, but it's there for the whole damn album? And the lyrics are Hollywood as shit, 'cause it sounds like Stipe had just Hey, ho how do you know what I said about that? I read your book.
Uh What's your name? Lizzy.
Lizzy.
You read my book? Yes.
Do I have to repeat everything twice to you? Okay, well, uh, it looks like we have some practicing to do, so see ya.
All right, hey, listen.
Forget what I said earlier, okay? You you keep it up.
Uh, you know, when George Harrison was your age, he Actually, he was already a virtuoso guitarist.
Never mind.
And when John Lennon was your age, he was already dead.
Yeah Yeah.
All right.
You seem sad.
Did your girlfriend just dump you and you got fired or something? No.
No I'm not sad.
Seriously, hon? Nothing horrible happened? - Did your mom die? - No.
- Dad? - No! - Do you have cancer? - No.
No.
I-I [LAUGHING NERVOUSLY.]
I'm fine, okay? I I've just been working all night.
That's it.
This is me happy.
[LAUGHS SOFTLY.]
- You wanna fuck? - Oh.
Yeah.
O okay.
Um There's only one bedroom, though, and they're in it.
Hold this.
Nonstop Where you at, who you with, where you from We get it poppin' nonstop Oh.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
We get it poppin' nonstop Where you at, who you with, where you from [EXHALES DEEPLY.]
Let's go Hey This isn't what it looks like.
So you're not holding two drinks in your hand and getting a BJ? Okay, it's mostly what it looks like, - but I have not been drinking.
- Right.
Like you're gonna bang this coke-whore sober.
- Hey! - Hey, hey.
Wait, wait, wait.
Hey! Hey, wait, wait, wait! D did you just break my door down? Jesus.
This is pure petrol.
I hope you're cool having blood on your hands when this guy pulls a Buddy Holly and drowns in his own puke! You know, I'm just gonna go in the other room with my friends.
- You don't - We get it poppin' nonstop Where you at, who you with, where you from We get it poppin' [SCOFFS.]
Come on, Cutter! I have not had a drink! Stop the lies! Okay.
Oh yeah, go ahead.
You wanna breathalyze me? Go ahead.
[SQUEALING, HIGH-PITCHED.]
Hey, thanks for the lift.
I'll see you tonight.
[GRUNTS.]
I'm gonna come in with you.
- You're going to my meeting? - Yeah.
What are you, checking up on me? No, I mean, you know.
I know that your dad was just here, so that's a bit of a trigger.
Plus, I [INHALES DEEPLY, EXHALES.]
wanted to make sure I work, uh, you know, work on my sobriety muscles.
I don't want them to atrophy like my calves.
Look at these.
Look at these things.
These used to be something.
Now they're sticks.
Look.
What is that? Looks pretty good to me.
Eh, not what it used to be.
So, here's what's bugging me about these meetings.
I feel like none of you guys ever talks about the good part of drinking.
There is no good part of drinking.
It always ends badly.
Yeah, I know, dude, but it's not all bad Or else we wouldn't have done it in the first place.
Young blood's got a point.
MAN: I don't want to hear any more of this.
Who you working for, Seagram's? - Somebody else talk.
- LOUDERMILK: No, no.
I wan let's her Cisco out, okay? I think there might be something in this.
I don't know.
It just feels like, if we act like the good part of drinking completely doesn't exist, it's just, like, we're kind of Living in denial? Well, Cisco's right.
There are some good parts of drinking.
Name one.
Okay.
When you're having a few beers at the footy with your dad, and he turns around and he smiles.
He's had a hard life, you know, your dad.
But today Today's all good.
Okay, okay.
Well, that's one thing.
There's more.
10:00 in the morning on a Tuesday, and you open up that first beer, the sound it makes.
[IMITATES BEER TAB OPENING.]
STEVIE: [LAUGHS.]
I really miss having, uh, wine with my pasta.
Mmm.
Or eating 'shrooms and reading some Tolkien.
Waking up in the morning in a whorehouse.
There's beauty in that.
You know what I miss? Drunk driving.
- You don't miss that.
- I do.
Especially the, uh The early years.
High school.
When it wasn't about the booze.
It was about the freedom.
You know, it was so new.
Remember that 6:00 feeling? It's daylight out, and you're going out.
Anything is possible.
Yeah, you're like Jack Kerouac, attacking the night.
[LAUGHING SOFTLY.]
Yeah.
And you and your friends, you all have a six-pack of beer, you have a half a pint of blackberry brandy, the tunes are crankin', you're passing the bones around.
You d you don't know where you're going, but you know it's gonna be great.
LOUDERMILK: Okay.
Yeah, sure.
And And, we have to remember that Kerouac died at age 47, okay, when his stomach burst.
'Cause he was drinking all that whisky at 11:00 in the morning.
Where'd Ben go? [ELECTRIC GUEST'S "THIS HEAD I HOLD" PLAYS.]
They call me a little grown up See, I'm upset because I've always been stuck But I don't know what it is I'm without Guess I'm in love with [MUSIC STOPS.]
[TIRES SCREECHING.]
[GROANS.]
Oh, my God, are you okay?! Yeah, yeah, I'm good, uh, just a little shaken up.
Oh, geez, that was a close one, huh? - You're not kidding.
- Yeah.
[GRUNTS.]
Okay.
Whew.
[LAUGHS SOFTLY.]
All right.
Wow.
I am really sorry about that.
Boy, oh, boy.
You got everything? Okay.
You take it easy.
Here, look.
I'll tell you what.
Let me give you a [EXHALES SHARPLY.]
[SNIFFS.]
a little something for your trouble.
I-I think we should exchange information.
Hm? I I'd like to see your license? Proof of insurance? [LAUGHS.]
Are you serious? Sorry, but I have been burned before, sir.
If I don't have your information, then my insurance company - might not cover this.
- Cover what? I mean, y you know, you're fine.
Your bottles and cans are fine.
Can't we just say no harm, no foul? What about my vehicle? What vehicle? I mean, this is a - It's a shopping cart.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Ok okay, sir, I know we've both been through a great ordeal here, but I need you to keep the tone down.
Okay.
Tell you what.
How about, uh 40 bucks and we'll call it a day? There's no point discussing money until we've done a thorough walk-around and assessed the damage.
I don't remember seeing that dent there before.
What are you talking about? Look.
This thing's covered in rust.
The dent's probably been there for years.
[SNIFFS TWICE.]
Have you been drinking, sir? What? No.
No.
Of course not.
A hundred bucks.
I think we should call the police.
Let them sort this out.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You know what? Let's call the police.
We'll get them out here.
We'll we'll sort you out.
Let me just, uh Oh, rats.
You know what? I don't have my cellphone on me, so Oh, for fucks sake.
- Siri, call the police.
- No, Siri, don't.
- SIRI: Calling emergency services - Give me this.
- Hey.
- in five seconds.
Okay.
There.
Wow, that is a sticky phone.
Look, look, look.
I'm not trying to get rich here.
I just want my property repaired.
All right, well, you know what? This isn't your property.
- It belongs to Safeway, so - Oh, oh.
Again, sir tone.
All right, you know what? How about I give you a ride over to Whole Foods, we'll trade this model in.
We'll get you a fancy new cart.
What do you say? [LAUGHS.]
I'm not getting in a car with you.
You have been drinking.
Now, I'd like to see your papers.
Okay.
I'm just gonna go into my glove compartment and get them for you.
Hey! Hey! You! [GROANS.]
[SQUEAKS.]
What the fuck? [BREATHING HEAVILY.]
[GROANS.]
No, no, no.
[EXHALES SHARPLY.]
Hello? Help me! Please! [BREATHING HEAVILY.]
[GRUNTING.]
Oh, my God.
Somebody help me! [BREATHING SHALLOWLY.]
[GRUNTING.]
Hey, hey, pork-snout! You okay? You don't look so good.
- No, no, I'm great.
- Ha! Ha! That's the attitude.
I thought you were gonna be upset.
About what? I mean, look at me.
I've got trees and all this mist and That's what I'm talkin' about.
Let's go back inside.
We got some things to figure out.
[GRUNTS.]
[GROANS.]
Why the hell'd you do that? Son of a bi Aah! Aah! - CUTTER: Get in there.
- Ow.
Geez, wait! What's this? You been snooping through my stuff? No.
No, I was just looking for a pen.
Did you see a picture of the dead guy? No.
No, just pictures of living people.
Don't lie to me! That's your disease talking.
[SCOFFS.]
Okay, maybe I saw that.
- Is that Ollie? - No.
The guy in the picture is me.
Mm-hmm.
But your throat is completely cut open.
Special-effects makeup.
I was undercover in a biker gang for a couple years.
When it came time for me to get out, I had to fake my death.
- It looks real.
- Thanks.
I did my own makeup.
Um [CLEARS THROAT.]
So Why did you handcuff me in a trailer against my will? I didn't want you to wake up half-cocked and run out there into the jungle.
You get lost out there, you die.
Who's that guy back there? That guy is my mom.
Mom, wake up! We got company.
Are you sure she's okay? Oh, yeah.
She's one of those real deep REM sleepers.
[BANGING.]
Ma! Come on, wake up! Ow! What the fuck? Oh, yeah.
You banged your head pretty good when I zapped ya.
I had to sew you up to stop the bleeding.
Is this dental floss? Mint flavor.
Acts like a natural antiseptic.
Don't worry, wasn't used.
Um Cutter, I don't know how to say this, but your mom is dead.
Hey, would you stop it? I told you she's a deep sleeper.
Why isn't she breathing? - Aah! - [GROANS.]
What the fuck?! Ohh, I'm so sorry! Why'd you sucker punch my mom? I-I'm sorry, I-I didn't mean to! She snuck up on me, she scared the crap out of me! - [COUGHING.]
- Easy, easy.
I'm so sorry, ma'am.
Ma'am, I would I would never - [COUGHING CONTINUES.]
- Okay.
Easy.
- [WHEEZES.]
- I got you.
I got you.
- [GROANING.]
- Are you okay, mama? I I think he cracked my damn rib.
[COUGHING, GROANING.]
You gotta get control of your demons, man! Hitting a woman? What happened to that dental floss I was drying out on the antlers? Hmm.
Maybe it was used.
many of them LIZZY: I have a question.
Shoot.
What's the point of critics? [CHUCKLES.]
All that turning on Well, the point of critics is that in the pure diarrhea that is pop culture, you need somebody who's gonna be able to find and curate the hidden gems.
And that's my job.
Well, that was my job.
I got to figure out and understand what that artist is trying to do and then inform others.
Of your opinion.
- Well - So many things Yeah.
I I don't understand how that's a career.
The true value of art lies in the artist, - not the guy who judges them.
- [SCOFFS.]
Your whole job is superfluous, and it's based on your own interpretation.
It's a little more complicated than that, though.
- It doesn't sound that complicated to me.
- Really? Here, let me critique you.
I'll show you how easy it is.
Oh, yeah.
Go for it.
You think you're so cool because you got to hang out with rock stars in their prime.
But the truth is, that didn't even make you happy Nothing did.
You probably don't even like being a critic.
And secretly, you wanted to be a rock star, but you didn't have the balls and/or confidence to go for it.
And now you're living your whole life the exact same way Waiting for your dreams to come to you instead of going and getting them yourself.
Surrounded by the night - You had a lot of love left - You'd make a terrific critic.
- So much we all felt it inside - I need a muffin.
What goes missing in the sky She's just a kid.
She's a smart little fucker.
[SIGHS.]
[CHUCKLES.]
- [SIGHS.]
- Shadows will move on - Yeah.
- Without you moving them - What? - Moonlight will guide you - [SIGHS.]
- Back into your heart again No, I'm on my way.
I'm sorry, I got to go.
Ben got arrested.
- For what? - He didn't say.
I bet it's a DUI.
No.
Ben doesn't drink.
[SCOFFS.]
Yeah, right.
I think I would know if Ben was drinking.
He's my sponsor.
That's why I live with the guy.
Well, sponsee, I think you might want to open your eyes a little wider.
Are we not closing the door anymore? What the fuck? Idiot.
What are you doing? Last night, dancing slow in turning light With you caught in my eye Well, twist your ankle, leave my side Why would you go to Memphis for a wedding in New Orleans? Goodnight I'm tossing in the towel again Go laugh with all your friends LOUDERMILK: DUI and a hit-and-run? I'm surprised they let you out on bail, actually.
Why didn't you tell me you were having problems? I could've helped you.
Well, I tried to talk to you the other day at the diner, but you started picking a fight with the pie guy.
I didn't pick a fight with the pie guy.
I pointed out that moving down one seat didn't make him Mother Theresa.
Okay, well, I wanted to talk, but then I couldn't, so whatever.
Oh, okay, so it's my fault? That's good.
Okay.
Okay.
Why do you always do that? Why do you always make it a "you" thing? This is This is about me, Sam.
No one else.
I don't know, I think, uh, maybe I should just go far away for a while.
Definitely.
I'll call Action-House in the morning, - see if they have any beds.
- No, I can't I can't afford rehab right now.
I'll bet they'll cut us a deal.
No, I don't want to go to rehab, I just want to go away and clear my head.
You know, I was thinking I don't know, maybe some place hot, or, I don't know, New Orleans maybe.
Something like that.
New Orleans? Aren't they doing Mardi Gras right around now? Maybe.
I don't know, I'm not sure.
Well, I don't think they really do that anymore.
They don't make it a big deal since, you know, Katrina.
Oh, okay.
Yeah, no, no.
Sure, sure, sure, sure.
I just wanted to make sure you're not going for that.
What? Where did you get this? In the safe under your bed.
What the fuck were you doing in my safe?! What the fuck are you doing not telling me my ex-wife's getting married?! Well, look at you! Because I didn't want you to freak out! Why would you think I would freak out?! Huh?! And why did she even invite you? You hardly know her.
We're friends on Facebook.
What? Sin what? Since when? Since she started checking up on you like a year ago.
Wait a minute.
Mem Memphis checks up on me? Yeah, a lot.
She always want to make sure you're doing okay.
Why would you not tell me that, Ben? Well She told me not to, and I didn't want to betray that, you know? - She's my friend, so - Hey! Asshole! I'm your friend!! She's your friend's ex-wife! Friend Friend's ex-wife! Friend! Friend's ex-wife! Since when do you give a shit about Memphis so much? A minute ago, you were trying to fuck Allison.
You remember her? Well, maybe I'm trying to [WHISPERING.]
fuck Allison [NORMAL VOICE.]
so I can get over Memphis! Don't you know anything about love? TOM: Please listen to me, Cutter.
I have an important meeting and I [SNIFFS.]
What is that baby-powder smell? You shit yourself when I tased you, but I cleaned you up.
You're welcome.
Oh.
Oh, I'm sorry for not thanking you for making me shit myself! I had to do something to get you away from that temptation.
A few days out here will clear your head.
A few days? No, no, no.
[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY.]
You don't understand.
I have waited my whole career for this.
This is my big break.
No, this What happens right here, right now - This is your big break.
- [LAUGHS NERVOUSLY.]
[EXHALES.]
Besides, I took care of work.
What? I called Reardon at home and told him you were having a major meltdown.
Wh wh wh why? Why did you do that?! I also called your boss at the vodka company.
Are you crazy? I don't I don't work at the vodka company! Ah! That's why she seemed a little weirded out.
Fuck this shit! Hey! No! No, no! Hey, hey, hey, hey.
No, no.
Look! You're either gonna fall in line with the program or I'm going to cuff you to the toilet.
Your choice! One thing's for sure, I'm not gonna lose you like I lost Ollie.
You don't understand, man.
I'm not an alcoholic.
Stop it!! Stop it right now for your own good.
No, you stop it.
Listen, I've tried to explain this, okay? My asshole boss is the one who got the DUI, not me - [TASER VIBRATING.]
- [SCREAMING.]
Aah! Shh.
- Shh.
- Ahh! [SHUDDERING.]
- Shhh, shh, shh, shh.
- Gah! Ah! It's all going to be okay, baby-bird.
- It's all going to be okay.
- Aah!