Love (2016) s01e08 Episode Script

1 [alarm ringing.]
[groans.]
[sighs.]
- Hey, morning.
- [grunts.]
- You hungry? - Hmm? [sniffling.]
You hungry? You wanna get breakfast? No, I can't [grunts.]
I got work.
[sighs.]
Okay.
Well, I think I'm just gonna go home, then.
'Cause, um [smacks lips.]
I got work, too, so I should just go get ready.
Okay.
[clothing rustling.]
Hey, just a reminder, my friends and I are doing that, like, movie theme party thing tonight, if you wanna come my place or [groans.]
Sounds stupid.
Okay.
[door closing.]
[theme music playing.]
- Oh.
- Oh, hey! Hey, Heidi.
Hi, Walt.
You leavin' already? Yeah, Arya's all done, so I get to go home.
[Walt.]
Well, you're lucky.
[smacks lips.]
Well, I'm bummed my new favorite acting coach is leaving.
- [smacks lips.]
Aw.
What? - [Heidi chuckles.]
"New acting coach"? No.
- Come on.
[chuckles.]
- [Heidi.]
No.
It's true.
Thank you for the other day.
I put myself out there, and now I'm getting more scenes.
- Hey, that was all you, seriously.
- [chuckles.]
- Congratulations.
It's cool.
- You're up, Walt.
Oh, shit.
They're calling me in, guys, sorry.
- Okay.
- [Walt.]
Wish me luck.
- Good luck.
- Here I come! - [sniffs.]
Well - [softly.]
Yeah.
Uh, do you gotta get in there too? - Oh, no, I'm not I'm not in that scene.
- Oh, okay.
I'll let you get going to whatever you gotta go do.
[stutters.]
Are you busy? Oh, no.
Why? Uh, what's up? Well, is there a teeny-tiny chance maybe you could run some lines with me? Oh, uh yeah, sure.
[Shaun.]
Oh, and can you not put lotion on my legs? I just don't like the way it feels.
Thanks.
[woman.]
Ticklish? No, I'm not ticklish, I just don't like it.
Thank you.
[sighing.]
He still hasn't texted.
- Who? - Gus.
Gus, that little bassist? We went on a date last night to a magic show.
It was fun, but I think I might have fucked it up.
- What happened? - I don't know.
I was rude without meaning to be.
He's so sweet.
If he's sweet, then what are you worried about? I'm not worried.
I just thought that was the benefit of having sex with a nice guy, is he was nice to you.
I mean, when I had had sex with that asshole from Top Chef I didn't expect a call, but I didn't expect mind games from Gus.
[Gus hoarsely.]
"Do not resist us.
You have evil inside you.
" The only evil force in here is you.
"Stand back! The ancient incantation cometh.
" [chanting in broken Latin.]
Man-Wolf, I summon thee! [imitates growling.]
[crying.]
Release me! And that's it.
- Wow, that's amazing.
- [chuckles.]
You can just work up tears like that, huh? - Oh, yeah, thank you.
- That's very impressive.
Hey, uh, your elderly priest was not so bad.
- Oh! Thank you.
- [chuckles.]
Yeah, I went to Catholic school so I was really just, uh, channeling [in Irish accent.]
a Father Jerry there.
[both laughing.]
Oh, you're so funny, Gus.
- Oh, thank you.
- No, you are.
Okay, well, you break a leg.
- I'm sure you'll do great.
- Thank you.
What are doing tonight? Doing anything fun? Oh, yeah, I'm just having some friends come over.
- Oh, cool.
- We do this thing where we we get together and we write theme songs for movies that don't have one.
[laughs.]
That is too funny.
Thanks, yeah, no, we Yeah, we have fun.
It sounds like something me and my friends in Toronto would do.
Mmm-hmm.
Uh, what about you? What are you up to tonight? - Um, I got some stuff on the DVR.
- Mmm-hmm.
[stuttering.]
So I'm gonna do that.
I don't know, is it just me, or is it kind of lonely here? [chuckles nervously.]
I think I just miss my friends, probably.
Well, you can come to the thing tonight - if you want to, or - Oh, I didn't mean to invite myself.
Oh, my God! [laughs.]
I'm so sorry.
- No.
No, no, you didn't.
- I didn't meant to do that.
That was just, uh No, it's totally cool.
Are you sure? Definitely, yeah.
Okay, cool.
I'll stop by after I'm done here.
- All right.
- And if you need a vocalist, um I did, uh, Singing with the Stars.
What's that? It's like The Voice but for Canada.
Oh, that's cool.
How'd you do? I came in ninth Yeah [laughs.]
I'm kidding! Yeah.
Hey.
- [chuckles.]
No, don't clap for that.
No.
- It's good.
No, with a voice like that, you should come in first.
[laughs.]
I, um I should have, yeah.
- Yeah.
- I should have.
- Okay.
Great.
All right.
- Okay.
Have a good one.
You, too.
All right, bye.
Yo, Gus.
Gus, Gus, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo.
- Hey! What's up? - Dude, dude, dude.
What are you doing coming out of Heidi's trailer? Nothing, we were just, like, running lines and stuff.
Dude, you're on a fucking roll right now.
Didn't you just bang a crazy blonde chick? [stuttering.]
No.
Me and I mean, I banged Mickey, yeah.
But, Heidi, no.
We were just, like, running lines in there.
Nothing's going on between us.
Just be careful, man.
You can't go around fucking the girls on the show.
That's a full-time Cosby move.
[stuttering.]
What? No, but, that's different.
Like, he was in a position of power.
I'm, like, the least powerful person here.
If anything, she's like Cosby-ing me or something, you know.
Listen, you don't even have to explain it to me.
I want to fuck all the girls on the set.
All of 'em.
And their moms.
- Oh.
- But I can't, Gus.
I can't do it because I'm a professional.
Kevin, if I can be honest, I feel a little judged by you right now.
I feel like you're, like, monitoring me, and, like casting aspersions when there should be no aspersions cast.
- Listen, I'm just saying - I understand where you're coming from.
If something was going on between Heidi and I, yes, I would It's good advice, okay? It's good advice.
I know it's good advice, man.
I'm like that black guy in every movie that comes on and gives his white friend perfect advice.
- Hmm.
- But for some reason, every time I go out for those roles, man, I never get 'em.
Well, that's okay.
I hate it when that happens in movies anyway.
Do you, really? That's my favorite part.
- Really? That's my least favorite part.
- You've Got Mail? Dave Chappelle was great in You've Got Mail.
That's true.
He did hit the high watermark of dependable black friends.
But you'd be great, man.
- I know I would be great, man.
- Yeah.
That's actually why I came out here.
To be great.
Not hand out sandwiches, man.
I wonder if you can get breast cancer from these.
If it'll just start.
He mentioned this sing-along thing he's doing tonight.
- Who? - Gus.
Oh, we're still on this? You know what? Fuck it.
I'm just gonna show up.
I'll go late.
Everybody'll leave, I'll sleep over and it'll all be good.
You're just gonna, like, crash his party? I'm not crashing.
He invited me twice.
Hey, you're gonna clean those before you use them again, right? - They're clean.
- That's bullshit! I've been sitting here this whole time.
They're not clean.
It's steel.
They self-clean.
You used dirty tools to give me a manicure? I could get gangrene from you! I could lose a hand! [clicks tongue.]
Really? You're all good? Yeah, I'm just having a low blood sugar moment.
[Gus and friends singing.]
Stay out of Carlito's Way He's gonna go far-Lito's Way! He's a superstar-Lito's Way [man.]
Come on! Ain't life bizarre-Lito's Way! [all laughing and vocalizing.]
Can we do a ballad next time? I feel like my voice sounds really good when we do ballads.
[all.]
Of course.
Yeah.
Also, could I have When I sing ballads, my voice sounds good like that, too.
- [Gus.]
Okay.
- Get your own thing, Ruby.
Ballads are my thing.
Hey, man, did you give this Heidi girl the heads-up about tonight? Like, what? What do you mean? I mean, this sort of party isn't everybody's thing.
I invited a girl to one of these and we broke up after.
I also threw up in her car on the car ride home.
That was part of it.
Our music nights can be a lot to take in, man.
That's fine.
I gave her a heads-up.
She knows, like, this isn't, like the hottest ticket in town.
So, it's fine.
Where did you get that toaster? Oh, it came with, uh, the Springwood.
- It did? - Yeah.
Yeah, you probably have one, too.
No, I didn't get one.
Your apartment came with a toaster? - Yeah.
- I had to go on fucking Amazon.
This is fascinating.
Yeah, you got ripped off.
- Hey! - Hey! [chuckles.]
- How's it goin'? - Good.
How are you? [chuckles.]
[stammers.]
Good to see you.
Yeah, you too.
I brought some snacks.
- Thank you.
Nice of you.
- Okay.
Hi, guys, I'm Heidi.
[chuckles.]
Thanks for letting me crash this party.
- [all greeting.]
- [Heidi.]
Yeah.
Hey.
[Gus.]
Yeah, everybody, this is Heidi.
Heidi, uh, that's Kyle, we got Dean, Randy, Cori Ah, you know, everybody.
You roll deep! I love it.
[chuckles.]
Aw, yeah.
Gus told me about, uh, your singing-theme-song party.
Oh, my God, I'm, like I flipped out.
- So excited to be here.
So excited.
- [Gus.]
Yeah.
So, what movie are we doing tonight? Oh, uh, tonight, we're tackling, uh, Carlito's Way.
- Okay.
- Tonight.
Yeah.
Starring, uh, you might know him as Albert Pacino.
- [laughs.]
- Oh, and guys, we're in luck, because this one over here has a beautiful voice.
- Oh, stop.
[chuckles.]
- No It's true.
I know.
I know that you do.
I know you were on the Canadian Singing for the Stars, and you beat Bethany LeFleur, so Oh, my gosh, thank you so much.
That's so sweet.
I didn't know that they aired that here.
No, they didn't.
I was I was in Canada with my cousin.
We had poutine and we watched the whole series - [Heidi chuckles.]
- and I gained, like, five pounds.
So you work with Gus on Witchita? - Yeah.
Mmm-hmm.
- Yeah, Heidi's an actress on the show.
- Oh.
- Ooh.
You got any hot gossip? Yeah, Gus never tells us anything.
Oh, what's the guy who plays the mayor like? I feel like he's, like, a dick in real life.
He's just has, like, a dick vibe.
Well, all I can say is that the cast, like, when we're all on the set together, it's like one big family.
Um, and the guy that plays the mayor is a huge perv.
[Beth.]
Mmm, I knew it! [Gus.]
Yep.
[all laughing.]
[sighs.]
Stay out of Carlito's Way [laughs.]
Pacino's on par [all.]
Lito's Way He left the door ajar [all.]
Lito's Way! Playing that guitar-Lito's Way! - [all hooting and cheering.]
- [laughing.]
Ooh, baby.
- That was awesome! - Awesome.
Hey, hey, you guys, does anybody want Thai food? Doesn't that sound really good right now? - Like, some Pad See Ew or something.
- [all agreeing.]
Okay, cool! I'll just get, like, a bunch of stuff for everybody.
It's my treat.
- Oh, no, Heidi you don't have to do that.
- No, I want to.
It's okay.
[Cori.]
Gus, let her! Uh, can you get us some shaking beef? Yeah, sure, sweetie.
- She's so nice.
Isn't she nice? - Yeah.
Yeah, Canadians are the best.
It's because of their health care system.
Yeah, for real.
Like, it relieves so much stress, that they can just focus on being pleasant all the time.
It's either Carlito's Way Or the Carlito's highway It's either Carlito's Way Or the Carlito's highway [man.]
Highway [all.]
It's either Carlito's Way Or the Carlito's highway [Heidi.]
Highway, highway It's either Carlito's Way Hey Or the Carlito's Highway, yeah - Oh - Hey! Hey, Mickey! - [Mickey.]
Hey.
- You showed up.
Yeah, well, you invited me.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Um Hey, everybody, this is, uh, my friend, Mickey! And Mickey, this is, uh, Chris, and Kyle, and yeah, everybody.
Uh, I hope it's okay that I came.
Of course! Yes.
Yeah.
You wanna You want something to drink, or, uh, you want a snack, or something to drink? Or, I said that twice.
Uh, you want two drinks? [chuckles.]
- I'll take a water.
- Okay, cool.
Guys, I'm, like, loving these lyrics, but I feel like it's missing harmony.
So, uh, how you doing? Good.
What's the deal? I didn't hear from you all day? Yeah, I'm sorry about that.
I I wasn't, uh I hope you don't mind that I didn't text you or call you or anything.
Whatever.
I mean, I'm sorry if at the Magic Castle I was a little Oh, no, no.
I mean, that's not why I didn't text you or anything.
I just figured, you know, we saw each other this morning, and I kind of figured that was like our daily contact thing.
[chuckles.]
Whatever.
It's not your job to text me.
- No, yeah, right.
- Uh You're sure it's not weird that I'm here? Yeah yeah, I'm glad you're here.
Hey, you look really cute.
Thank you.
You, too.
I mean, obviously, you're, like, so pretty.
[inhales sharply.]
Come on, Gus, we need more rhymes! Oh, okay.
Well I should probably get in there.
Um, wanna come? Um, gonna drink my water.
I'll be there in a minute.
Let's have fun, okay? - [mouthing.]
Yeah.
- Okay.
What comes next, Mom? Take the fork and put it along the pastry, just so.
- As if a crow - [cell phone chimes.]
were dancing along the crust.
Oh, Mom, sorry.
Something's come up with Mickey and I have to say goodbye.
Is everything okay? Definitely.
Talk to you later? All right, sweetie.
Anytime, darling.
- Okay, miss you, love you.
- Miss you Bye.
Bye.
- Turn the stove off.
- All right.
So, do you both edit reality TV shows? Yeah, that's right.
Kyle gave me my first job.
Oh, cool.
So, do you, like, hate it or No, if you're an editor, reality TV is, like, so fun.
Like, all those shows come together in editing, so we're basically treated like gods.
This is, like, their favorite thing to talk about.
- How reality TV is fake.
- [chuckles.]
No, we can, like, make things happen that didn't actually happen in real life.
Wait a minute.
No way! Is that true? Yeah, I mean, we kind of do it all the time.
[chuckles.]
[chuckles.]
That's so funny! So, you're like, literally God.
[Wade.]
Well [Kyle.]
Uh-huh.
Like, if someone said, "I love my mom and I hate Osama Bin Laden," I could edit them to say, "I love Osama Bin Laden.
" Oh, my! That's terrible.
[chuckles.]
Or, "I hate my mom," which isn't exactly a lie in my case.
Sometimes I want to put a pillow over her head and end her.
[chuckles.]
Mickey.
[nervous chuckling.]
Okay, so, like, what rhymes What's another word that rhymes with, like, Carlito's Way? What about "Scar-lito's Way"? Yeah, that's good.
It can be like, uh "Al Pacino once played a character whose face had a Scar-lito's Way.
" - [all chuckling.]
- [Gus.]
Uh, any others? What about "Fnar-lito's Way"? What's a fnar? I don't know, it just rhymes, right? Oh Yeah, but, like, usually, we like to do it, like It's like a word that exists that rhymes.
We like to use real words.
But it it might work.
Like Fnar-lito's Way! Wow.
That's a trained voice.
You're not just born with that.
[Heidi laughing.]
Thank you.
I went to, um, musical theater camp in Ottawa, and it, honestly, changed my life.
- Cool.
- [Heidi chuckles.]
Yeah.
Okay, so, "Fnar-lito's Way.
" That could work.
Yeah, let's, uh, work with that.
So, um I'm sorry, what is this, exactly? Oh, well, we, like, write theme songs for, like, the closing credits of movies, for movies that don't have closing credit theme songs, I guess.
- [all chuckling.]
- But what's the point? - Uh, I don't know, just for fun.
- Yeah, it's just for fun.
- Enjoy ourselves? - We just like having a good time, I guess.
It's for so much fun.
- You guys are hilarious.
- [all chuckling.]
We might try to put 'em up on, uh, funnyordie.
com one day.
Oh, my God! Funny or Die is so funny! Have you seen The Landlord? - [all agreeing.]
- So funny, right? [chuckles.]
So, it's like bad songs about bad movies? No, no, it's The songs aren't bad.
It's more like okay songs for movies that aren't anything.
It's not like we're trying to make fun of bad movies.
It's not, like, one of those things.
It's just like we try to write good songs about any kind of movie.
Something usually cool comes out of it if everybody just, kinda works together and comes up with something, I don't know No, I don't mean to [sighs.]
I'm sorry, I don't mean to be contrarian or difficult, or I'll just shut up now.
No [BBQ sizzling.]
Uh, excuse me, sorry Okay.
Uh, excuse me, sorry.
Hi, um, do you know where E-2200s are? I'm looking for Gus Cruikshank.
Uh, I don't know, but there should be a directory in the main building.
So how do you know Gus? Oh, um, from Witchita.
I'm an actress on the show.
An actress.
Yeah, I had a feeling.
You got a real star quality.
Oh, thank you! I've been acting since I was, like, four, so I just moved here, um, a few months ago from Canada.
- Oh, wow.
Big change.
- Yeah, yeah.
I mean, you know it's not the friendliest city in the world.
[chuckles nervously.]
As I'm sure you know, but, you know, I bet it's gonna get better.
Mmm, it doesn't always.
People have a really hard time dealing with it.
Sitting in traffic all the time, being lonely and lost.
Car becomes your best friend.
Oh, wow.
[exhales heavily.]
[sighs.]
[flushing.]
[chuckles.]
[scoffs.]
[imitating Heidi.]
I've been acting since I was four.
[in normal voice.]
God.
Hey.
- Hey.
- Great party.
- Heidi seems especially great.
- Yeah, I don't know.
She, um She sort of glommed on to the party.
Honestly, I didn't really expect her to [inhales sharply.]
come.
She just kind of dropped in, so [clicks tongue.]
She's so beautiful.
I guess.
Yeah, I mean, she's pretty.
I think as an actress, it's kind of [inhales sharply.]
tough for her.
I think there's a lot of girls who kind of look like her.
So it's sort of hard to stand out in the crowd, and Hmm.
all that, you know.
Okay, all right.
What? What? There's people out there, and I'm just like if somebody came in, I'd feel weird.
I just feel weird.
You're being so weird right now! [stutters.]
You're being weird.
What? What did I do? [stutters.]
You I don't know, I ask you to come to this, you say no and then you just like, show up out of nowhere.
It's like, crazy.
Whatever.
I'm gonna go smoke.
[sighs.]
[groans.]
Are you leaving? Um, going out to grab a smoke.
Come back soon.
You're a natural percussionist.
Oh, thanks.
- Would you be naked? - But that's a weird thing.
[indistinct chatter.]
- [Bertie.]
Hi.
- How's it going? - Hi.
- Oh, hi, hello.
- Hey! - Hi, Gus.
Bertie, what's up? Is Mickey here? No, you didn't see her outside? No.
[Randy.]
Hey, I know you.
You ran a focus group that I was in.
Oh, my gosh! Yes! You made that very astute observation about the deli meat.
It's gross.
- Later, buddy.
I'll see you tomorrow.
- See you, dude.
[chuckles.]
Oh, and nobody ate these, so I'm just gonna bring 'em back.
Okay.
Yeah.
Is this oak? I think mine's balsa wood.
- Later! - Bye! Bye.
It's Bertie.
B-E-R-T-I-E.
- [Randy.]
Oh.
Bertie - Bye, Gus! - Bye.
Bye.
- See ya, Gus! Best party ever, man.
Love you.
Love you, too.
[engine starting.]
- I'm gonna take off.
- Oh, Heidi.
You're still here? I assumed you had slipped out.
Oh, yeah, I was just in the in the bedroom getting my purse.
I, like, lost track of time - Oh, okay.
Yeah.
- in there.
[chuckles.]
Do you need, um, help cleaning up? No, no, no, it's okay.
Actually, the, uh, Springwood provides a housekeeper once a week, so - Oh, fancy.
[chuckles.]
- Yes.
It's very fancy.
In fact, they have a business center with, uh, two computers.
- Oh, my God.
- If you can believe it.
Yeah.
- I - [both laughing.]
Thank you so much for inviting me.
It was so good to meet new people.
Oh, of course.
Yeah, I feel like everybody really, uh uh, liked you.
[chuckles.]
- I'm a witch.
This is witch sex.
- [grunts.]
Sure.
Gonna put a spell on your dick! Uh-huh? Can you feel that spell? You got that magic wand up in me, motherfucker.
[both moaning.]
Is that what you wanted? Uh-huh? That's what you wanted! [loud moaning.]
[country music playing.]