Lucky Louie s01e08 Episode Script

hey, what'd you wanna come here for? - i've never been to this place.
- i come here sometimes.
- they give me free pizza.
- they do? why? i make believe i'm retarded.
they give me a slice.
watch.
good day.
hello.
are you my friend? oh, it's so nice to see you.
- here you go, pal.
- thank you.
you are nice persons.
that's disgusting.
i know.
fucking people.
give a guy a free slice just 'cause he's retarded.
elitist assholes.
like a slice of pizza is gonna make my miserable retarded life any better.
makes me sick! i can get a free slice without going through all that.
hey, give me a slice.
$1.
50.
that's impressive.
okay, guys, watch this.
hi, can i have a slice, please? thank you very much.
see, that's how normal people get their pizza.
"lucky louie" was taped before a live audience.
this is great spaghetti, tina.
oh, thanks, poops.
yeah, this would be great even if i wasn't stoned.
the kids have been watching tv for a while.
- is it okay if we turn it off? - why? so they can play together.
nah.
mom, where did you put my fucking flip-flops? check the living room, shannon.
why would they be in there? ugh.
what's going on with her? she's moving in with her boyfriend today.
how are you doing, carl? good guy.
wait.
tina, you're letting shannon move in with this guy? isn't she only 16? yeah, but didn't shannon tell you? she knows everything and i'm a damn old whore.
but it's okay.
she's got a great plan for her future.
shannon, tell kim and louie what you're gonna do now.
oh, i'm gonna make jewelry and carl's gonna rep me.
see, she's got it all worked out.
fuck you, mom! well, there's something i haven't heard in 10 minutes.
jesus, your first husband must have been shooting demon splooge when you made her.
tell me about it.
mike, you want shannon going off with this guy? eh, tina is raising that one.
she's doing a great job.
- well, she could use a little help.
- hmm.
kim, look, mike is a dominant male and he's the stepfather so any kid he didn't sire is a threat to his loin fruit.
actually, mike's first instinct is to kill shannon and then eat her.
yeah, that's about right.
tina can't do anything 'cause she needs mike's protection or other males will urinate on her head.
so this is it.
i am nevercoming back.
never! you're the worst mother in the world.
- i hate you! - okay, then.
bye-bye, mike.
- mwah! - ah.
goodbye, darling.
hey, here's a couple of bucks, huh? make me a necklace or something.
okay, mike.
ahem.
come on, baby.
tina, are you okay? - yeah.
i don't care.
- you seem to care.
- no, i'm just a little drunk.
- eh, come on.
she'll be back.
tina, i really think you should sit shannon down and have a talk.
kimmie, she's a teenager.
she's not a person.
it's like telling a kodiak bear to stop fucking older men.
she's just trying to help.
hey, when your lucy is a teenager, you can try your crazy theories out on her.
yeah, that'll be fun to watch.
thanks a lot.
- shannon? - hi, kim.
how are you? good, how are you doing? oh my god, great! i am so glad that i ran into you.
will you please tell lucy that i say hi? it has been, like, so long since i babysat for you guys.
yeah.
- who's all that gin for? - oh, carl.
he loves gin.
your i.
d.
says you're 16.
oh my god, i'm so sorry, wrong i.
d.
there you go.
so what is going on? nothing, uh so how is it going at carl's? oh my god, awesome.
we just sit ound all day and we watch tv, and his mom is really nice.
are you on the pill? - what? no.
- you need to be on the pill.
carl says it will make me fat.
these are on me.
wow.
thanks, kim.
yeah, just put those things on his thing when you do the thing.
okay.
okay, lucy is down.
what's that? my high-school yearbook.
why'd you get that out? i don't know.
today i saw shannon at the liquor store buying generic gin for her skeevy old boyfriend, and it brought back memories.
yeah, but you- you weren't like shannon.
she's, you know, fucked up.
so was i.
look at this.
oh my god, is that you? i know.
can you believe i thought it was cool to wear a bowler hat? jesus, you were hot! fuck! okay, do you know how gross you are? you're looking at a picture of a high-school junior and getting a boner.
yeah, but- this is you.
i- i married her.
and with that hat on you look like a dirty jazz whore.
jeez, i wish i had been around back then.
well, i had very low self-esteem, - so i probably would have fucked you.
- oh, man.
anyway, i just hate to see shannon make the same mistakes me and tina.
what mistakes? you were- you were one of the bad chicks.
you got high and you cut class and you fucked older men.
it's- it's really quite awesome.
okay, i'm going to bed, 'cause you're gross.
kim, louie, hello? shannon, what is going on? carl kicked me out.
okay, tell me what happened.
we got in a fight and he said he was going back to his wife.
- he's married? - i'm sorry i came here so late.
- kim, i just didn't know what to do.
- no, it's fine.
let me just get your mom on the phone.
why would i want to talk to her? louie, can you please get tina on the phone? i'm gonna get you some water.
- hello? - hey, tina, it's louie.
uh, sorry to call so late, but carl kicked shannon out - and she's here now.
- oh, that's terrible.
- yeah, so can you come pick her up? - no.
what?! i'm sorry she's bothering you guys, but she knows the deal.
- what's going on? - i don't know.
tina, come and get shannon.
look, i told her, "if you move out, you don't come back.
" tina, you're being really unreasonable.
oh, phooey, this is just a little tough love.
this is not tough love.
this is tough shit.
now i think you're splitting hairs, sweetie.
all right, shannon, you're gonna stay here tonight.
- i'll get you some blankets.
- kim, that is so nice of you.
yeah, that's real nice of you, honey.
where do you wanna put her? there's no room.
she'll sleep on the floor in the kitchen.
who cares? - it's very crowded.
- so what? well, i need some alone time.
oh, i see.
you want me to kick a homeless girl out in the street so you can masturbate to my high-school yearbook picture.
yes! hey, what time is it? it's 6:15.
how long have you been up? 10 seconds.
good, i'll get us some breakfast.
good morning, papa.
good morning, uncle jerry.
just get some food and get out, okay, jerry? good morning, shannon.
oh.
hi, lucy.
shannon, you can go sleep in our bed if you want.
aw, thanks, kim.
thanks again for letting me stay last night.
it's no problem.
you can stay here as long as you want.
lucy, babe, i'll see you later, okay? - okay.
- okay.
bye, mama.
bye.
see you later, everybody.
hey hey.
"stay as long as you want"? well, she's gotta stay here until we figure something else out.
- for how long? - until she finds a place to live that doesn't require her being some guy's cum bucket.
what's wrong with that? you're my cum bucket.
yes, but that's not the only thing i do, i am also a nurse.
excuse me.
- hi.
- hmm.
oh, this is kim here? she looks cool.
- yeah.
- papa, i wanna go to the playground.
- after breakfast.
- no, i don't wanna eat breafkast.
well, i don't wanna go to the playground.
hey, why don't i take lucy to the playground? - really? - yeah! i wanna go with shannon, and no breafkast, and no papa! hey, that hurts my feelings, but okay.
- yay! - okay, see you guys later.
- okay, bye.
- okay.
- see you.
- come on, lucy.
- okay.
bye, papa.
- okay, bye.
bye bye bye bye bye.
- jerry, you get out too.
- i don't wanna go to the playground.
you don't have to go to the fucking playground! i- i-i don't want a playground.
you can't designate play on a ground like separate ground.
that's like dividing and separating.
it's like you go play, but you don't play- play is everywhere! the ground is everywhere! that's like religion and dogma- you play there, you play over there! i play here.
i play wherever i want.
i'm playing, i'm playing, i'm playing.
it's a heart ground.
what do they have, like- like serious ground and cry ground and playground and stupid ground and idiot ground? i ain't playing on a playground- that's forced play.
that's- that's force play! that's a human construct for people who are afraid to play wherever they're supposed to play, - wherever they want.
- get the fuck out of my house, jerry.
ha ha, you lose.
hey, lucy, dinner is almost ready.
so go wash your hands.
okay.
thanks for watching her today, shannon.
oh, it was no problem.
we had fun.
lucy is tough on babysitters.
she gets all bitchy with them.
they never wanna come back.
but you did a good job today.
wow, you're really nice to say that.
- oh, yeah.
- you know, i think it's really amazing, all the things that you do.
i mean, you take care of lucy, you run the household, and you know what? i've not seen you have a drink all day.
yeah.
i don't know, it just makes me wanna do something really nice for you, you know? like blow you or something.
hey, you guys.
oh, hi, kim.
- how was everybody's day? - oh, it was great.
- lucy and i had lots of fun.
- oh, that's so great.
- thank you.
- yeah.
what's the matter with you? it's- - mommy, we had fun today.
- oh, baby, i heard.
- that's so nice.
- hey, you know what? how about you guys go to a movie tomorrow night - and i will stay and watch lucy? - all right! thanks.
- yay.
- okay, let me change for dinner.
mmm, smells good, papa.
hey, uh i don't want this to affect us going to a movie tomorrow, but shannon just offered to blow me.
what?! oh, christ.
oh, that poor girl.
she's so confused.
yeah, so we should get her out of here, right? wrong.
that's the last thing she needs.
what do you wanna do? she just said she wants to blow me.
louie, no one wants to blow you, okay? she offered because that's the only way she knows how to be nice to people.
if we kick her out now she's gonna be blowing people willy-nilly.
no no no no no.
what she needs is a consistent home life and a little direction, that's all.
i'm gonna talk to her about checking out some classes at clark community.
no, listen, don't you get it? i'm the dominant male here and shannon is challenging you for my loin fruit.
what? nothing's gonna happen, obviously.
but to make absolutely sure that it doesn't i think that you should blow me.
so you're really telling me that if i don't blow you, you're gonna let shannon blow you? no.
then i believe we're done here.
- that movie sucked.
- yep.
i can't believe we had a night off and we wasted it - on that piece of shit.
- yeah.
you gotta learn to fall asleep in there.
i'm totally refreshed.
here you go, dylan.
shannon, what is going on here? oh my god.
okay, so kim, i went to that art class you told me about, and it was awesome.
so this is my professor bill.
he's been, like, all over the world.
he just came back from toronto.
i hope you don't mind our impromptu bacchanal.
don't worry about it, they're cool.
actually, we're not cool at all.
b ravo.
excuse me, bill, i'm not sure if you're aware, but shannon in here is 16 years old.
but i do know that the police are about to be aware of it.
no need to cal the gendarmes.
uh, i'll just be- oh my god, kim, what are you doing?! everybody else, you have five seconds to get out of my house! one, two- leave the beer, buddy.
kim! - louie, will you please take lucy in her room? - yeah.
- come on, sweetie, let's go.
- wh-? whoa, hold up.
come on, guys, party's over in there.
just go inside and get your p.
j.
s on.
i'll be in in a minute.
kim, what is your problem? you're supposed to be babysitting lucy.
what is all this shit? my friends were helping me watch her.
they were drinking and having sex.
god, you are so judgmental! who do you think you are?! shannon, do not argue with me.
no, don't order me around, okay? you just ruined things between me and bill and then you were a total bitch to all my friends.
this is bullshit! - shannon, stop it.
- fuck you, kim! this is better than the movie.
yay, tv! - welcome home, sweetie.
- fuck you! wow, she seems upset.
didn't you sit her down and have a talk? she won't listen.
she doesn't care that her life is turning to shit.
i totally reached out to her and she acted like a brat! and she tried to blow me.
teenagers, eh? anyway, now that she's learned a lesson, we'll take her back.
- no, tina, she hasn't learned any kind of lesson.
- please let's get lucy and we'll go home, okay? you know what? can you please just give me a minute? what the fuck do you want?! well, i'm glad you're home, but i have the feeling - you're not gonna stay.
- yeah.
so what's your fucking point? my fucking point is- okay, i'm just gonna say this because i'm gonna hate myself if i don't.
these old guys you're fucking are gonna keep trying to drag you into their shitty lives.
and if you don't leave them behind right now and get your own life, you're gonna live to regret it.
i know, but it took me getting pregnant and having an abortion to wake me up, okay? and that's not fun.
my life was really fucked up for a while.
but i worked my ass off, i got myself into nursing school and then when i finally had my own shit together, then i was ready to meet a guy who wasn't a creep.
i ended up with louie who has his problems, but he cared enough about me to work two jobs so i could finish school.
okay? now you could do what i did, or you could skip the old creeps and not get pregnant.
okay, so your big advice is to not get pregnant and only fuck younger guys? - close enough.
- okay, fine.
got it! fine! thank you! - is she finally down? - yeah.
how many books did it take? one book, 13 fucking times.
oh, man.
- well, thanks.
- yep.
what? aww you're a good guy.
i like you.
you're weird.
- i found it.
- found what? oh my god.
you are a dirty little jazz whore.