Making History (2017) s01e08 Episode Script
The Duel
1 Previously on Making History Hey, so you know how we wanted to take our Chicago money and buy that ice cream parlor for Deb? Hi! Who wants ice cream? (laughs) My future at this college depends on me getting something from them.
You just ruined my apartment! Tenure is off the table for you.
I drank John Hancock's urine! Dan, you're fired from ice cream.
What? DEBORAH: All right, so you are my first official customers.
I look forward to any opinions or suggestions.
Deborah, my honest feedback: this friggin' rules.
Don't change a thing.
ADAMS: Every tooth is in extreme pain, and my gout toe is throbbing with bliss.
Hey, where is Daniel? Oh, he hates good-byes, so he's crying in the freezer.
That sounds like something I'd like to see.
Nope.
You're done.
You ruined every part of my life, so we're going back to 1775.
Mmm, mmm.
Yum, yum.
A perfect end to a perfect visit.
Get in the bag.
2017 blows! Adams out! (door opens, bell jingles) Here you go.
(grunting) This is definitely not just tap water in a plastic jug.
Who is this sturdy angel who walks among us? DEBORAH: Oh, that's Melanie.
She's my friend and a water delivery specialist.
CHRIS: Well, thanks for the water, Melanie.
Bye.
We were just leaving.
Your hands are strong and calloused.
Let us be lovers.
ADAMS: Or whisper, "Amour," and I shall be yours for eternity.
Adams back in! - We're staying.
- No! Yes! HANCOCK: Melanie? Your head is like a melon (guitar strumming) Your body like a pear Your ears are like two turnips I want to eat your hair.
(Deborah sighs) My favorite Colonial love song.
ADAMS: Melanie! Watch! (grunting) I performed a feat of tumbling! Did you look? - Were you looking? - Hey, you guys are still here.
Great somersault.
- Are these guys in a play or something? - Sure, that works.
Well, you got some weirdo friends, Deb, - (phone buzzes) - Oh, I got to go.
My ex-stepdaughter's stuck in a bumper car.
But, Melanie, if you leave, I'll die! (door opens and closes, bell jingles) How am I not dead? I must possess her! I must, I must! Okay, enough.
This isn't Colonial times.
Melanie gets to decide if she wants to be courted.
(both laughing) Okay, Deb.
ADAMS: Yeah, good one, Deb.
Hey, she's serious.
And Melanie's not being courted at all because you two are going home.
No! I request that you yield from this woman.
And I request that you drown yourself in a bog.
That's a low blow.
Preying on my crippling fear of bogs! Guys! It's pronounced "blog.
" Don't worry, Daniel, he won't do anything about it.
He is a poltroon.
(gasps) DEBORAH: The "P" word.
The most vile epithet you can call a man.
What's a poltroon? A coward.
How dare you utter "poltroon" at me! I challenge you to a duel! DAN: Okay, okay, guys Shh! This is actually interesting to me, let it play out.
A duel? Pistols in an open field.
I accept.
I can't wait to wear a necklace of your teeth.
I will defile your cadaver with my "yoo-rine.
" I will mount your head on a pike and use it as a hat rack.
Ugly hats only.
HANCOCK: I shall bury you in a shallow grave, which will allow me to dig you up often and taunt your corpse! I can't wait to introduce my bullet to your brains.
I will dance a full jig on your deceased chest! Bullet brain.
Chest dance! Yes! A real Colonial duel.
(jazz playing) (sizzling) Hey.
You don't want to use the machine we have for laundry? Oh, this gets the clothes much more crispy.
Hmm.
Crazy about all this duel stuff, huh? Meh.
Anyway, I have some great news.
I know you fired me, but what is the most important aspect of any business? - The door.
- What? Without it, people couldn't get inside.
Right, yeah, no, act okay, yeah.
So what is the second most important aspect of any business? I'll tell you.
Publicity.
Are you familiar with that concept? I think so.
Once, the grocer overcharged for barley, and so the villagers burned him alive.
Yes, that would be bad publicity.
But I managed to get our ice cream parlor some good publicity.
A story in the local newspaper, the Bedford Examiner.
I thought the newspapers were for serious discourse on contemporary issues.
No way.
Newspapers are for people who don't have cell phones, to read while they poop.
(gunshots) Okay, who's ready to test some weapons and kill each other for love? And we can choose whatever we want? - Sure.
- Yep.
Hell yeah.
What are you doing? If one of these guys get hurt, that, like, affects history stuff, right? Duels are mostly just posturing.
And besides, we're their "seconds.
" We can negotiate a deal between them at any time.
Yeah.
Adams asked me to be his second, but I had already promised Hancock.
What? Adams told me I was his first second choice.
Maybe he meant you were his first second choice.
(groans) Anyway, the best professors are always experts in one narrow field.
Uh-huh.
Like Dr.
Cobell, his field of expertise is Native American yarn.
That is extremely narrow.
If I witness this duel, I'll have knowledge about history that no one else has.
They'll have to give me my job back.
HANCOCK: Guys! These.
I want this.
Take that, ye wastrel! Torn to bits by flaming lead! That be your fate! I've got you point blank, you mangy cur! You'll die in the gutter like a flyblown hog.
Do you still think this was a good idea? Yes.
This is living history.
(yelling) We're getting a chance to see what the actual Founding Fathers think about our current gun laws.
- (gunfire) - Not getting a word.
Gentlemen? Are these really the kinds of firearms you were thinking of when you drafted the Second Amendment? This is exactly what we had in mind! Hey, Hancock, that's your head! Deb, I'm sorry I spilled the chocolate sprinkles into the rainbow sprinkles.
I-I'll just pick 'em out with my hands.
(door opens, bell jingles) Hi, uh, I'm Mona from the Bedford Examiner.
Oh, yes, uh, please sit.
I'm Dan, um, this is my girlfriend, Deb.
Can I just say, the article that you did about the mouse that destroyed the gazebo, that was just riveting journalism.
Thank you.
That mouse was a real dick.
I thought you might like to try our ice cream during the interview.
I think you'll find it adequate.
Mmm.
Why so modest? This is great ice cream.
Being prideful won't attract customers.
But I'm free to say that that is the best damn ice cream in New England, and you can quote me on that.
Go ahead.
Write it down.
I'll remember it.
So, you two bought this place together, and then, on the first day, she fired you? - (laughs) - Daniel, you mentioned that? Well, I was drunk when I called her, so No, it's a great hook to the story, believe me.
So, how did you guys meet? How did we meet? - Uh - He introduced himself to me.
I was traveling.
And, uh, it was a long time ago, but it felt like I've known her for 242 years.
(laughs) And yet, some people would say it feels just like yesterday.
DAN: Time is weird.
Isn't time weird? Time is so weird.
- 'Cause, like, - (laughs) even things that happened a long time ago, sometimes they feel like they just happened.
Do you guys feel like you're answering my question? Because I feel like you're being weird and vague.
I see that.
I get how you could feel that way.
So how did you meet? We met in grade school.
You just said that you met while you were traveling.
We met on a field trip.
It was just the best field.
Sweeping and fertile.
Mm-hmm.
So what school was it? (scoffs) What am I, a maniac? What kind of person remembers what grade school they went to? Every single person.
I remember it, it was Monroe Grade School.
Okay.
Uh, anything else you'd like to add? Quakers are most welcome here, no matter how quiet they are.
Mm-hmm.
Deborah, this might be a little forward, but, um, if you ever need "help," here's my card.
Oh, a little piece of paper with your name and some random numbers on it.
I'll treasure it always.
Okay.
Bye! Adams cracked last night, told me he's totally scared.
This negotiation should be easy.
Tha's dope, tha's dope.
But they're both so prideful, so we have to really sell it.
- Tha's dope.
- Dan? Why are you pretending to read the newspaper? Oh, no reason.
Just because Deb and I are going to be in the newspaper.
Okay, I can't believe I'm asking this, but why are you gonna be in the newspaper? Geez, Chris, so many questions.
It's like I'm being interviewed for the newspaper again.
They're doing a little puff piece on Deb and I and the ice cream parlor.
Why would you let a journalist look into your life? Relax.
I need the publicity.
I need this business to work so that Deb stays with me in the future.
Plus, why does every article need to be about Elon Musk? It's enough already.
You're living with a woman from 1775.
She has a name.
And that name is Deb.
We time-travel! It didn't come up! You idiot! We stole money from Al Capone.
We used the Founding Fathers to buy an ice cream parlor.
You got to be more careful.
You know, you're no better than me.
Dan, objectively, I'm better than you.
You're keeping Hancock and Adams here for your sick, old-timey fight club.
If this reporter finds out the truth, there is no telling what could happen to us.
You need to fix this.
Chris.
I will not kill a reporter.
What? No, just kill the story.
- (bell jingles) - DEBORAH: Oh! It's Mona from the newspaper.
Hello! Hi, uh, you said that you guys - had information for my story? - DAN: Uh, yes, actually, we do have new information about the story.
We think you should not do it.
Yes, it was grand meeting you, and ten percent off your next cone purchase.
Okay.
Wow.
You know, uh, I just have one more question.
Do you happen to know these men? No, I I've never seen these women in my life.
DEBORAH: Uh, no, doesn't ring a bell.
Really? Because, uh they bought this building.
Cash.
And they signed their names "John Hancock" and "Sam Adams.
" (both laughing) DEBORAH: That's so odd because Sam Adams and John Hancock are they're famous men from Colonial times, and this is 2017, so that those must be fake names.
Obviously.
But why wouldn't they want anyone to know their real names? Okay.
Here's the deal.
Those two fat women are federal agents, and we - are in the Witness Protection Program.
- What? - And they put us here - To sell ice cream.
To sell ice cream because we saw the mob do a lot of murders.
Al Capone.
Yes, Hal Capo Hal Capone.
Um - And that's why they set us up here.
- Okay.
So you're federally protected witnesses who asked to be in the newspaper? It's our first week in the program.
Yeah, and we-we're so bad at it.
We keep on telling people who we are.
DAN: But obviously, if you were to print the story, our murder would be on your hands.
Um, so maybe just find another thing to write about, - like a gazebo or something.
- Yeah.
Thank you for wasting a lot of my time.
- You're welcome.
- You're welcome.
- Oh, my God.
- Oh, thank you for understanding.
- She's so nice.
- (door opens, bell jingles) My life is completely in your hands, Chris.
Ugh.
I'm totally freaking.
No need to worry, bud, I'll make sure nothing happens to you.
I just love Melanie so much.
You do have a wife in 1775.
- Hey, be cool, man.
- Oh, there they are.
I'm gonna pull up right next to them like in a cop show.
Driver side to driver side, like McNulty in The Wire.
- Good show.
- Oh, here they are.
Dan, your ice cream's running down your arm! You're wasting it! - (grunting) - (giggles) Your tongue is so rough.
(screaming, tires screeching) (metal scraping, Chris screaming) (whispering): Quick, switch seats with me.
- Aah! - DAN: Chris, this is just a tiny scratch that'll buff right out.
Wow.
- I really clocked you.
- This car is the one thing I have - that you guys didn't ruin.
- DAN: You need to relax.
- What? - I'll just go to the past and get you a new car.
A car won't fit in the bag, you moron.
ADAMS: Chris, the car is between you and Dan.
Uh, perhaps we could get back to renegotiating the duel, which is why we're here in the first place.
Oh, right, right.
You guys just destroyed my apartment and made me drink pee.
God, this again? ADAMS: I clearly remember saying, "Chris, that's pee," before you drank it.
HANCOCK: But you didn't hear him because you were already greedily chugging away, pee-soaked grin on your face.
DAN: Did something happen to you that you keep bringing up that time you drank pee? You know what? I hate you all! The duel is on! Chris, don't be nasty.
Chris, come on! Don't be nasty, Chris.
(car speeds away) Oh, good.
This hasn't gone farther than I anticipated.
(quietly sobbing) DAN: Chris, Chris, we got to do something.
If they shoot each other, they could, like, screw up the Civil War or something.
Wha-What, come on, man, you didn't even Look, I'm sorry, okay? I got rid of the reporter.
Let's just, let's just start fresh, clean slate.
Hi, I'm Samuel Adams.
Who are you guys? Where am I? What'd you do with my horse? No, you need to learn a lesson.
So, they're fighting over me? I'm so sorry to involve you in such a barbaric, sexist ritual.
- They're old-fashioned.
- It's fine.
It's a step up for me.
Recently, I even started dating bald guys.
Oh, no.
Any last words, gentlemen? (sniffs, then clears throat) I did it all for the nookie.
Amen.
(clears throat) Back-to-back.
One-ly, two, threebie, thorn, flive, six.
(grunts) (screaming) Daniel! Daniel! Oh! I've been shot.
They're paintballs.
I wasn't gonna let 'em use real guns.
Just wanted to teach you all a lesson.
And what would that lesson be? That your actions have consequences! (both laugh) Here's a cool twist.
We secretly forgave each other.
We only went through with all of this to teach you a lesson.
Love conquers all.
- That's your lesson? - It's subtle but it's in there.
HANCOCK: Your fight was even dumber than ours.
You guys are quibbling over material stuff, you know? It's all so meaningless.
You thought they were real guns and you still shot us.
Right.
Sorry.
Colonial weapons were so inaccurate, you only aimed at someone if you were trying to miss them.
ADAMS: Right.
Gun that shoots paint.
- (scoffs) Whew.
- (laughs) ADAMS: Never in a million years would I.
.
- Ooohohoh! - By Jiminy, I think I'll put this down.
I can't see.
I can't see.
Eh, you're not missing much.
Just a beautiful field on a gorgeous day.
- (camera shutter clicks) - Look at it, see the face of God in that cloud.
Where? I'll visit you.
Don't.
(ambulance door closes) (siren chirps) - Hello.
- Hey.
You sort of look like if Axl Rose got dipped in bleach.
You want to grab a drink or something? It would be my great pleasure to accept.
My good fellow, I congratulate you heartily.
For not only have we imparted wisdom of these pompkin whelps, but you have found true love in the process.
- (laughs) - Yeah, all right, let's go.
Don't touch me.
Still not bathing (sniffs) I gather? (knocking on door) DAN: How was the date? Woe betide the Colonial man who ventures blindly into modern sexuality.
I'm not into weirdos or criers, and this guy's both.
- (crying): I'm not - D-Don't speak.
Here's his frilly shirt; he couldn't put it back on 'cause his hands were shaking.
DEBORAH: Well, thank you! Oh, Sam.
Gather yourself.
Hold your head up high, brother.
Do you remember the hex of the sea hag that left you mute for 40 days? This but pales in comparison.
ADAMS: (laughs) We have seen countless horrors together, my old friend.
There he is.
There's my old chum, Sam, back in good spirits.
- (laughs) - All right, guys, back in the bag.
Let's do this.
You guys got some work to do in the past.
Daniel, facing death in the future made me feel more alive than I ever did in the past.
ADAMS: And I just joined a Planet Fitness.
To leave now would be insane.
And so We run away! - No! - Stop them! To the future! Deb, wait! (sighs) I was only going to get the big one with a calf shot.
He would have fallen on the little one.
I love you so much.
(knocking on door) Oh.
I'm sorry, miss, no visitors.
No.
It's okay.
I'm family.
- No, she's not.
- Chris! Psst! Christopher, are you awake? Are you sleeping? Is Dan with you? Oh, no, he he was afraid that you'd throw something at him, so he sent me instead.
Another coward move.
No, he is only scared because he values your friendship so highly.
He ruined my life.
We're not friends.
We never were.
No, you don't mean that.
I do.
We were all thrown together by circumstance.
You guys know nothing about me.
When's my birthday? September 11.
What? No.
Today.
Today is my birthday.
Happy birthday.
I think it's best that we all just go our separate ways.
No more time travel.
No more stupid questions about history.
Let's just never see each other ever again.
Well, I hope, for the sake of your vision, that we do see each other again.
Good-bye, Deborah.
Good-bye.
Kum-bah-yah, my Lord Kum-bah-yah Kum-bah-yah, my Lord Our top story, a nine-year-old girl enters her 80th hour stuck in a bumper car.
(snoring) Kum-bah-yah, my Lord Kum-bah-yah (crying) Birthday! Oh, Lord, kum-bah-yah.
You just ruined my apartment! Tenure is off the table for you.
I drank John Hancock's urine! Dan, you're fired from ice cream.
What? DEBORAH: All right, so you are my first official customers.
I look forward to any opinions or suggestions.
Deborah, my honest feedback: this friggin' rules.
Don't change a thing.
ADAMS: Every tooth is in extreme pain, and my gout toe is throbbing with bliss.
Hey, where is Daniel? Oh, he hates good-byes, so he's crying in the freezer.
That sounds like something I'd like to see.
Nope.
You're done.
You ruined every part of my life, so we're going back to 1775.
Mmm, mmm.
Yum, yum.
A perfect end to a perfect visit.
Get in the bag.
2017 blows! Adams out! (door opens, bell jingles) Here you go.
(grunting) This is definitely not just tap water in a plastic jug.
Who is this sturdy angel who walks among us? DEBORAH: Oh, that's Melanie.
She's my friend and a water delivery specialist.
CHRIS: Well, thanks for the water, Melanie.
Bye.
We were just leaving.
Your hands are strong and calloused.
Let us be lovers.
ADAMS: Or whisper, "Amour," and I shall be yours for eternity.
Adams back in! - We're staying.
- No! Yes! HANCOCK: Melanie? Your head is like a melon (guitar strumming) Your body like a pear Your ears are like two turnips I want to eat your hair.
(Deborah sighs) My favorite Colonial love song.
ADAMS: Melanie! Watch! (grunting) I performed a feat of tumbling! Did you look? - Were you looking? - Hey, you guys are still here.
Great somersault.
- Are these guys in a play or something? - Sure, that works.
Well, you got some weirdo friends, Deb, - (phone buzzes) - Oh, I got to go.
My ex-stepdaughter's stuck in a bumper car.
But, Melanie, if you leave, I'll die! (door opens and closes, bell jingles) How am I not dead? I must possess her! I must, I must! Okay, enough.
This isn't Colonial times.
Melanie gets to decide if she wants to be courted.
(both laughing) Okay, Deb.
ADAMS: Yeah, good one, Deb.
Hey, she's serious.
And Melanie's not being courted at all because you two are going home.
No! I request that you yield from this woman.
And I request that you drown yourself in a bog.
That's a low blow.
Preying on my crippling fear of bogs! Guys! It's pronounced "blog.
" Don't worry, Daniel, he won't do anything about it.
He is a poltroon.
(gasps) DEBORAH: The "P" word.
The most vile epithet you can call a man.
What's a poltroon? A coward.
How dare you utter "poltroon" at me! I challenge you to a duel! DAN: Okay, okay, guys Shh! This is actually interesting to me, let it play out.
A duel? Pistols in an open field.
I accept.
I can't wait to wear a necklace of your teeth.
I will defile your cadaver with my "yoo-rine.
" I will mount your head on a pike and use it as a hat rack.
Ugly hats only.
HANCOCK: I shall bury you in a shallow grave, which will allow me to dig you up often and taunt your corpse! I can't wait to introduce my bullet to your brains.
I will dance a full jig on your deceased chest! Bullet brain.
Chest dance! Yes! A real Colonial duel.
(jazz playing) (sizzling) Hey.
You don't want to use the machine we have for laundry? Oh, this gets the clothes much more crispy.
Hmm.
Crazy about all this duel stuff, huh? Meh.
Anyway, I have some great news.
I know you fired me, but what is the most important aspect of any business? - The door.
- What? Without it, people couldn't get inside.
Right, yeah, no, act okay, yeah.
So what is the second most important aspect of any business? I'll tell you.
Publicity.
Are you familiar with that concept? I think so.
Once, the grocer overcharged for barley, and so the villagers burned him alive.
Yes, that would be bad publicity.
But I managed to get our ice cream parlor some good publicity.
A story in the local newspaper, the Bedford Examiner.
I thought the newspapers were for serious discourse on contemporary issues.
No way.
Newspapers are for people who don't have cell phones, to read while they poop.
(gunshots) Okay, who's ready to test some weapons and kill each other for love? And we can choose whatever we want? - Sure.
- Yep.
Hell yeah.
What are you doing? If one of these guys get hurt, that, like, affects history stuff, right? Duels are mostly just posturing.
And besides, we're their "seconds.
" We can negotiate a deal between them at any time.
Yeah.
Adams asked me to be his second, but I had already promised Hancock.
What? Adams told me I was his first second choice.
Maybe he meant you were his first second choice.
(groans) Anyway, the best professors are always experts in one narrow field.
Uh-huh.
Like Dr.
Cobell, his field of expertise is Native American yarn.
That is extremely narrow.
If I witness this duel, I'll have knowledge about history that no one else has.
They'll have to give me my job back.
HANCOCK: Guys! These.
I want this.
Take that, ye wastrel! Torn to bits by flaming lead! That be your fate! I've got you point blank, you mangy cur! You'll die in the gutter like a flyblown hog.
Do you still think this was a good idea? Yes.
This is living history.
(yelling) We're getting a chance to see what the actual Founding Fathers think about our current gun laws.
- (gunfire) - Not getting a word.
Gentlemen? Are these really the kinds of firearms you were thinking of when you drafted the Second Amendment? This is exactly what we had in mind! Hey, Hancock, that's your head! Deb, I'm sorry I spilled the chocolate sprinkles into the rainbow sprinkles.
I-I'll just pick 'em out with my hands.
(door opens, bell jingles) Hi, uh, I'm Mona from the Bedford Examiner.
Oh, yes, uh, please sit.
I'm Dan, um, this is my girlfriend, Deb.
Can I just say, the article that you did about the mouse that destroyed the gazebo, that was just riveting journalism.
Thank you.
That mouse was a real dick.
I thought you might like to try our ice cream during the interview.
I think you'll find it adequate.
Mmm.
Why so modest? This is great ice cream.
Being prideful won't attract customers.
But I'm free to say that that is the best damn ice cream in New England, and you can quote me on that.
Go ahead.
Write it down.
I'll remember it.
So, you two bought this place together, and then, on the first day, she fired you? - (laughs) - Daniel, you mentioned that? Well, I was drunk when I called her, so No, it's a great hook to the story, believe me.
So, how did you guys meet? How did we meet? - Uh - He introduced himself to me.
I was traveling.
And, uh, it was a long time ago, but it felt like I've known her for 242 years.
(laughs) And yet, some people would say it feels just like yesterday.
DAN: Time is weird.
Isn't time weird? Time is so weird.
- 'Cause, like, - (laughs) even things that happened a long time ago, sometimes they feel like they just happened.
Do you guys feel like you're answering my question? Because I feel like you're being weird and vague.
I see that.
I get how you could feel that way.
So how did you meet? We met in grade school.
You just said that you met while you were traveling.
We met on a field trip.
It was just the best field.
Sweeping and fertile.
Mm-hmm.
So what school was it? (scoffs) What am I, a maniac? What kind of person remembers what grade school they went to? Every single person.
I remember it, it was Monroe Grade School.
Okay.
Uh, anything else you'd like to add? Quakers are most welcome here, no matter how quiet they are.
Mm-hmm.
Deborah, this might be a little forward, but, um, if you ever need "help," here's my card.
Oh, a little piece of paper with your name and some random numbers on it.
I'll treasure it always.
Okay.
Bye! Adams cracked last night, told me he's totally scared.
This negotiation should be easy.
Tha's dope, tha's dope.
But they're both so prideful, so we have to really sell it.
- Tha's dope.
- Dan? Why are you pretending to read the newspaper? Oh, no reason.
Just because Deb and I are going to be in the newspaper.
Okay, I can't believe I'm asking this, but why are you gonna be in the newspaper? Geez, Chris, so many questions.
It's like I'm being interviewed for the newspaper again.
They're doing a little puff piece on Deb and I and the ice cream parlor.
Why would you let a journalist look into your life? Relax.
I need the publicity.
I need this business to work so that Deb stays with me in the future.
Plus, why does every article need to be about Elon Musk? It's enough already.
You're living with a woman from 1775.
She has a name.
And that name is Deb.
We time-travel! It didn't come up! You idiot! We stole money from Al Capone.
We used the Founding Fathers to buy an ice cream parlor.
You got to be more careful.
You know, you're no better than me.
Dan, objectively, I'm better than you.
You're keeping Hancock and Adams here for your sick, old-timey fight club.
If this reporter finds out the truth, there is no telling what could happen to us.
You need to fix this.
Chris.
I will not kill a reporter.
What? No, just kill the story.
- (bell jingles) - DEBORAH: Oh! It's Mona from the newspaper.
Hello! Hi, uh, you said that you guys - had information for my story? - DAN: Uh, yes, actually, we do have new information about the story.
We think you should not do it.
Yes, it was grand meeting you, and ten percent off your next cone purchase.
Okay.
Wow.
You know, uh, I just have one more question.
Do you happen to know these men? No, I I've never seen these women in my life.
DEBORAH: Uh, no, doesn't ring a bell.
Really? Because, uh they bought this building.
Cash.
And they signed their names "John Hancock" and "Sam Adams.
" (both laughing) DEBORAH: That's so odd because Sam Adams and John Hancock are they're famous men from Colonial times, and this is 2017, so that those must be fake names.
Obviously.
But why wouldn't they want anyone to know their real names? Okay.
Here's the deal.
Those two fat women are federal agents, and we - are in the Witness Protection Program.
- What? - And they put us here - To sell ice cream.
To sell ice cream because we saw the mob do a lot of murders.
Al Capone.
Yes, Hal Capo Hal Capone.
Um - And that's why they set us up here.
- Okay.
So you're federally protected witnesses who asked to be in the newspaper? It's our first week in the program.
Yeah, and we-we're so bad at it.
We keep on telling people who we are.
DAN: But obviously, if you were to print the story, our murder would be on your hands.
Um, so maybe just find another thing to write about, - like a gazebo or something.
- Yeah.
Thank you for wasting a lot of my time.
- You're welcome.
- You're welcome.
- Oh, my God.
- Oh, thank you for understanding.
- She's so nice.
- (door opens, bell jingles) My life is completely in your hands, Chris.
Ugh.
I'm totally freaking.
No need to worry, bud, I'll make sure nothing happens to you.
I just love Melanie so much.
You do have a wife in 1775.
- Hey, be cool, man.
- Oh, there they are.
I'm gonna pull up right next to them like in a cop show.
Driver side to driver side, like McNulty in The Wire.
- Good show.
- Oh, here they are.
Dan, your ice cream's running down your arm! You're wasting it! - (grunting) - (giggles) Your tongue is so rough.
(screaming, tires screeching) (metal scraping, Chris screaming) (whispering): Quick, switch seats with me.
- Aah! - DAN: Chris, this is just a tiny scratch that'll buff right out.
Wow.
- I really clocked you.
- This car is the one thing I have - that you guys didn't ruin.
- DAN: You need to relax.
- What? - I'll just go to the past and get you a new car.
A car won't fit in the bag, you moron.
ADAMS: Chris, the car is between you and Dan.
Uh, perhaps we could get back to renegotiating the duel, which is why we're here in the first place.
Oh, right, right.
You guys just destroyed my apartment and made me drink pee.
God, this again? ADAMS: I clearly remember saying, "Chris, that's pee," before you drank it.
HANCOCK: But you didn't hear him because you were already greedily chugging away, pee-soaked grin on your face.
DAN: Did something happen to you that you keep bringing up that time you drank pee? You know what? I hate you all! The duel is on! Chris, don't be nasty.
Chris, come on! Don't be nasty, Chris.
(car speeds away) Oh, good.
This hasn't gone farther than I anticipated.
(quietly sobbing) DAN: Chris, Chris, we got to do something.
If they shoot each other, they could, like, screw up the Civil War or something.
Wha-What, come on, man, you didn't even Look, I'm sorry, okay? I got rid of the reporter.
Let's just, let's just start fresh, clean slate.
Hi, I'm Samuel Adams.
Who are you guys? Where am I? What'd you do with my horse? No, you need to learn a lesson.
So, they're fighting over me? I'm so sorry to involve you in such a barbaric, sexist ritual.
- They're old-fashioned.
- It's fine.
It's a step up for me.
Recently, I even started dating bald guys.
Oh, no.
Any last words, gentlemen? (sniffs, then clears throat) I did it all for the nookie.
Amen.
(clears throat) Back-to-back.
One-ly, two, threebie, thorn, flive, six.
(grunts) (screaming) Daniel! Daniel! Oh! I've been shot.
They're paintballs.
I wasn't gonna let 'em use real guns.
Just wanted to teach you all a lesson.
And what would that lesson be? That your actions have consequences! (both laugh) Here's a cool twist.
We secretly forgave each other.
We only went through with all of this to teach you a lesson.
Love conquers all.
- That's your lesson? - It's subtle but it's in there.
HANCOCK: Your fight was even dumber than ours.
You guys are quibbling over material stuff, you know? It's all so meaningless.
You thought they were real guns and you still shot us.
Right.
Sorry.
Colonial weapons were so inaccurate, you only aimed at someone if you were trying to miss them.
ADAMS: Right.
Gun that shoots paint.
- (scoffs) Whew.
- (laughs) ADAMS: Never in a million years would I.
.
- Ooohohoh! - By Jiminy, I think I'll put this down.
I can't see.
I can't see.
Eh, you're not missing much.
Just a beautiful field on a gorgeous day.
- (camera shutter clicks) - Look at it, see the face of God in that cloud.
Where? I'll visit you.
Don't.
(ambulance door closes) (siren chirps) - Hello.
- Hey.
You sort of look like if Axl Rose got dipped in bleach.
You want to grab a drink or something? It would be my great pleasure to accept.
My good fellow, I congratulate you heartily.
For not only have we imparted wisdom of these pompkin whelps, but you have found true love in the process.
- (laughs) - Yeah, all right, let's go.
Don't touch me.
Still not bathing (sniffs) I gather? (knocking on door) DAN: How was the date? Woe betide the Colonial man who ventures blindly into modern sexuality.
I'm not into weirdos or criers, and this guy's both.
- (crying): I'm not - D-Don't speak.
Here's his frilly shirt; he couldn't put it back on 'cause his hands were shaking.
DEBORAH: Well, thank you! Oh, Sam.
Gather yourself.
Hold your head up high, brother.
Do you remember the hex of the sea hag that left you mute for 40 days? This but pales in comparison.
ADAMS: (laughs) We have seen countless horrors together, my old friend.
There he is.
There's my old chum, Sam, back in good spirits.
- (laughs) - All right, guys, back in the bag.
Let's do this.
You guys got some work to do in the past.
Daniel, facing death in the future made me feel more alive than I ever did in the past.
ADAMS: And I just joined a Planet Fitness.
To leave now would be insane.
And so We run away! - No! - Stop them! To the future! Deb, wait! (sighs) I was only going to get the big one with a calf shot.
He would have fallen on the little one.
I love you so much.
(knocking on door) Oh.
I'm sorry, miss, no visitors.
No.
It's okay.
I'm family.
- No, she's not.
- Chris! Psst! Christopher, are you awake? Are you sleeping? Is Dan with you? Oh, no, he he was afraid that you'd throw something at him, so he sent me instead.
Another coward move.
No, he is only scared because he values your friendship so highly.
He ruined my life.
We're not friends.
We never were.
No, you don't mean that.
I do.
We were all thrown together by circumstance.
You guys know nothing about me.
When's my birthday? September 11.
What? No.
Today.
Today is my birthday.
Happy birthday.
I think it's best that we all just go our separate ways.
No more time travel.
No more stupid questions about history.
Let's just never see each other ever again.
Well, I hope, for the sake of your vision, that we do see each other again.
Good-bye, Deborah.
Good-bye.
Kum-bah-yah, my Lord Kum-bah-yah Kum-bah-yah, my Lord Our top story, a nine-year-old girl enters her 80th hour stuck in a bumper car.
(snoring) Kum-bah-yah, my Lord Kum-bah-yah (crying) Birthday! Oh, Lord, kum-bah-yah.