Man Up (2011) s01e08 Episode Script

Will! Hide me! Hide me! He--he's got a dart! What are you talking about? Who's got a dart? Aah! You think it's funny, kenny?! What's going on here? I'm getting a cup of coffee.
All of a sudden, I hear this idiot yell, "dart attack! Don't look up!" So I look up In spite of my instructions! And he hits me in the forehead with a dart! Okay, in my defense, I had a very tough day yesterday, And I'm taking it out on craig.
Oh, no! Are you okay? Why don't you step out from behind will And tell us all about it? Hey, hey, craig.
Will-- no.
But-- no! fine.
Now what's going on, kenny? Yesterday, I'm at the park.
I'm teaching nathan some of my awesome football skills, And then grant shows up uninvited, Totally confuses the kid.
Hike! Yah! Uhh! Aah! Ha! Give me that! Stop it! Aah! Uhh! Aah! Ohh! Uhh! Man, I am sick Of grant being better than me at everything-- Sports, regional cooking-- Having sex with your ex-wife.
I assume.
So I can't help my nephew anymore.
Is there something that I can teach my niece? She's only 7.
I know she can't make a good margarita yet.
Actually, lucy's good.
She's very excited because we just told her that she's-- Part robot? A firestarter? Aging backwards? Made of copper? A dog whisperer? She has no idea where food comes from.
The other day, she asked if bacon, lettuce, and tomato All came from the same plant.
wait, there's a trick for remembering this.
I've been looking for something that she and I can do together.
You know, a way for us to connect as father and daughter.
Well, if people are gettin' chickens, I'm in.
Me, too.
I'm gonna name mine "eggs benedict.
" Why? Is he gonna betray america and sell us out to the british? Maybe.
We'll see how trainable it is.
By the way, while we were talking, this came for you.
mother! Aah! Aah! I'm sorry I was so much bigger than you yesterday.
That's okay.
I'm sorry I hurt your ankle When you stepped on my face.
Hello, everyone.
Brenda, I would like to thank you For setting me up with your doctor friend.
She ran some tests and has identified me As her perfect bone donor.
Ohh! oh! the kids aren't around, are they? dr.
Donna definitely has you on her mind.
The other day she told a bunch of us nurses that A patient of hers was going to die in a matter of "craigs.
" it was so funny And then sad, because she meant hours.
Hmm.
She wants me to meet her son.
That's a good sign.
I know.
It's great.
Kids love me, and I love them.
In fact, I consider myself a connoisseur of children.
Easy, buddy.
That phrase is what lost you The santa job at the mall.
whoa.
You're all here.
it's 6:30 in the morning.
Lucy isn't even awake yet.
We're all very eager about the chickens.
I went online and did some research.
Did you know that although chickens walk on two feet, Technically they're not considered mammals.
I just want to encourage all of you To reconsider this madness all right? Chickens are a lot of work.
Ah, you just don't like chickens, Because when we used to stay at grandpa's farm, They'd rat you out when you tried to sneak in after curfew.
Honey, this is my chance to have a teachable moment With my daughter.
Besides, it's just one bird hey.
For Each of us, For a total of five in our backyard, Where your zen garden used to be, which, let's face it, Was really just a bunch of rocks.
I love you.
Fine.
Have at it, but don't come crying to me if things go wrong, And with chickens, things will always go wrong.
Wow! Theresa really hates poultry.
When we were kids, I once shook a bag of chickens And threw 'em in the tub with her.
I kinda regret that now.
Have you picked one out yet, sweetie? Negative.
I was talking to my other sweetie.
I'm still looking, too.
I'm talking to my daughter.
Why would I call any of you guys "sweetie"? I once heard you call craig "pumpkin.
" Because he used this spray tan, And I said he was the color of pumpkins.
Yes? Fine, pumpkin, sweetie, grant-- I'm sorry.
I don't have a nickname I'm not calling you yet.
"honey bear.
" Has anybody here picked out a chicken yet? I want that cute one over there, next to all the other cute ones.
I'm gonna go tell the lady.
I like that little bitty one.
She looks lonely.
I'm gonna get that big one that just dropped a chicken deuce On grant's chicken's head.
Seems a little aggressive for a guy who answers to "sweetie.
" I'm never gonna be better than grant at anything, But at least I can have a chicken That's better than his, And then I will be better than him.
No, I won't But my chicken will be, and so will I.
No, I won't.
Just get the damn chicken.
Relax, man.
I will.
Yo.
How much are the chickens? $8.
$8? That is insane.
I can get one with fries and a toy for $4.
I'll give you 99 cents.
I can give you a dead one for 99 cents.
How dead? Pretty dead.
No.
That sounds too dead.
You just lost a deal, sir.
Come on.
This whole place is a racket.
I love my chicken so much, daddy.
Good.
I love that we're doing this together.
I'm gonna name her after my favorite thing In the whole world.
Yeah? "mommy.
" Oh.
It might be confusing having two mommies around.
Then I'll name her after my second favorite thing.
Well, it may also be confusing having two da-- Cookies! I'm gonna call her "cookie.
" Mom, I figured out a name for cookie! It's "cookie"! Tough break, will.
Thought it was gonna be you both times, didn't you? yeah.
Oh, man.
Look how badass my chicken is.
He just took seeds away from your nerd bird, And your idiot didn't even do anything.
That's 'cause he's chicken.
Bah-gah! Let me help you with that chicken sound, kenny.
It's more like, uh bok-bok, bah-gok, bah-gok! Bok-bok, bah-gok! Fine, add chicken sounds To things you're better at than me, but can you do this? I choose not to.
Then you win again, because I have strained my throat.
Aw, flowers.
Okay, I'll have sex with you.
Kidding.
I was gonna do that anyway.
I'm kidding again.
It depends what's in that gift bag.
Well, then we're totally gonna do it, Because I got something for your son.
oh.
We are gonna do it.
Well, I want to make a good first impre-- oh! Milady, shall we proceed with the evening? Sorry.
I guess I need a mat under that thing.
Randy! So you ready to meet my little guy? although I don't know how much longer I can call him that.
He's 11 already.
Hey, dude.
Hi.
So where's randy? This is randy.
This gentleman is randy? He's a little big for his age.
Yeah, he's a little big for my age.
So, craig, why don't you and my favorite guy Get to know each other, okay? hey, buddy.
Oh, I, uh, got you a gift.
Well Maybe you can give it to your son.
Do you have kids? No.
You wanna wrestle? Um No, thanks.
I do.
Maybe with our thumbs.
Ohh! Why didn't you tell me randy was an 11-year-old yeti? Or that the world shakes when he walks? Or that his bed is surrounded by the bones of englishmen? Craig, sometimes you gotta be firm with children.
You put your foot down.
Hard to put my foot down when I'm being carried around By just the skin on my stomach.
Besides, I need to be careful about getting Into a confrontation.
Why? I have some anger issues.
Once I open that door, things can get a little scary.
You get scary? You mean, like how a cupcake gets scary? Or a kitten sleeping in warm laundry? Oh, he's serious.
Craig does not do well when he's pushed to the limit And has to stand up for himself.
My coupon had not expired.
although it did by the time that tantrum was over.
If you can't talk to the kid, Why don't you just say something to donna? Because you do not get a woman in the mood for sex By telling her that her son is a misbegotten land monster.
Look, I found an egg! that's great, honey! Now tell mommy where eggs come from.
Chicken's butts.
I'm gonna go look for more.
What a wonderful teachable moment that was.
Look how I've enriched my daughter's life.
Hello, you little miracle.
Mwah.
You know, that really did just drop out of a chicken's butt.
check out how my xena's pushing her tail into your chicken, Totally disrespecting her.
your chicken's been dissed.
Look how petty you're being.
That can't feel good.
Oh, you'd be surprised.
Wait.
What is your chicken doing? Why is she climbing up on xena? I don't think my bird's a she.
Man, that little sucker's in a hurry.
grant's hen is a rooster! He deflowered xena with brutal indifference.
You're running a frat house out there, william! Whoa, kenny.
Slow down.
From where I was standing, It looked like everybody was getting what they wanted.
she's 6 weeks old.
She can't make a decision like that.
Ohh.
Kenny! Ugh.
Something's wrong with cookie.
She won't stand up.
She needs a doctor.
Call 9-1-1! So there are complications in raising farm animals.
Whew.
Who could have seen that coming? Don't worry, honey.
I'm sure cookie's gonna be just fine.
The veterinarian probably sees this kind of thing all the time.
Well, I've never seen anything like this before.
Look how special cookie is.
Cookie appears to have an impacted crop, Which is stopping food from getting into her stomach.
Can you help her? I could, but it would require surgery.
Surgery? On a chicken? I know, right? who does that? We do.
Right, daddy? We don't know yet.
How much would we be paying for such an asinine activity? $700? To save a chicken? Maybe if it could predict the future or grant wishes Or even drive me to the airport, but this bird's going nowhere.
If that's your criteria for saving things, Then we would never save kenny, either.
Excuse me.
I need to wash my hands.
uh, birds aren't shy about where they poop.
Uh, here's an idea.
You know, maybe I have, uh, A different teachable moment with lucy.
Maybe I teach her that sometimes things die.
Will, you let her name cookie after her second favorite thing.
It's gonna be hard for her to let it go.
If I may, when I was a boy and we lost my pee-paw, My bee-ba read me the story of bun-bun.
Did you just get electrocuted? "bun-bun's last hop" is a children's book About a little bunny that dies.
It teaches kids how to deal with loss And that a tractor's engine is no place to hide.
Bun-bun, huh? Ah.
I think this moment just got a little more teachable.
Oh, grant? We have a situation.
Xena laid her first egg since the incident, And you and I need to talk.
It's positive.
Are you sure? Of course I'm sure.
I checked it three times.
There's a spot inside.
it's fertilized.
We're pregnant.
What are you going to do? What am I going to do? I tell you we're gonna have a chicken, And that's what you say to me? Just get out.
We don't need you.
Well, how do we even know for sure it was my bird Who got your b-- don't.
Don't you dare.
Oh, I can't even look at you.
Kenny, I'm sorry.
This is all happening so fast.
I'm just trying to wrap my head around it.
I need to know that you're going to be there For this chicken's whole I don't even know how long they live.
A couple years? I will be there.
I promise.
So you're excited? I am excited.
There's so much to do.
We gotta get an incubator, a light, maybe.
Damn it, we're having a chicken together! So instead of wrestling, I thought I would entertain you This evening with the art of illusion.
Where is my mom? She had to work late, and she asked me to look after you, And I agreed because I wanted to show you the art of illusion.
How long can you hold your breath? I don't know Because we're not doing that right now.
We are doing the art-- Randy.
Randy.
Please, ran-- randy! Mm! Mm! Mm! hey.
You're the giant dude.
Where's craig? I'm in here! Whoa.
Is this part of your magic show? Because if I open this and doves fly out And then you come through the front door I would lose my mind.
Open it! Okay.
ho! ta-da That trick needs a better finish, man, Or at least the "trick" part.
this beast choked me out And tied me up in this giant hobo sack.
I think the word you're looking for is "bindle," Because technically, a "hobo sack" Is a drifter's under-package.
That's donna.
I've had it.
I have to tell her that her son is a violent, abusive animal.
This stops now.
Donna-- Mmm.
Randy's spending the weekend with his father, So you and I are gonna do it so much our souls will switch.
Oh, my god.
Sexy soul-switch.
Have you been reading my journal? "bun-bun's friends would do anything to bring bun-bun back, "give up all their carrots, even their whiskers, "but it was too late, because death is final, And everyone will experience it.
" Wow.
That's--that's a pretty harsh ending.
So bun-bun's friends would have done anything to save him? Yes, but what the book's trying to say is that animals die, And that's just a natural part of the-- But we can save cookie.
The doctor said so.
Wait.
bun-bun only died Because after starting the tractor engine, There weren't enough of his parts left To put him back together.
O-okay.
Let's read this again from-- From the farmer's point of view, Focusing on how much it must have cost him To fix his tractor.
So you let this boy suffocate you until you passed out? I didn't let him.
In fact, I found something that looked Like flesh under my fingernails, so I definitely struggled.
Craig, you have got to be more assertive with this kid.
I don't want to freak you out, but nancy palmer saw him Pulling you around the neighborhood in a wagon.
I told you someone was using our wagon.
no, I-I can't be assertive.
If I don't keep a lid on my anger, Things can get ugly very quickly.
Remember when you ate that holiday cheese My grandma sent me? Nobody gets to eat my grandma's Yeah, that really harshed our open house.
I'm like the hulk, except instead of being created By gamma rays, I was created by an emotionally distant father And a mother who told me that god hates crybabies.
aah! what happened? It shocked me.
No biggie.
So this is your incubator-- a 100-watt bulb In a cardboard box filled with straw? You trying to hatch that egg or cremate it? they laughed at benjamin franklin When he invented lightning, but now it powers all our homes.
Look, I made us an incubator.
I carved it out of driftwood I found in malaysia And added volcanic black sand that I collected in iceland.
Yeah, well, does yours shock you lightly when you touch it And remind you of what a failure you are? Okay, I got the surgery for the bird.
She's all better.
Right, cookie? That's not cookie.
shut up.
It is too cookie.
No.
It's not.
Look at the hips on that thing.
Dude, I look more like cookie than that fatty.
So that was your plan, to try and pass Another bird off on lucy? No, my plan was to try to pass another bird off on everybody, But since that failed, Now it's just to try to pass her off on lucy.
Aw, you bought a friend for cookie? Well, actually, sweetie Yes.
I thought it would be a nice surprise for her When she gets out of her expensive surgery.
Okay.
Oh.
Oh! Um Uh, cat! Cat.
No, it's not cat.
Oh.
Whoa.
Oh, whoa, whoa.
Tiger! No, it has nothing to do with felines.
Just You know? oh.
it was "amistad.
" How on earth was that "amistad"? I was being a pirate, like, "arr" And then "Mistad," Like, "me stand up straight.
" Well, now that you explain it, I-I know it's not me.
okay.
I'm gonna go, um, put together some dessert.
Oh, no, no.
We don't need dessert.
Let's play again.
I-I'll do a cat! You wanna box? Sure, a box of what? Round one.
Oh, that kind of box.
Yeah.
Uh, no, randy.
I'm not in the mood for-- Randy, please.
randy, pl-- whoa.
no! You cannot treat me like this anymore, And I am very angry that you wheeled me around town Unconscious in a wagon! I am in my late 30s! You are a gigantic, thoughtless, Humongous, out-of-control, giant boy! Craig, what are you saying? I'm sorry, donna, but your son has no respect For other people or their need for oxygen Or which way joints bend.
Don't talk about randy like that.
I will talk about him like that, because it's the truth, And you need to know it, And I am being assertive about this, And I'm not losing my mind.
Wait.
No, I'm not.
There.
I hope you both enjoy dessert.
aah! Shoot! god! God! Well, that's $700 for the surgery, Plus $8 for cookie, Another $8 for fake cookie, $100 for the health insurance policy That they talked me into.
These eggs are gonna be very pricey.
Oh, we don't have to worry about eggs.
The surgery destroyed cookie's oviduct, So she'll be laying what the vet described As small, fetid pebbles.
So much for teachable moments.
Yeah.
Maybe lucy had a teachable moment for you instead.
What do you mean? Well, you learned that when it comes down to it, You'll do anything to make your daughter happy, And that is sweet.
Yeah.
I should be higher than her fifth favorite thing.
I'm gonna try to move up a notch or two.
What's three and four, anyway? Salt and purple.
Ooh.
Those are good.
Mm.
I gotta admit, for a chicken, that thing's pretty damn cute.
I can already tell I'm not gonna be able to say no to it.
did I miss it?! Did I miss it?! Damn it! Of course I did! Ohh! I built the death-trap incubator, And then grant delivers her In the safety of his malaysian volcano box.
He's better than me at everything.
That's not true, kenny.
I'm sure you're better at something than-- Hey, look.
Grant's crying.
This--this is just such a perfect moment.
I can cry.
I can cry as good as grant.
I can cry circles around him! Uh-oh.
I should go.