Melissa & Joey s01e08 Episode Script

Melissa and Joey is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
Don't get up! - Yeah? - Hi, I'm Stephanie Krause.
I'm Mel's new legislative assistant well, sorta new.
- I mean, I was an intern forever.
- Yeah, we've met.
You've been here, like eight times.
- People don't always remember me.
- Yeah.
Hi, I'm Stephanie Krause.
I'm Mel's new legislative assistant.
- Sure, I know.
- Stephanie.
- So what's on the agenda? - Remember how we talked this morning About getting you out into the community more? I got you some options.
- 5k run - No.
- 10k run - No times two.
- Pancake breakfast - Warmer.
- Singles' night dodgeball - What? Ops, sorry, that's mine And competing in a charity dance contest.
- Eh.
- What's "eh"? That sounds great.
If it's about getting your face out there, How would you rather be seen? In a smoking hot dress Or with a mouthful of pancakes? Honestly, on a skill level, I'm better at the pancake eating.
Let me see this thing.
Come on, this is gonna be cool.
"dancing with the stars Of Toledo.
" Can't I just be a judge or something? I'm really good at snarky comments.
Nice shirt.
Ha! See? Aunt Mel, the prize money goes to the charity of your choice.
You could totally do it for the inner-city at-risk teens I tutor.
- Oh, that's so nice.
- I'm a good person.
I made you do that.
Yeah, but I no longer resent you for it.
Please, aunt Mel.
This money could be life-changing for these kids.
Just for argument's sake, who would I be dancing with? Sanitation chief frankie zarnecki, A.
K.
A.
, the rumba King of Toledo.
You want me to dance with frankie zarnecki? He's gropey and he smells like doody.
So Yes? How did you get "yes" from that? Isn't there a some cocktail for kids where I can throw out the first olive? Please, do not throw out the dance contest.
- Just get another partner.
- Like who? All right, stop begging.
I'll do it.
Since when are you a dancer? Are you kidding me? I had extensive dance training for my wedding.
Oh? Where? At the dance-to-your- divorce academy Of the divorced? Just to let you know, My dance teacher told me that I was the best student she ever had.
Said I had the grace of a panther And the physique of an action star.
I can see that.
So the dance teacher selling you lessons said you were a natural? Unheard of.
Okay, Mel.
You're absolutely right.
I really don't know anything.
Oh my God! Do you want to go to singles' night dodgeball? So what do you say, aunt Mel? Fine.
I'll do it.
But somebody's making me pancakes.
It's just that history has nothing to do with my life.
Why do I have to do a stupid oral report on things that happened so long ago? American history is important, dude.
- What are you guys working on? - The 1980s.
The 1980s.
Seriously? The 1980s? That's history now? Yeah.
Hey, you were alive way back then.
What was it like? It was brutal, man, brutal.
We sat around the fire in our caves Just waiting for the cell phone to be invented.
- How did you text people? - You know, it was crazy.
Back then when we had meaningless information, We just kept it to ourselves.
Okay, I've got half an hour.
Half an hour? Didn't you get the schedule? I said we need six to seven hours a day minimum for the next week.
Yeah, 29 minutes.
All right, fine.
Whatever.
Stand up.
- Straighter.
- Jeez.
All right, you're gonna put one hand here And the other hand on my other shoulder.
- You mean touch you? - Can you believe it? And you're gonna lock your thumb underneath my armpit.
Not enough money in the world.
That's how it's done.
It's called the tango.
We need to lock elbows.
I'm not locking any of my body parts with yours.
Come on, you can do this.
I know I can.
I just don't want to.
All right.
One hand here - And my thumb there.
- Exactly.
And the man that would be me I put my hand right here.
- Don't laugh.
- Well, don't tickle me.
- I'm not tickling you.
- I'm ticklish there.
You're ticklish on your upper back? I'm ticklish in a lot of places I'm not gonna tell you about.
It's like giving away launch codes.
Well, I wouldn't want to accidentally set you off.
Look, you're gonna feel pressure against your hand And you're gonna go against that.
This is like two magnets Two magnets that are being repelled by each other.
So dancing with you is based on repulsion.
I am gonna be awesome at this.
You're so cute.
Really.
Yeah.
Awesome.
Okay, are you ready? I'm gonna move and you're gonna follow.
How does that feel? Good.
Really good.
I mean, in a dancing sort of way.
You see, the tango is all about passion.
The man leads and the woman follows Until they become One.
Okay, I think I need a break.
Huh.
Me too, yeah.
That was really kind of No, I totally feel the same way.
The problem here is let's face it That we have this chemistry that's just so - Fake.
- Yeah, I couldn't agree with you more.
Yeah.
No, but you know what? That's what we're up against here, - So we're just gonna have to sell it.
- Yeah.
Hey.
Oh! I got it! Okay.
You know those brother/sister dance teams? Yeah, creepy.
Mmm, so creepy.
But they do these passionate dances and people buy it.
- We could do that.
- Yeah.
Yeah, I could pretend to like you, brother Joe.
And I could pretend to have passion for you, sister Mel.
- It's still a little creepy.
- Yeah, but I can deal with it.
Oh! Thanks, Stephanie.
I know this isn't exactly what you signed on for.
No.
This is so much better than my old job.
I really don't want to hear about that.
Can you make the 4:00 sit-down with the city attorney? Oh, push it to 6:00.
Joe's got me rehearsing for hours.
All this for a dinky fundraiser.
Oh, by the way, amazing news Channel 8 called.
They're going to televise the whole thing live.
- What?! That's terrible news.
- What is terrible news? Oh, brother Joe, wait till you hear.
Our dance contest is going to be televised on channel 8.
- That's great.
- What if I trip? I'll end up the laughing stock of the greater Toledo area.
I'll end up a viral video.
Schoolchildren in Madrid will mock laughs me.
The balerina so ridiculous.
We're gonne be fine.
I need to look great! And you will For a starve Toledo.
We just not necessarily known as an international capital boolroom that.
This is how you inspire your student what a heart You are gonna be fantastic! - Was that so hard? - Wasn't easy.
Lunge, flick, flick.
Out, up, turn around.
Spin.
And drop.
How low can I go? - What the hell was that? - Yeah, I've been thinking.
This is gonna be on tv and I need to show all my strengths.
I'll never be the best at precision tango, but I can be the best at pizzazz tango.
That's not what we're doing here.
- Joe, I need to look good.
- Oh.
All right.
Well, then you know the pizzazzy thing you just did? Don't do that.
- But that's me.
- Well, hide you, because the judges, they don't really want to see you.
What they want to see is the tango according to the standards Of the worldwide ballroom federation.
Oh well, I don't want to piss off those guys.
They might send me to dance jail.
One of us is not really taking this seriously.
- Oh, and that's me? - Yeah, that's you.
- Now stand up.
We're gonna dance.
- Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa.
I think I know what this is about.
- Control.
- Oh my Yeah, you live in my house, you work for me - Technically I am freelance.
- Eh-beh-beh.
Look, you put up with a lot, And the one time you're put in a position where You actually know something, you just want to run the whole show.
Or maybe it's about someone who likes to call the shots at everything, Including the exact color of stripes in our toothpaste.
And now you're involved in a situation where somebody Actually knows a little bit more than you do.
Hey, stripes are important, okay? The green freshens and the white dazzles.
- Control freak! - Power-mad dance master! - Well, good luck with the dance, baby.
- Good luck with the ego! - What's for dinner?! - Fajitas! - I love those! - Me too! I can't believe it, Joe.
You just quit? You're not dancing in the fundraiser anymore? I didn't quit.
Your aunt and I had artistic differences.
I'm artistic and and she's nuts.
Okay.
Yeah, you knew that going in.
And come on, what about the at-risk kids? - Ey were counting on you guys.
- Well, you know, I'll buy them some scratch tickets And hope for the best.
What am I supposed to do? I don't know.
Act like an adult and apologize? - Be the bigger person? - Why do I have to be the bigger person? - Why can't she come talk to me? - Because she's being the smaller person.
Why can't we just be the same size for once? Come on.
You say you're sorry and she'll jump at it.
And you'll have scored major points for taking the high road.
All right, fine.
High road, here I come.
Thank you.
Oh, finally some good news.
Oh, you really came through for me, Stephanie.
I love working for you.
You are the only boss I've ever had where you pay me and that's it.
- Yes? - I hope I'm not interrupting anything.
I just I just wanted to say that, upon further thought, I may have let my own personal high standards For dance get in the way of our partnership.
So I'm here to tell you that I apol I apologize.
And I've decided I'm willing to come back And be your dance partner again.
Well, thank you for your apologizing.
And I may have gone a little far too.
So the brother/sister team is back on the road? - No.
- The sister is.
- Yeah, see, when you quit - wait, I did not quit.
- Well, when we parted ways - I just needed a break.
She got a new dance partner.
What? It it's been three hours.
Yeah, well, Stephanie made some calls and she got really lucky.
She got that Mark Ballas guy You know that cute guy from the real "dancing with the stars"? Well, it turns out he's in detroit doing a live show And he can come over on Saturday and dance with me at the fundraiser.
All I had to do was promise to name a street after him.
And there's already a Ballas boulevard.
Oh, I see.
Mark Ballas.
Yeah.
Did did he win last year? I don't think he did.
Oh, you stabbed me in the back with your fingernails.
Oh.
Now you know how Joe feels To be stabbed in the back By a person he trusted.
Okay, look, I feel bad for Joe, But we got Mark Ballas.
We don't have Mark Ballas! - Yet.
- Keep talking.
Keep glittering.
Keep calm.
Mark Ballas is caught in traffic And is somewhat delayed.
And by "somewhat," I mean a flat tire.
Sweating.
He swears he'll be here in time for the competition.
What if he's not? Schvitzing.
He will be here.
Yeah, but what if he's not and stuff? Drenched.
Aunt Mel, I think these are yours.
I can't believe I left my show boobs in the car.
Thanks, Ryder.
Don't worry.
Everything's gonna be okay.
If Ballas doesn't show, we've got the rumba King standing by.
Okay, he definitely didn't leave his boobs in the car.
Where is Ballas? You said he'd be here! I look around and I don't see him! Please stop worrying.
You're molting.
Wow, look at you! A dress made out of a flock of parrots.
Just wanna let you know there's a nice crowd out there tonight, So just relax - And have a good time, okay? - Look, Joe, You're a really great dancer.
You really do know the tango And I really do need someone who knows the tango, Because I I I see Mark Ballas! Oh, Mark, you made it! - I am so glad you're here.
- Me too.
So should we you know, a quick rehearsal? Get our tango on? Tango? I thought we were doing the waltz.
Oh, I'm just kidding.
Tango it is.
I love ballroom humor.
Look, Joe.
Joe, I'm really sorry About what happened between us and me bringing Mark in.
Look, it's fine.
No worries.
You traded up.
I would have done the same thing If I was, you know, you.
Come on, everybody, picture time.
Look good.
Easy for you, Mark Ballas.
- Great, get that shot.
- Wait wait, I can do better.
Watch.
Oh my God! Save Mark Ballas! Save Mark Ballas! It's the knee.
Wow, Joe, if Mark's knee's shot, Then you're gonna have to dance with Mel.
Wait wait, it's not my knee.
- Mel, is it bad? - Oh, I'm fine.
Never been better.
Oh! Oh, I could be better! - Oh, I could be so much better! - Come here.
Sit down.
Sit down.
Let me look at this.
Oh, that knee's starting to swell up.
- Oh! - Does this mean you can't dance? Oh hell no, I'm gonna dance.
Yeah, dance through the pain for the kids.
Right, Lennox? Oh! I don't know, aunt Mel.
That does look pretty bad.
Hang on a second.
If I don't dance, I still get I still get Ballas boulevard, right? Oh.
Oh, you're going to dance tonight, Mark.
The cause will go on just with one little substitution.
- Stephanie? - Oh my God! Oh my God, oh my God! Go tell the announcer that Mark is going to dance with Joe.
Wait wait a minute, wait a minute.
What? You know the steps, don't you? Know the steps? I mean I live the steps.
Look, Joe, I am genuinely sorry for what I said, okay? You were right.
I am a control freak.
I was clearly bothered by what you said, That you know so much more about this - And I was so lost.
- I was just trying to help you out, Mel.
Then do this for me.
Please.
Fine.
I'll do it.
But only if I can lead.
Okay.
And now dancing for the St.
Eligius Afterschool all-stars tutoring program: Special guest the electrifying Mark Ballas.
And dancing with Mark his lovely whoo.
Joe Longo.
This may have been a deeply tragic mistake.
Shut up.
This is why I don't watch showtime.
Mark Ballas and Joe Longo! So if the judges have regained their collective composure, Let's see what they have to say.
That's a nine! And a nine.
And a nine Hundred and ten! That's the highest score in the history of dance! That's my nanny! Oh! Oh! Hospital! Hospital.
Come on, take it easy now.
We're home! - Are the pain meds kicking in yet? - No.
When are we gonna get home? Oh, what a night.
Joe! Joe, you should have been there.
I know.
Yeah yeah.
They gave your aunt some serious pain medications.
- Got it.
- Lennox.
Lennox, you should have seen it.
Joe saved the day.
- Oh.
- Yeah and, Ryder where's Ryder? Ryder! Ryder! Ahem.
Right here in front of you.
Oh, I've missed you so much, child.
I've missed you so much.
Why is she talking like an old southern woman? It's the pain meds.
Look at that: "side effects include nausea, dizziness, And sounding like reba mcentire.
" Oh, I so wanted to dance tonight.
It's okay, aunt Mel.
You'll get 'em next time.
Oh, but I wanted to dance for you, Lennox, And the kid-zzzzzzzzz.
I got it! Yeah, maybe you should sit down.
Oh, you're a dear, Sweet girl.
Yes, you are.
- Yes, you are.
- Okay, all right, all right.
You know what, Mel? We're gonna go upstairs now.
- Okay? Come on.
Upstairs.
- Okay.
- Here we go.
- Oh, Joe, Joe! - Yeah? - Joe! What are you doing? What are you doing? Let's show these kids what dancing's really about.
- No no no no no.
- Right now.
- Yeah.
- Mel, Mel, Mel.
No way, not on that knee.
Absolutely not.
Joe, where we're going, we don't need knees.
She's lost her mind.
She looks totally ridiculous.
I know.
And soon The whole world will know too.
All right, guys.
Look, you get your aunt.
I'm going to grab some pillows and sheets.
She's gonna sleep on the couch tonight.
Let's go, chop chop.
Aunt Mel, let's give your partner a rest.
Were you dreaming about dancing with Mark Ballas? Oh, yeah yeah, Mark Ballas.
Yeah, that's who.
Oh, sleepy.
Oh hey, Mel, Lennox is in there tutoring those inner-city at-risk kids The ones that we won the prize money for.
Really? Oh, I'd love to say hello.
Sure.
Hey, guys! These kids are at risk of what, becoming models? Mel, isn't it great the way that Lennox just loves to selflessly give back to the community? Sorry, we totally took over the kitchen.
- We can just move this upstairs to my bedroom - No no no! You sit.
You stay right there.
You don't move.
Okay? We don't want you at risk too.
Don't let them out of your sight.
Don't mind me, fellas.
I've just got a little work to do over here.
I tell you, one of the best things I ever did was go to culinary school while I was in prison.