Men in Trees s01e08 Episode Script

I just don't wanna see him get hurt.
They found the plane.
- What plane? - My father'S.
- Hal was not your father.
- Then who is? - I can't tell you that.
- I wanna know who my dad is! If you want,I could fly you out to the crash site.
I always sneeze in sevens.
- Same with my father, same with my grandfather.
- Me,too.
Always in sevens.
oh,look at this little lady.
I think she's the one.
- She can handle 20 hams or 96 chickens or 100 pounds of ribs.
- Nice! She's the lamborghini of low and slow.
We get it,jerome.
You're gonna get a new grill.
- It's not a grill.
It's a smoker.
- Whatever.
Marin,are you okay? - I hate my hair today.
- Oh.
- Oh,okay.
- Wait.
Seriously,you can get that crabby about your hair? - yes.
- Totally! If your hair is off,it can totally throw you off your game.
So you're gonna let your head tell you how you feel? That is why it's called a bad hair day,my friend.
I've had entire bad hair years -'89 to '91.
Yeah,you know what I remember about y2k? - How everybody stockpiled soup? - Bad bangs.
- Well,you look fine to me.
- Oh,thanks.
You're also drunk.
- so go get a haircut.
- The only person I trust to cut my hair is serge and he's 4,000 miles away he's been doing me for ten years- longest relationship I have ever had.
- Seriously? - Yeah,I'd trust him with my life.
- Hey,jack.
- Hey.
Oh! Jack! You notice my hair, right? Yeah,notice what? Well,think back to how I first arrived in elmo.
Okay.
- Now look at me.
- Okay.
- Notice any difference? - Jack,don't answer that.
I smell a trap.
Um I don't know,coach.
U always look good to me.
good answer.
Well,I'm a mess.
- I need a maintenance day.
- So do I! - Wait.
Are we still talking about hair or cars? - No,we're talking about the whole package.
Back home,I would have a maintenance day every six weeks-new haircut, mani-pedi,a facial.
- I have completely forgotten to take care of myself.
- Yeah,well, it happens up here.
What is the big deal about how you look here? I mean, take a look around you.
Yeah,you know what I see? A lot of unruly facial hair.
- whoa.
Did you feel that? - What did you feel? It felt like,uh, the earth moving.
Oh,yeah.
Earth moves all the time up here.
Oh,well well,last year alone,there were over 17,000 earthquakes located in alaska.
- I sit in an office all day, so I read.
- you get used to it.
- It gets so you don't even feel the tremors anymore.
- Yeah,I don't think so.
Closest thing we have to it in new york is the rumble of the 7 train.
Well,or when crazy people come up to you in the street and shake you.
Happens.
- Like earthquakes.
- Or bad hair.
ha ha ha.
Okay,go ahead,laugh.
- Just don't complain when my hair looks like a mop.
- Got it.
What,are you saying my hair looks like a mop? Oh,I told you it was a trap.
Patrick! Where - where were you last night? Thinking.
Uh,you're gonna want to sit down for this.
Patrick,what is it? I think buzz is my dad.
- What? - We were at the crash site and we both sneezed seven times, - and I've known anyone to do that but me- - patrick,that'S is that possible? Patrick! What a nice surprise.
Is buzz my dad? Wait,what - is who your what now? I - I'm gonna go,uh, file in jack's office.
You heard me,mom.
- is patrick my son? - I'm two steps ahead of ya.
Yes,buzz, you are patrick's father and vice versa,you know or whatever.
Good lord.
Huge.
- But boy's the color of- - cottage cheese.
I know.
Trust me,it's possible.
Mendel's laws of inheritance.
If you have a dominant allele, then you- please,do I have to explain all this? You could just go online and google it.
- So you and buzz,you guys - together only once.
- One night.
- Things had been wrong between hal and myself for a while.
- It's still cheating.
You cheated on my dad.
Sorry,old dad or - fake old dad.
I- - one time.
We only had the one night.
- We were drunk.
- It only takes one night and I wasn't sleeping with hal or anyone else.
- Good lord.
- Buzz was one of my only friends.
You lend a friend dvds.
You don't lend them your sex! I feel awful.
How do you think I feel? My son has been living right down the block.
And I've been living with a woman I thought I could trust for 26 years! How could you not tell me? Well,when I got pregnant, I was scared and confused and.
Ll,then hal disappeared, and I was scared, confused and alone.
- You know,I- I did.
- I kept telling myself that I would say something when the time was right.
In 26 years, the time never felt right? I tried to be - be a good mother to you.
Are you done? - I'm done.
- Then let me just say this.
You are a terrible mother.
and you couldn't tell me? chief celia? Are you okay? No.
No,I'm not.
hey.
Hey.
It's-it's crazy,huh? Pretty much.
Well,uh,okay,I well,see you then.
I- I could- uh,listen,patrick, you're a stylish cat.
Do you know,uh,where i can go to get a haircut? Here.
- What's this? - Coupon.
"Terri's hair emporium"? - It's a sponsor.
- I don't like hair places that use coupons - and I am not such a big fan of the "emporium.
" - Sorry,that's all we have up here is an emporium and lies.
- Are you okay? - yeah.
No.
I don't know.
No,I'm not okay.
Buzz is my dad.
- -Wait,what? - My mom just confirmed it.
- I mean,it's been confirmed.
- But you two are so- I know! Apparently ebony plus ivory can make me.
okay.
Congratulations.
But this is good,right? It should be.
But now I feel like I never really knew my mom and I have no idea how buzz feels because he won't say more than two words to me.
I'm an emotional salad right now.
You are both good guys.
You will work this out.
Maybe.
You know what would be great? - Is if we had some help- some professional relationship coach-style help.
- Oh patrick,I don't know.
I coached people on dating.
Well,I mean,that's what we're doing,right? Buzz and I - we're getting to know each other,starting to date.
You know,but without the bicycle built for two and the pi? coladas.
Please? Well,okay,I'll try it.
You and buzz are two of my favorite elmo-ites, after all.
Oh, that would be spectacular.
oh,and it's "elmoians.
" you're on.
Hello,elmoians.
You know, I have been feeling these little earthquakes all day.
Every couple of minutes, I feel like the rug is being pulled out from under me.
Now you guys say that I'll get used to it but I don't know how I can.
What I wanna know is, how do you get used to living on shaky ground? "a deteriorating level of consciousness "vomiting,unequal pupils, seizures "and widening pulse pressures are signs of "'a' - brain damage, "'b' - increased intracranial pressure - 'c'- epilepsy,or'd'- " - I don't know,"a"? - Damn it,woman,it's "B.
" - You've only gone over this about a hundred times.
- Right,"B.
" - Can we take a study break? - What's the matter? - ou knew this yesterday.
- I don't know.
Maybe I'm just tired.
- No big deal.
Look,after your E.
M.
S.
Exam, you can rest all you want.
No,I can't,actually.
Ben,this test is just the first step.
If I pass this, then there are more classes.
I've got my son to worry about,plus work.
I don't know.
Maybe this just isn't the right time for all this.
Jerome? You wanna give us a minute? Go shoot a game of pool or somethin'.
There's no one to shoot pool with.
You have a new friend.
hey there,little buddy.
What if you didn't have to work anymore? What do you mean? Sara,I really like you.
I like you,too.
I don't want you sleeping with other guys anymore.
- Oh.
- Okay? Why don't you let me cover things for you financially while you're taking these classes? Ben - now hold on.
I know that you can take care of yourself.
I know that.
But neitheone of us likes you taking care of yourself the way you've been taking care of yourself.
All right? So let me pay your way while you study.
It sounds like an allowance.
No,you can pay me back later.
We'll call it a loan.
I have the money, and I'm making an investment in you.
Okay.
- I can't believe I'm doing this.
- Ah,come on, was that so hard? Mai.
- What are you doing here? - You forgot your lunch.
Oh,thanks,baby.
- you know I love you, right? - Don't get excited.
It's just peanut butter and jelly.
No,no,I don't mean just the sandwich.
You're my little mai tai, and I love you very much.
What did you do now? - Are you betting on college ball again? - Oh,no.
Look,mai,um I don'know how to say this, so I'm just gonna come right out with it.
- You-you know chief celia? - Yeah? - Uh,well, we slept together over- - I knew it! You're banging lady law and disgracing our union! - You son of a bitch! - No,mai! It-it was a long time ago, over 20-some odd years ago.
- It-once.
We slept together once.
- I don't believe you.
I don't believe you.
Nobody sleeps with you once.
no,I swear.
It was a long time ago,mai.
You know her son patrick? - Sweet boy.
- He's my son.
What?! Are you sure?! She-she's gotta be lying.
She's not lying about this,mai.
You're a baby daddy.
I just found out this morning.
Uh,how mad are you? hmm? - Hey,sara.
- Carl,hi.
I was,uh,at the inn looking for you earlier.
- Oh,I've been here all day studying.
- Oh,good for you.
Uh,listen,maybe you could take a little time-out? - We could go somewhere - I don't think so,carl.
I'm sorry.
Actually,carl,I think I'm out of the hospitality business.
what about us? What are we gonna do?Who's gonna "hospitality" us? Can't you guys "hospitality" yourselves? Look,guys, I'm-I'm sorry.
Buzz.
Hi.
- Hi,marin.
- Hi.
Patrick.
Oh,buzz,please sit down? Um patrick told me about your situation.
- You've been telling people? - Well,just marin um,maybe annie, and in my head, I wrote a letter to "dear abby.
" - Marin's gonna help us.
- Yeah.
- You two are going to actually have to talk.
- Yeah.
- Right.
You're exploring a new relationship, uncharted territory and it's like a forest.
Now what kind of system do we use when we are exploring uncharted territory? - G.
P.
S.
- Stop,drop and roll.
- we use the buddy system.
- Buddy system.
I was totally gonna say that.
You two are gonna have to rely on each other.
When one of you can't say anything, the other one has to jump in eventually it will get easier.
One of you has to start.
Buzz, you are patrick's father.
Are you ashamed of me? I'm not sure I'm ready for this to get out to the world.
- I'm not even sure how I feel about it yet.
- Well,not everything becomes public knowledge,buzz.
You guys hear about sara? She stopped turning tricks.
Ben's putting up the scratch so she can concentrate on her new career.
I'm sorry, you're a nice kid,but I can't do this.
Where you going? I need some time to think.
- I-I need to be alone.
I - buzz.
I'm going up to my cabin.
I'm sorry.
I had a father for one day, - and he's already abandoned me.
- He's struggling.
It has nothing to do with you.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
But maybe he needs to be pushed a little.
You might have to go up to his cabin,make him talk.
We are going to have a conversation.
You can at least do me that decency.
I am your mother and your chief of police.
- All right, I'm-I'm gonna leave- - all right,just stay.
okay.
- Tell my son I am sorry.
- Celia,he's right here.
- Tell him! Patrick,um,celia is sorry.
O kay? We good? You couldn't coach a man out of a burning building.
Seriously? No one felt that? - can I help you? - Oh,yes,hi,uh, we're here to see terri.
- Guilty as charged.
- Oh! - We thought you'd be- - tanner? - My bed broke last week.
- uh,no,um,a woman.
Honey,this is elmo.
- I'm as close to a woman as it gets.
- I've never met a male terri.
Well, I prefer "terrence," - but that's much too butch for an emporium.
- Mm.
- Hmm.
You girls look as sad as the end of "the way we were.
" - I just saw it again.
- Finally,someone notices this yarn barn on my head.
Mmm,let me see if I can help stop the bleeding.
Follow me.
- can I just say wh a big fan of your radio show I am? - You may.
Can I say how lucky I am to have found you? - You may.
- I thought I was gonna have to cut my own hair.
Or go to a barbershop.
Why not just join the army,mare? - can I call you "mare"? - Of course.
I'm gonna go out on a limb,terr and guess I'm as new york as the statue of liberty, - but less of a queen.
- Mm-hmm.
What are you doing here? I was on this alternative lifestyle cruise ship thing with my partner- - he who shall remain nameless - meow.
And we were halfway out of port and I walk in on him and the ship's purser.
so I walked away as soon as I could-which was elmo- - and I fell in love with the place.
- You fell in love with all the men.
yeah,well, sure,that helps.
But what really hooked me was the water, the mountains, the trees,the what can I say? I love the crap out of nature.
you didn't feel that,did you? Oh,you're a tremor virgin, aren't ya? - Well- - I don't think they're tremors.
- Well,what are they then? - I think it's your heart.
- It's aflutter over jack.
- Oh - jack slattery? - Uh,he's a friend.
- Jack slattery? That's a head of hair I'd like to untangle.
I just think the two of you are so good together.
- There's an undeniable connection between you.
Undeniable.
- Really? No,there is no connection.
There's an attraction, obviously.
I mean,the man looks like a young paul newman.
I'd fall into those cool hands luke.
People,I am not falling into any man's hands.
I'm not feeling very trusting of men right now.
You're excluded,terr.
- Thanks,mare.
- Mm-hmm.
what was that? - Oh! - What? I think that's still supposed to be on my head.
- Oh,mare.
- Oh,terr.
- Where are we going? - Hold on.
- I've seen your house before.
- Yeah.
- Surprise.
- What's this? This is your office/study room, if you want it.
You need a place to study.
You're not at the inn anymore and the chieftain's pretty noisy,so ben, you're doing too much.
But you like it, and you wanna use it? - Of course I like it.
I love it.
- So use it.
Enjoy it.
Who knows? You might get comfy.
I'm sorry.
I'm-I'm totally rushing things.
I'm an idiot.
I'm just happy.
I like being happy.
you're being sweet.
It's just no one's ever done this much for me before.
- What? - I-I've never been given this much of a chance to make a real change.
Well,I believe in you.
Get used to it.
Look here's the key.
All right? I promise not to lock you up in here.
it's gonna be great.
- Marin,it really doesn't look that bad.
- Uh-huh,easy for you to say, miss glamour-puss.
- hey, how you doing,coach? - Oh What's with the hat? Let's just get this over with.
- well? - Well,what? - Does anyone notice anything in this town? - Oh,you got a haircut.
- Looking good,champ.
- Yeah.
- yep.
I do not look good.
I am deformed! - Ooh! - Yeah,you see it,right? Yeah,yeah,it kinda jumps out at you.
What happened? I am an earthquake-related tragedy.
- Terri was cutting her hair when the last one hit.
- Couldn't he fix it? What,you think I'm gonna trust him again with my hair? Fool me once, shame on you.
- Fool me twice,ha ha ha, I'm missing half my head.
- I can fix it,you know- your hair.
- Right.
You cut hair? - Yeah,I put myself through school grooming dogs.
I saw the same problem as yours once on a border collie.
Did you just compare me to lassie? - uh,look,I can help.
Just say the word.
- The word is no.
You're insane if you think I'm trusting you around my head with a pair of scissors.
- felt that one.
- me,too.
Yeah,that was a big one.
I barely felt a thing.
- what the- - I'm your son, and you're my dad and we're gonna talk about this.
- You want a whiskey? - Well,I'm more of a hard cider guy.
I like cider,too with whiskey in it.
I brought something.
It's a memory box.
I know it's kind of lame, but I've been keeping it since forever.
It's full of stuff I've always wanted to show my dad if I ever saw him.
I made that summer of third grade.
Camp yukatat.
um - patrick,I-I don't think I'm ready for the memory box.
- Just give it a try.
Here,uh oh,you're gonna love this.
remember that? Uh,this was a bad idea.
I - I think you oughta go back.
What about the buddy system? Patrick,we're not buddies.
I don't know what we are,man.
uh,what's that? oh,my god,I think it's an avalanche! Good morning,everyone, and welcome to the exam for E.
M.
T.
Basic.
My name is june.
I'll be your test administrator, and this is buddy.
You'll be performing basic C.
P.
R.
On him.
When you're up here, you're to treat buddy as though he were an actual living person.
Remember, he's counting on you.
Sara.
Well,this is a surprise.
Hi,june.
You're not working today? I can't do this.
Jerome lonnie annie M.
Frist what are you doing? That quake earlier was over a 5.
0.
I have to conduct a head count, make sure everyone in town is accounted for.
- Have you seen patrick? - He went to talk to buzz.
Marin told him to.
- Okay,where's buzz? - Uh,his cabin? - Mount accokeek? - What? The earthquake triggered an avalanche on that mountain.
What? - this is bad.
- tell me about it.
Well,how deep do you think we're in? It's packed pretty good over the doorjamb and there's 2 feet over the roof,at least.
- Crap! - Aw,man! You all right? I - I'm not gonna lie to you.
I'm claustrophobic as all hell.
- How? You fly in a tiny plane.
- Yeah,surrounded by the wild blue yonder.
you know what relaxes me? Huh? Here's the situation, people- two of our own were up on mount accokeek when the avalanche occurred and my son might be up there.
At least he's with his dad.
- oops.
- This is your fault.
- You made him run.
I didn't make him do anything.
- I was just trying to help.
- Why don't you ever just try minding your own business? Now my boy is lost up there.
He could be dead.
Here's what's gonna happen.
First,we are gonna mobilize.
- Anyone who's able is gonna climb mount accokeek and find patrick and buzz,right? - right.
Now starting at the base, you'll fan out in teams of two, climbing the mountain and you will probe the snow with these.
Let's pair up and hit the mountain.
Now people less experienced should partner with someone - who knows their way around up there.
- Jack,take me with you.
- No,I can'T.
Too dangerous.
- No,no, this is all on me.
- What? - They're right.
If I hadn't gotten involved, buzz never would've taken off and patrick wouldn't have gone after him.
- Look,don't listen to them.
- Take me with you,please.
Please.
Okay,let's go.
Hurry up! Sorry.
Nerves.
- Tie yourself up.
- What? No,I'm not tying myself to you.
- Them's the rules.
What if I trip and fall and take you with me? We're going down together.
There could be an aftershock, another snowslide.
I'm keeping an eye on you.
I should've let him enjoy his P.
B.
And J.
it wasn't his fault.
This is your fault.
- You're the one who can't control yourself.
- no,we're not gonna do this.
- We're not gonna play the blame game.
- Well,she's right.
She's right.
They're in this mess because of me,because of my lies.
I wish I'd never slept with buzz.
If you hadn't slept with buzz, you wouldn't have patrick, - and you wouldn't want that,right? - No,never.
He's all I have.
- I'm an idiot.
- No, you're not.
- Why do I stick my nose in everyone else's business? - Well,people come to expect that from you.
- Oh,that came out wrong.
- It did.
I can't believe that buzz is patrick's dad.
I can't imagine having a son.
I mean,I can imagine having a son,just not like this.
So you want kids someday? Yeah,I do.
You? I always thought I would.
Yeah,having a family is important to me.
- It's kind of a deal breaker.
- Deal breaker? Really? Has it ever actually broken a deal? Is that what happened to you and lynn? Poking.
Right,sorry.
Hey,I see something - something shiny.
It's probably just the sunlight on the snow.
Well,what if it's buzz and patrick? Come on! Aah! Aah! wait,wait! Stop,stop,stop! I can't do this.
- You can't give up.
- Why not? If there's another tremor or aftershk these rocks could dislodge, and the floor could give out from under me.
This is why people shouldn't be tied to me.
They end up buried in an avalanche or dying in a hole.
Listen,I'm not big on being tied to someone either, but we're tied together, so that's how it goes.
So what's it gonna be? And this is from halloween when I was 8.
- I was the human box.
- nice chicken legs.
- What's that? - Nice chicken legs.
Thank you.
Yeah,this photo always made me laugh.
Now I look at it, and all I can think is "she knew you were my dad.
" Don't be so hard on your mom.
She did what she thought was right.
Did she think it was right to cheat on her husband? I'm to blame here,too.
We both made a mistake.
So I'm the mistake? Patrick,you're a lot of things, but a mistake isn't one of them.
Basically,i the product of a drunken one-night stand you barely remember.
I remember.
Your mom-she's got this way of smiling when she's talking, like she'S - talking through a laugh.
- Yeah.
- I always loved that.
- Yeah.
After a while, things with hal went bad,and she stopped smiling.
And one afternoon when he was away, we got to talking and I heard that sound again in-in her voice,and it just kind of happened.
And you were drunk? We weren't drunk.
Uh,ben's not here.
He's on the mountain with the others.
I know.
Could you give this to him when you see him? You're breaking up with him in a letter? You don't know what's in there.
I don't have to see what's in there.
I can see it all over your face.
it's not him.
It's me.
I'm not ready for all this change.
Ben is a great guy,sara.
Don't do this.
Could you just see that he gets that? - you have the rope wrapped around the tree? - I'm wrapped around the tree.
- Now anchor yourself.
- I'm anchored.
Hold on! Is it working? Just keep climbing! - we did it.
- you did it.
- People are looking for us.
Right,buzz? - Oh,yeah.
They're looking for us.
- what are you doing? - Writing a letter to annie and my mom.
They'll each want their own letter.
Give me a piece of paper.
You got another pencil? Here.
Who's george? - You-you reading my letter? - On my paper with my pencil.
So who is he? He's,um, george is my son.
My-my-my other son.
What?! I had a family back in detroit.
I have a brother? He was just a baby when I left.
And-what,you bailed? I wanted to fly.
I knew I could do that here in elmo.
I figured I'd send for them later,and it never happened.
I send checks.
Doesn't make me father of the year.
So you ran from him, and you tried running from me.
I'm a runner.
Whoa.
Could you pass that whiskey? Ha! This is heavy.
- The only other person that knows about this is your mom.
- Wow,she keeps a lot of secrets.
Well,she probably kept this one for all the right reasons.
She figured I'd probably run again.
Yeah,would you have? Let's,uh, finish our letters.
oh,boy.
Looks like the beginning of the end.
So this is how old buzz is gonna go out.
- There's gotta be some batteries somewhere in this junk.
- Don't call my stuff junk.
what happened? What's going on? Sorry,I broke some of your fishing poles.
Damn,man.
I had some of those since I was a kid.
I guess I won't need 'em where I'm going.
Now that one used to belong to my dad.
If we get out of here, you can-you can have it.
Why'd you do that?! 'Cause we got too much to live for and I'm gonna get us out of here.
Here,now break the rest of these.
Do it.
- Help! - Buzz! - Patrick! - hey! - Patrick! Buzz! Hello! Yeah,yeah,we got 'em.
Yeah,they're okay, but we're gonna need some help digging them out.
- they found them! - oh! - buzz! - Hey,marin! - hey! mai! you straightened your hair.
I like it.
I have a brother,too.
I know.
Then he starts breaking my favorite fishing pole.
Here I am thinking,"I just found out this is my son and now I have to kill him.
" do you know how close you came to dying? Well,I figured the avalanche was already gonna do me in, so I took my chances with you.
well,you came after me.
You saved my life.
Little did I know I had a genius for a son.
A damn genius for a son.
ahh.
I'm sorry,ben.
You knew about this? She asked me to see that you got it.
And you let her go? - I can't believe I'm letting you cut my hair.
- It's gonna be fine.
Okay,now put your head back.
- Wow,you're gonna wash it,too? - Oh,yeah.
It's full-service.
it's hard,you know to trust someone.
Well,I promise I'll drop the scissors if there's the slightest tremor it's not just the hair.
It's hard for me to trust a man with anything.
Trust is a two-way street.
Up on the mountain, I had to trust you.
If I had to do it all over again, there's no one else I'd rather be tied to.
That's sweet.
so,uh - "cool hand luke" or "hombre"? - Excuse me? Well,which,uh,version of the young paul newman do I look like? - did annie tell you that? - Terri.
- It's a small town,remember? - I can't believe terri told you.
He's my hair person.
He's supposed to be my confidant.
Well, I'm your hairdresser now.
Here,come on, put your head back.
Is that too hot? It's perfect.
there's no such thing as steady ground.
That's why the buddy system exists.
It's important to find people you can trust someone you know will pull you out of whatever hole you fall into.
You can throw a line out to anyone but it's up to them to catch it and hold on.
in the end you have to let yourself be tied to someone else.
It's the only way we'll make it.