Monty Python's Flying Circus (1969) s01e08 Episode Script
Full Frontal Nudity
1 HMM HMM (moaning softly) (audience laughter) (slurping) (laughter) IT'S MONTY PYTHON'S FLYING CIRCUS.
(Sousa's "Liberty Bell March" playing) U.
S.
DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION and A&E TELEVISION NETWORKS.]
(music ends with a whoosh) (laughter) SPEAKING AS A PUBLIC OPINION POLL I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF THE PERMISSIVE SOCIETY.
I HAVEN'T HAD ENOUGH OF THE PERMISSIVE SOCIETY.
(laughter) I WOULD NOT APPEAR IN A FRONTAL NUDE SCENE UNLESS IT WAS VALID.
Announcer: IN 1943, A GROUP OF BRITISH ARMY OFFICERS WORKING DEEP BEHIND ENEMY LINES CARRIED OUT ONE OF THE MOS DANGEROUS AND HEROIC RAIDS IN THE HISTORY OF WARFARE.
BUT THAT'S AS MAY BE.
AND NOW (knock at door) COME IN.
WHAT DO YOU WANT? I'D LIKE TO LEAVE THE ARMY, PLEASE, SIR.
GOOD HEAVENS, MAN, WHY? IT'S DANGEROUS.
WHAT? THERE ARE PEOPLE WITH GUNS OUT THERE, SIR.
WHAT? REAL GUNS, SIR, NOT TOY ONES, SIR.
PROPER ONES, SIR.
THEY'VE ALL GOT 'EM, ALL OF 'EM, SIR.
AND SOME OF 'EM HAVE GOT TANKS.
WATKINS, THEY ARE ON OUR SIDE.
AND GRENADES, SIR, AND MACHINE GUNS, SIR.
SO I'D LIKE TO LEAVE, SIR, BEFORE I GET KILLED, PLEASE.
(laughter) WATKINS, YOU'VE ONLY BEEN IN THE ARMY A DAY.
I KNOW, SIR, BUT PEOPLE GE KILLED, PROPERLY DEAD, SIR NO BARLEY, CROSS FINGERS, SIR.
(laughter) A BLOKE WAS TELLING ME IF YOU'RE IN THE ARMY AND THERE'S A WAR YOU HAVE TO GO AND FIGHT.
THAT'S TRUE.
WELL, I MEAN BLIMEY I MEAN, IF I WAS A BIG WAR SOMEBODY COULD BE HURT.
WATKINS, WHY DID YOU JOIN THE ARMY? FOR THE WATER-SKIING AND FOR THE TRAVEL, SIR.
(laughter) AND NOT FOR THE KILLING, SIR.
I ASKED THEM TO PUT I ON MY FORM, SIR "NO KILLING.
" WATKINS, ARE YOU A PACIFIST? NO, SIR, I'M NOT A PACIFIST, SIR, I'M A COWARD.
(laughter) THAT'S A VERY SILLY LINE.
SIT DOWN.
YES, SIR, IT'S SILLY, SIR.
AWFULLY BAD.
(shouting): TWO CIVILIAN GENTLEMEN TO SEE YOU, SIR! SHOW THEM IN, PLEASE, SERGEANT.
MR.
DINO VERCOTTI AND MR.
LUIGI VERCOTTI! GOOD MORNING, COLONEL.
GOOD MORNING, GENTLEMEN.
NOW, WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU? YOU'VE, UH YOU'VE GOT A NICE ARMY BASE HERE, COLONEL.
YES.
WE WOULDN'T WANT ANYTHING TO HAPPEN TO IT.
(laughter) WHAT? OH, NO, WHA MY BROTHER MEANS IS IT WOULD BE A SHAME IF, UH OH, SORRY, COLONEL.
WELL, DON'T WORRY ABOUT THAT, BUT PLEASE DO SIT DOWN.
NO, WE PREFER TO STAND, THANK YOU, COLONEL.
ALL RIGHT, BUT WHAT DO YOU WANT? OH, WHAT DO WE WANT? (both shamming laughter) VERY GOOD, COLONEL.
ALWAYS THE JOKER, LUIGI.
EXPLAIN IT TO THE COLONEL, DINO.
HOW MANY TANKS YOU GOT, COLONEL? ABOUT 500 ALTOGETHER.
500, EH? YOU OUGHT TO BE CAREFUL, COLONEL.
WE ARE CAREFUL, EXTREMELY CAREFUL.
'CAUSE THINGS BREAK, DON'T THEY? BREAK? WELL, EVERYTHING BREAKS, DON'T IT, COLONEL? OH, DEAR.
OH, SEE, MY BROTHER'S CLUMSY, COLONEL AND WHEN HE GETS UNHAPPY HE BREAKS THINGS.
LIKE, SAY HE DON'T FEEL THE ARMY'S PLAYING FAIR BY HIM HE MAY STAR BREAKING THINGS, COLONEL.
WHAT IS ALL THIS ABOUT? HOW MANY MEN YOU GOT HERE, COLONEL? OH, UH 7,000 INFANTRY, 600 ARTILLERY AND, UH TWO DIVISIONS OF PARATROOPS.
PARATROOPS, DINO.
IT'D BE A SHAME IF SOMEONE WAS TO SET FIRE TO THEM.
SET FIRE TO THEM? FIRES HAPPEN, COLONEL.
THINGS BURN.
LOOK, WHAT IS ALL THIS ABOUT? MY BROTHER AND I HAVE GO A LITTLE PROPOSITION FOR YOU, COLONEL.
COULD SAVE YOU A LOT OF BOTHER.
YOU'RE DOING ALL RIGHT HERE AREN'T YOU, COLONEL? WELL, SUPPOSE SOME OF YOUR TANKS WAS TO GET BROKEN OR TROOPS STARTED GETTING LOST, UH FIGHTS STARTED BREAKING OU DURING GENERAL INSPECTION, LIKE? IT WOULDN'T BE GOOD FOR BUSINESS WOULD IT, COLONEL? ARE YOU THREATENING ME? Both: OH, NO, NO, NO.
WHATEVER MADE YOU THINK THAT, COLONEL? THE COLONEL DOESN'T THINK WE'RE NICE PEOPLE, LUIGI.
WE'RE YOUR BUDDIES, COLONEL.
WE WAN TO LOOK AFTER YOU.
LOOK AFTER ME? WE CAN GUARANTEE YOU THAT NOT A SINGLE ARMORED DIVISION WILL GET DONE OVER FOR 15 BOB A WEEK.
NO, NO 12 AND SIX? NO, NO EIGHT AND SIX? NO, NO FIVE BOB? NO, NO, THIS IS SILLY.
WHAT'S SILLY? NO, THE WHOLE PREMISE IS SILLY AND IT'S VERY BADLY WRITTEN.
I'M THE SENIOR OFFICER HERE AND I HAVEN'T HAD A FUNNY LINE YE SO I'M STOPPING IT.
YOU CAN' DO THAT! I'VE DONE IT.
THE SKETCH IS OVER.
I WANT TO LEAVE THE ARMY PLEASE, SIR, IT'S DANGEROUS.
LOOK, I STOPPED YOUR SKETCH FIVE MINUTES AGO, SO GET OUT OF SHOT.
RIGHT, DIRECTOR! CLOSE UP.
ZOOM IN ON ME.
(laughter) THAT'S BETTER.
IT'S ONLY 'CAUSE YOU COULDN' THINK OF A PUNCH LINE.
NOT TRUE, NOT TRUE.
IT'S TIME FOR THE CARTOON.
CUE TELECINE TEN, NINE, EIGHT OUR GENERAL PUBLIC'S NOT GOING TO UNDERSTAND THIS, ARE THEY? SHUT UP, YOU EYETIES! (humming vaguely) (continues humming) (chuckling lewdly) (audience laughter) Old man: OOH, WHAT THE DEVIL'S GOING ON HERE? HEY! HEY, WHAT'S GOING WHAT'S HAPPENING HERE? HEY, WAIT A MINUTE.
HEY, OH, HEY, STOP THAT! (grumbling) (drum roll playing) WELL, LADIES AND GENTS HERE IT IS, THE SHOW YOU'VE BEEN WANKING FOR THE SHOW YOU'VE HEARD SO MUCH ABOUT.
THIS IS THE SHOW THAT GIVES YOU WHAT YOU WAN THE WAY YOU LIKE IT.
SO MOVE RIGHT UP FRON FOR "FULL FRONTAL NUDITY.
" (lone clapping) (horn fanfare playing) ("The Most Beautiful Girl in the World"playing) EXCUSE ME Old man: WILL YOU SIT DOWN! I'M SORRY.
(slurping) (audience laughter) A COLD ICE CREAM, SWEETIE? SIT DOWN! (tone chimes) Man (over public address): THE OWNER OF THE VEHICLE WITH THIS LICENSE REGISTRATION WILL PLEASE MOVE IT; IT'S CAUSING AN OBSTRUCTION.
(train whistle blowing) (music continues) (tires screech, loud crash) (drum roll playing) WASN'T THAT JUST GREAT, LADIES AND GERMS? ADMITTEDLY, A FEW PROBLEMS, A FEW DISAPPOINTMENTS SHUT UP, YOU PANSY.
I PAID FOR FULL FRONTAL NUDITY AND I'M GOING TO GET SOME.
TA TA, SAILOR.
(crash) FULL FRONTAL NUDITY? NEVER.
WHAT DO YOU THINK, BARBARA? OH, NO, NO, NO UNLESS IT WAS ARTISTICALLY VALID, OF COURSE.
FULL FRONTAL NUDITY? YES, I'D DO IT, IF IT WAS VALID.
OR IF THE MONEY WAS VALID, AND IF IT WERE A SMALL PART.
(laughter) (clearing throat) GOOD EVENING.
(continues clearing throat) I'D LIKE TO TALK TO YOU TONIGH ABOUT THE PLACE OF THE NUDE IN MY BED UM (laughter) IN THE HISTORY OF MY BED OF ART ART I'M SORRY.
THE PLACE OF THE NUDE IN THE HISTORY OF TART CALL-GIRL I'M SORRY.
(laughter) I'LL START AGAIN.
(clears throat) BUM OH, WHAT A GIVEAWAY! THE PLACE OF THE NUDE IN ART.
OH, HELLO THERE, FATHER, UH CONFESSOR, PROFESSOR YOUR HONOR, YOUR GRACE I'M NOT YOUR GRACE, I'M YOUR ELSIE.
WHAT A TERRIBLE JOKE! BUT IT'S MY ONLY LINE! (choked gasping) (audience laughter) (man panting) (panting continues) (laughter) (gasping and panting) WE WANT TO BUY A BED, PLEASE.
OH, CERTAINLY.
I'LL GET SOMEONE TO ATTEND TO YOU.
MR.
VERITY! CAN I HELP YOU, SIR? AH, YES, WE'D LIKE TO BUY A BED A DOUBLE BED, ABOUT £50.
OH, NO, I AM AFRAID NOT, SIR.
OUR CHEAPEST BED IS £800, SIR.
EIGHT HUNDRED POUNDS! OH, UH PERHAPS I SHOULD HAVE EXPLAINED.
MR.
VERITY DOES TEND TO EXAGGERATE SO EVERY FIGURE HE GIVES YOU WILL BE TEN TIMES TOO HIGH.
OTHERWISE HE'S PERFECTLY ALL RIGHT, PERFECTLY.
OH, I SEE.
I SEE SO YOUR CHEAPEST BED IS £80? £800, YES, SIR.
AND HOW WIDE IS IT? UH THE WIDTH IS, UH 60 FEET WIDE.
OH SIX FOOT WIDE, EH? AND THE LENGTH? THE LENGTH IS, UM LAMBERT? Lambert: HMM? WHAT IS THE LENGTH OF THE COMFYDOWN MAJORETTE? UH TWO FOOT LONG.
TWO FOOT LONG? AH, YES, YOU HAVE TO REMEMBER, OF COURSE TO MULTIPLY EVERYTHING MR.
LAMBERT SAYS BY THREE.
UH IT'S NOTHING HE CAN HELP, YOU UNDERSTAND.
APART FROM THA HE'S PERFECTLY ALL RIGHT.
I SEE, I'M SORRY.
BUT IT DOES MEAN THAT WHEN HE SAYS A BED IS TWO FOOT WIDE IT IS, IN FACT, 60 FEET WIDE.
OH, YES, I SEE AND THAT'S NO COUNTING THE MATTRESS.
OH, HOW MUCH IS THAT? LAMBERT WILL BE ABLE TO HELP YOU THERE.
LAMBERT? HMM? WILL YOU SHOW THESE 20 GOOD PEOPLE THE, UH DOG KENNEL PLEASE? CERTAINLY.
DOG KENNEL? NO, NO, NO.
MATTRESSES, MATTRESSES.
OH, NO, NO, YOU HAVE TO SAY "DOG KENNEL" TO MR.
LAMBER BECAUSE IF YOU SAY "MATTRESS," HE PUTS A BAG OVER HIS HEAD.
I SHOULD HAVE EXPLAINED.
APART FROM THA HE'S REALLY ALL RIGHT.
(light laughter) (giggling) (trying to laugh) UH UM, UH, WE'D LIKE TO SEE THE DOG KENNELS, PLEASE.
DOG KENNELS? YES, WE WANT TO SEE THE DOG KENNELS.
AH, YES, WELL, THAT'S THE PETS DEPARTMENT, SECOND FLOOR.
OH, NO, NO, WE WANT TO SEE THE DOG KENNELS.
YES, PETS DEPARTMENT, SECOND FLOOR.
NO, NO, NO, WE DON'T REALLY WANT TO SEE DOG KENNELS ONLY YOUR COLLEAGUE SAID WE OUGHT TO OH, DEAR, WHAT'S HE BEEN TELLING YOU NOW? WELL, HE SAID WE SHOULD SAY "DOG KENNELS" TO YOU INSTEAD OF "MATTRESS.
" (laughter) OH, DEAR, HELLO, HELLO? DID YOU SAY "MATTRESS"? WELL, A LITTLE, YES.
I DID ASK YOU NOT TO SAY "MATTRESS," DIDN'T I? NOW I'VE GOT TO STAND IN THE TEA CHEST.
(laughter) AND DID THOSE FEE IN ANCIENT TIMES WALK UPON ENGLAND'S MOUNTAINS GREEN DID SOMEBODY SAY "MATTRESS" TO MR.
LAMBERT? Both: AND WAS THE HOLY LAMB OF GOD ON ENGLAND'S PLEASANT HE SHOULD BE ALL RIGHT NOW.
BUT DON'T YOU KNOW, JUST DON'T.
OH, NO, NO, NO.
UH WE'D LIKE TO SEE THE DOG KENNELS, PLEASE.
YES, SECOND FLOOR.
NO, NO, LOOK, THESE DOG KENNELS HERE, SEE? MATTRESSES? OH, YES! WELL, IF YOU MEANT MATTRESS, WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY "MATTRESS"? I MEAN, IT'S VERY CONFUSING FOR ME IF YOU GO AND SAY "DOG KENNELS" WHEN YOU MEAN "MATTRESS.
" WHY NOT JUST SAY "MATTRESS"? WELL, I MEAN YOU PU A BAG OVER YOUR HEAD LAST TIME I SAID "MATTRESS.
" (laughter) BRING ME MY BOW OF BURNING GOLD BRING ME MY ARROWS OF DESIRE BRING ME MY SPEAR DID SOMEBODY SAY "MATTRESS" TO MR.
LAMBERT? TWICE.
HEY, EVERYBODY SOMEBODY SAID "MATTRESS" TO MR.
LAMBERT TWICE! I SHALL NOT CEASE FROM MENTAL STRIFE NOR SHALL MY SWORD SLEEP IN MY HAND WE NEED MORE! (masses singing "Jerusalem") ON ENGLAND'S GREEN AND PLEASANT NOW, UH CAN I HELP YOU? WE WAN A MATTRESS.
All: OH, WHAT DID YOU SAY THAT FOR? BUT IT'S MY ONLY LINE! All: WELL, YOU DIDN' HAVE TO SAY IT.
(high-pitched wailing) FULL FRONTAL NUDITY? NOT IN THIS PART OF ESHER.
(nasally): I WOULD ONLY PERFORM A SCENE IN WHICH THERE WAS TOTAL FRONTAL NUDITY.
NOW, I'VE NOTICED A TENDENCY FOR THIS PROGRAM TO GET RATHER SILLY.
NOW, I DO MY BES TO KEEP THINGS MOVING ALONG BUT I'M NOT HAVING THINGS GETTING SILLY.
THOSE LAST TWO SKETCHES I DID GOT VERY SILLY INDEED AND THAT LAST ONE ABOUT THE BED WAS EVEN SILLIER.
NOW, NOBODY LIKES A GOOD LAUGH MORE THAN I DO EXCEPT PERHAPS MY WIFE AND SOME OF HER FRIENDS.
OH, YES, AND CAPTAIN JOHNSON.
COME TO THINK OF I MOST PEOPLE LIKE A GOOD LAUGH MORE THAN I DO BUT THAT'S BESIDE THE POINT.
NOW, LET'S HAVE A GOOD, CLEAN, HEALTHY OUTDOOR SKETCH.
GET SOME AIR INTO YOUR LUNGS.
TEN, NINE, EIGHT AND ALL THAT.
AH, YES, THAT'S BETTER.
NOW, LET'S HOPE THIS DOESN'T GET SILLY.
HELLO, ARE YOU A HERMIT BY ANY CHANCE? YES, THAT'S RIGHT.
ARE YOU A HERMIT? YES, I CERTAINLY AM.
WELL, I NEVER.
WHAT ARE YOU GETTING AWAY FROM? OH, YOU KNOW, THE USUAL PEOPLE, CHAT, GOSSIP, YOU KNOW.
OH, I CERTAINLY DO; IT WAS THE SAME WITH ME.
I MEAN, THERE COMES A TIME WHEN YOU REALIZE THERE'S NO GOOD FRITTERING YOUR LIFE AWAY IN IDLENESS AND TRIVIAL CHITCHAT.
WHERE'S YOUR CAVE? OH, UP THE GOAT TRACK, FIRST ON THE LEFT.
OH, THEY'RE VERY NICE UP THERE, AREN'T THEY? YES, THEY ARE, I'VE GOT A BEAUTY.
A BIT DRAFTY, THOUGH, AREN'T THEY? NO, WE'VE HAD OURS INSULATED.
OH, YES? YES, I USED BIRDS' NESTS, MOSS AND OAK LEAVES ROUND THE OUTSIDE.
OH, SOUNDS MARVELOUS.
OH, IT'S A TREAT, IT REALLY IS 'CAUSE OTHERWISE, THOSE STONE CAVES CAN BE SO GRIM.
YES, THEY REALLY CAN BE, CAN'T THEY? THEY REALLY CAN.
MORNING, FRANK.
UH, MORNING, NORMAN.
TALKING OF MOSS, UH, YOU KNOW MR.
ROBINSON? WITH THE, UH, GREEN LOINCLOTH? UH, NO, THAT'S MR.
SEAGRAVE.
MR.
ROBINSON'S THE HERMI WHO LODGES WITH MR.
SEAGRAVE.
OH, YES.
YES, WELL, HE'S PUT ME ONTO WATTLES.
REALLY? YES.
SWEARS BY THEM.
MORNING, FRANK.
MORNING, LIONEL.
WELL, HE SAYS THAT MOSS TENDS TO FALL OFF THE CAVE WALL DURING COLD WEATHER.
YOU KNOW, YOU MIGHT GE A REALLY BAD SPELL AND HALF THE MOSS DROPS OFF THE CAVE WALL LEAVING YOU COLD.
OH, WELL, MR.
ROBINSON'S CAVE HAS NEVER BEEN EXACTLY NIRVANA, HAS IT? WELL, QUITE, THAT'S WHAT I MEAN.
ANYWAY, MR.
ROGERS, HE'S THE, UH, HERMIT ON THE END.
UP AT THE TOP, YES.
WELL, HE TRIED WATTLES AND HE CAME OUT IN A RASH.
REALLY? YES, AND THERE'S ME WITH HALF A WALL WATTLED.
I MEAN, WHAT'LL I DO? WELL, WHY DON'T YOU TRY BIRDS' NESTS LIKE I'VE DONE? OR ELSE DEAD BRACKEN.
Man: FRANK! YES, HAN.
CAN I BORROW YOUR GOAT? UH, YES, THAT'LL BE ALL RIGHT.
OH, LEAVE ME A PIN FOR BREAKFAST, WILL YOU? YOU KNOW, THAT'S THE TROUBLE WITH LIVING HALFWAY UP A CLIFF YOU FEEL SO CUT OFF.
YOU KNOW, IT TAKES ME TWO HOURS EVERY MORNING TO GET OU ONTO THE MOORS COLLECT MY BERRIES, CHASTISE MYSELF AND TWO HOURS BACK IN THE EVENING.
STILL, THERE'S ONE THING ABOUT BEING A HERMIT AT LEAST YOU MEET PEOPLE.
OH, YES, I WOULDN'T GO BACK TO PUBLIC RELATIONS.
OH, WELL, BYE FOR NOW, FRANK.
MUST TODDLE.
RIGHT, YOU TWO HERMITS STOP THA SKETCH.
I THINK IT'S SILLY.
GO ON, STOP IT, IT'S SILLY.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN? YOU CAN' STOP IT; IT'S ON FILM.
THAT DOESN'T MAKE ANY DIFFERENCE TO THE VIEWER AT HOME, DOES IT? GO ON, GET OUT.
(all shouting at once) GET OFF, GO ON, ALL OF YOU.
GO ON, MOVE, MOVE! GO ON, GET OUT.
(others protesting) GO ON, GET OUT.
MOVE, MOVE.
Man: MOVE, MOVE! (commotion) (laughter) (old recording of swing song begins playing) (door opens, shop bell tinkles) HELLO, I WISH TO REGISTER A COMPLAINT.
HELLO? MISS? WHAT DO YOU MEAN "MISS"? OH, I'M SORRY, I HAVE A COLD.
I WISH TO MAKE A COMPLAINT.
SORRY, WE'RE CLOSING FOR LUNCH.
NEVER MIND THAT, MY LAD I WISH TO COMPLAIN ABOUT THIS PARRO WHAT I PURCHASED NOT HALF AN HOUR AGO FROM THIS VERY BOUTIQUE.
OH, YES, THE NORWEGIAN BLUE.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH IT? I'LL TELL YOU WHAT'S WRONG WITH IT.
IT'S DEAD, THAT'S WHAT'S WRONG WITH IT.
NO, NO, IT'S RESTING, LOOK.
LOOK, MY LAD, I KNOW A DEAD PARROT WHEN I SEE ONE AND I'M LOOKING AT ONE RIGHT NOW.
NO, NO, SIR, IT'S NOT DEAD, IT'S RESTING.
RESTING? YEAH, REMARKABLE BIRD, THE NORWEGIAN BLUE BEAUTIFUL PLUMAGE, ISN'T IT? THE PLUMAGE DON'T ENTER INTO IT IT'S STONE DEAD.
NO, NO, IT'S RESTING.
ALL RIGHT, THEN, IF IT'S RESTING, I'LL WAKE IT UP.
HELLO, POLLY! I'VE GOT A NICE CUTTLEFISH FOR YOU WHEN YOU WAKE UP POLLY PARROT! THERE, IT MOVED.
NO, IT DIDN'T.
THAT WAS YOU PUSHING THE CAGE.
I DID NOT! YES, YOU DID.
HELLO, POLLY! POLLY! POLLY PARROT, WAKE UP! POLLY! NOW, THAT'S WHAT I CALL A DEAD PARROT.
NO, NO, IT'S STUNNED.
LOOK, MY LAD, I'VE HAD JUST ABOU ENOUGH OF THIS.
THAT PARRO IS DEFINITELY DECEASED.
AND WHEN I BOUGHT I NOT HALF AN HOUR AGO YOU ASSURED ME THAT ITS LACK OF MOVEMEN WAS DUE TO IT BEING TIRED AND SHAGGED OUT AFTER A LONG SQUAWK.
WELL, SIR IT'S PROBABLY PINING FOR THE FJORDS.
"PINING FOR THE FJORDS"? WHAT KIND OF TALK IS THAT? LOOK, WHY DID IT FALL FLAT ON ITS BACK THE MOMENT I GOT IT HOME? THE NORWEGIAN BLUE PREFERS KIPPING ON ITS BACK.
IT'S A BEAUTIFUL BIRD, LOVELY PLUMAGE.
LOOK, I TOOK THE LIBERTY OF EXAMINING THAT PARRO AND I DISCOVERED THAT THE ONLY REASON THAT IT HAD BEEN SITTING ON ITS PERCH IN THE FIRST PLACE WAS THAT IT HAD BEEN NAILED THERE.
(loud laughter) WELL, OF COURSE IT WAS NAILED THERE.
OTHERWISE IT WOULD MUSCLE UP TO THOSE BARS AND VOOM! LOOK, MATEY THIS PARRO WOULDN'T VOOM IF I PUT 4,000 VOLTS THROUGH IT.
IT'S BLEEDING DEMISED.
IT'S NOT, IT'S PINING.
IT'S NOT PINING, IT'S PASSED ON.
THIS PARRO IS NO MORE.
IT HAS CEASED TO BE.
IT'S EXPIRED AND GONE TO MEET ITS MAKER.
THIS IS A LATE PARROT.
(laughter) IT'S A STIFF.
BEREFT OF LIFE, IT RESTS IN PEACE.
IF YOU HADN'T NAILED I TO THE PERCH IT WOULD BE PUSHING UP THE DAISIES.
IT'S RUNG DOWN THE CURTAIN AND JOINED THE CHOIR INVISIBLE.
THIS IS AN EX-PARROT.
(laughter) WELL, I'D BETTER REPLACE IT, THEN.
IF YOU WANT TO GE ANYTHING DONE IN THIS COUNTRY YOU'VE GOT TO COMPLAIN TILL YOU'RE BLUE IN THE MOUTH.
SORRY, GUV, WE'RE RIGHT OUT OF PARROTS.
I SEE, I SEE, I GET THE PICTURE.
I'VE GOT A SLUG.
(laughter) DOES IT TALK? NOT REALLY, NO.
WELL, IT'S SCARCELY A REPLACEMENT, THEN, IS IT? LISTEN, I'LL TELL YOU WHAT, TELL YOU WHA IF YOU GO TO MY BROTHER'S PET SHOP IN BOLTON HE'LL REPLACE YOUR PARROT FOR YOU.
BOLTON, EH? YEAH.
ALL RIGHT.
(shop bell tinkles) (shop bell tinkles) (whistling quietly) UH, EXCUSE ME.
THIS IS BOLTON, IS IT? NO, NO, IT'S, UH, IPSWICH.
THAT'S INTER-CITY RAIL FOR YOU.
(laughter) (bell tinkles, door closes) (man whistling) I WISH TO MAKE A COMPLAINT.
I DON'T HAVE TO DO THIS, YOU KNOW.
I BEG YOUR PARDON? I'M A QUALIFIED BRAIN SURGEON.
I ONLY DO THIS BECAUSE I LIKE BEING ME OWN BOSS.
UH, EXCUSE ME, THIS IS IRRELEVANT, ISN'T IT? OH, YEAH, IT'S NOT EASY TO PAD THESE OU TO 30 MINUTES.
WELL, I WISH TO MAKE A COMPLAINT.
I GOT ON THE BOLTON TRAIN AND FOUND MYSELF DEPOSITED HERE IN IPSWICH.
NO, THIS IS BOLTON.
THE PET SHOP OWNER'S BROTHER WAS LYING.
WELL, YOU CAN'T BLAME BRITISH RAIL FOR THAT.
IF THIS IS BOLTON I SHALL RETURN TO THE PET SHOP.
(laughter) (shop bell tinkles) I UNDERSTAND THAT THIS IS BOLTON.
YEAH.
WELL, YOU TOLD ME IT WAS IPSWICH.
IT WAS A PUN.
(laughter) A PUN? NO, NO, NOT A PUN, NO.
WHAT'S THE OTHER THING WHICH READS THE SAME BACKWARDS AS FORWARDS? A PALINDROME? YEAH, YEAH.
IT'S NOT A PALINDROME.
THE PALINDROME OF BOLTON WOULD BE "NOTLOB.
" IT DON'T WORK.
LOOK, WHAT DO YOU WANT? NO, I'M SORRY.
I'M NOT PREPARED TO PURSUE MY LINE OF INQUIRY ANY FURTHER AS I THINK THIS IS GETTING TOO SILLY.
QUITE AGREE, QUITE AGREE.
SILLY, SILLY, SILLY.
RIGHT, GET ON WITH IT.
GET ON WITH IT! OH UH OH, I'M SORRY.
UH AND NOW, UM FRONTAL NUDITY.
(laughter) OH, OH, I'M SORRY, I THOUGHT THE FILM WAS LONGER.
UH UH, NOW, NOTLOB UH, BOLTON.
Narrator: THIS IS A FRIGHTENED CITY.
OVER THESE HOUSES, OVER THESE STREETS HANGS A PALL OF FEAR FEAR OF A NEW KIND OF VIOLENCE WHICH IS TERRORIZING THE CITY.
YES, GANGS OF OLD LADIES ATTACKING DEFENSELESS, FIT YOUNG MEN.
(men groaning) TAKE THAT! (sinister music playing) Man: WELL, THEY COME UP TO YOU, LIKE, AND PUSH YOU, YOU KNOW SHOVE YOU OFF THE PAVEMENT, LIKE.
THERE'S USUALLY FOUR OR FIVE OF THEM.
Man 2: YEAH, THIS THIS USED TO BE A NICE NEIGHBORHOOD BEFORE THE OLD LADIES STARTED MOVING IN.
NOWADAYS SOME OF US DAREN' EVEN GO DOWN TO THE SHOPS.
WELL, MR.
JOHNSON'S SON KEVIN, HE DON'T GO OUT ANYMORE.
HE COMES BACK FROM WRESTLING AND LOCKS HIMSELF IN HIS ROOM.
(old ladies snickering) Narrator: WHAT ARE THEY IN IT FOR THESE OLD HOODLUMS, THESE LAYABOUTS IN LACE? Old lady: WELL, IT IT'S SOMETHING TO DO, ISN'T IT? Old lady 2: IT'S GOOD FUN.
Old lady 3: IT'S IT'S LIKE, UH YOU KNOW WELL, ISN'T IT, EH? Narrator: FAVORITE TARGETS FOR THE OLD LADIES ARE TELEPHONE KIOSKS.
(all snickering) (audience laughter) WELL, COME ON, COME ON, OFF WITH YOU.
CLEAR OUT, COME ON, GET OUT OF IT.
WE HAVE A LOT OF TROUBLE WITH THESE OLDIES.
PENSION DAY'S THE WORST THEY GO MAD.
AS SOON AS THEY GE THEIR HANDS ON THEIR MONEY THEY BLOW IT ALL ON MILK, BREAD, TEA, TIN OF MEAT FOR THE CAT.
WELL, YES, WELL, OF COURSE, COME THE 2:00 MATINEE ALL THE OLD BAGS ARE IN THERE ESPECIALLY IF IT'S SOMETHING LIKE THE SOUND OF MUSIC.
WE GET SEATS RIPPED UP, HEARING AIDS BROKEN ALL THAT SORT OF THING.
THE WHOLE PROBLEM OF THESE SENILE DELINQUENTS LIES IN THEIR COMPLETE REJECTION OF THE VALUES OF CONTEMPORARY SOCIETY.
THEY'VE SEEN THEIR CHILDREN GROW UP AND BECOME ACCOUNTANTS STOCKBROKERS AND EVEN SOCIOLOGISTS AND THEY BEGIN TO WONDER, IS IT ALL REALLY (narrator screaming while falling) (laughter) OH, WELL, WE SOMETIMES FEEL WE'RE TO BLAME IN SOME WAY FOR WHAT OUR GRAN'S BECOME.
I MEAN, SHE USED TO BE QUITE HAPPY HERE UNTIL SHE SHE STARTED ON THE CROCHET.
Interviewer: CROCHET? YEAH, NOW SHE CAN'T DO WITHOUT IT.
20 BALLS OF WOOL A DAY, SOMETIMES.
IF SHE CAN'T GET THE WOOL, SHE GETS VIOLENT.
WHAT CAN WE DO ABOUT IT? (engines revving) (laughter) Narrator: BUT THIS IS NO JUST AN OLD LADIES' TOWN.
THERE ARE OTHER EQUALLY DANGEROUS GANGS SUCH AS THE BABY SNATCHERS.
(babies bawling) I JUST LEFT MY HUSBAND OUTSIDE HERE WHILE I WENT IN TO DO SOME SHOPPING AND I CAME BACK AND HE WAS GONE.
HE WAS ONLY 47.
(sobbing) Narrator: AND ON THE ROADS, TOO, VICIOUS GANGS OF "KEEP LEFT" SIGNS.
RIGHT, RIGHT, STOP IT.
THIS FILM'S GOT SILLY.
STARTED OFF WITH A NICE LITTLE IDEA ABOUT GRANNIES ATTACKING YOUNG MEN BUT NOW IT'S GOT SILLY.
THIS MAN'S HAIR IS TOO LONG FOR A VICAR, TOO.
THESE SIGNS ARE PRETTY BADLY MADE.
RIGHT, NOW FOR A COMPLETE CHANGE OF MOOD.
I'VE HEARD OF UNISEX BUT I'VE NEVER HAD IT.
Man: DAVID HEMMINGS APPEARED BY PERMISSION OF THE NATIONAL FORESTRY COMMISSION.
(laughter) (Sousa's "Liberty Bell March" playing) (bomb ticking) (applause)
(Sousa's "Liberty Bell March" playing) U.
S.
DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION and A&E TELEVISION NETWORKS.]
(music ends with a whoosh) (laughter) SPEAKING AS A PUBLIC OPINION POLL I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF THE PERMISSIVE SOCIETY.
I HAVEN'T HAD ENOUGH OF THE PERMISSIVE SOCIETY.
(laughter) I WOULD NOT APPEAR IN A FRONTAL NUDE SCENE UNLESS IT WAS VALID.
Announcer: IN 1943, A GROUP OF BRITISH ARMY OFFICERS WORKING DEEP BEHIND ENEMY LINES CARRIED OUT ONE OF THE MOS DANGEROUS AND HEROIC RAIDS IN THE HISTORY OF WARFARE.
BUT THAT'S AS MAY BE.
AND NOW (knock at door) COME IN.
WHAT DO YOU WANT? I'D LIKE TO LEAVE THE ARMY, PLEASE, SIR.
GOOD HEAVENS, MAN, WHY? IT'S DANGEROUS.
WHAT? THERE ARE PEOPLE WITH GUNS OUT THERE, SIR.
WHAT? REAL GUNS, SIR, NOT TOY ONES, SIR.
PROPER ONES, SIR.
THEY'VE ALL GOT 'EM, ALL OF 'EM, SIR.
AND SOME OF 'EM HAVE GOT TANKS.
WATKINS, THEY ARE ON OUR SIDE.
AND GRENADES, SIR, AND MACHINE GUNS, SIR.
SO I'D LIKE TO LEAVE, SIR, BEFORE I GET KILLED, PLEASE.
(laughter) WATKINS, YOU'VE ONLY BEEN IN THE ARMY A DAY.
I KNOW, SIR, BUT PEOPLE GE KILLED, PROPERLY DEAD, SIR NO BARLEY, CROSS FINGERS, SIR.
(laughter) A BLOKE WAS TELLING ME IF YOU'RE IN THE ARMY AND THERE'S A WAR YOU HAVE TO GO AND FIGHT.
THAT'S TRUE.
WELL, I MEAN BLIMEY I MEAN, IF I WAS A BIG WAR SOMEBODY COULD BE HURT.
WATKINS, WHY DID YOU JOIN THE ARMY? FOR THE WATER-SKIING AND FOR THE TRAVEL, SIR.
(laughter) AND NOT FOR THE KILLING, SIR.
I ASKED THEM TO PUT I ON MY FORM, SIR "NO KILLING.
" WATKINS, ARE YOU A PACIFIST? NO, SIR, I'M NOT A PACIFIST, SIR, I'M A COWARD.
(laughter) THAT'S A VERY SILLY LINE.
SIT DOWN.
YES, SIR, IT'S SILLY, SIR.
AWFULLY BAD.
(shouting): TWO CIVILIAN GENTLEMEN TO SEE YOU, SIR! SHOW THEM IN, PLEASE, SERGEANT.
MR.
DINO VERCOTTI AND MR.
LUIGI VERCOTTI! GOOD MORNING, COLONEL.
GOOD MORNING, GENTLEMEN.
NOW, WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU? YOU'VE, UH YOU'VE GOT A NICE ARMY BASE HERE, COLONEL.
YES.
WE WOULDN'T WANT ANYTHING TO HAPPEN TO IT.
(laughter) WHAT? OH, NO, WHA MY BROTHER MEANS IS IT WOULD BE A SHAME IF, UH OH, SORRY, COLONEL.
WELL, DON'T WORRY ABOUT THAT, BUT PLEASE DO SIT DOWN.
NO, WE PREFER TO STAND, THANK YOU, COLONEL.
ALL RIGHT, BUT WHAT DO YOU WANT? OH, WHAT DO WE WANT? (both shamming laughter) VERY GOOD, COLONEL.
ALWAYS THE JOKER, LUIGI.
EXPLAIN IT TO THE COLONEL, DINO.
HOW MANY TANKS YOU GOT, COLONEL? ABOUT 500 ALTOGETHER.
500, EH? YOU OUGHT TO BE CAREFUL, COLONEL.
WE ARE CAREFUL, EXTREMELY CAREFUL.
'CAUSE THINGS BREAK, DON'T THEY? BREAK? WELL, EVERYTHING BREAKS, DON'T IT, COLONEL? OH, DEAR.
OH, SEE, MY BROTHER'S CLUMSY, COLONEL AND WHEN HE GETS UNHAPPY HE BREAKS THINGS.
LIKE, SAY HE DON'T FEEL THE ARMY'S PLAYING FAIR BY HIM HE MAY STAR BREAKING THINGS, COLONEL.
WHAT IS ALL THIS ABOUT? HOW MANY MEN YOU GOT HERE, COLONEL? OH, UH 7,000 INFANTRY, 600 ARTILLERY AND, UH TWO DIVISIONS OF PARATROOPS.
PARATROOPS, DINO.
IT'D BE A SHAME IF SOMEONE WAS TO SET FIRE TO THEM.
SET FIRE TO THEM? FIRES HAPPEN, COLONEL.
THINGS BURN.
LOOK, WHAT IS ALL THIS ABOUT? MY BROTHER AND I HAVE GO A LITTLE PROPOSITION FOR YOU, COLONEL.
COULD SAVE YOU A LOT OF BOTHER.
YOU'RE DOING ALL RIGHT HERE AREN'T YOU, COLONEL? WELL, SUPPOSE SOME OF YOUR TANKS WAS TO GET BROKEN OR TROOPS STARTED GETTING LOST, UH FIGHTS STARTED BREAKING OU DURING GENERAL INSPECTION, LIKE? IT WOULDN'T BE GOOD FOR BUSINESS WOULD IT, COLONEL? ARE YOU THREATENING ME? Both: OH, NO, NO, NO.
WHATEVER MADE YOU THINK THAT, COLONEL? THE COLONEL DOESN'T THINK WE'RE NICE PEOPLE, LUIGI.
WE'RE YOUR BUDDIES, COLONEL.
WE WAN TO LOOK AFTER YOU.
LOOK AFTER ME? WE CAN GUARANTEE YOU THAT NOT A SINGLE ARMORED DIVISION WILL GET DONE OVER FOR 15 BOB A WEEK.
NO, NO 12 AND SIX? NO, NO EIGHT AND SIX? NO, NO FIVE BOB? NO, NO, THIS IS SILLY.
WHAT'S SILLY? NO, THE WHOLE PREMISE IS SILLY AND IT'S VERY BADLY WRITTEN.
I'M THE SENIOR OFFICER HERE AND I HAVEN'T HAD A FUNNY LINE YE SO I'M STOPPING IT.
YOU CAN' DO THAT! I'VE DONE IT.
THE SKETCH IS OVER.
I WANT TO LEAVE THE ARMY PLEASE, SIR, IT'S DANGEROUS.
LOOK, I STOPPED YOUR SKETCH FIVE MINUTES AGO, SO GET OUT OF SHOT.
RIGHT, DIRECTOR! CLOSE UP.
ZOOM IN ON ME.
(laughter) THAT'S BETTER.
IT'S ONLY 'CAUSE YOU COULDN' THINK OF A PUNCH LINE.
NOT TRUE, NOT TRUE.
IT'S TIME FOR THE CARTOON.
CUE TELECINE TEN, NINE, EIGHT OUR GENERAL PUBLIC'S NOT GOING TO UNDERSTAND THIS, ARE THEY? SHUT UP, YOU EYETIES! (humming vaguely) (continues humming) (chuckling lewdly) (audience laughter) Old man: OOH, WHAT THE DEVIL'S GOING ON HERE? HEY! HEY, WHAT'S GOING WHAT'S HAPPENING HERE? HEY, WAIT A MINUTE.
HEY, OH, HEY, STOP THAT! (grumbling) (drum roll playing) WELL, LADIES AND GENTS HERE IT IS, THE SHOW YOU'VE BEEN WANKING FOR THE SHOW YOU'VE HEARD SO MUCH ABOUT.
THIS IS THE SHOW THAT GIVES YOU WHAT YOU WAN THE WAY YOU LIKE IT.
SO MOVE RIGHT UP FRON FOR "FULL FRONTAL NUDITY.
" (lone clapping) (horn fanfare playing) ("The Most Beautiful Girl in the World"playing) EXCUSE ME Old man: WILL YOU SIT DOWN! I'M SORRY.
(slurping) (audience laughter) A COLD ICE CREAM, SWEETIE? SIT DOWN! (tone chimes) Man (over public address): THE OWNER OF THE VEHICLE WITH THIS LICENSE REGISTRATION WILL PLEASE MOVE IT; IT'S CAUSING AN OBSTRUCTION.
(train whistle blowing) (music continues) (tires screech, loud crash) (drum roll playing) WASN'T THAT JUST GREAT, LADIES AND GERMS? ADMITTEDLY, A FEW PROBLEMS, A FEW DISAPPOINTMENTS SHUT UP, YOU PANSY.
I PAID FOR FULL FRONTAL NUDITY AND I'M GOING TO GET SOME.
TA TA, SAILOR.
(crash) FULL FRONTAL NUDITY? NEVER.
WHAT DO YOU THINK, BARBARA? OH, NO, NO, NO UNLESS IT WAS ARTISTICALLY VALID, OF COURSE.
FULL FRONTAL NUDITY? YES, I'D DO IT, IF IT WAS VALID.
OR IF THE MONEY WAS VALID, AND IF IT WERE A SMALL PART.
(laughter) (clearing throat) GOOD EVENING.
(continues clearing throat) I'D LIKE TO TALK TO YOU TONIGH ABOUT THE PLACE OF THE NUDE IN MY BED UM (laughter) IN THE HISTORY OF MY BED OF ART ART I'M SORRY.
THE PLACE OF THE NUDE IN THE HISTORY OF TART CALL-GIRL I'M SORRY.
(laughter) I'LL START AGAIN.
(clears throat) BUM OH, WHAT A GIVEAWAY! THE PLACE OF THE NUDE IN ART.
OH, HELLO THERE, FATHER, UH CONFESSOR, PROFESSOR YOUR HONOR, YOUR GRACE I'M NOT YOUR GRACE, I'M YOUR ELSIE.
WHAT A TERRIBLE JOKE! BUT IT'S MY ONLY LINE! (choked gasping) (audience laughter) (man panting) (panting continues) (laughter) (gasping and panting) WE WANT TO BUY A BED, PLEASE.
OH, CERTAINLY.
I'LL GET SOMEONE TO ATTEND TO YOU.
MR.
VERITY! CAN I HELP YOU, SIR? AH, YES, WE'D LIKE TO BUY A BED A DOUBLE BED, ABOUT £50.
OH, NO, I AM AFRAID NOT, SIR.
OUR CHEAPEST BED IS £800, SIR.
EIGHT HUNDRED POUNDS! OH, UH PERHAPS I SHOULD HAVE EXPLAINED.
MR.
VERITY DOES TEND TO EXAGGERATE SO EVERY FIGURE HE GIVES YOU WILL BE TEN TIMES TOO HIGH.
OTHERWISE HE'S PERFECTLY ALL RIGHT, PERFECTLY.
OH, I SEE.
I SEE SO YOUR CHEAPEST BED IS £80? £800, YES, SIR.
AND HOW WIDE IS IT? UH THE WIDTH IS, UH 60 FEET WIDE.
OH SIX FOOT WIDE, EH? AND THE LENGTH? THE LENGTH IS, UM LAMBERT? Lambert: HMM? WHAT IS THE LENGTH OF THE COMFYDOWN MAJORETTE? UH TWO FOOT LONG.
TWO FOOT LONG? AH, YES, YOU HAVE TO REMEMBER, OF COURSE TO MULTIPLY EVERYTHING MR.
LAMBERT SAYS BY THREE.
UH IT'S NOTHING HE CAN HELP, YOU UNDERSTAND.
APART FROM THA HE'S PERFECTLY ALL RIGHT.
I SEE, I'M SORRY.
BUT IT DOES MEAN THAT WHEN HE SAYS A BED IS TWO FOOT WIDE IT IS, IN FACT, 60 FEET WIDE.
OH, YES, I SEE AND THAT'S NO COUNTING THE MATTRESS.
OH, HOW MUCH IS THAT? LAMBERT WILL BE ABLE TO HELP YOU THERE.
LAMBERT? HMM? WILL YOU SHOW THESE 20 GOOD PEOPLE THE, UH DOG KENNEL PLEASE? CERTAINLY.
DOG KENNEL? NO, NO, NO.
MATTRESSES, MATTRESSES.
OH, NO, NO, YOU HAVE TO SAY "DOG KENNEL" TO MR.
LAMBER BECAUSE IF YOU SAY "MATTRESS," HE PUTS A BAG OVER HIS HEAD.
I SHOULD HAVE EXPLAINED.
APART FROM THA HE'S REALLY ALL RIGHT.
(light laughter) (giggling) (trying to laugh) UH UM, UH, WE'D LIKE TO SEE THE DOG KENNELS, PLEASE.
DOG KENNELS? YES, WE WANT TO SEE THE DOG KENNELS.
AH, YES, WELL, THAT'S THE PETS DEPARTMENT, SECOND FLOOR.
OH, NO, NO, WE WANT TO SEE THE DOG KENNELS.
YES, PETS DEPARTMENT, SECOND FLOOR.
NO, NO, NO, WE DON'T REALLY WANT TO SEE DOG KENNELS ONLY YOUR COLLEAGUE SAID WE OUGHT TO OH, DEAR, WHAT'S HE BEEN TELLING YOU NOW? WELL, HE SAID WE SHOULD SAY "DOG KENNELS" TO YOU INSTEAD OF "MATTRESS.
" (laughter) OH, DEAR, HELLO, HELLO? DID YOU SAY "MATTRESS"? WELL, A LITTLE, YES.
I DID ASK YOU NOT TO SAY "MATTRESS," DIDN'T I? NOW I'VE GOT TO STAND IN THE TEA CHEST.
(laughter) AND DID THOSE FEE IN ANCIENT TIMES WALK UPON ENGLAND'S MOUNTAINS GREEN DID SOMEBODY SAY "MATTRESS" TO MR.
LAMBERT? Both: AND WAS THE HOLY LAMB OF GOD ON ENGLAND'S PLEASANT HE SHOULD BE ALL RIGHT NOW.
BUT DON'T YOU KNOW, JUST DON'T.
OH, NO, NO, NO.
UH WE'D LIKE TO SEE THE DOG KENNELS, PLEASE.
YES, SECOND FLOOR.
NO, NO, LOOK, THESE DOG KENNELS HERE, SEE? MATTRESSES? OH, YES! WELL, IF YOU MEANT MATTRESS, WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY "MATTRESS"? I MEAN, IT'S VERY CONFUSING FOR ME IF YOU GO AND SAY "DOG KENNELS" WHEN YOU MEAN "MATTRESS.
" WHY NOT JUST SAY "MATTRESS"? WELL, I MEAN YOU PU A BAG OVER YOUR HEAD LAST TIME I SAID "MATTRESS.
" (laughter) BRING ME MY BOW OF BURNING GOLD BRING ME MY ARROWS OF DESIRE BRING ME MY SPEAR DID SOMEBODY SAY "MATTRESS" TO MR.
LAMBERT? TWICE.
HEY, EVERYBODY SOMEBODY SAID "MATTRESS" TO MR.
LAMBERT TWICE! I SHALL NOT CEASE FROM MENTAL STRIFE NOR SHALL MY SWORD SLEEP IN MY HAND WE NEED MORE! (masses singing "Jerusalem") ON ENGLAND'S GREEN AND PLEASANT NOW, UH CAN I HELP YOU? WE WAN A MATTRESS.
All: OH, WHAT DID YOU SAY THAT FOR? BUT IT'S MY ONLY LINE! All: WELL, YOU DIDN' HAVE TO SAY IT.
(high-pitched wailing) FULL FRONTAL NUDITY? NOT IN THIS PART OF ESHER.
(nasally): I WOULD ONLY PERFORM A SCENE IN WHICH THERE WAS TOTAL FRONTAL NUDITY.
NOW, I'VE NOTICED A TENDENCY FOR THIS PROGRAM TO GET RATHER SILLY.
NOW, I DO MY BES TO KEEP THINGS MOVING ALONG BUT I'M NOT HAVING THINGS GETTING SILLY.
THOSE LAST TWO SKETCHES I DID GOT VERY SILLY INDEED AND THAT LAST ONE ABOUT THE BED WAS EVEN SILLIER.
NOW, NOBODY LIKES A GOOD LAUGH MORE THAN I DO EXCEPT PERHAPS MY WIFE AND SOME OF HER FRIENDS.
OH, YES, AND CAPTAIN JOHNSON.
COME TO THINK OF I MOST PEOPLE LIKE A GOOD LAUGH MORE THAN I DO BUT THAT'S BESIDE THE POINT.
NOW, LET'S HAVE A GOOD, CLEAN, HEALTHY OUTDOOR SKETCH.
GET SOME AIR INTO YOUR LUNGS.
TEN, NINE, EIGHT AND ALL THAT.
AH, YES, THAT'S BETTER.
NOW, LET'S HOPE THIS DOESN'T GET SILLY.
HELLO, ARE YOU A HERMIT BY ANY CHANCE? YES, THAT'S RIGHT.
ARE YOU A HERMIT? YES, I CERTAINLY AM.
WELL, I NEVER.
WHAT ARE YOU GETTING AWAY FROM? OH, YOU KNOW, THE USUAL PEOPLE, CHAT, GOSSIP, YOU KNOW.
OH, I CERTAINLY DO; IT WAS THE SAME WITH ME.
I MEAN, THERE COMES A TIME WHEN YOU REALIZE THERE'S NO GOOD FRITTERING YOUR LIFE AWAY IN IDLENESS AND TRIVIAL CHITCHAT.
WHERE'S YOUR CAVE? OH, UP THE GOAT TRACK, FIRST ON THE LEFT.
OH, THEY'RE VERY NICE UP THERE, AREN'T THEY? YES, THEY ARE, I'VE GOT A BEAUTY.
A BIT DRAFTY, THOUGH, AREN'T THEY? NO, WE'VE HAD OURS INSULATED.
OH, YES? YES, I USED BIRDS' NESTS, MOSS AND OAK LEAVES ROUND THE OUTSIDE.
OH, SOUNDS MARVELOUS.
OH, IT'S A TREAT, IT REALLY IS 'CAUSE OTHERWISE, THOSE STONE CAVES CAN BE SO GRIM.
YES, THEY REALLY CAN BE, CAN'T THEY? THEY REALLY CAN.
MORNING, FRANK.
UH, MORNING, NORMAN.
TALKING OF MOSS, UH, YOU KNOW MR.
ROBINSON? WITH THE, UH, GREEN LOINCLOTH? UH, NO, THAT'S MR.
SEAGRAVE.
MR.
ROBINSON'S THE HERMI WHO LODGES WITH MR.
SEAGRAVE.
OH, YES.
YES, WELL, HE'S PUT ME ONTO WATTLES.
REALLY? YES.
SWEARS BY THEM.
MORNING, FRANK.
MORNING, LIONEL.
WELL, HE SAYS THAT MOSS TENDS TO FALL OFF THE CAVE WALL DURING COLD WEATHER.
YOU KNOW, YOU MIGHT GE A REALLY BAD SPELL AND HALF THE MOSS DROPS OFF THE CAVE WALL LEAVING YOU COLD.
OH, WELL, MR.
ROBINSON'S CAVE HAS NEVER BEEN EXACTLY NIRVANA, HAS IT? WELL, QUITE, THAT'S WHAT I MEAN.
ANYWAY, MR.
ROGERS, HE'S THE, UH, HERMIT ON THE END.
UP AT THE TOP, YES.
WELL, HE TRIED WATTLES AND HE CAME OUT IN A RASH.
REALLY? YES, AND THERE'S ME WITH HALF A WALL WATTLED.
I MEAN, WHAT'LL I DO? WELL, WHY DON'T YOU TRY BIRDS' NESTS LIKE I'VE DONE? OR ELSE DEAD BRACKEN.
Man: FRANK! YES, HAN.
CAN I BORROW YOUR GOAT? UH, YES, THAT'LL BE ALL RIGHT.
OH, LEAVE ME A PIN FOR BREAKFAST, WILL YOU? YOU KNOW, THAT'S THE TROUBLE WITH LIVING HALFWAY UP A CLIFF YOU FEEL SO CUT OFF.
YOU KNOW, IT TAKES ME TWO HOURS EVERY MORNING TO GET OU ONTO THE MOORS COLLECT MY BERRIES, CHASTISE MYSELF AND TWO HOURS BACK IN THE EVENING.
STILL, THERE'S ONE THING ABOUT BEING A HERMIT AT LEAST YOU MEET PEOPLE.
OH, YES, I WOULDN'T GO BACK TO PUBLIC RELATIONS.
OH, WELL, BYE FOR NOW, FRANK.
MUST TODDLE.
RIGHT, YOU TWO HERMITS STOP THA SKETCH.
I THINK IT'S SILLY.
GO ON, STOP IT, IT'S SILLY.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN? YOU CAN' STOP IT; IT'S ON FILM.
THAT DOESN'T MAKE ANY DIFFERENCE TO THE VIEWER AT HOME, DOES IT? GO ON, GET OUT.
(all shouting at once) GET OFF, GO ON, ALL OF YOU.
GO ON, MOVE, MOVE! GO ON, GET OUT.
(others protesting) GO ON, GET OUT.
MOVE, MOVE.
Man: MOVE, MOVE! (commotion) (laughter) (old recording of swing song begins playing) (door opens, shop bell tinkles) HELLO, I WISH TO REGISTER A COMPLAINT.
HELLO? MISS? WHAT DO YOU MEAN "MISS"? OH, I'M SORRY, I HAVE A COLD.
I WISH TO MAKE A COMPLAINT.
SORRY, WE'RE CLOSING FOR LUNCH.
NEVER MIND THAT, MY LAD I WISH TO COMPLAIN ABOUT THIS PARRO WHAT I PURCHASED NOT HALF AN HOUR AGO FROM THIS VERY BOUTIQUE.
OH, YES, THE NORWEGIAN BLUE.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH IT? I'LL TELL YOU WHAT'S WRONG WITH IT.
IT'S DEAD, THAT'S WHAT'S WRONG WITH IT.
NO, NO, IT'S RESTING, LOOK.
LOOK, MY LAD, I KNOW A DEAD PARROT WHEN I SEE ONE AND I'M LOOKING AT ONE RIGHT NOW.
NO, NO, SIR, IT'S NOT DEAD, IT'S RESTING.
RESTING? YEAH, REMARKABLE BIRD, THE NORWEGIAN BLUE BEAUTIFUL PLUMAGE, ISN'T IT? THE PLUMAGE DON'T ENTER INTO IT IT'S STONE DEAD.
NO, NO, IT'S RESTING.
ALL RIGHT, THEN, IF IT'S RESTING, I'LL WAKE IT UP.
HELLO, POLLY! I'VE GOT A NICE CUTTLEFISH FOR YOU WHEN YOU WAKE UP POLLY PARROT! THERE, IT MOVED.
NO, IT DIDN'T.
THAT WAS YOU PUSHING THE CAGE.
I DID NOT! YES, YOU DID.
HELLO, POLLY! POLLY! POLLY PARROT, WAKE UP! POLLY! NOW, THAT'S WHAT I CALL A DEAD PARROT.
NO, NO, IT'S STUNNED.
LOOK, MY LAD, I'VE HAD JUST ABOU ENOUGH OF THIS.
THAT PARRO IS DEFINITELY DECEASED.
AND WHEN I BOUGHT I NOT HALF AN HOUR AGO YOU ASSURED ME THAT ITS LACK OF MOVEMEN WAS DUE TO IT BEING TIRED AND SHAGGED OUT AFTER A LONG SQUAWK.
WELL, SIR IT'S PROBABLY PINING FOR THE FJORDS.
"PINING FOR THE FJORDS"? WHAT KIND OF TALK IS THAT? LOOK, WHY DID IT FALL FLAT ON ITS BACK THE MOMENT I GOT IT HOME? THE NORWEGIAN BLUE PREFERS KIPPING ON ITS BACK.
IT'S A BEAUTIFUL BIRD, LOVELY PLUMAGE.
LOOK, I TOOK THE LIBERTY OF EXAMINING THAT PARRO AND I DISCOVERED THAT THE ONLY REASON THAT IT HAD BEEN SITTING ON ITS PERCH IN THE FIRST PLACE WAS THAT IT HAD BEEN NAILED THERE.
(loud laughter) WELL, OF COURSE IT WAS NAILED THERE.
OTHERWISE IT WOULD MUSCLE UP TO THOSE BARS AND VOOM! LOOK, MATEY THIS PARRO WOULDN'T VOOM IF I PUT 4,000 VOLTS THROUGH IT.
IT'S BLEEDING DEMISED.
IT'S NOT, IT'S PINING.
IT'S NOT PINING, IT'S PASSED ON.
THIS PARRO IS NO MORE.
IT HAS CEASED TO BE.
IT'S EXPIRED AND GONE TO MEET ITS MAKER.
THIS IS A LATE PARROT.
(laughter) IT'S A STIFF.
BEREFT OF LIFE, IT RESTS IN PEACE.
IF YOU HADN'T NAILED I TO THE PERCH IT WOULD BE PUSHING UP THE DAISIES.
IT'S RUNG DOWN THE CURTAIN AND JOINED THE CHOIR INVISIBLE.
THIS IS AN EX-PARROT.
(laughter) WELL, I'D BETTER REPLACE IT, THEN.
IF YOU WANT TO GE ANYTHING DONE IN THIS COUNTRY YOU'VE GOT TO COMPLAIN TILL YOU'RE BLUE IN THE MOUTH.
SORRY, GUV, WE'RE RIGHT OUT OF PARROTS.
I SEE, I SEE, I GET THE PICTURE.
I'VE GOT A SLUG.
(laughter) DOES IT TALK? NOT REALLY, NO.
WELL, IT'S SCARCELY A REPLACEMENT, THEN, IS IT? LISTEN, I'LL TELL YOU WHAT, TELL YOU WHA IF YOU GO TO MY BROTHER'S PET SHOP IN BOLTON HE'LL REPLACE YOUR PARROT FOR YOU.
BOLTON, EH? YEAH.
ALL RIGHT.
(shop bell tinkles) (shop bell tinkles) (whistling quietly) UH, EXCUSE ME.
THIS IS BOLTON, IS IT? NO, NO, IT'S, UH, IPSWICH.
THAT'S INTER-CITY RAIL FOR YOU.
(laughter) (bell tinkles, door closes) (man whistling) I WISH TO MAKE A COMPLAINT.
I DON'T HAVE TO DO THIS, YOU KNOW.
I BEG YOUR PARDON? I'M A QUALIFIED BRAIN SURGEON.
I ONLY DO THIS BECAUSE I LIKE BEING ME OWN BOSS.
UH, EXCUSE ME, THIS IS IRRELEVANT, ISN'T IT? OH, YEAH, IT'S NOT EASY TO PAD THESE OU TO 30 MINUTES.
WELL, I WISH TO MAKE A COMPLAINT.
I GOT ON THE BOLTON TRAIN AND FOUND MYSELF DEPOSITED HERE IN IPSWICH.
NO, THIS IS BOLTON.
THE PET SHOP OWNER'S BROTHER WAS LYING.
WELL, YOU CAN'T BLAME BRITISH RAIL FOR THAT.
IF THIS IS BOLTON I SHALL RETURN TO THE PET SHOP.
(laughter) (shop bell tinkles) I UNDERSTAND THAT THIS IS BOLTON.
YEAH.
WELL, YOU TOLD ME IT WAS IPSWICH.
IT WAS A PUN.
(laughter) A PUN? NO, NO, NOT A PUN, NO.
WHAT'S THE OTHER THING WHICH READS THE SAME BACKWARDS AS FORWARDS? A PALINDROME? YEAH, YEAH.
IT'S NOT A PALINDROME.
THE PALINDROME OF BOLTON WOULD BE "NOTLOB.
" IT DON'T WORK.
LOOK, WHAT DO YOU WANT? NO, I'M SORRY.
I'M NOT PREPARED TO PURSUE MY LINE OF INQUIRY ANY FURTHER AS I THINK THIS IS GETTING TOO SILLY.
QUITE AGREE, QUITE AGREE.
SILLY, SILLY, SILLY.
RIGHT, GET ON WITH IT.
GET ON WITH IT! OH UH OH, I'M SORRY.
UH AND NOW, UM FRONTAL NUDITY.
(laughter) OH, OH, I'M SORRY, I THOUGHT THE FILM WAS LONGER.
UH UH, NOW, NOTLOB UH, BOLTON.
Narrator: THIS IS A FRIGHTENED CITY.
OVER THESE HOUSES, OVER THESE STREETS HANGS A PALL OF FEAR FEAR OF A NEW KIND OF VIOLENCE WHICH IS TERRORIZING THE CITY.
YES, GANGS OF OLD LADIES ATTACKING DEFENSELESS, FIT YOUNG MEN.
(men groaning) TAKE THAT! (sinister music playing) Man: WELL, THEY COME UP TO YOU, LIKE, AND PUSH YOU, YOU KNOW SHOVE YOU OFF THE PAVEMENT, LIKE.
THERE'S USUALLY FOUR OR FIVE OF THEM.
Man 2: YEAH, THIS THIS USED TO BE A NICE NEIGHBORHOOD BEFORE THE OLD LADIES STARTED MOVING IN.
NOWADAYS SOME OF US DAREN' EVEN GO DOWN TO THE SHOPS.
WELL, MR.
JOHNSON'S SON KEVIN, HE DON'T GO OUT ANYMORE.
HE COMES BACK FROM WRESTLING AND LOCKS HIMSELF IN HIS ROOM.
(old ladies snickering) Narrator: WHAT ARE THEY IN IT FOR THESE OLD HOODLUMS, THESE LAYABOUTS IN LACE? Old lady: WELL, IT IT'S SOMETHING TO DO, ISN'T IT? Old lady 2: IT'S GOOD FUN.
Old lady 3: IT'S IT'S LIKE, UH YOU KNOW WELL, ISN'T IT, EH? Narrator: FAVORITE TARGETS FOR THE OLD LADIES ARE TELEPHONE KIOSKS.
(all snickering) (audience laughter) WELL, COME ON, COME ON, OFF WITH YOU.
CLEAR OUT, COME ON, GET OUT OF IT.
WE HAVE A LOT OF TROUBLE WITH THESE OLDIES.
PENSION DAY'S THE WORST THEY GO MAD.
AS SOON AS THEY GE THEIR HANDS ON THEIR MONEY THEY BLOW IT ALL ON MILK, BREAD, TEA, TIN OF MEAT FOR THE CAT.
WELL, YES, WELL, OF COURSE, COME THE 2:00 MATINEE ALL THE OLD BAGS ARE IN THERE ESPECIALLY IF IT'S SOMETHING LIKE THE SOUND OF MUSIC.
WE GET SEATS RIPPED UP, HEARING AIDS BROKEN ALL THAT SORT OF THING.
THE WHOLE PROBLEM OF THESE SENILE DELINQUENTS LIES IN THEIR COMPLETE REJECTION OF THE VALUES OF CONTEMPORARY SOCIETY.
THEY'VE SEEN THEIR CHILDREN GROW UP AND BECOME ACCOUNTANTS STOCKBROKERS AND EVEN SOCIOLOGISTS AND THEY BEGIN TO WONDER, IS IT ALL REALLY (narrator screaming while falling) (laughter) OH, WELL, WE SOMETIMES FEEL WE'RE TO BLAME IN SOME WAY FOR WHAT OUR GRAN'S BECOME.
I MEAN, SHE USED TO BE QUITE HAPPY HERE UNTIL SHE SHE STARTED ON THE CROCHET.
Interviewer: CROCHET? YEAH, NOW SHE CAN'T DO WITHOUT IT.
20 BALLS OF WOOL A DAY, SOMETIMES.
IF SHE CAN'T GET THE WOOL, SHE GETS VIOLENT.
WHAT CAN WE DO ABOUT IT? (engines revving) (laughter) Narrator: BUT THIS IS NO JUST AN OLD LADIES' TOWN.
THERE ARE OTHER EQUALLY DANGEROUS GANGS SUCH AS THE BABY SNATCHERS.
(babies bawling) I JUST LEFT MY HUSBAND OUTSIDE HERE WHILE I WENT IN TO DO SOME SHOPPING AND I CAME BACK AND HE WAS GONE.
HE WAS ONLY 47.
(sobbing) Narrator: AND ON THE ROADS, TOO, VICIOUS GANGS OF "KEEP LEFT" SIGNS.
RIGHT, RIGHT, STOP IT.
THIS FILM'S GOT SILLY.
STARTED OFF WITH A NICE LITTLE IDEA ABOUT GRANNIES ATTACKING YOUNG MEN BUT NOW IT'S GOT SILLY.
THIS MAN'S HAIR IS TOO LONG FOR A VICAR, TOO.
THESE SIGNS ARE PRETTY BADLY MADE.
RIGHT, NOW FOR A COMPLETE CHANGE OF MOOD.
I'VE HEARD OF UNISEX BUT I'VE NEVER HAD IT.
Man: DAVID HEMMINGS APPEARED BY PERMISSION OF THE NATIONAL FORESTRY COMMISSION.
(laughter) (Sousa's "Liberty Bell March" playing) (bomb ticking) (applause)