Mork and Mindy (1978) s01e08 Episode Script

Nanu-nanu.
( loud clank ) Shazbot! ( sings musical tones from Close Encounters of the 3rd Kind ) ( speaking Orkan ) Return to mother ship.
( beeps ) Sanctuary.
Thank you.
Ah, shells.
All I hear is sugar.
( speaking Orkan ) I won't hurt you if you tell me where the others are hiding.
( speaking Orkan ) ( squealing ) Whoa Good morning.
Morning.
How's your Danish? ( with accent ): Yeah, sure, it's coming along fine now but right now, it sounds a lot like Swedish.
I mean the rolls.
Oh.
Whoa, it's late.
I got to get to work.
Why are you wearing that rubber coat? Oh, this is a raincoat.
It keeps my clothes dry.
Why not leave your clothes here and go out naked? I don't think so.
I never know when I might have to demonstrate the accordion.
Oh, humor.
( honking bark ) You don't have to worry, though.
It's not going to rain today.
Well, sure it is.
I just heard it on the radio.
Mindy, we Orkans are very sensitive to the positive and negative ion ratio in the air ( beeps ) and the ion ratio today tells me ( beeps ) sunny and clear.
Are you sure? The ion ratio ( beeps ) would not lie to you.
Well, it never has before.
Okay, you win.
You mind if I go to the store with you today? I'm observing the leader of the dogs.
What leader of the dogs? The red leader in front of the store: the short one with the four bumps that hangs around the curb.
Oh that's a fire hydrant.
That's not the leader of the dogs.
Then why do they all salute him? I'll explain it on the way.
Oh.
( jackhammer pounding ) Grandma, why are they tearing up the concrete outside? ( humming ) Grandma.
I'll save her.
They'll never harm you again.
Well, thank you for, uh, saving my life.
I think I'll need the earmuffs again to tune out that jackhammer concerto outside.
Yes, we noticed the workmen installing a hole.
How can you miss it? You have to be a broad jumper to get into the store.
It's a good thing I'm wearing my orthopedic sneakers.
You know, it's freezing in here.
Yeah, it's colder than a witch-digger's brass monkey.
Is our rotten landlord trying to break the lease again? Why? He hasn't even finished breaking the sidewalk yet.
Hey, Mork, what's happening? Give me some skin.
Eh Nanu-nanu.
Neva.
Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah ( both buzzing ) What it is, what it was And what it shall be.
Right on.
Hey, where'd the great pile of dirt come from? I think it came with the hole.
Okay, Eugene, it's time for your violin lesson.
But it's too cold to practice in here.
Honey, the way you play, you can leave your mittens on and nobody will know the difference.
What if my fingers freeze, and I can't play anymore? Your parents will send me a thank you note.
Now quit stalling, Eugene.
Get in there, you jive turkey.
Keep cool, mama Keep cool, mama.
Uh, hello there.
Well, Dad, the landlord is at it again.
Yeah, I know.
I just came through the obstacle course out front.
There's a ten-foot hole out there.
I know.
Somebody's going to get killed.
Arnold Wanker doesn't seem to understand we have another two years left on our lease.
FRED: And you don't seem to understand that if Arnold Wanker can kick us out, he can lease this space to the restaurant next door and double the rent.
Shazbot! Electric Danish.
Why are you wearing your raincoat today? Oh, it's going to rain.
I heard it on the radio.
It's not going to rain.
Can't you feel the ion ratio? Now we're cooking.
Get down.
Get back up again.
Can't I hear the ion ratio? Ah you've been talking to Trash Gordon again.
His name is Mork, and he happens to be able to understand a lot of things we can't even comprehend yet.
Yeah, apparently.
He's dancing to a sound effects record.
( imitating airplanes soaring ) ( imitating bombs exploding ) Wow, bummer.
Um excuse me.
Excuse me.
Why is it so cold in here? Arnold Wanker is trying to freeze us out.
Now, this has got to be the dirtiest trick he's ever played.
Uh, no, no, no.
The worst thing he ever did was in sixth grade.
He came out to the baseball field and he gave us all the free lemonade we could drink.
( honking bark ) That's not funny.
Oh.
Then we found out he'd put a padlock on the only bathroom.
It cost me two weeks' allowance to buy the key from him.
Now that's funny.
Ah, oh, ah.
Confusion.
Heavy sigh.
I better be going.
Charming family you have.
Take care of them.
Well strung.
See you at lunch, Mindy.
Bye.
Are you going to be all right? Yes.
My project for today is to go to the park and observe how pigeons train old people to feed them.
Hello.
Eugene is on automatic pilot.
It was either leave the room or put on my earmuffs again.
Dad was just telling me what a rotten kid Arnold Wanker used to be.
Oh, yes, dreadful.
I baby-sat him when he was five, and he blackmailed me for all my baby-sitting money.
Did he catch you necking with your boyfriend on the couch? No.
That would've only cost me half the money.
Half the money? Grandma, what were you doing? Uh, she was probably supplying illegal drugs to Civil War soldiers.
Oh, why don't you go sit on your Schubert.
Mindy, dear, I think we ought to lay in a couple dozen of this disco album.
It's number 18 with a bullet.
Grandma, how come you know so much about disco? I know everything.
I'm old.
( thunder rumbles ) ( singing ) There.
That should kill it.
( singing in Orkan ) Don't look at me like that.
I'll still respect you.
( like Peter Lorre ): Please, I-I want to be your friend.
I won't hurt you if you just don't scream.
Do you have any last words? ( speaks gibberish ) Okay.
( shouts ) ( beeps ) Lunch is hell.
Don't you understand by your doing this, a can of soup will live? ( whistling ) Necrotrons! Warning! Mayday! Mayday! Red alert! Dive! In the bunker! In the bunker! Head 'em up.
We're going to Missouri.
Whoo! ( beeps ) Bullets! Total World War! Warning.
Jive teapot.
You'll never sing again.
( thunder cracks and rumbles ) I'd like to speak to you about your "ion ratio.
" You fell for it.
( honking bark ) You mean you knew it was going to rain outside? Sure.
I heard it on the radio.
Then why did you tell me to go out without my raincoat and umbrella? I was splinking.
Why am I afraid to ask? You see, on Ork, splinking is telling someone something that isn't true a practical joke.
( buzzes ) Well, Mork, you might call it splinking, but we humans call it lying, and it isn't acceptable behavior.
Now, you have got to start acting more human.
But I was.
I saw a Laurel and Hardy movie where Laurel splinked Hardy, then Hardy went, "There's another fine mess.
Hmm.
" Then he threw a bucket of water on Hardy.
( high-pitched squealing ) Laurel and Hardy aren't human.
I mean, they were human, but ( groans ) Just promise me that you won't do any more splinking or lying.
I promise.
I didn't think you'd mind getting wet.
Look at me.
I'm dripping! My clothes are soggy, and my skin is all wet.
I hate getting wet.
I'm going to go take a shower.
But wait, I made a sandwich for you.
It's untouched by human hands.
Now, if you want to get Fleetwood Mac, I think this album's your best bet, 'cause it's got just about everything you want to hear All right, all right, where's your father? In one minute, Mr.
Wanker.
I happen to be helping a customer.
$5.
98? If you really want to help your customer, tell him he can get the same album for only $4.
50 at the music store right down the street.
No, wait a minute.
That's a mistake.
There is no music store down the street.
Mr.
Wanker, you are an absolute Absolutely wonderful to see you here, Arnold.
Isn't it, dear? Well, it isn't wonderful to see you.
I've tried everything short of tear gas to get rid of you.
( horn honking ) In a minute! That's my wife.
I asked her to drive me to a foreclosure this afternoon.
Oh, well, I guess you need some sort of social life.
And speaking of foreclose, your rent payment is due Friday.
Today is Wednesday.
Oh, I'll have the money.
In spite of the fact that you've nearly ruined our business by tearing up our sidewalk and turning off the heat.
It's like an icebox in here.
I thought you wanted a rent freeze.
Oh, I love my work.
( horn honking ) Oh, shut up! I'm coming! I've got to use the phone.
Where is it? Oh, I know where I'd like it to be.
FRED: Yeah, around his neck.
Oh, um, it's over there.
He's already turned off the heat.
You want him to turn off the lights next? I don't care.
This guy's been getting away with this for years.
Somebody's got to tell him.
But do we have to do it now? Chambers! I am sick and tired of calling you about this! I want him evicted tomorrow! Well, so what if he's 90 years old.
Tell him to start for the door today.
( horn honking ) Hold on, you old bat! Oh, that's the trouble with people today! They're just too impatient! Now, that is enough.
Now, wait I don't care somebody's got to tell him off.
Mr.
Wanker, you have been evicting people and screaming at people and being nasty.
Do you hear me, Mr.
Wanker? Whoa! I think he's dead.
MRS.
WANKER ( crying ): Oh, Arnold! ( loud crying ) Oh, Arnold.
Oh, try to take it easy, Mrs.
Wanker.
Oh, I knew it was coming.
The doctor told him to take it easy, but no.
He wouldn't listen.
Arnold CORA: Oh, now Calm down, Annie.
When he left the car When he left the car, little did I know that his last words to me would be "Wait here.
" ( wailing ) ( sobbing ) Oh, Cora.
I feel terrible about this! Yeah, I know, but there's nothing we can do about it now.
I know, but those awful things we were saying to him.
He brought this on himself.
Then why do I feel so guilty? For the same reason I do because he died right here in our store.
We did everything we could, but I'm afraid he's gone.
Oh, well, thank you.
I guess you can go now.
I'll call the mortuary.
Right.
We'll leave the deceased back there, then.
Uh Right.
Come on, Eddie.
Oh Nice suits I'd like to see the rest of the band.
Oh, it's gonna be a bummer, though, trying to find shoes to match that bag.
Watch out for the hole! My experiment with the pigeons worked.
They agreed to everything I said.
Cheer up.
You look like somebody died.
( honking bark ) ( crying loudly ) Who's the grouch? ( crying ) Mork, will you just be quiet and act like a human being? ( sobbing ) ( imitating cry ) How's that? Shh! She just lost her husband.
It'll be all right.
He'll turn up.
( wailing ) He just died.
Oh, yeah.
He died? Oh, no.
The embarrassment.
Genuine look of grief.
He was such a wonderful man.
Don't you think so? Oh, well, I didn't know him all that well.
We really never Oh, I-I knew him very well.
I didn't know him at all.
Uh, when we were in Little League, he used to come around with free lemonade for all the kids.
Oh.
He puts locks on all the bathrooms.
( laughs, cries ) Grandma was telling me what a bright, observant little boy he was.
She said that she just wanted to give him everything.
Half of everything.
Oh, thank you.
You've made me feel so much better.
Why is it the young always die good? Arnold Wanker was one in a million.
He was a beautiful man.
He was a real wurble.
He was an inspiration.
He was an angel.
He is now.
( crying ) Oh, yes, he's an angel Oh, no, no.
What Grandma meant was a man that good and that loved and that admired must certainly have found a heavenly place for himself.
Oh.
Thank you, Mindy.
You really cared about him, didn't you? Oh, well, I think I'm safe in saying that Dad, Grandma and I all felt the same way about him.
He was beautiful.
Who would believe it? Who would believe it? A few minutes ago, he was here, yelling at us, and now, he's back there, quiet as a mouse.
He's back there? He's only been there for a few minutes? Yeah, that's right.
Oh.
Annie ( sobbing ) Annie Annie, dear, why don't I drive you home? Now, come along, dear.
Okay.
Now, everything is going to be all right.
( Annie wails and mutters ) I'll stay with her for a few hours.
It's the least I can do.
Yeah.
Poor woman.
Yeah.
Her only mistake was in marrying an idiot.
Yes.
Anybody can make that mistake.
My own daughter did.
( sighs ) Dad, do you think that we might have overdone it a little bit? Oh, I don't know.
We were just telling her what she wanted to hear.
( sighs ) I wonder where Mork went.
He probably saw a flying saucer and thought it was a class reunion.
( singing in Orkan ) ( laughing ) You lucky Earthlings! Do you think you could tone down the exuberance a little bit? There's no need to be sad anymore.
Mork, a man is dead.
A lot you know.
FRED: What?! ( tooting a fanfare ) ( Fred screams ) Stayin' alive, stayin' alive Stayin' alive But he's supposed to be dead.
Not anymore.
I gave him a jump start.
A jump start? You can do that? Well, it's a billion in one shot.
I did it once on Ork with a, uh, a hairless crawling zabedee.
Who would know it would work with a lower form of life.
Conditions were perfect, though.
You see, he's still a little groggy.
( high-pitched cooing ) I know this will work 'cause I saw it during the movies watch.
( deep voice ): Wake up, sweetheart.
And furthermore, McConnell, I'm going to get you to break that lease if I have to break your legs to do it! Now, now, now, uh, let me get this straight.
Conditions have to be perfect? It's a one in a million shot? One in a billion.
You don't think you can ever do it again? Eh And you wasted it on that miserable rat! But he's your friend.
Friend, my word.
I can't stand him.
But you said all those nice things about him.
I lied! Oh.
You? Then you lied, too? Oh, I didn't exactly lie.
I just didn't exactly tell the truth.
What's the difference? Well, the difference is lying is lying, and not telling the truth is lying.
You're right; I lied.
But you told me lying was bad.
You made me promise never to lie or even splink.
That stupid woman! I I don't know why I married her! Now I told her to wait.
Now, I got to call a cab! Uh, Arnold, uh, there was a very good reason why she left.
Well, I'd like to know what it is.
Well, you were, um uh, uh Let me see if I can put it delicately.
Just say it quickly.
Well, you were, uh You bit the big one.
Boot Hill, Great White Hunting Ground.
You bought the farm, you kicked the bucket.
What is this dodo trying to say? He's trying to say you were dead.
Arnold, you had a heart attack right here in the store.
Heart attack? Ha! How come I don't remember it? Well, think back.
What do you remember? Well, I was on the phone evicting some I remember my, uh, wife honking the car horn.
I, uh, remember overcharging my fraternity for the beer, and then I pulled the lemonade trick on the Little League, and then I caught my baby-sitter doing Ho, ho, ho, ho.
Wait a minute.
My whole life flashed in front of my eyes.
Right.
That was just before you ( imitates bugle blowing "Taps" ) You're all crazy.
This is some kind of trick to keep me from breaking the lease, isn't it? Well, it just won't work.
Excuse me, sir.
Can you tell me where the loved one is? What loved one? We are supposed to pick up one Arnold Winker, deceased.
That's Arnold Wanker, deceased.
Only I'm not deceased, I'm alive.
And I'm going to stay that way for a long, long time.
No pickup.
Watch out! ( Wanker yells ) ( thud ) for the hole.
You know, actually, Arnold Wanker really lucked out.
I mean, in that terrible fall, all he broke was both legs and his collarbone.
But the good news is he'll be in traction for months.
And knowing him, he'll probably sue himself.
I'm sorry about yesterday, but after you said all those nice things about him, I thought you'd be happy when I brought him back.
Oh, it isn't your fault, Mork.
I guess I confused you with my speech on lying and splinking.
Yes, it was very confusing to hear you lie after all that.
Yeah.
I should have explained to you about something called "little white lies.
" All splinks are blue.
A little white lie is what you tell when you don't want to hurt somebody's feelings.
But how could you hurt Wanker's feeling? He was Croak City.
But I really would have hurt his wife's feelings if I had told the truth.
So, I just sort of bent it a little.
A little? All right, I stretched it a lot.
Ah, so I see on Earth, the truth gets a lot of exercise.
Yeah, but as a rule, you should always tell the truth.
I should never lie? Never.
( door opening ) Hi.
MINDY: Oh! Oh, I'm so glad you kids are home.
Now, I've been invited to the Gray Panthers Prom for next Sunday, and I want you to see my new dress.
Whoa! Oh! Author.
( laughs ) Grandma, it's really colorful.
Well, what I really wanted was a man's opinion.
( laughing ) Mork, splink like you have never splunk.
Mork? Que wapa! ( giggling ) ( speaking nonsense Spanish ) Cordoba Corinthian.
( giggling ): Oh! ( speaks nonsense Spanish ) Oh, do you really like it? Huevos rancheros, amigo.
( laughs ) Mork calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.
Mork calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.
Mork calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.
ORSON: I hear you, Mork.
( electronic whirring ) Good evening, Mr.
and Mrs.
Universe and all ships in space.
Let's go to press.
Dit dit-dit-dit de-de de-de-de.
Flash! File the report, Mork.
Aw, but you take all the fun out of it.
The report! ( electronic whirring ) Yes, your Immenseness.
Today's report is about little white lies.
What? They're the same as little blue splinks.
See, there are several kinds of white lies.
Number one, the sports lie.
I'm tellin' you, Harry, you should have seen the one that got away.
I'm talkin' big big.
You know, so big, it almost swamped the dingy.
Then, there are vanity lies.
How old are you, Mrs.
Vandergroff? ( old woman's voice ): I'm only 28 years old.
Then, there are the kind of lies to keep you from getting your lips ripped off.
( Southern accent ): Barbara Jean, that was the best meal I've ever had.
Who could believe it was the first one you've ever cooked? I've never seen anybody do that with figs before.
The secret must be in the cheese.
( imitates newsman ): That's the way it is here on Earth.
Until next week ( regular voice ): this is Mork signing off.
Nanu-nanu.