Mother Up (2013) s01e08 Episode Script

1 She was a high-class queen of the music biz Covered in bling, 'bout to make it big A couple of kids, a dream deferred Goodbye big city, hello to the 'burbs Hello to the 'burbs Things are gettin' rough And life is gettin' tough These kids are drivin' me crazy I got to Mother Up! 1x08 - Overnight Delight That's my boy.
Finally, someone in this house other than me that puts me first.
Sorry, Rud, this one's mine.
You want me to make you a cup-a-Joseph? First of all, it's a cup of Joe not Joseph and you can't call me Rude until you can take me in a street fight.
- Now, less talky-more-coffee.
- I'm not a kid anymore.
With Dad gone, I need to be operating at least at teenager level.
Do we have any marshmallows? How would I know? Mmm that's the stuff I guess.
Thanks for bringing her home, Sarah.
Mom, it was the best sleepover ever! They're all the best because I get a break! Man, I love the sleepover circuit.
About that Rudi, some of the other moms are getting upset.
Good! Just how I like 'em.
No, they're mad because you never take your turn on the sleepover circuit and they don't know what to do about it because they ah they kind of don't trust you to look after their kids anyway.
What? I'm great with kids! God! First Dick with the coffee, and now this.
Does anyone around here even know me? It's okay, Mommy.
You don't have to let me have a sleepover.
You're good at other things like, swearing at the dishwasher and swearing at people in cars and swearing at people not in cars.
See, she gets me.
Yeah but if you don't take your turn people will stop inviting Apple to their sleepovers.
Oh, I get it.
I need to take the bullet once in awhile so I can dump off my kid the other nights.
Well played, suburban moms.
Well played.
Fine.
Apple, go make some invitations.
You're about to host your own sleepover.
Thank you, Mommy! Don't sniff the markers too much or the glue.
Do you want me to help, Rudi? It's just a few kids.
What's the big deal? Oh, slumber parties are not as easy as they look.
There's the allergies, bed-wetting, homesickness.
Pshaw! Come on.
Basically, it's just a girls' night in and I've thrown tons of those.
Now I'm a real cougar! Roar! See, I'm a pro.
Dick, what are you doing? Getting rid of my kid toys.
I've outgrown them.
What happened to your face? Cut it shaving.
Rudi's god-damn razor's dull.
Dammit.
That's the fifth parent to decline.
Oh, hi Rudi.
I hear you're hosting a sleepover this Saturday.
I hope you made sure emergency services are on the ready.
For your obvious mental breakdown? Why are you talking like that? Jenny's at a momvention it's a conference where moms get together and talk about being moms.
What level of hell is that? So, I'm playing both of us.
Now hand "Jenny" an invite.
Pass! My kids would be safer spending the night in a gorilla cage.
Then smile in a sweet but condescending way and apologize Oh.
Good one, Jenny.
Did you hear what Jenny said? She said Oh, poor Apple.
She's going to be so disappointed.
Oh, Sarah.
Watch and learn.
Apple, come here.
Hey sweetie, I can't wait for your party.
Now, just so all the kids are ready For the best time of their lives, make sure you go tell about the live DJ, special guests, secret candy no one else but me can get, Prada loot bags.
It's going to be the party of the year! I want to go to Apple's party! If you don't let me go, I'm going to go live with Dad! It's all about creating the right buzz.
A sleepover? How am I going to do teenager things with a bunch of little kids running around the house? Dick, you know you're a kid too, right? Pre-adolescent.
Big difference.
Hey! Word on the street is there's a slumber party afoot or as the British would say, a slumber party.
That's right, and everyone is going to have the time of their life.
Except me.
I'm going to be surrounded by kids.
Ah! A wise man or woman once said something about kids once and diapers.
You know Joel still wears diapers when he has a gaming tournament? Kids, huh? Always some fad.
Why can't I do teenager stuff like going to the bathroom in my pants? Say, Rudi how about Dick stays over at our house tonight.
You know, guys' night in with Joel.
They can have their own big-boy sleepover.
Can I Rudi? I mean Mom? Oh, all right.
But no.
no Oh, I don't know, something about booze, R-rated movies, you'll figure it out.
Yippeee! I mean whatever.
Nobody understands me.
I hate things now.
Ah, ah, are you sure you don't want me to just stick around? You know, just for the start middle and finish? I told you, Sarah, I've done this before and everything worked out fine! The stripper stopped breathing! My husband can't find out! Relax! I'll get the defibrillator.
He woke up in Central Park alive.
So stop worrying! Apple, what's up with you? I've never had a sleepover before.
What if none of the kids have fun? Then we'll know they're dead inside like their mothers.
"Pants first, then shoes.
" Wait, those are the wrong instructions.
I get flustered when Jenny's not around.
You sure you want to hang with Joel for that long or at all? - The kid's insane.
- He's just misunderstood.
Look, it's a guy thing, you wouldn't get it.
Oh I'm proud of you Dick.
Part of growing up is running with the wrong crowd and ignoring your parents' advice.
Just remember if you hear sirens, run.
I know you mean well helicopter Sarah, but I've got this.
You sure? You're sure-ey sure sure? Of course.
Got a whole theme going.
The kids are gonna love it.
It doesn't involve strippers or tattoos, right? Sarah, please.
These are kids.
I'm not throwing down that kind of money for people who wouldn't appreciate it.
Hit it, space ass! Mommy, what's happening? Pimps and hoes party, fools! Get crunk or get out! This isn't the music my Mom plays.
And I'm only allowed to dress up as great historical figures.
These clothes are itchy and make me feel bad about my choices.
Mommy, nobody is having any fun.
C'mon kids! These costumes are rentals, so I want them covered in fruit punch and these brownies! Is there sugar in these? My Mom says the only sweets I'm allowed are vegetables.
Is she here? 'Cuz I don't see her, and the first rule of a good party is what happens at the party stays at the party, so eat up.
It's like eating an angel! Let's dance really fast! I take it all back! I thought it was going to be bad.
Then I thought it was going to be worse.
But this is great! You're the best Mom ever! I know, but it's still nice to hear you say it.
Okay you two.
Enjoy your journey.
Don't block the TV, ass! Oh, he's a real softie inside, you'll see.
Die! Die! Die! - What game are you playing? - "Orphan holocaust.
" I'm the guy with the axe gun.
Isn't that game banned everywhere? I only play banned games.
- Why do you have a laugh button? - Because it's funny! - You just don't get it, kid! - I'm not a kid! Die! Ah still got it! Hey, Jessica, maybe give the brownies a rest.
All that sugar can make you sick.
Back off! Fergus! Don't touch that! I'm Tinkerbell! Look, I'm a coat! In your face! Enjoy your back to school shopping, losers! Yeah, ah they picked the wrong day to visit a retail outlet.
Good stabbing, Joel.
Food court? More like blood court! "Blood court.
" Good one.
- Hey, where's your bathroom? - Right here.
You wanna play with the big boys, you gotta wear a diaper.
They're adult, so it's cool.
This whip cream tastes soapy! This is the worst sleepover ever! Nannies, nannies, short term nannies, rent-a-nanny Bingo! Wow.
This is what you get when you look up short-notice nannies.
What was your name again? Nanny, with an N.
So, these are the kids right? You want me to take care of these kids? All all of them? Are there more? She smells like everything I'm allergic to.
You're allergic to coffee, cigarillos and ranch dip? Children are the most precious gift of all.
Pretty sure this is all of them.
I kind of lost count.
I do that all the time too! So I suppose you're going to want to see my references and my resume? Nope.
That sticker's good enough for me.
What do you want to play now? I got "Chainsaw puppy mill", "Captain Flamethrower visits the children's hospital", "Bazooka face explosion" Umm I forgot, my Mom says I'm not supposed to watch stuff like this.
So? Who cares?! Parents are stupid! Oooh! This one we're playing this one.
- What is it? - It doesn't have a name.
No one knows what it's about! Just get ready to pop some serious murder wood! Rudi! Hi! Um, uh, so I was wondering.
If you're out here, then where are the kids? - With the nanny.
- What nanny? The one I hired to watch the kids.
I am so much more suited to delegating.
Now it's my time or should I say, "mai tai"? Oh! How did you find her? Does she have references? What if she's deranged? Relax.
She has a sticker.
She's rustic but adequate.
Come on, I'll show ya.
No! They're gone! Rudi what happened to our children? Okay.
So on a scale of one to probably-shouldn't-do-it where do you think hiring a last minute nanny off of craigslist lands? Fergus?! Ferg? Fergy, Fergus?! - Fergus! - Dammit.
No answer on her phone! Fergus! Don't tell! Please don't tell! The industry is so ageist! Space ass, what did the "there's no possible way I could have known she was crazy" lady do with the kids? Uh said something about jam or was it bunions? Hearing's scuppered.
Kids like their rappity-hop so loud these days! Rudi, you let a crazy lady steal our children? Sarah, don't assume the worst.
She probably just took them out for ice cream or something.
She's a professional, not some lunatic.
"Lunatic minder loses mind!" "Maniac nanny!" "Danger for hire!" - Well, that could mean anything.
- We have to call the police! Well.
Somebody already did! Chaz Brenton live at the Willowdale Zoo, where the maniac nanny has struck again.
This time in the gorilla cage with what looks like a bunch of child prostitutes.
See Kevin? I told you I could give you a family! Why won't you love me? Kevin! Police are moving.
None too soon in this reporter's opinion.
It's time these prosti-tots were taken off our streets.
See, I told you they would be safe.
They're with the police! - I am going to get my son.
- Can I get a ride with you? I'm supposed to pick up a cheque! Great! Now use your chopsticks to eat its eyes! I can't! I'm American! Machete! Machete! Nice.
Way to go.
Oh, intestine noose! Cool - Oh! - Way to go, ballsack! Now I gotta start the level over.
What's that smell? I think I hear my Mom calling.
- Oh, like you all are perfect.
- Mommy! Oh! Fergus.
Hey Apple! Did you have a fun adventure that mommy totally planned to make sure you were never in danger? Are you the mother of the hooker? She is not a hooker! She's a ho, and she's five.
- I'm a blimp! - "Pimp.
" Pretend pimp.
Anyway, thanks for rescuing the kids.
So where do I sign to get them out of here? Not so fast, ma'am.
You're free to go with your kid, blondie.
Um, who are you? Are you with the police? Name's Dunk child services.
And you're not getting your kid back until you can prove that you're a fit mother.
Me? Name one thing I've done that makes me an unfit mother.
You hired a felon off of craigslist to look after your children! Name two things I've ever done that make me an unfit mother.
Nothing? C'mon, that's a classic comedy set up.
Nothing about this is funny.
You're scheduled for a home visit so I can see if the environment is suitable and safe for children.
Alright, kid.
Let's go.
"Suitable and safe" can mean a lot of things.
Mom? Apple? Mom? Mom, if this is a test, I don't want to be a teenager! Ever! I killed it Mommy! I'm still a kid, I swear! Check my diaper.
It's full! You didn't kill anything, sweetie.
You just hurt a children's party DJ, so there's nothing to worry about.
Not just him everything! Stabbing and shooting isn't as fun as I thought! So much blood! So much blood! I promise I'll never play the game with no name again.
- "The game with no name?" - Banned worldwide.
I'm sure that's not what he meant.
Everything's fine.
The kids are coming with me.
See you in family court in the morning, where you better have a good excuse for this fiasco.
She let me hang from the ceiling by my neck! - I love her! - Not helping, Fergus.
- Mommy? - I don't want to go! What am I going to do? I'll tell you what you're gonna do.
You're going to march right into that courtroom and convince them that Dick and Apple belong here with you.
How the hell am I going to do that? You've seen me parent.
Nobody's a perfect parent, Rudi.
You're just less than a nobody.
No.
That didn't come out right.
Just explain to them what happened and tell them how much you love your kids and you love being a mother.
- So you want me to lie? - No! Huh.
Sarah! Sarah! You ready? It's almost show time.
Mommy! Nah ah, sorry kids, she has not been cleared for hugging by the court.
All rise.
Rudi Wilson, after a sleepover akin to a whore-ridden bachelorette party in Ibiza, you are hereby charged with proving yourself a fit mother to the satisfaction of this court.
Your honor.
I am a good mother.
Your honor, I am a good mother.
I provide my children a healthy and nurturing environment and make sure they Fergus don't pull no Fergus give it back don't put it in your mouth.
Okay, look.
I may not be the best mother.
Maybe I am guilty of the occasional bad judgement losing them at the liquor store, thinking they can drive, and yes, hiring a deranged felon to babysit them Oh, not really sure where I was going with this.
- Can I start again? - Those are all prosecutable offenses.
Then I would like to object to what I just said and plead the fifth.
The proper care of your children is the first priority of a parent.
As such So it's all about good parenting is it? You know who had good parents? Hitler.
You know who else? Jeffrey Dahlmer.
So let's just throw that little BS theory out the window.
Parenting is trial and error.
You win some, you lose some.
Your honor, she isn't fit to raise children.
She allowed this boy to play "the game with no name!" Lord have mercy! The hell I did! That was my neighbour Greg.
He's the one that should be on trial.
It is your job to ensure they are properly cared for regardless of where they are.
- Do you even have kids? - Well no, but But nothing! Well, I do, okay? My kids are pretty clean, they eat every day, go to school, and so far neither one of them is dead.
And just maintaining that level of parenting is a hell of a lot of work.
I needed some help.
Show me one single mother who doesn't need help.
It didn't work out.
No one got hurt.
Lesson learned! Aw, who am I to separate a mother from her kids? Judgement for the defence.
Yay! Yippy! Mommy! Ah.
Can you believe it? Apple's at another sleepover.
It's like the fifth one this week.
Ah, well the other parents really like Apple and, well, they're sort of taking turns to make sure she's looked after.
It takes a village to raise a child.
Hit it, space ass!