Mr Black (2019) s01e08 Episode Script
Episode 8
Doc, just give it to me straight, how long have I got? What? A year? Or six months? Hey, we've been through this before, mate, ankylosing spondylitis is not a death sentence.
Not to you.
My advice to you is to get off the scooter and do some walking.
I mean, you can't get enough exercise.
- Have you tried yoga? - Yoga is for wankers.
- Pilates? - Wankers who don't want to stretch.
Zumba? I don't even know what that is, but it sounds sleazy.
I happen to like hooning around on my scooter.
See, people like you are a menace on the footpath.
- You're a menace.
- I've had three patients come in this week who've been run over by scooters.
Really? Only three? Guess my bloody average is slipping, then, isn't it? Thanks for nothing, Jim.
No worries, Pete.
Mr Black, please.
Hey.
[HORN HONKS, BRAKES SCREECH.]
Hey, would you mind shelling these peas? Really, babe? I have to write.
Why can't we buy loose peas? Yeah, babe, why don't you buy loose peas? Fine.
Next time, you can do the shopping and you can buy whatever peas you like.
I think I speak on behalf of Angela and myself when I say that he who buys the peapods shells the peas.
Excuse me, Dad, I'm the only one that speaks for Angela, and I will shell the peas.
Ugh.
You kids don't know how to argue.
When Ro and I used to argue, it was great, I'd present my side of the argument and she'd threaten me with a knife.
That happened one time.
How's the article coming along? Doesn't matter how good the research I'm writing is, everyone at work thinks I got the job because of Dad.
No.
My reputation's only one reason you're at the paper, love.
The other is female quotas, right? Joking.
And it's because she's an amazing investigative reporter, who's about to be nominated for a Journalist Association Award.
We don't know that yet.
- Yes, we do.
- Yes, we do.
It'll happen.
And when it does, you can leave all this nepotism rubbish behind.
And if you need me to have a word with anyone about the nepotism, I'd be more than happy to.
I'll be right, Dad.
And thank you for having faith in me.
[SIGHS.]
Seeing you two together is like seeing a fat bloke at a sushi restaurant, it makes no sense.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
- Hi.
- Fin.
- Yeah.
- Remember me? It's Greta Buckmeister from Bendigo State School.
Oh.
Okay, yeah.
Right.
You were a year above me and we played mixed netball together.
Uh, did we? Oh, okay.
Yep.
And then a few years later, we hooked up at the Underground.
Oh, Greta! Yeah, sorry.
You were friends with Simone.
- Yeah, that's right.
- Yeah.
- Oh, didn't we hook up at Peppers? - Oh, no.
We kissed at Peppers.
Then you fingered me at the Underground.
- Oh, my gosh.
- And then we went back to my place.
Wow.
Okay.
Um, yeah.
I just Oh, I could have sworn that I fingered you at Peppers.
Don't remember.
[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY.]
Um, cool.
So Look, I can't stay long because I've got to go pick up my son - from piano lessons.
- Wow, you have a son.
- How old is he? - He's six.
Six.
Wow.
Okay, so what? You had him the year after we had our little one-night stand.
Yeah, had him nine months after our one-night stand, to be exact.
Oh, wow.
That is so weird.
Who's the father? You are.
[STAMMERS.]
It's coming back to me now.
We used condoms.
Yeah, but one of your little soldiers managed to escape and helped create our son, Bacardi.
Bacardi? That's his Is that even a Isn't that a girl's name? You know, gender is fluid and I didn't want him to be influenced by a gender-specific name.
Also, I was drinking Bacardi the night he was conceived.
Oh.
Huh.
Um wow.
Okay.
Um, how come you didn't let me know? Oh, well, you went off to uni and I guess I was embarrassed.
Okay, so, like, is there something I need to do? Oh, no, no.
God, no.
No.
I just thought he might want to know who his father is.
Yeah, of course.
How about tomorrow morning, we'll be at Aromas at 11am, if you want to meet him, you can stop by, if you don't, that's fine.
- Okay.
- Great.
- [SIGHS.]
- Who was it? Uh, Jehovah's Witnesses.
You right, mate? You look like you've seen a ghost.
Hmm? Uh, no, no, no.
I'm good, I'm good.
You sure? If you need to get anything off your chest, we're always here for you.
Yes, thank you, but I am good.
- Totally sure? - Yes.
'Cause we're here if you ever need us.
Yeah, I'm good, alright?! I'm good! Just I - Whoa, settle down.
- Thank you.
Dad was just trying to be nice.
[SIGHS CONTENTEDLY.]
- [COMPUTER CHIMES.]
- Were you nominated? I don't know.
Something's wrong with the site.
I think it crashed under the weight of journalists needing validation.
[CHUCKLES.]
Well, good luck, babe.
- D'you want a ride to the station? - No, I need the walk.
- Okay.
- Thanks.
Bye.
Bye.
- Hey.
Ooh.
- Ooh.
[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY.]
- Bacardi, this is Fin.
- Hi.
Hello, mate.
How you going? - Good.
- What are you playing there? - A game.
- Ah - [CHARACTER SCREAMS.]
- Oh, wow.
Let's hope he doesn't grow up to be too homicidal.
Oh, no.
Studies have shown there's no link between video games and violence.
[CAMERA BEEPS, SHUTTER CLICKS.]
- When did you come to Melbourne? - A few weeks ago.
Wish you'd told me about him earlier, I could have helped out.
Oh, no.
It was my decision to have him.
I didn't want to destroy your life as well as mine.
[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY.]
Well, not only would you not have destroyed my life, but I could have helped with naming him.
Do you have a problem with Bacardi? No, no, no.
I just I mean, I don't know many kids named after alcoholic beverages, that's all.
That's weird.
I know heaps.
Um, now, I wanted to transfer you some money 'cause you've probably had heaps of expenses.
Oh, it's okay.
No.
I've gone We've come this far without help, I'm not gonna ask for it now.
Thought you might say that, so I've written you a cheque.
A what? Just take it to a bank, they'll know what to do with it.
[GUN FIRES IN VIDEO GAME, CHARACTER SCREAMS.]
Oh, wow.
That's pretty cool how you shot that guy right in the head and the blood squirts all over the screen.
- [CHARACTER SCREAMS.]
- Oh, he's alive again.
Hey, um, maybe we could organise, like, a play date or something.
Yeah, yeah, sure.
- [SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY.]
- [CAMERA BEEPS, SHUTTER CLICKS.]
[DOG BARKS.]
"Dear Fin"? What? No good? Well, I don't think this generation says 'dear' anymore.
What about 'babe'? Maybe, but I can't bring myself to type that.
- 'Dear dickhead'? - Perfect.
Though he might see through that.
Hard to know.
Well, let's look at other emails she's sent as a template.
I'm not going through my own daughter's emails! Well, I'm curious as to where you draw the moral line because we're on her computer, composing an email from her account to her boyfriend.
That's just good parenting.
Yeah yeah, I'm not a snoop.
Just write 'Fin', comma, after all, you know, she's being serious.
'Fin', comma "It has come to my attention that you have a child.
" No.
'Fin', comma, "I hear you've got a kid.
" "A friend of mine saw you and sent this.
" Brackets, "Pic attached.
" Okay.
Perfect.
"It's literally bullshit that you didn't tell me.
" No, no, she's a journo, mate, she knows the definition of literally.
She's also under 25.
Just put it in.
"I think it's best if we take a break while I deal with this.
" "I'd like you out of the house before I get home.
'K?" 'K'? What, did you just have a stroke? I'm not abbreviating an already abbreviated word, weirdo.
Actually I'm gonna use all four letters.
- No, no, no, don't - I'm using all four letters.
Yeah, but don't write 'K' or 'OK' 'cause she doesn't need his permission.
Ah, too bloody right.
How about 'yours sincerely'? No.
He's getting an email from his girlfriend, not a telegram from the Queen.
Just a single lowercase 'X' is best.
- That's good.
- [CHUCKLES.]
Now, send.
We go into sent items, delete file from there, and no trace.
Perfect crime, as long as they never speak to each other again.
Mate, this is the best thing we've co-written since we busted Warney and those strippers with the - The blow-up doll? - the blow-up doll.
- [LAUGHS.]
- Oh, shit.
What? I forgot to delete 'K'.
[PHONE CHIMES.]
ANGELA'S VOICE: I think it's best if we take a break while I deal with this.
I'd like you out of the house before I get home.
'K? - 'K'? What? - [PHONE CHIMES.]
Please respect my decision and don't hit reply.
Peace out.
Peace out? [CROWD APPLAUDING.]
MAN: Alright, bit of shush, everyone, bit of shush.
Thank you.
We have two nominees in the category of Young Journalist of the Year, Jess Myers for her story about the guy who made the bomb threat to get out of work, 'Sicko Chucks Sickie', and Angela Black for the piece she wrote about the guy wearing the 'I have drugs' T-shirt who was actually then arrested for having drugs with the headline 'The Truth Shirts'.
So, look, round of applause for all of our nominees.
And if you missed out, it's possibly because you're a B-grade hack and part of the reason this paper's going under.
So, back to work.
Hey, super sick that we're both nominated.
Yeah, we'll have to get frocked up together.
Yeah, but I hope it doesn't get weird.
- How do you mean? - I hope you don't resent me when I win.
Oh, of course, as long as you don't resent me when I win.
[CHUCKLES.]
Very funny.
This trash-talking thing is gonna be fun, isn't it? Two for me.
Ah, Fin.
- Fin.
- What's happening? - I'm out of here.
- No.
Congratulations, Mr Black, you won.
Really? I don't remember landing the knockout blow.
No, you didn't.
I had a one-night stand six years ago, which I've just discovered produced a child.
- Ooh - Yeah.
Angela found out before I could talk to her and now she wants some space.
Well, what's the mother of your child like? No, no, no, no.
Fin probably wants to head off, Malcolm.
Well, maybe you could grow to love her.
No.
No, I love Angela.
Fin, you know a couple doesn't necessarily need to love each other.
I'm a veteran of a 10-year loveless marriage, and I discovered the secret to them is to find other interests.
In my case, I was gay, so I just threw myself into journalism and business trips to Sydney.
Um, here's where I'm staying, in case Angela changes her mind.
- Ooh! Imported beer? - Oh, yes, please, sir.
What a thought.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Guess I won't be needing this anymore.
Oh.
Hm.
- Oh, shit.
- Ooh, you alright? Ange, hey, since the awards are going to be televised, do you want to go halves on someone to do our make-up? - Okay.
- Hang on.
It's probably not worth the expense for you because you only get a close-up if you win.
[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS.]
MALCOLM: Hah! You're amazing.
Oh, is that my favourite nominee? - Ah, hello! - The woman of the hour! Oh, look at her! Congratulations! - Come here.
- You're amazing! Here we go! - [POP!.]
- [CHUCKLES.]
Where the bloody hell did you pull that from? Oh, I always keep a party popper in my pocket, just in case of good news.
There's a lot about you I don't know, isn't there, Malcolm? - I'm an enigma.
- Thanks, Malcolm.
- I appreciate it.
- No worries, gorgeous.
And thanks, Dad.
I just hope it gets me out of your lovely shadow and earns me recognition as a journalist in my own right.
I'm sure it will, especially if I have a word to the judging committee.
Dad! Fin, you home? [PHONE CHIMES.]
[SIGHS.]
Can either of you tell me what I had in mind when I sent this photo to Fin and told him to move out? Photo? Don't know what you're talking about.
Me neither.
And even if we did know what you were talking about, which we don't, how did you get a copy, when there's no copy on your computer? I would have thought.
Since you didn't send it and neither did anyone else.
I got a notification on my phone that a copy of the email had been stored in the cloud.
- BOTH: Oh, the cloud.
- I forgot about the clouds.
You don't know how the cloud works, do you? - No.
- No.
Where's Fin? - [SIGHS.]
Cloud.
- Cloud.
[KNOCKS.]
Whatever you need to be the best father you can possibly be, I'll be there for you.
I can't believe you thought this was from me.
It looks like some old guys literally googled "words young people use" and randomly threw them in an email.
Yeah, well, it did seem weird, but, you know, it came from your email address.
I don't know what I'm more offended by, the fact that you didn't tell me you had a kid, or that you think I'd say 'K' instead of 'OK'.
I wasn't thinking clearly.
Well, you had a lot on your mind, being a new dad and all.
I was only told about the kid two days ago, and, you know, because we had used condoms, you know, I wanted to meet him to make sure that he was really mine.
'Condoms'? Plural? Oh, yeah.
Back then, I used to double bag.
Yeah.
Are you sure he's yours? He's just like me, he's overly sensitive and he has no hand-eye coordination.
I threw a ball to him and it bounced off his neck and hit a duck and he started crying.
- That does sound like you.
- Oh, yeah.
Oh, I gotta go.
I've gotta take Bacardi on a play date.
Oh, I don't think you should go drinking with your son.
No, no.
That's his name.
I'm coming with you.
[KNOCKS.]
- Hi.
- Hello.
Come in.
It's so great to meet you, Angela.
Sorry about all this.
No worries at all.
Bacardi, say hi to Daddy and Angela.
Hi, Daddy and Angela.
It's alright that he calls you Daddy, isn't it? - He's just so excited.
- Yeah, yeah, of course.
Whenever we're watching telly and your Coco Pops ad comes on, I say, "Bacardi, Daddy wrote this," and we just marvel at how smart you are.
Oh.
How do you know Fin wrote the Coco Pops ad? Everyone in Bendigo knows.
We're really proud.
I hope this isn't too strange for you.
I don't think you were on the scene, though, when Fin and I had our fling.
No, no.
Fin and I didn't meet until this year, so before that, he was free to have sex with whomever he wanted, whatever they were drinking.
Cool.
Bacardi has been so happy and relaxed since he met you.
I'm just hoping that we can cut down on his appointments at the shrink.
Shrink? Yeah, he's a little on the spectrum.
So, thanks for taking responsibility.
Yeah.
Yeah, no.
Of course.
Anything I can do to help.
Actually, um, I mean, there's some bills have come up.
So, you know, maybe just until your cheque clears.
Okay, sure.
I'll go get his play date bag.
Do you want to come with me? I can show you his room, we can choose what toys to take.
- Sure.
- Cool.
OK.
Angela's great.
Oh, thank you.
Yes.
Yeah, I really like her.
- So, this is his room - Oh [CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS.]
So, I'll pick him up from your place around 5:00 and, uh, good luck.
- Bye.
- Alrighty.
- Shush.
- I didn't say anything.
I'm not talking to you, I'm talking to your face.
- Oh! - Ah, ah.
Get your front foot to the pitch of the ball and play with a straight bat, please.
If you think you're going to play for Australia with a technique like that, you are sadly mistaken.
He's just a kid, let him have some fun.
It's great, Bacardi.
Keep trying.
Ahh.
If you're going to employ a laissez-faire approach to child rearing, then that's your prerogative.
But a word of warning, it doesn't turn out champions, it turns out people like you.
Well, I think Bacardi's doing a great job.
Yeah, well, that goes to show how much you know about cricket.
Well, I want to raise my son the way I want.
I'm not going to stand by and let you do that.
You see, I know a shitload more about cricket and child rearing than you ever will.
Well, that may be so, but you're not his father.
How many Fins have played for Australia? None.
How many Peters have played? Ooh, let me just let's count 'em out, Peter Taylor, Peter Siddle, Peter Handscombe, - Peter Forrest, Peter bloody - Warne.
- Oh - He was one.
I rest my case.
Alright, Bacardi, let's try Bacardi? Ooh, the odds have come in for the Young Journalist of the Year and Centrebet have me at two to one on.
That must have been a punch.
Sorry, I don't have time to trash talk.
I'm doing journalism stuff.
- How was your swim, mate? - Good.
Oh, good, good.
Hey, here's an idea, why don't we keep the swim to ourselves? We don't really need to worry your mum about it, or child welfare.
Encouraging the kid to withhold information from his mum and play with a cross bat, you are a shocking dad.
Your polemic about unorthodox cricket shots is the reason he nearly drowned.
Uh, no, no.
You allowing yourself to become distracted is the reason he nearly drowned.
You see, a proper dad knows where his kid is at all times, no matter how many beers he's had.
Isn't there some other relationship you could be destroying? You're right.
See, I've been trying to expand my reach, when really I should have been concentrating on dissolving you and Angela.
I'll get back to that now.
Good talk, Daddy.
[DOOR OPENS.]
Through there.
Here we go.
[LAUGHS WITH RELIEF.]
- Daddy.
- Hey, mate.
Oh! Go and get your stuff, alright? He's my boy.
Haven't seen him for a few weeks.
Right.
[SIGHS.]
[CHUCKLES.]
'Cause, you know, Greta told me that Yeah, Angela filled me in.
I mean, we can go and get a DNA test if you like, but Greta and I got together about a month after you guys had your fling.
Oh, well, I mean, it wasn't really a fling, it was more of a Fingering followed by a quickie.
Yeah, mate, I heard.
And unlike you, they didn't use condoms.
Oh.
Look, we've been together for six years, and about two months ago, I lost my job at Wok and Roll, uh, a few weeks after that [WHISTLES.]
she just ups and goes.
Oh, jeez.
Sounds like you really hit 'wok' bottom.
Sorry.
I work in advertising.
- There you go.
- What are you doing here? I miss my wife and son.
Well, you should have tried harder to keep your job or at least made an attempt to get another one.
I'm trying to get another one.
And I'm trying to give our son the best life possible.
What? By tricking this sweet, gullible fool into thinking that the kid was his? Ooh, sorry.
Um, just so everyone knows, I would have got around to getting a DNA test and suggesting a name change.
Look, I've got an interview with Wok This Way next week.
If I get this gig, will you come home? Please? So, we can be a family? I've got a really good feeling about this one.
That's what you said about Wok The Boat.
Yeah, babe, the Wok The Boat guys weren't that serious.
Wok This Way seems serious.
OK, if you get the job, I'll come home.
[SIGHS.]
Greta! Oh, sorry to just barge in, but Evian is so excited to see Bacardi.
- Hi, Gavin.
- Simone? Everyone, this is my friend Simone.
- Fin.
- Simone.
Hey.
My gosh.
I haven't seen you since - The Underground.
Right? - Yeah.
Or was it Peppers? I think it was a bit of both, according to memory.
[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY.]
- You look good.
- Oh, thank you.
So do you.
Sorry.
This is my girlfriend, Angela.
- Hello.
- Hi.
Ooh, and this is my son, Evian.
Well, this isn't awkward.
Who's for some champagne? Oh, so, it wasn't a DNA match? Oh, I'm sorry, babe.
In the last 24 hours, you've gone from having two different kids to none.
The good news is I've got a little crystal man that you can take care of.
Yeah, he's very quiet and you're welcome to name him whatever you like.
I'm not grumpy, I'm just a little agitated by the injustice of it all.
You know? I know I shouldn't care, but my Uber rating's dropped by .
02.
Ooh, .
02? I'm so sorry for your loss.
Is there anything I can do? Not anymore, no.
I deleted the app.
Don't you think you might be overreacting? No, Angela, I'm the perfect passenger.
I always wait out the front.
I've got great personal hygiene.
I never slam the door, and, you know, I ask them about themselves in that authentically curious, non-cliched, Andrew Denton sort of way.
Oh, you sound awesome.
Also, I always look genuinely interested when they give me their headshots and tell me that they should be in one of my ads.
No, I now have, like, 70 photos of people that would be perfect to play Uber drivers.
MR BLACK: "Hey, Fin, I won a giant teddy bear at the golf club.
" "It's in the sunroom.
" "Thought it might be nice to give to Angela.
" So, what's your rating now? - 4.
86, dropping from 4.
88.
- Oof.
You know, for a while there, I was actually five, until the time the driver farted and then looked in the mirror - just as I was making a face.
- Aww! So, I read an article that if your rating's over 4.
8, you're a suck.
- [CHUCKLES.]
Yeah, well, that - [SCREAMS.]
- Jesus Chr - What happened? The teddy bear! [WHIMPERS.]
What? The teddy bear! T-t-teddy bear! - [HUFFS.]
- [SIGHS.]
Snowflake.
Look at that.
See? Lead doesn't get stuck, 'cause it's Someone's put some thought into that.
Boss, we we noticed you don't have a crime investigation unit.
All the papers have got them.
Like, The Washington Post has Woodward and Bernstein.
The Age has Rule and Silvester.
The Telegraph has All the papers have them.
And we think The Post should have one, and we want to start off by doing a series on advanced surveillance and interrogation techniques used by the police.
Yeah, that's a rabbit hole you don't wanna go down.
You do a story on interrogation and surveillance.
Then you think it's a good idea to put your partner under surveillance, then you you find out he's cheating on you with a Vodafone rep.
It it's a slippery slope.
That's would never happen to me.
My boyfriend would never cheat.
And I'm with Telstra.
Look, this investigation unit, it's not gonna get in the way of your African gang stories, is it? - Absolutely not.
- Mm, good.
'Cause Thomas has come up with a good headline.
"Behave or We're Ghana Send You Home.
" "It's Our Way or Zimbabwe.
" "Kenya Go Back to Where You Came From?" You see? This shit writes itself.
Now we just gotta find some misbehaving Africans.
Thanks for this.
God, it's surprisingly difficult to find decent subjects.
Of course.
Fin! - FIN: Yes? - Stop writing your twaddle.
Come in here.
There's someone I want you to meet.
This is Julia.
Julia, this is Fin.
- Hello.
- Hi.
Julia was a cartoonist at the paper before becoming one of Australia's best up-and-coming portrait artists.
Oh, hmm! She's looking for someone to paint, and against my better judgement, I, uh, thought of you.
Ah, cool! Cool, I love portraiture.
I go and see the Archibald every year.
Oh, which artist do you like the best? Ah, oh, yeah.
Oh, um er, well, I I don't think you can go past Anh Do, you know? I mean, should we sneer at him just because he's popular? Absolutely not.
I love Anh as well.
Yeah, Fin.
No-one's sneering at Anh.
So, before I decide to paint someone, Fin, I like to get to know a little bit about them.
- Ah, sure thing.
- Yeah.
Uh, Peter tells me that you're an advertising copywriter.
Yeah, that's right.
So, what do you like best about copywriting? - Ah, oh, the hours.
- [GIGGLES.]
Well, what do you think you'd be if you weren't a copywriter? Oh, I I literally have no other skills.
It's actually quite concerning, and so, yeah, I might turn to a life of crime or stand-up comedy.
[CHUCKLES.]
Well, is there anything exciting on your bucket list? Uh, no, no.
Sorry, I I don't really like experiencing new things, so Well, um, what do you least like about yourself? Oh, uh oh! My Uber rating.
It just dropped below 4.
9.
I cannot raise it, no matter how pleasant I am.
Australian Uber drivers are the worst.
My rating always goes down when I come back to Australia.
- Really? - Yeah.
Maybe that's it! Thank you.
Um, okay, how would you describe your sense of style? Uh, oh, well yeah, it's it's a homeopathic approach to fashion.
Uh, I don't want to draw attention to myself, but you've gotta be careful in trying not to draw attention to yourself.
You don't want to inadvertently draw attention to yourself.
Hmm I'm sorry, Jules.
I've sold you a dud here.
Oh, on the contrary, I I find him quite interesting.
Fin, would you do me the honour of letting me paint your portrait? It'll take three days, a thousand bucks, cash in hand.
Yeah, of course! That'd be fantastic.
- Great! Um, I'll go get my paint.
- Yeah, sure.
And then get set up while you get your gear off.
What's that? Oh, I paint nude portraits.
So, clothes off.
Is that cool? Yeah, that that's cool, I guess.
Great.
I'll be back soon.
- [DOOR CLOSES.]
- Did you know about this? Maybe.
MALCOLM: So, how's the whole marriage thing going? Oh, it's all on hold.
Ange wants her dad's blessing.
Oh, God.
Who does he think he is, the bloody Pope? Yeah, a badly-dressed, racist, grumpy, anti-herpes Pope.
Fin, if you put a ring in front of her, she won't give a damn about Pete's blessing, I promise.
What are you boys talking about? Uh, just giving Fin the lowdown on posing nude, since it's something I've done many times myself.
Ah, well, make sure you spray his doodle.
- I don't want him blinding Julia.
- That's what we started with.
Why do you think it's taken so long? [SCOFFS.]
That's just disgusting.
Have you ever done anything like this before? I wore a body stocking when I played Flower B in the David Jones Christmas pantomime last year.
I'm joking.
It was when I was a kid.
I had a pretty weird childhood.
That is still pretty adorable.
What was weird about it? Oh, my brother Eric used to tell me that if I was annoying, uh, my parents would send me away just like they did with my older sister.
- But there was no older sister? - No, there was no older sister.
It was pretty full-on.
Yeah, he used to, um, cheat at Uno and open beers with his eye socket.
He could make a bong out of just about anything.
Well, Eric sounds great.
What's he up to now? He's a CEO of an investment bank and owns three boats.
See that freckle, above my left eye, there? That one there.
Do you think I should get that looked at? It's just, uh, I don't want to wait too long.
I might end up losing an eye.
Bob Marshall from The Finn Review, uh, ended up losing half his nose, and now he keeps his glasses up with surgical tape and Blu Tack.
Dad, I'm sure you're not gonna lose an eye between now and when I get home.
Hang on.
Who's that woman Fin's with? And why is he naked? So, after I left the paper, I studied fine art at Florence University for two years.
- Oh, that sounds incredible.
- Yeah, it was.
It was tough.
She just Julia was just telling Fin about Florence.
Okay.
Can you hear me? I can hear you.
[JULIA GIGGLES.]
Sorry, there's a lot of laughter going on there.
They remind me of, uh, you and Fin in the early days.
You weren't even around in our early days.
Well, well, how I imagine it would have been, uh, before you got sick of each other.
Is there a point to this call? Oh, no, no, no, no.
It's just nice to see a young couple, uh, enjoying themselves.
Not that they're the couple, of course.
You're the couple, but, uh, they are enjoying themselves, and one of them is very naked.
Uh, and, uh, did I mention Julia's single? Don't don't worry.
Don't worry.
I'll keep an eye on them.
I'll keep an eye on them, and, uh, make sure they don't both end up naked.
[CHUCKLES.]
Alright, bye-bye.
[CALL ENDS.]
So, what's Fin short for? Uh, Findley.
Yeah, that means "fair-haired Viking warrior.
" Oh, that's cool.
Yeah, but, uh, people call me, uh, Finster, Finstagram, and Dorsalfin, uh, Findaloo.
Justin Finberlake.
Fin Lizzy.
MR BLACK: Oi, Fin Lizzy? Grab a towel, please.
I don't want your balls touching that chair.
Hey, if you don't think it's fair that you're naked and I'm not, just tell me and I'll disrobe as well.
I've only got 20% body fat, which is average for an athlete, but for a cartoonist, it's unheard of.
Wow, that's, um, really impressive.
Uh, but, I I think I'm good.
Thank you.
Okay, I just want you to feel as comfortable as possible.
So, that interview with Dr Mike Edwards has been confirmed for tomorrow.
Ah, nailed it.
And Thomas wants to join our crime investigation unit.
He's sick of just being known as the pun guy.
Tell Thomas he can F off and form his own unit.
He's given us some cash to sweeten the deal.
- A hundred bucks?! - Actually, 90.
He wants 10 bucks back for lunch.
Of course he does.
No, I just think it's cool that we've got two young people in this house openly expressing themselves, and one of them is free of the shackles of clothes.
Why are you being weird? What's even cooler is you're allowing it to happen.
Well, I didn't really have a say in it, but people have been painting nude portraits of each other for hundreds of years without incident.
Without much incident.
Rembrandt, Rubens and Raphael all enjoyed a few incidents.
In fact, it's rumoured that Raphael died during an incident.
I'm sure they were the exception.
I don't think I've got anything to worry about.
You know, Julia is not more beautiful than you.
Now, you know I think you're a princess, but Julia's just got a certain worldliness and a va-va-voom factor.
Yeah, I get it, Dad.
You want to va-va-voom Julia.
No, I just hope that Fin doesn't va-va-voom Julia and ruin everything that we have.
If you cared about everything we have, you would have given us your blessing to get married and not suggested some vamp from work paint Fin in the nude.
You've set this whole thing up to drive a wedge between us.
Don't you worry about what I'm doing.
You worry about what lover boy's up to.
- Good morning.
- Hmm.
Morning.
[HUMS.]
What's everyone up to today? Interviewing a body language expert for a series on police interrogation.
He teaches police how to tell if the person they're interviewing is lying.
You don't need a body language expert for that.
If a crook has a tattoo on his neck, he did it.
Mm [HUMS.]
You all ready to nude up? I know you're just making a joke, but this whole experience has actually been a bit of an awakening.
Sounds sexual.
Is shaving your chest part of that awakening? Oh, Julia says that chest hair obscures the body's natural contours.
- Okay - And Julia says that I have really feline contours that she wants to accentuate.
Feline contours.
Like a pussy.
What else does Julia say? [CHUCKLES.]
Yeah, humans are essentially idiots.
Yeah, we have similar behaviour patterns when we're in a high-stress situation such as lying.
So, if I was to ask you a question and and you were lying or hiding something from me, you'd move your head quite quickly.
You might jerk it back or bow it down, tilt it to one side.
What about avoiding eye contact? [CHUCKLES.]
Oh, that's been debunked.
- I told you.
- Yeah.
People are happy to look you in the eye these days and tell you an untruth.
It's a technique they've learned from politicians and motor mechanics.
What are the other signs? Touching your mouth.
Uh, covering parts of your body that are vulnerable.
Phrase repetition.
Just out of interest, Doctor, how do you know when two people are attracted to each other? Interestingly, lying and attraction have similar patterns.
You know, rush of blood to the face, an increased heart rate.
Basically the same sort of stuff.
- Interesting.
- Mm.
Wish me luck, Grandma.
ANGELA: How's it all going with the portrait? Uh, yeah, good.
Really good.
Um, oh, Julia's lived in so many amazing places.
Apparently, she used to live in Florence.
How'd you know that? I think Dad might have said something.
Ah, right.
Well, yeah, she talks about walking the same streets that Michelangelo and Dante walked.
We have gotta go there one day, babe.
Maybe we can rollerblade those streets.
[CHUCKLES.]
Um, hey, listen So, you're gonna go with me and not Julia? What? Of course.
Why would I go with Julia? Ange, um, look, there's something I just had this weird dream last night that you two got together.
I think Dad's putting ideas in my head.
Unless, of course, you are gonna get together.
No way.
I mean, as if we'd get together.
There's no way we'd get together.
I mean, she's not even my type.
Why why would you think that? No reason.
I think I'm just tired.
Yeah, me too.
I've got a massive day tomorrow.
- Posing? - Yeah.
Right.
Goodnight.
Goodnight.
I owe you an apology.
- Really? - Yep.
I should never have invited Julia to paint Fin.
Now, last night, I was reading an interview with Victor Newsome, one of Britain's most famous artists, and he cast a dire warning on nude portraiture.
Said Newsome, "For me, the interest is entirely sexual.
" Uh, "How can it be otherwise? "That's the buzz.
" Look, again, I am sorry for putting your relationship in jeopardy and for inadvertently exposing Fin's apparent weakness for other women and his fetish for being nude around strangers.
Dad, our generation doesn't panic when our partners decide to live their life.
We trust each other.
And, besides, Julia's a friend of yours.
She's not gonna cross me.
Mm, well, Malcolm's a friend of mine too, isn't he? And look how he turned out.
A Fin sympathiser.
- And look at me.
- What about you? Well, you would have never thought that I could cheat on your mother, but I did.
Dad, I love you, but you're an arsehole.
- Of course you cheated on Mum.
- That's a good point.
Listen, Angie, I'm just saying, you never really know people, - not like you think you do.
- Well, I know Fin.
Tell me, why do you have a security camera in your bag? How do you know I have a security camera in my bag? I saw it on my security camera.
The one I keep to find dirt on Fin.
Same reason you keep yours, isn't it? It's just for a story I'm working on at the moment.
It's not for personal use.
Of course not.
In my opinion, the best place for it would be between the peacocks and the books, but that's just my opinion.
ANGELA: [ON RECORDING.]
How do you know when two people are attracted to each other? DR EDWARDS: Interestingly, lying and attraction have similar patterns.
A rush of blood to the face, an increased heart rate.
There might be a subtle touch of the forearm.
- Interesting.
- Mm.
Obviously, there's a bit of mirroring happening.
When two people are attracted to each other, there's a bit of licking of the lips going on.
Touching your mouth.
Uh, covering parts of your body that are vulnerable.
But as I said, my expertise is catching criminals.
Actual criminals, not love criminals.
Sorry, I just RACE CALLER: Laughing Air back a length.
Our Potato and Floral Fever began well - Julia gone? - [TURNS OFF RADIO.]
Uh, I don't think so.
Her car's still in the driveway.
Right.
Do you know where they are? Sorry, love, no.
Maybe check the bedroom.
What are you looking at? [MOBILE DIALS.]
Fin, where are you? Call me back straight away.
Look, I wasn't going to say this, but at one stage in the game, Julia even offered to get naked with him.
Yeah, you did tell me that, and then you texted me, and then you sent an email.
- Do you have Julia's number? - 0491 470 159.
[MOBILE DIALS.]
Julia, it's Angela Black.
I'm just looking for you and Fin.
It'd be great if you could call me back when you're free, thanks.
Look, I was holding off on telling you this, but, uh, he wasn't right for you.
Dad, you told me that every day of our relationship.
Really? Well, I guess the important thing is to not get down about it.
You know, remain upbeat.
You don't want to be a drag to be around.
I just didn't think he was the kind of guy to do this sort of thing.
Chest hair, dead giveaway.
No man with only one woman on his mind has ever shaved his chest.
- Fact.
- Well, congrats on contriving a situation where it was almost impossible for him not to cheat.
My pleasure.
Actually, kudos to him because he survived all the tests that tripped up your previous boyfriends and some tests that I devised specifically for him that I thought were un-survivable.
He did so well.
And to think I was this close to giving the marriage my blessing.
[SCOFFS.]
Come off it, Dad.
You were never gonna give this marriage your blessing.
I had decided not to get in the way if you went and got married anyway.
Dad, if I'm ever fortunate enough to find love again, will you do me a massive favour and back the F off? Absolutely not.
Not if he's not up to scratch.
Well, good luck getting grandchildren.
We can always adopt.
We? [FOOTSTEPS APPROACH.]
Alright, now, go easy on him, love, alright? At least he cheated on you at home.
Didn't go to some sleazy motel.
Rooms by the hour.
Yuck.
[GUITAR PLAYS.]
I think you might have left something at home.
How did you know it was mine and not Dad's? Because I found your Dad's yesterday, in the same spot.
Ange, I can't believe you didn't trust me.
You displayed the body language traits of a liar when I asked if you were attracted to Julia, and you displayed the body language traits of a flirt when I was spying on you via the hidden camera.
Yeah, well, you shouldn't have been spying on me with the hidden camera in the first place.
And body language experts are about as reliable as astrologists.
I thought you believed in astrology.
Oh, right, yeah, turn it back on me.
- Classic Sagittarian.
- Well, you do, don't you? Well, I actually don't know what to believe anymore.
What I can't believe is that you would think I would cheat on you.
Ange, I want to marry you.
We'd be engaged by now if you didn't care so much about your dad's blessing.
Why don't you forget about my dad? I can't forget about your dad because he's watching me every minute of every day, trying to trip me up with one of his stupid tests.
I think we're strong enough to survive without his blessing.
Did you see the portrait? Yeah.
Thoughts? It's lovely.
Who is it supposed to be? Yeah, I think Malcolm might have gone a bit hard with the tan.
Actually, Julia did another one.
It's, um more of a a proposal of something bigger than a finished work.
Angela Black will you marry me? Ah, ah, don't do it.
Don't do it.
Let's talk about this.
Please? - Yes.
- [GROANS.]
[SIGHS.]
Well, don't expect me to reach for the pocket.
[GIGGLES.]
You couldn't put your clothes back on for this one? We were on a really tight deadline.
So, with the one large, will it be cash or will you transfer it directly into my account? Well, how would you like it? Ah, either way is fine, as long as I get it.
Apparently, I've got a wedding to pay for.
Or not.
Not to you.
My advice to you is to get off the scooter and do some walking.
I mean, you can't get enough exercise.
- Have you tried yoga? - Yoga is for wankers.
- Pilates? - Wankers who don't want to stretch.
Zumba? I don't even know what that is, but it sounds sleazy.
I happen to like hooning around on my scooter.
See, people like you are a menace on the footpath.
- You're a menace.
- I've had three patients come in this week who've been run over by scooters.
Really? Only three? Guess my bloody average is slipping, then, isn't it? Thanks for nothing, Jim.
No worries, Pete.
Mr Black, please.
Hey.
[HORN HONKS, BRAKES SCREECH.]
Hey, would you mind shelling these peas? Really, babe? I have to write.
Why can't we buy loose peas? Yeah, babe, why don't you buy loose peas? Fine.
Next time, you can do the shopping and you can buy whatever peas you like.
I think I speak on behalf of Angela and myself when I say that he who buys the peapods shells the peas.
Excuse me, Dad, I'm the only one that speaks for Angela, and I will shell the peas.
Ugh.
You kids don't know how to argue.
When Ro and I used to argue, it was great, I'd present my side of the argument and she'd threaten me with a knife.
That happened one time.
How's the article coming along? Doesn't matter how good the research I'm writing is, everyone at work thinks I got the job because of Dad.
No.
My reputation's only one reason you're at the paper, love.
The other is female quotas, right? Joking.
And it's because she's an amazing investigative reporter, who's about to be nominated for a Journalist Association Award.
We don't know that yet.
- Yes, we do.
- Yes, we do.
It'll happen.
And when it does, you can leave all this nepotism rubbish behind.
And if you need me to have a word with anyone about the nepotism, I'd be more than happy to.
I'll be right, Dad.
And thank you for having faith in me.
[SIGHS.]
Seeing you two together is like seeing a fat bloke at a sushi restaurant, it makes no sense.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
- Hi.
- Fin.
- Yeah.
- Remember me? It's Greta Buckmeister from Bendigo State School.
Oh.
Okay, yeah.
Right.
You were a year above me and we played mixed netball together.
Uh, did we? Oh, okay.
Yep.
And then a few years later, we hooked up at the Underground.
Oh, Greta! Yeah, sorry.
You were friends with Simone.
- Yeah, that's right.
- Yeah.
- Oh, didn't we hook up at Peppers? - Oh, no.
We kissed at Peppers.
Then you fingered me at the Underground.
- Oh, my gosh.
- And then we went back to my place.
Wow.
Okay.
Um, yeah.
I just Oh, I could have sworn that I fingered you at Peppers.
Don't remember.
[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY.]
Um, cool.
So Look, I can't stay long because I've got to go pick up my son - from piano lessons.
- Wow, you have a son.
- How old is he? - He's six.
Six.
Wow.
Okay, so what? You had him the year after we had our little one-night stand.
Yeah, had him nine months after our one-night stand, to be exact.
Oh, wow.
That is so weird.
Who's the father? You are.
[STAMMERS.]
It's coming back to me now.
We used condoms.
Yeah, but one of your little soldiers managed to escape and helped create our son, Bacardi.
Bacardi? That's his Is that even a Isn't that a girl's name? You know, gender is fluid and I didn't want him to be influenced by a gender-specific name.
Also, I was drinking Bacardi the night he was conceived.
Oh.
Huh.
Um wow.
Okay.
Um, how come you didn't let me know? Oh, well, you went off to uni and I guess I was embarrassed.
Okay, so, like, is there something I need to do? Oh, no, no.
God, no.
No.
I just thought he might want to know who his father is.
Yeah, of course.
How about tomorrow morning, we'll be at Aromas at 11am, if you want to meet him, you can stop by, if you don't, that's fine.
- Okay.
- Great.
- [SIGHS.]
- Who was it? Uh, Jehovah's Witnesses.
You right, mate? You look like you've seen a ghost.
Hmm? Uh, no, no, no.
I'm good, I'm good.
You sure? If you need to get anything off your chest, we're always here for you.
Yes, thank you, but I am good.
- Totally sure? - Yes.
'Cause we're here if you ever need us.
Yeah, I'm good, alright?! I'm good! Just I - Whoa, settle down.
- Thank you.
Dad was just trying to be nice.
[SIGHS CONTENTEDLY.]
- [COMPUTER CHIMES.]
- Were you nominated? I don't know.
Something's wrong with the site.
I think it crashed under the weight of journalists needing validation.
[CHUCKLES.]
Well, good luck, babe.
- D'you want a ride to the station? - No, I need the walk.
- Okay.
- Thanks.
Bye.
Bye.
- Hey.
Ooh.
- Ooh.
[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY.]
- Bacardi, this is Fin.
- Hi.
Hello, mate.
How you going? - Good.
- What are you playing there? - A game.
- Ah - [CHARACTER SCREAMS.]
- Oh, wow.
Let's hope he doesn't grow up to be too homicidal.
Oh, no.
Studies have shown there's no link between video games and violence.
[CAMERA BEEPS, SHUTTER CLICKS.]
- When did you come to Melbourne? - A few weeks ago.
Wish you'd told me about him earlier, I could have helped out.
Oh, no.
It was my decision to have him.
I didn't want to destroy your life as well as mine.
[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY.]
Well, not only would you not have destroyed my life, but I could have helped with naming him.
Do you have a problem with Bacardi? No, no, no.
I just I mean, I don't know many kids named after alcoholic beverages, that's all.
That's weird.
I know heaps.
Um, now, I wanted to transfer you some money 'cause you've probably had heaps of expenses.
Oh, it's okay.
No.
I've gone We've come this far without help, I'm not gonna ask for it now.
Thought you might say that, so I've written you a cheque.
A what? Just take it to a bank, they'll know what to do with it.
[GUN FIRES IN VIDEO GAME, CHARACTER SCREAMS.]
Oh, wow.
That's pretty cool how you shot that guy right in the head and the blood squirts all over the screen.
- [CHARACTER SCREAMS.]
- Oh, he's alive again.
Hey, um, maybe we could organise, like, a play date or something.
Yeah, yeah, sure.
- [SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY.]
- [CAMERA BEEPS, SHUTTER CLICKS.]
[DOG BARKS.]
"Dear Fin"? What? No good? Well, I don't think this generation says 'dear' anymore.
What about 'babe'? Maybe, but I can't bring myself to type that.
- 'Dear dickhead'? - Perfect.
Though he might see through that.
Hard to know.
Well, let's look at other emails she's sent as a template.
I'm not going through my own daughter's emails! Well, I'm curious as to where you draw the moral line because we're on her computer, composing an email from her account to her boyfriend.
That's just good parenting.
Yeah yeah, I'm not a snoop.
Just write 'Fin', comma, after all, you know, she's being serious.
'Fin', comma "It has come to my attention that you have a child.
" No.
'Fin', comma, "I hear you've got a kid.
" "A friend of mine saw you and sent this.
" Brackets, "Pic attached.
" Okay.
Perfect.
"It's literally bullshit that you didn't tell me.
" No, no, she's a journo, mate, she knows the definition of literally.
She's also under 25.
Just put it in.
"I think it's best if we take a break while I deal with this.
" "I'd like you out of the house before I get home.
'K?" 'K'? What, did you just have a stroke? I'm not abbreviating an already abbreviated word, weirdo.
Actually I'm gonna use all four letters.
- No, no, no, don't - I'm using all four letters.
Yeah, but don't write 'K' or 'OK' 'cause she doesn't need his permission.
Ah, too bloody right.
How about 'yours sincerely'? No.
He's getting an email from his girlfriend, not a telegram from the Queen.
Just a single lowercase 'X' is best.
- That's good.
- [CHUCKLES.]
Now, send.
We go into sent items, delete file from there, and no trace.
Perfect crime, as long as they never speak to each other again.
Mate, this is the best thing we've co-written since we busted Warney and those strippers with the - The blow-up doll? - the blow-up doll.
- [LAUGHS.]
- Oh, shit.
What? I forgot to delete 'K'.
[PHONE CHIMES.]
ANGELA'S VOICE: I think it's best if we take a break while I deal with this.
I'd like you out of the house before I get home.
'K? - 'K'? What? - [PHONE CHIMES.]
Please respect my decision and don't hit reply.
Peace out.
Peace out? [CROWD APPLAUDING.]
MAN: Alright, bit of shush, everyone, bit of shush.
Thank you.
We have two nominees in the category of Young Journalist of the Year, Jess Myers for her story about the guy who made the bomb threat to get out of work, 'Sicko Chucks Sickie', and Angela Black for the piece she wrote about the guy wearing the 'I have drugs' T-shirt who was actually then arrested for having drugs with the headline 'The Truth Shirts'.
So, look, round of applause for all of our nominees.
And if you missed out, it's possibly because you're a B-grade hack and part of the reason this paper's going under.
So, back to work.
Hey, super sick that we're both nominated.
Yeah, we'll have to get frocked up together.
Yeah, but I hope it doesn't get weird.
- How do you mean? - I hope you don't resent me when I win.
Oh, of course, as long as you don't resent me when I win.
[CHUCKLES.]
Very funny.
This trash-talking thing is gonna be fun, isn't it? Two for me.
Ah, Fin.
- Fin.
- What's happening? - I'm out of here.
- No.
Congratulations, Mr Black, you won.
Really? I don't remember landing the knockout blow.
No, you didn't.
I had a one-night stand six years ago, which I've just discovered produced a child.
- Ooh - Yeah.
Angela found out before I could talk to her and now she wants some space.
Well, what's the mother of your child like? No, no, no, no.
Fin probably wants to head off, Malcolm.
Well, maybe you could grow to love her.
No.
No, I love Angela.
Fin, you know a couple doesn't necessarily need to love each other.
I'm a veteran of a 10-year loveless marriage, and I discovered the secret to them is to find other interests.
In my case, I was gay, so I just threw myself into journalism and business trips to Sydney.
Um, here's where I'm staying, in case Angela changes her mind.
- Ooh! Imported beer? - Oh, yes, please, sir.
What a thought.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Guess I won't be needing this anymore.
Oh.
Hm.
- Oh, shit.
- Ooh, you alright? Ange, hey, since the awards are going to be televised, do you want to go halves on someone to do our make-up? - Okay.
- Hang on.
It's probably not worth the expense for you because you only get a close-up if you win.
[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS.]
MALCOLM: Hah! You're amazing.
Oh, is that my favourite nominee? - Ah, hello! - The woman of the hour! Oh, look at her! Congratulations! - Come here.
- You're amazing! Here we go! - [POP!.]
- [CHUCKLES.]
Where the bloody hell did you pull that from? Oh, I always keep a party popper in my pocket, just in case of good news.
There's a lot about you I don't know, isn't there, Malcolm? - I'm an enigma.
- Thanks, Malcolm.
- I appreciate it.
- No worries, gorgeous.
And thanks, Dad.
I just hope it gets me out of your lovely shadow and earns me recognition as a journalist in my own right.
I'm sure it will, especially if I have a word to the judging committee.
Dad! Fin, you home? [PHONE CHIMES.]
[SIGHS.]
Can either of you tell me what I had in mind when I sent this photo to Fin and told him to move out? Photo? Don't know what you're talking about.
Me neither.
And even if we did know what you were talking about, which we don't, how did you get a copy, when there's no copy on your computer? I would have thought.
Since you didn't send it and neither did anyone else.
I got a notification on my phone that a copy of the email had been stored in the cloud.
- BOTH: Oh, the cloud.
- I forgot about the clouds.
You don't know how the cloud works, do you? - No.
- No.
Where's Fin? - [SIGHS.]
Cloud.
- Cloud.
[KNOCKS.]
Whatever you need to be the best father you can possibly be, I'll be there for you.
I can't believe you thought this was from me.
It looks like some old guys literally googled "words young people use" and randomly threw them in an email.
Yeah, well, it did seem weird, but, you know, it came from your email address.
I don't know what I'm more offended by, the fact that you didn't tell me you had a kid, or that you think I'd say 'K' instead of 'OK'.
I wasn't thinking clearly.
Well, you had a lot on your mind, being a new dad and all.
I was only told about the kid two days ago, and, you know, because we had used condoms, you know, I wanted to meet him to make sure that he was really mine.
'Condoms'? Plural? Oh, yeah.
Back then, I used to double bag.
Yeah.
Are you sure he's yours? He's just like me, he's overly sensitive and he has no hand-eye coordination.
I threw a ball to him and it bounced off his neck and hit a duck and he started crying.
- That does sound like you.
- Oh, yeah.
Oh, I gotta go.
I've gotta take Bacardi on a play date.
Oh, I don't think you should go drinking with your son.
No, no.
That's his name.
I'm coming with you.
[KNOCKS.]
- Hi.
- Hello.
Come in.
It's so great to meet you, Angela.
Sorry about all this.
No worries at all.
Bacardi, say hi to Daddy and Angela.
Hi, Daddy and Angela.
It's alright that he calls you Daddy, isn't it? - He's just so excited.
- Yeah, yeah, of course.
Whenever we're watching telly and your Coco Pops ad comes on, I say, "Bacardi, Daddy wrote this," and we just marvel at how smart you are.
Oh.
How do you know Fin wrote the Coco Pops ad? Everyone in Bendigo knows.
We're really proud.
I hope this isn't too strange for you.
I don't think you were on the scene, though, when Fin and I had our fling.
No, no.
Fin and I didn't meet until this year, so before that, he was free to have sex with whomever he wanted, whatever they were drinking.
Cool.
Bacardi has been so happy and relaxed since he met you.
I'm just hoping that we can cut down on his appointments at the shrink.
Shrink? Yeah, he's a little on the spectrum.
So, thanks for taking responsibility.
Yeah.
Yeah, no.
Of course.
Anything I can do to help.
Actually, um, I mean, there's some bills have come up.
So, you know, maybe just until your cheque clears.
Okay, sure.
I'll go get his play date bag.
Do you want to come with me? I can show you his room, we can choose what toys to take.
- Sure.
- Cool.
OK.
Angela's great.
Oh, thank you.
Yes.
Yeah, I really like her.
- So, this is his room - Oh [CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS.]
So, I'll pick him up from your place around 5:00 and, uh, good luck.
- Bye.
- Alrighty.
- Shush.
- I didn't say anything.
I'm not talking to you, I'm talking to your face.
- Oh! - Ah, ah.
Get your front foot to the pitch of the ball and play with a straight bat, please.
If you think you're going to play for Australia with a technique like that, you are sadly mistaken.
He's just a kid, let him have some fun.
It's great, Bacardi.
Keep trying.
Ahh.
If you're going to employ a laissez-faire approach to child rearing, then that's your prerogative.
But a word of warning, it doesn't turn out champions, it turns out people like you.
Well, I think Bacardi's doing a great job.
Yeah, well, that goes to show how much you know about cricket.
Well, I want to raise my son the way I want.
I'm not going to stand by and let you do that.
You see, I know a shitload more about cricket and child rearing than you ever will.
Well, that may be so, but you're not his father.
How many Fins have played for Australia? None.
How many Peters have played? Ooh, let me just let's count 'em out, Peter Taylor, Peter Siddle, Peter Handscombe, - Peter Forrest, Peter bloody - Warne.
- Oh - He was one.
I rest my case.
Alright, Bacardi, let's try Bacardi? Ooh, the odds have come in for the Young Journalist of the Year and Centrebet have me at two to one on.
That must have been a punch.
Sorry, I don't have time to trash talk.
I'm doing journalism stuff.
- How was your swim, mate? - Good.
Oh, good, good.
Hey, here's an idea, why don't we keep the swim to ourselves? We don't really need to worry your mum about it, or child welfare.
Encouraging the kid to withhold information from his mum and play with a cross bat, you are a shocking dad.
Your polemic about unorthodox cricket shots is the reason he nearly drowned.
Uh, no, no.
You allowing yourself to become distracted is the reason he nearly drowned.
You see, a proper dad knows where his kid is at all times, no matter how many beers he's had.
Isn't there some other relationship you could be destroying? You're right.
See, I've been trying to expand my reach, when really I should have been concentrating on dissolving you and Angela.
I'll get back to that now.
Good talk, Daddy.
[DOOR OPENS.]
Through there.
Here we go.
[LAUGHS WITH RELIEF.]
- Daddy.
- Hey, mate.
Oh! Go and get your stuff, alright? He's my boy.
Haven't seen him for a few weeks.
Right.
[SIGHS.]
[CHUCKLES.]
'Cause, you know, Greta told me that Yeah, Angela filled me in.
I mean, we can go and get a DNA test if you like, but Greta and I got together about a month after you guys had your fling.
Oh, well, I mean, it wasn't really a fling, it was more of a Fingering followed by a quickie.
Yeah, mate, I heard.
And unlike you, they didn't use condoms.
Oh.
Look, we've been together for six years, and about two months ago, I lost my job at Wok and Roll, uh, a few weeks after that [WHISTLES.]
she just ups and goes.
Oh, jeez.
Sounds like you really hit 'wok' bottom.
Sorry.
I work in advertising.
- There you go.
- What are you doing here? I miss my wife and son.
Well, you should have tried harder to keep your job or at least made an attempt to get another one.
I'm trying to get another one.
And I'm trying to give our son the best life possible.
What? By tricking this sweet, gullible fool into thinking that the kid was his? Ooh, sorry.
Um, just so everyone knows, I would have got around to getting a DNA test and suggesting a name change.
Look, I've got an interview with Wok This Way next week.
If I get this gig, will you come home? Please? So, we can be a family? I've got a really good feeling about this one.
That's what you said about Wok The Boat.
Yeah, babe, the Wok The Boat guys weren't that serious.
Wok This Way seems serious.
OK, if you get the job, I'll come home.
[SIGHS.]
Greta! Oh, sorry to just barge in, but Evian is so excited to see Bacardi.
- Hi, Gavin.
- Simone? Everyone, this is my friend Simone.
- Fin.
- Simone.
Hey.
My gosh.
I haven't seen you since - The Underground.
Right? - Yeah.
Or was it Peppers? I think it was a bit of both, according to memory.
[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY.]
- You look good.
- Oh, thank you.
So do you.
Sorry.
This is my girlfriend, Angela.
- Hello.
- Hi.
Ooh, and this is my son, Evian.
Well, this isn't awkward.
Who's for some champagne? Oh, so, it wasn't a DNA match? Oh, I'm sorry, babe.
In the last 24 hours, you've gone from having two different kids to none.
The good news is I've got a little crystal man that you can take care of.
Yeah, he's very quiet and you're welcome to name him whatever you like.
I'm not grumpy, I'm just a little agitated by the injustice of it all.
You know? I know I shouldn't care, but my Uber rating's dropped by .
02.
Ooh, .
02? I'm so sorry for your loss.
Is there anything I can do? Not anymore, no.
I deleted the app.
Don't you think you might be overreacting? No, Angela, I'm the perfect passenger.
I always wait out the front.
I've got great personal hygiene.
I never slam the door, and, you know, I ask them about themselves in that authentically curious, non-cliched, Andrew Denton sort of way.
Oh, you sound awesome.
Also, I always look genuinely interested when they give me their headshots and tell me that they should be in one of my ads.
No, I now have, like, 70 photos of people that would be perfect to play Uber drivers.
MR BLACK: "Hey, Fin, I won a giant teddy bear at the golf club.
" "It's in the sunroom.
" "Thought it might be nice to give to Angela.
" So, what's your rating now? - 4.
86, dropping from 4.
88.
- Oof.
You know, for a while there, I was actually five, until the time the driver farted and then looked in the mirror - just as I was making a face.
- Aww! So, I read an article that if your rating's over 4.
8, you're a suck.
- [CHUCKLES.]
Yeah, well, that - [SCREAMS.]
- Jesus Chr - What happened? The teddy bear! [WHIMPERS.]
What? The teddy bear! T-t-teddy bear! - [HUFFS.]
- [SIGHS.]
Snowflake.
Look at that.
See? Lead doesn't get stuck, 'cause it's Someone's put some thought into that.
Boss, we we noticed you don't have a crime investigation unit.
All the papers have got them.
Like, The Washington Post has Woodward and Bernstein.
The Age has Rule and Silvester.
The Telegraph has All the papers have them.
And we think The Post should have one, and we want to start off by doing a series on advanced surveillance and interrogation techniques used by the police.
Yeah, that's a rabbit hole you don't wanna go down.
You do a story on interrogation and surveillance.
Then you think it's a good idea to put your partner under surveillance, then you you find out he's cheating on you with a Vodafone rep.
It it's a slippery slope.
That's would never happen to me.
My boyfriend would never cheat.
And I'm with Telstra.
Look, this investigation unit, it's not gonna get in the way of your African gang stories, is it? - Absolutely not.
- Mm, good.
'Cause Thomas has come up with a good headline.
"Behave or We're Ghana Send You Home.
" "It's Our Way or Zimbabwe.
" "Kenya Go Back to Where You Came From?" You see? This shit writes itself.
Now we just gotta find some misbehaving Africans.
Thanks for this.
God, it's surprisingly difficult to find decent subjects.
Of course.
Fin! - FIN: Yes? - Stop writing your twaddle.
Come in here.
There's someone I want you to meet.
This is Julia.
Julia, this is Fin.
- Hello.
- Hi.
Julia was a cartoonist at the paper before becoming one of Australia's best up-and-coming portrait artists.
Oh, hmm! She's looking for someone to paint, and against my better judgement, I, uh, thought of you.
Ah, cool! Cool, I love portraiture.
I go and see the Archibald every year.
Oh, which artist do you like the best? Ah, oh, yeah.
Oh, um er, well, I I don't think you can go past Anh Do, you know? I mean, should we sneer at him just because he's popular? Absolutely not.
I love Anh as well.
Yeah, Fin.
No-one's sneering at Anh.
So, before I decide to paint someone, Fin, I like to get to know a little bit about them.
- Ah, sure thing.
- Yeah.
Uh, Peter tells me that you're an advertising copywriter.
Yeah, that's right.
So, what do you like best about copywriting? - Ah, oh, the hours.
- [GIGGLES.]
Well, what do you think you'd be if you weren't a copywriter? Oh, I I literally have no other skills.
It's actually quite concerning, and so, yeah, I might turn to a life of crime or stand-up comedy.
[CHUCKLES.]
Well, is there anything exciting on your bucket list? Uh, no, no.
Sorry, I I don't really like experiencing new things, so Well, um, what do you least like about yourself? Oh, uh oh! My Uber rating.
It just dropped below 4.
9.
I cannot raise it, no matter how pleasant I am.
Australian Uber drivers are the worst.
My rating always goes down when I come back to Australia.
- Really? - Yeah.
Maybe that's it! Thank you.
Um, okay, how would you describe your sense of style? Uh, oh, well yeah, it's it's a homeopathic approach to fashion.
Uh, I don't want to draw attention to myself, but you've gotta be careful in trying not to draw attention to yourself.
You don't want to inadvertently draw attention to yourself.
Hmm I'm sorry, Jules.
I've sold you a dud here.
Oh, on the contrary, I I find him quite interesting.
Fin, would you do me the honour of letting me paint your portrait? It'll take three days, a thousand bucks, cash in hand.
Yeah, of course! That'd be fantastic.
- Great! Um, I'll go get my paint.
- Yeah, sure.
And then get set up while you get your gear off.
What's that? Oh, I paint nude portraits.
So, clothes off.
Is that cool? Yeah, that that's cool, I guess.
Great.
I'll be back soon.
- [DOOR CLOSES.]
- Did you know about this? Maybe.
MALCOLM: So, how's the whole marriage thing going? Oh, it's all on hold.
Ange wants her dad's blessing.
Oh, God.
Who does he think he is, the bloody Pope? Yeah, a badly-dressed, racist, grumpy, anti-herpes Pope.
Fin, if you put a ring in front of her, she won't give a damn about Pete's blessing, I promise.
What are you boys talking about? Uh, just giving Fin the lowdown on posing nude, since it's something I've done many times myself.
Ah, well, make sure you spray his doodle.
- I don't want him blinding Julia.
- That's what we started with.
Why do you think it's taken so long? [SCOFFS.]
That's just disgusting.
Have you ever done anything like this before? I wore a body stocking when I played Flower B in the David Jones Christmas pantomime last year.
I'm joking.
It was when I was a kid.
I had a pretty weird childhood.
That is still pretty adorable.
What was weird about it? Oh, my brother Eric used to tell me that if I was annoying, uh, my parents would send me away just like they did with my older sister.
- But there was no older sister? - No, there was no older sister.
It was pretty full-on.
Yeah, he used to, um, cheat at Uno and open beers with his eye socket.
He could make a bong out of just about anything.
Well, Eric sounds great.
What's he up to now? He's a CEO of an investment bank and owns three boats.
See that freckle, above my left eye, there? That one there.
Do you think I should get that looked at? It's just, uh, I don't want to wait too long.
I might end up losing an eye.
Bob Marshall from The Finn Review, uh, ended up losing half his nose, and now he keeps his glasses up with surgical tape and Blu Tack.
Dad, I'm sure you're not gonna lose an eye between now and when I get home.
Hang on.
Who's that woman Fin's with? And why is he naked? So, after I left the paper, I studied fine art at Florence University for two years.
- Oh, that sounds incredible.
- Yeah, it was.
It was tough.
She just Julia was just telling Fin about Florence.
Okay.
Can you hear me? I can hear you.
[JULIA GIGGLES.]
Sorry, there's a lot of laughter going on there.
They remind me of, uh, you and Fin in the early days.
You weren't even around in our early days.
Well, well, how I imagine it would have been, uh, before you got sick of each other.
Is there a point to this call? Oh, no, no, no, no.
It's just nice to see a young couple, uh, enjoying themselves.
Not that they're the couple, of course.
You're the couple, but, uh, they are enjoying themselves, and one of them is very naked.
Uh, and, uh, did I mention Julia's single? Don't don't worry.
Don't worry.
I'll keep an eye on them.
I'll keep an eye on them, and, uh, make sure they don't both end up naked.
[CHUCKLES.]
Alright, bye-bye.
[CALL ENDS.]
So, what's Fin short for? Uh, Findley.
Yeah, that means "fair-haired Viking warrior.
" Oh, that's cool.
Yeah, but, uh, people call me, uh, Finster, Finstagram, and Dorsalfin, uh, Findaloo.
Justin Finberlake.
Fin Lizzy.
MR BLACK: Oi, Fin Lizzy? Grab a towel, please.
I don't want your balls touching that chair.
Hey, if you don't think it's fair that you're naked and I'm not, just tell me and I'll disrobe as well.
I've only got 20% body fat, which is average for an athlete, but for a cartoonist, it's unheard of.
Wow, that's, um, really impressive.
Uh, but, I I think I'm good.
Thank you.
Okay, I just want you to feel as comfortable as possible.
So, that interview with Dr Mike Edwards has been confirmed for tomorrow.
Ah, nailed it.
And Thomas wants to join our crime investigation unit.
He's sick of just being known as the pun guy.
Tell Thomas he can F off and form his own unit.
He's given us some cash to sweeten the deal.
- A hundred bucks?! - Actually, 90.
He wants 10 bucks back for lunch.
Of course he does.
No, I just think it's cool that we've got two young people in this house openly expressing themselves, and one of them is free of the shackles of clothes.
Why are you being weird? What's even cooler is you're allowing it to happen.
Well, I didn't really have a say in it, but people have been painting nude portraits of each other for hundreds of years without incident.
Without much incident.
Rembrandt, Rubens and Raphael all enjoyed a few incidents.
In fact, it's rumoured that Raphael died during an incident.
I'm sure they were the exception.
I don't think I've got anything to worry about.
You know, Julia is not more beautiful than you.
Now, you know I think you're a princess, but Julia's just got a certain worldliness and a va-va-voom factor.
Yeah, I get it, Dad.
You want to va-va-voom Julia.
No, I just hope that Fin doesn't va-va-voom Julia and ruin everything that we have.
If you cared about everything we have, you would have given us your blessing to get married and not suggested some vamp from work paint Fin in the nude.
You've set this whole thing up to drive a wedge between us.
Don't you worry about what I'm doing.
You worry about what lover boy's up to.
- Good morning.
- Hmm.
Morning.
[HUMS.]
What's everyone up to today? Interviewing a body language expert for a series on police interrogation.
He teaches police how to tell if the person they're interviewing is lying.
You don't need a body language expert for that.
If a crook has a tattoo on his neck, he did it.
Mm [HUMS.]
You all ready to nude up? I know you're just making a joke, but this whole experience has actually been a bit of an awakening.
Sounds sexual.
Is shaving your chest part of that awakening? Oh, Julia says that chest hair obscures the body's natural contours.
- Okay - And Julia says that I have really feline contours that she wants to accentuate.
Feline contours.
Like a pussy.
What else does Julia say? [CHUCKLES.]
Yeah, humans are essentially idiots.
Yeah, we have similar behaviour patterns when we're in a high-stress situation such as lying.
So, if I was to ask you a question and and you were lying or hiding something from me, you'd move your head quite quickly.
You might jerk it back or bow it down, tilt it to one side.
What about avoiding eye contact? [CHUCKLES.]
Oh, that's been debunked.
- I told you.
- Yeah.
People are happy to look you in the eye these days and tell you an untruth.
It's a technique they've learned from politicians and motor mechanics.
What are the other signs? Touching your mouth.
Uh, covering parts of your body that are vulnerable.
Phrase repetition.
Just out of interest, Doctor, how do you know when two people are attracted to each other? Interestingly, lying and attraction have similar patterns.
You know, rush of blood to the face, an increased heart rate.
Basically the same sort of stuff.
- Interesting.
- Mm.
Wish me luck, Grandma.
ANGELA: How's it all going with the portrait? Uh, yeah, good.
Really good.
Um, oh, Julia's lived in so many amazing places.
Apparently, she used to live in Florence.
How'd you know that? I think Dad might have said something.
Ah, right.
Well, yeah, she talks about walking the same streets that Michelangelo and Dante walked.
We have gotta go there one day, babe.
Maybe we can rollerblade those streets.
[CHUCKLES.]
Um, hey, listen So, you're gonna go with me and not Julia? What? Of course.
Why would I go with Julia? Ange, um, look, there's something I just had this weird dream last night that you two got together.
I think Dad's putting ideas in my head.
Unless, of course, you are gonna get together.
No way.
I mean, as if we'd get together.
There's no way we'd get together.
I mean, she's not even my type.
Why why would you think that? No reason.
I think I'm just tired.
Yeah, me too.
I've got a massive day tomorrow.
- Posing? - Yeah.
Right.
Goodnight.
Goodnight.
I owe you an apology.
- Really? - Yep.
I should never have invited Julia to paint Fin.
Now, last night, I was reading an interview with Victor Newsome, one of Britain's most famous artists, and he cast a dire warning on nude portraiture.
Said Newsome, "For me, the interest is entirely sexual.
" Uh, "How can it be otherwise? "That's the buzz.
" Look, again, I am sorry for putting your relationship in jeopardy and for inadvertently exposing Fin's apparent weakness for other women and his fetish for being nude around strangers.
Dad, our generation doesn't panic when our partners decide to live their life.
We trust each other.
And, besides, Julia's a friend of yours.
She's not gonna cross me.
Mm, well, Malcolm's a friend of mine too, isn't he? And look how he turned out.
A Fin sympathiser.
- And look at me.
- What about you? Well, you would have never thought that I could cheat on your mother, but I did.
Dad, I love you, but you're an arsehole.
- Of course you cheated on Mum.
- That's a good point.
Listen, Angie, I'm just saying, you never really know people, - not like you think you do.
- Well, I know Fin.
Tell me, why do you have a security camera in your bag? How do you know I have a security camera in my bag? I saw it on my security camera.
The one I keep to find dirt on Fin.
Same reason you keep yours, isn't it? It's just for a story I'm working on at the moment.
It's not for personal use.
Of course not.
In my opinion, the best place for it would be between the peacocks and the books, but that's just my opinion.
ANGELA: [ON RECORDING.]
How do you know when two people are attracted to each other? DR EDWARDS: Interestingly, lying and attraction have similar patterns.
A rush of blood to the face, an increased heart rate.
There might be a subtle touch of the forearm.
- Interesting.
- Mm.
Obviously, there's a bit of mirroring happening.
When two people are attracted to each other, there's a bit of licking of the lips going on.
Touching your mouth.
Uh, covering parts of your body that are vulnerable.
But as I said, my expertise is catching criminals.
Actual criminals, not love criminals.
Sorry, I just RACE CALLER: Laughing Air back a length.
Our Potato and Floral Fever began well - Julia gone? - [TURNS OFF RADIO.]
Uh, I don't think so.
Her car's still in the driveway.
Right.
Do you know where they are? Sorry, love, no.
Maybe check the bedroom.
What are you looking at? [MOBILE DIALS.]
Fin, where are you? Call me back straight away.
Look, I wasn't going to say this, but at one stage in the game, Julia even offered to get naked with him.
Yeah, you did tell me that, and then you texted me, and then you sent an email.
- Do you have Julia's number? - 0491 470 159.
[MOBILE DIALS.]
Julia, it's Angela Black.
I'm just looking for you and Fin.
It'd be great if you could call me back when you're free, thanks.
Look, I was holding off on telling you this, but, uh, he wasn't right for you.
Dad, you told me that every day of our relationship.
Really? Well, I guess the important thing is to not get down about it.
You know, remain upbeat.
You don't want to be a drag to be around.
I just didn't think he was the kind of guy to do this sort of thing.
Chest hair, dead giveaway.
No man with only one woman on his mind has ever shaved his chest.
- Fact.
- Well, congrats on contriving a situation where it was almost impossible for him not to cheat.
My pleasure.
Actually, kudos to him because he survived all the tests that tripped up your previous boyfriends and some tests that I devised specifically for him that I thought were un-survivable.
He did so well.
And to think I was this close to giving the marriage my blessing.
[SCOFFS.]
Come off it, Dad.
You were never gonna give this marriage your blessing.
I had decided not to get in the way if you went and got married anyway.
Dad, if I'm ever fortunate enough to find love again, will you do me a massive favour and back the F off? Absolutely not.
Not if he's not up to scratch.
Well, good luck getting grandchildren.
We can always adopt.
We? [FOOTSTEPS APPROACH.]
Alright, now, go easy on him, love, alright? At least he cheated on you at home.
Didn't go to some sleazy motel.
Rooms by the hour.
Yuck.
[GUITAR PLAYS.]
I think you might have left something at home.
How did you know it was mine and not Dad's? Because I found your Dad's yesterday, in the same spot.
Ange, I can't believe you didn't trust me.
You displayed the body language traits of a liar when I asked if you were attracted to Julia, and you displayed the body language traits of a flirt when I was spying on you via the hidden camera.
Yeah, well, you shouldn't have been spying on me with the hidden camera in the first place.
And body language experts are about as reliable as astrologists.
I thought you believed in astrology.
Oh, right, yeah, turn it back on me.
- Classic Sagittarian.
- Well, you do, don't you? Well, I actually don't know what to believe anymore.
What I can't believe is that you would think I would cheat on you.
Ange, I want to marry you.
We'd be engaged by now if you didn't care so much about your dad's blessing.
Why don't you forget about my dad? I can't forget about your dad because he's watching me every minute of every day, trying to trip me up with one of his stupid tests.
I think we're strong enough to survive without his blessing.
Did you see the portrait? Yeah.
Thoughts? It's lovely.
Who is it supposed to be? Yeah, I think Malcolm might have gone a bit hard with the tan.
Actually, Julia did another one.
It's, um more of a a proposal of something bigger than a finished work.
Angela Black will you marry me? Ah, ah, don't do it.
Don't do it.
Let's talk about this.
Please? - Yes.
- [GROANS.]
[SIGHS.]
Well, don't expect me to reach for the pocket.
[GIGGLES.]
You couldn't put your clothes back on for this one? We were on a really tight deadline.
So, with the one large, will it be cash or will you transfer it directly into my account? Well, how would you like it? Ah, either way is fine, as long as I get it.
Apparently, I've got a wedding to pay for.
Or not.