Mr. Iglesias (2019) s01e08 Episode Script
Teachers' Strike
1 All right, you guys, ten more days until the academic decathlon.
Two things I'm not cut out for: academics and decathlons.
Ah, come on, Walt.
That's what you guys said about the talent show, and look how great that turned out.
We lost to the janitor.
Yeah, but he was really good.
He plunged his way right into our hearts.
[CHUCKLES.]
A-And he flushed our chances down the toilet.
[STUDENTS LAUGH.]
But don't worry, no way we'll lose to the custodial staff in the decathlon.
Grace is right.
No, we're gonna lose to the honor students.
Come on, Mikey, be a little more optimistic.
This is you as a cheerleader: [IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE.]
"Who're we gonna beat? Nobody! What're we gonna do? Lose!" The honor students have all the advantages.
- [IN NORMAL VOICE.]
Come on, like what? - All the honor students.
Well, not all of them.
Stop it.
But, they do get all the school-issued iPads.
That is true.
When we learn about the American Revolution, we will learn about it the same way they did in 1776: - from books! - [DESK RATTLES.]
Mr.
I, look, they also get extra help from expensive tutors.
That is true.
Hey, but do they have these awesome, minty green note cards purchased with a teacher's salary from Costco? Along with a couple of Chicken Bakes? See? We're analog, they're digital.
They get Intel chips implanted in their brain.
Not true, Lorenzo, but even if it was, you have plenty of intel already implanted in your brains, too.
Huh? What? When? No, I knew it! Dude, calm down.
We talked about this.
- Hey, bring it in.
- Okay.
[BOTH SPEAKING SOFTLY.]
Lorenzo, Mr.
Iglesias is just saying he's taught us a lot this semester.
Exactly.
Watch.
Mikey, what building was under attack during "The Star-Spangled Banner"? Uh Okay, okay.
Uh, Fortnite, midnight, snacked on McRib Fort McHenry! What just happened? Mikey used a mnemonic device Mr.
Iglesias gave him to remember an answer.
Uh-huh, uh-huh! So he is using devices! - [PANTING.]
- [BREATHING STEADILY.]
Lorenzo, uh, are you allowed to take your emotional support Walt on airplanes? Okay, here's another one.
Um Mikey, finish this Ronald Reagan quote: [IMITATING REAGAN.]
"Mr.
Gorbachev " [SHOUTS.]
"Tear down this wall!" Man, it feels good to say that.
[CHUCKLES.]
Imagine that, a Republican president who thought walls were a bad idea.
Not just history, ancient history.
[IN NORMAL VOICE.]
See? You guys don't need iPads.
How many times do I have to tell you? You guys are smart.
If you keep having to tell us, it's probably not true.
Really? Okay, what about this? Uh - What president defeated the Nazis? - [GRACE.]
Oh! I love how you taught us to remember this one.
F-dem-racists.
F.
D.
R.
Franklin Delano Roosevelt! [RAKEEM GRUNTS.]
That's right! And the best part about history is it repeats itself.
Kinda like me with fourth grade.
Lot easier the second time, huh? Listen, with or without iPads, those honor students are gonna be in big trouble, okay? I've been working to close the gap between the haves and the have-nots.
Have you had any luck? I have not.
[THEME SONG PLAYING.]
Mr.
Iglesias Mr.
Iglesias I'm serious, dude.
That's why they call him Baby Leg.
Good morning, Mr.
Hayward.
Doubt it.
Ah, I should've known better than to open up with something as controversial as "good morning.
" [RAY.]
As you know, our contract is up.
And as your union rep, I regret to inform you that the district is pushing for rollbacks across the board.
- Hey, where's the coffee maker? - Across the board.
Come on, what gives? I I I need coffee to teach.
I mean, me without coffee, that's like Uh See? I need coffee.
So, can I count on both of your votes to authorize a teachers' strike? Not without my coffee.
I wouldn't mind a little paid vacation.
Count me in as pro-strike.
You know you don't get paid when on strike, right? Oh, I'm pro-pay raise, but anti-strike.
Hey, can't we just get a pay raise without a strike? Maybe we should just ask nicely, huh? Why didn't I think of that? Jackass.
Good morning, everyone! Oh, hey, Abby.
Be careful, you can't just barge in here with a "good morning.
" Ms.
Spencer, will you be voting yes for a strike authorization? Oh, I don't know, Mr.
Hayward.
I believe in our union's cause, I do, but we have the best job in the world.
Abby, we're high school teachers, not Rihanna's weed dealer.
Well, if it means I have to sell some plasma every month to make sure my kids have pencils, that's a sacrifice I'm willing to make.
What's your blood type, O-super-duper-positive? Mine's Cholula.
Aren't you tired of part of your measly paycheck going to buy supplies? I just get it from the supply room, room 308.
That's, uh That's Mr.
Hayward's room.
Is it? That explains why the first-aid kit had cocoa butter.
Cocoa butter.
Oh, is that why black don't crack? Offensive, but yes.
I knew it! [CHUCKLES.]
Abby, Mr.
Hayward's actually 35.
That's That's how hard teaching is.
Which is why I need you guys to vote yes on the authorization.
But my kids are so close to the decathlon.
If we strike now, I won't be there when they need me the most.
I'm just asking for everyone to authorize a strike.
If you raise a cudgel, you don't have to swing it.
Oh, you just need the leverage.
Raise that thing up high enough, whip it around, they'll pee their pants.
[CHUCKLES.]
Ah, I'm glad she's on our side.
[SILENTLY MOUTHING.]
Hey, Mr.
Hayward, on behalf of all the teachers, I vote yes, but on behalf of my students, I have to say no.
Quiet, management approaches.
What's this, Ray? Do I smell a hollow strike threat? With subtle notes of "not getting a raise"? Has anyone ever told you you're the orange Starburst of people? I don't like strikes, they're messy.
Like a threesome after a crawfish boil.
And you know who gets stuck cleaning up the mess? Me.
At the school or at the crawfish boil? Both.
Don't worry, Paula, they're not striking.
They're wusses.
Wusses? You have two different tuxedos for your dog.
Yeah.
And guess who never gets caught off-guard when one of them is at the dry cleaners? All I know is when I say I'm going to walk, I do it.
Ask my three ex-husbands.
I would, but no one's seen Bone, Thugs, or Harmony for years.
Paula, look, no one wants a strike.
No one wants to hurt the kids either.
Gabe, I hope you get everything you're asking for, but if you don't wanna hurt the kids, then don't strike.
[GASPS.]
Great! No strike.
Close call! That was exciting.
Hey, you want exciting? You should've been here the day the vending machine broke.
Free Flamin' Hot Cheetos for everyone.
Bro, you charged me a quarter a bag.
Paula, teachers are hurting.
Oh, cry me a river.
Look, I remember when I was a teacher.
It was easy.
Summers off, good healthcare, and an apple a day, so we didn't even need healthcare.
Gabe, you guys work less than any other profession, but somehow complain twice as much.
Carlos, you know what would happen if teachers didn't do their jobs? What? We'd end up with adults so dumb they think teachers are lazy.
Precisely.
Uh Wait, what? Mr.
Hayward, you promise this strike authorization is just a negotiation tool? - I promise.
- Then count me in.
If it's the best way to avoid a strike, I'm in.
Yeah, if it's the best way to get on Abby's team, I'm in.
Yes, that's it.
We're over the top.
Raising the cudgel of a unified front.
Yeah, without swinging it.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I gotta go hit Starbucks before I flip over a school bus.
[GRUNTS.]
Wait, where the hell is the coffee maker? Oh.
I might have hidden it to make a point.
And I'm really impressed at how many of you are showing up for these after-school jam sessions for the academic decathlon.
It was this or violin.
[CHUCKLES.]
It wasn't close.
[SIGHS, CHUCKLES.]
Yeah, now that football's over, I need something to scratch that competitive itch.
You know they sell stuff for that, right? Mr.
Iglesias, we heard you were going on strike.
Ah, no, no, no.
You also heard that, uh, Principal Madison was on American Idol, but in reality, she just waited in line and got sent home.
Nobody is going on strike.
Yeah, because you wouldn't walk out on us right before the academic decathlon.
Look, the only reason I would go on strike is if In-N-Out stopped selling Animal Fries.
So you voted no? Uh, oh, no, I voted yes.
What? Look, Mr.
Hayward promised it's the best way - to avoid going on strike.
- And you bought it? This is like when we let Facebook collect our personal data and trusted they wouldn't sell it to the highest bidder.
[COUGHS.]
Russia! Relax, you guys.
No one is going on strike.
Just got off the phone with the union.
We're on strike.
Pack your things, Gabriel.
Sounds like the opposite of what he just promised.
Look, don't pay attention to Mr.
Hayward.
He's one clipped mailbox away from being on the DMV's "too old to drive" list.
Huh.
Turns out he would abandon us right before the academic decathlon.
Now would be a good time to say something inspiring, Mr.
Iglesias.
At least, funny.
[SIGHS.]
I'm really sorry, guys.
Not funny or inspiring.
Damn, since you went on strike, you totally lost it.
Thank you, Ruthie.
You'll be a great sub for Mrs.
Lopez's Spanish class.
I'm sure it'll come back to you.
And if all else fails, play them an episode of Narcos.
I'm sure those gentleman speak proper Spanish.
Arrivederci.
Yeah, close enough.
Okay, adiós.
Okay, Carlos, this administration has to cover these classrooms.
What can you teach? Oh, I can teach theater.
[CHUCKLES.]
I'm quite the dramaturge.
Theater was cut four years ago.
[GROANS.]
"The unkindest cut.
" Fine, give me Mr.
Iglesias' class.
They can use a little discipline.
Okay, it'll be good for them to experience a different teaching style, someone who's not trying to be their friend.
Exactly, [SOFTLY.]
I don't need friends.
Good thing.
What about you, Paula? Which classes will you be taking over? Oh, I'll be teaching a little class called "Mama don't do demotions.
" Paula, before I hit the picket line, I gotta talk to you about my students.
God! When is it not about your students? This is exhausting.
"Wah! My students are getting counseled out.
Ooh, I got them into the talent show.
" Yay, my students are competing in the decathlon!" That pretty much sums up my semester.
[SIGHS.]
Well, if you look at it that way, your kids have had a remarkable journey.
Too bad you blew it by going on strike.
Come on, Paula, my kids are so close.
You were an excellent teacher.
You could take over my class and pull them across the finish line.
I probably could, but Carlos will be teaching your class.
Carlos? Seriously, Carlos? Carlos has two limitations as a teacher: one, he doesn't know anything, and two, he can't teach.
Strikes have consequences, Gabe, and your consequence is your kids are being babysat by Mr.
Doubtfire.
Come on.
Take over my class.
I heard you saved so many at-risk kids, they almost made a movie about you.
My answer is no.
- [SIGHS.]
- Michelle Pfeiffer, my black ass.
How long do these strikes usually last? I got money on it lasting under a month.
You bet on the strike? No, I mean, I don't have enough money for it to last more than a month.
That's what strike funds are for, Tony.
Great, fork it over.
Okay.
How many children do you have? - None.
- Wifey? Single.
Ailing parents you're taking care of? No, my sister does that.
[CHUCKLES.]
Then start bagging groceries, Tony, because the strike fund isn't for people like you.
Katie, thank you so much for letting us use this place as strike headquarters.
I wish I was in a union.
My dad makes us punch out before we do our side work.
Sounds like somebody ought to punch him out.
Well, Ray has a bat if you need to negotiate with your father.
- Oh.
- Mm-hmm.
Aluminum or wood? Well, I'm old-school, but I went aluminum in the '80s.
See, more bat speed sends a clearer message to the scabs.
[GABE.]
Whoo! - What's up, fellow strikers? - [ABBY.]
Oh, hey, Gabe.
Were you able to convince Paula to teach your kids? Nope, she went with the guy who killed our two-ply toilet paper idea.
[SIGHS.]
Carlos, huh? Every day we're on strike, your kids will be getting dumber.
Yeah, I know.
It'll be like those Thai soccer players stuck in that cave.
Only instead of the water, it'll be the ignorance level rising hour by hour.
Well, it shouldn't take more than a month.
A month? This wasn't even supposed to happen.
This is gonna undo everything I've worked for all semester.
Well, my honors kids should be fine.
They pretty much teach themselves anyway.
You know, when you think about it, you've been on strike for years.
Okay, I'm going to read you something I think you'll find very useful: your rights.
A-boom! You know what they found with stop-and-frisk in New York? Marijuana cigarettes? No, they found that if you treat people like criminals, they become criminals.
I'm sure those people were already Already what? Black? [SIGHS.]
No.
That's not what I meant, Rakeem.
He's Lorenzo, I'm Rakeem.
- Yes, okay, my bad.
That's on me.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
Innocent mistake.
All I'm saying, in a civilized society "Civilized" society? We're criminals, remember? Attica! [ALL CHANTING.]
Attica! Attica! Attica! [SHOUTS.]
Don't make me take off my shoes! I swear to gosh [SIGHS.]
Carlos, get it together.
I heard them chanting all the way down the hall.
They're animals.
Is the nurse on strike? I need to lie down.
- I think that's a good idea.
- [WEAKLY.]
Okay.
- I miss Mr.
Iglesias.
- I'm on it.
Okay.
Students, your sub has a sub.
You can call me Ms.
Madison.
Or Miss Mads, if you're nasty.
It's from a little album in '86 called Control, if you feel like learning some real history.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Uh, Ms.
'Net Um, uh Ms.
Madison, um Have you ever taught a class before? Of course.
How do you think someone becomes a principal? By taking an online course at Kaplan University? Or by giving up on your real dreams? I think I liked you more when you didn't talk, Grace.
I use my teaching wand to transform students.
[SCOFFING, LAUGHING.]
Shut up! This is real.
Teaching gave me a sense of purpose.
Why'd you stop? Being a teacher gave me a sense of purpose.
Being a principal gave me a sense of home-ownership.
Okay, but, look, while I'm here, I can teach you a little something.
I don't know.
You got some pretty big calves to fill.
Okay.
Guys, I got this.
What? Mr.
Iglesias does voices, right? I do voices.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
[IN EXAGGERATED COLONIAL ACCENT.]
"Look at me! I am the first president of the United States.
I also own slaves, but they didn't tell you that.
" [CHUCKLES.]
[CHUCKLING, IN NORMAL VOICE.]
Okay, okay.
So what'd you think? - Whoo! - I don't think I'm ever gonna forget what I just saw.
[IN EXAGGERATED COCKNEY ACCENT.]
What? That Washington owned slaves? You won't.
Abracadabra.
[IN NORMAL VOICE.]
I'm back.
Yeah, you are.
Dude, I forgot how much I miss performing I mean, teaching Um in front of a classroom.
Um Miss Mads, um a student just texted me.
There's a riot in Ms.
Lopez's Spanish class.
Oh, dammit, Ruthie.
Just when I was getting my teach on, now I gotta go back to being a principal again.
I sent up the Bat-Signal, and here's Batman.
[PANTING.]
Hey.
I got your text.
Let's make this quick.
I'm not supposed to be here.
This reminds me of when I see you at the drive-through.
Yeah, I'm not supposed to be there either.
Stupid keto diet.
Okay, quick.
You hit me with the mnemonic devices - and I'll pass them on to the class.
- Okay.
The main reason for the Spanish-American War was the sinking of the USS Maine.
- Main reason, Maine, got it.
- [GABE.]
Yeah.
Didn't have you pegged for a scab, Gabe.
- Mr.
Hayward? - [RAY.]
Yeah.
Whoo, I thought it was Baby Leg.
Just want you to know, I support the union, Mr.
Hayward.
Then you understand I have to break his arm.
- What? - Got your attention, huh? [GABE.]
Mm-hmm.
Since you didn't go into the school and I know how much you care about young people, I'mma give you a pass.
- And just so you know - Mmm? your bat would break on these guns.
Yeah, yeah.
Impressive.
Want me to put this chicken wing down and test it? - Oh, hey.
- [BOTH CHUCKLE.]
Mr.
Hayward, my students have come so far.
You know, when the semester first started, Mikey thought Mussolini was a pasta.
- Mussolini Alfredo.
- [BOTH CHUCKLE.]
Yeah, put a little cream sauce on it, and anything tastes better, including fascism.
The point is, I know my kids could beat the honors students, and I feel like I'm letting them down.
See, that's where the game is rigged.
No one chooses to be a teacher without caring about young people.
What about Tony? Okay, almost nobody.
[SIGHS.]
But I really need to be there for my kids.
Well, there is a way.
How? I can't go back to the school, you still have a bat.
You don't need a school to teach kids, you just need kids.
Okay, so, I'll take care of my students, - and you take care of the teachers.
- Yeah.
[SMACKS LIPS.]
- Eh - [RAY.]
Hmm.
[CHUCKLES.]
[GABE SIGHS.]
All right, Lucille.
Time to get freaky.
[CHUCKLES.]
- [MARISOL.]
Hey.
- Hey.
Um, are you sure this is okay? Between us, no, but if anyone asks, yes.
This is like The Magic School Bus.
Ha! Where to next, Ms.
Frizzle? [ALL LAUGH.]
- Road trip.
- Yeah.
Where are we heading? Tijuana? Vegas? Amsterdam? Well, we're taking a field trip to our new classroom.
Aw, man.
Can you drop me off in Vegas? - Dude, I'm sitting here.
- It's the same seat, I called it! Same seat? You've never been in my car before.
[CLICKS TONGUE.]
[SIGHS.]
Where are we going, Mr.
Iglesias? Knowledge Avenue.
That street blows.
[PANTING.]
Take the surface streets.
Serpentine, okay? If you're driving to the airport, helicopters can't follow you into that airspace.
Good to know.
Hey, you might wanna grab your emotional support Walt.
[BOTH BREATHING DEEPLY.]
Okay, Gabriel, make sure you teach 'em how unions built this country.
Teddy Roosevelt.
Rough Rider, trust buster, and our greatest bespectacled president.
Okay.
I'm off to bust some anti-union heads, huh? All right.
He's kidding, you guys.
He's not really gonna bust any heads.
He mostly works on limbs.
I'll have a 7 and 7.
Is that how old you are? Seven and seven? [CHUCKLES.]
Math humor, I dig it.
Well, speaking of numbers, maybe you give me yours? [LAUGHS.]
Oh, step away from the bar, buddy.
[CHUCKLES.]
One more question or you're gonna get hosed down with the club-soda gun.
All right - The War of 1812.
- Ooh! Ooh! 1812.
Not what I was gonna ask, but you nailed it.
Paula.
I told you we were being followed! - Serpentine, man.
Serpentine.
- It's okay.
There you guys are.
I've been looking for you dangerous minds.
Uh, why would you be looking for them? They haven't done anything wrong.
Though, Walt has tried.
I just want to help them get ready for the decathlon.
After all, I am their teacher until the strike is over.
Let me guess, after a few minutes, Carlos needed to lie down? Mm-hmm.
Truth be told, I almost did too.
Mm.
I forgot how hard this was.
I'm a little rusty, I could use some tips.
Well, the key is to coat their medicine in delicious peanut butter.
- That makes us sound like dogs.
- Shh! We're about to get delicious peanut butter.
What are you talking about? Watch.
Walt, you ready? Who did Richard Nixon defeat in 1968 to win the election? Oh, I got this.
You taught me that the election in '68 was like WrestleMania 28.
- Of course he did.
Big deal.
- Walt? And the Undertaker defeated Triple H.
The Undertaker was Nixon Obviously.
And Triple H, Hubert H.
Humphrey.
Boom! Ha! Time to play the game.
Walt for the win.
- Damn, Gabe.
I am impressed.
- Hmm? I remember making those light bulbs go on when I was a teacher.
Felt pretty good, huh? For sure.
[SIGHS.]
I think I'm gonna dive back in next semester.
You know, plenty of principals teach classes to stay sharp.
You don't need to teach a class to stay sharp, Miss Mads.
You're looking sharp anytime you pour yourself into a dress.
See what you've been missing? ["EL REY" PLAYING.]
[LIP-SYNCHING TO SPANISH LYRICS.]
Surface streets, surface streets! [CONTINUES LIP-SYNCHING TO SPANISH LYRICS.]
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING.]
Two things I'm not cut out for: academics and decathlons.
Ah, come on, Walt.
That's what you guys said about the talent show, and look how great that turned out.
We lost to the janitor.
Yeah, but he was really good.
He plunged his way right into our hearts.
[CHUCKLES.]
A-And he flushed our chances down the toilet.
[STUDENTS LAUGH.]
But don't worry, no way we'll lose to the custodial staff in the decathlon.
Grace is right.
No, we're gonna lose to the honor students.
Come on, Mikey, be a little more optimistic.
This is you as a cheerleader: [IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE.]
"Who're we gonna beat? Nobody! What're we gonna do? Lose!" The honor students have all the advantages.
- [IN NORMAL VOICE.]
Come on, like what? - All the honor students.
Well, not all of them.
Stop it.
But, they do get all the school-issued iPads.
That is true.
When we learn about the American Revolution, we will learn about it the same way they did in 1776: - from books! - [DESK RATTLES.]
Mr.
I, look, they also get extra help from expensive tutors.
That is true.
Hey, but do they have these awesome, minty green note cards purchased with a teacher's salary from Costco? Along with a couple of Chicken Bakes? See? We're analog, they're digital.
They get Intel chips implanted in their brain.
Not true, Lorenzo, but even if it was, you have plenty of intel already implanted in your brains, too.
Huh? What? When? No, I knew it! Dude, calm down.
We talked about this.
- Hey, bring it in.
- Okay.
[BOTH SPEAKING SOFTLY.]
Lorenzo, Mr.
Iglesias is just saying he's taught us a lot this semester.
Exactly.
Watch.
Mikey, what building was under attack during "The Star-Spangled Banner"? Uh Okay, okay.
Uh, Fortnite, midnight, snacked on McRib Fort McHenry! What just happened? Mikey used a mnemonic device Mr.
Iglesias gave him to remember an answer.
Uh-huh, uh-huh! So he is using devices! - [PANTING.]
- [BREATHING STEADILY.]
Lorenzo, uh, are you allowed to take your emotional support Walt on airplanes? Okay, here's another one.
Um Mikey, finish this Ronald Reagan quote: [IMITATING REAGAN.]
"Mr.
Gorbachev " [SHOUTS.]
"Tear down this wall!" Man, it feels good to say that.
[CHUCKLES.]
Imagine that, a Republican president who thought walls were a bad idea.
Not just history, ancient history.
[IN NORMAL VOICE.]
See? You guys don't need iPads.
How many times do I have to tell you? You guys are smart.
If you keep having to tell us, it's probably not true.
Really? Okay, what about this? Uh - What president defeated the Nazis? - [GRACE.]
Oh! I love how you taught us to remember this one.
F-dem-racists.
F.
D.
R.
Franklin Delano Roosevelt! [RAKEEM GRUNTS.]
That's right! And the best part about history is it repeats itself.
Kinda like me with fourth grade.
Lot easier the second time, huh? Listen, with or without iPads, those honor students are gonna be in big trouble, okay? I've been working to close the gap between the haves and the have-nots.
Have you had any luck? I have not.
[THEME SONG PLAYING.]
Mr.
Iglesias Mr.
Iglesias I'm serious, dude.
That's why they call him Baby Leg.
Good morning, Mr.
Hayward.
Doubt it.
Ah, I should've known better than to open up with something as controversial as "good morning.
" [RAY.]
As you know, our contract is up.
And as your union rep, I regret to inform you that the district is pushing for rollbacks across the board.
- Hey, where's the coffee maker? - Across the board.
Come on, what gives? I I I need coffee to teach.
I mean, me without coffee, that's like Uh See? I need coffee.
So, can I count on both of your votes to authorize a teachers' strike? Not without my coffee.
I wouldn't mind a little paid vacation.
Count me in as pro-strike.
You know you don't get paid when on strike, right? Oh, I'm pro-pay raise, but anti-strike.
Hey, can't we just get a pay raise without a strike? Maybe we should just ask nicely, huh? Why didn't I think of that? Jackass.
Good morning, everyone! Oh, hey, Abby.
Be careful, you can't just barge in here with a "good morning.
" Ms.
Spencer, will you be voting yes for a strike authorization? Oh, I don't know, Mr.
Hayward.
I believe in our union's cause, I do, but we have the best job in the world.
Abby, we're high school teachers, not Rihanna's weed dealer.
Well, if it means I have to sell some plasma every month to make sure my kids have pencils, that's a sacrifice I'm willing to make.
What's your blood type, O-super-duper-positive? Mine's Cholula.
Aren't you tired of part of your measly paycheck going to buy supplies? I just get it from the supply room, room 308.
That's, uh That's Mr.
Hayward's room.
Is it? That explains why the first-aid kit had cocoa butter.
Cocoa butter.
Oh, is that why black don't crack? Offensive, but yes.
I knew it! [CHUCKLES.]
Abby, Mr.
Hayward's actually 35.
That's That's how hard teaching is.
Which is why I need you guys to vote yes on the authorization.
But my kids are so close to the decathlon.
If we strike now, I won't be there when they need me the most.
I'm just asking for everyone to authorize a strike.
If you raise a cudgel, you don't have to swing it.
Oh, you just need the leverage.
Raise that thing up high enough, whip it around, they'll pee their pants.
[CHUCKLES.]
Ah, I'm glad she's on our side.
[SILENTLY MOUTHING.]
Hey, Mr.
Hayward, on behalf of all the teachers, I vote yes, but on behalf of my students, I have to say no.
Quiet, management approaches.
What's this, Ray? Do I smell a hollow strike threat? With subtle notes of "not getting a raise"? Has anyone ever told you you're the orange Starburst of people? I don't like strikes, they're messy.
Like a threesome after a crawfish boil.
And you know who gets stuck cleaning up the mess? Me.
At the school or at the crawfish boil? Both.
Don't worry, Paula, they're not striking.
They're wusses.
Wusses? You have two different tuxedos for your dog.
Yeah.
And guess who never gets caught off-guard when one of them is at the dry cleaners? All I know is when I say I'm going to walk, I do it.
Ask my three ex-husbands.
I would, but no one's seen Bone, Thugs, or Harmony for years.
Paula, look, no one wants a strike.
No one wants to hurt the kids either.
Gabe, I hope you get everything you're asking for, but if you don't wanna hurt the kids, then don't strike.
[GASPS.]
Great! No strike.
Close call! That was exciting.
Hey, you want exciting? You should've been here the day the vending machine broke.
Free Flamin' Hot Cheetos for everyone.
Bro, you charged me a quarter a bag.
Paula, teachers are hurting.
Oh, cry me a river.
Look, I remember when I was a teacher.
It was easy.
Summers off, good healthcare, and an apple a day, so we didn't even need healthcare.
Gabe, you guys work less than any other profession, but somehow complain twice as much.
Carlos, you know what would happen if teachers didn't do their jobs? What? We'd end up with adults so dumb they think teachers are lazy.
Precisely.
Uh Wait, what? Mr.
Hayward, you promise this strike authorization is just a negotiation tool? - I promise.
- Then count me in.
If it's the best way to avoid a strike, I'm in.
Yeah, if it's the best way to get on Abby's team, I'm in.
Yes, that's it.
We're over the top.
Raising the cudgel of a unified front.
Yeah, without swinging it.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I gotta go hit Starbucks before I flip over a school bus.
[GRUNTS.]
Wait, where the hell is the coffee maker? Oh.
I might have hidden it to make a point.
And I'm really impressed at how many of you are showing up for these after-school jam sessions for the academic decathlon.
It was this or violin.
[CHUCKLES.]
It wasn't close.
[SIGHS, CHUCKLES.]
Yeah, now that football's over, I need something to scratch that competitive itch.
You know they sell stuff for that, right? Mr.
Iglesias, we heard you were going on strike.
Ah, no, no, no.
You also heard that, uh, Principal Madison was on American Idol, but in reality, she just waited in line and got sent home.
Nobody is going on strike.
Yeah, because you wouldn't walk out on us right before the academic decathlon.
Look, the only reason I would go on strike is if In-N-Out stopped selling Animal Fries.
So you voted no? Uh, oh, no, I voted yes.
What? Look, Mr.
Hayward promised it's the best way - to avoid going on strike.
- And you bought it? This is like when we let Facebook collect our personal data and trusted they wouldn't sell it to the highest bidder.
[COUGHS.]
Russia! Relax, you guys.
No one is going on strike.
Just got off the phone with the union.
We're on strike.
Pack your things, Gabriel.
Sounds like the opposite of what he just promised.
Look, don't pay attention to Mr.
Hayward.
He's one clipped mailbox away from being on the DMV's "too old to drive" list.
Huh.
Turns out he would abandon us right before the academic decathlon.
Now would be a good time to say something inspiring, Mr.
Iglesias.
At least, funny.
[SIGHS.]
I'm really sorry, guys.
Not funny or inspiring.
Damn, since you went on strike, you totally lost it.
Thank you, Ruthie.
You'll be a great sub for Mrs.
Lopez's Spanish class.
I'm sure it'll come back to you.
And if all else fails, play them an episode of Narcos.
I'm sure those gentleman speak proper Spanish.
Arrivederci.
Yeah, close enough.
Okay, adiós.
Okay, Carlos, this administration has to cover these classrooms.
What can you teach? Oh, I can teach theater.
[CHUCKLES.]
I'm quite the dramaturge.
Theater was cut four years ago.
[GROANS.]
"The unkindest cut.
" Fine, give me Mr.
Iglesias' class.
They can use a little discipline.
Okay, it'll be good for them to experience a different teaching style, someone who's not trying to be their friend.
Exactly, [SOFTLY.]
I don't need friends.
Good thing.
What about you, Paula? Which classes will you be taking over? Oh, I'll be teaching a little class called "Mama don't do demotions.
" Paula, before I hit the picket line, I gotta talk to you about my students.
God! When is it not about your students? This is exhausting.
"Wah! My students are getting counseled out.
Ooh, I got them into the talent show.
" Yay, my students are competing in the decathlon!" That pretty much sums up my semester.
[SIGHS.]
Well, if you look at it that way, your kids have had a remarkable journey.
Too bad you blew it by going on strike.
Come on, Paula, my kids are so close.
You were an excellent teacher.
You could take over my class and pull them across the finish line.
I probably could, but Carlos will be teaching your class.
Carlos? Seriously, Carlos? Carlos has two limitations as a teacher: one, he doesn't know anything, and two, he can't teach.
Strikes have consequences, Gabe, and your consequence is your kids are being babysat by Mr.
Doubtfire.
Come on.
Take over my class.
I heard you saved so many at-risk kids, they almost made a movie about you.
My answer is no.
- [SIGHS.]
- Michelle Pfeiffer, my black ass.
How long do these strikes usually last? I got money on it lasting under a month.
You bet on the strike? No, I mean, I don't have enough money for it to last more than a month.
That's what strike funds are for, Tony.
Great, fork it over.
Okay.
How many children do you have? - None.
- Wifey? Single.
Ailing parents you're taking care of? No, my sister does that.
[CHUCKLES.]
Then start bagging groceries, Tony, because the strike fund isn't for people like you.
Katie, thank you so much for letting us use this place as strike headquarters.
I wish I was in a union.
My dad makes us punch out before we do our side work.
Sounds like somebody ought to punch him out.
Well, Ray has a bat if you need to negotiate with your father.
- Oh.
- Mm-hmm.
Aluminum or wood? Well, I'm old-school, but I went aluminum in the '80s.
See, more bat speed sends a clearer message to the scabs.
[GABE.]
Whoo! - What's up, fellow strikers? - [ABBY.]
Oh, hey, Gabe.
Were you able to convince Paula to teach your kids? Nope, she went with the guy who killed our two-ply toilet paper idea.
[SIGHS.]
Carlos, huh? Every day we're on strike, your kids will be getting dumber.
Yeah, I know.
It'll be like those Thai soccer players stuck in that cave.
Only instead of the water, it'll be the ignorance level rising hour by hour.
Well, it shouldn't take more than a month.
A month? This wasn't even supposed to happen.
This is gonna undo everything I've worked for all semester.
Well, my honors kids should be fine.
They pretty much teach themselves anyway.
You know, when you think about it, you've been on strike for years.
Okay, I'm going to read you something I think you'll find very useful: your rights.
A-boom! You know what they found with stop-and-frisk in New York? Marijuana cigarettes? No, they found that if you treat people like criminals, they become criminals.
I'm sure those people were already Already what? Black? [SIGHS.]
No.
That's not what I meant, Rakeem.
He's Lorenzo, I'm Rakeem.
- Yes, okay, my bad.
That's on me.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
Innocent mistake.
All I'm saying, in a civilized society "Civilized" society? We're criminals, remember? Attica! [ALL CHANTING.]
Attica! Attica! Attica! [SHOUTS.]
Don't make me take off my shoes! I swear to gosh [SIGHS.]
Carlos, get it together.
I heard them chanting all the way down the hall.
They're animals.
Is the nurse on strike? I need to lie down.
- I think that's a good idea.
- [WEAKLY.]
Okay.
- I miss Mr.
Iglesias.
- I'm on it.
Okay.
Students, your sub has a sub.
You can call me Ms.
Madison.
Or Miss Mads, if you're nasty.
It's from a little album in '86 called Control, if you feel like learning some real history.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Uh, Ms.
'Net Um, uh Ms.
Madison, um Have you ever taught a class before? Of course.
How do you think someone becomes a principal? By taking an online course at Kaplan University? Or by giving up on your real dreams? I think I liked you more when you didn't talk, Grace.
I use my teaching wand to transform students.
[SCOFFING, LAUGHING.]
Shut up! This is real.
Teaching gave me a sense of purpose.
Why'd you stop? Being a teacher gave me a sense of purpose.
Being a principal gave me a sense of home-ownership.
Okay, but, look, while I'm here, I can teach you a little something.
I don't know.
You got some pretty big calves to fill.
Okay.
Guys, I got this.
What? Mr.
Iglesias does voices, right? I do voices.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
[IN EXAGGERATED COLONIAL ACCENT.]
"Look at me! I am the first president of the United States.
I also own slaves, but they didn't tell you that.
" [CHUCKLES.]
[CHUCKLING, IN NORMAL VOICE.]
Okay, okay.
So what'd you think? - Whoo! - I don't think I'm ever gonna forget what I just saw.
[IN EXAGGERATED COCKNEY ACCENT.]
What? That Washington owned slaves? You won't.
Abracadabra.
[IN NORMAL VOICE.]
I'm back.
Yeah, you are.
Dude, I forgot how much I miss performing I mean, teaching Um in front of a classroom.
Um Miss Mads, um a student just texted me.
There's a riot in Ms.
Lopez's Spanish class.
Oh, dammit, Ruthie.
Just when I was getting my teach on, now I gotta go back to being a principal again.
I sent up the Bat-Signal, and here's Batman.
[PANTING.]
Hey.
I got your text.
Let's make this quick.
I'm not supposed to be here.
This reminds me of when I see you at the drive-through.
Yeah, I'm not supposed to be there either.
Stupid keto diet.
Okay, quick.
You hit me with the mnemonic devices - and I'll pass them on to the class.
- Okay.
The main reason for the Spanish-American War was the sinking of the USS Maine.
- Main reason, Maine, got it.
- [GABE.]
Yeah.
Didn't have you pegged for a scab, Gabe.
- Mr.
Hayward? - [RAY.]
Yeah.
Whoo, I thought it was Baby Leg.
Just want you to know, I support the union, Mr.
Hayward.
Then you understand I have to break his arm.
- What? - Got your attention, huh? [GABE.]
Mm-hmm.
Since you didn't go into the school and I know how much you care about young people, I'mma give you a pass.
- And just so you know - Mmm? your bat would break on these guns.
Yeah, yeah.
Impressive.
Want me to put this chicken wing down and test it? - Oh, hey.
- [BOTH CHUCKLE.]
Mr.
Hayward, my students have come so far.
You know, when the semester first started, Mikey thought Mussolini was a pasta.
- Mussolini Alfredo.
- [BOTH CHUCKLE.]
Yeah, put a little cream sauce on it, and anything tastes better, including fascism.
The point is, I know my kids could beat the honors students, and I feel like I'm letting them down.
See, that's where the game is rigged.
No one chooses to be a teacher without caring about young people.
What about Tony? Okay, almost nobody.
[SIGHS.]
But I really need to be there for my kids.
Well, there is a way.
How? I can't go back to the school, you still have a bat.
You don't need a school to teach kids, you just need kids.
Okay, so, I'll take care of my students, - and you take care of the teachers.
- Yeah.
[SMACKS LIPS.]
- Eh - [RAY.]
Hmm.
[CHUCKLES.]
[GABE SIGHS.]
All right, Lucille.
Time to get freaky.
[CHUCKLES.]
- [MARISOL.]
Hey.
- Hey.
Um, are you sure this is okay? Between us, no, but if anyone asks, yes.
This is like The Magic School Bus.
Ha! Where to next, Ms.
Frizzle? [ALL LAUGH.]
- Road trip.
- Yeah.
Where are we heading? Tijuana? Vegas? Amsterdam? Well, we're taking a field trip to our new classroom.
Aw, man.
Can you drop me off in Vegas? - Dude, I'm sitting here.
- It's the same seat, I called it! Same seat? You've never been in my car before.
[CLICKS TONGUE.]
[SIGHS.]
Where are we going, Mr.
Iglesias? Knowledge Avenue.
That street blows.
[PANTING.]
Take the surface streets.
Serpentine, okay? If you're driving to the airport, helicopters can't follow you into that airspace.
Good to know.
Hey, you might wanna grab your emotional support Walt.
[BOTH BREATHING DEEPLY.]
Okay, Gabriel, make sure you teach 'em how unions built this country.
Teddy Roosevelt.
Rough Rider, trust buster, and our greatest bespectacled president.
Okay.
I'm off to bust some anti-union heads, huh? All right.
He's kidding, you guys.
He's not really gonna bust any heads.
He mostly works on limbs.
I'll have a 7 and 7.
Is that how old you are? Seven and seven? [CHUCKLES.]
Math humor, I dig it.
Well, speaking of numbers, maybe you give me yours? [LAUGHS.]
Oh, step away from the bar, buddy.
[CHUCKLES.]
One more question or you're gonna get hosed down with the club-soda gun.
All right - The War of 1812.
- Ooh! Ooh! 1812.
Not what I was gonna ask, but you nailed it.
Paula.
I told you we were being followed! - Serpentine, man.
Serpentine.
- It's okay.
There you guys are.
I've been looking for you dangerous minds.
Uh, why would you be looking for them? They haven't done anything wrong.
Though, Walt has tried.
I just want to help them get ready for the decathlon.
After all, I am their teacher until the strike is over.
Let me guess, after a few minutes, Carlos needed to lie down? Mm-hmm.
Truth be told, I almost did too.
Mm.
I forgot how hard this was.
I'm a little rusty, I could use some tips.
Well, the key is to coat their medicine in delicious peanut butter.
- That makes us sound like dogs.
- Shh! We're about to get delicious peanut butter.
What are you talking about? Watch.
Walt, you ready? Who did Richard Nixon defeat in 1968 to win the election? Oh, I got this.
You taught me that the election in '68 was like WrestleMania 28.
- Of course he did.
Big deal.
- Walt? And the Undertaker defeated Triple H.
The Undertaker was Nixon Obviously.
And Triple H, Hubert H.
Humphrey.
Boom! Ha! Time to play the game.
Walt for the win.
- Damn, Gabe.
I am impressed.
- Hmm? I remember making those light bulbs go on when I was a teacher.
Felt pretty good, huh? For sure.
[SIGHS.]
I think I'm gonna dive back in next semester.
You know, plenty of principals teach classes to stay sharp.
You don't need to teach a class to stay sharp, Miss Mads.
You're looking sharp anytime you pour yourself into a dress.
See what you've been missing? ["EL REY" PLAYING.]
[LIP-SYNCHING TO SPANISH LYRICS.]
Surface streets, surface streets! [CONTINUES LIP-SYNCHING TO SPANISH LYRICS.]
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING.]