Mr. Mayor (2021) s01e08 Episode Script

1 Okay.
Have fun tonight, sweetheart.
Don't stay up too late.
Don't do drugs.
And remember, Slenderman's not real.
When you thought you saw him in the woods, that was just Jeff Goldblum going for a walk.
- I'll text you in the morning.
- Yeah.
Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Is this a co-ed sleepover? I told you Sage and Latisse were coming.
Since when are those boy names? When I was growing up, Neil was as crazy as it got.
Wesed to have to spell it on the phone all the time.
- Hey, kid, come here! - Oh, my God! Are you gonna be weird about this? It's a Model U.
N.
sleepover.
It's just it's your first co-ed sleepover.
I feel like we should have had a conversation about it.
We've had so many conversations! You know, Orly, you also have eggs.
But boys have magical worms.
Also known as tumescence, it slowly starts See how those dogs are stuck? I take pride in my talks.
Sure, okay, I'm just saying that just because there's gonna be boys in the same house, doesn't mean we're gonna do anything from that Israeli coloring book that you got me.
Well, these are your decisions to make.
But when you do make them, I want it to be with someone special, like it was with me and your mom.
Hearts before parts, I always say.
Nope, I just made that up, but I stand by it.
Hearts, parts.
I got it.
Hearts, parts.
[light music.]
- Hey, kid.
- Huh? I see you.
[bright music.]
It seems like we're gonna be here late.
- Should we get dinner? - No, we gotta keep our momentum.
This budget's due Thursday.
If you're peckish, I've got a couple of hard-boiled eggs, and one of those Tom's savory toothpastes.
Or, we could duck out for din-din tonight? I hear it's dollar chicken night at Porgy's.
- That's too cheap, Jayden.
- We're not doing that.
I'm just saying, you know? Sometimes it's actually faster to go out.
And the food's hotter.
And I get free dessert wings, 'cause it's my birthday.
Wait, this is what you're doing for your birthday? Yeah, but it's okay.
You know, I love my job.
I don't need to go out.
I can turn 40 right here.
Now, roll me a birthday egg.
[cheerful music.]
Okay, fine.
Let's go to Porgy's.
Yes, I'm getting a Sprite! [laughs.]
[cell phone chimes.]
You think you're gonna be needing the car again tonight, sir? Nope yeah, just a lot of policy to read up on.
Very dry.
You go out there and have fun for me, Dan.
Sounds good, sir.
[line trilling.]
Hey there, gorgeous.
You up? [upbeat rock music playing.]
Okay, we did it, you're 40.
Jayden, maybe you get that to go? [imitates air horn blaring.]
What's up, Porgy's? It's Professor Jax coming at you with all the facts! Everybody grab a partner, because bar trivia starts right now! This place does trivia? I pick Arpi.
Good choice, Mr.
Tomás.
This brain is like a "Hoarders" episode.
Once something comes in, it never goes out.
The capital of Alaska is Juneau.
Cows have four stomachs.
I was wearing a blue sweater the day I saw a man drown.
And I was on a TLC documentary about child geniuses.
It actually ended up being more about my dad's hidden clown life, but still, you two are going down.
Tonight's winning team gets this one of my son's soccer trophies.
[imitates air horn blaring.]
Which three presidents died on July 4th? Jefferson, Adams, and Monroe! - Correct! - What? You guys didn't grow up with that placemat of the U.
S.
presidents and how they died? Question two: how long did the Vietnam War last? That's a loaded question, Jax.
Conflicts in the region predate - 19 years! - Correct! Well, that's a narrow view.
Every boyfriend I've ever had wanted to be the first guy to show me "Apocalypse Now.
" - [laughs.]
- Yeah! These two robins Kermit's nephew and Dick Grayson! [laughs.]
That is correct! This man's got his learning on tonight, folks.
I liked "The Muppets.
" - Morning.
- How's tricks, Kwapis? Tricks are bad, sir.
There's a picture of you trending on the Internet.
What? Who took that? Oh, must've been the driver from the car service I got her.
That used to be a noble profession, Jayden.
Obviously, I wanna hear all the dirty deets.
How French were the kisses? Did you see her tummy? Mmm.
- Oops, somebody saw some tum! - [both laugh.]
But Mayor-wise, this isn't great.
It's gross! The whole tableau is gross! Look, guys, Nicole is a very nice age-appropriate lady.
She's young enough to be your daughter.
I'm rich, and it's L.
A.
And besides, we've known each other for years.
We actually met I used to do this thing where I'd walk into a Pilates studio and I'd say, "Sorry, I thought this was the Bentley dealership.
" Slick! And I meet her in secret because I don't want Orly to think that I'm I don't know, betraying her mom's memory.
Well, you're safe.
I'm sure Orly never looks at the Internet.
[cell phone buzzes.]
[sighs.]
"Wow, Dad.
Nice photo, hypocrite.
" Who's it from? I don't feel good about our trivia performance last night, Mr.
Tomás.
It was a fluke, a classic "Slumdog Millionaire.
" Jayden only knew who Toscanini was because of a picture on the wall at Buca di Beppo.
Hey guys, I was thinking, let's split up the budget.
Just do it by seniority.
Everyone takes a section to proof.
I don't wanna keep doing late nights.
- Yeah, sure, sounds good.
- Great idea.
[laughs.]
And I know you two don't want another night like last night.
I bet it's driving you crazy - that me and Jayden beat you.
- Jayden and I.
'Cause you think you're smarter than us.
- Only empirically.
- You gotta admit.
You and Kwapis got pretty lucky.
Lucky? [scoffs.]
Mikaela Shaw doesn't get lucky.
I got HPV from a pair of vintage jeans.
You guys think you're so smart? Let's have a rematch.
Porgy's, tonight.
Or are you dollar chicken? [dramatic music.]
Bock, bock.
Wait, was that a yes or a no? - See you on the ice.
- Porgy's again? My birthday wish came true! [cell phone buzzing.]
[cheerful music.]
Hey, sweetie.
I was just about I know you got my text.
It says "read," Dad.
- Stupid phone! - I'm just confused.
I mean, yesterday, you said that my decisions should always be with some Someone special.
And I meant that.
Oh, so that was someone special? The lady that you called an Uber pool for? We share an account, Dad.
I hate these things! Look, when I said that stuff to you, I was I was thinking about Nicole.
She's very special.
Oh, my gosh, Dad.
Really? Yeah, she's my special lady.
[gags.]
If she's special to you, then she's special to me.
When can I meet her? How about tonight? - [laughs.]
- Oh I yeah.
No, I don't know if tonight's possible.
Yeah, Nicole is a busy professional work woman, and Oh, actually, you know, I can't tonight, either.
Latisse invited me to his lacrosse team's pool party.
He goes to a magnet school for kids who were emancipated from their parents.
Actually, tonight's good.
I just remembered.
You should meet Nicole tonight.
Let's meet Nicole, all right? [laughs.]
[laughter.]
[light tense music.]
May the most intelligent team win.
Meritocracy! Friendship! Yay! Tonight's prize is a big one a bassoon! Brand new, still in the case, guess how many times my son played it? The correct answer is none! [imitates air horn blaring.]
The first question is in world geography.
This sub-equatorial country is home to the yellow-tailed woolly monkey and one marmalade-loving bear Peru! 'Cause Paddington.
- Correct! - Yes! Mimi Rogers, Nicole Kidman, Katie Holmes, and Gorgolzop the Elder.
That's it! The gum disease, gingivitis! Correct again! - Dr.
Arnold Henry Kegel! - Nailed it! What is the capital of Alaska That'd be Juneau, Jax.
You didn't let me finish the question.
What is the capital of Alaska's main export - Natural gas.
- After natural gas? - Fishes? - Bingo! [both laugh.]
You need to relax and listen to the whole question.
Oh, a man telling me to relax and listen, that's some fresh lemonade.
Also, saying, "I knew that one," after every question is not helping our score.
Chocolate babies.
- I knew that one.
- Okay.
- This partnership is over.
- Fine, forget it! I don't even need another bassoon.
"King Lear"! It's what "Empire" was based off.
Correct! And we have a winner! - Yes! - [screams.]
Now come on up and get your bassoon.
I am so glad you could make it for dinner.
Thank you, and thank you for making it so last minute.
Oh, I'm into it.
I usually just have gummy bears for dinner on my way home from work.
Actually, you know, I thought that we could have a quiet night tonight.
Oh.
I'm making my specialty turkey à la king! Ooh! Yum, yum, yum! You must be Daddy's special friend.
Oh, hi! Nicole, this is my daughter, Orly.
She's joining us for dinner.
Oh, what a fun surprise.
- Can I get you a glass of wine? - Yeah.
I am so happy that my dad found you.
Thank you, honey.
[soft jazz music playing.]
Oh, wow, wow, wow! I can't believe I'm meeting your daughter, Neil.
All right.
Here, taste this.
Wait, does that have meat in it? It's turkey à la king.
Oh, well, I'm vegan.
It has the word turkey in it.
Dad, how could you not know Nicole is vegan? [laughs softly.]
I guess I forgot.
I'm so sorry.
I'm sorry, Nicole.
Is it is it hot in here? Let me take your jacket.
Oh, no! Mm.
Ah, okay.
What else can I tell you? Well, Nicole runs a Pilates studio.
Oh oh, no, it was Pilates, but we pivoted.
Now we do fairy birthday parties for adults.
Ah, okay.
Is it scary to be in love? [chokes.]
[coughs.]
Um, I see I told Orly that I think that you and I have a nice connection.
Yeah, for sure.
For sure! So, how long have you guys known each other? Um, six years? - Mm-hmm.
- Six years? Wow, I can't believe I haven't met you before.
Well, Nicole lives in Tarzana.
Yeah, and your dad lives here.
Wait, do you live here? I remember your place being nicer.
Ah, no, no.
I moved here because, you know, this is where the mayor lives.
Right.
You work for the mayor? [laughing.]
[light music.]
[laughs.]
Well, thank you for coming.
I hope Orly didn't come on too strong.
Oh, no, she's a doll.
- I made this for you.
- Oh.
Thank you, Orly.
It's gonna go right on the mini fridge.
Oh, look at that.
[chuckles.]
Bye.
You should be ashamed of yourself! - I should be ashamed? - Yeah.
You have been slorshing that lady for six years.
Well, is that a term, or are you messing with me 'cause you know I'm gonna repeat it? Oh, all right, fine, Orly.
Yeah, you got me.
Nicole is parts before hearts.
But now she thinks this is a real relationship.
I'm gonna have to somehow find a way to dig myself out of this without hurting her feelings.
And she happens to be one of the neatest ladies that I see.
Wait, there are other ladies you see? Do you do this every time I'm away? No what? Hey, you want a new phone? When I came back from camp, and the hot tub was being cleaned? When the eighth-grade ski trip ended early and I found all those Diet Coke cans in the sauna? Mm When I had my wisdom teeth removed, and I had that dream about Cheryl Tiegs? - No, that was Cheryl Tiegs.
- Oh, my God! All right, yes.
Yes, I sneak around, Orly, 'cause none of these women are good enough to meet you.
Well, then be sneakier, because I don't wanna have to deal with this grossness ever again! All right.
[sighs.]
I'm gonna ask you one more question.
You didn't buy me that too-big Tinkerbell outfit, did you? You let me sleep in it all summer! Oh, you're mad? She's the one who got fired from Disneyland for losing the costume! [shaky bassoon notes.]
That was "Shallow" by Bradley Cooper and Stefani Germanotta.
I'm still learning, but I'll pick it up quickly, 'cause I'm kind of a genius.
Oh, you're about as funny as a heart attack.
You're just jealous 'cause I beat you guys, despite having Jayden on my team.
What do you mean, despite? You think I'm some kinda idiot that can't Intentional! Jayden, I'm sorry, but come on.
You know I'm LeBron, and you're, like, the Laker Vanessa Hudgens hooked up with.
I think you mean Kyle Kuzma.
You see? You think you were carrying me? I was carrying you! I ran the board on discontinued candies and "Playboy" in the '90s.
Ooh, he's got a point.
Maybe Jayden should get the bassoon.
Hey, here's a question.
Who's not on my trivia team anymore Mikaela! You didn't give me a chance to answer.
Oh, I knew that one! Okay, so maybe we settle this definitively tonight! Well, I'm free.
I finished my section of the budget.
- Me too.
- I did mine.
Okay, it's on tonight.
Our friend Jax is at Canter's Deli Two in Torrance.
It's every they for themself.
[lively music.]
Wow, wow, wow! Two days ago, I did not think I would be visiting your office.
- Please, sit down.
- Okay.
[sighs.]
So, Nicole.
Boy, these last couple of days have been very special.
Neil, please stop, stop! I can't see you anymore.
I'm so sorry.
Wait, uh, you can't see me? Yeah, I mean, you're fun, but I don't think of us as a serious match.
You're in my phone as "Short Neil.
" You have a taller Neil? I just think we're at different places in our lives.
Like, you're looking for a stepmom for your kid, or a caregiver, someone to drive at night.
I am not that girl.
I drink at night, and I need to honor that part of myself.
[sighs.]
Well, okay.
- Yeah, I respect your decision.
- Yeah, okay.
Yeah, but just for the record, sit down for a sec.
Oh, okay.
That's not what I'm looking for.
You know, I enjoy a casual good time.
Orly just caught me.
Look, I get it.
Your wife just died.
Well, eight years ago.
Oh, and you're still just hooking up? You're, like, 60.
Yes.
What I'm trying to say is, I'm not looking for a serious relationship either, because my priority is Orly.
Okay, but you do realize Orly's gonna go off to college in, like, two years, right? My God.
Don't say that.
Yeah, and you need to make space for yourself, and your emotional needs.
My friend Carly went through this as a single mom.
She wouldn't date for years, and then when Baller went off to college, she was like, "Now what, I'm 31.
" Well, maybe I should call Carly.
You do not wanna do that.
Carly is married to an MMA fighter now.
He will kill you.
But you might wanna ask yourself, "Why am I so closed off to the possibility of real love?" I mean, not with me, because I'm too hot to be your wife when your eyes go.
It would be a waste.
But, you know, in general.
I guess maybe I use Orly as an excuse.
- Because this is easy.
- [chuckles.]
But dating at 72, ah! Oh, my God, sweetie.
I'm proud of you! Also, personal record for me.
It's just maybe my ship has sailed.
What, are you kidding? You're a catch.
You're sweet, you're rich.
You work for the mayor.
I am the mayor.
[laughs incredulously.]
Okay.
I'm just saying you might be able to find someone really great, if you open your heart to it.
Thank you, Nicole.
And I you know what, I hope you you find the right person too.
Oh, I don't do monogamy.
Big Capricorn energy.
Also, my dad had a secret family.
Whatever, it's boring.
I gotta go.
- Bye.
- Bye.
[light music playing.]
Here all alone? [chuckles.]
Sad.
Welcome, welcome, quiz heads.
How's everybody doing tonight? Get to the heat of the meet, Jax.
Yeah, we're not here for "Host Chat.
" Sorry, Jax, they're idiots.
Yeah, that's Mikaela.
I think she's on all the apps, but nothing.
- What did he say? - Doctor Elephant is a she.
What is wrong with you people? Two nights ago, you were all sitting there together sharing a dollar chicken like friends.
We're not friends, we're coworkers.
And we did not share that chicken.
It's true.
I ate the whole chicken.
Oh, now you're at separate tables? I mean, what is more important, your work family, or this brand new glow-in-the dark samurai sword that my son says he's "too old" for, and if I were "around more, I'd know that"? Anyway, that's the prize tonight.
First question! Believe it or not, the city of Los Angeles spends $7.
3 million every year just on this, also known as "shoefitti"? Cutting down sneakers from electrical wires! - Correct! - Yes! Street maintenance was in my section of the budget proof.
What no, shoefitti removal was in my part.
I proofed pages 1 through 120.
We split it up by seniority, and Chief of Staff is the highest.
Yeah, but I'm the Chair of the Budget Committee, so I'm kinda, like, your king.
Are you two serious? I proofed section one.
I've been at city hall longer than all of you combined.
I thought I could go first because it's my birthday! - Crap on a cracker.
- We didn't finish the budget! We've got 400 pages left to go! It's due tomorrow! [energetic music.]
[imitates air horn blaring.]
Question two! Are my son and I ever gonna be okay? He loves you.
Just stop taking your feelings about his mom out on him.
Also, make a consistent schedule and stick to it! [camera shutter clicking.]
Oh, wait, wait.
Wait a second.
Okay.
Oh, my God.
Why are you hugging Mom's urn? So women know I'm not divorced.
This just looks like you murdered Mom, and are kind of bragging that you got away with it.
Good note.
Okay, so, should I show a lot of teeth when I smile? I'm kinda proud of my gum health.
Dad, just be normal.
[laughs.]
I don't know.
There he is! Okay, now where do we wanna put this? You're the mayor, so you need some privacy.
Well, I already signed up for Postmates.
Dad, that's a food thing.
For restaurants.
So when I checked Cuban, Asian, and New American, that was all food? Ew, what? Okay, let's try Graya.
It's like old people's Raya.
Let's pick an appropriate age range.
55 to - 35? - 75.
[laughs.]
God.
All right, yes, yes.
Go ahead and hit send.
Save, but good job.
- Thank you.
- I'm really proud of you.
- [doorbell rings.]
- It's probably Postmates.
We're gonna be eating a lot of healthy Armenian the next couple of days.
Ooh, that's a nice one.
Hey, ho.
Here's your budget.
Checked, re-checked, and then we got a little crazy and checked it again.
But the important thing is, we did it together, and we're all the smartest.
And at midnight, we did Bloody Mary in the mirror! Only Jayden did that, sir, and he soiled himself.
I got these out of a lost and found.
Hey, Tommy.
Ooh! Do you usually straighten your hair? Oh, no, no, no, no.
She poofed! This is why I left London.
[whimpers.]
Anyway, great job, you guys.
Thank you very much.
One tiny note.
Cover page says "City Bulget.
" Tommy! All right, back to work.
Jayden, do your thing.
[sighs.]
[bassoon scales.]