Mulligan (2023) s01e08 Episode Script

1
The Wonder Team can't be beat ♪
Keeping evildoers off the street ♪
I'm Reverse Wolverine.
I heal real slow.
I'm Polka Dot.
I've got blotches!
Professor Bendy at your service.
Ow!
They got powers from the aliens ♪
No, you didn't. Stop.
You are suffering
from serious vitamin deficiencies.
Scurvy, rickets, anemia, beriberi
Is that what gave us powers?
Nope, you don't have powers.
But a severe B12 deficiency
can lead to psychosis,
which might explain
the voices you're hearing.
Don't listen to her
She's jealous of your powers ♪
Cut it out. This is serious.
You people need fruits and vegetables,
and I don't mean my ex-husbands.
Dr. Levine ♪
Living the dream
She's having it all ♪
Cowherd, go back to Madame Tussauds
and bring me back all the Biebers.
General, we need a truck.
Not happening.
I got one truck left with gas in it.
It's a matter of national security.
There's no fruit!
I haven't bathroomed in so long.
It's like when I got sent home
from summer camp.
There's a seed vault
in Beltsville, Maryland
And seeds grow into plants.
I wrote the book report on plants, Doctor.
The president said we could use a truck.
I'm lying!
My skin feels hot from lying.
He didn't say that.
A truck for seeds? No!
We just need it for a few hours.
What do seeds need to be
in a vault for anyway?
Who's gonna steal seeds?
Bird bank robbers.
Ocean's Eleven but with birds.
Bank Robins!
We gotta make that!
He went on to act out the whole movie.
It wasn't bad.
Look, the president needs the truck,
and I can't tell you how come.
He made me cross my heart, man,
and I'm not looking to die.
Jesus, everyone knows he's looking for
the national treasure
from that Nicolas Cage movie.
I'm just over here,
admiring this regular fireplace
with Ben Franklin's glasses,
'cause fashion reasons.
Yeah, not looking for anything.
Come on, where is that treasure?
Uh, Treasure's my dog's name.
Here, Treasure!
Wait, what?
Okay, okay, okay.
If only he cared about our food supply
as much as he cares about
a fake treasure from a movie
that is so full
of historical inaccuracies.
It may as well be Amadeus.
Mozart and Salieri were cordial.
We should have told him
the national treasure was in Beltsville.
Or we trick him
and have him lead us there?
The president wants a treasure hunt?
Let's give him one.
Where is that stupid treasure?
All right. Right, right, right.
I gotta change your name.
What's a good name for a dog?
Mr. President?
No, that's my name. Don't learn that.
We need to speak with you.
It's about the national treasure.
I knew it! It's real!
Yep, there's a treasure that has been
amassed since the times of Ancient Egypt.
It weighs thousands of tons
but has traveled around undetected
for the last 4,000 years.
What about
National Treasure 2: Book of Secrets?
Is there a president's book of secrets?
No, that's idiotic!
I will not tell you
Mount Rushmore was carved
to protect yet another treasure.
I won't do it.
Okay, the important thing
is the first treasure's real.
Simon knows all about it
because he comes from a long line
of treasure protectors.
That's why you care about history.
But what's Braun doing here?
Is she, like, Justin Bartha's mom, or
Dr. Braun is my sidekick.
Does she have fun catchphrases?
Bingo-boingo, pass the taters!
Oh yeah.
Okay, you're in.
So this is the key
to finding the treasure.
My father's diary.
His what? Was your dad a teenage girl?
"Dear Diary,
I have a total crush on my son's mom."
"Work was fun today.
We learned about business."
Cool. Anyway,
his journal is full of clues.
And I bet it says the first clue
is on the Declaration of Independence.
- What?
- Amazing.
Of course.
"Phew, eel poet"
is an anagram of "We, the people."
- Like in the Declaration
- Of Independence.
Let's go. We'll take Truck Force One.
Wrong way. Follow me.
So I told John Bolton,
"Boy, you better grow a mustache,
'cause that is the worst
damn lip tattoo I've ever seen."
Did you know the president left,
and no one knows where he went?
He said he was going
to regular president places.
"Jeez, TOD, you're not my mom."
Well, then who have I been talking to?
Bueller!
This ducking sucks!
Oh. That's what my phone
used to correct it to.
Matty was gonna be, like,
the highlight of my tour.
TOD did tour.
Helmand Province.
I invited a group of teens
to visit the White House.
My new cause is teens.
I got the idea while counting to 20.
I don't know why
you'd invite teenagers here.
The only thing they're good for
is buying cigarettes, but not alcohol,
and going to war, but not voting.
Being a kid was hard enough
before Splody Times,
and now I just want them
to have good role models
so they don't end up like Irstenkay.
Are you talking about me?
No, Kirsten, she's talking about me!
Say it to my face, bitch!
I hate this job,
I hate my dad for getting me this job,
and I need to leave early today.
God!
No, honey, I was talking about
a different Irstenkay.
God save our gracious me ♪
Long live our noble me ♪
God save the me ♪
Oh, Mr. Zhao,
to what do we owe the pleasure?
Slow news day, Your Majesty.
And we've run out of stories
about unlikely animal friendships.
- We're down to unlikely animal frenemies.
- Hmm!
You know, I went
to a boarding school in the UK.
Listen to the way I say "aluminium."
It's ridiculous.
And in England, the newspapers
and the royal family are like this.
Uh, like th
My fingers are too chubby to interlace.
It's a sign of great wealth,
so it's aspirational.
So, what hot goss you got for me?
You know why the president
tore out of here this morning in a lorry?
Man, when I'm around my chums,
my accent sure comes back.
The president isn't home?
Maybe he's having an affair.
How's this headline?
"Prezzo Getting Schmezzo."
Is "schmezzo" slang for anything?
What? No, never.
An An affair in the White House?
Pshawford!
The more formal version of "pshaw."
Well, I don't know
what we're gonna yell about today.
How about the food shortage?
What's sexy about that?
Nothing.
I've I've lost some weight, but nothing.
Other presidents,
they just sit on their ass.
I mean, FDR, he didn't even bother
to stand up for his sculpture.
He used a wheelchair.
But I do stuff.
People are gonna be psyched when I come
back with a truck full of treasure,
especially Lucy.
Let me tell you something,
women want three things.
Off-menu Dunkin' items,
noticing when their hair's different,
and jewelry.
Wow, quit making me horny.
Huh. I don't see any clues on here,
and I'm wearing
the very best modern glasses.
Guess we should give up.
Or the problem is your glasses.
Hang on, I can see
a light shining on one of the names.
Wow, it must be the dawn's early light.
Like in that song.
But who's Stephen Hopkins?
- Huh.
- Hopkins was from Rhode Island.
Hopkins
"Hop," bunny.
"Kins," relative.
Bunny relative.
Kangaroo.
The treasure's in Australia!
Mmm, and Australia is exactly
on the other side of the world from?
Rhode Island!
Which has the word "road" in it.
And also "island," like Australia!
And there's a road called
Rhode Island Avenue right here in D.C.!
Great job, sir.
Hey, I'm basically Indiana Jones,
except snakes are afraid of me,
and when my dad gets kidnapped,
the family does nothing.
The president is missing.
That means I'm in charge.
That means I'm in charge.
Hail to the me, hey! ♪
Now the song's got lyrics ♪
And they're in English
'Cause Spanish is illegal now ♪
I can't stop!
President's the dream ♪
It's the dream I've always dreamed of ♪
Now I'm so clean ♪
It's the clean I've always cleaned of ♪
This is my house
And I have to defend it ♪
Cool.
Yeah, uh
I always dreamed
of sitting behind this desk
ever since I was in short pants,
and I do mean short.
Dream.
TOD have dreams?
But the Bible says
a boy's knobby legs
are his crown and glory.
Son, are you even listening?
Yes.
Dream.
Ugh.
Oh, come on, have some respect.
This desk used to be a boat.
What in Kid Nation?
Well, purple my nurple.
It's the president's book of secrets.
What up, fam?
First Lady in the Whiz House!
That's White House,
not, like, toilet house.
It's the president's house,
although he's not actually here.
What?
You can't do that to us.
We're Generation Splode.
We have abandonment issues
for some reason.
Well, even without him,
this tour is gonna be totally schmezzo!
That's not how you use "schmezzo."
Will there be stairs?
'Cause my bones hurt
from not having calcium.
Conk-a-choo, conk-a-choo.
That's how we say
"knock, knock" in England.
Jeremy, uh, this is not a good time.
I'm giving a tour
And she's so bad at it.
Oh well, perhaps I can help.
After all, do you know
what well-behaved tour groups get?
Knighted.
Fun fact, the White House
used to have floor-to-ceiling walls.
But this is not the first time
the White House has suffered damage.
It was burned in 1814
by, I'm sorry to say, the British.
But now our countries enjoy
a friendly relationship.
Sometimes very friendly.
Why'd you say "friendly" like that?
'Cause they definitely hooked up.
What? No, we're friends.
I mean, truly.
Since when does friendly
mean anything sexual?
Anyway, our next stop
is the White House swimming pool.
Fun fact, it is now full of lizards.
Which way do we go?
Or Or is it a trick?
Maybe we go north.
Do you think north is up?
Uh, yeah. Look at a map, Doctor.
I found something
in that Masonic graveyard.
Sonic graveyard, yeah.
Those gravestones
appear to form a pattern.
We gotta get up high. You always
gotta get up high for these things.
Ah, I think we can see it from here.
Is thinking a sidekick's job or?
Bingo, boingo, that's a spicy meat-a-ball!
I like it, but, yeah, I don't know
if you can make those jokes anymore.
Now, how can we get north?
Why am I on the bottom?!
- It's in order of importance.
- Can we just look at the shape?!
Well, it looks like a stick man,
but his head got cut off,
and he doesn't have any legs or shoes.
Sounds like you're describing
an arrow, sir.
Exactly.
To the truck!
Ah, man!
There's a Frisbee on that roof.
Braun, jump!
It's all in here.
Every backroom deal,
all five Kennedy assassinations.
Aliens are real.
I did know that.
To me, you're the alien.
1988. The first time I threw my hat
in the ring to be prezzo.
We need someone with experience.
Someone who can get things done.
Someone like George Bush.
Of course, sir. I'll wait my turn.
We need someone with no experience.
Someone who can't get anything done.
Someone like George Bush.
Of course, sir. I'll wait my turn.
God, when's he gonna get the hint?
We need someone.
Someone like Jeb Bush.
Of course, sir. I'll wait my turn.
That old hick
can't win a national election.
Who'd want to get a beer with him?
People just don't like LaMarr.
And I don't blame them.
He's creepy.
What a loser.
I'd never get a beer with him!
Oh!
I remember that look
from my human emotions flashcards.
You just learned that everybody
you respected secretly despised you.
Now you're mad at something green.
Now you're amazed by the specificity
of someone's flashcards.
Not sure why that was a sidekick job.
Seems like the hero is the one
who climbs into wells.
I would've, but what if there were snakes?
I could've scared them.
Well, there were snakes, so good call.
So, Farrah, you find anything
in George Washington's well?
Just this old tankard.
A Revolutionary-era beer stein?
Whom did this belong to?
Are there any brewer Patriots?
Sam Adams! That's on the bottle!
But why hide it near this right-hand turn?
I mean, Adams was right-handed.
No, he wasn't. On the bottle,
he's holding a beer with his left hand.
Is Is that Huh.
Well, uh
I think what Simon is trying to say
is that what you can't see on the bottle
is that he also has a beer
in his right hand, so
He's double-fisting!
Because he's from Boston,
and he's awesome.
So he is right-handed.
And we're turning right, sidekick.
Right on, boss.
Okay. B-minus, but I like the energy.
Man, this is going good.
To be honest, I wasn't sure
you guys should come with me,
'cause I'm kind of a lone woof.
Did you say "woof"?
Yeah, like one doggie bark, you know?
All alone. Where's his friends?
That's me because I don't always love
What's it called?
When a bunch of people work together?
Pretty sure there's, like, an "I" in it.
A Troika?
I think the word
you're looking for is "team."
Didn't you play baseball?
Yeah, and my teammates were the worst.
A bunch of grade-A liquid farts.
This one game, we were one hit away
from winning
the Lobster Pot League World Series
Brought to you
by the Christmas Tree Stores
against the hated Nashua Land Clams
The what?
and my freakin' manager
signals bunt.
I had the pitcher's number.
I knew when the heat was coming.
I wasn't about to bunt
with Maddie Madigan in the stands.
I'd just gotten the DNA test back,
and we weren't related, so it was on.
Bunt, cocksucka!
I'll kiss you on the mouth!
That's against hooker rules.
Aw.
Game over! Sea Pigs lose!
Boo!
No, put me down!
I don't need your help!
I can do it myself!
If they'd just listened to me,
we would have won,
and we would have been
the guests of honor at that amusement park
and died in that roller coaster explosion.
And I would have gone home
with Maddie Madigan
instead of walking in on her
with a Land Clam.
Right, that's the takeaway.
Everyone else was a bad teammate.
But this works. Why?
'Cause finally, Matty's calling the shots.
Um, sir? Looks like
the bridge up ahead is collapsed.
Team decision! We're jumping it!
No!
Oh no!
This is the solarium,
which is just a fancy word
for soul aquarium.
Mr. LaMarr, uh, you remember King Jeremy.
He's just taking Matty's place.
On the tour, that's all.
I'm only here to help with the tour.
Nothing more and absolutely nothing less.
And you all must be our young visitors.
You know, you kids
are our greatest natural resource,
because someday, you'll turn into oil.
Mr. LaMarr is the vice president.
But you're way older than the other dude.
Why aren't you president?
Well, I could've been.
I mean, I'm plenty likable.
You all can see me
as the president, right?
Mmm, maybe the president's dad.
That's what he looks like.
No, dads are lame.
Boo parents.
See, youngsters I mean, dudes, I'm cool.
Everyone wants to have a beer with me.
You You kids like TV?
I was on C-SPAN's
first and last reality show.
I'm Cartwright LaMarr,
and I don't know how this part works.
You know, I won season 38 of Love Island
because everyone else was in the pool
during the lightning storm.
Say, how'd you kids
like to see something kooky?
Something they won't show you.
We made it.
This has gotta be it.
"When the road ends,
you'll be happy as an orange
because this building
is the treasure storage."
Boy, those, uh, Freemasons
sure painted themselves
into a corner there with "orange."
Well, maybe they were pressed for time
and writing in pen, Farrah.
Let's not get hung up
on the really bad rhymes.
They still got us to the treasure.
Good work, team,
led by me, Matty.
Your leadership
was the real treasure, boss.
Fine line between side-kicking
and just kissing ass, Braun.
You gotta ask yourself,
"What would Bartha do?"
Beltsville?
Where have I heard that before?
Gentlebirds, this is our target.
The Beltsville seed vault.
Braun's seed thing? She
Oh! Those grade-A liquid farts!
You tadpoles like slime
and gross stuff, right?
Well, feast your eyes on this freak show.
Now do you think I'm schmezzo?
Uh, it's an alien.
I see them in my nightmares,
like, every night.
Well, but isn't he weird?
I mean, look, he's got too many arms,
and a a big pointy butt,
and his his legs are all herbity-jerbity
like a haunted old tree.
Hey, I'm not weird-looking.
When I was a teenager,
a guy at the mall
asked me if I wanted to be a model.
Yeah, don't body-shame him!
You know, people only bully
because of their own insecurities.
I am, too, likable!
I'll have you know there's a photograph
in my office of me and Patricia Heaton.
- Huh?
- Um, who's that?
Lucy, I must confess,
when I came over,
I knew Matty wasn't around,
and I was hoping we could talk.
Um, okay. What do you wanna talk about?
Talking? It's what
separates us from babies.
I want to talk about us.
You can't deny we're great together,
like gin and breakfast.
Look, Jeremy, you're tall and fancy
and kind to animals.
Any one of them could be a prince.
But I can't be with you.
Because of Matty?
He couldn't even be bothered
to show up for your troubled teens,
and look at how troubled they are.
It's not Matty.
If I tell you something,
do you promise not to tell anyone?
Of course.
Over the years,
I have learned to say nothing
because the music in nightclubs
is so loud.
Me and Matty
we're not really together.
He just wants a pretty First Lady,
and I wanna be First Lady so I can try
to make the world a better place.
But you can do that as queen.
Just think of the ships
that need christening.
Right now, they're all going to hell.
But I can't do that to America.
I don't think the country's in a place
where it could handle getting dumped.
Something to remember me by,
thanks to a quite savage
vitamin D deficiency.
Kerchong, kerchong.
That's how we say
conk-a-choo, conk-a-choo on Cardi-B.
Axatrax, as a gentleman,
I suppose I owe you an apology
for calling attention to your body's
unholy mockery of human-shaped God.
You had a tough day.
If you're anything like me,
you probably just want to spin a cocoon,
fill it with urine, and have a soak.
I just can't believe my colleagues,
folks I considered friends,
thought I was about as good
as supermarket bagels.
I mean, uh, sassagrassa stew.
I can sympathize.
When my fellow Cardibeans back home
realize I failed to conquer a planet
full of Stone Age goo sacks,
well, I will be in the doghouse.
It is not really a house. It is a cage.
And it is not really dogs.
It's closer to, uh How do I put this?
A A laser alligator.
Count yourself lucky.
At least all the people
who don't like you are dead.
Oh yes, they are definitely dead.
And you're very welcome for that.
Hey, I'm out of flamethrower juice,
and I still got a Bieber left,
so we're gonna run it over with the truck.
Is the president back from Maryland?
No, he w
Wait, the president went to Maryland?
Dr. Braun and her husband, I think,
were trying to get him
to go get seeds in, uh, Pantsville.
Or Belttown?
Beltsville!
Great googly moogly!
Wow.
How stupid do you think I am?
Uh
You were tricking me.
For seeds!
Is that what you were gonna tell me
the treasure was? Seeds?
The plan was to have you find this.
"Congratulations."
"You have found the national treasure."
"It's you, the American voter."
"Love, George Washington."
God, it happened to me again.
I got stuck with bad teammates.
Oh my God!
That story is not about
how everyone else was a bad teammate.
You're the bad teammate!
How? You lied to me!
Yeah, I I didn't want to.
Just like I didn't want
to climb into a giant toilet
or be the bottom of a human totem pole.
Cultural appropriation.
I have the high ground now.
I desecrated a cemetery
where my aunt is buried!
Also, yelling makes me uncomfortable,
so I'm just gonna say
you look good in my hat.
But we had to trick you
because you won't bunt.
You only ever do what you wanna do.
You don't give a crap
about the greater good.
Your team lost because of you.
Cool pants. Where'd you get them?
And guess what?
This is all a test,
and there really is a treasure?
You're not gonna get the girl
this time either.
Lucy doesn't care about gold.
All she cares about
is if you're a good person,
and you're just not.
Well, I guess I don't need these anymore.
No throwing!
What the
I think there's a door here.
And we found it
with Ben Franklin's glasses!
This will do very nicely.
Where'd that come from?
I don't know. I'm a heavy napper.
That's why it's in my will to be buried
with a sandwich, just in case.
Hmm.
"Follow the money."
Ooh!
Huh.
Mr. Zhao, about our conversation earlier.
Ooh, spill the beans.
I love crawling around
slurping beans up off the ground. Mmm!
Well, you didn't hear it from me,
but the president
and the First Lady's relationship
is a sham,
and I don't mean a fancy pillowcase.
I hope not.
That'd be weird but not really a story.
If the national treasure's real,
I'm gonna be so annoyed.
That thing I said earlier
about snakes being afraid of me is, um
It's It's only true
for some snakes.
Before you do that
- Oh God!
- Vertical snake!
allow me to explain.
Dr. Levine ♪
She's on the scene
And doing it her way ♪
Doing the job, dating some guys ♪
And then it's girls' night ♪
Shopping for shoes, being the boss ♪
I think this show takes place
In the '90s ♪
How could someone
Who's so good at teeth ♪
Be so unlucky in love? ♪
I'm not sure that tracks ♪
It was a network note
And we caved when push came to shove ♪
At work she fills your cavities ♪
And does routine prophylaxis ♪
But her dating life's a tragedy ♪
When it isn't flat-out madness ♪
Dr. Levine ♪
Living the dream
She's having it all ♪
- She doesn't have to choose ♪
- Doesn't have to choose ♪
- She knows that she can't lose ♪
- She knows that she can't lose ♪
She's Dr. Levine ♪
And she has it all ♪