S#*! My Dad Says s01e08 Episode Script

Hey, check out this ad.
They're opening a new waterpark in Carlsbad.
- That sounds like fun.
- You go ahead.
I'd rather not be shut out of the tube into a pool of water filled with a bunch of 9 year old urine.
You just described every one of my childhood baths with my brother.
Morning.
Tim, wouldn't you like to go to the new water park in carlsbad? You mean urine world? No, thank you.
Okay, Mr.
G.
I'll put your bills on your desk, and here are your magazines.
American Gun.
American Ammunition.
American Gun and Ammunition.
This one's just called America.
When you've finished your breakfast, go make your bed and pick up your clothes.
We have a houseguest coming.
Who's the houseguest? My best friend.
Wally Durham.
You told me last week that silence was your best friend.
I said silence was my lover.
Wally was my commanding officer, and Saturday is the 40th reunion of our tour of duty in 'Nam.
You know, my old boyfriend and I took a bike tour of Vietnam two years ago.
Beautiful country.
Very gay friendly.
I was a medic on a ship there.
Mostly treated people for the clap.
Very clap friendly.
Anyway, about ten of us are meeting here for a cocktail party Saturday night.
You gotta make yourself scarce.
Whoa.
Why can't I come? It'd be cool to hang out with some of your buddies from the war.
Henry.
This event is for men, and although you look like a man, actually you're a boy in a very hairy man's costume.
And who do I have to thank for this genetic misfortune? Your mother.
Do you really want to spend time with ten men that are exactly like your father, telling stories about hookers, diseases, and things that they shot Oftentimes all three in the same story? Of course not.
Tim, would you like to meet the fellas? Mr.
G, I wouldn't miss it for the world.
Anchors aweigh Farewell to college joys we sail at break of day-ay-ay-ay Hey, where did you learn that tune? The choral group that I'm in is rehearsing that song for a concert.
We're doing a theme night.
Is it a Navy theme? Gay theme.
Well, either way, you've got a set of pipes on you, man.
So tell me about this Wally.
It's so interesting to me that you have a friend A friend who what? That was the end of the thought.
Hey, Wally's a riot.
We served three years together, and I don't think I took one shower without him trying to hide my pants.
And he'd wake me up every morning by sticking his junk in my ear.
Wow, the Navy sounds a lot like my gym.
Well, Wally is more than just a guy who sticks his schmeckel in your ear.
He's a gentleman.
Holy crap, Ed Goodson.
Look at you.
Looks like an elephant took a dump in a fishing vest.
Wally Durham.
You had any more wrinkles, you'd be your wife's neck.
You know Louise died three years ago.
That's the joke.
How you doing, Wally? Hey kid, get in here before your old man keels over.
What did you pack in this thing? Your wife? Hey! His wife died three years ago.
Watch your mouth.
Aw, the bag's not that heavy.
You were right, the kid's softer than Bob Dole getting out of a cold bath.
You were so nice to me on the ride home from the airport.
Didn't have an audience.
Ah, who's the apron? Oh, this is Tim.
He's like a son, only his mother hasn't sued me for alimony.
Tim watch out, he's gonna zing you.
Wally Durham.
Good to meet you.
That's it? You're not gonna make fun of me? Nah, why take a job away from your mirror? Whoa.
Who's this stack of tires? You remember my other son, Vince? Oh, this is Vince.
For a second I thought they'd figured out how to put humpty-dumpty back together.
Come on, Vince.
Be a man, give it back to him.
UmI hate you? - Henry, you ready to go? - Go where? Dad says you're staying with me and Bonnie this weekend.
Yeah, Wally's gonna take your room.
I took the liberty of putting your stuff in a trash bag outside.
There was no trash bag outside.
Oh, that's right.
It's trash day.
I can't believe he kicked me out of the house.
Out of my own bed.
- Ah! We have a pull -Out couch.
You see? So we just gotta just Hold on a second.
- Come on, you bastard.
- Vince.
- Just a sec.
Mother -Father! Vince.
Vince! Not a pull-out.
So it's not.
So it's not.
That's interesting.
'Cause that's what my spine was telling me.
Tell you what.
You just grab whatever you want out of the kitchen.
I'm gonna go down to the car and scrounge around for the receipt of what I thought was a pull-out couch.
Okay.
Vince, when are you gonna get Henry? 'Cause I was hoping you could stop by the store for a couple of things.
Whoa.
Aah! I'm naked! Yeah.
I see.
Aah! Your dad and I were just reminiscing about basic training in Louisiana.
Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba! Wally.
Have a seat.
Anyway, we're in the swamps, and I catch this water snake, and I hide it in Ed's combat boots.
See, and I have no idea, so I put the boots on, and that sucker went nutso, pumped me full of venom.
Yeah, the bastard bit him 17 times.
Yeah, I was legally dead for three minutes.
- Ah, good times.
- The good old days, yeah.
Oh, sorry.
You can have that one.
Okay.
It looks like someone is going to have to address the elephant in the room here.
I'll do it.
How's it going, Vince? I'm talking about how crazy awkward it is between me and Henry right now.
Why is it awkward? Because you saw me naked yesterday, Henry.
And I know it's confusing, because I'm your sister-in-law, but I'm also an attractive woman, you know, who's Who's got it goin' on.
So that is why he's acting just so super strange.
I don't think I'm acting super strange.
Uh, babe, it's 1:00, if we're gonna make that open house we'd better go now.
What house is open? The international house of pancakes? YeahI hope.
On your grave.
Jeez, that guy's three sandwiches short of a picnic.
Because he ate 'em! Hey, that's my brother.
You got something to say, pixie straw? Yeah, you're damn right I do.
You guys good with coffee, oj, anything? Fresh berries and cream.
Berries and cream? What do I look like, the queen of england? No, but I imagine your jewels are just as old and jangly.
That's it.
This guy knows how to dish it out.
Word of advice, though.
Don't tell a gal you're a maid or her legs will close faster than a Mel Gibson movie in Israel.
If you think that'll close her legs, wait until she finds out I'm gay.
Tim, you just can't toss him a softball like that.
Come on, Wally.
Let's hear it.
- Nah.
- What, nothing? The only words I've ever heard render you speechless were, "ladies and gentlemen, president-elect Obama.
" Yeah, well I got nothing to say.
Really? All right, we'll save it for later.
But, Wally, you should hear this guy sing.
His pipes are unbelievable.
I should get going, I've got choir practice No, no, no.
You're not going anywhere.
Come on.
Anchors Aweigh, three-part harmony.
I'm not singing.
- But you love that song.
- Not today.
What's the matter, you embarrassed? I'm not gonna sing with this guy, all right? I don't care what he does behind closed doors, but I am not singing that song with this guy.
Do you have a problem, Wally? I'm not the one with the problem.
Oh, I think you are.
- All right, settle down.
- No, I won't settle down.
Did you hear what he just said? Yeah, he's just busting your balls.
That's what he does.
Oh, is that what you think he's doing? Yeah, of course.
I've known this guy for 50 years.
What the hell are you doing? You're overreacting.
Oh, you think that's overreacting? Huh.
Then how's this for overreacting.
I quit.
Why'd he quit his job? A job is like a woman.
You find one that's easy, you hang on to it until you can't stand it anymore.
Or until it gives you crabs because it banged some bartender on spring break.
Wally says nasty things, that's what he does.
He's a little salty.
He's a little jackass-y.
Wally's a stand-up guy.
Tim is too sensitive.
You can't ask for a hug every time life sits on your nuts.
We rib each other all the time in the Navy.
That's what men do.
Well, Tim stood up for himself.
And in my book, that's what real men do.
If you want Tim back, you have to apologize.
That's what a man would do.
Now, this man has to go back to his brother's house.
Hey, man.
You forgot your lactaid.
Ooh.
Henry? We need to talk.
Oh, boy.
You want me to help you kill Wally, don't you? No, no.
That's something I need to do alone.
You saw my wife naked, and acted inappropriately.
How did I act inappropriately? I mean, I told her it was no big deal.
Exactly.
It needs to be a big deal.
She puts a lot of effort into looking good.
You not acknowledging that was very hurtful.
- She told you that? - No, she doesn't have to.
I'm her husband, okay? I know the way she thinks.
You have to fix it.
So what do you want me to do, Vince? Tell her how hot she looked when I accidentally saw her naked? Come on, Henry.
Don't be ridiculous.
Okay, good.
That's what I thought.
No, you need to see her naked again, and then tell her she looks hot.
Otherwise, it'll just sound phony.
Vince, it's my sister-in-law.
It's your wife.
Whose naked body you need to ogle and tell her she looks hot.
You don't think it's weird that you're asking me to stare at your wife's naked body? Oh, come on, Henry.
Just look at my wife naked.
Please? Just this once, for me.
- Nope, too weird.
- Cool.
- I'll give you $50.
- Still too weird.
Is it still too weird for $100? Just weird enough.
Sorry, we're closed.
Ed? What are you doing here? Tim, I get why you quit.
I mean, Wally can be a bit of a ballbuster.
But if you want to get back to work, he'll be gone in a couple of days and I'll take you back.
I can't promise the same health plan.
Your health plan was saying, "be careful.
" And I didn't quit because of what Wally said.
Well, why did you quit? Oh, no, you found the trunk under the house.
What? What trunk? Nothing.
Don't look under the house.
Ed, you have to leave, okay? I have something going on here.
Really? Is it a gay thing? Not everything I'm involved with is a gay thing.
Okay, choir, we only have We only have 10 minutes to work on YMCA until the dinner crowd gets here, and then you ladies gotta skadootch.
Bad timing, Lawrence.
Oh, hey, Ed, can you help us out here? Marco, the guy who usually plays the "y" in YMCA is a no-show.
No, I'm trying to get Tim to take his job back.
I don't want my job back.
I'm perfectly happy working here, cleaning tables and marrying ketchups.
How sad is that, Ed? We live in a country where Tim can marry ketchups but he can't marry me.
Lawrence, even if I could marry you, I wouldn't.
We're roommates.
It's not gonna happen.
Oh, it'll happen.
Okay, boys.
Circle the wagons, come on.
Five and six and show those teeth.
young man, there's no need to feel down I said, young man I said I'm sorry about Wally.
I don't know what else to say.
- I'm not mad at Wally.
- You're not? Who are you mad at? - You! - Me? - It's fun to stay at the - Why? M.
C.
A.
I think you know.
It's fun to stay at the - Why? - M.
C.
A.
Because I expected that kind of talk from guys like Wally.
But you're different.
you can hang out with all the boys it's fun to stay at the - Why? - M.
C.
A.
- I think you know.
- I don't.
- Why? - M.
C.
A.
Look, Ed, he can make fun of me for anything else he wants, but I'm not willing to compromise who I am as a man.
This is off-limits.
- Why? - M.
C.
A.
What was that? I thought you were helping me out.
I don't read music.
What do I know? Just take a break, okay? Get yourself clean, have a good meal, do whatever you feel.
Why are you mad at me? I didn't say anything.
That's exactly why I'm mad at you.
Because you didn't say anything.
Tim, I have no problem with your lifestyle.
I love your lifestyle.
Among other things, you always smell terrific.
Ed, this isn't a lifestyle.
It's who I am.
It's like the color of my eyes.
I can't change them.
Are your eyes naturally that blue? Well, these are color contacts.
My eyes are like a swampy brown, they're gross.
But everything else.
What about the color of your hair, and the fact that your forehead never wrinkles? It's hard to believe that you're not gay.
You miss nothing.
Well, what do you want me to do? You know I don't agree with him.
Ed, if you disagree with what your friend Wally said, you should say something.
Otherwise, your silence makes it seem like you agree with him.
Silence is my lover.
Well, I think it's time you two should break up.
She's just finishing up her shower.
Are you ready? I gotta tell you, I feel so uncomfortable about this.
I just want you to look at my wife's wet, naked body, and compliment her.
Stop trying to make this into something weird.
Oh, my bad.
- Okay, are you ready? - I don't think so.
Aah! Oh, my God! Bonnie, get out here! What is it, honey? What Are you hurt? Is there something Aah! Who was yelling out there? That was me.
I saw a spider.
So you just screamed? Yeah, it had a knife.
Uh By the way, you look great.
Excuse me? When you came out here before and you were naked Good job.
Really? Yeah, you have an amazing body.
You really got it goin' on.
Henry, that is the creepiest thing I have ever heard.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, I just I am your sister-in-law.
We are related.
What in God's name would make you think it's okay to comment on my naked body? Hey, guys.
What's going on? Henry just saw me naked and then started complimenting me.
Oh, he did? It was creepy.
How dare you? That's your sister-in-law! I mean, that is my wife! What kind of weirdo does that? You know what, man? I thought I knew you.
Weirdo.
Seriously, Henry.
Grow up.
But Vince was the one that You heard her, Henry! All right? Grow up! Grow up, Henry! All right.
Vince, I'm gonna go finish getting ready for work.
Try to keep this guy out of my bathroom, okay? - Please.
- Okay.
Sure read that wrong, huh? You think? I have never been in such a situation.
I had to use my fists to get people aside, so I could see the daylight.
And I will never, ever, set foot in Walmart again.
Oh, commander Ripplinger, I gotta tell you, it's an honor to spend time under you.
Too bad your wife can't say the same.
Did I ever tell you my Walmart story? Three times, sir.
Come on in.
Thanks, Mr.
G.
We'll set up over there.
Hey, I have that same uniform.
Only mine's assless.
Fall in, gentlemen.
What the hell's going on here, Goods? Oh! Oh, I get it.
Good one! No, it's no joke.
I asked Tim and the choir to be our entertainment.
Are you kidding? This isn't some pride parade, it's a Navy function.
I didn't fight in a war to hang around with guys like this.
Wally, you're my friend.
I love you.
You saved my life.
Going into battle, there's no one I'd rather pop their schmeckel in my ear.
But I can't let you talk like that about a friend of mine.
My, you've really changed, Goodson.
No, I haven't changed.
I still load my shotgun one shell at a time like everybody else, but I realized I can't be silent when guys like you aren't.
Ed, come on.
I mean, you look me in the eye and tell me that's normal.
I mean, look at the way they dress.
Look at the way we dress.
Wally, if you're going to talk like that in my house, I'm going to have to ask you to leave.
Are you actually kicking me out of your house? It's your choice, Wally.
But I'm paying $5 an hour to this choir, and I'm not going have them standing around just looking pretty.
Let's make some music.
Okay.
Loud and proud, guys.
That's my guy.
Pretty cute, huh? Have you ever been in Walmart? Anchors aweigh, my boys anchors aweigh farewell to college joys we sail at break of day-ay-ay-ay through our last night ashore drink to the foam until we meet once more here's wishing you a happy voyage home