My Family (2000) s01e08 Episode Script

Well, congratulations.
You've managed to break the world record for cavities.
- Oh, dear.
- Save "Oh, dear" for the bill.
Brigitte! Oh, lovely.
New hat? - My feet are killing me.
- From lack of use.
A hand, please.
I read that improving your posture takes the stress off your feet.
So does lying in the gutter after you've been fired.
She is right.
West African women carry up to 80kg on their head and never need orthopaedic shoes.
Don't encourage her.
Ever, thank you.
- Is he an anthropologist? - No.
Foot fetishist.
Oh.
Do you know where I can get a bargain on extra-wide Capezio tap shoes? This is a dental surgery, not Dolcis.
Don't mind him.
He's been tense all morning.
No, I've been extremely tense since you applied for this job.
Coincidence? Note how the veins are throbbing in his head? See? Right there.
That's stress.
See? Right there.
That's door.
Go through.
Goodbye.
Mum, I'm trying to win concert tickets.
Am I the only one who tidies up around here? - I think so.
- Janey, help me, please.
In order to win, I've got to be caller number five.
- The rules are strict.
- So are the house rules.
Help out or you win no radio for a month.
I've got a one in 30,000 chance here.
You could win a whole media blackout.
No radio, TV, video.
Dee, look, I've got to go.
Mum's gone mad cow.
Bye.
- Thank you.
Right - Why do I have to help clean? - Nick never does.
- I do other special things.
Yes.
And I don't have time to clean those up as well.
So I just have to act incompetent and I can skive off, too? - Look at him, dear.
That's not acting.
- Thanks.
- It's sexist.
- It's not that men do nothing.
It's that women do too much.
Besides, you enjoy cleaning.
Crossed the line there, didn't I? Why don't I start over here? - Janey, dust the piano, please.
- What do I get for helping? - My undying gratitude.
- It's a lose-lose situation.
- What are these doing here? - I was looking for those.
It may surprise you to know that the living room is not your laundry basket.
Yeah? What room is? Did you happen to find my underpants? Nick! (Running upstairs) - (Door slams) - Sorry.
I fell asleep on the couch last night watching TV.
- In the nude? - I had my socks on.
You get more and more like your father every day.
What's this? It's not what you think it is.
- It's Viagra.
- OK, it is what you think it is.
But it's not what you think it's for.
- What is it for? - OK, it is what you think it's for.
- So who's the lucky girl? - They're all lucky, Mum.
Have you quite finished doing your lunar-whatever-it-is? It's a yoga position.
I wish you'd try it.
I'm saluting the moon.
So am I.
You can mock but I love the way it makes me feel.
Does it take your mind off cigarettes? It did.
Hello.
What are you doing? - Taking the TV to my room.
- Why? To watch telly somewhere comfortable.
Have you thought about Tonga? Why don't you knock before you come into a room? I didn't want to disturb you.
Nick, put our television back.
OK? OK.
- Nick.
- Get out.
Do this, do that.
Sometimes you make me feel like a complete prat.
- I think we're getting through to him.
- Yeah.
Why did we have him? I don't know.
I was asleep.
You'll never guess what I found in his pocket.
- Certainly not a payslip.
- Here.
What? Viagra? You know Nick.
He doesn't like to work at anything.
Kids today.
If they're not taking our tellies, they're nicking our drugs.
- I told him I'd throw it out.
- Good idea.
The last thing Nick's hormones need is a turbo boost.
Aren't you curious to see how it works? Huh? - No, not really.
- Me neither.
Although, as parents, we owe it to our children to make sure what they're doing is safe.
Are you suggesting that I take it? Come on.
Where's your sense of adventure? At the moment, tending to my bruised ego.
I had no idea it was such a touchy subject.
(Stammers) Excuse me.
I do not need any help in that department, thank you very much.
- I don't, do I? - I never meant to suggest that you did.
Good.
You're not just trying to protect my feelings? Why would I want to do that? You're satisfied, aren't you? - Completely.
- Yeah.
Well, good night, dear.
I mean Cos last time, I had cramp in my foot.
- It was lovely.
- I'm just saying that, erm you know, I wasn't kind of full strength.
- Duly noted.
- OK.
What do you mean, lovely? Sounds like a trip to Granny's.
"Oh, it was lovely.
" All right.
It was powerful.
It reeked masculinity.
It was so potently virile I could hardly walk.
OK? OK.
Hey.
Want another go? Honestly, Ben, you don't have to prove anything to me.
Get ready for the time of your life.
If you're up to it.
Where are you going? To slip into something less comfortable and more sexy.
Yes.
Ooh, Harper, yes, yes, yes.
This is it, Harper.
World Cup final.
It's one-all and it's down to the golden goal.
Oh, yes.
Harper towers above the defence.
Yes, and boom! It's in! It's in! Yes, it's a goal! It's a goal! There's people on the pitch.
They think it's all over.
It is now.
Just in case we go into extra time.
Ooh, sexy.
Ben.
Oh, my God.
You're as white as a sheet.
Susan.
I don't need that, please.
It's something I probably ate.
Well, Mr Harper.
You'll be happy to know that it wasn't a heart attack.
I never thought it was.
Then why were you weeping and saying you loved the children? Because you drove through three red lights.
One explanation for your dizziness and blurred vision is that you have a classic case of hypertension.
Have you been under stress? We've both recently given up cigarettes.
Of course, I channel my tension through exercise.
- He keeps his bottled up.
- I don't keep mine bottled up.
Have you taken any medication? Depends on how you define medication.
Anything that should be prescribed by a doctor.
For me or, let's say, for anybody? Are you hiding anything from me, Mr Harper? I, erm Between you and me, I may have taken a (Mouths) A what? Viagra.
So it was something you ate! You needn't be ashamed of taking Viagra, Mr Harper.
- A lot of men your age are using it.
- No, no, no.
It has nothing to do with age.
I was under pressure.
Yes, competing with a 20-year-old in your head.
Why are you laughing? It was all your idea.
- How long have you been on it? - No, it was a one-off.
Not even! I sincerely doubt that your problem was caused by the Viagra.
It's more likely due to the food you eat and a high level of stress.
Yes, in our house, the food we eat is the source of stress.
How's the patient this morning? He'd be much better if you'd stop calling him "the patient".
- Were you scared? - No.
- Did you see a bright light? - No.
- Can I have money for concert tickets? - No.
- Ah, sausages.
- No.
We must bring down your cholesterol level.
I like my cholesterol where it is.
Cholesterol makes your heart work twice as hard.
That's what's good for you.
People spend money at gyms to give their hearts a workout.
I can do that on sausages and a plate full of runny eggs.
- What is this? - What do you think? Oh, really? Thank you.
- You're going to be a child about this? - Yes.
Because a child gets sausages.
- What's that? - A tofu smoothie.
It's part of the doctor's low-salt diet.
What sort of diet is this? I feel like a prisoner allowed bread and water.
- You can't have bread.
- Susan, stop it.
I didn't have a heart attack or a stroke so leave me alone.
- Stop making a big deal out of nothing.
- OK.
I mean, you know It could have been a heart attack.
Or a stroke.
But they act as if nothing had happened.
But you told them to leave you alone.
I've been saying that for years.
Why should they listen now? Would you like to know what Dave has to say? - Dave? Who's Dave? - He's my guru.
- You have a guru called Dave? - He's a part-time guru.
The rest of the time he's a roofer.
So what are Baba Dave's words of wisdom? "Call it cash, mate, forget about the VAT"? He had a near-death experience and it changed his life.
- Yeah? - He wrote a book about it.
Oh.
"Live For Today, Because Tomorrow You Might Fall Off A Roof.
" "The collected wisdom of Dave Quinn, "a roofer who fell off a roof.
" He wrote it after he fell off a roof.
Yeah, I'm getting the picture.
Your next patient's in half an hour.
I'll leave it with you.
Are you insane? Fine.
If you're genuinely happy with who you are.
I'm very happy with who I am.
I'm ecstatic about who I am.
It's who everyone else is that depresses me.
(Woman) Breathe in deeply.
- And find your centre.
- (Phone) With every breath, you should feel yourself drifting further from the strains of modern life.
(Phone) Well, I don't.
Doreen, your phone.
Ignore it, Susan.
Just let it go.
(Rings) - (Ringing continues) - I can't.
A ringing phone is like an unopened present.
Then focus on the gift you have inside.
Now concentrate on your breaths coming from deep within.
(Ringing continues) Can't you just leave things be? You can't control the universe.
I'm not trying to control the universe.
Just planet earth.
Serenity Studio, your path to inner peace.
You've got a nerve calling me.
Did your whore throw you out? Deep breaths, everyone.
Let the universe fill your soul with positive energy.
You think so? Then I'll rip out your chakra and eat it for supper, you miserable pig.
Pig! Pig! Pig! Pig! Pig! Right.
So, back to our breathing, everyone.
Susan, thank you for the gift.
- What's for dinner? - I'm not sure yet.
It's either souffle or bouillabaisse.
- Time will tell.
- Yeah, well, there's no rush.
It's not easy cooking for five night after night.
You deserve a break.
Shall we just order takeaway? Please.
Fine.
If you pay for it.
What's this? "D D" Oh, yeah.
Someone rang but by the time I found a pencil I couldn't remember her name.
- What did she say? - I don't know.
- She cried a lot.
- Oh, Doreen.
My yoga teacher.
Poor thing.
While she was becoming one with the universe her husband was becoming one with a manager from Croydon.
- That's terrible! - Croydon ain't that bad.
No.
Why are older men always going after younger women? I don't know.
Maybe it's cos they're younger.
And if older women only wanted younger men? Great! Either way, I win.
As a result of an unfortunate phone call, which in some odd way I precipitated, he's locked her out of her studio and I volunteered to let the class come here this weekend.
I'm singing in the rain, just singing in the rain What a glorious feeling, I'm Fit as a fiddle and ready for love I could jump over the moon up above Fit as a fiddle and ready for Hey, champ.
Anyone ever tell you you're a handsome devil? Ha! Bills, bills, I laugh in your face.
Dad's home! He's singing! Gotta dance, gotta dance, gotta dance - I'm scared.
- # You are my lucky stars # - Are you all right? - I couldn't have been better then I saw your beautiful face.
Gotta dance, gotta dance, gotta dance - These are for you, my darling.
- God, you're dying, aren't you? - Can I have your golf clubs? - I'm learning golf.
You don't even play.
- Resale value.
- You lovable little scamps.
Can't a man be happy to see his family without something being wrong? Hello, my honey, hello, my babies Here comes a brand-new dad I've finally seen the truth Without falling off a roof When your life is crappy, try to be happy Don't let it spoil your mood As long as you're in it, enjoy every minute Before we end up as worm food Do you do requests? You are so right, Dad.
It's about joy.
- So can I have money for tickets? - No! But you said we've got to be happy.
And I'm happy saying no to my fluffy little moonbeam.
Mm-hm.
Yes, oh yes.
This looks lovely.
Sure does, Dad.
Humour him.
- I'm not - We heard you singing.
But you're looking at the new Ben who's open to new experiences.
- What's this? - A new experience.
It's bleach-free, low-salt rice.
You like rice.
Yes, with chicken tikka masala.
Do you have any low-salt chicken tikka masala? You were thinking positive.
Compared to what I'm really thinking, that is positive.
Hello, Janey! Janey! Come out of those earphones! Come on! Join the family.
It's fun! You've got another family? So, what's a-happening, dude? I was trying to win Marilyn Manson tickets.
- Marilyn Manson.
She's great.
- It's a he.
Maybe it's the song.
What's that big hit of his? - Scabs, Guns And Peanut Butter.
- Maybe it's not the song either.
It's a different generation.
Don't even try.
I won't feel like an old fart because I don't like their stupid music.
Feel like one cos you've got hair in your ears.
Shut up.
You're used to sucking the joy out of everything like a roost of fledging vampires but you're not gonna bring me down.
So, Michael.
Michael.
Mikey What do you wanna do this weekend? Watch the Grand Prix with your dad? - Or we could go camping.
- Or watch a camping show on TV.
I think it's a good idea to get out of the house.
- My yoga group is meeting here.
- What? That's marvellous.
Fabulous.
Great.
Then we can watch it in the bedroom.
Or we could take the big telly to my room and watch it there.
Or just have the yoga class in Nick's room.
A bunch of sweaty babes in skimpy tights? I'm in.
- I'm the youngest in the group.
- I'm out.
It would do you some good to join the yoga class.
Susan, please, stop trying to change me.
- I'm trying to help you.
- How? By saying I'm old - and I've got hairy ears? - That was me.
It's not gonna work.
All of you.
I'm trying to be happy and I'm not gonna give in to this.
Life is short and I'm gonna enjoy it no matter how bloody miserable it is.
Well, children, Daddy's back.
How many grams of salt are in this whisky? I don't know.
Why? My wife has put me on a low-salt, low-taste, low-joy diet because apparently I'm stressed.
- How long have you known me? - About an hour.
- Do I look stressed to you? - A bit mercurial, perhaps.
I don't feel stressed.
I feel drunk but not stressed.
- Do you know what I want? - World peace? No, I want a cigarette.
Excuse me, mate.
Do you mind if I have one of your cigarettes? - Why don't you just go home? - To that harpy and her nest of vipers? No, thank you.
No, I am much safer here with my mate Ted.
(Glass shattering) (Laughs) Oh, my God! Heart attack! Don't worry, Dad.
I'm here for you.
Clear! Mouth-to-mouth.
I'm not dying, you idiot! I'm drunk! Hello, darling.
Now I'm dead.
- Oh Where's the aspirin? - Sleep well? I feel terrible.
I had nightmares of Nick kissing me.
I had nightmares of sleeping next to a belching, snorting soak.
- Oh, really? Did the kids see? - Oh, yes.
- Michael made a video.
- Oh, my God! I feel terrible.
Oh, I should be whipped.
But please, first, God, where's the aspirin? Quite a performance, Dad.
I might be scarred for life.
- But I can be bought.
- Live with the scars.
- I have aspirin.
- Oh, Janey.
Janey.
Janey.
Janey.
Janey, how many have you got? OK Aspirin for concert tickets.
- Fine.
Fine.
- Sign here.
- Thank you.
- No, come on.
Give.
Give.
- Oh - There you go.
So what was it like kissing Nick? - Don't touch my mini quiches.
- That's what the smell is.
They're for my yoga group.
- You can have carrot sticks.
- Oh, joy.
When I was lying on the floor with Nick's face before my eyes, I thought, "Harper, you've gotta change.
"No more drink.
No more junk food.
"As long as these people are coming over, why not try yoga?" - All I ask is that you try.
- I'll try.
And put the toilet seat down.
Hi, girls.
Come in, Doreen.
- Thanks.
You're a life-saver.
- Pleasure.
No, in, in.
- Hello.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Hello.
Thanks for last night.
It was nothing.
No, I I really mean it.
So, erm are you free tonight? Ben, this is Doreen.
Doreen, my husband Ben.
- Hi.
- You look like my ex-husband.
- Same cruel mouth.
- Ooh, the fun starts here.
Be nice.
She's in the middle of a nasty divorce.
Doreen, if it's all right, Ben will be joining us.
- Splendid.
Let's begin.
- (Celery crunches) - I can't believe he's gonna do it.
- Yeah.
You go, Dad.
- I'll give him five minutes.
- Two.
I'll have some of that.
Lend us a fiver, Mike.
So, now coming into tree pose.
We stand firm as our branches reach for the sun.
And hold the pose.
Very nice, Lesley.
Excellent, Irene.
- You call that a tree? - What? Raise those branches.
Stiffen your trunk.
That's what got me into this mess in the first place.
No talking.
Now ease down into the hissing cobra.
(Camply) Oh, hissing cobra.
Her favourite position.
Shh! - Oh, God! - Good! Excellent.
Lovely postures.
- Excellent, Susan.
Well done.
- Ooh, teacher's pet.
This isn't a competition loser.
Uh-oh.
- Down dog.
- Up yours.
Down dog is a yoga position.
Oh.
Sorry.
Oh, baby, you know what I like.
Couldn't they come up with less embarrassing poses? Yes, like drunk man with head down toilet.
Ah, couldn't keep away, could you? - Are you trying to be a dog? - Are you still trying to be a tree? You look tense.
- Yes.
I wonder why.
- Let's try to break through all that locked up stress.
- Your stress or mine? - Yours.
Did your husband walk out on you or was he running? Hobbling.
You see, typical male, totally inflexible.
Right.
I said I'd give it a try but actually, I quit.
Another man not willing to commit.
To what? Being miserable? I can do that on my own.
- Ben, your blood pressure.
- Turn yourself into knots and eat carrot sticks, but death is still out there waiting.
- We also have quiche.
- Don't apologise for me, Susan.
I've had enough.
No more improvements.
I've tried eating healthily, I've tried being happy.
I've even tried being a dog up a tree.
And what did I learn? Nothing.
Except that the crock at the end of the rainbow is not full of gold.
Excuse my husband.
He's about to go through a nasty divorce.
- Ben.
- You're not talking to me.
Don't be silly.
That chair can't be comfortable.
It's fine, actually.
This chair is perfectly fine.
- Come home.
- No.
- Have they all gone? - All except Doreen.
She got into the cooking sherry, did a moon salutation and passed out on the couch.
- Where's Nick gonna sleep? - I do feel sorry for her.
You wouldn't leave me for a younger woman, would you? Why? Do you know someone? - Budge up.
- Really? - Mm-hm.
- Oo-hoo.
Mm-hm.
Ooh, Doctor, do you treat all your patients this way? Only the ones I like.
Now, Mrs Harper this isn't going to hurt a bit.