Nero Wolfe (2001) s01e08 Episode Script

Orrie, could you tell me, please how many cards you want? Please? Four.
Thank you.
You sure? You don't want to just turn your whole hand in? No.
No.
Okay, just four.
Yeah, I testified after Hydecker had been cross-examined for six hours.
He was dead; professionally dead.
What'd they need Wolfe for? I thought you met with her.
No, no, Wolfe didn't testify.
I did.
I was needed for Exhibit C which was a brown silk necktie with little yellow, uh, curlicues.
That's what you're wearing a brown silk necktie with yellow curlicues.
Right there.
Boy, nothing gets by you, huh? So, uh what, the big genius gives you one just like it? Did you hear that one? Just like it.
It's a cross to bear for him, I'll tell you.
You know, to remind him of the dignity of man.
To remind him never to be a schlampick anymore.
Schlampick? Would you please tell me what a schlampick is? You want to know what a schlampick is? All right, I'll tell you what a schlampick is.
A schlampick is a guy who leaves a necktie on a desk for a woman to get murdered with.
That's a schlampick.
But it's never going to happen again.
Never, not on my watch.
Anyway, I'm glad I'm not going to be here tomorrow I'll tell you that.
Tomorrow? What's happening tomorrow? You'll read about it in the society pages.
You should've put your foot down, Archie.
From a security standpoint with all those enemies in New York just let people walk in? No, security is simple.
you just don't let anyone in who's not wearing pearls.
So there's two ties? Fritz Now, I respect your ability to conduct battlefield operations but do you really need to set up tonight? Because as you can see When he comes down in the morning it would be reassuring to present a an ordered front? You understand? I understand but I just, it's Fellas, I'm sorry but we're going to have to call this after this round.
We'll just yeah.
Right, Fritz? I will prepare sandwiches.
We have a wonderful ham.
Yeah, well, I won't be there.
What? Saul back me up on this.
I'm fine with the ham.
What is he, an anti-semite? Mr.
Cohen! I'm Swiss.
Okay.
Your coat? Yeah, I got you.
Go ahead.
Thank you for coming.
Thank you, thank you.
No, madam, I doubt you could grow a miltonia in your living room.
What's this? No, you don't want to rest your fur on the plant.
Archie More pleasant.
Smile.
If you could keep the fur off the plant.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
What is this? What is this? That's, uh lela lelia, yes.
May I answer any questions about anything? Uh, certainly not about orchids.
Not about orchids.
Cynthia.
He's free.
Excuse me.
Sure.
Excuse me.
This smile is going to freeze on my face.
Hey, I was just dreaming about you.
Could I have a drink? Rye? Scotch? Bourbon? Whiskey? Sure.
There you are.
Oh, thank you.
Sure.
Did I need that.
I'm a baboon.
I don't know how they ever taught me to talk.
My hands shake.
You do seem a little upset.
Oh my God, I'm in a fix now I'm one seared baboon.
I'm through being a crook.
When we're done with this mark, I'm I'm going to get a job at Macy's.
Or I'll marry a truck driver.
You're a crook? It doesn't show.
I just stood there staring at him, thinking I wouldn't have noticed him if he hadn't had a hat on.
And then he looked at me.
He saw it in my eyes.
What? Saw what? What are you? That I'd seen him That day at Doris's new apartment and the next day she was dead.
I- I just fell all to pieces.
Mrs.
Orwin out there, she asked she asked me what the matter was.
Uh, sorry.
Mrs.
Orwin, she is? What, the current mark? Are you working her with a partner? That's all finished now.
Oh, right, yeah, you gonna marry a truck driver or get a job at Macy's.
Anyway, this guy that scared you here today what does he have to do with your friend Doris? Was he her bank account or something like that? I don't know.
I never met him.
But he had a key and she wasn't expecting anyone so I mumbled something and left.
Her maid found her the next morning.
The paper said she'd been killed the day before.
That man killed her and I didn't open my mouth.
I was a lousy coward.
Cynthia Brown had only said "Doris" but with the context, that was enough.
At the time it happened, some six months ago the paper had given it a big play, of course.
Doris Hatter had been strangled with her own scarf with the Declaration of Independence printed on it.
The scarf had been left around her neck, knotted at the back.
The cops had never even gotten within a mile of a suspect and Pearly Stebbins told me that they had never even found out who was paying her rent.
Listen, there's one thing you haven't told me.
This guy you're talking about what's his name? I don't know.
I got to talk to Nero Wolfe.
Now, listen we're going to have to start here at the beginning.
Um, what's your name? I used Evelyn Carter in Paris once.
Ah, that's lovely.
What's your name now? Oh, for God's sake you gave your name at the door.
Cynthia Brown.
I have to talk to Nero Wolfe.
Well, you've got to talk to me first, see, because it Yes? Yes, you've disappeared.
This has become a nightmare.
Get up here immediately.
Listen, that was Mr.
Wolfe.
He needs me upstairs for protection.
Apparently, he didn't realize that there'd be women in the Manhattan Flower Club.
So look, I'll give him these these details.
Maybe he'll be interested.
Can you tell me what he looks like? Anything? I can't.
I have to wait and tell Wolfe.
It's not you.
I know you're all right.
Sure, as long as I'm buying drinks.
No no, this is the first time in years that I've talked to a man just just straight, you know human.
I've enjoyed it very much.
Well, I have, too, it's, uh Listen, you can call me Archie and I'll call you, uh, Evelyn Cynthia Carter Brown.
Now, you just stay calm and everything there's some more bourbon right there in the drawer and you just wait here, and I'll be right back.
I had by no means swallowed a single word of Cynthia's story but I was no longer interested in rushing the flower lovers home.
I found the three Cynthia had been with a female and two males over by the Odontoglossum bench.
Excuse me.
You're Mrs.
Orwin? Yes.
Yes, I'm Archie Goodwin.
I work here.
Uh, Miss Brown told me My sister.
I guess.
You are? Colonel Brown.
So it was a brother and sister act.
He wasn't a bad brother for her at all.
Aha.
Yeah.
Anyway, she sa she wasn't feeling well and that she went home.
I gave her a drink it made her feel better, but she went home.
You should've just handed her the bottle.
Perhaps you should go see about her, Colonel.
I don't think so, Mimi.
You heard the man.
She's quite healthy.
Calling that overweight pearl-and-mink proprietor "Mimi" must have been a strain even for an experienced con man I moved on.
At 5:30, the guests got the idea all at once that time was up.
I don't have a Geiger counter for crooks but I've had hunches and it would be something for my scrapbook if I picked the killer of Doris Hatten.
You there.
What do you call the color of these sepals? That would be yellow.
Oh, sorry about that, Chief.
Uh, listen, we're checking people out as well as in.
What's your name? Please give this gentleman your name.
Don't be ridiculous.
Tail? What happened? Nuts.
Saul! Saul, yeah, get by the front door and make sure nobody leaves, and make sure Dr.
Vollmer can come in! Right.
I want to go home! We have an appointment and these horrible men won't let us leave.
My name is Carlisle, Homer N.
Carlisle.
I'm executive vice president of North American Foods Company.
Now, my wife was acting merely on impulse.
She opened a door and entered.
Shut up, food man! Flower lovers! A distinguished group of sincere and devoted gardeners! Phooey! Saul! Yes, sir? Are you armed? Yes, sir.
Put these people in the front room, keep them there! Make sure no one touches anything around the door especially the knob.
Archie, is Vollmer here? Yes, sir.
Homer, they can't make us stay here, can they? This is unheard of! I won't put Come on, get going.
Oh, my God, he's got a gun! Oh, my God! Guns in here.
Nice and easy.
Let's go.
Oh, Homer! Strangling? Finger marks? No, a constricting band.
Something soft, like a strip of cloth.
Say, a scarf.
That could account for half the female guests here.
You notify the police? I need a word.
Private.
As a doctor called to the scene, I have to stay.
Go into the corner.
Cover your ears.
All right, look, I was here and she came in and she was either scared good or put on a very good act.
Now, you remember the Doris Hatten case? I do.
She saw the person who did the strangling.
She said he was here today and she wanted you to help get the guy.
But she was not my client! I realize you dislike complications and therefore probably want to scratch this whole thing, right? But she touched a soft spot by telling me she enjoyed my company and I prefer to be open to the cops.
You are feeling rancor? Uh, if I could remember what it meant, I'd feel it.
All right, call the police, then.
Tell them everything.
Confound it! Wolfe was pathetic.
There's only one spot on earth where he is ever completely comfortable but he couldn't sit there without seeing, smack in front of him the object on the floor.
This is Archie Goodwin calling.
Could you please send somebody over to Nero Wolfe's residence? Uh, we got a dead body over here.
No, I'm sorry sir, you cannot leave.
I cannot leave? No, Mr.
Wolfe's order Oh, my God Hey, you damn fool, if you'd gotten out Saul would've winged you.
Guilt.
The compression became unbearable and he exploded.
I've been watching him.
I'm a psychiatrist.
Oh, well, good for you.
Why don't you go back inside and watch the rest of them.
As a matter of fact, there's a wall mirror you can watch yourself.
Archie There you are.
If I am to stand by the door and attack people as they leave, how will he eat? Nuts! Company's coming, sent by the police.
Yes, I know, but I have to be in the kitchen.
Nuts! Excuse me, Fritz, I'm very sorry but I'm a little upset.
You see, I just strangled a young woman.
Nuts Well, I might as well have.
Hey, where are you going? Everybody back.
Come on, let's go! Everybody! Where's the body this time? In my opinion Inspector Cramer made a mistake.
Just like Wolfe, he heard my whole conversation with Cynthia Brown, word for word.
But Wolfe heard the fact, and Cramer didn't.
All Cramer heard was the name Doris Hatten.
As soon as he did, he got excited, ordered her file a background check on Colonel Brown and a rush on all the lab orders.
But that wasn't the mistake; that came later.
I would like to say something.
Go ahead.
My duties are to this household but I cannot help hearing what reaches my ears.
This disturbance is unnecessary! Many times Mr.
Wolfe has found answers that were too hard for you.
And now this has happened right in his house.
It should be left to him.
Wolfe tell you to say that? Oh, pay no attention, Fritz.
We still have plenty of ham left? Yes, sir.
Good.
Sandwiches, then! For us, for the guests in the front room but not for the police! The police shall receive no sandwiches! Yes, sir.
But the sweetbreads but it's a waste No, I know, it can't be helped.
There's nothing we can do.
You'll have to dispose of them.
Do you mind, Wolfe? I'm running an investigation! You are? Proceed! You, Panzer.
you checked the guest list.
How complete was it? It's complete.
And accurate.
219 people between 2:00 and 5:30 p.
m.
Not all at once, they came and went.
Yeah, and this woman, Mrs.
Carlisle she come screaming out of the office.
How come you didn't see her go in? I was watching Archie talking to a man.
Archie asked the man his name, the man stormed out.
It was Malcolm Vedder.
How did you know what his name was? I checked him in.
You saw him once.
I was working the door.
I did my job.
I don't believe you.
Mr.
Wolfe does.
Archie does.
Mr.
Cramer, by this time you should know that Mr.
Panzer is an exceptional man! You know what I think is exceptional? Goodwin's habit of talking to women in here who end up dead.
Stebbins, go get a man and pick up Vedder.
You got it.
Panzer, you stick around.
Ordinarily, Wolfe would be doing something quite different at this hour at this table.
The whole situation had allowed Cramer not just to claim a beachhead in the brownstone, but to completely invade it and Cramer knew it.
Goodwin's story I mean, the girl's story what do you think? Well, I doubt that she would've arranged for her murder just to corroborate her story.
And what do you know about the murder of Doris Hatten? Newspaper reports, what Mr.
Stebbins told Mr.
Goodwin casually.
And there's no doubt the girl was set up, we got that far.
But we never saw her bankroll going or coming.
Not enough to give a description.
The damn self-service elevators are worse than walk-ups for checking evidence.
If you're not interested, Wolfe, I'm talking to hear myself.
I am interested.
How many of the 219 were men? A little more than half.
I hate it.
I take it, Mr.
Cramer that what has occurred to me has not occurred to you? Naturally.
You're a genius.
It's something Mr.
Goodwin said.
I would like to consider it a little.
We could consider it together.
No, I have guests in the front room.
Let's dispose of them first.
Oh, by all means.
Let's attend to your "guests.
" And so we began to entertain the guests.
It was a parade straight out of an Agatha Christie novel.
Come on, come on! Cramer began alphabetically with a Colonel Brown.
I will answer any question you have with relation to what I've seen or heard here this afternoon.
Any other question, I'm sorry, Inspector I work homicide! Any other questions, I'm not interested.
I never thought my wish to see Nero Wolfe's globe would link me to such "Link"?! Don't say link.
Everything is relative, Homer.
There would be no presence if there were no absence.
Oh, my God, you hear that? I'm sorry, Inspector, I can't help you.
Oh, you're sorry? I'm very sorry.
Yeah, well, what are you going to do give me your serial number now, Colonel? The man who killed Doris Hatten and Cynthia Brown will not be vulnerable to police methods.
I thought it best not to leave them alone with her.
She kept giving them money.
Had you ever seen Cynthia Brown before this? Of course she hadn't.
Now, isn't that enough? Sit down.
It was only $5,000.
I'm sorry, I can't help you.
Didn't we see these statues when we were in Italy? While psychiatric techniques cannot produce any actual evidence there's an excellent chance that I can tell you who the strangler is.
I just can't help you, Inspector.
They have the same kind of statutes there as here.
These aren't the real ones But I'm sure these are imitations.
You want us to bring all the men that were here today, to your office? Not all at once.
One by one.
Well, excuse me, Doctor, but I'm afraid that just won't work out.
Nice try, Doc.
Take two pills, call yourself in the morning.
What've you got, Rowcliffe? We're all done in there.
There's nothing in Wolfe's desk.
In my desk? You rifled my desk? We were careful especially with the contents of your drawers.
How do you want to leave the office? Seal it.
No.
Yeah.
We'll see you tomorrow.
What's up next? They brought in Vedder yet? You would seal it? It's routine.
That's a lie.
When a woman is murdered in there for the second time after a talk with Goodwin, for which we have his word and his word alone, for the second time I say sealing it is routine! I will tell you what it is, Mr.
Cramer.
It is the malefic spite of a sullen little soul with a crabbed and envious mind! It is the childish rancor of a primacy too often challenged! It is the feeble regale of a It's sealed! It's sealed.
Bring me Vedder.
As I said, Cramer made a mistake.
Wolfe spends 300 nights a year in that room.
We don't just work there, we live there.
Archie.
I had thought Vedder was worth a good look but after Cramer's third question, I stopped looking.
He was an actor no wonder he attracted attention.
I didn't even know her, damn it all.
I was simply here to look at orchids.
Thank you.
Is that imported ham? Georgia.
Pigs fed on peanuts and acorns.
Hmm cured to Mr.
Wolfe's specifications.
Smells good.
Tastes even better.
I mean, can you imagine strangling a beautiful woman? It would be the worst of all.
Strangling, it would be like Othello.
Get him out of here.
Let's go, Mr.
Vedder, huh? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Don't be discouraged, Cramer.
All you've got to do is find out who strangled Doris Hatten and you got him, you know? You've only been working on that for what, five months? A girl is murdered in your office and you make jokes? No.
We're leaving.
Everybody out.
We've got Brown.
Where did you get that sandwich?! And I want to put a tail on the Orwins.
I said no sandwiches for you! Give me this here here's your sandwich! What?! A while ago you said something had occurred to you? Did I? If Wolfe had something, anything at all he knew damn well Mr.
Cramer would trade the seals on the office doors for it.
And Cramer knew he could offer that deal with nothing to lose.
But they were both too stubborn.
I restrained an impulse to knock their heads together.
Wolfe had no choice but to be in it.
As for me, even though I knew Cynthia Brown was dead from the minute she laid eyes on the strangler.
I couldn't shake the feeling that I'd played her into his hands.
We have had sufficient indications of his character.
Consider it: he has killed her but he does not know what she said to you.
With that question unanswered, would a man of his character leave the house, or would he risk remaining to see what happened? The answer I get is he would stick around which means he was interviewed in the dining room by Cramer.
He was one of the people.
Is that the thing which occurred to you? No.
By no means.
That's a different matter.
This is a calculation for a starting point and if it is sound, I know who the murderer is.
Oh, wonderful.
Should I get him on the phone? No.
I wish to test the calculation.
And so do I.
But I hesitate.
You do? Why? The only test I can contrive to my satisfaction would expose you to great personal risk.
Uh, since when have you flinched in the face of danger to me? Well, the danger is extreme.
You know, so is the fix you're in, by the way.
The office is sealed and inside is the book you're reading.
Okay, let's hear the test.
Describe it.
Give me 99 chances in 100.
The decision is yours.
Bring the typewriter from your bedroom and the Manhattan telephone directory from mine.
Place them in the dining room.
Call Saul, tell him to be here at 9:00 in the morning.
You know, whatever you need to get typed I can do that up in my room.
No, I wish to type it myself.
Of course I had to put the paper in for him but he sat there pecking away.
I'd hate to have to figure out the rate.
"As you doubtless know, this note pertains directly "to the untimely fate of Cynthia Brown.
"She told me enough this afternoon "so that I knew who to send this to.
"I don't know the right thing to do.
"If you phone me tomorrow, between 9:00 and noon we can make an appointment to talk.
" Uh, "Yours truly " Well, I admit it's nifty but if you plan on sending this note to everybody on the list, then I should do the I prefer to send it to only one person.
Thrifty saves on postage.
I don't want to minimize the risk of this, Archie.
Well, then, I'll have to borrow a gun from Saul.
Ours are in the office.
Let me have the envelope.
Is it flummery? No, no flummery.
But it's not very convenient.
You see, I can't come down there right now, Lieutenant Rowcliffe.
I know.
Well, I'm waiting for a call.
Who was that at the door? Oh, another reporter.
We still on for even money? I said five-to-three and I meant five-to-three.
Is that why you originally asked for two-to-one? What is "five-to-three"? That the call comes in before noon.
I offered him even money.
Well, as the players can't come to terms all bets are off.
Nero Wolfe's office, Archie Goodwin speaking.
Mr.
Goodwin? Yes.
You sent me a note.
Yeah, I don't recognize the voice, uh This is my other voice.
Oh, you got two? Are you available this evening? I can wriggle free.
Drive to a lunchroom at 51st and 11th avenue.
Arrive at 8:00.
Alone, of course.
I won't be there, but you'll get a message.
I still don't recognize the voice.
I don't think it was you I sent the note to.
Yes.
It's good, isn't it? Well Who was that? Search me.
Well.
Let's go tell the genius I got a date.
Well, I'm not surprise to hear that, Archie.
The call verifies our calculations, but that's all.
We need this meeting to establish proof.
It will be dangerous therefore we must consider all the contingencies.
The strangler would've felt honored by the way we spent the rest of the day.
We devoted ourselves to considering all the contingencies.
We might just as well have spent the day playing pool.
With the other guy making the rules no one gets very far not even Nero Wolfe.
Are you sure it's loaded? Next you're going to ask if I got my rubbers on.
Saul arrived on time masquerading as a passenger in a troubled cab so as not to scare my date.
Wolfe had insisted that he come and keep his eyes and ears open.
However, if I got into my car and drove off Saul was not to follow unless I cranked down my window.
Delivering the notes was a handy arrangement for guaranteeing I went to our date unattached.
I had to resist rolling down the window and waving good-bye to Saul.
I was flying solo on this one.
At 52nd Street I saw a black sedan pull away from the curb.
I didn't get the license number until we stopped at 38th Street.
Give me the notes.
Here we are.
Follow me.
Is that him? Yeah.
Hold it.
Hold it.
I haven't explained it yet.
Okay, we got to tie you up in that chair and leave.
And then he comes in, and you talk and then he leaves and then we come back and cut you loose.
What if I just walked out right now? Then we still get paid and you don't have your little talk.
All right.
Well, listen if your going to tie me up in that chair, you better make it loose in case there's a fire or something, I can get out.
There's a C-note in my breast pocket.
A C-note? Shut up and sit down.
Got his choice.
How about we take a nice little walk down to the 14th Precinct? And do what? Well, you got me there.
Okay.
You make more trouble Tie me loose.
In case there's a fire.
I was curious about something.
Why didn't she scream or put up a fight? What did she tell you? She told me about that day at Doris Hatten's apartment.
She was going out, you were coming in.
She's dead.
You can't prove anything.
Then why are you wasting the best disguise I've ever seen? You told Nero Wolfe.
No, no.
Well, I did Well I'm just fed up with this detective business.
I'll tell you that.
I'm thinking of getting out of it.
And I've got something that's worth something to you for say, $50,000.
W'd be a good deal.
I don't see how I could get what I paid for.
Oh, no Well, you could if you don't want, uh me on your neck for the rest of your life.
I certainly don't want you on my neck.
Yeah.
I suppose you don't.
No, so I suppose I got to pay you.
Yeah.
You're working your hand loose.
Oh, no, just, uh, just getting comfortable.
You're working your hand loose.
Uh oh.
Working your hand loose.
No, listen.
You got to stop what you're doing.
Working your hand loose.
You don't want to do that.
You don't want to do that.
Hold on.
Hold on.
I'm not working my hand loose.
I've got to just tell you about something that you're going to be very interested in.
It's a note from Nero Wolfe to you.
It's in my pocket right here.
It's right inside that's it.
Now, it should say Shut up.
"If Mr Goodwin is not home by midnight "the information you gave me about Cynthia Brown will go immediately to the police.
" That's that's right, but you're still okay, see because Nero Wolfe doesn't expect the money until 6:00 tomorrow no later but I realize you may not be able to get the funds in time so you could write an IOU or something on the back of that.
I got a pen in my left-hand pocket.
You think I'm such a fool?! Either we got you cornered or we don't.
Now, what difference is it going to make? Before he was going to kill me.
Now he only hated me.
I guess that was better.
You said 24 hours.
That gives me till tomorrow.
I nearly cracked my head using my brains.
If the killer got back home and took the disguise off we didn't have a thing.
What time your watch say? 8:29.
At half past 9:00 not before untie his left hand.
Don't take it.
Why? It's covered in germs? Hey, he's worth ten grand to you.
Ten grand.
Nonsense.
Give me my $20! You want to know who he is? You want to know who he is? It's Mrs.
Homer Carlisle! Mrs.
Homer Carlisle, that's who this is! Mrs.
? Did you say Mrs.
? We can find that out easy enough.
Don't touch me! What'd you say about this ten grand? It's yours! She got me in the leg! She got me in the leg! Oh, she got me in the leg Well, I hope you're satisfied.
You and Goodwin got your pictures in the paper again.
I get my nose wiped.
You know, I can't prove that Cynthia Brown described Mrs.
Carlisle to Goodwin but I know she did and I want you to know that I knew that he knew it and I know it.
The trouble is, you can't prove you're right.
And I can't prove you're wrong.
Oh-ho, yes, you can.
If she hadn't described her to Goodwin how did you pick her to send that blackmail note to? There were only two women who remained until the body had been discovered.
Obviously it couldn't have been Mrs.
Orwin, with her physique.
Oh, quit stalling.
How did you know it was a woman? Oh, that.
Well, it was there for you to find if you'd listened.
To what? Miss Brown told Mr.
Goodwin she wouldn't have recognized him if he hadn't had a hat on.
Wolfe, I'm asking you nice! She used the masculine pronoun "him" because it had been a man who had called at Doris Hatten's aparment that October day.
She saw a man in my plant room that afternoon.
So what? Almost every woman there wore a hat.
None of the men did.
Fritz took their hats at the door, so it was a woman.
Simple, easy.
I don't believe it.
I would've been glad to tell you if you had not acted so irresponsibly in sealing my office.
There were, of course also the obvious things you missed in the Hatten case.
It was a sound presumption that she had been killed by a jealous wife.
Who else would've been able to secure a duplicate key to the door? Nuts! The jealousy demonstrated by using an article of the victim's clothing.
Various other things, Mr.
Cramer.
And I'll, uh, raise you two.
Two whole dollars? A pair of fives Aw, hell, I was only tied up and shot at by a psycho.
nor bullet wounds shall keep this man from his appointed game.
I don't get why you didn't follow them.
Archie could've been killed.
That's right, and you would've been over here first thing in the morning measuring my desk.
Mr.
Wolfe gave us explicit instructions.
So you went home, left him with a psycho? I followed the instructions.
Some genius.
Thank you, Fritz.
Which is why you will never sit in my chair.
To put it in the words of a genius my self-esteem had been injured and I was filled with rancor.
See, I had to go it alone, and he knew it.
Deal.