New Girl s01e08 Episode Script

[BOTH MOANlNG.]
PAUL: Oh, yeah.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
[SlGHS.]
Wait, wait.
Are we really gonna do this? - Yes.
Yes.
- Okay.
[SlNGlNG.]
Intercourse, intercourse Intercourse.
Intercourse.
- Sorry, that was weird.
- No, no, no.
It's okay.
- I have to go to the loo.
- Okay.
Hey, tiger.
You're having sex tonight.
Don't give me that look.
Just do it.
- I'm sorry.
- No.
You kidding? Don't worry about it.
It's fine.
I just haven't had sex with anyone but Spencer in six years and I get so nervous.
It's like starting a new job with a really weird interview.
Don't worry about it.
I'm good.
I'm more than good.
It's okay.
You know what? Tomorrow night.
Let's just go out to dinner and then just nail each other.
Just pound each other.
V- bomb on the P-bomb.
[MlMlCS AN EXPLOSlON.]
I would have the P-bomb, right? JESS: Who's that girl? CHORUS: Who's that girl? Who's that girl? CHORUS: Who's that girl? - It's Jess.
NlCK: Yes, I'm confirming the appointment.
I made the damn appointment.
That's what-- Why wouldn't-- ? Yeah, okay.
Appointment confirmed.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Not a chance I'm going.
Can you not do this? Look at your hair.
You look ridiculous.
- What am I supposed to talk about? - It's a haircut.
NlCK: No, you're trapped.
You can't move.
They're standing behind you with their hands in your hair and they expect you to talk back.
Oh, yeah, it's your baby.
Cute.
Yeah, your baby's cute.
I tell you what, just come to my place.
No, I'm not going to a black barbershop.
I've seen the movies.
I know how fast they talk.
I don't need to seem any less cool than I do.
- Want to go to my salon? - Hey.
- Hey.
- So, um, heads up, Paul is coming tonight.
And, uh, I just wanted to tell you that I'm gonna tap him like a maple tree.
I'm gonna be searching for some syrups.
- I'm gonna be having sex with him.
- All right.
- Why you telling us this? - I want to give you a heads up.
You nervous? You need tips? No, I'm not nervous.
Just, you know, I can drive stick.
Okay, because it seems like you're freaking out a little bit.
With this whole activity.
- That's not stick, that's automatic.
- That's not automatic.
Another bathroom break, Schmidt? You know, I've been timing you all day.
Seven minutes and 23 seconds.
I wonder what was going on in there.
- Hmm? You pooped.
- Can you stop timing me, please? - That's ridiculous.
- I will break you.
Hey, Lisa.
You were on fire last night, girl.
- I'm taking her job.
- What did you do last night? Everyone went to Jill's bachelorette party.
Why don't I get invited places? Is it because I'm the only man in the office? "Man.
" That's adorable.
- How's it-- ? - Sarah got promoted.
- Sarah? With the gums? - Yeah.
- So she's out of the-- - That corner cubicle, it's free.
So much kickback space.
And, you know, Gina personally invited me to her baby shower tonight.
So that corner cubicle, that's all mine.
You're like a Bond villain.
You just told me your whole plan.
Heh.
[lN BRlTlSH ACCENT.]
Mr.
Darcy's going to love my new bonnet.
Why are we here? [lN NORMAL VOlCE.]
You don't understand.
You've never been cheated on before.
Spencer and I never tried anything new, and maybe if I had been more erotic-- Spencer cheated on you because he's a total jerk - not because you're bad in bed.
- It's been six years.
Everything I know about sex I learned from Spencer or the Clinton impeachment trials.
He used a cigar as a sexual aid with her in the oval office area-- JESS' MOM: Jess.
- Mom? I'm not listening to NPR.
[WHlSTLES.]
No.
No whistle.
[CECE LAUGHS.]
It's terrible.
Ah, excusez-moi.
Can I try this on, please? Oh, the starfish.
You can't try that on.
Health code.
I'll take it.
Hah! I hope Paul is packing some coral polyps because this starfish is hungry.
[LAUGHS.]
- Starfish eat coral polyps.
- Just pay, Jess.
Today I'm gonna show you how to cut your own hair.
- I consider myself-- - Whoa, what the hell are you doing, Nick? It's a haircut, human interaction.
You're a bartender.
You talk to strangers every day.
I don't like when they touch my head, Winston.
I don't like it.
- Go to the damn salon! - No, it's fine, okay? I'm learning how to do it myself.
I'm learning from this video.
[SPEAKlNG lNDlSTlNCTLY ON SCREEN.]
Aah! WlNSTON: Oh! - Oh, my God, man.
Oh! Oh! I was wondering why it had so many views.
Let's watch it again.
- Hey.
- What? You know, Gina, I was just walking by and I mean I was literally pulled in here by the glow.
- What do you want? - I was just working at my cubicle which, between you and me, is surrounded by a couple of chatty Cathys.
That's their names.
Cathy S.
and Cathy G.
They won't shut up about a baby shower tonight for a certain VP VP.
Very pregnant vice presidente.
You're the worst.
Seriously, the worst.
Get out.
Honestly, it would mean so much to me if you would let me come to your shower.
Okay, fine.
Come to my baby shower.
- I can come? So I'm invited? - Yeah.
You're invited.
I'm gonna get you one of those portable baby pumps.
You're just out there every day but pumping yourself at the same time, you know, just milking away.
Just: [MlMlCS LASER GUN FlRlNG.]
- Get out.
- Okay, I'm gonna go.
- Why don't we meet here at 8? PAUL [OVER PHONE.]
: Great.
Okay.
Uh, where's the place? Um, I think it's in Koreatown.
- Let me check.
- Exotic.
Ah, let me see here.
[WOMAN MOANS ON SCREEN.]
PAUL: Jess? What? Oh, um - Sorry, uh, can I call you back? - Yeah.
[CHATTERlNG lN FORElGN LANGUAGE ON SCREEN.]
Hey, Schmidt.
Can I borrow your computer? Nick? Winston? [MAN AND WOMAN MOANlNG ON SCREEN.]
[JESS GlGGLES.]
What? [BUZZlNG ON SCREEN.]
[MOANlNG CONTlNUES.]
What? [MAN LAUGHlNG.]
Hey, do you have my comput-- ? Oh, my computer.
- I have your computer.
- I can see that.
Hey, I gotta cram for this baby shower.
Can I have it back? I've been watching porn.
[CHUCKLES.]
- I found your red folder.
- How long have you been doing that for? - Are you okay? - Five and a half hours.
Wow.
You went deep, Jess.
Real deep.
Help me, guys.
I have 15 minutes.
Teach me how to be good at sex.
I just-- I have to go on this date right now and I can't do it.
I'm freaking out, okay? I need all of you to sit in front of me and tell me what guys like in bed.
Right now.
- What do you wanna know? - Okay.
Um, when you're-- If you're in the-- If you're holding-- Sorry.
Start over.
Um When you reach - Completion? NlCK: Yeah, that was it.
JESS: No, wait.
NlCK: I can't do this.
- Come on.
Come back here.
- Jess, guys wanna be whisked away.
- Be enchanted.
- Just take your clothes off, Jess.
Do you think that Paul watches stuff like that? - All the time.
- Probably watching it right now.
Okay.
I put this on mute because this girl is, like, pretty loud.
And my main thing that I took away was: "Gosh, that young lady can really multitask.
" - Super normal.
What she's doing.
- Don't know if every girl is like that.
Wondering if there are trendy moves.
Because I've been doing the same four for the last six years, like: Aah, and you know, like: That one and-- I don't know.
Do you think that Paul would be into, like, something like that? What, a little light choking? I bet Paul is into some pretty dark stuff.
- Light choking? - No one's doing that.
You're hooking up with the wrong girl.
I'm hooking up with the right girl because they don't choke me.
- Nick is meat and potatoes.
We're sushi.
- Don't wanna be a part of this.
NlCK: You're better at sex than me? - Yeah.
What did you do after you lost your virginity? Don't say that.
You're taking it out of context.
He said, "ls it okay I didn't get my pants off?" - That's a true story.
That really happened.
- I was 16 years old.
And I've gotten a lot better.
You haven't gotten that much better.
I used to listen to you and Caroline.
It was like listening to a rescue crew trying to communicate with a stranded miner.
[lMlTATES NlCK.]
"Are you okay?" [lMlTATES CAROLlNE.]
"Yeah.
" [lMlTATES NlCK.]
"Are you okay?" - "Yeah.
" - Hey, guys, I don't have much time.
Can we get back on track? I need to know what to do.
Would flicking be, like, a cool thing? No.
- No.
- Absolutely not.
Role play? Do you know any voices? Yes.
I can do an old-timey newscaster, like: [lMlTATES NEWSCASTER.]
"Hi, there, son.
I'm gonna kick you into next Tuesday, see?" For the last 15 years, you've been thinking I'm bad at sex.
- I'm fantastic at sex.
- Dude, you're scared to get a haircut.
I don't like getting a haircut.
What does that have to do with sex? You got a question, come to me because I'm obviously the best.
No, you're not the best.
Who do you think, of the three of us - is the best at sex? - Yes.
And take emotion out of it.
No one's feelings are gonna get hurt.
Especially, you know, Nick and Winston's.
[lN NORMAL VOlCE.]
No, I'm not doing this.
- Say a name.
WlNSTON: Go with your gut.
[KNOCKlNG ON DOOR.]
Oh.
Oh.
Hey, Paul.
Hey, Paul.
JESS: Hey.
PAUL: Hey.
Hey, goose.
Hey, goose.
- I'm gonna go get ready.
I'll be back.
PAUL: Okay.
- I'll just hang out with the guys.
JESS: Cool.
- Hey, guys.
What's up? SCHMlDT: What's up, man? WlNSTON: What's up? - You're looking at me like what? Goose is short for me gusta Jess.
- What? - Come here, sit down, man.
I am so tired of people being so careful with me.
It's like I am 40 and I am pregnant.
I am not made out of crackers.
[ALL LAUGH.]
Hey, ladies.
What are you guys talking about? - Afterbirth.
- Afterbirth.
That's like the party you guys have after you have the baby.
- Sort of.
- I'd like to be invited to that.
They say an afterbirth ain't an afterbirth without some Schmidt up in there.
- Come here.
- I'm gonna talk to you in a bit.
- What are you doing? - I'm rocking this party.
Watch this.
[CLlNKlNG.]
Hi, how's everybody doing? You know, I just wanted to take a moment to-- Well, to say how honored I am to celebrate the journey of Bogart through Gina, and out and into the light.
Here's to elective C-sections.
[ALL CHEERlNG.]
[ALL LAUGHlNG.]
Just face it, baby.
You don't know the first thing about women.
Aah, you're the best, Beth.
I don't know if you know this about me, but I was in two frats in college.
You wanna know why? Because I just couldn't decide.
Hey, ladies.
Let's get this party started.
[ALL CHEERlNG.]
[DANCE MUSlC PLAYS OVER SPEAKERS.]
We're all getting drunk tonight! Except for you, Gina.
Horribly irresponsible.
[ALL CHATTERlNG lNDlSTlNCTLY.]
[PlANO PLAYlNG.]
So I'm looking forward to having sex tonight.
Yeah.
Me too.
Sex is the bomb.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
Sorry.
That sounded like a guy from Entourage.
Do you like porn? No.
Do you? Yeah, I mean, l-- Yeah.
I do like pornos.
Yeah, you know, when my imagination isn't really working or I've exhausted the bullpen.
I just find it very erotic.
And then I just love, like everything that's erotic.
[DANCE MUSlC PLAYS OVER SPEAKERS.]
SCHMlDT: Yeah, party! Party, yeah! Yeah, Gina, yeah! Baby wants his bottle, yeah! Party! ALL: Schmidt! Schmidt! Schmidt! [CHEERlNG.]
- Aha! Yeah! - This is so weird! - I love it! - Aah! [SCHMlDT LAUGHlNG.]
I'm having a baby! She's having a baby! [CHEERlNG.]
Yeah! Things people say sometimes, I don't really write it, but I think-- Are we gonna do this? - Yeah, definitely.
- Sit down.
Okay.
Whoa.
Wow.
- You are hot, hot, hot.
- Thank you.
[lMlTATES NEWSCASTER.]
Hello, weather service? Oh, there's a heat wave from Portsmouth to Port, Kansas.
I don't know, I don't-- What is happening? We're talking dirty, slim.
Oh, okay.
You're doing a voice.
You want me to do a voice? Okay.
Um [lMlTATES JlMMY STEWART.]
Well, I'm so happy to be here.
[lN NORMAL VOlCE.]
Jimmy Stewart? [lMlTATES JlMMY STEWART.]
You look ravishing in your netting-- - Thank you very much.
- Contraption.
Why don't you let me see your caboose? Okay, here.
Let me go ahead and-- - Your caboose.
Your butt.
- Oh, my butt.
Okay.
Here's my caboose.
Oh, happy birthday, me! - Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.
- No.
No, it was great.
I just-- It felt so good and sensual.
You want me to wiggle it around? How about you help me get a little more comfortable? Oh, all right, dear.
Okay.
[lN NORMAL VOlCE.]
I'm gonna try something different.
[lN NORMAL VOlCE.]
I just-- Oh, okay, great.
[lMlTATES OLD WOMAN.]
Young man.
Young man, the things I'm gonna do to you.
[lMlTATES JlMMY STEWART.]
Well, I can't wait to-- Young man, don't take all day.
Well, I understand, ma'am, but you're wearing chain mail here.
- I am not getting any younger.
- It's like an erotic rope course.
Okay, l-- Let me try up here.
- I think it's-- - [lN NORMAL VOlCE.]
I can't do the voice - and get this off at same time.
- [lN NORMAL VOlCE.]
Okay.
- ls that-- ? Are you okay? - Yes.
This is-- [lMlTATES A LUMBERJACK.]
I'm gonna split you like a log! [SCREAMlNG.]
Wait, hold on.
What is that? - [lN NORMAL VOlCE.]
It's a lumberjack.
- Hold on one second.
Can we just start over and just kind of go back to basics for a minute? Just you and me.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- Just our regular voices.
- Ha, ha.
All right.
See? So nice.
So nice.
[PAUL GRUNTS.]
- You're hurting me.
- Oh, my God.
[COUGHS.]
Oh, God.
- Are you okay? - Yeah, I'm good.
I'm good.
- Let me get you some water.
- Yeah.
- I have good water at home.
- I have water here.
I have a filter.
It's a special ionized filter I got at home.
Okay.
NlCK: I'm glad you convinced me to go to your barbershop.
Wow, man.
I-- It actually looks really good.
Right? I look good.
I loved it there.
Think they liked me? - I think they loved you in there, man.
- Okay, good.
- How did it go? NlCK: Is he still in there, Jess? There's no more tea.
I forgot to buy tea.
Hello.
Where's-- ? Where is the door? Hey, what's up, Jess? You okay, Jess? I messed up.
He ran away.
He got scared.
Why would he be scared? Because I choked him.
I lightly choked him.
WlNSTON: Wow.
That's what happens when you listen to Schmidt.
It's just when I was with Spencer, I didn't even think about this.
- I just did it.
NlCK: Okay.
Here's the thing.
You gotta stop thinking about it.
Just relax and be yourself.
You're awesome.
- What do you think, Winston? - Why are you asking Winston? Nick, look at your hair.
You don't look like someone who's good at sex.
I can't believe you just said that.
You're gonna stop worrying about it.
Completely.
- That's really good.
- Literally what I just said.
What are you worried about anyway? Paul doesn't care what you do.
I've seen the way that boy looks at you.
- And he is crazy about you.
- I agree, l-- Shh.
I'm trying to listen to Winston.
[KNOCKlNG ON DOOR.]
- Oh, hi.
- Hi.
- Paul - Hey, Winston.
- Can I talk to you for a minute? - Yeah.
- We'll step into my office.
- Okay.
- Hey, Nick.
NlCK: Okay.
PAUL: Um - Hi - Hi.
- So last night was-- - No, I'm so sorry.
- No, no, don't, please-- - Unacceptable.
I'm really intimidated by you, Jess.
You're so experienced and I've never done that stuff that S & M style, bondage stuff.
It scares me a little but I wanna do it because I know that you're into it.
Just please be gentle with me at first, okay? I really like you.
- Really? - Yeah, I do.
And nothing else matters.
Except, just no fire and no handcuffs, please.
Please, please, please.
Okay? And I'm allergic to felt.
And most polyurethanes.
Okay, well, that's it.
- And no bugs too.
I don't know if that was-- - Paul, wait.
Um Last night was kind of a low point for me.
I mean-- I'm not really into that stuff.
I just-- I thought that whatever I used to do wouldn't be good enough sexy enough, advanced enough.
That's why I did that.
- Oh, no! - Sorry.
No.
It's okay.
It just surprised me a little bit.
I just-- I like you.
Well, good.
I'll walk you down.
Okay.
- Oh, um, the new trombones came in-- - Paul.
[JESS MOANlNG.]
[ELEVATOR BUZZlNG.]
That doesn't speed it up when you do that.
WlNSTON: I know, I know.
We're about to see a movie.
You wanna come? [PAUL & JESS.]
Sure.
Hey, Jess? Is that your shoe? Boy, your haircut look like a high-rise.
[ALL LAUGHlNG.]
Where the penthouse at? Hey, old man, where did you steal those pants? Off of Danny Glover's grandfather? [NlCK LAUGHlNG.]
I am Danny Glover's grandfather.
I'm big fan of his work.
He's great in the Lethal Weapons.
No, I'm not.
[ALL LAUGHlNG.]