Night Court (1984) s01e08 Episode Script

What's a four-letter word for "nonsense"? - Bull.
- Thanks.
- Mind if we join you? - No.
Sit down.
Selma, you haven't touched your food.
I've touched it.
I've chewed it.
I've swallowed it.
Now it's up to my enzymes.
That's the judge's tray.
He's on the phone.
Got another lead on those tickets.
I must say, I've never seen anybody so whipped up about a concert.
Well, you know how he is about Mel Torme.
Bonkers.
It fits.
Personally, I don't see the big attraction about Mel Torme.
I like singers that stick to the tune.
Like who, for instance? Leontyne Price Luciano Pavarotti that bird on Sesame Street's not bad either.
- Any luck? - Yeah.
All bad.
The concert's been sold out for two weeks and my sources don't have tickets.
I don't believe it.
I am two days away from getting shut out.
It's only a concert, judge.
No, Liz.
Woodstock was only a concert.
This is Mel Torme.
Yeah, I'm into financial planning.
I make money the old-fashioned way.
I print it.
- Dan, you're a very funny guy.
- Yes.
Well I have my serious side too.
Unhand me, sir.
I'll scream.
You'll scream.
You'll faint.
You'll see skyrockets going off.
Is it me, or has Dan been different lately? No.
He's always been different.
You think there's been a little between them? - Come on, now.
Just because people work together and have coffee breaks together and laughs, don't jump to Don't look now.
He's kissing her hand.
Listen, you lured me in here with the promise of a cup of coffee.
- Any chance of getting one? - That's the spirit.
Use me.
- Look at that man smile.
- It's cute.
It's dangerous.
Your teeth dry up and stick to your lips.
Very painful.
- Hey, Dan, over here.
- Dan.
Dan, I think the others want us to join them.
- Come over.
- Come on over, Dan.
I don't see anyone.
I think you might be right.
It looks like our Dan is in love.
Incredible! That's it.
"Incredible.
" How many letters? Ten.
Close enough.
Has anyone ever told you what a cute vaccination scar you have? Not that I recall.
Well, if it isn't two of the loveliest ladies in the entire criminal justice system.
Hi.
- Dan? - Dan Fielding? Liz, that may be the smartest outfit I've ever seen you wear and you have worn some smart outfits.
- I have? - Don't you dare change that hair.
Remember that movie about the pods in the basement? Here.
What's this? A poem I wrote on the subway this morning.
Oh? What do you think? Nice.
Must be hard to find something to rhyme with "jurisprudence.
" Looks like love is in full bloom over there.
The massive amounts of fertilizer have helped, I think.
- Come on, Miss Wagner.
- Don't be so hard on him.
Haven't you ever been madly in love with someone? Of course not.
I'm engaged.
What I mean is, I don't think that it's appropriate for people who work together to have romantic relationships.
- Have you? - Have I what? Have you ever been madly in love with someone? - Sure.
- Anyone I know? I doubt it.
She was a cute dark-haired girl who sat next to me in second grade.
- I see.
- I forget her name, but she was wild.
- Your Honor - We'd sneak off to the cloakroom and eat paste.
- Next case.
You see, in our version of hide-and-seek The People v.
Leo Bell, Your Honor.
Mr.
Bell was arrested near Madison Square Garden for scalping tickets.
Hey, I'm very distraught about this whole thing, judge.
See, I made my little niece a promise: The next time the ice show comes to town, her Uncle Leo would take her.
But then two weeks ago, something else took her.
- I'm sorry.
You mean? - She went with the school and I got stuck with the ticket, right.
You thought you might sell the ticket? Exactly.
So someone else's niece could enjoy the show.
That is a very nice thought, Mr.
Bell, but it says here that you sold a $9 ticket for $45.
Well, that seat was right behind Snoopy's doghouse.
If it please the court, Exhibit A was taken from the defendant at the time of his arrest.
I couldn't have said it better myself.
Well, how do you explain this, Mr.
Bell? You must have 200 or 300 tickets here.
I love the theater.
Your appreciation of the arts is duly noted for the record.
- Your hair smells great.
- It's dandruff shampoo.
Excuse me, does the prosecution have anything else to present? - Your Honor - Your Honor Sorry, go ahead.
No, no.
After you.
Mr.
Bell is so brazen in his flaunting of the law that he prints business cards listing his office phone number which is, in fact, a phone booth on Lexington Avenue.
This is quite an assortment you have here, Mr.
Bell: The Knicks, the Rangers, the boat show, La Cage aux Folles, Mel Torme? There must be 30 Mel Torme tickets here.
I had 50 Tormes this morning.
That is a very hot ticket.
- Your Honor.
- September 13.
- Beg your pardon? - That's when Mel Torme was born in Chicago.
- I celebrate it every year.
- Your Honor I mean, I don't have a big affair.
It's not a national holiday not yet.
Sir, the case.
- Is open-and-shut, right, Leo? - I have erred.
Forgive me.
Fifty dollars penance.
Go in peace.
I like him.
He's nuts.
Let's have a recess.
- Congratulations.
- Thank you.
Your thinking was clear, your logic, precise.
You're a credit to the profession.
Let's have children.
- Oh, Dan.
- Oh, Suzanne.
- Harry, they're evidence.
- Of course.
I have to turn them over to the city property clerk.
- Absolutely.
That's the law.
- Right.
Oh, God.
Row B.
- Your Honor? - Miss Woodfield? I'm sorry, but I couldn't help overhearing, and well, I have two tickets to the Mel Torme concert.
- You're not using them? Fantastic! - No.
I'm using them At least one of them.
See, I'm a big fan too.
- Really? - I wondered if you might wanna use the other ticket.
- But what about Dan? - What about him? - I assumed you two were Oh, no, no.
I mean, he's a very nice guy.
We've gone out a couple of times, but it's not serious.
- Well, in that case - You'll go with me? I would go with Godzilla.
I have better breath.
- I meant - I know what you meant.
Your Honor is she adorable or what? The court agrees, Mr.
Fielding.
I'll tell you what.
After work why don't we go get pizza.
My treat.
I'd love to, but I can't.
I'm already doing something this evening.
Yeah.
We're already doing something this evening.
What exactly will we be doing this evening? Sorry, Dan.
I have a date.
A couple of the gals are getting together, doing their nails.
- That kind of thing? - No.
It's a date.
With a man? Are you serious? Deadly.
Who are you going out with? - None of your business.
- Come on.
Tell me.
- I won't die.
- Excuse me.
Shall I pick you up at your house, or should we just leave from here? Him?! Could we discuss this somewhere else, Bull? Excuse us.
Dan? Dan, I didn't know.
I didn't know that you and Suzanne were serious.
- I just thought that - Harry, stuff it.
- I can't believe he said that.
- No, it's okay.
I told him he could call me "Harry.
" I have never known Dan to be late before.
- I hope he's all right.
- Yeah.
But it's his own fault.
I mean, I always make it a rule: Never get involved with people I work with.
You work with rapists, junkies, muggers and flashers.
That does make it easier.
- Hi, Dan.
How was dinner? - The part that stayed down? Fine.
Dan.
Dan, I've gotta talk to you about something.
- Business? - No.
Catch me in the fall.
- Dan, can we talk? - Sure.
So where are you and Conehead the Barbarian going tonight? Dan, it is just a dinner date.
Foraging in the forest, trapping small animals that kind of thing? If you must know, he's taking me to the restaurant on top of the World Trade Center.
Are you going to use the elevator or is he just dragging you up the side of the building? - Poor guy.
- Yeah.
I'm sure he presumed way too much but he must feel like he's been kicked in the teeth.
- Well - I'm sure that to feel that a friend has stabbed you in the heart - But - Betrayal eats away so - I didn't know! That we were getting so backed up! Next case! That would be Gerald Jackson, Your Honor charged with theft, second-degree.
He was accused of tapping the till of his employer, the Midtown Speedy Mart.
- Miss Williams? - Yes, sir.
Your Honor the amount of money is less than $50 and my client has expressed willingness to pay it back.
Pay it back? How do you pay back someone's trust once you've spent it? - Mr.
Fielding - Look at it from my point of view.
I was nuts about her.
No.
Scratch that.
Insane about her.
I gave her all of my love, all of my attention, all of my affection and what happens? She dumps me for Bobbo the Human Redwood over there.
- I don't feel well.
- I know, Dan but we have to put personal problems - I am going to soil your bench.
- Recess now.
Dan, we've all been through rejection.
Hasn't anything like this ever happened to you before? Are you serious? Harry, I was just jilted in favor of a man who wears hunting socks to work every day.
Now, be fair.
Bull has his share of talents.
I don't consider being able to drive in nails with your fists a talent.
Dan, Suzanne appears to be a wonderful woman.
You know, I really, really thought that we were simpatico, Harry.
She appeals to a lot of people.
We shared so many of the same interests.
I imagine a lot of people appeal to her.
She found my jokes amusing.
She likes Torme.
I like Torme.
Her nose wrinkles when she laughs at them.
- Harry, Suzanne and l - Suzanne and l Go ahead.
Dan, I'm gonna go Answer the door.
- Bull.
- Your Honor.
You're ocupado.
- I'll come back.
- No, no.
Come on in.
Come on in.
I think we have something to talk about.
What? The year in combs.
You ever see one up close? Listen, you myopic little dilettante! Who are you calling little?! Okay, that is enough of that.
I won't tolerate personal disagreements that interfere with the operation of my court.
Do I make myself clear? Now, the three of us have a problem.
We must work it out like grown men.
- The three of us? - Yeah.
We all Anybody want pretzels? Or nuts? I got some avocado dip.
Your Honor, I have cases to prepare.
Why don't you just sit down until you're told to leave? You talking to me? - Guys.
- Perhaps you'd like to step outside.
- You bet I would.
- All right, that's it.
- Nobody leaves here.
- Thank you.
Thank you.
Now, we got to find a way to cut this tension.
Let's hold hands.
What did he say? I took a sensitivity training class once and I learned that most male aggression is due to a lack of physical and emotional contact with members of the same sex.
Perhaps you should visit our holding cell sometime, sir.
Come on.
You've seen professional football huddles haven't you? Come on.
Come on.
That's it.
Dan, take my hand.
Good.
Now, Bull.
All right, now the two of you link up.
Go ahead.
That's it.
No.
I wanna be on top.
Okay, guys.
Now, no need to say anything.
Just let go.
Just feel, experience the bond.
His bond is breaking my knuckles.
Bull, loosen up.
Come on now, guys, relax.
Close your eyes.
All the way.
All right.
Now just feel.
Someone came in.
- Hello? - We'll come back.
- No, no.
Don't be silly.
- We were just discussing humiliation.
If you'll all excuse me.
Dan, there is no reason to feel humiliated.
Some helpful advice: Date within your species.
I have no idea what she sees in him.
Don't worry.
Women are still tops in my book.
We were just trying a little sensitivity exercise.
- Just say, "Of course.
" - Of course.
Did you want to see me? Yes.
Harry, we're ready for you anytime you are.
- Fine.
- And I want to apologize for what happened in court.
- I feel partly responsible.
- No, it wasn't your fault.
It's just that Dan needs to realize that I care as much for him as I do for Bull.
It just so happens I have a lot of interests.
- Fine.
- Bull likes Post-lmpressionist painters.
- So do I.
- He does? - Dan enjoys oompah bands.
So do I.
- He does.
You and I love Mel Torme, so we're going to the concert just to have a good time.
- You are? - Lana, you wanna hear a funny story? - Yeah.
Make me laugh.
Your Honor, you better hurry.
It's bad.
- What happened? Bad? - Bull and Dan in the cafeteria they are fighting.
- Fighting?! I passed by.
Bull was throwing Dan around like a little rag doll.
- Oh, my God! - Those stupid! - Are they fighting over me? - Chivalry is not dead.
Let's go.
No.
Dan! He was lucky there was a doctor here.
Look at this place! Love stinks.
- Is he all right, doctor? - Couple of cracked ribs, that's all.
You big, overgrown oaf! How could you?! Settle down there, Your Honor.
He probably saved this man's life.
- Come again? - Your friend here almost choked to death on an olive that got stuck in his throat.
- You mean Bull? - Applied the Heimlich maneuver with ferocity heretofore unknown to mankind.
Dan, how do you feel? Take a guess.
Bull saved your life.
I know.
Bull? - Yeah? - Thank you.
Bull, I am so sorry for what I thought and what I said.
That enough manly affection for you, Your Honor? I deserved that.
- Any bandages or tape around here? - In the guard's lounge.
Follow me.
Now, just keep still.
And please, no more help.
Bull, I said some pretty nasty things.
- You didn't say anything that nasty.
- Not to your face, no.
Well, forget it.
No, no! I don't wanna forget it.
I want a chance to make it up to you.
So you can have Suzanne.
He what? No, Dan, I mean, you were there first.
I had no idea.
- You should have her.
- No, no, no.
- I insist.
- You insist?! - Listen - My ribs, my ribs! For your information, boys l'm not a plaything to be tossed around between the two of you.
I'm an adult and I'll make the decisions about what I do in life thank you, including whom I spend my time with.
Now, can't you just accept the fact that I liked all three of you that's why I wanted to be with you? Three? Isn't that amazing? She She just happened to have an extra seat to the Mel Torme concert.
Is that something? Or is that something? Come on, Harry.
You're not gonna back out, are you? No.
It's just that when we've had some time to put all this in perspective Listen, I'm going.
You can do whatever you want.
Bull? Dan? - I'm sorry, Suzanne.
- No, no.
You own that ticket now.
There.
You satisfied? You could tape that sucker back together real easy.
I would have hoped that a gesture of friendship was enough but evidently you guys want blood.
There.
Now are you happy? That was dumb.
She's right, Harry.
- She is? - Suzanne, you were correct.
I acted like a stereotypical male chauvinist pig and I apologize.
- Yeah.
Me too, Suzanne.
I guess it got a little crazy around here.
It won't happen again.
Well, gentlemen, I appreciate your apologies.
I accept.
So, what you are all saying is - Go with her.
Have fun.
- Go ahead.
If you'll excuse me.
Harry, I think Mel put it best once when he said: - Hi, everything's locked up.
- Good.
We're all going to Emilio's for a beer.
- Wanna join us? - Not tonight, Lana.
Thanks.
- It's been a crazy couple of days.
- Yeah.
- Dan's coming back tomorrow.
- Great, great, great.
Harry, I want you to know I'm sorry about the concert.
I know.
I'm fine.
Really, thanks.
Unless there's something else No, no.
Nothing.
- See you tomorrow.
- See you tomorrow.
Fine.
Ladies and gentlemen, Mr.
Mel Torme! One, two Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
Now, there's good vibes tonight.