No Tomorrow (2016) s01e08 Episode Script

1 - I'm Xavier.
With an "X.
" - Your life is so much fun.
- Gotta live life while I can.
- What does that mean? Humankind only has eight months - and 12 days left on Earth.
- You're serious? Yeah, the apocalypse is, um nigh.
(Chuckles) This is my apocalyst.
This is every last thing I want to do before things go kaput.
- (Whoops) - (Crowd cheers) (Shouts) You in? Previously on No Tomorrow My financial situation is pretty dire right now.
I'm gonna suck it up and get a job.
I want to take a bite out of your bun.
Do it.
This is a whole different set of paperwork.
Yay to getting your CyberHugs dream job.
Oh, thank you! Yes, congratulations.
Your workload has just doubled.
(Sighs) (Grunts) (Gasps) Was I snarting? Hey, are you okay? What are you doing? I am ZORBing.
You fell asleep at your desk again.
Oh, yeah, well productivity is down and Deirdre's freaking out.
I have to figure out a way to get the numbers up and still do all my new CyberHugs duties.
Two jobs at once.
- That's incredibly unfair.
- Yeah, of course it's unfair, but if I want to get ahead, I have to prove I am committed and can do extra work without complaint.
But you're obviously miserable.
You haven't done anything off your list in three days and I haven't seen you in ages.
What do you want me to say, Xavier? Uh "I quit.
Let's go ZORBing together, Xavier.
" You don't get it.
I have responsibilities.
You know, you and the list are just gonna have to wait.
So, when am I gonna see you? Tomorrow? Oh! Thank you for this.
You're a lifesaver.
You should take it easy on those.
Why?! You said they're the best on the market.
The black market, yeah, but the FDA hasn't approved them yet.
There's a black market for energy drinks? There's a black market for everything.
You should see the deal I got on these pearly whites.
Your teeth are fake? They're real, but they're secondhand.
Oh.
This is Socrates.
And thanks to you, Socrates is dead.
No, he's still alive.
Well, he'll be dead soon and his blood will be on your hands.
I'm sorry, who are you? I work for the Habitat for Rodentia Rescue Center.
Uh-huh.
We rescue and rehabilitate animals in the rodent family.
You cut our funding last quarter? Oh, no, that wasn't me.
I just started Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
Spare me your excuses, corporate robot.
I want you to look into the expressive, beady, little eyes of Socrates and know that his impending death is on your hands.
What am I supposed to do with Socrates?! Love him.
Uh Hi friend, come with me.
Hank is your dad now.
No, Hank ain't your daddy.
No, no.
Hell no.
Rats make me nervous.
No, I can't do quality control, CyberHugs and take care of a rat.
Please, Hank.
It's well documented that rats are the government's top test subject for telepathy.
That bald-tailed rodent could be reading my mind right now.
LAUREN: I know what you're thinking.
It's a lot of paperwork but your relationship is worth it.
Oh, yes, I-I think I can speak for both of us when I say it is important that we're Cybermart official.
I'll file this today, as soon as you both complete our In-House Dating Seminar.
Our aim is to make the Cybermart environment safe, fun and aggressively nonprovocative.
You got a dirty little secret (Woman moaning, panting) Oh, you're bringing trouble Oh! We've got to stop.
Well, that's what you said four hours ago and three hours before that and two hours before that.
No, I meant this whole thing.
(Groans) You're marrying my brother.
What? You're marrying my brother! But it's just for the green card.
But he's in love with you.
Oh, this is wrong.
I don't even believe in right and wrong, but this, this is wrong.
Well, I just made it pretty clear to Rohan that it was all green card business from my end.
How'd he take it? He was disappointed but he didn't back out.
I just want to lock down the green card and then we'll tell him.
Huh? In the meantime I got you creeping through the shadows So wrong.
Ow, how could I know? How could I know? Bro.
Uh, yes? Uh, bro? Marlo Miyamoto.
Timothy Luscious Fin I know who you are, bro.
I know you.
Really? Cool.
(Fartlike sound rumbles) Uh, that was the chair.
It's cool.
Farting is just the body's way of returning nitrogen back to the universe.
What? No.
I-I didn't, see? Uh Anyway, uh, I was so excited to get your call.
I'm a huge fan of ImPropaganda's work.
I mean, I love being a tech writer, but well, you know, my life has changed a lot recently and and I'm ready for more.
At ImPropaganda, we focus on the human element, when the stakes are high and the bullets fly.
We don't want just blood on the page.
We want sweat, bile, possibly urine.
I have all of those things.
All you need is to find another story that grabs another half a million views like your STEVEN-Spiel did.
You do that, you're in.
You get me, bro? I get you.
Read you loud and clear.
(Sighs) Hello, Evie.
(Gasps) Whoa.
What are you doing here? I told you I was busy.
Your visit this morning cost me four minutes and 23 seconds.
Hey, hi, hello.
- No.
- Eye contact.
Hi, how are you doing? Deep breath.
(Exhales) Oh, is that better? I can't tell.
Well, look, I've been thinking about what you said to me.
You know, about me not understanding what you do - because I don't have a job? - Mm-hmm.
Well, as of this moment, I am an employed individual.
You got a job? Yes, ma'am.
You got a job?! Yeah.
- Oh, my gosh! - (Chuckles) That's amazing.
Congratulations.
Where? Right here.
Now we get to spend all day together.
This is awesome.
I can't believe you got a job here.
Yeah, it was shockingly easy.
Apparently, your turnover rate is appalling.
And if I can figure out a way to help you get productivity up, then you're gonna be down to one job and we can spend more time doing our apocalysts.
Well, I will take whatever help I can get.
- How cute.
- (Both shout) Your public display of affection reminds me that now that Xavier is an employee here, you are both required to join Hank and myself in the conference room for an In-House Dating Seminar.
NARRATOR: And now it's time to tell the story of Betty Beagle and Hans the German Shorthaired Pointer, and how their great love "tail" turned positively actionable.
Down, boy Flirtation is not appropriate during work hours.
It's important to keep all parts of your anatomy, to yourselves.
And remember, if you try to play where you do your business, things can get messy.
I hope you all enjoyed that as much as I did.
So, any questions before you go? If the boy dog had been wearing pants, I think a lot of that trouble could have been avoided.
Yup.
So what's after this? - What do you mean? - Well, what do you do after all the trucks are loaded? Load more trucks.
(Sighs) Let's go.
Ah, I'm beat.
MIKHAIL: Box to the truck.
Box to the truck.
Come on! Ah, there's that pesky asterisk messing with my Excel formula.
Can't hide from my laser eyes, Mr.
Asterisk.
I just talked to my spreadsheet and you didn't make fun of me.
- Hey, hey! - (Gasps) You're texting Sofia? Kareema, you said you were staying away from her.
I tried to but it was more fun staying close to her.
I really like the woman.
I haven't liked anything this much since the big bang.
My first orgy.
Well well, then you have to tell Rohan.
There's a green card hanging in the balance, so for now I'll just ride out this feeling called happiness and sext Sofia back.
Why don't you just focus on your own love life? Where's Xavier? Hey.
- Hey.
- How's it going? What is this? - Well - Okay.
You keep falling asleep at your desk, and the guys in shipping are exhausted, and I saw this material just lying around and I thought I'd stitch it together to make a sack you can nap in.
A nap sack.
Um, I thought you were trying to help me with productivity.
Ah, but being more rested means being more efficient, which means being more productive.
Cool.
Well, um, another thing that would help with productivity would be if all of our workers were, you know, working.
That would include you.
- So, here - Yeah, right.
Okay.
is your (Grunts) (Sighs) Hey, T-neebopper! How'd that meeting with ImPropaganda go? They want to hire me I knew it.
So long as I find a big story first.
Oh, like D.
B.
Cooper big? (Gasps) Or Roswell big? Either but stories like that don't just fall out of the sky uh, except for both of those.
They want something with a human element and my bodily fluids.
Oh, well, keep your chin up and your secretions in.
You hit the streets and I'll keep my eyes open.
We'll find it.
We will fi hello? This is the longest day of my life.
Only six more hours.
How do you guys do it? I feel my soul dying with every square foot of plastic wrap.
It's best to follow Russian way.
Suffer in silence.
Hey, Mikhail.
Is that as fast as you can go? Hey, you! (Laughs) I'm done! (Grunting) (Panting) We've never finished this fast.
INGRID: It's nice to have fun once in a while.
You know what? I've got an idea.
My fellow workers.
I apologize because I thought all I was gonna have to do was show up and and ride out the day.
I had no idea of the drudgery you guys experience, day-in, day-out.
Is this going somewhere better than where it's at right now? Yes.
What did we learn today? That work is so much easier when we have fun.
So the question is, what do you guys do for fun outside these walls? Come on.
Speak up, don't be shy.
- Yeah.
- (Clears throat) I'm a semi-amateur rollerblader.
Perfect.
Why wouldn't you strap your rollerblades on and get around faster? Who else? - Peggy.
- I'm in a board game league, uh Chutes and Ladders champion.
- Excellent! - (Claps hands) Nice one.
Who else? - I bake desserts from scratch! - Perfect! That's exactly what we need, a good energy boost in the middle of the day.
- Come on, guys.
We can do this! - ALL: Yes! - (Applause) - Bring what you love to work.
DEIRDRE: Evie.
Evie! - Evie! - Yes.
Hi.
Um, present.
Sorry.
We are on the verge of major cutbacks because productivity is down.
And this is your idea of a solution? - (Gasps) - (Exclaims) Your boyfriend is the cause of all this.
Fire him.
Sorry! Hey.
What are you doing? (Grunts) Doing some afternoon yoga.
You can't do yoga at work.
Well, we are so, I think we can.
Okay.
I'm-I'm supposed to be increasing productivity, and you're encouraging people to slack off! Everybody's finished their quotas for the day, so Deirdre is pissed, and told me to fire you, and Wh-Wh What did you say about the quotas? They're finished.
Productivity is up.
Way up.
The new methods implemented in the warehouse have fueled the workers to get the same amount of work done in half the time.
In that case, your boyfriend can stay.
Great.
But tell him and the others that they are no longer expected to fulfill 40 orders an hour.
I want 80.
Effective immediately.
You're doubling their workload? You just showed me I can squeeze more work out of the employees.
Well done.
I don't think that this will go over well.
I'm gonna (sighs) as the young people say, level with you.
For the past year, this warehouse has been five crockpots away from being shut down and merged with the Tacoma branch.
That's not so bad.
Tacoma's only half an hour away.
And Tacoma merged with Guangzhou.
Oh.
That's farther.
If we don't show improvement this quarter and every quarter we will lose our jobs, including you, and more importantly, me.
I had no idea that Cybermart was struggling.
Well, now you do.
Announce the new quotas.
- Are you kidding me? - Look, I know the new quotas will take some getting used to.
We worked really hard to get all our work done for the day.
- We should be rewarded, not punished.
- ALL: Yeah! And m-management really appreciates your productivity.
It's just that the numbers show that your Hey! We're not like that rat you keep in a cage, - Rat Lady! - That's not even my rat! - ALL: Rat Lady! Rat Lady! - What? Hey! - (Distant): Rat Lady! - Kareema.
Can I talk to you? Rat Lady! Rat Lady! Rat Lady! Rat Lady! What's wrong? Rohan saw the sext you sent today.
Oh, God.
Does he know it's me? No, I changed your contact name to a taco emoji.
Ah.
That's good.
Okay.
This is fixable.
No.
It's not.
He knows there's someone else.
The wedding's off, the green card's off.
I'm flying to Venezuela tomorrow night.
No No.
I don't have a choice.
Don't come by my place before I go.
I don't think I could stand saying good-bye again.
(Shouting): Rat Lady! You know, hey! We all have to be professionals about this! We're above this! (Shouting): All right! That's enough.
Stop it.
- This isn't fair.
- Thank you! Look, we came up with solutions to make work life more bearable, right? And management have turned it against us.
- Xavier, what are you doing? - Brothers, it's time we reminded Cybermart the warehouse workers are the heart and the soul of this company and without us, they would literally be nothing.
- Are you with me? - Strike.
ALL: Strike! Strike! Strike! Strike! Strike! T-quila.
You still looking for that big news story? Yeah, I think I'm good.
There's this huge fire at the beef jerky factory - in Olympia.
- Forget that.
Get down here.
Xavier's started a revolution at Cybermart.
He's stirring up the proletariat.
Uh XAVIER: My fellow Cybermart workers! There comes a time in life when you've got to stand up! I'm I don't know, I kind of feel like, in those moments of silence, maybe you could say something encouraging, like, um I don't know, "Huzzah" or Huzzah! Oh, lovely.
We have been plunged into an eternal night of abject servitude! WORKERS: Huzzah! Can we go a bit lower, please? - (Deeper voices): Huzzah.
- No Now is the time that we've got to stand up! So I want all of you to sit down.
You can sit.
Sit down.
All right As of now, we will cease performing any and all duties until our demands have been met! WORKERS: Huzzah! This is the official start of the Cybermart Sit-Down Labor Protest.
- Huzzah! - (Phone alarm chimes) Oh! Oops.
Time for my break.
Excuse me.
(Sighing): Oh, Peggy.
Now.
What are our demands, you may ask? First we will cut back the doubled quotas! I do feel like that deserves a huzzah.
- Oh Huzzah! - Yeah.
Second bring the Cybermart sick days, the vacation days, and the maternity leave policies into line with the industry norm.
Huzzah! Um, Hank Just, you know, as the union rep, am am I on, like, solid ground there? Well, you know, technically my term ended, like, two weeks ago and you are on a scissor lift, but it feels right to me.
Fantastic! Uh anyone else have some ideas? - (Whispering): Oh.
- Anyone? - Me, I got I got something, yeah.
- Oh! Hank.
Hey.
Uh how about a day that's called "I'm just not feeling it today" day where you can you can call in and just be like, (High-pitched): "I ain't feeling it today.
" Right? And then, you can just stay at home, and just do whatever you want.
So, it's kind of like a sick day, but with honesty.
Huzzah! (Siren wailing) Anyone who is not back to work in 15 seconds will be fired.
XAVIER: Hey! No, no.
Hey! You can't fire us.
That's illegal.
As of now, no one's getting paid.
A-As of now, not a single item leaves this warehouse until our demands are met.
This is not my first square dance.
(Laughs) Yeah.
I have no doubt that you've square danced plenty in your time.
- (Forklift beeping) - This war has only just begun.
I need to talk to Xavier.
Cross this line and we'll shred you like pork.
But I love your shoes.
- Thanks.
- XAVIER: Oh, hey.
Have you come to join our side? - No.
- Oh.
Oh.
This is totally out of control.
Look, there's got to be a way to settle this.
There is.
You cave to our demands.
I'm talking about negotiating a reasonable settlement.
There is nothing reasonable about doubling our quotas.
You don't understand the position you're putting me in.
Those people are my friends, but I have to answer to Deirdre.
I don't get the luxury of choosing sides.
(Inhales) Well, there comes a time when you must.
Don't forget, she doubled your workload, too.
TIMOTHY: So, has Deirdre called in her jackbooted thugs yet? She wouldn't do that! I think.
Either way, you're the only one that can vlog the revolution, so future generations will know our struggle (Sniffs) - You smell like barbecue.
- Yeah.
(Phone chimes) - Oh, is that? - Is that - Is it me, or is it? - No.
- We have the same ring.
- We have the same ring.
Yeah.
- Oh, it's me.
- Sounds like the start of a scene from one of her - erotic business thrillers.
- (Scoffing): Oh.
Relax.
Deirdre wouldn't trade on our relationship to gain the upper hand in a work situation.
We just watched a very persuasive animated video about this exact subject.
I may have misread this one.
Please.
Join me I really shouldn't be here.
You know, if somebody sees us, they might get the wrong idea.
There is nothing wrong with two grown adults, who signed all the appropriate HR documents having an innocent conversation.
Oh, wh-what did you want to talk about? I was just wondering if there was anything I could do to change your mind about supporting the protest.
Meet our demands? Or I could just meet your demands.
Perhaps you've earned a few extra sick days.
You have been putting in long hours on my desk.
I think you could use a little extra leisure time.
All you have to do is keep your ears open.
And when you get the chance, report back to me.
Oh, do you want me to spy? I want you to be the real Sebastian Stone.
(Loud march music playing) Hank! Where have you been, man? Oh, I prefer the bathroom on the other side of the warehouse.
More forgiving acoustics.
You're just in time.
- Microwavable Hand Pies.
- Oh Are those the ground beef flavor? - Yeah, that's your favorite, right? - Yeah.
Thanks, man.
Y'all didn't have to do this.
We just wanted to let you know - we appreciate you standing with us.
- Yeah XAVIER: What a guy, eh, everyone? - Let's give it up for Hank.
- (Applause) Microwavable Hand Pies for everybody! (All cheering) - (Evie sighs) - (Loud march music continues) You know what Xavier's problem is? If he doesn't get what he wants when he wants it, he throws a tantrum.
You know, I told him I can't leave work at the drop of a hat to go play with him, and what does he do? He drags the entire warehouse into a pointless strike.
(Loud march music continues) (Shouting): Turn down that music! Roll back our quotas! (Low growling) (March music continues) The thing about Evie is she gets so focused on the task at hand that she forgets the bigger picture.
(Music stops, power winds down) (Snaps fingers) Aha! She'll be ALL: Coming 'round the mountain When she comes She'll be coming 'round the mountain when she comes She'll be coming 'round the mountain She'll be coming 'round the mountain She'll be coming 'round the mountain when she comes - Hour six at the labor protest.
- (Singing continues) Let's check in on some of these working-class heroes, these Cyber-Martyrs, if you will.
Um um (Singing continues) What is the most painful part of this protest for you? The singing.
It's just not very good.
My church choir, they can sing.
They should go on strike.
(Camera whirrs) Uh When she comes she'll be coming 'round - Rats! - (Singing continues) No offense.
Oh, my gosh, that does it.
This ends now! Now! She'll be coming 'round the mountain when she comes She'll be coming 'round the mountain - Guys, shh, guys.
- (Singing dies out) So, has Deirdre caved to our demands yet? No, and she never will.
You have to end the strike.
This isn't a game.
These people could lose their jobs.
Well, you know, maybe that's not a bad thing.
If they've only got six months left to live, they could probably find something more meaningful to do than shuffling around boxes.
You are the most selfish human being I've ever met! You know, you always do this.
You just show up and turn everyone's lives upside down, and then leave before the consequences kick in because the asteroid is coming.
- Come here.
- What? Yeah, it is coming.
And every minute we spend here is a minute wasted.
No, it isn't.
I'm not slaving away at two jobs because I'm a sucker or a drudge or a glutton for punishment.
I'm doing this for CyberHugs, because I want to make a difference.
You have made a difference.
In my life.
Or you did before you sold your every waking moment to a corporation that cares about you far less than I do.
She'll be coming 'round the mountain when she comes.
Well, I've logged five dispatches from the protest, and so far, I have a total of five views.
I could watch them again.
Uh, I'll be right back.
I gotta go to the more geographically inconvenient bathroom.
- The more forgiving acoustics? Yeah.
- Exactly.
She'll be coming 'round the mountain when she comes She'll be coming 'round the mountain when she comes.
I have something to tell you.
Excellent.
What are they planning? Are there any weak links that can be turned to our side? I can't do this.
They're my friends.
I'm your friend, too, and more.
Oh, no, no.
I'm sorry, Deirdre.
Like, I want to be your Sebastian Stone, but only in the bedroom, not the warehouse room.
If you are with them, you are, by definition, against me.
You have to choose.
That's not fair.
Romance, like capitalism, rarely is.
So? (Door opens) (Door closes) EVIE: It's rude to stare.
KAREEMA: If I wasn't so depressed, I'd mock you mercilessly.
What's wrong? Rohan saw the sext I sent and called off the marriage.
Sofia's moving back to Venezuela.
Well, I did warn you it wasn't gonna end well.
Flings hardly ever do.
It wasn't a fling for me.
I love her.
(Gasps) Oh, damn.
I think maybe I do love her.
Well, then, there's a very simple solution to your problem.
Same-sex marriage is legal now.
Why don't you marry Sofia? Because marriage is an antiquated institution rooted in stifling patriarchal traditions and outdated cultural assumptions.
Do you not know me at all? Okay, so marriage isn't your jam, but it sounds like Sofia is, so which one wins? (Sighs) Yes, there are about 20 workers at the sit-in protest.
Well, I'll need at least that many scabs I mean, uh, job-performing units to replace them.
And they need to be large.
You know, like lumberjacks.
You offer lumberjills? Intriguing.
Um, what are you doing? Can you hold a moment? It's called strikebreaking, Evie, and it's as American as apple pie and xenophobia.
How can you even think of doing that? These are your friends.
When they're in that warehouse, they are not my friends.
They are my employees.
Now, I know it may surprise you to hear that the brutal, heartless decisions I have to make every day are not always fun.
They can sometimes be quite crushing, but they're a necessary part of my job.
And when you have been doing the CyberHugs job for a while, and you've cut funding for a few needy charities, you'll understand.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm picking my scabs.
Let's go with an assortment of Jacks and Jills.
Only your heartiest.
And, yes, dawn, that's perfect.
- ALL (Chanting): Nam-myoho-renge-kyo - MIKHAIL: Stop.
Stop! Stop.
Our corporate enemy, the Deirdre, is calling in our replacements.
She's bringing in scabs? Da.
Da.
They arrive at dawn.
41 minutes.
(Shouting): Let's kill them! - XAVIER: No.
Guys! - (All cheering, shouting) Yo! Guys! No! When the brutal arm of corporate dominance confronts us at dawn, they will not see a crazed mob, but a brotherhood of crazed individuals.
A Russian bodybuilder named Mikhail, a mother of three named Peggy, a baker named Ingrid.
A guy named - Harrison.
- Harrison! Look, the point is we're just people.
We're not numerical figures on a page.
We've gotta remind them who we really are, so just think about that when you go back to your meditations.
Namaste, everyone.
Hey, mate, you're from New Zealand, aren't you? Yeah.
I had a mate from Auckland, growing up.
He taught me this dance.
XAVIER: So I hear you're spreading news of our struggle to the outside world.
Yeah, I'm I'm trying.
ImPropaganda wants a story with blood and sweat, but all I've got is stomach acid.
Just like Evie.
Beating your brains out for something that makes you miserable.
This coming from the guy who's been here one day and already wants to change the whole company? Yeah.
I've gone native.
Maybe you should, too.
What do you mean? If the magazine wants blood and guts, then why don't you give it to them? Eh? Join us.
When those doors open, and we meet our final fate, you'll be here with us, risking it all, living every brutal moment.
And broadcasting it live to the rest of the world.
I will seriously consider it.
What's going on over there? EVIE: I think they know that Deirdre's bringing in scabs.
Do you ever get the feeling that you're stuck, and every possible move you have is doomed to blow up in your face? Yep.
Where are you going? To contradict everything I ever thought I stood for.
Wish me luck.
Get some sleep.
You look paler than that girl from iZombie.
She's a zombie.
Okay, Deirdre is replacing everyone in 38 minutes.
I've got to figure out a way to stop it.
I need a plan.
DEEP VOICE: Hello, Evie.
It's me, Socrates.
Wow.
How am I hearing you right now? I'm speaking into your mind.
Hank was right, all rats are telepathic.
You couldn't hear me earlier because, just like everyone else here, we've been talking past each other.
(Slurping sounds) What you need to do is change your perspective.
Put yourself in my place.
Do you think I like this cage? (Whimpers) (Whimpering) (Screaming) (Panting, workers booing in the distance) Ah.
(Booing continues) (Oliver yelling in Maori) (Yelling in Maori) - (Workers grunt in unison) - What the fig? - (Workers chanting in Maori) - Bullets may not be flying here at Cybermart, (chuckles) but the stakes could not be higher, as the everyman worker valiantly pits the power of the collective against the jackbooted forces of corporate America.
Refusing to be phased-out or knocked down.
Oh, good Lord! Ow.
(Chanting continues) I insist you stop this flagrant display of cultural identity theft at once! - This dance is called a haka.
- Yeah.
And it's a celebration of the triumph of life over death.
Yeah, well, whatever it is, it bothers my scabs.
Advance! (Workers grunt) Oh, my God, they're bringing in the Tacoma branch.
You think this is gonna make a difference? You call in 100 more protestors, I will call in 200 more scabs! Then we'll just call in the Olympia branch.
- Then I'll call in your - Everyone stop! The reason we can't find a common ground is because nobody has bothered to think about what it's like to be the other guy.
Deirdre! You have no idea what it's like to work in the warehouse.
And you guys, you don't know how it feels to keep this place afloat, even for a day.
So I have an idea.
Let's give you all a change in perspective.
This is the Evie-est idea you've ever had.
Until management and floor workers trade places, they'll never understand the other's point of view.
So if I perform this menial task, one of them will shoulder the nerve-shattering responsibility of my job? - That's right.
- (Chuckles) Any takers? Peggy.
All right, time to get firing.
(Machine whirs, scanner beeps) (Alarm buzzes) (Shattering) - Uh uh uh - (Alarm buzzes) Hey, how's the ankle, T-house? Oh, it feels a lot better after the first half a million views.
- Oh! - Oh! (Laughs) Yeah, that's what I'm talking about! ImPropaganda's gonna be all over you, man.
(Phone chimes) Speak of the flannel-wearing devil herself.
You got the Finger.
- MARLO: Bro! - Bro.
Your vlog is blowing up.
This is beyond viral.
This is nuclear.
You're radioactive.
I need your radioactivity, bro.
Well, look out because I got all the strontium-90 you could want.
Come by the office, sign the contract.
We'll soak in the foam and bust a moby.
23 skidoo.
(Phone clicks off) What is "bust a moby"? What is "23 skidoo"? (Shuddering) That was excruciating.
I have stared into the abyss (Papers slam on table) And the abyss has stared into me.
So, do we have a better understanding of each other? Perhaps the new quotas were a bit ambitious.
How about a 50% increase in quotas, and we get to keep the fun new methods that actually help productivity? Especially Peggy's chutes and ladders.
And we insist on the "I'm not really feeling it today" days.
Oh, yeah, I accept.
- It seems we have an accord.
- Great.
- If - If? you agree to sell the rights to your Nap Sacks.
Evidently, Web videos of your protest went virulent.
Cory Casey noticed your sack.
He wants to get his hands on it.
Are you amenable to the terms? Y-yeah, quite vehemently, apparently.
And I hereby resign from the warehouse.
Thank you for the experience.
EVIE: There's one last thing.
I can't do two jobs.
It's not reasonable or fair.
You have to find a new quality control manager.
I'm sorry I-I called you selfish.
Look, I'm sorry that I said you had your head up your butt.
You never said that.
Well, not to your face because it was up your butt.
(Laughs) Seriously, I do, I do want to apologize.
I think maybe I went a bit, um overboard with the protest.
- I just, uh - You got caught up in your job? I know the feeling.
Look, I just want to spend as much time with you as possible.
That's why I came here in the first place, and I well, I just feel like I m-made things worse.
Yes, you-you definitely did.
But you also helped me realize that, no matter how much I care about my job, I don't want to sacrifice the rest of my life for it.
And because you stood up for the workers' rights, I finally stood up for my own.
But I never, ever want to hear "She'll Be Comin' 'Round the Mountain" again.
- Like ever.
Never.
(Shudders) - Yeah.
- I'll zip pop it in a yeah.
- Pfft.
So maybe we should, um you know make up for lost time.
(Gasps) Yeah, let me just grab my rat.
One second.
Yeah.
She'll be riding six white horses when she Don't you dare! I have some very good news for you, Hank.
I'm promoting you to quality control manager.
Oh, but that job has the word "manager" in it.
That's right.
Congratulations.
This means more money and more responsibility.
You deserve it.
(Chuckles) Thank you.
So so you're not mad at me? No, Hank.
You simply calculated that the teeming masses were more important than me.
You are, therefore, no longer my boyfriend.
I told you, I had to stand by my people.
And in doing so, you didn't stand by me.
You're a good employee, but you are not a good boyfriend.
A good boyfriend has your back, no matter what.
Look, Deirdre, I'm sorry, okay? That is all.
So, that's it? You're just gonna hand me a piece of paper and that's it? That is all.
(Distant siren wailing) I told you not to come.
Yeah, um, I know.
But this is important and I can't let you leave without saying what I have to say.
Really? The nihilist suddenly goes sentimental on me? Yeah, well, even a nihilist has to appreciate the poetic way the universe came up with to punk me.
Falling for you? Never saw it coming.
But, now that it has, I'd kind of like to see where it goes.
Me, too, but Then let's do this.
Sofia Letícia Fernandes, will you marry me? I-I know.
I-It's gonna be messy, and I got to figure out a way to tell Rohan.
But if we don't tie the knot, then we never get to have that third date.
And I was really looking forward to it.
We're doing things way out of order.
Yeah, well, convention's overrated.
(Laughs) A nipple ring? Matches mine.
(Laughs) - - (Socrates squeaking) Socrates looks so happy.
So do you.
Hey, are you sure you're not gonna get in trouble for missing work? Nope.
I just wasn't feeling it today.
Hey, come here.
Mwah!