Nobody Wants This (2024) s01e08 Episode Script

1
[funky music playing]
[sighs]
[funky music continues]
I'm so obsessed with your ex ♪
I know she's been asleep
On my side of your bed ♪
[Joanne] Stop looking at me like that.
Don't do it, Joanne.
[Noah] Hey, I'm home!
[funky music continues]
[Noah] Okay. What do we think?
Blue? Beige?
[music stops]
- [Noah] Joanne?
- What?
Which sweater?
Member of the congregation
accused me of "nipping out,"
so it's sweaters until I die.
Uh, well, that's their loss,
um, but definitely blue. [clicks tongue]
[Noah] Know what I don't get
about nipples?
You would think when it's cold,
it would go in instead of out.
I'm so sorry.
We have to talk about the box.
- What?
- [Joanne] The box.
The Rebecca box.
It's been staring at me
for six straight days.
That's almost a week.
And, obviously, I wanted to look inside.
Normally, I would have, but I didn't.
I guess I would like some credit
for how mature I've become.
Yes, right.
That box.
I'm sorry for having
a box of her stuff around.
So what's exactly in it?
Like, what are we talking?
Like, curling irons?
Or love letters? Or tasteful nudes?
No, don't. Don't even tell me.
You know what, Noah?
I don't need to know.
Honestly, it's just some stuff
I felt bad getting rid of, but I also
I didn't wanna reach out to her
to return it.
That makes sense.
God, we're such adults.
Look at us. Especially me.
Yeah, yeah, especially you.
I'm glad you brought it up.
It's time I got it outta here.
I love that.
And we can just donate it or burn it or
- I'll figure it out.
- Right.
Burn it, I think.
[buoyant music playing]
[music fades]
[knocking at door]
- [Rabbi Cohen] Noah?
- [Noah] Come on in.
Noah, I have
a nonwork-related question for you.
All right.
[exhales] Is it Zen-day-a
or "Zen-dye-a"?
"Zen-dye-a"?
That's what I thought,
but my granddaughter told me
it is Zen-day-a.
- What do you know?
- [Cohen] Now to the work-related question.
What are you doing for the next 20 years?
Oh wow! Coming in
with the big questions this morning.
I don't know. Let me check my calendar.
My wife has been
gently asking me to retire.
And now that she's asking me
in a more threatening way,
I think it's time.
Oh my God!
What's the temple gonna do without you?
- Probably suffer.
- [Noah chuckles]
But that's what we do best.
- Noah.
- Yeah?
I want you to be my replacement.
Head rabbi?
It can't come as a surprise.
Rabbi, this is my dream.
- I Thank you. Thank you.
- [Cohen] Okay.
- Cool your jets.
- Okay, okay, okay.
Because there are a lot of rules
that come with this job.
- There's no pork.
- Of course.
- [Cohen] No shellfish.
- Never.
[Cohen] And maybe I'm wrong,
but from what I heard,
I think I'm looking at a rabbi who
has suddenly realized
that he likes a nice blonde crab cake.
Yes. I'm sorry.
I should've told you earlier.
Look, if our congregation
sees its head rabbi eat a crab cake
Everyone starts eating crab cakes.
Well, no. I was going to say
everyone marries a goy,
then there are no more Jewish children,
and then our people become extinct.
Oh, that.
What we got here?
- Hmm. I see.
- Rabbi, I really like her.
That's good.
Then maybe you could show her
what Judaism is about.
But start with the fun stuff.
- Do not let her try gefilte fish.
- Okay.
I mean, I actually like it,
but I I get it.
I have to make my recommendation
to the board next week,
so just let me know
if you want me to put you up for it.
Your personal life will come into account.
That's just the way these things are.
Okay. Understood.
If you're interested
in making your life a little easier
and ending up with a Jewish girl,
my daughter's getting divorced.
The pretty one.
Looks just like me.
I mean, just think about it.
I'll think about it.
[Joanne] I also wanna be mature,
so I'm not gonna look
Okay.
I think you've been a whole new
Thank you. Oh, my God. No.
Morgan, absolutely not.
Do not open that box.
Noah and I are in a trusting,
mature relationship, and it's evolved
You shouldn't have told me about the box
if you didn't think I was gonna
show up here and open the box.
[huffs] Morgan, that is
a huge invasion of privacy.
[Morgan] Mm-hmm.
Wow.
- Hand me that brush.
- Yes.
She is gorgeous.
They look really good together.
- [groans] You had to bring Mom?
- She was in the car when you texted.
Ooh! She's a light-flow girl.
How is that a productive comment?
- Come on.
- Putting it back.
What is this?
He has a mold of her baby foot.
- That's so romantic.
- No, it's not.
I hope we find something more juicy
so we can talk about it on the podcast.
Mm. Mm-mm. No.
- What?
- We can't talk about this on the podcast.
You don't even care
about the podcast anymore?
Of course I care about the podcast.
I just miss us being
the slutty single sisters.
Since you started dating this guy,
you're changing
every single thing about yourself.
- I have not.
- "Oh my God! He didn't text me back."
"Oh my God. I hope his friends like me.
Oh my God. I love basketball."
- I'd never say that.
- You did.
Yeah, often.
Listen, the Joanne that I know
would never pretend
to like something for a guy.
She wouldn't protect her boyfriend
at the cost of our podcast.
She would be balls-deep in this box
without any shame.
You know,
we used to make fun of girls like you.
What you're describing
is growth and maturity.
See, I think what I'm describing
is, um, desperate.
Someone died very violently in this home.
- Hmm.
- What?
Yeah. [exhales]
That's a chilly feeling.
Hey, if you become head rabbi,
do you get a shoe deal?
No.
What are you busting out
all the weird-ass candles for?
I need you guys to come over
for havdalah, okay?
I wanna show Joanne
something really cool about being Jewish.
Oh, for real? I love havdalah.
Right, me too.
Havdalah is seriously slept on.
- I completely agree.
- Yeah.
That's the dessert with the custard.
No, it's the ceremony to mark
the end of Shabbat with the three stars.
You light the candle.
You smell the spices.
Nothing? It'll come back to you.
I don't think we've ever done that before.
What's going on with you?
Uh
I have a crab issue.
All right, well, take some antibiotics,
and make sure you shave everything.
It's not that big a deal.
What I mean is, uh,
Cohen found out about Joanne.
I'm starting to freak out.
Oh shit. I'm doing the math.
You can't become head rabbi
if you have a shiksa as a girlfriend.
Nope.
What does the shiksa think?
She's being really cool about it.
Mostly 'cause she doesn't know about it.
I think maybe it is the time to ask her
if she'd ever consider converting.
Have you never talked about the big C?
That's cancer. No, I haven't.
I want to. I just need it to be perfect.
So help me at dinner and make being Jewish
seem really, really awesome, okay?
Wait, so basically, you're asking me
to, like, soft-launch Judaism.
I want you to close it for me.
Hell yeah!
[upbeat music playing]
[Esther] It's the cutest thing
I've ever seen.
Oh my God. I look like
a gross, old grandma. No offense, bubbe.
No offense taken.
And you should be so lucky
to look as good as me.
I can wear any dress. Everyone knows this.
You know, I don't hate it.
- Doesn't hate it.
- That's a step.
I just hate the style.
And the fabric. And the color.
Okay, Miri, it goes perfectly
with your theme, babe.
Oh, right. And I hate the theme.
Sweetheart, listen to me.
"Miriam takes a bite of the Big Apple."
That is a perfect theme.
[Esther] It's a perfect theme.
- We're not having this conversation again.
- [Miriam] No. I'm out.
I have to finish the hem.
I'm sorry, but just because
her friends dress like tiny sex workers
and their themes are, like, Magic Mike,
does not make it okay.
So my theme
was famous historical female figures,
and it was awesome
because you got to learn and have fun.
Thank God you're pretty.
Thanks. Should we get dinner tonight?
We should, and we will,
but we can't tonight because
Don't tell me you're
getting dinner with her.
No, I'm not getting dinner with her.
- I'm being forced to get dinner with her.
- You were forced
And Noah.
- Right.
- Oh, sounds like a double date.
- It's not a double date.
- Really?
It's like a dumb, boring dinner.
Babes, I don't even wanna go.
- But you are, and I'm being replaced.
- You are not.
- Stop that.
- Everybody knows shiksas are for practice.
But this is starting
to feel like more than practice.
- Babe
- Listen to me.
Yeah?
[whispers] Mark my words.
He misses you.
I can feel it.
He will see you at the bat mitzvah,
and he will come to his senses.
Don't wear your hair up, okay?
Okay.
[Esther] Yeah. That was nice.
- Do you feel a little better?
- [Rebecca] No.
[cell phone chimes]
- My God! It's Noah. He wants to meet up.
- I told you she's a witch. Let me see.
[upbeat music playing]
[cell phone rings]
What up?
[Morgan] Hi.
I'm just bored,
waiting for some food, so
Sorry. Can you tilt your camera down?
Sorry, what are you wearing? [laughs]
Are you going to church?
Why are you dressed like that?
What? We're hosting a dinner.
Mm, hosting dinner in a dress.
Are you wearing that for Noah
or for his bitchy sister-in-law
who refuses to text you back?
Uh, maybe I just wanted to look nice?
God, you've gone full Stepford wife.
No, no, no. You're right.
You know, you haven't changed a bit.
Okay, I hear you. Fuck!
[sighs] I guess I could be done
trying to impress Esther,
and I should probably
stop bending over backwards
to get everyone to like me.
And?
And I should stop pretending
to like basketball.
Thank you. Finally. Okay.
Well, have fun. You should probably
change out of that Amish outfit.
[cell phone beeps]
[exhales]
[clears throat]
[intriguing music playing]
- Hey, you changed. I liked the dress.
- Yeah.
Ah, this just felt more me.
Okay. Well, I like you either way.
And you know who enjoys being cozy
more than anyone?
- Hmm?
- Jews.
[Esther] This is gonna be insufferable.
She tries so hard with me.
It's just exhausting.
Hey, babe, I love you. You're my queen.
[doorbell chimes]
But I have committed
to being super hyped on tonight,
so even if it feels like a betrayal,
you're on your own.
Hey, you look really nice.
Wow.
No, I already hit the but
- Yeah, I saw.
- [doorbell chimes]
- Well, now it's too much.
- [Noah] It's open.
[door opens]
Hello. Welcome, welcome.
[Noah] Hey.
I see no one else decided
to go cas tonight.
Probably the only one
in an elastic waistband.
- Hello, Sasha.
- [Sasha] Hi.
I wanted to go elastic,
but Esther wouldn't let me.
- Well, your sweats are gross.
- What up, bitch? [chuckles]
- [Noah] Grapes.
- Oh
What up, bitch?
Uh, this is Miriam.
Hi, Miriam. I'm Joanne.
I hear you are
your uncle's favorite niece.
Oh, yeah. Um, I'm his only niece.
Oh, well, still,
way to edge out the competition.
You're funny.
I wish I was wearing sweats right now.
Do you wanna borrow a pair?
I feel we're the exact same size.
Oh, I think she's good. Thank you though.
You're very welcome.
Uh, should we head to the couch?
Sit soft before we eat?
- [Sasha] Sure.
- Or not.
Whatever you want. Do your thing, girl.
Cool.
- Noah, can I have a glass of wine?
- [Noah] Sure.
Um, actually, you know what?
Could I have my food for here
just while it's still hot?
And, um, could I have
a glass of Merlot, please?
I'm sorry. I don't mean to interrupt.
I just haven't seen anyone
read a book in public in, like, a decade.
- [Rebecca] Oh.
- Is that real or is that a prop?
Yeah, it's real.
It's Where the Crawdad Sings.
It's Reese's Book Club.
I needed to get out of the house.
I figured this was better
than staring at my phone.
Very impressive.
You know, I aspire
to that kind of self-control, so chee
Oh. Wait, you don't have a drink.
Can I convince you to have a glass of wine
just so I don't feel weird drinking alone?
Yeah, you know what? You can. I, uh
Honestly, I've had a day,
so probably a glass of wine
would help me get my mind off of it.
- Right.
- [Rebecca sighs]
I, um, saw my ex today.
Oh
Excuse me. Could we get a glass
for her as well, please? Thank you.
I'm Rebecca.
Oh, it's so nice to meet you.
I'm Julie. [chuckles]
- [Rebecca] Nice to meet you, Julie.
- Okay, so
Tell me more about seeing your ex.
And don't skip anything.
You gotta get that stuff off your chest.
All right?
- Yeah.
- [Morgan] And cheers.
- Cheers.
- [Morgan] Here we go.
Here we go.
It's embarrassing!
I've never even been to New York, okay?
Sami's bat mitzvah theme was Euphoria.
They had candy pills on the dessert table.
Okay, that's not okay.
Whoa, Sami sounds like a party!
- No. No
- See? Joanne gets it.
Okay, I'm not having
this conversation again, Miriam.
We have to do it to make your bubbe happy.
She's not gonna be alive much longer.
So if she dies before,
we can change the theme?
Yes, that's a good compromise.
- Miriam.
- Okay. Miriam, if I'm being real
- Oh God.
- [Joanne] Um
I think a New York theme is chic,
you know? It's, like, fashion.
It's Broadway. It's SNL.
Yeah, it's, uh, hot dogs. It's pizza.
It's, uh, hookers in Times Square.
- It's not about the theme.
- It's New York. They got the giant rats.
It's definitely not about the theme.
A bat mitzvah is
a very, very important rite of passage,
and it's about standing on the shoulders
of powerful Jewish matriarchs
like Leah and Ruth.
You know, Ruth didn't start out as a Jew,
but we love her.
Wow, Ruth got it done.
- She did.
- [Sasha] Mm-hmm.
- Okay.
- Cool.
Joanne, you think the theme is cool?
Um, I think
that New York
is the sexiest city in the world.
Uh
I think you gotta lean in.
You know, I can do fashion.
I can do all that. Minus the rats.
I guess it is cool.
Thank you.
She's been fighting me on this one
for over a year, so
- Told you it was cool.
- Hey, it looks like the sun set.
Should we all go outside for havdalah?
Oh, I think I'd rather do homework.
- Come on.
- [Esther] Look at you! All right, honey.
- [Sasha] Okay. Love that.
- [Esther] I'm looking at the stars.
- Coming?
- Yeah, sounds really fun.
But also, you should know
I don't like basketball.
Okay, noted.
Uh, there's no basketball involved.
Okay.
[upbeat music playing]
Remind me what happens
when we see the third star again.
Uh, it means that Shabbat
is officially over, and night has begun.
- [Joanne] Mm.
- It's a way we welcome the week ahead.
Also means that
we can turn our phones back on.
But I would just ease into it.
I would ease into that.
Okay.
- First star! First star! I saw it.
- Oh! Excellent. It's a low one.
Why are we doing this again?
Because it's a super unique thing
for our people, my curious little angel.
Okay.
- There's the second.
- Where?
Right up there.
- [sighs] No fair.
- No fair. Oh. [chuckles]
This is really peaceful.
Thank you for sharing this with me.
I love sharing
this part of my life with you.
- And I love how into it you are.
- [Joanne chuckles]
- Oh! I think a bug just went in my eye.
- Oh.
No bugs in the house.
Yeah, yeah. We should go inside
because I think
we can see the stars better from in there.
[Esther] Oh, of course.
The beautiful inside stars.
[Joanne] You should stop looking
because I'm gonna find it.
- Don't even bother.
- It finds you, if you know what I mean.
Then it's gonna find me.
And you know what? I'm gonna document it.
- Really?
- Yeah.
You said I could be on my phone
after dinner.
- Follow your heart, follow your heart.
- [Joanne laughs] Okay.
Uh Just You know what?
I have to do one thing.
- Give me one second.
- Okay.
I'll be right back.
- [Noah] Ease into it.
- Yep.
[Morgan] Okay. I got a lot of info.
None of it's good.
Rebecca and Noah have been talking a lot.
He's in a relationship,
but it's, quote, not that serious.
And today was really emotional for them
because he returned the box.
- [scoffs] There's no way that's true.
- [Noah] Oh! Third star.
Ding, ding, ding.
You know what?
I just need one more second.
[Noah] Okay.
Hey, is she Jewish yet?
Don't tell my parents I'm watching TV.
Okay.
[Miriam] Oh, wait.
Can you look at my bat mitzvah dress?
Is it embarrassingly long?
Oof. Yes.
My mom won't let me shorten it.
That's what scissors are for.
You're so fucking cool.
Don't tell my parents I said "fucking."
I know I am. And I won't.
[Joanne exhales]
[poignant music playing]
[sighs]
[Noah] Hey.
Where'd you go?
Are you talking to Rebecca behind my back?
What?
The box.
You gave it to her, right?
- Yeah, I thought you wanted me to.
- Have you been texting with her?
No. I mean, I texted her
that I was gonna drop it off at 4:00,
and she liked it.
So I I guess technically?
- That's it?
- Yes.
- You haven't been checking in and
- No.
commiserating about
how much you guys miss each other
- What?
- saying you're in a relationship with me
that, I quote, "is not that serious?"
Of course not.
I I just I don't
Now I don't know what to believe.
Why not? I would never do that.
Does that sound
If you don't believe me I mean
- Here.
- You want me to go through your phone?
- I do. I have nothing to hide. Please.
- Great. Good. What's your passcode?
Jeez.
[Joanne sighs]
I don't wanna look. [sighs]
Thank God. Because I record myself
practicing sermons sometimes.
You can look if you want to,
but, you know, they're a work in progress.
In all my past relationships,
I would have looked.
Okay.
But I really want
to be different with you.
And I trust you.
- I trust you.
- [Joanne] I
- You shouldn't.
- [Noah] What? Why?
'Cause
I I looked in the box after you left.
I said I wasn't going to, and I did.
Okay.
- And I'm sorry.
- Hey. Hey, hey.
That's okay. I get it.
The box was just sitting there.
How could you not be curious?
I know it's not the right time,
but I would love to circle back
to what that baby foot was all about.
- Oh yeah, that's creepy as fuck.
- Yeah.
[gentle music playing]
I'm sorry.
- [Joanne sighs]
- Come here.
God, for everything
Someone just got in my head.
[Noah] Who?
Morgan!
Morgan, open the door!
Jesus! Are you about to shit yourself?
What the hell?
- I just talked to Noah.
- Okay.
[Joanne] You lied to me.
He has not been texting with Rebecca.
[scoffs] Oh, weird. The guy that
you're dating is denying texting his ex.
Wow. Problem solved, I guess.
Noah is not like that.
And I think you know it.
Oh my God. Do you have any idea
how delusional you sound?
Okay. Joanne, listen.
I know that you're hurting.
But Rebecca told me all of this herself.
Okay? I don't know what
I don't believe you.
- Maybe she lied.
- Oh my God.
That is such a reach, Morgan.
You told me she didn't know who you were.
- She didn't.
- Why would she lie?
No. You just want Noah gone
because you've never been supportive
of this relationship.
- It's a ridiculous relationship.
- [Joanne] Oh my God.
That does not mean I'm making this up.
I can't believe you're trusting
some random guy's word over mine.
- Noah is not a random guy, okay? What?
- [laughs] Right.
You want me to be sad and alone
because that's better for you.
Sorry you're the only slutty sister
left on the podcast.
No. I'm the only self-aware sister
left on the podcast, okay?
You are changing everything about yourself
for this guy.
Honestly, Joanne, it's pathetic
Stop saying that.
- Okay?
- It is.
- This is not about me and Noah!
- [Morgan] Okay.
He doesn't want me to change.
This is about you feeling left behind
because I am finally
in a healthy relationship, okay?
And you are still
on desperate dating apps,
so excited that you're matching
with a cater waiter named Broyden.
You know what?
In six months, when you're back
on the "desperate dating apps"
because Noah dumped you
so he could marry Rebecca,
you're gonna remember this
and it's gonna be humiliating.
Honestly, I can't wait.
- Fuck you.
- No, fuck you!
I can't believe you're choosing some guy
over your own sister.
- Believe it.
- [Morgan] Okay, great. Grow up.
Oh, and FYI,
Rebecca is much prettier in person.
- It's not a filter. She has zero pores!
- Shut up.
Fucking bitch.
[tender music playing]
[sighs]
[Noah] Hey.
You okay?
I don't know.
Everything just seems so fucked up.
With me?
Oh my God, no.
You're, like, the one thing
I'm 100% sure about.
Um
- Have you passed away?
- Sorry.
Now would be a great time for you
to say you're 100% sure about me too.
Sorry. Honestly, I, uh
I've been a little distracted,
and, um, I apologize.
Um
Had something important weighing on me,
and I [clears throat]
wanted to talk to you about it.
Um
I'm very anxious now,
so if you could just say it.
Yeah, sure, okay. Um [clears throat]
With this potential new job,
I've had to think about my future a lot.
And the reality is
if I'm gonna spend my life with someone
I you know, I need them to be Jewish.
Are you breaking up with me?
No.
Joanne, I want to be with you.
You want to be with me?
Yes.
Okay, but I feel like there's a "but."
But, um,
I have to ask you
would you ever consider converting?
Oh.
Um
I
Well, what happens if I say no?
I don't know.
How could it all fall in one day? ♪
Were we too sure of the sun? ♪
If you need to, keep time on me ♪
If you need to, keep time on me ♪
Who knows what state is in store? ♪
If they all turn, will you run? ♪
If you need to, keep ♪