Not Dead Yet (2023) s01e08 Episode Script

1
Someone someone help
me! I'm trapped in a well!
And the waters are rising!
And I'm still in love
with Zane! [CRYING]
Wait, what? No, no! It's over?
ANNOUNCER: Like waves of emotions,
so are "The Tides of Our Days."
Ugh, I need to know how
you get out of the well.
Ooh, and when are you gonna find out
that Zane killed your sister?
I always knew, darling.
I helped him.
You're so bad.
Oh, I love this research
for this obituary.
Usually, I'm just Googling to make sure
- they don't have a secret second family.
- [KNOCK ON DOOR, DOOR OPENS]
- EDWARD: Can I come in?
- Hello.
Uh, not really a fair question
when you're already in.
I want to make sure you
remember to take out the trash
and put your dishes away
and compost your pistachio shells,
and please, if you're
gonna steal my toothpaste,
squeeze from the bottom instead
of the middle, like a carny.
The gall! I love him.
[LOWERED VOICE] Also, I I need you
to hold onto a few things for me.
Uh, you know, usually, when
you ask someone for a favor,
you don't berate them first.
Fair, but my girlfriend Charlotte
- is coming to visit from San Diego
- [GASPS]
and I need to make room for her.
I'm finally gonna meet Charlotte?
Ooh, the girlfriend's coming.
Oh, classic complication.
I wonder if she's gonna
be a complete nightmare
or a jealous vixen.
Or a sleepwalking serial killer
that just got out of a coma.
- Season 23!
- Season 23!
Mm.
- Whoa, another one?
- Yeah.
Listen, this is the first time
she's ever been in my space,
and I just need
everything to be perfect.
Wait, she seriously has
never been here before?
No, I go there every weekend
from Friday at 6:00 till Sunday at 4:00,
which is the perfect amount of time
for hiking, tacos, and sex.
[CHUCKLES] Multiple times.
- Can you please stop?
- Oh, go on.
We're kind of at a make
it or break it point
- in our relationship
- Mm.
and I think if things go well,
she might move in with us.
- Okay, have a nice day.
- [GASPS]
Wait Wait uh
- Did he just say "move in with us"?
- Yes!
He just let it hang in the air,
like he was begging you to come back
- after the opening credits.
- [DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]
[♪]
I just can't imagine what
this girlfriend's like.
I mean, if Edward has 30 rules for you,
imagine how many he has for her.
Oh, yeah, but what if
she's just like him?
- Mm.
- You know, I I just
I can't imagine living with two Edwards.
That's like living with
- two Edwards.
- Mm.
I have so many questions.
Like, who uproots their
entire life for a guy
that's she's only known
for, like, a few months?
Mm! Who would do that?
Phillip? Come on.
No. That was for love.
This is for Edward.
Mm-hmm.
- Hey, Cricket
- Mm?
is throwing a trivia
night at her wine bar
- Mm. Mnh.
- so you should come,
because the winner gets
a free wine tasting.
No, no, no, you have to
take that down right now,
because if Lexi sees this,
she's gonna want to play,
and then her competitive
streak will come out.
- Oh.
- When we podded together,
game nights were the absolute worst
because she hates to lose.
- I'm right behind you, aren't I?
- Oh!
[CHUCKLING] Hi.
- Hiii.
- Mm.
We're just in here talkin'
about break room stuff
- with, uh, this one.
- Mm-hmm.
- Like cream cheese.
- Mm.
- It is, like, so thick.
- She's a fiend.
So I see a little trivia night flyer?
Because count me in.
That sounds fun.
Sam, you want to be teammates?
I call Sam!
Okay, great. You do that.
I'm gonna go somewhere else.
- Oh, Sam.
- Noooo.
- Saaaaaam
- No.
We said no more game nights, okay?
Keith and I are still finding
Scrabble tiles in my bushes,
and I'm pretty sure there's a
"V" still clogging our toilet.
That was the pandemic.
We were all on edge.
- This'll be fun.
- [SCOFFS]
What'll be fun?
Trivia night at Cricket's.
Oooh, yeah, that does sound fun.
Should I be the leader? No,
you're right. That's Lexi.
Look, you're always
telling me I need to do more
"regular people" things,
like "not wearing driving gloves"
or "drinking from a can."
I love you, but I'm sorry.
My therapist said I have to
establish healthy boundaries,
and so the answer is no.
I'm gonna take that as a maybe, Sam Sam.
[♪]
Your obituary is gonna
be as fabulous as you are.
- Oh!
- Three ex-husbands.
- Oh.
- One wife.
And you still had time
to tour with the Osmonds?
I'm just so excited to
have my entire story told.
- [BOTH GASP]
- Are you gasping at what I'm gasping at?
The girlfriend is here, ready
for her dramatic entrance.
[♪]
Hi. You must be Nell. I'm Charlotte.
I'm so excited to finally meet you!
Yeah, yeah. I'm excited
to finally meet you, too.
- [CHUCKLES]
- She looks sweet, but who knows
what's going on under the surface.
Ask her if that's her real nose.
So, like, just, like, tell
me everything about yourself.
I mean, is there, like, a specific way
you like to organize your spices
or how you like your
toothpaste squeezed?
- No, I am very average. Yeah.
- Oh.
I I love the beach and
hiking with Edward and
Oh, I love baking.
- I just made these.
- Oh.
They're Edward's favorite
chocolate chip skillet cookies
with a hint of cinnamon
and a sprinkle of doobie.
[LAUGHS] I got the recipe
from his Aunt Helen.
- Not the doobie part.
- [CHUCKLING] Oh, right.
Oh, whoa.
[♪]
Is uh
I Whew.
I see that you really put
the work in. [CHUCKLES]
I think that maybe we should
clean some of this up
before Edward gets
- [DOOR OPENS]
- Aah!
Hey, handsome.
Hey, gorgeous.
- [SIGHS]
- Oh.
- Mm.
- Oh. My. God.
I know.
Here come the fireworks!
You made my favorite cookies.
What?
- Mmm! These are incredible.
- [CHUCKLES]
Nell you gotta try these.
Yeah. That That is,
um, pretty incredible.
[CHUCKLES] I'm sorry,
what are those toes?
Charlotte got these
awesome mandals for me.
- But you hate toes.
- I hate your toes.
Eddie, be nice.
You're right, baby.
Nell, I think your toes are fantastic.
Thank you, Eddie.
- Let's get out of here.
- Okay.
[WHISPERING] He's like a
totally different person.
It's like your roommate's been
taken over by an evil twin.
Let's put this theory to the test.
Hey, Eddie, I'm gonna
grab one of these cookies,
but, eh, I don't have a napkin,
so crumbs might go everywhere!
EDDIE: Do your thing, girl.
Whoever he is, I hope he stays.
Cool. Cool, cool!
Nope. I'm dead.
Oh. Oh!
[LAUGHS] This is awesome.
Yeah, you never want to watch
"Extreme Packrat" with me.
Are you kidding?
I love when people keep
their urine in jars.
- Oh.
- Mm!
Speaking of, I have to
use the little girls jar.
[LAUGHS] Can you pause it for me?
Yeah, I can turn it off.
I can guess how this ends.
- [TELEVISION SHUTS OFF]
- She gets her life together
and goes to her daughter's wedding.
[CHUCKLES]
[BREATHES DEEPLY]
[♪]
Ah! [LAUGHS]
There he is.
[♪]
- No. Don't you No!
- [MOTOR WHIRRING]
Get No!
Stop it! I wanted to eat those crumbs!
- [WHIRRING SLOWS, STOPS]
- [LOWERED VOICE] I like Charlotte.
She's kind and she's smart
and she's thoughtful
she's always making my favorite cookies.
I totally agree. Charlotte is great.
There are some other pressing issues.
She's soaking the cast-iron
skillets in the water.
I can hear them oxidizing from here.
So, why don't you just tell
her? It's not that big of a deal.
- You're right.
- Mm.
- Will you do it?
- Huh?
Just tell her how to clean the pans,
and to always use coasters,
and to turn off the water
when she's brushing her teeth.
You want me to be the you?
Yes. Be the me.
I don't want to scare
her off with all my
I mean, they're totally
reasonable requests, but
- Mm.
- I want this to work.
Nell.
- Mm?
- Fine. Yeah.
I'll be the you.
But if Charlotte moves in,
- I want rent split three ways, not two.
- Fine.
And I get to have as
many ice cubes as I want,
hum in the morning, and paint
my toenails in the living room.
You can paint, but no pumicing.
I can't "pumice" you anything. [PROMISE]
[♪]
Got a minute?
Yeah, sure. What's up?
I just wanted to circle back
on the whole trivia night thing,
because
this could be us, The Fun Bunch!
Lexi, I said no. I have
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS,
TELEPHONE RINGS IN DISTANCE]
Oh, it's actually very soft.
It's Prada. [BREATHES DEEPLY]
- Look
- But no, no.
I said no, and I mean no.
Listen, I thought about
it, and you're right.
Games bring out the worst in me.
Yeah, I know that.
But you don't know
why. [BREATHES DEEPLY]
When I was a child, my parents
made everything a contest.
Literally. One time, they used
a game of Monopoly
to determine which of their children
would be sent to a boarding school.
It was a hotel on Baltic Avenue
that bankrupted me and
ultimately lost me the game
and consequently sent me to
the Chastity Bainbridge
Disciplinary School
for Overprivileged Girls.
Now I understand why you
struggle so much with losing.
Yes, but, uh, I want to change.
I want to be able to go out
and have a casual night with my friends,
and, Sam, I just feel
like with your help,
I can achieve that.
Okay, fine. We can play trivia tonight.
But the moment it stops
being fun, we are leaving.
- I gotchu if you gotch me, girl.
- [SIGHS]
[♪]
- [DOOR CLOSES]
- Hey. What you doin'?
I'm taking Charlotte
on a romantic picnic
at the Observatory before trivia night.
She came up with a good team name
- Roomies.
- Cool.
Your neck looks really angry.
- You okay?
- I'm fine.
I'm just trying to get used to
this poncho Charlotte got me.
She said I look like Keanu
Reeves in "Point Break."
I looked it up and
[CHUCKLES] he's very hot.
- I thought you only wore cotton.
- You only wear cotton!
- Okay.
- I'm sorry.
I'm I'm just very tired.
Hey, Nell. You ready, Johnny Utah?
Yeah. I love the way that feels.
- [CHUCKLES]
- 100% pure adrenaline.
- Come on. Let's go.
- Oh.
- Bye.
- Yeah.
- [DOOR OPENS]
- Have fun!
- Surf's up!
- [DOOR CLOSES]
Hey, Marlena, does
Edward seem off to you?
[STAMMERS] Like, he says he's happy,
but he just seems so exhausted, and
Maybe it's all the sex?
I know when I first
met my wife [CHUCKLES]
we couldn't keep our
hands off each other.
It was a romp-fest.
Oh, right. That reminds me.
I wrote the opening
paragraph for your obituary,
and I think you're gonna love it.
Let's hear it.
"While millions loved watching
sexy, conniving villainess
Marlena Quintrell
manipulate the men of Middleton Falls,
she saved the juiciest twist
of all for her private life,
when her cast mate
husband caught her in bed
with her female makeup
artist and soon-to-be wife."
Pretty spicy, huh?
Honestly, I think you
have some more work to do.
What are you talking about?
Look, it's got everything you love.
- Suspense! Intrigue! Romance! Beeping!
- [BEEPING]
- Wait, sorry, do do you hear that?
- [PULSING]
- Is that coming from the box?
- [PULSING CONTINUES]
- Let's see.
- MALE VOICE: Cower before me, traitor!
For I have taken the life force
of countless basilisks!
- It's, uh, one of his "Star Rim" figurines.
- [PULSING]
It's from his favorite video game. Hm.
Yeah, it's like everything
that brings him joy
his magic tricks and his Rubik's Cube
and his video game paraphernalia.
- Huh.
- [CLATTERS LIGHTLY]
I thought he was just hiding
his anal apartment rules from Charlotte.
I didn't realize that
he was hiding himself.
[CHUCKLES SOFTLY] Why do you think
he would do that?
- [DOOR CLOSES]
- You have to go ask him.
- [DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]
- Hey, you're back.
I forgot our collapsible cups.
Right. Um
You know, your robot monster
in the box was beeping.
My Zamatron-X39 with the
dual engine laser blasters?
- Yep.
- Is he okay?
Yeah, I turned it off.
Okay. The galaxy thanks you.
Um, hey, hey, wait.
Uh, I couldn't help but notice
everything else in the box.
I I mean, I know it's
none of my business,
but, um, it just it just feels like
you're hiding all your
favorite things away.
Okay. Thank you for your
wholly unsolicited advice.
You haven't really enjoyed
yourself since she's been here.
I'm perfectly happy.
You're definitely not.
You're just my roommate, Nell.
Okay? Stay out of it.
[♪]
- Are you kidding me?
- Nope.
Then he said, "You're just my roommate.
Stay out of it."
And I'm like I'm supposed
to say something, though, right?
I just think it's best to tread lightly
when criticizing someone
else's relationship.
Mmnnnnn, is it, though?
Look, when I told you to go
a little slower with Phillip,
you didn't exactly love that.
Okay, but I was only mad
at you for like a minute.
Excuse you.
- Or two years.
- That's right.
So maybe Edward just needs
to figure it out for himself,
like you did.
- Hey, Roomie.
- Oh.
Get over here.
- Hmm.
- Here we go.
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]
- Roomie.
- Roomie.
[♪]
Oh, everyone looks so nice
and friendly. [CHUCKLES]
Hello, fellow trivia aficionados.
Excited for some playful sparring
with all of you tonight. [CHUCKLES]
We're The Fun Bunch.
- That's a pretty clever name.
- It is.
What state school did you
go to to come up with that?
[LAUGHTER]
- Hey!
- Mm.
[STRAINED] Have you ever tried Gouda?
It's the most fun of the cheeses.
It's a real gift to the palate.
That is the spirit, Lexi, okay?
- Mm-hmm.
- Mm-hmm.
We will have fun, and
that is the point, okay?
How's everybody doing?
- Whoo, whoo! Yeah!
- Trivia!
First category is magic,
kind of like me on this mic.
Ha ha!
This turn-of-the-20th century
magician became so famous
that his traveling magic show
required eight train cars.
God, I don't know anything about magic.
- Nell?
- Mnh. [CLICKS TONGUE]
If I was to guess, I would say, mm,
greatest magician of all time
Let's go with Criss Angel?
No! Criss Angel is a
hack and an embarrassment,
and Criss Angel wasn't the
turn of the 20th century.
- It's Howard Thurston.
- Oh.
Babe, how do you know
so much about magic?
My nephew is in a bit of
a magic phase right now.
[CHUCKLING] He doesn't shut up about it.
[CHUCKLES] He's kind of a doofus.
Sounds like your nephew knows
who he is and is fine with it
and, you know, doesn't mind
letting his nerd flag fly.
Yeah. He's a doofus.
Okay, you write whatever
you want to write down.
I'm just I'm I need a break.
- Um
- [SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYS]
- Aah!
- Oh. Hello.
You're being too subtle with Edward.
You need to be more direct.
Tell him he can't hide his true self.
Oh, Marlena, come on.
Just stop pushing the drama, okay?
This is my life, not
some silly soap opera.
Well, my life isn't any
silly soap opera either,
- which is why I hated what you wrote.
- What?
What you referred to as
the "juiciest twist of all"
was one of the most painful
things I've ever been through.
- Oh.
- I spent so many years in the closet,
trying to live up to expectations,
and I wasted so much
time denying who I was.
[SIGHS]
I could've been with
my wife so much sooner
if a friend would have just
told me what I needed to hear,
just someone to encourage
my genuine, authentic self.
[♪]
Pretending to be someone
you're not on the screen
is one thing,
but pretending in your personal life
is just downright debilitating.
Help him.
I [SIGHS]
I wouldn't say he thinks we're friends.
Well, that's a shame,
'cause it sure looks like you are to me.
- Yeah?
- Yes.
[♪]
Thanks, Marlena.
I'm gonna write you that
obituary you deserve.
- Oh, I know you are.
- [BOTH CHUCKLE]
- Or I'll posses someone you love.
- [DOOR OPENS]
- Oh.
- [CHUCKLES]
My life is weird.
Uh, um, excuse me, Edward.
Could we talk privately?
Um, I I need to talk to
you about the electric bill.
I don't want to talk
about the electric bill.
Yeah, well, unless we talk about it,
then the power's gonna get shut off
and we're going to
waste a lot of oat milk.
- Oat milk doesn't go bad.
- Just come with me.
[SMOOCHES]
- Thank you.
- Mm-hmm.
What?
Look, I, um
I know you only think
of me as your roommate,
but I think of you as my friend,
and as your friend,
I'm gonna tell you
what you need to hear.
- Mm-hmm.
- [BREATHES DEEPLY]
What you're doing is not healthy.
Hiding who you are, you're
not just lying to Charlotte
you're lying to yourself.
Nell, I'm 35 years old, and
I'm tired of being alone.
And I can tell that you like
this version of me better, anyway.
I genuinely like the real you.
You're smart and you're funny
and you're wildly honest,
which can be, uh, really frustrating,
- but it's also so very refreshing.
- Oh.
If you really want to give
this relationship a chance,
you got to show Charlotte
who you really are, okay?
You both deserve that.
[♪]
Okay. I trust you.
[♪]
Okay.
Also, by the way, I I did
forget to pay the electric bill.
I'll see you inside.
[♪]
It's like living with a child.
[♪]
Don't be sad that you're
losing, State School.
I didn't go to a state
school. I went to the Olympics.
Oh, let me guess dressage?
- [LAUGHS]
- Look at me.
- I'm riding a fancy horse.
- Oh, fancy.
- Stop it. That's not proper form!
- [LAUGHTER]
I'm sorry, Sam, but I need to leave.
I am on the verge of
becoming a version of myself
that not a lot of
people like to be around,
and, frankly, I don't
really care for it, either.
No, no, stay.
I am so proud of all the work
that you've done here tonight,
but I don't want to change
completely who you are,
because I think all of us could use
a little cutthroat Lexi right now.
- Mm.
- What are you saying?
- Let's cut a bitch.
- [CHUCKLES]
- There we go.
- Hold these.
Let's [BLEEP] up, boys.
- Name the state capital
- Boise.
Dover. Phoenix. Little
Rock. Juneau. Jackson.
Topeka. Trenton. Bismarck.
Stop me when you've heard it, Cricket.
- Topeka!
- The Golden City.
Giddy up, turds.
- Houdini.
- Yes!
- "Space Invaders."
- Yes!
- Megatron.
- Yes!
- "Invader Zim."
- Yes!
- [LAUGHING] Oh, my God!
- [BLEEP]
- "Invasion of the Body Snatchers."
- Yes.
- The 1978 version.
- Whoo!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
This multi-player video game
takes place in outer space,
and it contains over
600 hours of gameplay.
"Star Rim," and it actually contains
over 600 hours of potential gameplay.
The main storyline can be completed
in as little as 200 hours,
as seen in the speed run performed
by Underscore IceKing32 on Twitch.
[CROWD MURMURING] [BOTH SNAP FINGERS]
And now it is time to
announce the final scores.
P.H. Deez Nuts comin'
in at a hot 38 points.
[CROWD OHHS, WHISTLES]
And then makin' news back
there is The Fun Bunch
with a whopping 46 points.
- Yes! Oh!
- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
And coming in at a staggering 62 points,
it's The Roomies!
- Yes! Dude!
- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
[CHUCKLING] I had no
idea that you knew so much
about all that stuff you knew about.
Charlotte, my nephew isn't a doofus.
I'm a doofus.
If this relationship is gonna work,
I think you need to know
that I'm a video-game-playing,
Rubik's Cube-solving,
action-figure-collecting nerd.
And also, Nell isn't
the one who's particular
about skillet care. I am.
[CHUCKLES] Yeah.
Also, this, um, poncho,
it feels like sandpaper and
I'm gonna take it off forever.
[♪]
- Okay, okay.
- [SIGHS DEEPLY]
And I do magic.
Is this your coaster?
It is now.
- There he is.
- [SIGHS] Um
I am so happy that we're being honest,
because I have been holding
back some things as well.
Um, Edward, I know you're
an environmental lawyer
but I hate these paper straws.
They're completely useless. [SCOFFS]
Besides, how much can
one person really do
for the environment, anyway?
And does recycling really matter?
[BREATHES DEEPLY]
- Ah.
- Whew. [CHUCKLES]
I'm gonna go get us some real straws.
[♪]
I'm gonna have to tell my parents
I'm sleeping with a turtle murderer.
[♪]
- [PULSING]
- [DOOR OPENS]
- [GASPS] Hey. How'd it go with Charlotte?
- [DOOR CLOSES]
Charlotte confessed that
the compost bin I got her
is where she keeps her
keys and her wallet.
I confessed that "Hoarders"
gives me night terrors.
- Mm.
- So
- we decided to take a break.
- Ohh.
I think I was so focused
on what she wanted,
I didn't really take the time
to consider what I wanted.
- What is this?
- I thought you should know
that you don't have to
hide who you are around me.
There are no rat archers in "Star Rim,"
- but thank you.
- You got it.
And just so you know [CLEARS THROAT]
I'm not going to hide
who I am around you either.
Hmm?
Okay, I'll let you be a
little disgusting troll
Oh! [SIGHS]
because you're my friend.
[GASPS] You said it. I'm your friend.
- I'm your friend?
- Yeah.
I'm your friend?!
[CHUCKLES] You're my friend.
- I don't like that.
- Okay.
- I don't like that.
- No backsies.
[GASPS] Whoops.
I am saying this as your friend.
- Yeah?
- You're a terrible roommate.