Pam & Tommy (2022) s01e08 Episode Script
Seattle
You owe me $50,000.
I don't have the money.
Miltie has the money, man.
You owe Butchie money! And now you got me on your fucking ass! - Five months.
- Five months? - I can't believe it.
I know.
- Wow.
Now, is it a boy or a girl? Judge threw your case out.
He ruled in favor of "Penthouse.
" They can't actually say that sluts don't get to decide what happens to pictures of their body.
- What did you do? - I stole his safe, which contained a certain video tape.
I really don't get why you're so mad.
It's porn.
It is not porn, you asshole! Get out! Now give me the money.
You're pretty cocky for a guy with a detonator strapped to his chest.
You, son, are a loser.
Well, you're a bad person.
Maybe I am, but what about Pamela? What did she do to deserve what you've done to her? Is she a bad person? Exactly.
Totally, man.
That's the name of the game.
The bottom line is, we got to keep growing.
And it's so easy to repeat yourself, but you can't be afraid of change.
This album, there's all kinds of new sounds on there.
Industrial, techno, alternative.
But in the end it's still us.
It's still rock and roll.
Yeah.
Basically, what we're trying to say is this is '90s Crue.
What do you say? You want a taste? Yeah! You're asking me what's in it for him? I'm asking what's in it for you? Is it the money? I'm with Gus because he sees the real me.
When he looks at me, he sees a full person, not just a pair of gams to show off to the fellas at Macambo.
I'll take your word for it.
You don't have to take my word for it.
You just have to take your coat and hat and get the hell out of my house.
Thank you.
That was That was great.
Oh.
Thank you.
I'm um, is that all you need or 'cause I actually have been - Yep.
- I can do it a ton of That was perfect.
Okay.
That's great.
Whoo! Okay.
Thank you, Curtis.
Thanks so much.
You're welcome.
We'll be in touch.
Okay, great.
That's Thank you for your time.
- Thank you.
- Thank you so much.
I appreciate it.
Oh, my gosh.
I'm sorry.
It's hard work being pregnant.
Thank you so much for your time.
I appreciate it.
Bye.
- Bye.
- Have a great day.
It was quick.
I I think I did well.
I think I did well.
I have no doubt.
Oh, and you told them how much I love the project? You know you know, how much I connect with the role? Multiple times.
And they know I'll have the baby weight off? I made that abundantly clear.
Oh, God.
All right, so what's going on with the Bond spoof? Still trading calls they definitely seem interested.
Mike Myers thought you were great.
But you know, I can't I can't give a yes.
You know, not until I know about LA.
Right, let's first have that problem.
I know.
I know.
On another subject, I got another call from "Baywatch.
" Ugh.
Rob They're desperate to have you back.
We hold all the cards.
We can cut you an incredible deal.
Listen, you know how I feel.
I know.
Just giving you options.
That's my job.
Listen, I am well aware that "Barb Wire" didn't exactly light the world on fire, but One movie shouldn't kill my entire film career.
You're right.
One movie should not.
2.
7 million.
That's how many people are looking at those pictures.
Perverts, casting directors Friends.
Well, at least it can't get any worse.
That's $1,100.
Um he'll have the last three next week.
I was hoping I could talk to you for a second.
Uh-huh.
I've done, uh I've done eight jobs for you.
Uh, I I'd like to think I did a pretty decent job, you know? I know we're not square yet, but This work is It's killing me.
I can't eat.
I can't sleep.
I have nightmares.
I'm not cut out for this.
I'm not cut out for this, Mr.
Peraino.
It is devouring my soul, and so, you know, if we could maybe work out something else, I don't know, um Tell you what.
Give me 10 grand, and I'll consider us even.
10 grand? Sounded great, man.
Fucking tight.
Dude, what time we got to be back here? 6:30.
- That early? - To close? Hey, guys.
So listen, slight change of plans.
- Hey, hello.
- Hey, just talked to Curtis.
- And? - He loved you.
He thought you were amazing, but they are going in a different direction.
Honey, this is one of the most coveted roles in town.
Every major actress was throwing her hat in this ring.
Oh, my God.
- Uh, who got it? - Kim Basinger.
Listen to me, there is zero shame in losing out to Kim Basinger.
All right, well, I guess I'm I'm cl I'm clear to do the Bond spoof.
What? Oh, fuck! - They fucked us over.
- Tommy, wh What are you doing back? MTV, the fucking BMA people.
We were supposed to close the show and then, out of nowhere, this producer chick's like, "Oh, hey, by the way, we're shuffling things around.
You're on first.
" So we're like, "We're the opener? Sure, no problem.
" And she's like, "Well, no.
Not exactly.
" So we're like, "Okay, what do you mean?" And she's like, "Well, fuck you.
" Because it turns out we're not the opener, we're the fucking pre-show.
Like, as in, before the thing starts.
They bumped us off the broadcast for fucking Beck.
So we're like, "Fuck that.
We're not some fucking warm-up act.
" So the four of us just got up and fucking left.
But at least you don't have to get dressed tonight.
Shit, sorry, baby.
I didn't get the part.
Huh? "L.
A.
Confidential.
" - Oh, shit.
- Yeah.
Or the stupid Bond spoof.
- Really? - No.
No.
God, it's Ugh! It's so stupid.
Oh, and you want to know who I, um I lost out to? - Who? - Elizabeth Hurley.
Who the fuck is Elizabeth Hurley? That's what I said.
- Fuck Mike Myers.
- Yeah, it's not just him.
It's just it's everybody.
It's everybody.
It's This tape.
I'm a walking punchline.
- It's gonna die down.
- That is just exactly what I keep telling myself, and then every time I do, poom, something new comes along.
Aw, babe.
Listen to me.
It has to die down.
It's fucking everywhere, in newspapers, magazines, TV.
There's no place left for it to go.
Hello? Have you seen this shit? Nikki? What shit? Tommy, would you fucking plug it in? It's in! Is this white box important? - What is this? - That's the modem.
Address bar? What the hell are you talking about? The white line at the top, Tommy.
No, it's just three Ws, okay? It's not "W-W-W.
" It's just three Ws.
Just type it in like that.
Okay, it's the arrow that points back like, return.
Okay.
It's loading.
Hold on.
Tommy, what are you doing? How's it going? Look at you.
Look at you.
Where you going? Aw, that's sweet.
Come on.
Hey.
Aw.
Ah! I am one lucky camper.
Whoo! Yes, naked.
You got it.
All right, all right.
- Ah! - Whoo! - Whoo! - Yeah, what's up, lover? What's up, lover? I didn't order any pizza.
Give me the fucking money, man.
Not as big as you.
Not as big as this.
Hey.
What the fuck? What's up, baby? How's it going? Look at you.
- How is this - Look at you.
Where are you going? - Playing - Come on.
On your computer? Internet Entertainment Group? Internet Entertainment Group? We're a technology/entertainment company based out of Seattle, and I'm down here in the valley for a few days on a little scouting trip.
- Good for you, Dan.
- Rand.
Good luck with your brilliant, world-changing idea.
You little fucker.
I've been doing some digging.
It's a company out of Seattle.
They run a bunch of these camgirl sites.
Club Love is apparently the flagship.
- Camgirl? - Yeah.
It's kind of like an online peep show.
You pay a subscription and you watch girls.
They, you know, disrobe and then they They do things to themselves.
- Over the computer? - That's a thing? Yeah.
It's huge.
Big money in it.
Wait.
So then why are they playing our tape for free? Can you think of better publicity? Don't tell me we're not suing these guys.
They're playing our tape, Pamela, for free.
Thousands of fucking people - Millions.
- Are sitting there Millions.
- Millions.
- The VHS tape, that was a flu.
This is a plague.
Happy birthday, Merry Christmas.
Holy shit.
And that's just in the first 24 hours.
Has a video ever racked up that many views that fast? Has a video ever racked up that many views? I mean, look, everybody has a spike - Hey, Seth! - But look at 10:00 p.
m.
This just came.
They're suing us.
They're suing us! Fuck, yes! Oh, Valerie.
Is this not the best day ever? We're being sued, baby! Fuck yeah! Whoo! Seth Warshavsky's office.
Yeah, put him on.
Put him on now.
Um, may I ask who's calling? Uh, yeah, you sure can.
You tell him that it is the rightful owner of the Pam and Tommy tape, the person he's fucking stealing from! Hold please.
Okay.
I'm sorry, Mr.
Warshavsky's away from his desk at the moment.
That is fucking bullshit! Just put him on.
Could I take a message? You know what? Yes.
You can take a message.
Here's the message.
You tell him that Rand Gauthier, R-A-N-D G-A-U-T-H-I-E-R, is gonna come up there to Seattle and I'm gonna pop his fucking head off like a fucking dandelion! You got that? "Rand Gauthier is gonna come up "there to Seattle right fucking now and pop his head off like a fucking dandelion.
" Yes, exactly.
Also, go fuck yourself.
Fuck.
Hmm.
Welcome.
Hmm.
What can Charmaine do for you? I come seeking answers.
And what is the question? I'll tell you the question.
The question is why? Why does bad stuff keep happening to me when good stuff is supposed to be happening to me? Karma is supposed to be on my side, but it is not.
Well, why don't we take a look.
Please.
The Wheel of Fortune is moving in the wrong direction.
Yeah, I know.
Why? The Star, eh, you've hurt this person.
The star? Naked woman by the water, some sort of beach Oh, my God.
This is a joke! What now? - They denied our injunction.
- The judge.
He's arguing it's media.
So long as they're not charging people to watch it, it's considered commentary, and thus protected by the first amendment.
Yeah.
Well, how the fuck is a porno website media? "Electronic media," he's calling it.
Anything on the World Wide Web.
- That's insane.
- I agree with you, Tommy, which is why we're going to appeal.
How long will that take? The appeal process? That depends.
Days? Nope.
Not days.
Oh, I love you so much.
It's so nice.
- Yeah! - Mm.
I'm dying to break it.
Don't break it.
Hey, happy birthday, huh? I want it.
I wanna eat it.
Here they come! Pam! Pamela! I'm sorry! I'm so sorry.
It's me! It's Rand, the carpenter! I'm sorry! I'm Rand, and I'm so sorry! What do you think it's about? No clue.
He wouldn't say.
Sorry for the short notice.
What's up? Well, there's someone here who'd like to speak with you.
Who the fuck are you? To start off, I'd like to say thank you.
- For? - The injunction.
Thanks to your effort to block me, we now know it's actually legal to stream the tape.
What do you want? - What do I want? - Yeah, what do you want? I I want to make you an offer.
- An offer? - Yeah.
I want to buy the rights to the tape.
Go fuck yourself, dude.
Fucking offer.
You want a fucking offer? You want your fucking offer? - Huh? - Tommy, Tommy.
You'll never fucking get anything from me, ever fucking ever! You fucking Go fuck yourself.
Fucking offer.
You already have the rights.
No, I-I have the right to stream it for free.
I want to stream it for profit.
Go fuck yourself.
- You fucking - Just just so he knows, I go fuck myself and your tape will spread all over the web.
Hundreds of websites will post it.
I mean, you think a lot of people have seen it now? You ain't seen nothing yet.
And if you had the rights? I buy the online rights, and I start charging to watch.
It'd be illegal for anybody else to stream it, free or otherwise.
They'd be violating my constitutional right to make a profit off of something I own.
The chain of title would grant him the right to take down the unauthorized copies.
Exactly.
I could put it behind a paywall, slap a nice little watermark on there "Property of Internet Entertainment Group.
All rights reserved.
" A lot of people will know about it, yes, but very few will have actually seen it.
Probably on the order of 95% less, because that's the kind of drop off that you see when you charge for content versus give it away free.
So in summary, you can, A, do nothing, and And watch your tape spread like the plague all over the world.
Or B, sell me the rights.
It would be controlled and contained with far fewer people ever actually laying their, uh, pervy little eyes on it.
So, what's it gonna be? Door A or door B? Door go fuck yourself.
Okay.
There it is.
On the off chance you change your mind, that's a contract and that's an offer.
Later, asshole.
Uh, personally, I think you ought to consider.
Sandy, that dude's fucking blackmailing us.
Technically, it's not blackmail.
What the fuck, dude? What he said, it makes sense.
It's our fucking love on that tape.
- We're not selling it.
- But I just want this to be over.
Listen, we could contain the tape, and you'll still have some compensation for the hell that you've been through.
Compensation.
We're not making money off of this.
Not ever.
All right, then we're just back to square one.
- Give it to him.
- What? Grant him the rights for free.
What, are you fucking kidding me? No, I'm not kidding.
He doesn't get to buy me.
- Yes.
- Oh, okay.
So then what? He gets you for fucking free? He can have it.
I'm done.
Pamela, if we hand him the rights, they're gonna think we're in on it anyway! I don't give a shit what people think.
But I'm not making a deal with that fucking piece of shit on principle alone! Do you understand what this is doing to me? Yeah, I'm on that tape too.
No, not like me you're not.
You keep saying that, and that's fucking bullshit.
Okay.
I'm gonna leave you two.
Have some privacy to discuss this alone, okay? Can I do it without him? - What? - Yeah, can I do it alone? You both need to sign.
Can't believe you'd fucking do that.
Oh, I can't believe you're my husband.
Happy birthday, huh? I want it.
I wanna eat it.
Mm.
- I love you.
- What's next? - What's next? - This is my favorite.
- Look at him.
- Ooh-ooh! - Ooh! - I love you, baby.
Careful of the cake.
You're gonna fall in the cake.
Billy, you're drunk and I'm not one of your clients.
Just just sell me Why is she still with him? I have no idea.
Five minutes.
That's all I ask, okay? Just just five minutes of your time.
- Jesus Christ.
- Please, the there are some things I need to say.
- Rand - Two minutes.
Just two lousy minutes.
You'll never see me at this door ever again, okay? - Oh, my God.
- Don't do it.
Do not do it.
Go.
I, uh I came here to make amends.
I'm sorry for being such a pain in the ass to you all these years.
I know it's over between us.
I've just had a hard time letting go.
Obviously, you were the best thing that ever happened to me, and unfortunately, I was not the best thing that ever happened to you, which, you know, that sucks.
It fucking It big time sucks ass.
But you know, that's okay.
This will be the last time we ever speak.
- You will never see me again.
- Okay.
You don't have to go that far.
- Really? - No, I mean, we should definitely drift apart, but we could have contact every now and then.
Catch up over coffee.
Like, a few times a year? Yeah, that would be okay.
- Three or four, maybe? - Two or three.
Two.
Every six months.
Not bad.
You okay? Things have not been very good for me lately.
- I know.
- It's my own damn fault though.
I unleashed forces of chaos into this world.
I'm an agent of chaos.
You are not an agent of chaos.
- No, I am.
- You're a good person who's done some really stupid things.
Evil things, evil stuff.
Like steal someone's very private tape and release it into the world.
You had your reasons, Rand.
He fucked you over.
What did she ever do to me? Oh man, I feel terrible for women.
They got to deal with us.
Yeah.
You are not the greatest gender.
It's my dick on that tape too just the same as her pussy.
Can I help you? Congrats, man.
On what? That fucking fire hose.
Ooh! Doo, doo! That's really funny, dude.
Hey, dude.
That's really funny, man.
Yeah, yeah I'm a real fucking lucky dog! Do not complement me on my dick, you fuck! Okay, chill, chill.
- I'm sorry, bro.
- Tommy, chill! The fuck you looking at? The whole fucking world looking at my dick.
But, dude, you love showing your dick.
Albuquerque Civic Center "Shout at the Devil" tour, it was out the whole fucking drum solo.
That was consensual.
I chose to wag it.
I don't know, man.
There's worse things than the whole world knowing you got a monster hog.
Hey, babe.
What are you doing? I need to get out of LA.
Where are you going? Home.
Ladysmith? Please, I just I need some time.
I need some time away.
From me.
We're so good together, Pamela.
It's the world that's fucked.
- Baby - No.
Don't.
Stop.
Don't.
Oh, God.
You know what? Hey, let's run away.
Huh? You and me? Just the two of us, like in the beginning, remember? Remember how good it was when it was just you and me? Let's run away, baby.
Come on.
Let's do it.
Let's run away.
Please.
Come on, baby.
Where would we go? Heaven.
Oh! Shit! Think I got one.
I got a good one! It's a good one! Come on.
Ugh! Ah! Yay! - Whoo! - You got me.
Lake Mead! Come on, baby.
Hey! No cameras.
This is just what we needed, baby.
- You know? - Oh my God, so.
I love you! Tommy.
- What? - Come on.
You're falling asleep.
No, I I'm fine.
No, baby, you're exhausted.
Come on, let's stop.
It's dangerous, all right? We'll finish the drive in the morning.
Okay? I'm fine, but yeah, okay.
- You're so wrong.
- I'm not.
Tommy, come on.
Hi.
Your finest room please.
Baby - Yeah, it's good.
- Hey.
Holy shit, dude, is that Pam Anderson? Fuck.
Thanks.
- Yo, you the man, Tommy.
- Love you, Pamela.
Oh, my God, it's Tommy Lee.
Fuck.
Yeah, sounds good.
Thanks, bro.
- Ow.
- What the hell? Stay the fuck back! You hurt my arm.
I'm sorry.
Gee, that was sincere.
Beary bear.
I have him.
He's in the bag.
I want him now.
I'll give you Beary Bear in the room, okay? Okay, Dada.
- What? - Good evening, Mr.
Lee.
- This is - Did you not see the fucking "Do Not Disturb" sign? Apologies, this is a welcome gift from the manager.
Jesus.
If you work at a hotel and you see a "Do Not Disturb" sign, would you still walk in? Please stop.
You're so loud.
- What? - I'd just like five minutes without any drama.
Would that be possible? Baby, I'm not the one that ignored the sign.
You are the one that flipped out over it.
- I'm sorry.
- Ugh, God.
You're sorry a lot, Tommy.
Would you rather I not be? I'd rather you not do the thing requiring the sorry.
Ugh.
Ugh, can you turn up the air? I'm boiling.
8, 8 1/2.
Damn.
Not that I measured.
I mean, aye, if the music doesn't work out, you could always be a porn star.
Aw, yeah, bro.
Just fucking, you know, uh, Vivid Video presents Tommy Lee, "Kickstart My Hard On.
" - "Doctor Fuck Good.
" - Yeah.
Yeah, you thought he pounded the skins on the drums, but then just fucking That's fucking What's up, babe? Pamela.
Babe.
Babe! What the fuck are you looking at? Pamela! Pamela! I don't know.
Well, where the fuck is it? Your wife, she took it.
When? A while ago.
Can I borrow your bike? It would be an honor.
Cool.
You may kiss the bride.
I'm sorry.
I know I can be a real asshole sometimes, but I'm just I'm gonna try to do better.
No, fuck that.
I am gonna do better.
You deserve everything, baby.
Sign it.
Pamela.
Sign it.
This is our private, stolen fucking life.
- I don't care.
- You don't care? You're gonna let that guy just fucking Sign it, Tommy.
Now.
What if I don't? What if I don't? What happens? What happens if I don't sign it? Just say something, please.
Just say something, Pamela, please.
Just anything.
Say something.
Fucking say something! Fuck! Goddamn it! Say something! That good? You happy? It's over.
What's over? What do you think? It's good.
- Then what's the matter? - The image quality.
Yeah, it'd be great to have a better copy.
Hi there.
Hi.
Would you like a picture? No.
I'm sorry for all the pain and hurt I've caused.
I just hope you could find it in your heart to forgive me.
Rand! Hello.
I'm very sorry that I missed your call, man.
What the fuck? Wait, have we met? You look so familiar.
What are you doing here? Um, well, as apparently, you know, I'm the one streaming the tape, but I'm doing it off a third generation dub, you know, which is fine for a freebie, but I'd like to start charging, so I would love to get the original.
Fuck off.
- I'm willing to pay.
- It's not for sale.
And why is that? It's because I had a moral epiphany.
A moral epiphany? I realized that what I did was wrong and as such, my conscience will not allow me $10,000.
How much? Pay off Butchie.
Clear your debt.
Get a decent place to live.
Oh, where are you Yeah, you're doing great.
The baby's almost out, okay? The baby's almost out.
Last push, let's have a baby.
The baby's coming! There we go.
Baby, look! My baby.
Look into the camera, baby.
Baby, look into the camera.
Just smile for me, baby.
Baby.
This is crazy.
"Dear Erica, in this bag is $10,000.
" "I'm giving it to you to cover the Europe phone calls "and also our divorce.
"If anything is leftover, please spend it "on something happy and fun for you and Danielle.
Yours in karma, Rand.
"
I don't have the money.
Miltie has the money, man.
You owe Butchie money! And now you got me on your fucking ass! - Five months.
- Five months? - I can't believe it.
I know.
- Wow.
Now, is it a boy or a girl? Judge threw your case out.
He ruled in favor of "Penthouse.
" They can't actually say that sluts don't get to decide what happens to pictures of their body.
- What did you do? - I stole his safe, which contained a certain video tape.
I really don't get why you're so mad.
It's porn.
It is not porn, you asshole! Get out! Now give me the money.
You're pretty cocky for a guy with a detonator strapped to his chest.
You, son, are a loser.
Well, you're a bad person.
Maybe I am, but what about Pamela? What did she do to deserve what you've done to her? Is she a bad person? Exactly.
Totally, man.
That's the name of the game.
The bottom line is, we got to keep growing.
And it's so easy to repeat yourself, but you can't be afraid of change.
This album, there's all kinds of new sounds on there.
Industrial, techno, alternative.
But in the end it's still us.
It's still rock and roll.
Yeah.
Basically, what we're trying to say is this is '90s Crue.
What do you say? You want a taste? Yeah! You're asking me what's in it for him? I'm asking what's in it for you? Is it the money? I'm with Gus because he sees the real me.
When he looks at me, he sees a full person, not just a pair of gams to show off to the fellas at Macambo.
I'll take your word for it.
You don't have to take my word for it.
You just have to take your coat and hat and get the hell out of my house.
Thank you.
That was That was great.
Oh.
Thank you.
I'm um, is that all you need or 'cause I actually have been - Yep.
- I can do it a ton of That was perfect.
Okay.
That's great.
Whoo! Okay.
Thank you, Curtis.
Thanks so much.
You're welcome.
We'll be in touch.
Okay, great.
That's Thank you for your time.
- Thank you.
- Thank you so much.
I appreciate it.
Oh, my gosh.
I'm sorry.
It's hard work being pregnant.
Thank you so much for your time.
I appreciate it.
Bye.
- Bye.
- Have a great day.
It was quick.
I I think I did well.
I think I did well.
I have no doubt.
Oh, and you told them how much I love the project? You know you know, how much I connect with the role? Multiple times.
And they know I'll have the baby weight off? I made that abundantly clear.
Oh, God.
All right, so what's going on with the Bond spoof? Still trading calls they definitely seem interested.
Mike Myers thought you were great.
But you know, I can't I can't give a yes.
You know, not until I know about LA.
Right, let's first have that problem.
I know.
I know.
On another subject, I got another call from "Baywatch.
" Ugh.
Rob They're desperate to have you back.
We hold all the cards.
We can cut you an incredible deal.
Listen, you know how I feel.
I know.
Just giving you options.
That's my job.
Listen, I am well aware that "Barb Wire" didn't exactly light the world on fire, but One movie shouldn't kill my entire film career.
You're right.
One movie should not.
2.
7 million.
That's how many people are looking at those pictures.
Perverts, casting directors Friends.
Well, at least it can't get any worse.
That's $1,100.
Um he'll have the last three next week.
I was hoping I could talk to you for a second.
Uh-huh.
I've done, uh I've done eight jobs for you.
Uh, I I'd like to think I did a pretty decent job, you know? I know we're not square yet, but This work is It's killing me.
I can't eat.
I can't sleep.
I have nightmares.
I'm not cut out for this.
I'm not cut out for this, Mr.
Peraino.
It is devouring my soul, and so, you know, if we could maybe work out something else, I don't know, um Tell you what.
Give me 10 grand, and I'll consider us even.
10 grand? Sounded great, man.
Fucking tight.
Dude, what time we got to be back here? 6:30.
- That early? - To close? Hey, guys.
So listen, slight change of plans.
- Hey, hello.
- Hey, just talked to Curtis.
- And? - He loved you.
He thought you were amazing, but they are going in a different direction.
Honey, this is one of the most coveted roles in town.
Every major actress was throwing her hat in this ring.
Oh, my God.
- Uh, who got it? - Kim Basinger.
Listen to me, there is zero shame in losing out to Kim Basinger.
All right, well, I guess I'm I'm cl I'm clear to do the Bond spoof.
What? Oh, fuck! - They fucked us over.
- Tommy, wh What are you doing back? MTV, the fucking BMA people.
We were supposed to close the show and then, out of nowhere, this producer chick's like, "Oh, hey, by the way, we're shuffling things around.
You're on first.
" So we're like, "We're the opener? Sure, no problem.
" And she's like, "Well, no.
Not exactly.
" So we're like, "Okay, what do you mean?" And she's like, "Well, fuck you.
" Because it turns out we're not the opener, we're the fucking pre-show.
Like, as in, before the thing starts.
They bumped us off the broadcast for fucking Beck.
So we're like, "Fuck that.
We're not some fucking warm-up act.
" So the four of us just got up and fucking left.
But at least you don't have to get dressed tonight.
Shit, sorry, baby.
I didn't get the part.
Huh? "L.
A.
Confidential.
" - Oh, shit.
- Yeah.
Or the stupid Bond spoof.
- Really? - No.
No.
God, it's Ugh! It's so stupid.
Oh, and you want to know who I, um I lost out to? - Who? - Elizabeth Hurley.
Who the fuck is Elizabeth Hurley? That's what I said.
- Fuck Mike Myers.
- Yeah, it's not just him.
It's just it's everybody.
It's everybody.
It's This tape.
I'm a walking punchline.
- It's gonna die down.
- That is just exactly what I keep telling myself, and then every time I do, poom, something new comes along.
Aw, babe.
Listen to me.
It has to die down.
It's fucking everywhere, in newspapers, magazines, TV.
There's no place left for it to go.
Hello? Have you seen this shit? Nikki? What shit? Tommy, would you fucking plug it in? It's in! Is this white box important? - What is this? - That's the modem.
Address bar? What the hell are you talking about? The white line at the top, Tommy.
No, it's just three Ws, okay? It's not "W-W-W.
" It's just three Ws.
Just type it in like that.
Okay, it's the arrow that points back like, return.
Okay.
It's loading.
Hold on.
Tommy, what are you doing? How's it going? Look at you.
Look at you.
Where you going? Aw, that's sweet.
Come on.
Hey.
Aw.
Ah! I am one lucky camper.
Whoo! Yes, naked.
You got it.
All right, all right.
- Ah! - Whoo! - Whoo! - Yeah, what's up, lover? What's up, lover? I didn't order any pizza.
Give me the fucking money, man.
Not as big as you.
Not as big as this.
Hey.
What the fuck? What's up, baby? How's it going? Look at you.
- How is this - Look at you.
Where are you going? - Playing - Come on.
On your computer? Internet Entertainment Group? Internet Entertainment Group? We're a technology/entertainment company based out of Seattle, and I'm down here in the valley for a few days on a little scouting trip.
- Good for you, Dan.
- Rand.
Good luck with your brilliant, world-changing idea.
You little fucker.
I've been doing some digging.
It's a company out of Seattle.
They run a bunch of these camgirl sites.
Club Love is apparently the flagship.
- Camgirl? - Yeah.
It's kind of like an online peep show.
You pay a subscription and you watch girls.
They, you know, disrobe and then they They do things to themselves.
- Over the computer? - That's a thing? Yeah.
It's huge.
Big money in it.
Wait.
So then why are they playing our tape for free? Can you think of better publicity? Don't tell me we're not suing these guys.
They're playing our tape, Pamela, for free.
Thousands of fucking people - Millions.
- Are sitting there Millions.
- Millions.
- The VHS tape, that was a flu.
This is a plague.
Happy birthday, Merry Christmas.
Holy shit.
And that's just in the first 24 hours.
Has a video ever racked up that many views that fast? Has a video ever racked up that many views? I mean, look, everybody has a spike - Hey, Seth! - But look at 10:00 p.
m.
This just came.
They're suing us.
They're suing us! Fuck, yes! Oh, Valerie.
Is this not the best day ever? We're being sued, baby! Fuck yeah! Whoo! Seth Warshavsky's office.
Yeah, put him on.
Put him on now.
Um, may I ask who's calling? Uh, yeah, you sure can.
You tell him that it is the rightful owner of the Pam and Tommy tape, the person he's fucking stealing from! Hold please.
Okay.
I'm sorry, Mr.
Warshavsky's away from his desk at the moment.
That is fucking bullshit! Just put him on.
Could I take a message? You know what? Yes.
You can take a message.
Here's the message.
You tell him that Rand Gauthier, R-A-N-D G-A-U-T-H-I-E-R, is gonna come up there to Seattle and I'm gonna pop his fucking head off like a fucking dandelion! You got that? "Rand Gauthier is gonna come up "there to Seattle right fucking now and pop his head off like a fucking dandelion.
" Yes, exactly.
Also, go fuck yourself.
Fuck.
Hmm.
Welcome.
Hmm.
What can Charmaine do for you? I come seeking answers.
And what is the question? I'll tell you the question.
The question is why? Why does bad stuff keep happening to me when good stuff is supposed to be happening to me? Karma is supposed to be on my side, but it is not.
Well, why don't we take a look.
Please.
The Wheel of Fortune is moving in the wrong direction.
Yeah, I know.
Why? The Star, eh, you've hurt this person.
The star? Naked woman by the water, some sort of beach Oh, my God.
This is a joke! What now? - They denied our injunction.
- The judge.
He's arguing it's media.
So long as they're not charging people to watch it, it's considered commentary, and thus protected by the first amendment.
Yeah.
Well, how the fuck is a porno website media? "Electronic media," he's calling it.
Anything on the World Wide Web.
- That's insane.
- I agree with you, Tommy, which is why we're going to appeal.
How long will that take? The appeal process? That depends.
Days? Nope.
Not days.
Oh, I love you so much.
It's so nice.
- Yeah! - Mm.
I'm dying to break it.
Don't break it.
Hey, happy birthday, huh? I want it.
I wanna eat it.
Here they come! Pam! Pamela! I'm sorry! I'm so sorry.
It's me! It's Rand, the carpenter! I'm sorry! I'm Rand, and I'm so sorry! What do you think it's about? No clue.
He wouldn't say.
Sorry for the short notice.
What's up? Well, there's someone here who'd like to speak with you.
Who the fuck are you? To start off, I'd like to say thank you.
- For? - The injunction.
Thanks to your effort to block me, we now know it's actually legal to stream the tape.
What do you want? - What do I want? - Yeah, what do you want? I I want to make you an offer.
- An offer? - Yeah.
I want to buy the rights to the tape.
Go fuck yourself, dude.
Fucking offer.
You want a fucking offer? You want your fucking offer? - Huh? - Tommy, Tommy.
You'll never fucking get anything from me, ever fucking ever! You fucking Go fuck yourself.
Fucking offer.
You already have the rights.
No, I-I have the right to stream it for free.
I want to stream it for profit.
Go fuck yourself.
- You fucking - Just just so he knows, I go fuck myself and your tape will spread all over the web.
Hundreds of websites will post it.
I mean, you think a lot of people have seen it now? You ain't seen nothing yet.
And if you had the rights? I buy the online rights, and I start charging to watch.
It'd be illegal for anybody else to stream it, free or otherwise.
They'd be violating my constitutional right to make a profit off of something I own.
The chain of title would grant him the right to take down the unauthorized copies.
Exactly.
I could put it behind a paywall, slap a nice little watermark on there "Property of Internet Entertainment Group.
All rights reserved.
" A lot of people will know about it, yes, but very few will have actually seen it.
Probably on the order of 95% less, because that's the kind of drop off that you see when you charge for content versus give it away free.
So in summary, you can, A, do nothing, and And watch your tape spread like the plague all over the world.
Or B, sell me the rights.
It would be controlled and contained with far fewer people ever actually laying their, uh, pervy little eyes on it.
So, what's it gonna be? Door A or door B? Door go fuck yourself.
Okay.
There it is.
On the off chance you change your mind, that's a contract and that's an offer.
Later, asshole.
Uh, personally, I think you ought to consider.
Sandy, that dude's fucking blackmailing us.
Technically, it's not blackmail.
What the fuck, dude? What he said, it makes sense.
It's our fucking love on that tape.
- We're not selling it.
- But I just want this to be over.
Listen, we could contain the tape, and you'll still have some compensation for the hell that you've been through.
Compensation.
We're not making money off of this.
Not ever.
All right, then we're just back to square one.
- Give it to him.
- What? Grant him the rights for free.
What, are you fucking kidding me? No, I'm not kidding.
He doesn't get to buy me.
- Yes.
- Oh, okay.
So then what? He gets you for fucking free? He can have it.
I'm done.
Pamela, if we hand him the rights, they're gonna think we're in on it anyway! I don't give a shit what people think.
But I'm not making a deal with that fucking piece of shit on principle alone! Do you understand what this is doing to me? Yeah, I'm on that tape too.
No, not like me you're not.
You keep saying that, and that's fucking bullshit.
Okay.
I'm gonna leave you two.
Have some privacy to discuss this alone, okay? Can I do it without him? - What? - Yeah, can I do it alone? You both need to sign.
Can't believe you'd fucking do that.
Oh, I can't believe you're my husband.
Happy birthday, huh? I want it.
I wanna eat it.
Mm.
- I love you.
- What's next? - What's next? - This is my favorite.
- Look at him.
- Ooh-ooh! - Ooh! - I love you, baby.
Careful of the cake.
You're gonna fall in the cake.
Billy, you're drunk and I'm not one of your clients.
Just just sell me Why is she still with him? I have no idea.
Five minutes.
That's all I ask, okay? Just just five minutes of your time.
- Jesus Christ.
- Please, the there are some things I need to say.
- Rand - Two minutes.
Just two lousy minutes.
You'll never see me at this door ever again, okay? - Oh, my God.
- Don't do it.
Do not do it.
Go.
I, uh I came here to make amends.
I'm sorry for being such a pain in the ass to you all these years.
I know it's over between us.
I've just had a hard time letting go.
Obviously, you were the best thing that ever happened to me, and unfortunately, I was not the best thing that ever happened to you, which, you know, that sucks.
It fucking It big time sucks ass.
But you know, that's okay.
This will be the last time we ever speak.
- You will never see me again.
- Okay.
You don't have to go that far.
- Really? - No, I mean, we should definitely drift apart, but we could have contact every now and then.
Catch up over coffee.
Like, a few times a year? Yeah, that would be okay.
- Three or four, maybe? - Two or three.
Two.
Every six months.
Not bad.
You okay? Things have not been very good for me lately.
- I know.
- It's my own damn fault though.
I unleashed forces of chaos into this world.
I'm an agent of chaos.
You are not an agent of chaos.
- No, I am.
- You're a good person who's done some really stupid things.
Evil things, evil stuff.
Like steal someone's very private tape and release it into the world.
You had your reasons, Rand.
He fucked you over.
What did she ever do to me? Oh man, I feel terrible for women.
They got to deal with us.
Yeah.
You are not the greatest gender.
It's my dick on that tape too just the same as her pussy.
Can I help you? Congrats, man.
On what? That fucking fire hose.
Ooh! Doo, doo! That's really funny, dude.
Hey, dude.
That's really funny, man.
Yeah, yeah I'm a real fucking lucky dog! Do not complement me on my dick, you fuck! Okay, chill, chill.
- I'm sorry, bro.
- Tommy, chill! The fuck you looking at? The whole fucking world looking at my dick.
But, dude, you love showing your dick.
Albuquerque Civic Center "Shout at the Devil" tour, it was out the whole fucking drum solo.
That was consensual.
I chose to wag it.
I don't know, man.
There's worse things than the whole world knowing you got a monster hog.
Hey, babe.
What are you doing? I need to get out of LA.
Where are you going? Home.
Ladysmith? Please, I just I need some time.
I need some time away.
From me.
We're so good together, Pamela.
It's the world that's fucked.
- Baby - No.
Don't.
Stop.
Don't.
Oh, God.
You know what? Hey, let's run away.
Huh? You and me? Just the two of us, like in the beginning, remember? Remember how good it was when it was just you and me? Let's run away, baby.
Come on.
Let's do it.
Let's run away.
Please.
Come on, baby.
Where would we go? Heaven.
Oh! Shit! Think I got one.
I got a good one! It's a good one! Come on.
Ugh! Ah! Yay! - Whoo! - You got me.
Lake Mead! Come on, baby.
Hey! No cameras.
This is just what we needed, baby.
- You know? - Oh my God, so.
I love you! Tommy.
- What? - Come on.
You're falling asleep.
No, I I'm fine.
No, baby, you're exhausted.
Come on, let's stop.
It's dangerous, all right? We'll finish the drive in the morning.
Okay? I'm fine, but yeah, okay.
- You're so wrong.
- I'm not.
Tommy, come on.
Hi.
Your finest room please.
Baby - Yeah, it's good.
- Hey.
Holy shit, dude, is that Pam Anderson? Fuck.
Thanks.
- Yo, you the man, Tommy.
- Love you, Pamela.
Oh, my God, it's Tommy Lee.
Fuck.
Yeah, sounds good.
Thanks, bro.
- Ow.
- What the hell? Stay the fuck back! You hurt my arm.
I'm sorry.
Gee, that was sincere.
Beary bear.
I have him.
He's in the bag.
I want him now.
I'll give you Beary Bear in the room, okay? Okay, Dada.
- What? - Good evening, Mr.
Lee.
- This is - Did you not see the fucking "Do Not Disturb" sign? Apologies, this is a welcome gift from the manager.
Jesus.
If you work at a hotel and you see a "Do Not Disturb" sign, would you still walk in? Please stop.
You're so loud.
- What? - I'd just like five minutes without any drama.
Would that be possible? Baby, I'm not the one that ignored the sign.
You are the one that flipped out over it.
- I'm sorry.
- Ugh, God.
You're sorry a lot, Tommy.
Would you rather I not be? I'd rather you not do the thing requiring the sorry.
Ugh.
Ugh, can you turn up the air? I'm boiling.
8, 8 1/2.
Damn.
Not that I measured.
I mean, aye, if the music doesn't work out, you could always be a porn star.
Aw, yeah, bro.
Just fucking, you know, uh, Vivid Video presents Tommy Lee, "Kickstart My Hard On.
" - "Doctor Fuck Good.
" - Yeah.
Yeah, you thought he pounded the skins on the drums, but then just fucking That's fucking What's up, babe? Pamela.
Babe.
Babe! What the fuck are you looking at? Pamela! Pamela! I don't know.
Well, where the fuck is it? Your wife, she took it.
When? A while ago.
Can I borrow your bike? It would be an honor.
Cool.
You may kiss the bride.
I'm sorry.
I know I can be a real asshole sometimes, but I'm just I'm gonna try to do better.
No, fuck that.
I am gonna do better.
You deserve everything, baby.
Sign it.
Pamela.
Sign it.
This is our private, stolen fucking life.
- I don't care.
- You don't care? You're gonna let that guy just fucking Sign it, Tommy.
Now.
What if I don't? What if I don't? What happens? What happens if I don't sign it? Just say something, please.
Just say something, Pamela, please.
Just anything.
Say something.
Fucking say something! Fuck! Goddamn it! Say something! That good? You happy? It's over.
What's over? What do you think? It's good.
- Then what's the matter? - The image quality.
Yeah, it'd be great to have a better copy.
Hi there.
Hi.
Would you like a picture? No.
I'm sorry for all the pain and hurt I've caused.
I just hope you could find it in your heart to forgive me.
Rand! Hello.
I'm very sorry that I missed your call, man.
What the fuck? Wait, have we met? You look so familiar.
What are you doing here? Um, well, as apparently, you know, I'm the one streaming the tape, but I'm doing it off a third generation dub, you know, which is fine for a freebie, but I'd like to start charging, so I would love to get the original.
Fuck off.
- I'm willing to pay.
- It's not for sale.
And why is that? It's because I had a moral epiphany.
A moral epiphany? I realized that what I did was wrong and as such, my conscience will not allow me $10,000.
How much? Pay off Butchie.
Clear your debt.
Get a decent place to live.
Oh, where are you Yeah, you're doing great.
The baby's almost out, okay? The baby's almost out.
Last push, let's have a baby.
The baby's coming! There we go.
Baby, look! My baby.
Look into the camera, baby.
Baby, look into the camera.
Just smile for me, baby.
Baby.
This is crazy.
"Dear Erica, in this bag is $10,000.
" "I'm giving it to you to cover the Europe phone calls "and also our divorce.
"If anything is leftover, please spend it "on something happy and fun for you and Danielle.
Yours in karma, Rand.
"