Paradise PD (2018) s01e08 Episode Script
Episode 8
A NETFLIX ORIGINAL SERIES Trust me, boss.
We gonna move so much argyle meth you'll be rich enough to pay Brendan Fraser to tickle your tank.
He only charged me $30, Robbie.
Mark my words.
We know how to motivate our drug dealers.
Good morning, drug dealers! Delbert, look at all these winners out here.
Now, y'all had a great week last week, but our boss wants you to move even more argyle meth.
Can you tell me more about the many benefits of this great product? Good question man! I don't know.
First of all, it cures ADHD.
Plus it makes you feel like this.
[whooping.]
[dog roaring.]
But my customers keep complaining about their teeth falling out.
Who the hell needs teeth? Fish ain't got no teeth, and they way smarter than we is.
Ain't that right, woman I don't know? I always say, teeth are just a bunch of blowjob blockers.
Speaking of fish, this month's top seller wins this Billy Bigmouth Bass.
Uh and gets to screw Delbert's sister.
[all whooping.]
- Delbert, where the hell you going? - To sell some argyle meth.
If anybody's screwing my sister, it's gonna be me.
All right, but you gotta take in Chemo Man with you.
He's shedding all over the damn floor.
PARADISE POLICE DEPARTMEN Okay, argyle meth task force, welcome to our first briefing.
If everybody could just focus on this case we got nothing to go on.
Because I took this from the bathroom.
[laughing hysterically.]
This guy's a goddamn genius! A comedy genius! - What the hell are you wearing, bro? - Just because we're cops doesn't mean I can't look cute.
Get out of my face! [both yelling.]
Get off me, you slimy shitcocks! [moans in pain.]
[laughs.]
She showed you, Ronnie! Oh! Now I feel it in my stomach.
Do that to me next.
I like it rough.
Well, I guess I do.
I can't feel shit.
Hey, Stephen Stocking, one more pervy comment and I'll pound your face.
You promise? - Uh-huh Hey, keep it down! - [crashing.]
Yes, we'd love for your magazine to do a story on our police department.
What's the name of it again? Señor what? [woman roaring.]
Hello? God damn it! An international magazine is coming to do a story on us and we need some good PR, which we ain't gonna get with the Retardridge Family doofing up the joint.
Kevin, get these freaks outta here! Dad, they're my argyle meth task force, remember? All right, fine.
Hey, how about I give you your own special task force headquarters? Really? That's amazing! Where? This is awesome! When Dad said basement, I thought it was gonna be gross or something.
Where is this water coming from? [toilet flushing.]
Ew What's the first thing we need to spruce this place up? [Stephen.]
A ramp.
Dusty! You're four months late on the rent.
You know what? I had your rent money and I was about to put it in that little slot in your door and this big old cross-eyed monkey came swinging down and it had a sailor hat on.
He swept it right out of my hands.
So, I do not have this month's rent.
[growling.]
Bullshit! I know it was not the monkey, because I caught the monkey! You don't have the rent because you spend all your money on your stupid cats! I only buy my cats, the barest of necessities.
[meowing and purring.]
Does that cat have braces? Well, I can't send Mr.
Meowgi to cat kindergarten with crooked teeth now, can I? Kittens can be cruel.
You get me money in three days or I shoot you in your fat fucking fuck-face! Fine, I'll get your money.
Jeez! It ain't like I spend thatmuch on my cats.
[meowing.]
Okay, our mission is to wipe argyle meth off the streets.
These are the hot spots.
Call off the investigation! I found the kingpin.
[Fitz laughing hysterically.]
How does he come up with this shit? I've seen funnier prison rapes.
Fitz, are you joining my task force? We could totally use you.
No! I'm just here for the hilarious prop comedy! Looks like I got a colored fan.
[high-pitched laughing.]
Ooh! He even makes racism funny.
Suit yourself.
This task force has some heads to bust.
[rock music.]
Hey, cat, you gotta fix for this druggie? You know what I mean, daddy-o? You dig? You are under arrest! That'll teach me for not looking slightly further to the left.
[siren wailing.]
[car screeching.]
Freeze! Case closed! [laughing.]
[Fitz laughing hysterically.]
He said, "case closed!" As he closed the case! Fuck Seinfeld! Fuck him! [continues laughing.]
Thank you so much for helping me cover my rent by selling stuff on a bay, Bullet.
It's eBay.
Anyone ever tell you that you pronounce things weird? Don't be Roald Dickless now.
I'm looking around for things to sell and I'm realizing that all the good stuff in my apartment belongs to my cats.
Do you have anything valuable? I never thought I'd say this, but since this is life or death, I could auction off my virginia-ty.
Oh, hold on! Did you just say you want to auction off your virginity? My Virginia tee, yes.
I've been waiting a long time to give it to the right person, but at this point, I'm just so desperate, I have no choice.
Well, it's illegal to post it on eBay.
- That's a weird rule.
- I know, right? But I think I can post it on DARK WEB METH, GUNS the dark web.
Okay.
What do you want me to put in the description? First thing they should know is that it's tight.
Real tight.
Least, I think it is.
You want me to send you a picture? No! I mean - No! - It's funny.
When I was a kid, my uncle was always trying to pay me for it, but he's so big, I was afraid he'd stretch it out.
Yeah I got to go.
Ouf! Hey, Dad, look at all the busts we made.
No, son, do not track dirt in here! I just spent two hours cleaning all the blood and teeth out of the interrogation room.
Everything has got to be perfect for that magazine.
And Hopson's balls are outside his pants again.
Yeah, I got to get you out of here.
Hopson! Great news.
I just got two tickets to the first amusement park for old people.
Angela Lansbury Land? Yeah, that's it.
I didn't know that existed.
Yeah, off to Cabot Cove.
Just get in the goddamn truck.
Well, you must be jealous.
My task force has already busted every street dealer in Paradise.
It's not too late to join the winning team, big guy.
Kevin, them corner boys are like anal warts.
Sure, you can burn them off with a BiC lighter, but within a few days, they'll be back and tough as ever.
Fitz, do you have anal warts? That's not important right now, Kevin.
I'm just saying, it's too early to book a blimp to Pussyland.
I think we should book a blimp to Pussyland because my task force cleaned up every block in this town.
Those dealers are gone for good.
Oh, yeah? Well, look out the window.
Hi, car-fucker.
- You want to buy some argyle meth? - [Kevin groaning.]
Dang! At this rate, if I'm going to get to screw my sister, I'll have to wait till Christmas.
Hey, boss.
Now, it ain't our fault that sales are down.
Our dealers got busted by a bunch of freak show cops.
Now, look, I know you're gonna be reasonable about this.
Whoa! Ow.
Ow.
Ow.
No! That was his tank-tickling hand! Him and Brendan Fraser were gonna be billionaires.
TAINT MISBEHAVIN' CLOSED Angela Lansbury Land looks a lot like a remote forest.
Hopson, you're always so damn negative! This is a theme park, and the theme is fun! Here, try the log ride.
Oh, can't forget the safety restraint.
Have fun! Normally when I'm chained to a log in the woods, I have an erection.
Oh, there it is.
Robbie, you wanted to see me? Hey, car-fucker.
I got some information on the argyle meth kingpin.
So the kingpin wasn't Terry Two Toes? I knew it! Who is it? We ain't never seen his face, but he does call us on this phone.
Wait for his next call, then bust that son of a bitch.
How do I know he'll call? Because he's got a big distribution plan to take his entire operation to every city in the state by Christmas.
Just don't tell nobody we gave this phone to you.
He'll kill us.
I don't understand.
Why are you helping me out like this? Because of what that asshole did to my best friend.
Look at this shit! I tried to cheer him up by dressing him like Trap Jaw from He-Man.
I won't be cheered up till She-Ra gets here.
Give me a minute.
Kevin, you feel like filming some really weird shit for us? I don't know how to work those old cameras.
I'll use my phone.
Oh! No bids at all? You think it's 'cause you spelled it wrong? Okay, I think I know how to get this unholy party started.
Hey, Gina.
Just a quick FYI.
Dusty's selling his virginity on the dark web.
Just emailed you the link.
Oh, how interesting.
I'll check my email at my earliest convenience.
Actually, my laptop's right here.
Wow! A bid.
Five thousand dollars! Bullet, you know who Damp For Dusty 69 is? DAMP FOR DUSTY 69 - My guess would be Gina.
- Now, why would Gina want to pay 5,000 bucks for a T-shirt? A T-shirt? What Oh, my God.
We're auctioning off your virginity, not your Virginia tee, you idiot! Okay, to me, it sounds like you said the same thing twice.
All right, you know what? I'll make it simple.
When Gina wins the auction, this is what's going to happen to your body.
[indistinct whispering.]
Oh my! Oh my goodness! People put stuff up there? In the front butt? [yelling and yammering.]
AUDIO AND ELECTRONICS Come on! Ring! Ring! - Kevin.
- [Kevin screams.]
Oh! Fitz.
I really need you on my task force now.
I know from a source that the kingpin is planning a state-wide argyle meth distribution.
That isa good lead, but you'll need to dig deeper to uncover his method of distribution.
They're not just gonna parade right in front of you.
You're looking for a group that can travel from town to town, that can sell the product to ladies, gentlemen and children of all ages.
- Fitz - Stay focused.
These will be fearless people and bloodthirsty animals.
[tiger roaring.]
Fitz! Just turn around for a second.
No, sir.
Not until I have said what I have to say.
There.
I am done.
Now, what is so urgent that you needed me to turn around? WILL YOU MARRY ME? [Fitz sighing.]
Kevin, I'm going to need a few days to think about this, but I will be on your task force.
All right, task force.
This is our new target.
Get out! No trans fats in the popcorn? Please! Seems too good to be true.
I don't have any trans fats either.
But I do have a fat trans.
[high-pitched giggling.]
[roaring with laughter.]
Oh! Oh! Oh! I don't get it.
Fitz, this is what I was trying to tell you.
This circus hits every major town in the state.
I'll bet the kingpin plans to use them to distribute his argyle meth.
We need to investigate.
Oh, hell, no! Circus folks are way too dangerous, especially the clowns.
[Fitz gibbering.]
- The clowns? - Where? Fitz, you're scared of clowns? What happened to me back on Cherry Street all those years ago.
Oh! Scarred me for the rest of my life.
[thunder rumbling.]
Hey, kid.
You wanna see It: The Uncut Version? [clown roars.]
Hola, amigos! El camino Palo Loco! Arriba, arriba! Aw, come on, nothing? You are the guys from that Señor Living magazine, right? It's Senior Living, as in for the elderly.
I'm sorry, did you think we were from a Mexican magazine called Señor Living? No.
No, we're here to do a story on Officer Hopson, the oldest active-duty cop in America, outside of Tom Selleck on Blue Bloods.
We want to show how wonderful you and Paradise PD treat a senior citizen like him.
Can we speak to him? I I got to take a shit.
POOP ON A LOOP - Shit! - [crashing.]
- Take that! $7,000.
- You can't bid on your own auction, Dusty! I'm not! There happen to be several outside parties bidding on it.
I don't control who wants my biscuit.
There are three other bidders and their names are Kittens 4ever, Pork Rinds 4ever and Joe Biden.
Come on, Dusty, seriously? Joe Biden? I don't know what you're talking about.
Okay, that's it.
I'm sending a complaint.
Oh, what the heck? Seriously? I'm gonna get you! I'm gonna get your fat ass! Oh, man! Head on a swivel, guys.
See, Fitz? I told you there wouldn't be any clowns at the circus.
They're here somewhere.
I can smell their parents' disappointment.
Hey! What are you doing creeping around back here? This area's for circus folk only.
Actually, we are circus folk.
Oh, yeah? What do you call yourselves? - The, uh, police.
- The police? Es.
The Police-es.
The Police-es? You're the famous Police-es who founded the legendary Circo di Palermo in 1853? We sure did that thing you said.
Of course! I'll feature you in our next show.
And don't worry.
I'll give you the most difficult stunts we have.
[chuckling.]
Actually, I don't do the stunts.
I'm, like their manager.
And I have anal warts.
Ladies and gentlemen, I am proud to present, straight from Sicily, the one and only Police-es! [cheering.]
[tiger roaring.]
Hey, tiger, I'm gonna tame you with this Cool Whip! [high-pitched giggling.]
[tiger roaring.]
[crowd jeering.]
Circus ain't a circus without some good old-fashioned tiger rape.
[both yelling.]
Bro! Stick it out your own ass! Get your greasy carny hands off me.
Oh, shit.
[cheering.]
Dang it all to heck, Bullet! Gina's gonna win my Virginia tee, or whatever you call it, and that stupid old dark web blocked all my accounts.
I should go down there and give them a piece of my mind.
You fucking idiot! It's a dark web.
It's a top-secret forum for criminals, hackers and perverts, all kinds of sickos.
You can't just go in there.
It doesn't have a headquarters.
DARK WEB - I'll be damned! - Welcome to the dark web.
Hi.
I wanna file a complaint.
And we at the dark web want to listen, so that we can provide a superior user experience.
Hi.
Dark Zuckerberg, CEO.
Let me give you fellas a little tour.
We're very proud of this.
That's our sex trade wing.
Dirty bomb annex, endangered animals Oh, there's Jimmy.
He works for our murder for hire department.
Hi.
And here's our chill-out lounge.
We got bowls of MDMA, Romanian hookers, and discount babies if you fellas are in the market.
[machine beeping.]
[grumbling.]
I mean, it's a lovely campus, Mr.
Suckaturd, but it don't change the fact that I need you to shut down my virginity auction.
Oh, I wish I could help, Dusty.
But if you'd read our terms of service, you'd know that any cancellation would result in us canceling you.
- I hate the dark web! - Really? 'Cause I just bought a Romanian wife and plutonium! How rad is that? [sniffing.]
Oh, God, why do I smell colors? Crap! Hopson! Hopson! He must be in the other side already.
Hopson, I [sniffs.]
Ooh! Smells like he's in there.
I'm coming in, Hopson.
Grab my hand! [bear roaring.]
[screaming.]
They've been moving crates into that tent all night.
Lady Gertrude is the argyle meth kingpin's distributor.
If I can just get into that tent, I can prove it.
You guys get to the show, so they don't get suspicious.
They don't wanna go.
They're scared.
They may not survive another show.
Come on, fellas.
Everybody dies.
That's how God lets us know he hates us.
[cheering.]
You heard him, guys.
Let's go! Excuse me.
Get away from me, clown! Fitz, that's not a clown.
That's Kathy Griffin.
Yeah, I know.
- [beeping.]
- Crap! We're on.
Time to find the meth.
[operatic singing.]
- What are you doing? - Look at this crowd! I'm gonna put a little Sriracha on this one.
No, no Sriracha, not now.
Not now! I regret nothing.
Oh, my God! It's a miracle! I'm cured! I'm putting my life at stake! [tiger growling.]
No! Well, at least I showed some guts.
[Fitz sobbing.]
He's still got it.
Talk about heart-stopping action, huh? [Fitz laughing hysterically.]
[sobbing.]
Hey, look, it's me, Hopson.
I'm an old racist pervert.
Desi Arnaz played Babalu on my ass.
Oh, no.
That's the son of a bitch who chained me to a log and left me for dead.
Oh, there you are, Hopsy, you old jokester, you! Tell these nice people how much you love it here.
Love it, my ass! You know what he's done to me? He left me glued to the ceiling, tricked me into thinking I was a ghost, sent me to a nursing home that grew scallops on my neck.
Now, there's a perfectly logical explanation for all this.
I know.
He obviously has some severe dementia.
They come up with some wild tales.
Come on, scallops on the neck? What? All 'em stories is true.
He's still got a couple scallops on his neck if y'all are hungry.
- Dusty! - Dear God! Don't you worry, Mr.
Hopson.
Senior Living will shine a light on this disgusting elder abuse! The world will see just how horrible Paradise PD really is.
I think that went pretty well.
[roaring and choking.]
[camera shutter clicks.]
Please don't put that on the cover of Senior Living.
Anything but that! Anything? CHOKING GEEEZERS MONTHLY HOT COP ACTION FOR YOUR JACKOFF PLEASURE You gotta be fucking kidding me! This is a disaster.
I think it's an honor.
This has been my favorite magazine since I was a child.
[panting.]
Sixty seconds left, Dusty.
Don't worry.
I'll be gentle.
Heavens to Betsy! Oh, why did we ever get started with that old dark web? You're telling me! - [glass smashing.]
- [yelling in Slavic language.]
I don't know what you're saying, all right? I want a divorce.
Divor-ciana! Davor-ciana! Oh, fuck off! Come on, panda.
Don't eat the plutonium! [screaming.]
Okay, well that worked out.
Time's up, Dusty.
In five, four, three Wait a minute! A last-second bid just came in! - From who? - User name R-S-X-H O-N-G-D-K L-G-N-3.
Who typed that, a cat? WINNER [grunting.]
Kevin! The entire task force, they're all dead! What? Oh, my God! Someone must've sabotaged their acts.
Or that's what happens when untrained cripples do dangerous circus shit.
You're responsible for the deaths of Prop Cop and the other three whose names I can't recall.
Do you want them to have died for nothing? Let's solve this case for them.
Man, you have lost it.
I'm out.
Fine.
Go! I guess I'm the task force now.
Mr.
Police-es? What a pleasant surprise.
Lady Gertrude.
I was just sneaking into my secret tent? You naughty thing! I know what you're after.
You wanna hike the happy trail.
No! I Wait.
What's the happy trail? You thought I was packing only one magnificent beard? Wow! It's mesmerizing.
It looks like Gandalf the Grey eating a Gordita Supreme.
Isn't that why you're here? To surf the salty beard? Or is there some other reason you've been sneaking around? No.
I'm here to surf the beard.
So let me just go over and surf that beard.
[shrieking.]
I'm sorry.
I can't.
It looks like Albert Einstein fell into a table saw.
So you were lying to me! Thought you were clever.
Thought you'd come in here and bring down our little operation.
Well, you thought wrong.
Seriously, it's like someone put a Phil Spector wig on a half-eaten chicken pot pie.
- Shut up! - Look, lady, my partner is right outside.
Your partner can't help you now.
[hooting.]
- [sinister music playing.]
- Where is that music coming from? Oh, it's in my head.
[screaming.]
[screaming.]
No! Don't put me in your tiny car! Anything but that! You better pull the trigger, because as long as I'm alive, I'll never rest until I stop you from distributing the argyle meth inside those crates.
Argyle meth? It's trans fats! Wait.
So you're not from the health department to bust us for using trans fats, even though we label our popcorn 100% trans-fat-free? No.
I'm a cop, here to shut down a drug distribution ring.
You were gonna shoot me over trans fats? What? It was either that or get a $100 fine.
I'm on Social Security.
And to think all this got your partner murdered by clowns.
Well, everybody dies.
That's how God lets us know he hates us.
Fitz! Hi, Sis, got you some flowers.
[wolf whistling.]
Wow! Looks like ZZ Top gnawing on a beef and cheddar.
Just like Mama's.
Hang on, Fitz, I'm coming.
How many of you fit in this thing? Fitz I need an ambulance.
[horn honking.]
Not a clown ambulance! Ooh! Hooray, Mr.
Meowgi.
You saved my butt by walking over that keyboard and accidentally winning my auction.
A cat buying a man's virginity.
I mean, what are you gonna do with it? Oh, fart-knocker! All right, make it quick.
And you can't watch, Joe Biden.
Aw, man! I'm sorry, Fitz.
I should've listened to you.
I got three good cops and a dancer killed.
I've turned you into a vegetable.
All over what? Trans fats? Oh, the poor bastard.
You were right all along, Dad.
I'm not cut out to be a cop.
What, because a few people died? That's all part of the job.
I ran over a guy on the way here.
- Son, you are a good cop.
- I don't wanna hear it.
I quit.
Kevin, you realize that you can't just throw a gun in a garbage can? See, perfect example.
I don't know shit about being a cop.
Well, that's more common sense than anything.
- Just leave it.
- Okay.
I'll give you some time alone with Fitz.
I wanted to take you down so bad, but I'm done trying to be the hero.
At least now I won't be responsible for getting anyone else hurt.
[gunshot.]
Starting now.
[phone vibrating.]
Subtitle translation by
We gonna move so much argyle meth you'll be rich enough to pay Brendan Fraser to tickle your tank.
He only charged me $30, Robbie.
Mark my words.
We know how to motivate our drug dealers.
Good morning, drug dealers! Delbert, look at all these winners out here.
Now, y'all had a great week last week, but our boss wants you to move even more argyle meth.
Can you tell me more about the many benefits of this great product? Good question man! I don't know.
First of all, it cures ADHD.
Plus it makes you feel like this.
[whooping.]
[dog roaring.]
But my customers keep complaining about their teeth falling out.
Who the hell needs teeth? Fish ain't got no teeth, and they way smarter than we is.
Ain't that right, woman I don't know? I always say, teeth are just a bunch of blowjob blockers.
Speaking of fish, this month's top seller wins this Billy Bigmouth Bass.
Uh and gets to screw Delbert's sister.
[all whooping.]
- Delbert, where the hell you going? - To sell some argyle meth.
If anybody's screwing my sister, it's gonna be me.
All right, but you gotta take in Chemo Man with you.
He's shedding all over the damn floor.
PARADISE POLICE DEPARTMEN Okay, argyle meth task force, welcome to our first briefing.
If everybody could just focus on this case we got nothing to go on.
Because I took this from the bathroom.
[laughing hysterically.]
This guy's a goddamn genius! A comedy genius! - What the hell are you wearing, bro? - Just because we're cops doesn't mean I can't look cute.
Get out of my face! [both yelling.]
Get off me, you slimy shitcocks! [moans in pain.]
[laughs.]
She showed you, Ronnie! Oh! Now I feel it in my stomach.
Do that to me next.
I like it rough.
Well, I guess I do.
I can't feel shit.
Hey, Stephen Stocking, one more pervy comment and I'll pound your face.
You promise? - Uh-huh Hey, keep it down! - [crashing.]
Yes, we'd love for your magazine to do a story on our police department.
What's the name of it again? Señor what? [woman roaring.]
Hello? God damn it! An international magazine is coming to do a story on us and we need some good PR, which we ain't gonna get with the Retardridge Family doofing up the joint.
Kevin, get these freaks outta here! Dad, they're my argyle meth task force, remember? All right, fine.
Hey, how about I give you your own special task force headquarters? Really? That's amazing! Where? This is awesome! When Dad said basement, I thought it was gonna be gross or something.
Where is this water coming from? [toilet flushing.]
Ew What's the first thing we need to spruce this place up? [Stephen.]
A ramp.
Dusty! You're four months late on the rent.
You know what? I had your rent money and I was about to put it in that little slot in your door and this big old cross-eyed monkey came swinging down and it had a sailor hat on.
He swept it right out of my hands.
So, I do not have this month's rent.
[growling.]
Bullshit! I know it was not the monkey, because I caught the monkey! You don't have the rent because you spend all your money on your stupid cats! I only buy my cats, the barest of necessities.
[meowing and purring.]
Does that cat have braces? Well, I can't send Mr.
Meowgi to cat kindergarten with crooked teeth now, can I? Kittens can be cruel.
You get me money in three days or I shoot you in your fat fucking fuck-face! Fine, I'll get your money.
Jeez! It ain't like I spend thatmuch on my cats.
[meowing.]
Okay, our mission is to wipe argyle meth off the streets.
These are the hot spots.
Call off the investigation! I found the kingpin.
[Fitz laughing hysterically.]
How does he come up with this shit? I've seen funnier prison rapes.
Fitz, are you joining my task force? We could totally use you.
No! I'm just here for the hilarious prop comedy! Looks like I got a colored fan.
[high-pitched laughing.]
Ooh! He even makes racism funny.
Suit yourself.
This task force has some heads to bust.
[rock music.]
Hey, cat, you gotta fix for this druggie? You know what I mean, daddy-o? You dig? You are under arrest! That'll teach me for not looking slightly further to the left.
[siren wailing.]
[car screeching.]
Freeze! Case closed! [laughing.]
[Fitz laughing hysterically.]
He said, "case closed!" As he closed the case! Fuck Seinfeld! Fuck him! [continues laughing.]
Thank you so much for helping me cover my rent by selling stuff on a bay, Bullet.
It's eBay.
Anyone ever tell you that you pronounce things weird? Don't be Roald Dickless now.
I'm looking around for things to sell and I'm realizing that all the good stuff in my apartment belongs to my cats.
Do you have anything valuable? I never thought I'd say this, but since this is life or death, I could auction off my virginia-ty.
Oh, hold on! Did you just say you want to auction off your virginity? My Virginia tee, yes.
I've been waiting a long time to give it to the right person, but at this point, I'm just so desperate, I have no choice.
Well, it's illegal to post it on eBay.
- That's a weird rule.
- I know, right? But I think I can post it on DARK WEB METH, GUNS the dark web.
Okay.
What do you want me to put in the description? First thing they should know is that it's tight.
Real tight.
Least, I think it is.
You want me to send you a picture? No! I mean - No! - It's funny.
When I was a kid, my uncle was always trying to pay me for it, but he's so big, I was afraid he'd stretch it out.
Yeah I got to go.
Ouf! Hey, Dad, look at all the busts we made.
No, son, do not track dirt in here! I just spent two hours cleaning all the blood and teeth out of the interrogation room.
Everything has got to be perfect for that magazine.
And Hopson's balls are outside his pants again.
Yeah, I got to get you out of here.
Hopson! Great news.
I just got two tickets to the first amusement park for old people.
Angela Lansbury Land? Yeah, that's it.
I didn't know that existed.
Yeah, off to Cabot Cove.
Just get in the goddamn truck.
Well, you must be jealous.
My task force has already busted every street dealer in Paradise.
It's not too late to join the winning team, big guy.
Kevin, them corner boys are like anal warts.
Sure, you can burn them off with a BiC lighter, but within a few days, they'll be back and tough as ever.
Fitz, do you have anal warts? That's not important right now, Kevin.
I'm just saying, it's too early to book a blimp to Pussyland.
I think we should book a blimp to Pussyland because my task force cleaned up every block in this town.
Those dealers are gone for good.
Oh, yeah? Well, look out the window.
Hi, car-fucker.
- You want to buy some argyle meth? - [Kevin groaning.]
Dang! At this rate, if I'm going to get to screw my sister, I'll have to wait till Christmas.
Hey, boss.
Now, it ain't our fault that sales are down.
Our dealers got busted by a bunch of freak show cops.
Now, look, I know you're gonna be reasonable about this.
Whoa! Ow.
Ow.
Ow.
No! That was his tank-tickling hand! Him and Brendan Fraser were gonna be billionaires.
TAINT MISBEHAVIN' CLOSED Angela Lansbury Land looks a lot like a remote forest.
Hopson, you're always so damn negative! This is a theme park, and the theme is fun! Here, try the log ride.
Oh, can't forget the safety restraint.
Have fun! Normally when I'm chained to a log in the woods, I have an erection.
Oh, there it is.
Robbie, you wanted to see me? Hey, car-fucker.
I got some information on the argyle meth kingpin.
So the kingpin wasn't Terry Two Toes? I knew it! Who is it? We ain't never seen his face, but he does call us on this phone.
Wait for his next call, then bust that son of a bitch.
How do I know he'll call? Because he's got a big distribution plan to take his entire operation to every city in the state by Christmas.
Just don't tell nobody we gave this phone to you.
He'll kill us.
I don't understand.
Why are you helping me out like this? Because of what that asshole did to my best friend.
Look at this shit! I tried to cheer him up by dressing him like Trap Jaw from He-Man.
I won't be cheered up till She-Ra gets here.
Give me a minute.
Kevin, you feel like filming some really weird shit for us? I don't know how to work those old cameras.
I'll use my phone.
Oh! No bids at all? You think it's 'cause you spelled it wrong? Okay, I think I know how to get this unholy party started.
Hey, Gina.
Just a quick FYI.
Dusty's selling his virginity on the dark web.
Just emailed you the link.
Oh, how interesting.
I'll check my email at my earliest convenience.
Actually, my laptop's right here.
Wow! A bid.
Five thousand dollars! Bullet, you know who Damp For Dusty 69 is? DAMP FOR DUSTY 69 - My guess would be Gina.
- Now, why would Gina want to pay 5,000 bucks for a T-shirt? A T-shirt? What Oh, my God.
We're auctioning off your virginity, not your Virginia tee, you idiot! Okay, to me, it sounds like you said the same thing twice.
All right, you know what? I'll make it simple.
When Gina wins the auction, this is what's going to happen to your body.
[indistinct whispering.]
Oh my! Oh my goodness! People put stuff up there? In the front butt? [yelling and yammering.]
AUDIO AND ELECTRONICS Come on! Ring! Ring! - Kevin.
- [Kevin screams.]
Oh! Fitz.
I really need you on my task force now.
I know from a source that the kingpin is planning a state-wide argyle meth distribution.
That isa good lead, but you'll need to dig deeper to uncover his method of distribution.
They're not just gonna parade right in front of you.
You're looking for a group that can travel from town to town, that can sell the product to ladies, gentlemen and children of all ages.
- Fitz - Stay focused.
These will be fearless people and bloodthirsty animals.
[tiger roaring.]
Fitz! Just turn around for a second.
No, sir.
Not until I have said what I have to say.
There.
I am done.
Now, what is so urgent that you needed me to turn around? WILL YOU MARRY ME? [Fitz sighing.]
Kevin, I'm going to need a few days to think about this, but I will be on your task force.
All right, task force.
This is our new target.
Get out! No trans fats in the popcorn? Please! Seems too good to be true.
I don't have any trans fats either.
But I do have a fat trans.
[high-pitched giggling.]
[roaring with laughter.]
Oh! Oh! Oh! I don't get it.
Fitz, this is what I was trying to tell you.
This circus hits every major town in the state.
I'll bet the kingpin plans to use them to distribute his argyle meth.
We need to investigate.
Oh, hell, no! Circus folks are way too dangerous, especially the clowns.
[Fitz gibbering.]
- The clowns? - Where? Fitz, you're scared of clowns? What happened to me back on Cherry Street all those years ago.
Oh! Scarred me for the rest of my life.
[thunder rumbling.]
Hey, kid.
You wanna see It: The Uncut Version? [clown roars.]
Hola, amigos! El camino Palo Loco! Arriba, arriba! Aw, come on, nothing? You are the guys from that Señor Living magazine, right? It's Senior Living, as in for the elderly.
I'm sorry, did you think we were from a Mexican magazine called Señor Living? No.
No, we're here to do a story on Officer Hopson, the oldest active-duty cop in America, outside of Tom Selleck on Blue Bloods.
We want to show how wonderful you and Paradise PD treat a senior citizen like him.
Can we speak to him? I I got to take a shit.
POOP ON A LOOP - Shit! - [crashing.]
- Take that! $7,000.
- You can't bid on your own auction, Dusty! I'm not! There happen to be several outside parties bidding on it.
I don't control who wants my biscuit.
There are three other bidders and their names are Kittens 4ever, Pork Rinds 4ever and Joe Biden.
Come on, Dusty, seriously? Joe Biden? I don't know what you're talking about.
Okay, that's it.
I'm sending a complaint.
Oh, what the heck? Seriously? I'm gonna get you! I'm gonna get your fat ass! Oh, man! Head on a swivel, guys.
See, Fitz? I told you there wouldn't be any clowns at the circus.
They're here somewhere.
I can smell their parents' disappointment.
Hey! What are you doing creeping around back here? This area's for circus folk only.
Actually, we are circus folk.
Oh, yeah? What do you call yourselves? - The, uh, police.
- The police? Es.
The Police-es.
The Police-es? You're the famous Police-es who founded the legendary Circo di Palermo in 1853? We sure did that thing you said.
Of course! I'll feature you in our next show.
And don't worry.
I'll give you the most difficult stunts we have.
[chuckling.]
Actually, I don't do the stunts.
I'm, like their manager.
And I have anal warts.
Ladies and gentlemen, I am proud to present, straight from Sicily, the one and only Police-es! [cheering.]
[tiger roaring.]
Hey, tiger, I'm gonna tame you with this Cool Whip! [high-pitched giggling.]
[tiger roaring.]
[crowd jeering.]
Circus ain't a circus without some good old-fashioned tiger rape.
[both yelling.]
Bro! Stick it out your own ass! Get your greasy carny hands off me.
Oh, shit.
[cheering.]
Dang it all to heck, Bullet! Gina's gonna win my Virginia tee, or whatever you call it, and that stupid old dark web blocked all my accounts.
I should go down there and give them a piece of my mind.
You fucking idiot! It's a dark web.
It's a top-secret forum for criminals, hackers and perverts, all kinds of sickos.
You can't just go in there.
It doesn't have a headquarters.
DARK WEB - I'll be damned! - Welcome to the dark web.
Hi.
I wanna file a complaint.
And we at the dark web want to listen, so that we can provide a superior user experience.
Hi.
Dark Zuckerberg, CEO.
Let me give you fellas a little tour.
We're very proud of this.
That's our sex trade wing.
Dirty bomb annex, endangered animals Oh, there's Jimmy.
He works for our murder for hire department.
Hi.
And here's our chill-out lounge.
We got bowls of MDMA, Romanian hookers, and discount babies if you fellas are in the market.
[machine beeping.]
[grumbling.]
I mean, it's a lovely campus, Mr.
Suckaturd, but it don't change the fact that I need you to shut down my virginity auction.
Oh, I wish I could help, Dusty.
But if you'd read our terms of service, you'd know that any cancellation would result in us canceling you.
- I hate the dark web! - Really? 'Cause I just bought a Romanian wife and plutonium! How rad is that? [sniffing.]
Oh, God, why do I smell colors? Crap! Hopson! Hopson! He must be in the other side already.
Hopson, I [sniffs.]
Ooh! Smells like he's in there.
I'm coming in, Hopson.
Grab my hand! [bear roaring.]
[screaming.]
They've been moving crates into that tent all night.
Lady Gertrude is the argyle meth kingpin's distributor.
If I can just get into that tent, I can prove it.
You guys get to the show, so they don't get suspicious.
They don't wanna go.
They're scared.
They may not survive another show.
Come on, fellas.
Everybody dies.
That's how God lets us know he hates us.
[cheering.]
You heard him, guys.
Let's go! Excuse me.
Get away from me, clown! Fitz, that's not a clown.
That's Kathy Griffin.
Yeah, I know.
- [beeping.]
- Crap! We're on.
Time to find the meth.
[operatic singing.]
- What are you doing? - Look at this crowd! I'm gonna put a little Sriracha on this one.
No, no Sriracha, not now.
Not now! I regret nothing.
Oh, my God! It's a miracle! I'm cured! I'm putting my life at stake! [tiger growling.]
No! Well, at least I showed some guts.
[Fitz sobbing.]
He's still got it.
Talk about heart-stopping action, huh? [Fitz laughing hysterically.]
[sobbing.]
Hey, look, it's me, Hopson.
I'm an old racist pervert.
Desi Arnaz played Babalu on my ass.
Oh, no.
That's the son of a bitch who chained me to a log and left me for dead.
Oh, there you are, Hopsy, you old jokester, you! Tell these nice people how much you love it here.
Love it, my ass! You know what he's done to me? He left me glued to the ceiling, tricked me into thinking I was a ghost, sent me to a nursing home that grew scallops on my neck.
Now, there's a perfectly logical explanation for all this.
I know.
He obviously has some severe dementia.
They come up with some wild tales.
Come on, scallops on the neck? What? All 'em stories is true.
He's still got a couple scallops on his neck if y'all are hungry.
- Dusty! - Dear God! Don't you worry, Mr.
Hopson.
Senior Living will shine a light on this disgusting elder abuse! The world will see just how horrible Paradise PD really is.
I think that went pretty well.
[roaring and choking.]
[camera shutter clicks.]
Please don't put that on the cover of Senior Living.
Anything but that! Anything? CHOKING GEEEZERS MONTHLY HOT COP ACTION FOR YOUR JACKOFF PLEASURE You gotta be fucking kidding me! This is a disaster.
I think it's an honor.
This has been my favorite magazine since I was a child.
[panting.]
Sixty seconds left, Dusty.
Don't worry.
I'll be gentle.
Heavens to Betsy! Oh, why did we ever get started with that old dark web? You're telling me! - [glass smashing.]
- [yelling in Slavic language.]
I don't know what you're saying, all right? I want a divorce.
Divor-ciana! Davor-ciana! Oh, fuck off! Come on, panda.
Don't eat the plutonium! [screaming.]
Okay, well that worked out.
Time's up, Dusty.
In five, four, three Wait a minute! A last-second bid just came in! - From who? - User name R-S-X-H O-N-G-D-K L-G-N-3.
Who typed that, a cat? WINNER [grunting.]
Kevin! The entire task force, they're all dead! What? Oh, my God! Someone must've sabotaged their acts.
Or that's what happens when untrained cripples do dangerous circus shit.
You're responsible for the deaths of Prop Cop and the other three whose names I can't recall.
Do you want them to have died for nothing? Let's solve this case for them.
Man, you have lost it.
I'm out.
Fine.
Go! I guess I'm the task force now.
Mr.
Police-es? What a pleasant surprise.
Lady Gertrude.
I was just sneaking into my secret tent? You naughty thing! I know what you're after.
You wanna hike the happy trail.
No! I Wait.
What's the happy trail? You thought I was packing only one magnificent beard? Wow! It's mesmerizing.
It looks like Gandalf the Grey eating a Gordita Supreme.
Isn't that why you're here? To surf the salty beard? Or is there some other reason you've been sneaking around? No.
I'm here to surf the beard.
So let me just go over and surf that beard.
[shrieking.]
I'm sorry.
I can't.
It looks like Albert Einstein fell into a table saw.
So you were lying to me! Thought you were clever.
Thought you'd come in here and bring down our little operation.
Well, you thought wrong.
Seriously, it's like someone put a Phil Spector wig on a half-eaten chicken pot pie.
- Shut up! - Look, lady, my partner is right outside.
Your partner can't help you now.
[hooting.]
- [sinister music playing.]
- Where is that music coming from? Oh, it's in my head.
[screaming.]
[screaming.]
No! Don't put me in your tiny car! Anything but that! You better pull the trigger, because as long as I'm alive, I'll never rest until I stop you from distributing the argyle meth inside those crates.
Argyle meth? It's trans fats! Wait.
So you're not from the health department to bust us for using trans fats, even though we label our popcorn 100% trans-fat-free? No.
I'm a cop, here to shut down a drug distribution ring.
You were gonna shoot me over trans fats? What? It was either that or get a $100 fine.
I'm on Social Security.
And to think all this got your partner murdered by clowns.
Well, everybody dies.
That's how God lets us know he hates us.
Fitz! Hi, Sis, got you some flowers.
[wolf whistling.]
Wow! Looks like ZZ Top gnawing on a beef and cheddar.
Just like Mama's.
Hang on, Fitz, I'm coming.
How many of you fit in this thing? Fitz I need an ambulance.
[horn honking.]
Not a clown ambulance! Ooh! Hooray, Mr.
Meowgi.
You saved my butt by walking over that keyboard and accidentally winning my auction.
A cat buying a man's virginity.
I mean, what are you gonna do with it? Oh, fart-knocker! All right, make it quick.
And you can't watch, Joe Biden.
Aw, man! I'm sorry, Fitz.
I should've listened to you.
I got three good cops and a dancer killed.
I've turned you into a vegetable.
All over what? Trans fats? Oh, the poor bastard.
You were right all along, Dad.
I'm not cut out to be a cop.
What, because a few people died? That's all part of the job.
I ran over a guy on the way here.
- Son, you are a good cop.
- I don't wanna hear it.
I quit.
Kevin, you realize that you can't just throw a gun in a garbage can? See, perfect example.
I don't know shit about being a cop.
Well, that's more common sense than anything.
- Just leave it.
- Okay.
I'll give you some time alone with Fitz.
I wanted to take you down so bad, but I'm done trying to be the hero.
At least now I won't be responsible for getting anyone else hurt.
[gunshot.]
Starting now.
[phone vibrating.]
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