Peacemaker (2022) s01e08 Episode Script

1 If you really, really really, really love me Then you really, really really gotta show me Don't whine when I put it in your booty Or if I'm up all night playin' Call of Duty Never hassle me because I'm unemployed If I sleep all day don't get annoyed I know I'm the last person that you want to hear from right now, Chris, and I I can't apologize enough for I know that you're mad, but from the bottom of my heart I really am sorry, I'm just trying to What were you gonna say? I was saying I am just trying to apologize! And I just thought you were my fucking friend! Set me up to take the fall and then you try to send me to prison, and you think "I'm sorry" is gonna cut it? "Cut it!" Dude, we're off it! We are? I am getting so many moral judgments from people who regularly kill people.
I don't kill people for nothing, all right? - When my brother died, I made a vow - Right, "the vow.
" - Anyone I'd kill, I'd kill for peace.
- Oh, Jesus.
So, unlike Keith, no one would ever die for no reason again.
Well, that's fucking stupid! So, you're gonna make it so that death isn't meaningless anymore? Go fuck yourself! I read your file, Chris.
It was an accident! You were a child! Don't forgive me, that's fine.
But stop letting that shit define who you are.
Are you guys serious right now? We just had a really sick time murdering Peacemaker's dad, then all these hilarious fart jokes, just, like, an all-time classic run, with my best friend, my second-best friend, Eagly, my fifth best friend, Adebayo, and now you guys are ruining it.
Do ya really wanna do ya really wanna taste it? - Get it on - Get on top Make a move extreme Make a pose Shortcut to your dreams I float straight to the stars on that flying thing - Getting high - Getting brave Getting snow-blind, game - Set, go - Pick a tune, chick harpoon In a world beyond Got a beat, got a heat on a phony string Tear your world apart once the magic starts Do ya really wanna do ya really wanna taste it? What's going up must come down Do ya really wanna do ya really wanna taste it? Baby, you're losing ground Blind to what you'll soon become The mirror lies the whole world's wrong - But you - Dancing with blinkers on Throw your dog the invisible bone Do ya really wanna do ya really wanna taste it? What's going up must come down Do ya really wanna do ya really wanna taste it? Baby, you're losing ground Blind to what you'll soon become The mirror lies the whole world's wrong But you Dancing with blinkers on Throw your dog the invisible bone Mom, there are way more Butterflies than we thought and the whole team is injured.
So, I was thinking, like, maybe you could call in the Justice League? No, I'm not kidding.
Can you believe Amanda Waller is her fucking mother? Yes.
Do we have time to wait for backup? No.
They're teleporting the creature out of here! Mom, they're teleporting the creature out of here.
This is our only chance to stop them, then we're back to square-fucking-one.
Then we're back to square one.
All right.
All right, I will tell her.
Fine.
My mom says you're in charge and Economos and I should stay back in case anything goes wrong.
Copy, Mom.
Yes, ma'am.
How much longer is it going to be? The teleporter is nearly installed and functional.
As soon it is, we'll move her to the Eastern Base.
Quickly, please.
Forces could arrive any minute, and without her, we're all dead.
If Waller is your mom, why is your last name Adebayo? I took my wife's name.
Doesn't that make you the girl in the relationship? We're both girls in the relationship, Adrian.
That's what being a lesbian is.
Hey, Peacemaker what do these do? This is Underwater World, allows you to breathe underwater.
Okay, not sure how we can use that.
This one's Scabies For All.
Upon activation, it gives everybody in a one-mile radius scabies, except, of course, the wearer of the helmet.
This one is Anti-Gravity.
- Allows you to float.
- Aimlessly? No.
I carry a tiny hand fan to guide me.
This is Sonic Boom.
It's the one I used to stop the rocker chick.
How many booms does it produce on one charge? I don't know, three, maybe four.
This one, we should just throw away.
What is it? Human Torpedo.
So, you aim your head at whatever you want to destroy - and you become a - Human torpedo.
Sweet.
Yeah, only sweet if you wanna risk shattering every bone in your body.
It's just a prototype.
Okay, so let's say I want to get this Sonic Boom helmet onto the top of that barn over there without being seen? Just the helmet itself? No.
I'm gonna put a walkie in it and activate it from here.
And then maybe you can put on Activate Anti-Gravity and just float it over there.
- Uh, guys? - Okay, I forgot my tiny hand fan, but, you know once in the jungles of Cambodia, I used two oversized palm fronds as Guys! Fuck! Deactivate Anti-Gravity! Deactivate Anti-Gravity! Did you say "Activate Anti-Gravity?" No.
Maybe.
I don't know.
You can't fucking say that shit! - I didn't know it was that voice sensitive! - Fuck it, no big deal.
I didn't just kill the only man who knows how to make it.
You did just kill the only man who knows how to make it.
I know, bro! I was being sarcastic.
If you're gonna be sarcastic, you should really warn people so there's no confusion.
Okay, so how do we get the Sonic Boom Helmet over to the barn? Well, we can shoot a fishing line over to the barn from one of these trees here, and just let the helmet slide down.
Like Green Arrow? No, not like Green Arrow.
That dude goes to Brony conventions dressed as the back half of Twilight Sparkle with a four-inch-wide butthole drilled in the costume.
Maybe it's so he can breathe properly.
You actually believe that shit? He has an insane story for every single superhero.
No, I actually heard that's true about Green Arrow.
But that's the first thing he's said that's real.
- And Aquaman fucking fish.
- Well, yeah, obviously.
Look, it doesn't even matter we don't have any bows.
But we do have a team member capable of flight.
Get the fuck out.
That's right.
Good.
Okay.
I need you to take that helmet and drop it on top of that barn.
No way can an eagle understand what you're saying.
Oh, Eagly's no ordinary eagle.
No, Eagly, take it.
No, Eagly, just, take Take the helmet.
Take it! Take it.
I know you don't like her.
The mean, blonde woman has nothing to do with this.
- No, no.
- No.
- No.
No.
- Eagly.
Take the helmet.
Take the helmet.
- Eagly, take the helmet.
- Eagly, take the helmet.
Good, Eagly, good.
Good boy.
Go, Eagly.
Go to the barn.
Go to the barn.
Shit.
I knew there was no way he knew what you were talking about! Peacemaker is a great guy in almost every way, but his biggest flaw is that he commonly overestimates Eagly's abilities.
Okay, they could be teleporting this cow at any minute.
We need to fan out and look for the helmet.
Easy.
Easy.
Do you see anything over there? I saw a squirrel a couple seconds ago.
Ants.
No, dude.
I'm talking about the helmet.
Well, then you should be more specific.
We're looking for a helmet, why do I care if you saw ants? Because the circle of life, bro.
What do ants have to do with the circle of life? They're one of the most important parts of it.
How are ants a more important part of the circle of life than, like, fish? Is that a serious question? What? There are shit loads of ants.
How many fish are there? I don't know! But probably as many as there are ants! Not in one place at the same time, dude.
Okay, I am as confused as fuck by this conversation.
Yeah? Well, welcome to the fucking club! Oh, fuck.
So why'd you change your mind and decide to come? I saw an eagle hug a human.
So, I thought maybe it was a sign.
To risk your life? Yep.
Why wasn't it a sign to, like, run in the opposite direction? Fuck! We're never gonna find this dumb fucking hat.
You thought you could lose me by killing me, boy? I'm in your head.
I'm the reason you kill and the reason you can't sleep at night.
My body may be gone, but the rest of me is right here! And I ain't going nowhere! Shit.
The fuck are you doing? Getting my poison blow gun, fucko.
Well, why don't you just go for your piece, cum stain? You're metaphorical, douche wad.
My gun is real.
I don't want the Butterflies to hear.
I almost tricked you, fuck nugget.
You didn't trick shit, you ball sack-looking fuck.
I immediately went for my blow gun.
I didn't think for a second about going for my gun! How do you like that, huh? Thanks for coming back, ghost, so I could kill you all over again.
Smith? - What are you doing? - Nothing.
Holy shit.
Whoa.
I need you to do something else for me.
Are you fucking kidding me? The only way for us to get the helmet inside of the barn is by one of us going in undercover.
They're gonna notice Adebayo and me with these injuries.
Cool.
I'll do it.
You can't do it, man.
Goff knows what we look like.
I'll wear a funny nose.
John, you're the only one.
I don't even want to be here.
And why are these wet? - I washed them in the creek.
- Why? One of the things us warriors seldom talk about is how often people shit themselves when they die.
It's a touch of gray in the white cloud of kicking ass.
So, now, you want me to risk my life while wearing diarrhea pants? Hey, nobody said anything about diarrhea.
I said it was shit.
- Was it diarrhea? - Yes, it was.
John, you can do this.
Just act like they act.
- Don't show any expression.
- Yeah, like Harcourt.
Eat my dick, Schwarze-never.
They're aliens.
Do they even speak English? They retain the memories of the bodies they've taken over.
So, they seem to primarily use English when communicating.
Fuck.
Fine! Would you look away? Happily.
- John, you copy? - Yes.
Copy.
Don't look back! They're everywhere.
This is fucking stupid.
Remain calm.
Head towards the barn like you know what you're doing.
- Relax your face.
- Shut up, I know.
Hey! Fuck.
Where are you going? I'm going inside.
Why? Fuck! Because of this bag.
What the fuck does that mean? Okay.
Just wanted to make sure.
How the fuck did that work? Sorry.
I have a real bad gag reflex.
Oh, shit.
I'm good.
I'm good.
Would you shut the fuck up? I can't do this.
I can't do this.
John, you're already inside.
You're doing great.
Please.
What's there? Uh Stairs and an elevator.
An elevator's noisy.
Head down the stairwell.
Yeah, of course.
You head down the fucking stairwell.
John, don't creep.
You have to act normal, like you're supposed to be there.
We just need you to place the helmet down as low as possible.
Oh, no.
John? John, you copy? Uh-uh.
Fuck it.
No more kaijus.
No more kaijus.
Fuck this.
John, do you copy? Jesus fuckin' Christ.
What the fuck is that? The fuck is that? "Cow", my ass.
It's a motherfucking caterpillar the size of the Empire State Building.
Get ready.
We need to get the fuck out of here.
Hey! Fuck.
The man you've taken over.
Why did he do that to his beard? Do what? Why did he color his beard all strange like that? He thought it made him look younger and more handsome.
He never had a girlfriend, so he thought dying his beard might help.
But he was also lazy and busy with his job and he wouldn't dye his roots regularly.
And when he did, he used the cheapest brand, because he was incredibly underpaid.
Mostly, though he never thought anybody noticed until recently when one guy said it to him all the time.
Humans can be really pathetic.
Yeah.
Fine, I dye my beard, all right? We all know it.
I guess I learned my lesson.
L'Oréal probably is worth the extra few bucks.
Hey! That guy just put this down here! - Fuck! Do it, now! Do it.
- Activate Sonic What the fuck? How did that even happen? My hands are sweaty! Get the fuck off me! Activate Sonic Boom.
No.
Wait.
Now! Activate Sonic Boom.
Fuck.
Oh, fuck.
Fuck.
Activate Sonic Boom.
No.
Activate Sonic Boom.
Yep, that's it for the charges.
No! Look, I can help.
We need you to stay here, Ads.
If something happens to us, you're the only hope.
The fuck am I? What's the plan, man? Let's go kill a cow.
Chris! Go kill the cow! We'll hold them off here! Don't fuck with my BFF.
Oh, darn it.
- Oh, my God.
- What's happening? I can't see.
Harcourt is down! What? The fuck do we do? Wait, what are you doing? No, no, Adebayo.
You can't.
You'll get hurt! You can't do this! Hey, what makes you think you can do this? Because I'm made for this shit.
Dude, God, damn it! You're gonna get hurt! Fuck.
Oh, what the fuck? What the fuck? Oh, my God! Oh, shit! What the fuck? Stay with me.
Help - Chris.
- I have to get you out of here.
Go.
And do what? Leota! Be with me, baby Jesus.
Okay.
Oh.
Oh.
- Goff? - Yeah.
Activate Human Torpedo! Adebayo, no! Oh, Jesus, I told her not to use that one.
Listen to me.
I have no reason to hurt you.
Stop fighting.
Follow me.
Holy cow.
It is.
Good.
You found him.
I need three sets of hands to teleport her away from here.
Come again? See that switch? I need you to flip that while Locke and I work these two stations to teleport the cow to our cavern in Maine.
Why the fuck would I help you? Because I know that once I tell you the truth, like I did with Judomaster, you'll join us.
Murn told us the truth already.
You've murdered innocent people all over the country by taking them over in your dipshit quest for power.
We're not doing this for power.
We're doing it because we took a vow.
Our kind traveled here from a planet that had become unlivable.
Your planet had the habitat we needed, water to drink, and air to breathe.
Your food couldn't sustain us, but that's why we brought her.
The cow would help the last of our people survive for another hundred years.
But not long after we arrived, we realized the people of Earth were on the exact same trajectory as our people had been, ignoring science in favor of populist leaders who tell you that the floods and the fires and the disease are unrelated to your own actions, valuing profit over survival, treating minor inconveniences as assaults on your freedom.
And so, we made a vow to do anything we could to change your future.
We made a vow to make the choices for you that you were incapable of making on your own, to save your people and your world, no matter how many lives it cost us.
Murn disagreed with our methods.
He didn't think we had the right to impose our will.
But you're one of us, Christopher Smith.
Please, God I'll do whatever you want me to do for peace.
Thank you for feeding me and talking to me and showing me kindness.
I see who you are and I see your character.
I tried telling you yesterday, in the jar.
Peace sign.
Please, fulfill your calling.
Be the Peacemaker.
Join us in saving your planet.
What do you say? Activate Human Torpedo.
What? Sorry, Goff.
Oh, what the fuck? Fucking disgusting! Thank you.
Hey, guys, what's up? You're late, you fucking dickheads! Go fuck another fish, asshole.
I'm so fucking sick of that rumor.
It's not a rumor.
Fuck you, Barry.
Let's go.
Dr.
David, telephone, please.
Dr.
David, telephone, please.
Dude, you're shot.
You gotta be admitted.
I'm fine, seriously.
All I need is a good nap.
Did you hear all that stuff Goff said? Yep.
Did I just kill the world? Maybe.
Or maybe you just gave us a chance to make our own choices instead of our bug overlords.
Why did you choose not to help them? Because of your proto-fascist libertarian idea of freedom? Because I knew they'd hurt you and the others if I did.
Yeah.
I'm sorry I betrayed you.
I know.
Where you going? To do the right thing.
Ads.
Don't tell V, but after Eagly you're my BFF.
Yes, that does mean Christopher Smith never wrote any diary.
Both the Peacemaker and the costumed crime fighter Vigilante were working in a deep-cover operation for the U.
S.
Government called "Project Butterfly.
" This is all part of a black-ops program known as "Task Force X", where convicted criminals are undertaking dangerous missions for the United States in exchange for time off their sentences.
It's been running for years out of Belle Reve prison, under the command of a of a woman named Amanda Waller - What the fuck? - who happens to be my mother.
Now, I'm calling for an immediate investigation - into these inhumane - Mr.
Smith? abuses of power.
I heard you've been out there for days.
Fuck it! Fuck it! Go, go, go! Fuck! If you're gonna be sarcastic, you should really warn people, - so there's no confusion.
- What? For instance, like, I'm about to be sarcastic, okay? - Okay.
- You're not fat at all.
- See? - Why are you all so obsessed - with my physical appearance? - Sarcasm.
I haven't noticed you eating way more corn chips than any one human being should eat, and I'm not worried that you're gonna die.
But I I am worried that you're gonna die.
Thanks.