Perfect Couples s01e08 Episode Script

Enjoy! You're sure you don't want a desert? - No, I'll just have a small bite of yours.
Mm, yum.
- It's good? - That is so good.
So good.
I - Um - Dave.
- Room for one more? No-- Perfect Couples - Season 1, Episode 8 "Perfect Job" - Victory! - You got lucky.
- You beat him faster than usual.
- It was really, really ugly.
- I'm gonna beat you in something.
- In your heart you don't believe that.
- So, Dave, I don't know if this is Weird or anything like that, But some people wanted to go out tonight after work.
Do we do that? Separate plans? - She's bringing this up in a safe space In hopes of circumventing your legendary temper.
- Legendary temper? - Calm down, Dave.
You're panting like an animal.
- I mean, it could get pretty late.
"we put the fun in fundraising" Is something that gets said quite a lot.
- Enjoy, really.
I'm gonna watthe wire.
- Oh.
But that's our thing.
I don't want you to have to do that alone.
Who's this? What'd I Miss? Um Like 40 episodes.
- Yeah? Whoa, is that guy a cop? Who's "Bubbles?" Ugh, man, that guy is handsome.
So that's Baltimore, huh? You know, they say it rains a lot more there Than in Portland.
What is their team? - Hey, I thought you were at work.
- I have an announcement to make.
A life-affirming one.
- You quit another job.
- I quit another job! - I thought you loved the pet store.
- I had a crisis of conscience.
Run! Go! Go! Hurry! If you all go at once, they can't catch you.
Run! Yes! Go! Go! - Amy, we have bills.
Did you at least get a severance package? - Yes, I did.
- Don't produce an animal.
- it's an animal - Aw! - No, no, no, no, Don't aw.
Stop aw-ing.
The last thing we need is An adorable puppy with a dopey face Big paws And wisdom.
You're an old soul, aren't you? You know things.
- What are you gonna do now? - I'm gonna love him, and walk him.
- The job, Vance.
Amy needs a job.
- I'm gonna name you Little Vance.
- Shh! I'm a little drunk.
- Honey.
Where were you? It's, like, 2:00 in the morning.
- Fundraising, Dave.
we went to this bar, And had a drink, And then we went to this other bar and then Robert played that song.
And Terry did that thing.
- Wait, who's Robert and Terry? - Oh, they're my gay friends from work.
And then after karaoke, we went to this other-- - Wait, wait, wait, gay guys and karaoke? Why don't I get a call here? It's like You're always saying how much you love my Sinatra.
I do say that I like your - So she comes home hammered.
You know what a bummer it is when you're sober-- - Damn it! - Holy crap.
Did you just kill Peyton Manning? - Yeah.
I don't think the programmers Intended it, but my will to win Seems to have overridden the code.
- So now she has her new friends coming over And she actually asked me to make myself scarce.
How much fun am I gonna be kept out of? - That stinks.
Whenever I'm having a good time, I always ask Leigh to join.
- And more often than not, I take him up on it.
I'm gonna meet up with the girls.
I'll call you if it gets any fun.
- I know you will.
'cause you love me.
- You just intercepted me! How did you do that? - That's game.
- I'm gonna beat you in something.
- What's left? I've beaten you at all the major real sports.
Dave, think of a number between one and ten.
- Two.
- Nine.
- It's nine.
- Wait, there is one thing One last battlefield.
- It's a tiny pool table.
- I bought it online.
Should I have read the measurements? Maybe.
But does it offer a chance for a full-size ass-kicking? You man enough to find out? - Guys, it was the best night.
You know how long I've wanted my very own gay friends.
Well, male ones.
The ladies have picked up on some signals I did not know I was sending.
- Yeah, your walk is confusing.
- Dave and I just do so much together.
It was really nice to do something just for me.
- That's important.
That's why I started jogging.
You know, running around the corner, sitting on the curb, Reading us magazine for an hour? ooh, text from Terry.
Oh, yes! We're watching real housewivtomorrow night.
I gotta go get ready.
He called me "bitch.
" - All right, let's figure out your life.
What is it you wanna do? - Honestly? I think I wanna work in an office.
Have you ever seen working girl? - I claim to be 25, so I'm going to say no.
- I just want a job where people respect me.
But I don't have a college degree, So nobody's gonna hire me.
- You know what you need? A wife.
I mean, look at Rex.
Why do you think he's so successful? He has someone who's there for him.
Supporting, pushing, making things happen.
- Did You wanna be my wife? I do.
- ah-hoo werewolves of london ah-hoo ah-hoo werewolves of london ah-hoo - I'm getting sick of this song.
Smile.
- Oh, it's your first day, and you look great.
- I couldn't have done this without you.
- Oh, all I did was call a few people I knew, And find a previous employer Who would give you a good recommendation.
Wasn't easy.
I had to go back To an ice cream shop you worked at in high school.
- Really? I stole, like, 500 bucks from those people.
yeah, you did.
- Okay, well, here's your briefcase.
- And here's your lunch.
Go get 'em, tiger.
- Oh, a double kiss! I'm so excited! - I heard my other husband kicked your ass in tiny pool.
- I spent three hours at the gym yesterday Working out the damage you did to me the other night.
- Oh, yeah, 'cause I really had to put a gun to your head To get you to eat that crab rangoon.
- Uh, is my show too loud, guys? I just wanted to make sure, 'cause I can turn it down if you want.
There's a lot of gunshots, and People shouting about heroin, so Is it me, or did dancing with the stars Get weird this year? - Nope.
Nope, hon, volume's fine.
- All right, cool.
Have fun.
What's that? - Didn't say anything, hon.
- Okay.
- SoWhat can I get you guys to drink? - How about a margarita? - Ooh, you know what? I don't really know how to make a margarita.
- Margaritas? - 62 games in a row.
Why do you keep coming here? - Tiny four ball, tiny side pocket.
- I've always wanted to be in charlie brown's head.
When you're running at that football, Do you actually believe you're gonna kick it? Or do you just get off on falling on your back And shouting "argh"? - My god.
I'm one shot away.
- And all you gotta do is sink it.
Heavy arms.
Hard to focus.
- Yeah.
I did it, I did it.
Son of a bitch.
- Let's go.
Rack it up.
- Nope, I'm done.
I'm retiring as champion.
I'm never playing you again.
- What? you can't.
You gotta give me ano-- that's totally-- - I believe the expression you're looking for is "good grief.
" - Mm.
Okay.
So it's a cranberry margarita, But what's that other taste? - You're gonna kick yourself when I tell you.
Cinnamon.
- Shut up! - Okay, well, Real housewives is about to start, So we should probably go.
- You guys gotta tell me who's who-- - Oh! My god.
I am so sorry.
- Don't be.
Good as new.
And the great thing is once you know how to do that, Then you can change it whenever you want; it's easy.
Let's say your significant other is, like, "our chairs are so boring.
" - I don't sound like that.
- Except at work, When someone makes a pot of flavored coffee.
- Right.
"is that hazelnut? I hate hazelnut.
" - Well, they should label it, right? - It is late, we should go.
- What about real housewives? - Oh, rain check.
We kinda got sidetracked By ty pennington here.
Aw, well, he's a little mainstream, but, mm.
Well, this has been-- guys, really.
Man, this has - Thank you.
- Where have you been keeping them? - Nice meeting you.
- Nice meeting you.
- You know where you're going? - Drive safely.
- Don't let that one drive, though.
We've already seen what he does When he's handling things.
Not well.
- Yeah.
- Dropping, spilling and stuff.
Oh.
God You found us some great guys.
- Mm-hmm.
Hi.
I'm back from lunch.
This is my fiance, Vance.
Vance, this is Holly.
My secretary.
I'd love a cup of coffee.
The way I like it.
- Of course.
- She went to college And she has to know the way I like it.
- Oh, your friend Leigh Is waiting in your office, Miss Thibadoux.
- Oh, please, Miss Thibadoux is my transvestite brother.
Call me Amy.
- Tiny pool champion's phone.
- Come on, man, you gotta give me a rematch.
- No, I'm retired.
I'm gonna spend some more time with my family.
Maybe get into broadcasting.
But thank you for being a fan.
- Hey, what's happening? - Just decorating your office.
I did a little digging around And your immediate boss, Mr.
Reiger, Is a huge Padres fan.
And now you are too.
- Oh.
- Babe Ruth.
He's baseball, right? - I love it here.
Did you know that we're the largest Garage door manufacturer on the west coast? Can you believe I'm excited about that? Do you know that we do business with Quebec? - For which your french makes you perfectly qualified? Hadn't occurred to me.
NowWe have to plot your next move.
I ran into your boss, and I may have Laughed a little too hard at his jokes, AndTouched my hair, and-- Well, long story short, he's really excited About hearing all your grereat new ideas.
- Whoa, Leigh.
I just got here.
I don't have any great new garage door ideas.
- I know this feels like extreme pressure, But that's how diamonds are forged, honey.
- You know, I love luke.
But he's making no effort with little Vance.
There's a fine line between introversion And outright rudeness.
oh, this is Robert.
- Of the fabulous Robert and Terry? - Yeah, watch this.
All right, where are you dodos? Let me grab my staple gun, I'll be there in ten minutes.
I'll tell you later.
- Hey.
Who's he talking to? - His new gay friends.
And he's being hilarious.
- Oh.
No, that sounds great.
Um, I will be there.
All right, man, awesome.
Bye.
- Did you just make plans with Robert and Terry? - Yeah, we're gonna grab drinks Tomorrow night at some club.
Did you wanna come with us? - Yeah.
Thanks for including me.
- Oh, cool, yeah.
I gotta run it by the fellas, But I'm sure they're gonna be cool with it.
- What are you doing? - I know you're not okay With what just went down in there.
- What? - Not here.
Drive.
- Oui, madame.
Garage doors.
Madame, oui.
Oui, ma-- Non.
oui.
- Hey, Rex and Amy.
Here's your nightly video message.
I just want you to know that you are both winners.
You are going to kick ass At your car conference/ garage door meeting tomorrow.
I believe in you both.
And I know that you are going to make me proud.
Oh, Amy, you should hit stop now.
- Yeah, it bothers me That he's horning in on my new friends.
I want them to myself.
Sorry.
- Don't be.
You need to protect what's yours.
- You're taking my side against Dave? - Dave is a social dominator, Julia.
He's a super charming robot that runs on friendship.
And when he sees someone he wants, he takes them.
Just like he took me in my bunk at camp all those years ago.
- That sounds weirder than I think you want it to.
- I had a best friend then.
Ted Barnes.
We were blood brothers.
Then Dave comes along with his spinal tap quotes, And his rad velcro sneakers, and then I'm sorry, Ted, I I hope you found someone.
- Okay, well, what am I supposed to do? Tell the man I love that I'd have a better time If he weren't there? - Well, you can't do that.
But if you don't figure something out, You're gonna resent him.
And don't feel bad, okay? It's important, once in a while, That we have our own special relationships, Separate from Dave.
Wait a minute.
Turn the car around.
Turn it around.
He's mine.
You have a dog.
- "C", the answer is "C", Adam Sandler.
- Rex? - Hey! Don't you have some big meeting right now? - Yeah, I called in sick.
I can't handle this.
I don't wanna be on the fast track.
I mean, I love Leigh, it's just - It's a lot to live up to, I know.
I'm supposed to be at a violin lesson right now.
You'll get an invite to my recital.
Don't come.
- No one's ever believed in me like this before.
I can't just tell her to back off.
- I can fix this.
You and me, we'll be together tonight When Leigh comes home.
"B", The Matrix.
Is anybody even trying? - This place is so fun! - I was so bummed when you said that Dave couldn't make it.
- Oh, I know.
Right? - Why did he have to cancel? - No, I cannot hear you.
Let's dance! Whoo! who's that guy? Is that--he's a drug dealer? How do they know each other? and who's "Bubbles?" - Ah.
It's Terry.
Terry-dactyl.
- Where are you? You gotta rally.
- Rally? From what? What are you talking about? - Not gonna happen.
- All right, this is interesting.
You know how Julia told me that those guys Had to cancel tonight because they were working late? She's out with them right now, at a club, dancing.
I wanna go over there and see what's going on.
- Do not go there.
And I mean that in the straight way, Not the "do not even" - no, I know which way-- - Julia really likes these guys, okay? She thinks you're taking over.
You do that.
Sometimes she wants to be the star.
She wants the limelight.
She's not alone in that.
- No, thank you.
To your offer of making this about you.
Um, well, that's fine, man.
If she wants her own thing, I get that.
But she's gotta tell me.
Don't lie, I don't like that.
- She didn't wanna hurt your feelings But she knew you'd take over.
You can't help yourself.
Just ask Ted Barnes.
- I have no idea who that is.
- And that's the saddest part.
- Jeez, sorry.
Oh Steve.
- Hi.
- What are you-- - Uh I heard there was a yogurt place around.
This isn't it.
- Uh, say hi to Sally and the kids.
- I'm gonna go.
- See ya, Steve.
- Honeys, I'm home! How was your meeting? How were your ideas received? Did he like your ideas? - Um, yeah, he said Well, I-- - I'm falling apart, Leigh.
- What? What do you mean? - I didn't sell a car today, I skipped my violin lesson, And I lost to Vance at tiny pool.
- You lost to Vance? - Yes, because when I needed it the most I didn't have my rock.
You've been spending So much time supporting Amy that-- - That I've been neglecting you.
- I'm sorry, Amy.
I wish I could be there for you both, but - It's okay.
- It's okay.
- I love my job, I'm in a great place in my life, And I have you to thank for it.
- Can you go? I want attention.
- Thank you, Rex.
- No, I'm serious.
This is making me mad.
- How was work? - It was good.
I'm just tired.
- Well, you can go to sleep now.
- Dave I didn't go to work.
I went out with those guys.
I'm sorry, are you mad? - Did you have fun? - Mm.
Yeah.
- Then I'm happy.
- I missed you.
- Good night, baby.
- Is Steve gay? - Mm-hmm.
- Hello, Vance, it's Rex.
I don't know how, But your dog ended up in my man cave.
- What are you talking about? - I'm about to feed him a can of generic dog food.
- Is it organic? - Don't know.
Says it's "injected with beef flavor.
" - You wouldn't dare.
- Be here for a rematch in 20 minutes.
I have a can opener.
Don't make me use it.
- Rex, don't! He's a vegan! - Thanks for inviting me.
That was fun.
- Wasn't it?