Pickle & Peanut (2015) s01e08 Episode Script

1 Sharks, swords, yogurt, kicks Fries, smart phones, hot tubs, yeah Shades, bagels, grills, airbrush, chrome Blankets, mopeds, yes Drop top, laptop, breath mints, scars Kittens, wet skis, drive thrus, fresh Tight pants, wide screens, tacos, wheelies Freestyle, thrift stores, mini trampolines Pickle and Peanut Pickle and Peanut Pickle and Peanut Pick-pick p-p-p ( both panting ) - Hmm? - Mm-hmm.
Hello! I'm a maiden in distress, lost in the woods! Is there a young, handsome, strong, strapping man who can come and help me? ( automatic weaponfire ) Oh! Dang! If I don't make it, you can use my body as a shield.
Aw, Pickle.
It would be an honor to use your body.
I say we make a run for it.
Ready? Go! ( both screaming ) - Scatter! - I'm scared! Aw, too late now! Evasive maneuvers! Ninja Shadow, Ninja Shadow, Ninja Shadow Lovely Dancer, Lovely Dancer, Lovely Dancer Aww! Man, this game really stings! Don't worry.
Old Captain Quickscope's gonna take this fool out.
( weaponfire ) Aaah! McSweats invites us out here just to show off his new splatball gun, then he give us these baby toys.
This whole day was a trap.
I gotta admit, I'm pretty low on the stoked pole right now.
I don't even know how much more your welted face can take, buddy.
Shhh! Shush! Shush! ( footsteps ) ( heavy breathing ) I can smell your fear.
- Aaah! - Aaaah! ( both screaming ) ( screaming continues ) ( both panting ) Hey, we almost harmonized there for a second.
Ohh! Smells like old toe out here.
Ohhh! Yeah, what is that? MAN: That's bait, boy! Oh.
Hey there, mysterious, strange hunter man.
Why are you grooming yourself in broad daylight? Oh, I always get completely hairless before I hunt.
What am I huntin', you ask? None other than the gag-inducing, nightmare-givin', no good, never had a girlfriend 'cause he stinks so bad, mythical terror that is Pigfoot.
( sniffs ) Okay, why hunt the Pigfoot? The museum is offering a hefty prize for a chance to study the mythical beast.
But it's about much more than money! The Pigfoot is a perversion of nature, a real weirdo thing! You see, I hate combination animals you're either a bull or a dog, a horse or a fly, a pig or a foot.
Hey, Pa, look! I drewed you a peacock! Boy, I am right in the middle of my hybrid animal speech! I tell you one thing for dang sure that monstrosity is not going on the fridge! You can tape it to the bottom of the terlet! Now get back inside and boil me up some more wax! Ooh, that boy! Now, where was I? Oh, yes.
Pigfoot.
Yuck.
So weird and gross.
Now, I remember the first time well, I ain't never seen him but ooh, he smells! Heh.
Probably.
Ah, man, there's no safe place to hide in these woods.
McSweats is splatting us on the left and there's glossy-thighed hunters yelling at their sons on the right.
Those suckers were bald.
I don't think I'll ever forget.
Weird.
Huh? ( snorts ) - Aaah! - Aaaah! - Pigfoot! Evasive maneuvers! - Pigfoot! Ohh! Ohh! ( Pigfoot grunting, groaning ) Oh, my God, I think we just killed him! Don't worry, Pick.
He's alive.
Dead things don't normally moan in agony like that.
We gotta get out of here now.
If we stay out in the open, McSweats will see us.
No! Did you see his face? He was just as scared as we were.
That silky-smooth hunter's gonna come shave him or something.
Yeah, that guy is a creep.
We knocked him out, it's our duty to protect him.
( groaning ) Okay, pal.
Now we'll just pull standard shifts until old sleepy bear over there wakes up.
Right.
(groans) All this constant vigilance is making me hungry.
Let's apple up.
Just gonna grab us a little treat here Whoa.
Whoa There we go.
These Pigfoots are slippery.
McSweats is coming for you McSweats! I see him! This is one sleepy Pigfoot.
Pickle! I see McSweats! Oh, no! He'll splat us something fierce! Hey, don't sweat it, baby doll.
I got an idea.
Thirty, thirty-one I'll shoot you in the bun PEANUT: Oh, no, Pickle! Our guns are all busted up! PICKLE: A-And our fingers are all sappy and stuck to our faces.
We're totally helpless! ( whimpering ) Surrender, turkeys.
( groaning ) ( screaming ) Ha ha ha! ( continues laughing ) Oh, man, Pickle, you did it! McSweats puked so hard he passed out.
Oh, wow! Thanks, Pigfoot.
You're like a big, warm, stinky coat.
Pickle, I know what we can do until he wakes up.
( screams ) You're so pretty On the inside, at least On the outside You're like a wildebeest And that's why I fade in the light Let's keep your face out of sight I said, the pig face Hoo hoo Talkin' 'about your pig face - You know what, Peanut? - Yeah, Pick? - Today's been really great.
- Oh, definitely! Maybe we shoulda kept Pigfoot in the woods, though.
No way! It's called hiding in plain sight.
This is literally the smartest thing we could be doing right now.
( groans ) Whoa! Look who finally decided to wake up from his concussion.
- Aaah! - Aaaah! Evasive maneuvers! ( both panting ) - Did you grab Pigfoot? - What?! I can't lift that beef lump.
( thud ) What was that? - HUNTER: Yee-haw! - I don't know.
I'll go topside and check.
- Whoo-hoo! Oh, boy! - Where you takin' Pigfoot? I'm takin' him to the museum! - Now stay back or I'll tranq ya! - Not cool, buddy! See you hairy nerds later.
Okay, now what? Pigfoot's doomed, man.
Shh.
We need wheels.
Eh.
Why did I make three baloney sandwiches? PICKLE: McSweats! McSweats! - McSweats! - Pigfoot's in trouble.
- We need a ride! - Pigfoot? Is he that stinky creep that made me barf all over my new splatball gun? Ohh! McSweats, don't be such a chuwang about this.
No, it's true, Peanut.
McSweats, we would like to formally apologize for Pigfoot's terrifying face.
Right now, he needs your help! Oh, wow, a formal apology, huh? That changes everything.
Lemme just get my keys.
(whispers) J.
K.
All right, McSweats, what's it gonna take? - We'll do anything.
- Anything? Hey, McSweats, you know what? These sandwiches are really good.
You see, the secret is, you gotta braise the baloney.
Oh, yeah, that secret.
So good.
Braised.
Oh, yeah! Finally! I can't believe it.
Now I'm gonna have to find some other animal to focus my weird hatred on.
Hey, guy, pull over! Good gravy! You kids have any idea how reckless that is? We made a vow to protect Pigfoot from danger! You're putting us all in a lot of danger right now! Danger's my mom's middle name.
( all screaming ) Give us our Pigfoot! You guys are messing with my destiny! I'm gonna be famous! ( tires screech ) McSweats, gun it! He's getting away Hey, are you texting? I lead a rich digital life.
Ahhhh! Whooo! Pull over! Is this real life? Oh, my! Oh, my! Give it up, weirdo! Your ride is trashed.
Hmm? ( groaning ) What the- It's waking up! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Looks like McSwizzyXXL just won the internet.
( McSweats retching ) You kids can't stop me! Dang, you're slippery! That does it! I bet that museum will take you dead or alive.
- Oh, no! - We're sorry, Pigfoot! ( rifle cocks ) No! No! No! Peepaw! Peepaw? - What'd he say? - Did he just say "Peepaw"? Shock.
Shock.
Plot Twist BOTH: Gasp! Boy? But why? I'm sorry, Peepaw.
I know you love Pigfoot so much.
So I thought I could dress up like him, cause a ruckus, then maybe you'd pay me some mind instead of waxing your legs and back all day.
You know, boy, I got so caught up in my incredibly specific hatred I forgot that I'm a combination animal myself.
A hunter and a father.
- I love you, Pa.
- I love you, son! ( both sobbing ) Aw, so beautiful.
Yeah, but that kid probably has a head injury, though.
A head injury called "love.
" But also like a regular head injury, like inflammation of the brain type injury.
( rustling ) Is this another emotional surprise? My stars! You're real! ( growling ) HUNTER: Aaah! I'm so happy! But it hurts! Picks, I got a good feeling about those two.
- They're gonna be all right.
- Yeah.
Reuniting that weird kid with his weird dad felt incredible.
We're incredible.
( McSweats groans ) That was incredible.
Maybe if I got dressed up I could find someone to pay me some mind, spend time with me every day Uh ( radio plays loud music ) Takin' out the garbage, puttin' in the dump-dump Doo dee doo dee doo Oh! Huh? What is this? Wet baloney? Ohh! Grab your sack of garbage, man.
It's trash-fightin' time! Your baloney technique is strong, but it's no match for my Weiner Whip! Aw, man! Taste sack! BOTH: Bo-ba-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo Whoa! Hey, Peanut, check out this sweet flier you just happened to throw in my face.
Master Tae Kwon Bro.
What the farts is this? It's basically karate.
Oh, man, new classes start tomorrow! - We gotta go! - What?! We don't need lessons.
Look at this.
I got these double-punch chicken hands.
You've got a bacon bandana and sausage nunchucks.
Trash-fighting is way better than karate.
You're already a master at it.
Yeah, but imagine being taught in a real dojo! With a real sensei! And real sweet belts! You already got a real sweet cookie belt, man.
Yeah, but it's full of bugs.
Which is fun and all, but they make me kind of rashy.
Mmm.
Oh.
I want to get a real belt, Peanut.
Let's just try it out, and if we don't like it, we can leave.
- I don't know, man - It's okay to be afraid, buddy.
I ain't afraid! I just don't want some sensei tellin' me what to do.
You just have an authority problem.
You're an authority problem! Oh, my gosh, you're so right.
I'm so embarrassed.
It's okay, buddy.
We're both taking big steps here.
All right, man, let's get us some lessons.
( dog barking ) You sure this is the place, Picks? I think so.
I've got a really positive feeling about this.
( both coughing ) Oh, man, I've never seen a real dojo before.
Hey, are you guys here for lessons, too? LAZER: Yo! In the back! Bow to your sensei! - BOTH: Lazer?! - Oh.
Hey, dum-dums.
That chump doesn't know anything about karates.
Oh.
Doubters, huh? Well, if I don't know karate, then how do you explain this?! Brickblasting.
Brickblasting.
Brickblasting Or this? Boardblasting.
Boardblasting.
Boardblasting Or this? Wallblasting.
Wallblasting.
Wallblasting You can learn all that stuff too, but first you've gotta earn belts! Black belts! Rainbow weave belts! Gold medal belts.
Arm belts! Neck belts! And if you make it to the top, a Tru Master forehead belt! - Tru Master! - Forehead belt! If you guys join, you'll start with white belts.
Belts! My own belt! Teach me! You sure about this, Picks? The belts, Pea! The belts! Well, that stuff was pretty cool, but Lazer still stinks, but all that stuff was pretty cool hmmm Aw, what the heck.
I'm in too.
Excellent.
Let's begin.
ALL: Yes, Sensei.
Okay.
Before you can use tae kwon bro correctly, you must first find your inner awesomeness.
Everyone, close your stupid eyes and don't open them no matter what.
- What for? - Oh, I don't know, maybe because I'm your sensei, and I told you to?! - Fine.
Whatever.
- Good! Now breathe in deep.
( all inhale ) And out.
( all exhale ) Now listen for the music of your chi and stuff, bros.
( machine powers up ) I can hear it.
BOTH: We can hear the music.
That's not music.
( objects thumping ) Hey, what was that? ( woman groans ) Something's not right.
( laughing ) - Hey! - That was your first lesson.
Never let your guard down.
But you told us to close our eyes.
Peanut, I think he's got a point.
I'm, like, super on edge now.
Yeah, Pickle gets it.
All of you did very well.
Except for you, Peanut.
I don't appreciate insubordination.
Next lesson.
The most fundamental attack of all fighting styles is the karate chop.
Now raise your arm up like this, and chop! Pickle, doesn't this seem a little oversimplified to you? LAZER: Student Peanut! You think you could teach this class better than me? - What? Uh - That's what I thought.
Now shut your trap and do the lesson, stupid.
- Uh, Sensei, I don't think - Student Pickle! Your karate chop was perfect.
I think you deserve a Special Achievement belt sticker.
Is that from a banana? - You know it, bro.
- Oh! - PICKLE: Thank you, Sensei.
- Hmm.
Okay, next lesson.
Let's break some boards! All right! Hold still, old lady.
Yes, Your Highness.
- Aaaah! - Really nice, sensei bro.
Thanks, old lady bro.
Yeah! Yeah! - Ohh! - Bro! You gotta kick with the groin.
The power comes from the thigh-ceps.
Thigh-ceps.
Thigh-ceps.
Thigh-ceps Oh, right.
The thigh-ceps.
Here.
Now that I've taught you so good, why don't you give it another shot? Yeah, okay.
- Uhh! - All right, dude! - I did it? - You sure did, bro.
Here, have a buttload of stickers.
Whoa! I don't know.
That board gave out pretty easily.
Okay, then, let's see what you can do.
Okay, all right.
Here I go! ( bones crunching ) Aaah! Ohh! - You switched the - I'm sorry, I switched the what? I can't understand you through your whining sounds.
( groaning, stammering ) Everyone else, great work.
Have some stickers.
( cheering ) We're gonna take a 15-minute break before the next lesson.
Wow, man, I am happy to be out of there.
Whoa, really? I could do this all day! Did you see me break that board? Yeah, that was awesome, buddy, but don't you think Lazer's being kind of unfair? No way.
Look at how many stickers he gave me! That's kind of my point, Picks.
Don't worry, bro, you'll figure it out soon.
Besides, I think I know when someone's taking advantage of me.
Lazer wouldn't trust me to buy him all these snacks if he wasn't a good teacher.
Ahh.
( Lazer munching ) Excellent work, student Pickle.
Showing your sensei respect by feeding him.
I think it's time you graduated to yellow belt.
What?! You just gotta pass one more test.
Anything! Wait, you're gonna graduate him because he got you snacks? Peanut, showing respect to your sensei is Different than being Lazer's personal delivery service.
Peanut, I really want this! Why can't you just be proud of me? What? No! You have disgraced your fellow student! Pickle, your final test is to kick Peanut's butt! Are you hearing this? He's trying to turn you against me with his dinky stickers and dumb belts.
Of course I'm proud of you, but listen to your heart, man.
Lazer is playing you.
Now let's get out of here.
Pickle? Come on, man.
Sorry, bro.
Do you hear yourself? I know Lazer has his flaws, but I think I'm finally learning real karate! - Nah, Picks, it's hoo-hoo.
- I can't quit now.
Fine.
Have fun learning fake karate, bro.
I'll be in the garbage practicing real fighting.
You made the right choice, Pickle, bro.
We don't need babies like him keeping us down.
We're real fighters.
Stupid Lazer and his stupid dojo and his (mocking) "Oh, I have a million belts and I can punch things!" Can you punch someone with a week-old chicken on your hands? Bam! That's right.
Only trash-fighters can do that.
What? ( vehicle approaches ) ( beeping ) ( laughs ) Oh, my honorable sensei, let's see how skilled you actually are.
( groaning ) This is lesson fifteen.
Karate Sleeper Hold.
Concentrate harder, bro.
Sorry, Sensei.
Argh! Goats! This is my nightmare! Oh, wow! This is just like a petting Ohh! Uh, karate chop.
Thigh-ceps.
Power's in the groin.
( laughing ) You seen a bunch of goats around here? Uh, no.
Why? Because I was transporting them in my truck, but it looked like they escaped.
Oh, bummer.
Yeah, well, I'll let you know if I see 'em.
No.
If you see 'em, - you run, boy! - W-Why is that? I was transportin' them to a maximum security prison, because they're all death row murder goats! M-M-M-M-Murder goats?! ( alarm blaring ) ( bleating ) Oh, my gosh Pickle! Aaah! Aaaaah! Aaah! Rectangular eyes! ( Peanut screaming ) ( Peanut whimpering ) Murder goats everywhere.
This looks like a job for Waste Warrior.
Ohh ohh ohh Use the strength you used to break the pile of bricks! Those were rigged to explode on contact.
How about the skill you used to break the boards? Those were foam board! What?! But you punched through a wall! Paper maché! ( screaming ) So Peanut was right all along! - You are a phony! - I admit nothing.
Aaah! Karate chop! Aaaah! We're doomed! What? Wet baloney? That could only mean Trash-fighting time! - Peanut! - Back off my buddy, goats! Sorry I'm late, man.
I had to take out the aaah! Peanut! Baa! (gasps) Boss Goat! Lesson sixteen: Run!!! ( groaning ) ( roaring ) ( thud ) Peanut, I'm sorry I listened to Lazer.
I acted like a real butt.
That's all right, man.
I'm sorry I let all those murder goats in here.
Wait wait, what? ( goats bleating ) Peanut, they're chewing through our trash! What do we do? Hey, Pick.
Follow my lead.
Hey, goat, why don't you "goat" back to jail? M-M-M-M-Megaburn.
( gong sounds ) You were right, man.
Trash-fighting is way better than karate.
But you know what's better than trash-fighting? Pizza slop.
I was gonna say friendship, but yeah, let's go get some pizza.
Is it over? Is it safe? Huh? No Get me out of here!!!