Players (2010) s01e08 Episode Script
World Cup
- The substitution by don Fabio appears To have worked.
He is braver than a matador in high heels.
- What the hell are you watching? - I got the satellite soccer package.
- Ken, we already have The NFL Sunday ticket on DirecTV.
We don't need another satellite package.
- NFL.
- Yeah.
- I'll have you know the world cup Is universally recognized As the world's greatest sporting event.
It's already bringing in new customers.
Look.
[laughter.]
- Eurotrash.
- You love foreigners so much, Why don't you move to Pakistan And suck Osama bin Laden's Dick? - Very jingoistic of you, hickey.
- Bruce, I don't know where these guys are from, But I think they think I'm a stripper.
They just put a dollar in my apron.
- That's probably just the way they tip In their country.
- They are making obscene gestures at me.
[laughter.]
- Looks that way.
- Yeah.
- But I'm sure that those gestures mean Something completely different in their culture.
- Listen, I'll talk to 'em if you want, But, honestly, I don't think anybody Would confuse you with a stripper.
- Mm, thank you.
- Mm-hmm.
- Why not? For me to be a stripper, is that what you're saying? - Barb, you're beautiful.
- Yes, but with tiny breasts.
- Why would that matter? You're not a stripper, and you're never gonna be.
- I'm not a stripper at this juncture, but - So you're gonna be a stripper when you turn 50? - I don't know, Bruce.
I may want to be, yes.
But I guess, because of my mosquito-bite breasts, I can't be.
- This isn't an argument, Barb.
[sighs.]
oh, my God, hickey, Where'd you get those cheaters? - I sat on my other pair of glasses.
These are my old man's world war ii army issues.
- Jesus Christ.
- I think they're cool.
- we ain't never gonna change we ain't doing nothin' wrong we ain't never gonna change so shut your mouth and play along - Look, I watched some of this soccer, And I've come to the conclusion that it's, In fact, the most boring game ever invented.
- I'll have you know, With the current participation In youth soccer leagues, soccer is poised To explode in this country.
- Really? Haven't they been saying that for the last 30 years? That and the metric system? - [scoffs.]
- Hey, Bruce, the American bass fishing classic.
- Oh, no way, put it on.
Wow.
Look at that.
- Great, huh? - Nice cast.
- Yeah.
- How can you claim to find soccer boring, Yet watch the American bass fishing classic? - Are you implying that bass fishing is boring? That's unpatriotic.
- Yeah, why don't you just wipe your ass With the bill of rights? Oh, look, look, look! - This is Lake Reynolds.
- Right.
- They got some big-ass fish there.
- Wow.
- You cannot let this get you down.
Look, you're not gonna get a boob job, That's just not you, So there's really only one thing you can do.
- Accept my body for what it is And realize that Bruce is gonna love me No matter what I look like.
- Ugh.
No.
What are you talking about? Don't be stupid.
No, get a tattoo.
- Oh.
Why? - You know, to distract away from your tiny, weird boobs.
- I never used the word "weird.
" - Look, Barb, Everybody has their problem areas.
You know, when I used to get undressed in front of guys, All they would do is just stare at my amazing boobs.
It's like they were mesmerized by them.
It was just so annoying 'cause they were ignoring all this awesome stuff I got going on down here.
- All right.
- So I got a tattoo To distract away from here And bring 'em on down to this craziness.
Did you just take my picture? I want a copy of that for my Web site.
[laughter.]
- Hey, man.
Is this where we can see the football match at? - It is, indeed.
You must be the gentlemen from England.
Nice to meet you, bloke.
- Nice to meet you.
- I have a table reserved for you and your mates, So make yourselves at home.
- All right.
Lovely, man.
- Our friends from across the pond are here.
- Just what we need.
More soccer fans? - It's good for ah-ah.
Excuse me.
I'm sorry.
We don't allow outside beverages in the bar.
I'm gonna have to ask you to get rid of that.
- Oh, all right, I'll get rid of it.
All right.
[laughter.]
- Whoo! - Cultural differences, I guess.
Cultural differences.
- Here's your cultural differences.
Huh? - I'll take that to mean you'd like two beers.
- Yeah, I want two pints, man.
[laughter.]
two pints.
- Yeah.
- Hey, Ken.
I'll take two pints too.
Two pints! - Two pints! All: oh - the grand old Duke of York he had 10,000 men all: oh, oh, oh - he marched 'em up to the top of the hill and he marched 'em down again All: Oi, oi! [laughter.]
- That's it, Brucie.
- Yoo! - Yeah, man! - Calvin, two more.
Man, your friends from across the pond Are awesome.
- I thought you hated soccer.
- I hate soccer.
I love the fans.
These guys are real students of the game, man.
I admire their knowledge and commitment.
- Hey, Brucie, it's your turn to shoot the boot, man.
- What is this? - Come on.
Shoot the boot! - Oh, no, really? - Yeah, down the gullet now.
- All right.
- Shoot the boot! All: Na Na Na - shoot the boot! All: Na Na Na - shoot the boot! All: Na Na Na - shoot the boot! All: Na Na Na yay! - Attaboy, Brucie.
- All right.
- Two pitchers, bro.
- Thank you, Calvin.
- Why are you dressed like that? - Well, everybody else was getting all into the world cup, And my mom's dad on her side is eastern European, So I'm showing my pride.
- What's that for? - It's good luck.
- Hey! You don't do that to me.
- It's not bad.
Calm down.
It's a traditional eastern European greeting.
It means, "bring the cows on in.
"roll up your sleeves.
"flick down your mustache.
It's time to eat.
" - Mm.
- Want to buy a pager? - No.
- Used Mercedes-Benz? - Will you knock it off? Get back to work.
- You know where I live.
- In my office.
glory, glory, man United - [whistles along.]
- glory, glory, man United - Bruce, the next time your hooligan friends Come to the bar, have them clean up after themselves.
How does this even happen? - Those hooligans bought 20 pitchers of beer, By the way, so don't be so xenophobic.
- [scoffs.]
- Why would he pick that up with his fingers? - It's a dirty rubber, right? - Sweetie.
- What? - I'm not upset about before.
It's okay.
I have small breasts.
- Pumpkin, you don't have small breasts.
- Really? - No.
- Oh, God, I was about to get a tattoo To distract people from seeing them.
Oh, my God.
Thank God, you said - Oh.
Well, if you're thinking About getting a tattoo to distract, I wouldn't put it here, I'd put it here on the leg.
That way people can't see There's no way to differentiate between the end Of your calf and the beginning of your ankle.
- Are you saying that I have cankles? - No, there's just no accentuated taper Between the two.
- Those are cankles.
- Barb, don't pay attention to him.
You have great legs.
- Oh, my, God.
Hickey, I'm freaking out over here.
- I would kill for child-bearing foot hinges like that.
Don't judge by me.
I have goddamn bird ankles.
I mean, they break at the drop of a hat.
- Don't get a tattoo, Barb.
- Oh, thank you, Calvin.
It might distract from your linebacker shoulders.
Sometimes, when I'm in the gym, I'll think, "come on, Calvin.
One day you're gonna have The biggest shoulders in the bar.
" But not with you around.
Not any time soon, anyway.
- I'm gonna go work On my personality for a while.
- Your personality's great.
- Yeah, you have a really nice personality.
- You got a lot going on.
- Just pick a game.
- I'm trying to find an English soccer game.
- No, it breeds chaos.
Something else.
- Chaos sells beer, Ken.
- What are you doing? Come here.
Come here.
What's this? - Um, a pitcher.
- No.
Why do you look like that? - Oh, turns out the Serbian team sucks.
- So why do you like Sweden? - Because my mother's father on his father's side Is Swedish.
- That's fascinating.
Go put on a shirt.
- Okay.
- Dieter! - Guten tag, Kenny.
- Hey, guys.
You're here.
- Of course.
It is 8 1/2 minutes before the Berlin Munich game.
Just enough time to enjoy one beverage.
- Good thinking.
Go get a table, and I'll put on the game.
- Thank you.
- So who cloned all the nerds? - Those are my friends Dieter, Hans, Ludwig, and Adolf.
- Oh, is it a German mafia? - No.
I met them At an industrial time management seminar.
They split us up into teams.
I got put with them, and we destroyed All the other workshop participants.
- Wow.
Super dull.
- No.
It was fun.
I'm gonna go hang out with my friends.
Hey, fellas.
- Guten tag, Kenny.
- Guten tag.
- Hey, nice choice of table.
- Of course it is a good choice of table.
We considered it very carefully.
It is equidistant from restroom to bar, Calculate viewing angle for the television, And we can also enjoy the aroma from the kitchen.
- Well played.
- Thank you.
- Goal! And the Germans are going bonkers.
- German efficiency is winning again.
- That pass made me happy.
Perhaps we should do a cheer.
- All right, the cheer.
Munchen will win.
All: Agreed.
- Now we must focus.
This is a very crucial part of the game.
British customers: Brucie! Oi, oi, oi! Mickey, Mickey, Mickey! Oi, oi, oi! Oggy, oggy, oggy! Oi, oi, oi! - Excuse me! We are watching the soccer.
Quiet, please? [quiet laughter.]
- Hold on.
Hey, mate.
Mate, why don't you shut your bloody gob, huh? My bollocks are getting cold, mate.
[laughter.]
- it is in penalty time, And we cannot hear the announcer! - Don't engage them.
I'll handle this.
[laughter.]
Bruce, can I speak to you for a moment, please? - Uh, got to talk to my brother.
All: Oh! - Excuse me.
- I wonder if you wouldn't mind Asking your hooligan friends to quiet down While we try to watch our game.
- Sure.
You want to tell your Nazi buddies Not to shush people in my sports bar? - Only one of my friends has a Nazi in their family, And it's two generations back.
- Why do Germans got to run everything? They don't own this place.
- They can't help it if they're efficient.
- Ah, Ken.
- Thank you.
The game is over.
Munich has won.
Tomorrow we shall return To watch Germany defeat England In the world cup qualifier.
- Oh! Hey, wait a minute! - Okay, okay.
Hey, hey, hey.
- Listen, governor, you're not gonna beat England, all right? We beat you in two world wars, And we'll beat you again.
All: Yeah! - We will destroy England! All: Agreed! Agreed! Agreed! All: Oi! Oi! Oi! All: Agreed! Agreed! Agreed! All: Oi! Oi! Oi! All: Agreed! Agreed! Agreed! Oi! Oi! Oi! [overlapping chanting.]
- Hey, listen, shut up, the two of you! What the hell are you doing? Fighting each other over a damn soccer game? Why don't you just both take a trip to Philly And dip your balls in the crack of the liberty bell, huh? Both of you! - Yeah, Ken, why don't you dip Your German balls in the liberty bell? - He told us both to dip our balls! [shouting.]
- Shit! Ankles of a bird.
Goddamn Germans.
- What's wrong with you, Ken? - Damn limeys.
- I'm sorry I acted English.
- That was a crazy fight, huh? Listen, Krista, I've been thinking About what you said, and I think that I do need To get a tattoo, maybe even several.
Like, three or four.
- Great.
Let's do it.
- Here's the thing.
I have no idea what to get.
I mean, this is gonna be something That's with me forever.
- Yeah, you gotta get something that really says, "this is who I am.
This is what I believe in.
" - Yeah.
- You know, like, I'm a really self-confident person, right? So I got a tattoo of an arrow pointing to my vagina That says, "private party.
" 'cause I want guys to know that, if they're getting into this, It's like getting into the v.
I.
P.
Room Of club Krista.
And not everybody gets in there.
- Yeah.
No, that says a lot about you.
- love singing to myself alone in my office peace and quiet - I can sing 'cause I'm alone too - 'cause I'm the only one here - I'm so alone - I am the only one here my favorite song - nice, I don't have to hear the dribble that he spews - no one likes Ken - criticizing me the only reason that we're not bankrupt - I love Bruce - the only reason we're not bankrupt - Britain will win - I, I get to rule like the Germans I, I - I am a winner yes, how can I help you? Calvin? - Were you guys just talking to each other? - No [both.]
I was singing to myself.
- back to my song - I love singing - I'm so happy to be alone - alone without Ken - KenYou're late.
- No, I know, I'm sorry.
- What has happened? - Oh, a lot of road rage out there today.
Some jerk threw a milk shake at me.
- Ah, sounds like a waste of a milk shake.
[laughing.]
- [chuckles.]
Ah, we're gonna destroy those English hooligans.
- Yes, it is our destiny.
- Sakes alive, this English squad Has been bombed off top today.
- 'sup, mates.
Check out my British outfit.
Pretty authentic, right? [scoffs and chuckles.]
- For a girl.
[laughing.]
that's a nice skirt.
- What? - We're from England, not from Scotland.
All right, we don't shag sheep.
- Yeah.
[laughing.]
- We don't roll our r's.
- I don't understand what - we don't beat our wives.
- Oh! [laughing.]
- [awkward chuckle.]
Can I sit with you guys? - No, you can't.
- Passes to snitchler.
Back to Weinholdt, across to Sharbaugh, - Come on, Germany.
Show England that rules and order Are the keys to success in any endeavor.
All: Agreed.
- Come on, England.
Germany is to soccer what soup ranch is to buffets.
[laughing.]
- England is just some crummy delicatessen Too lazy to refrigerate their crab salad And gets a health code violation.
- Come on, England! Germany's an uptight, stupid, anal restaurant manager.
[laughing.]
- I'll tell you what, Germany, At least we're not someone who's so selfish That they can't have a long-term relationship.
- Come on, England.
At least we never tried to suck her own Dick Like Germany did when we were 12.
[laughing.]
- You've got stupid, fucking shorts, England.
- one world cup and two world wars doo dah doo dah - You don't look like a manager dressed like that! [overlapping chanting.]
- This German defense Has been assembly line perfect this afternoon.
- Oh, mechanically precise.
- Satisfactory.
- Hey, Ken, Barb's not here yet, And I have to wait all these tables by myself.
- What about Krista? - She's over there with those gondolier men.
- Germans always smell of cased meats, And friggin' English guys always have, like, the worst teeth.
- Excuse me.
- 'sup, dudes? - What was that? We are not Nazis.
- Okay.
- Krista.
- Yeah? - What are you doing? - I'm just watching the game With some of my French ex-boyfriends.
They love the England-Germany game, 'cause they want them both to lose.
So it's, like, a win-win situation.
- I'm not interested.
Get back to work.
[cheers and applause.]
- I don't really have to.
- Break out the pints, ladies and gentlemen - Ken, where have you been? You've missed a very disappointing moment In the game.
- I know.
I got distracted by one of my inefficient employees.
It won't happen again.
[scoffs.]
so disappointing.
- We're gonna destroy these English hooligans.
- Of course It is our destiny.
All: Agreed! - Go, England, go! What a great go off his foot there! Coming across the line! German goal! Oh, Germany, with a beautiful header! All: Prost! [cheers and applause.]
- Hey, Brits, you should learn how to speak American With that queer accent.
[chanting.]
goal, goal, goal [laughing.]
- Hey, krauts I loved Schindler's list.
[TV chatter.]
- Caught from Henderson! Off his foot! Goal! Right in the upper corner! [indistinct shouting.]
All: there were nine German farmers there were nine German farmers then the army from Britain shot them down - Shot 'em down! - Soccer's gay! - Brings it across.
HendersonGoal! What a beautiful one, right between his legs Of the German goalie.
Coming across.
Another goal! He's got it! - The game can't end in a tie, Germany has proven superiority of rules and order.
- Hey, world cup qualifiers end in ties all the time.
- Well, it's a stupid rule.
- Stupid rule? Isn't that an oxymoron, Ken? - So there is no winner I think Germany has proved its superiority Through time of possession.
- [scoffs.]
all right, I've heard enough.
It's time to throw down, mates.
- Yeah! Come on, you faggots, fight.
- Viva la France! - Nobody wants you.
- Why don't you get rid of your drunken Anglo miscreants Before they cause any more chaos.
- Oh, yeah? Why don't you Take your German Nazi trouble makers out of here Before they start another world war? - They're not Nazis! - They're Nazis! - Stop it! Both of you! I could tell you all the reasons why you should stop fighting, Or I could just as easily show you.
[collective gasp.]
- I never noticed you had such gigantic hands before.
- What? - They're like frying pans.
- Oh, my God.
- All right, Ken You wanna get personal? Fine.
Your strict adherence to rules Killed our pet hamster, tiny, didn't they? - It was a Saturday, I had to mow the lawn.
- No, I asked you to wait, But no, you chopped him up because you had a schedule.
- Well, at least my impulsive, chaotic nature Didn't scar our mother.
- Shut up.
- Yes.
- Shut up.
- Our mother's breast is deformed Because you had to shoot your stupid potato cannon.
- It was Memorial Day, and I was 12 years old! [overlapping yelling.]
- Fight, fight! [glass shattering.]
Yeah! [air horn blares.]
- Break it up, get out of the way.
The two of you.
Brothers? Huh? It's time to put an end to this world cup war.
I have a solution.
- Hm? [classical orchestral music.]
- This is what I'm talking about, folks.
Enjoy the peacefulness of this great American sport.
- Look at the bass.
She is so elusive.
- Yeah, she likes to hide beneath the murky depths.
Beautiful.
Really beautiful.
- Beautiful.
- I love you for all your body flaws And your quirky personality problems.
- [giggling.]
Thank you for saying that, Bruce.
I needed to hear that today.
[sighs.]
- Hey, Bruce, I'm sorry for the way I acted.
I think I was working out some unresolved issues with you Through the soccer.
- Yeah.
I think I was doing the same thing too, man.
I'm sorry.
Oh, and I'm sorry, too, for writing on the back of your car.
- What? [honking.]
What do you want, I'm going the speed limit! [honking.]
- [yells indistinctly.]
- hey! Son of a It's called the speed limit, you idiot! [honking.]
- [yells indistinctly.]
, you son of a bitch! - Son of a you son of a bitch! Jerk! [honking.]
[yelling.]
You You son of a bitch! What the hell's a matter with you? [groans.]
He is braver than a matador in high heels.
- What the hell are you watching? - I got the satellite soccer package.
- Ken, we already have The NFL Sunday ticket on DirecTV.
We don't need another satellite package.
- NFL.
- Yeah.
- I'll have you know the world cup Is universally recognized As the world's greatest sporting event.
It's already bringing in new customers.
Look.
[laughter.]
- Eurotrash.
- You love foreigners so much, Why don't you move to Pakistan And suck Osama bin Laden's Dick? - Very jingoistic of you, hickey.
- Bruce, I don't know where these guys are from, But I think they think I'm a stripper.
They just put a dollar in my apron.
- That's probably just the way they tip In their country.
- They are making obscene gestures at me.
[laughter.]
- Looks that way.
- Yeah.
- But I'm sure that those gestures mean Something completely different in their culture.
- Listen, I'll talk to 'em if you want, But, honestly, I don't think anybody Would confuse you with a stripper.
- Mm, thank you.
- Mm-hmm.
- Why not? For me to be a stripper, is that what you're saying? - Barb, you're beautiful.
- Yes, but with tiny breasts.
- Why would that matter? You're not a stripper, and you're never gonna be.
- I'm not a stripper at this juncture, but - So you're gonna be a stripper when you turn 50? - I don't know, Bruce.
I may want to be, yes.
But I guess, because of my mosquito-bite breasts, I can't be.
- This isn't an argument, Barb.
[sighs.]
oh, my God, hickey, Where'd you get those cheaters? - I sat on my other pair of glasses.
These are my old man's world war ii army issues.
- Jesus Christ.
- I think they're cool.
- we ain't never gonna change we ain't doing nothin' wrong we ain't never gonna change so shut your mouth and play along - Look, I watched some of this soccer, And I've come to the conclusion that it's, In fact, the most boring game ever invented.
- I'll have you know, With the current participation In youth soccer leagues, soccer is poised To explode in this country.
- Really? Haven't they been saying that for the last 30 years? That and the metric system? - [scoffs.]
- Hey, Bruce, the American bass fishing classic.
- Oh, no way, put it on.
Wow.
Look at that.
- Great, huh? - Nice cast.
- Yeah.
- How can you claim to find soccer boring, Yet watch the American bass fishing classic? - Are you implying that bass fishing is boring? That's unpatriotic.
- Yeah, why don't you just wipe your ass With the bill of rights? Oh, look, look, look! - This is Lake Reynolds.
- Right.
- They got some big-ass fish there.
- Wow.
- You cannot let this get you down.
Look, you're not gonna get a boob job, That's just not you, So there's really only one thing you can do.
- Accept my body for what it is And realize that Bruce is gonna love me No matter what I look like.
- Ugh.
No.
What are you talking about? Don't be stupid.
No, get a tattoo.
- Oh.
Why? - You know, to distract away from your tiny, weird boobs.
- I never used the word "weird.
" - Look, Barb, Everybody has their problem areas.
You know, when I used to get undressed in front of guys, All they would do is just stare at my amazing boobs.
It's like they were mesmerized by them.
It was just so annoying 'cause they were ignoring all this awesome stuff I got going on down here.
- All right.
- So I got a tattoo To distract away from here And bring 'em on down to this craziness.
Did you just take my picture? I want a copy of that for my Web site.
[laughter.]
- Hey, man.
Is this where we can see the football match at? - It is, indeed.
You must be the gentlemen from England.
Nice to meet you, bloke.
- Nice to meet you.
- I have a table reserved for you and your mates, So make yourselves at home.
- All right.
Lovely, man.
- Our friends from across the pond are here.
- Just what we need.
More soccer fans? - It's good for ah-ah.
Excuse me.
I'm sorry.
We don't allow outside beverages in the bar.
I'm gonna have to ask you to get rid of that.
- Oh, all right, I'll get rid of it.
All right.
[laughter.]
- Whoo! - Cultural differences, I guess.
Cultural differences.
- Here's your cultural differences.
Huh? - I'll take that to mean you'd like two beers.
- Yeah, I want two pints, man.
[laughter.]
two pints.
- Yeah.
- Hey, Ken.
I'll take two pints too.
Two pints! - Two pints! All: oh - the grand old Duke of York he had 10,000 men all: oh, oh, oh - he marched 'em up to the top of the hill and he marched 'em down again All: Oi, oi! [laughter.]
- That's it, Brucie.
- Yoo! - Yeah, man! - Calvin, two more.
Man, your friends from across the pond Are awesome.
- I thought you hated soccer.
- I hate soccer.
I love the fans.
These guys are real students of the game, man.
I admire their knowledge and commitment.
- Hey, Brucie, it's your turn to shoot the boot, man.
- What is this? - Come on.
Shoot the boot! - Oh, no, really? - Yeah, down the gullet now.
- All right.
- Shoot the boot! All: Na Na Na - shoot the boot! All: Na Na Na - shoot the boot! All: Na Na Na - shoot the boot! All: Na Na Na yay! - Attaboy, Brucie.
- All right.
- Two pitchers, bro.
- Thank you, Calvin.
- Why are you dressed like that? - Well, everybody else was getting all into the world cup, And my mom's dad on her side is eastern European, So I'm showing my pride.
- What's that for? - It's good luck.
- Hey! You don't do that to me.
- It's not bad.
Calm down.
It's a traditional eastern European greeting.
It means, "bring the cows on in.
"roll up your sleeves.
"flick down your mustache.
It's time to eat.
" - Mm.
- Want to buy a pager? - No.
- Used Mercedes-Benz? - Will you knock it off? Get back to work.
- You know where I live.
- In my office.
glory, glory, man United - [whistles along.]
- glory, glory, man United - Bruce, the next time your hooligan friends Come to the bar, have them clean up after themselves.
How does this even happen? - Those hooligans bought 20 pitchers of beer, By the way, so don't be so xenophobic.
- [scoffs.]
- Why would he pick that up with his fingers? - It's a dirty rubber, right? - Sweetie.
- What? - I'm not upset about before.
It's okay.
I have small breasts.
- Pumpkin, you don't have small breasts.
- Really? - No.
- Oh, God, I was about to get a tattoo To distract people from seeing them.
Oh, my God.
Thank God, you said - Oh.
Well, if you're thinking About getting a tattoo to distract, I wouldn't put it here, I'd put it here on the leg.
That way people can't see There's no way to differentiate between the end Of your calf and the beginning of your ankle.
- Are you saying that I have cankles? - No, there's just no accentuated taper Between the two.
- Those are cankles.
- Barb, don't pay attention to him.
You have great legs.
- Oh, my, God.
Hickey, I'm freaking out over here.
- I would kill for child-bearing foot hinges like that.
Don't judge by me.
I have goddamn bird ankles.
I mean, they break at the drop of a hat.
- Don't get a tattoo, Barb.
- Oh, thank you, Calvin.
It might distract from your linebacker shoulders.
Sometimes, when I'm in the gym, I'll think, "come on, Calvin.
One day you're gonna have The biggest shoulders in the bar.
" But not with you around.
Not any time soon, anyway.
- I'm gonna go work On my personality for a while.
- Your personality's great.
- Yeah, you have a really nice personality.
- You got a lot going on.
- Just pick a game.
- I'm trying to find an English soccer game.
- No, it breeds chaos.
Something else.
- Chaos sells beer, Ken.
- What are you doing? Come here.
Come here.
What's this? - Um, a pitcher.
- No.
Why do you look like that? - Oh, turns out the Serbian team sucks.
- So why do you like Sweden? - Because my mother's father on his father's side Is Swedish.
- That's fascinating.
Go put on a shirt.
- Okay.
- Dieter! - Guten tag, Kenny.
- Hey, guys.
You're here.
- Of course.
It is 8 1/2 minutes before the Berlin Munich game.
Just enough time to enjoy one beverage.
- Good thinking.
Go get a table, and I'll put on the game.
- Thank you.
- So who cloned all the nerds? - Those are my friends Dieter, Hans, Ludwig, and Adolf.
- Oh, is it a German mafia? - No.
I met them At an industrial time management seminar.
They split us up into teams.
I got put with them, and we destroyed All the other workshop participants.
- Wow.
Super dull.
- No.
It was fun.
I'm gonna go hang out with my friends.
Hey, fellas.
- Guten tag, Kenny.
- Guten tag.
- Hey, nice choice of table.
- Of course it is a good choice of table.
We considered it very carefully.
It is equidistant from restroom to bar, Calculate viewing angle for the television, And we can also enjoy the aroma from the kitchen.
- Well played.
- Thank you.
- Goal! And the Germans are going bonkers.
- German efficiency is winning again.
- That pass made me happy.
Perhaps we should do a cheer.
- All right, the cheer.
Munchen will win.
All: Agreed.
- Now we must focus.
This is a very crucial part of the game.
British customers: Brucie! Oi, oi, oi! Mickey, Mickey, Mickey! Oi, oi, oi! Oggy, oggy, oggy! Oi, oi, oi! - Excuse me! We are watching the soccer.
Quiet, please? [quiet laughter.]
- Hold on.
Hey, mate.
Mate, why don't you shut your bloody gob, huh? My bollocks are getting cold, mate.
[laughter.]
- it is in penalty time, And we cannot hear the announcer! - Don't engage them.
I'll handle this.
[laughter.]
Bruce, can I speak to you for a moment, please? - Uh, got to talk to my brother.
All: Oh! - Excuse me.
- I wonder if you wouldn't mind Asking your hooligan friends to quiet down While we try to watch our game.
- Sure.
You want to tell your Nazi buddies Not to shush people in my sports bar? - Only one of my friends has a Nazi in their family, And it's two generations back.
- Why do Germans got to run everything? They don't own this place.
- They can't help it if they're efficient.
- Ah, Ken.
- Thank you.
The game is over.
Munich has won.
Tomorrow we shall return To watch Germany defeat England In the world cup qualifier.
- Oh! Hey, wait a minute! - Okay, okay.
Hey, hey, hey.
- Listen, governor, you're not gonna beat England, all right? We beat you in two world wars, And we'll beat you again.
All: Yeah! - We will destroy England! All: Agreed! Agreed! Agreed! All: Oi! Oi! Oi! All: Agreed! Agreed! Agreed! All: Oi! Oi! Oi! All: Agreed! Agreed! Agreed! Oi! Oi! Oi! [overlapping chanting.]
- Hey, listen, shut up, the two of you! What the hell are you doing? Fighting each other over a damn soccer game? Why don't you just both take a trip to Philly And dip your balls in the crack of the liberty bell, huh? Both of you! - Yeah, Ken, why don't you dip Your German balls in the liberty bell? - He told us both to dip our balls! [shouting.]
- Shit! Ankles of a bird.
Goddamn Germans.
- What's wrong with you, Ken? - Damn limeys.
- I'm sorry I acted English.
- That was a crazy fight, huh? Listen, Krista, I've been thinking About what you said, and I think that I do need To get a tattoo, maybe even several.
Like, three or four.
- Great.
Let's do it.
- Here's the thing.
I have no idea what to get.
I mean, this is gonna be something That's with me forever.
- Yeah, you gotta get something that really says, "this is who I am.
This is what I believe in.
" - Yeah.
- You know, like, I'm a really self-confident person, right? So I got a tattoo of an arrow pointing to my vagina That says, "private party.
" 'cause I want guys to know that, if they're getting into this, It's like getting into the v.
I.
P.
Room Of club Krista.
And not everybody gets in there.
- Yeah.
No, that says a lot about you.
- love singing to myself alone in my office peace and quiet - I can sing 'cause I'm alone too - 'cause I'm the only one here - I'm so alone - I am the only one here my favorite song - nice, I don't have to hear the dribble that he spews - no one likes Ken - criticizing me the only reason that we're not bankrupt - I love Bruce - the only reason we're not bankrupt - Britain will win - I, I get to rule like the Germans I, I - I am a winner yes, how can I help you? Calvin? - Were you guys just talking to each other? - No [both.]
I was singing to myself.
- back to my song - I love singing - I'm so happy to be alone - alone without Ken - KenYou're late.
- No, I know, I'm sorry.
- What has happened? - Oh, a lot of road rage out there today.
Some jerk threw a milk shake at me.
- Ah, sounds like a waste of a milk shake.
[laughing.]
- [chuckles.]
Ah, we're gonna destroy those English hooligans.
- Yes, it is our destiny.
- Sakes alive, this English squad Has been bombed off top today.
- 'sup, mates.
Check out my British outfit.
Pretty authentic, right? [scoffs and chuckles.]
- For a girl.
[laughing.]
that's a nice skirt.
- What? - We're from England, not from Scotland.
All right, we don't shag sheep.
- Yeah.
[laughing.]
- We don't roll our r's.
- I don't understand what - we don't beat our wives.
- Oh! [laughing.]
- [awkward chuckle.]
Can I sit with you guys? - No, you can't.
- Passes to snitchler.
Back to Weinholdt, across to Sharbaugh, - Come on, Germany.
Show England that rules and order Are the keys to success in any endeavor.
All: Agreed.
- Come on, England.
Germany is to soccer what soup ranch is to buffets.
[laughing.]
- England is just some crummy delicatessen Too lazy to refrigerate their crab salad And gets a health code violation.
- Come on, England! Germany's an uptight, stupid, anal restaurant manager.
[laughing.]
- I'll tell you what, Germany, At least we're not someone who's so selfish That they can't have a long-term relationship.
- Come on, England.
At least we never tried to suck her own Dick Like Germany did when we were 12.
[laughing.]
- You've got stupid, fucking shorts, England.
- one world cup and two world wars doo dah doo dah - You don't look like a manager dressed like that! [overlapping chanting.]
- This German defense Has been assembly line perfect this afternoon.
- Oh, mechanically precise.
- Satisfactory.
- Hey, Ken, Barb's not here yet, And I have to wait all these tables by myself.
- What about Krista? - She's over there with those gondolier men.
- Germans always smell of cased meats, And friggin' English guys always have, like, the worst teeth.
- Excuse me.
- 'sup, dudes? - What was that? We are not Nazis.
- Okay.
- Krista.
- Yeah? - What are you doing? - I'm just watching the game With some of my French ex-boyfriends.
They love the England-Germany game, 'cause they want them both to lose.
So it's, like, a win-win situation.
- I'm not interested.
Get back to work.
[cheers and applause.]
- I don't really have to.
- Break out the pints, ladies and gentlemen - Ken, where have you been? You've missed a very disappointing moment In the game.
- I know.
I got distracted by one of my inefficient employees.
It won't happen again.
[scoffs.]
so disappointing.
- We're gonna destroy these English hooligans.
- Of course It is our destiny.
All: Agreed! - Go, England, go! What a great go off his foot there! Coming across the line! German goal! Oh, Germany, with a beautiful header! All: Prost! [cheers and applause.]
- Hey, Brits, you should learn how to speak American With that queer accent.
[chanting.]
goal, goal, goal [laughing.]
- Hey, krauts I loved Schindler's list.
[TV chatter.]
- Caught from Henderson! Off his foot! Goal! Right in the upper corner! [indistinct shouting.]
All: there were nine German farmers there were nine German farmers then the army from Britain shot them down - Shot 'em down! - Soccer's gay! - Brings it across.
HendersonGoal! What a beautiful one, right between his legs Of the German goalie.
Coming across.
Another goal! He's got it! - The game can't end in a tie, Germany has proven superiority of rules and order.
- Hey, world cup qualifiers end in ties all the time.
- Well, it's a stupid rule.
- Stupid rule? Isn't that an oxymoron, Ken? - So there is no winner I think Germany has proved its superiority Through time of possession.
- [scoffs.]
all right, I've heard enough.
It's time to throw down, mates.
- Yeah! Come on, you faggots, fight.
- Viva la France! - Nobody wants you.
- Why don't you get rid of your drunken Anglo miscreants Before they cause any more chaos.
- Oh, yeah? Why don't you Take your German Nazi trouble makers out of here Before they start another world war? - They're not Nazis! - They're Nazis! - Stop it! Both of you! I could tell you all the reasons why you should stop fighting, Or I could just as easily show you.
[collective gasp.]
- I never noticed you had such gigantic hands before.
- What? - They're like frying pans.
- Oh, my God.
- All right, Ken You wanna get personal? Fine.
Your strict adherence to rules Killed our pet hamster, tiny, didn't they? - It was a Saturday, I had to mow the lawn.
- No, I asked you to wait, But no, you chopped him up because you had a schedule.
- Well, at least my impulsive, chaotic nature Didn't scar our mother.
- Shut up.
- Yes.
- Shut up.
- Our mother's breast is deformed Because you had to shoot your stupid potato cannon.
- It was Memorial Day, and I was 12 years old! [overlapping yelling.]
- Fight, fight! [glass shattering.]
Yeah! [air horn blares.]
- Break it up, get out of the way.
The two of you.
Brothers? Huh? It's time to put an end to this world cup war.
I have a solution.
- Hm? [classical orchestral music.]
- This is what I'm talking about, folks.
Enjoy the peacefulness of this great American sport.
- Look at the bass.
She is so elusive.
- Yeah, she likes to hide beneath the murky depths.
Beautiful.
Really beautiful.
- Beautiful.
- I love you for all your body flaws And your quirky personality problems.
- [giggling.]
Thank you for saying that, Bruce.
I needed to hear that today.
[sighs.]
- Hey, Bruce, I'm sorry for the way I acted.
I think I was working out some unresolved issues with you Through the soccer.
- Yeah.
I think I was doing the same thing too, man.
I'm sorry.
Oh, and I'm sorry, too, for writing on the back of your car.
- What? [honking.]
What do you want, I'm going the speed limit! [honking.]
- [yells indistinctly.]
- hey! Son of a It's called the speed limit, you idiot! [honking.]
- [yells indistinctly.]
, you son of a bitch! - Son of a you son of a bitch! Jerk! [honking.]
[yelling.]
You You son of a bitch! What the hell's a matter with you? [groans.]