Q-Force (2021) s01e08 Episode Script
Greyscale
I remember Greyscale.
Ow! My Greg-scale!
Greyscale Greyscale.
What the Greyscale?
I can't believe
you're Greyscaling up with me.
This is the worst funeral
I've ever Greyscaled to!
It's for your own Greyscale.
Greyscale me, please!
I'm Greyscale.
If you Grey in a dream,
you Scale in real life.
Well, it's official.
I cannot handle Sleepytime tea.
And then Caryn and V ran off,
I have no idea where to.
I dumped Benji then got pulled over
for doing 90 on the 101,
which is honestly insane!
That's crazy!
The speed limit is 101!
It's right there in the name!
Thank you.
Anyway, it was a funeral to remember.
I just wish I knew
where V and Caryn were right now.
I can't find any trace of them.
I checked every place
two middle-aged cis women might hide.
Talbots, Ann Taylor Loft, everywhere!
Oh, wait!
Oh, shitballs.
Thought there might be an Annie Lennox
concert somewhere but nope, I'm stumped.
Wherever they are, I hope they're safe.
For now, all we know is V was right.
She didn't kill her partner
and there is a conspiracy at the AIA.
And worst of all, the Agency has
the ability to mess with our minds!
If they can mess with our minds,
what else can they mess with, our asses?
You wanna believe they'd make them bigger,
but they could make them smaller!
The last thing
V said to me was "Greyscale."
It's gotta be a clue.
Wait, Greyscale isn't a mattress brand
that advertises on podcasts, is it?
If the Agency sent Greg to get you two
and he comes back empty-handed,
they'll know something's up.
I bought us some time. I left Greg tied up
and unconscious in Tarzana.
No ID. No cash. No weapons.
What did you do with his cash?
Did you spend it? Can I have it?
Greg's a good spy.
He's probably halfway to DC by now.
Can someone drive me across the country?
My best friend beat me up!
But we can't rest
until we know what Greyscale is,
and we clear V's name
by any means necessary.
Fuck, yeah.
Any is my favorite means necessary.
You two know
that's a Malcolm X quote, right?
It's not just words.
And you're sure
this is the only mention of Greyscale
in the entire AIA database?
Yep. I built a search algorithm
more powerful than Google
and only slightly less evil.
It's so redacted.
Just 30 pages of "the" and "is."
It's worse than when rappers perform
at the Kids' Choice Awards.
I'm afraid to ask but, Stat, what would
it take for you to find us more info?
We still talking any means necessary
or am I bound by
the law?
Any means necessary.
The Greyscale file was created
by Dr. Hammond.
He's worked with the Agency
for a long time
but Greyscale seems to be
the only project associated with him.
Well, that was easy.
Yeah, I thought you'd have to do something
scary and insane to get that info.
Hmm?
Sorry. I thought I had those muted.
Yeah, nothing too scary or insane.
Just faked a nuclear threat from Canada.
The systems went haywire
and I hacked the metadata undetected.
Jesus! Where's Dr. Hammond now?
Looks like Palm Springs.
Says he's a podiatrist now.
Hammond I thought
I knew every podiatrist in California.
My arches have fallen so far,
they're outies.
"#birthdayvibes."
"Feeling a year older as fuck."
"None of my co-workers
have even mentioned it yet
so you know
they're planning something special."
Purple horny devil emoji.
Ice cream cone emoji.
Here's your false identity for today.
We're headed to Palm Springs.
Elaborate roleplay?
My absolute fave.
Who am I? The perfect boy
who jumps out of his own cake
then licks himself clean like a cat
while the world applauds?
You're a body glitter sales lady
who wants to get a jump on Coachella.
Sparkly! I'm in.
Stat, this so-called mission
is a great cover
for a surprise birthday weekend!
Oh. No, Twink, it's actually a coincidence
that we're going to Palm Springs today.
Q-Force is on a secret mission
against the AIA.
Yes, of course,
secret mission against the AIA.
- Listen
- This is already my best birthday ever!
Even better than my second Sweet 16.
The theme was
"Like A Virgin: Miami Nights: Whores."
So what specific festivities
are on the docket?
'Cause this fringed caftan
shrieks Palm Springs
but if there's a fire pit involved,
a lot of people could get hurt.
Yeah. I think you'll be fine.
Sir, please, I just
I sent you to Q-Force
to keep those fuckers in line,
and what do you do? Let 'em run wild,
and ditch your duties
for Gyenorvyan poontang!
You're suspended until further notice!
You're fuckin' useless.
I am so sorry, sir! Truly.
Now, may I
Yes, you can piss now.
Is somebody out there?
It's Mary.
I heard what Chunley just said to you.
Here to rub it in?
You're so fucking petty.
Grow up, Tom Petty!
No, I'm not here
to rub it in or be a jerk,
both of which are weird to say
while your penis is out.
Well, then give me a sec.
Almost done.
I actually think it's admirable
that you haven't been snitching on us
to Chunley this whole time.
It's a fucked-up assignment.
I kinda forgot that's what
I was supposed to be doing here.
Everything's so shiny and hairless.
Well, anyway, Dirk might think
you're useless but I don't.
Hey, why don't you spend your suspension
proving him wrong and me right?
Come on,
work with Q-Force on a top secret mission.
That sounds kinda good, actually.
I thought you'd say
something way shittier.
I just hate
that Daddy's disappointed in me.
I mean, I just hate
that Chunley's fucking mad at me.
I get it.
He's been mad at me for a decade.
Don't let it stop you.
You're thinking about how I haven't
washed my hands yet. I can tell.
You're hilarious, Mar.
It's so hot and dry out here.
My knees have stopped creaking
but now my skin creaks.
Listen.
There's Dr. Hammond!
Greyscale. We're about to
figure your ass out.
Wait. Is there actually
a mission happening right now?
Of course there is.
Why else would we be here?
Um Wow! Just wow!
Just, like, let me absorb this.
- What are you talking about, Twink?
- It's my birthday, you fool!
Or perhaps I'm the fool
to think you'd ever be thoughtful enough
to throw a surprise birthday party
for me, the apple of your eye!
I think it's his birthday.
- Yeah, I got that. Thanks, Buck.
- I can't I just Wow!
I can't with you people!
I shan't!
I'll make sure he doesn't
blow our cover, or his brains out.
What are you up to, Hammond?
What did V want us to know about you?
What the hell?
Do any of your podiatrists ever do that?
No, but to be fair, our insurance sucks.
Maybe this is what Greyscale is,
but what's it got to do with V?
This is weird. Stepford Wives weird.
Nicole Kidman Stepford Wives weird.
Whoa. Okay, white Simone Biles!
Is he on HGH?
Should I be on HGH?
We need to find out more.
More about Dr. Hammond?
Shit on a stick!
Dr. Hammond's a miracle worker!
My neighbors and I all had
the worst headaches and nightmares
that kept us up all night screaming,
but then Dr. Hammond
gave us our foot pills.
And we love our foot pills.
Neat. Yeah, that makes perfect sense.
You're crouching on snake eggs.
Have a good day.
Now there is a mind
that's been messed with.
Ew. There's, like,
snake yolk all over my knees.
- How did I not feel that?
- Ugh.
We need to stay off the AIA's radar
and get our answers quietly, okay?
I'm going to work on old
Oh, The Matrix!
No, Ratatouille!
Mrs. Doubtfire!
The Bodyguard?
Wait. Oh, my God! I have the best idea.
Keto lipstick.
Also, why don't I head downtown and try
to get intel from the drag community?
- It's my birthday so I get to do it.
- That actually is a good idea.
You and Stat go do recon with the locals
while we keep our eye on the cul-de-sac.
Why do I have to go? I wanna watch
these weirdos through their windows.
Stat, it's my birthday! My birthday!
You love me, remember?
Also, we'll get drunk.
Oh. Okay. Sounds good.
Hammond's handsome patient
left his house three minutes ago.
Don't tell Benji I called him handsome.
Wait, shit! Benji and I broke up.
But we kinda had to break up.
Oh, that's so sad.
Also, he wouldn't have cared.
He was so chill.
Mary.
Dude.
- Oh.
- Oh.
Sorry about that.
Please, have at them.
Thank you. I love carrots.
I'm Steve, by the way.
Andrew, I think carrots are fine.
And you're really cute!
Me? You should talk.
You're like King Triton with shorter hair
and legs instead of a tail.
And now you know how horny
I used to get watching The Little Mermaid.
That's usually a second date convo.
No, it's cool. For the record,
I had a little bit of a thing for
that Robin Hood fox in the late '70s, so
Steve, how have I never
seen you around before?
Oh, I actually just moved to town.
I love it out here. It's burning hot.
Super warm. Yeah, burning.
Uh Well, if you're looking
to make some friends in town,
I'm hosting a little happy hour
for my neighbors this afternoon.
Everyone brings people and I've got a pool
in case you want to get mermaidy.
That sounds really nice. Thank you.
I'll definitely be there.
Tell me the address
since I don't already know where you live.
Right. Of course.
See you soon,
and, uh, enjoy those carrots, handsome.
Okay, we're in. Cul-de-sac happy hour.
And no one brought up
The Little Mermaid or anything.
Gay men will really just invite anyone
they're attracted to into their home.
Good thing a lot of you are so jacked.
That was smooth, bro.
Just like my favorite song by Santana
featuring Rob Thomas, "Smooth."
- Have you heard that song before?
- I have. Now, let's get
Froot Loops.
I was thinking the same thing.
No, I was going to say let's get
Froot Loops and milk
and a bowl and a spoon.
- Should we do this now?
- Fine!
Drag queens are the eyes,
ears and throats of any town.
If there's anyone
who'll know about a creepy doctor,
they'll be here and lip-syncing
to a Donna Summer remix.
Want to start a tab?
If you check, you'll see
I've started one for myself.
Should be under Shiloh Jolie-Pitt.
Wow! Look at that gorgeous glamour girl!
She's like me but a picture!
That's Aunt Jenny.
She's about to go on, actually.
LOL. #comedy, #SNL. I love her already!
This reveal is going to be epic!
Here we go, girl!
Show us you're young! Slay!
Blue moon ♪
I saw you standing alone ♪
Wow!
Wow!
in my heart ♪
I changed it!
I retired early, got sick of the rat race.
Well, you've come to the right place.
The rats can't race here
or else their hearts and lungs
explode from the heat.
Yes, because it's hot.
Sure is, and then cold at night.
So, Jerry, was it?
What did you do
before you retired out here?
I retired from the store.
Uh-huh. So, the store
I retired from the store.
Most days I'm tooling up the golf cart.
I'm making it amphibious
so I can take the wife
from the shallow end to the deep end
without getting pool water in her eyes.
Disagrees with her drops.
Uh-huh. Relatable as hell. Go on.
And then, you know,
it's time for foot pills.
And hello! It's tomorrow.
Must be some strong-ass pills.
And you say your wife's name was Pam?
Uh, Pan, like Peter.
Oh. Sorry, fellas. Should have warned you.
I'm a world-class dart-er.
Shoot! Again? We're out of darts.
We've got to start buying
more than three at a time.
I think I know
what's going on around here.
- Everyone here is
- Gay.
An ex-AIA agent.
Did you just say Yeah, of course, Buck!
My clue was
that even the darts were pounding ass.
Darts are boys.
These are all gay ex-AIA agents
from before Q-Force existed.
They just don't remember,
like V didn't about Caryn!
Dude, this could have been us!
Not me.
No, not you. You would've been fine.
More than fine, really.
But there's something
really creepy and bad about this.
I wonder if what the doctor's
doing to these people is Greyscale!
I've got a plan.
Great job up there!
You sounded really scary!
Oh, thanks.
I know I shouldn't
do "Tears in Heaven" as my closer
but, hey, I love the tune!
Mind if I sit?
My walker
doesn't match this look.
My legs are about to give.
Sure! Today's my birthday
and you're the main event.
Let me buy you a round.
You could pretend there's a candle in it,
but don't really
put a candle in there, Johnny.
I've lost too many
of my sisters to drinks on fire.
Drink up!
I'll share a tale that always
lifts my spirits when I'm feeling down.
The tale of the time I convinced
Marlon Brando and James Dean
to have a threesome with Eartha Kitt!
Whoa. The best Catwoman!
Tied for first with Michelle Pfeiffer,
Adrienne Barbeau, Julie Newmar,
Halle Berry, Eliza Dushku, Anne Hathaway
Eartha was a hoot!
Me, her and Princess Grace used to party
all night at Elvis' Honeymoon Ranch.
I stole this pinky ring off her
during a particularly long
evening of strip-Twister!
Oh, cocaine!
Wow! I knew I needed
to be around my people today.
You're way cooler than the other
old people we've met out here.
Get this, there's this one neighborhood
with its own foot doctor! Ew.
Oh, sure, Yucca Vista. Dr. Hammond.
I know everyone in this town.
I've lived here longer
than most of the cactuses have.
Oh, he's a real wacko.
I mean, who'd want to live
way up at the top of the mountain
the aerial tramway goes to?
Wait. You know where Dr. Hammond lives?
Twink, your selfish plan paid off!
They always do!
Now let's steal a car
and drive to fucking Paris, bitch!
Andrew!
Sorry, I
I just need my foot pills, I think.
- This headache
- Yeah, you're really tense.
Maybe your headache has
something to do with
- Wait, what's this?
- My back brace.
All of Hammond's patients have them.
He says the back
is the window to the foot.
God! They really
don't want you to remember, do they?
Don't get old, kid. It's nothing
but problems once you go grey.
It didn't have to be like this.
What?
Judy?
What happened? What was that?
- Did you remember something?
- No! Well, not a memory.
Something that's never happened.
I've never been to Vienna
and I didn't know Judy when I was younger.
- I met her
- When you retired from the store?
I didn't tell you that
This is it!
This is what V needed me to find.
This is amazing! Oh, my God, Andrew!
- Andrew?
- Uh
I'm gonna go lie down now.
I think the party's over.
They've all got those metal back braces.
This is crazy!
You should've seen the look on his face
when I cracked his back.
He didn't remember anything!
We have to wake them up.
If the AIA fucked with your brain,
wouldn't you want to know? I would.
I plan to retire to a house
exactly like Judy's on my own terms,
not because the damn AIA told me to.
Stat, what's up? What did you find?
An incredible drag queen. Very old.
But, also, I know where Dr. Hammond lives.
Perfect. He definitely fucked with
these people's minds, like he did with V.
Find me whatever you can about Greyscale
because we've got a cul-de-sac to save!
You said sack.
Okay, me and Twink
are gonna go be Catwomans. Peace.
She was really inspired just now.
Yes?
Hi! Are you the famous Dr. Hammond?
So sorry to disturb you at your home,
but I'm just struggling so much
with my feet.
Feet? Uh
I'm sorry, you'll have to schedule
an appointment with my secretary.
Oh, please!
My feet are so tiny and beautiful,
they're actually causing me physical pain.
Ow. My feet hurt! Ow.
- Darn!
- That doesn't sound good.
I mean, I'm definitely a podiatrist,
but let me just grab a book or two
to jog my memory about how to fix feet.
No! Wait! No, no, no!
- Hey!
- Uh-oh.
What's going on here?
You're on Scare Tactics!
Ow!
Get out of my study!
Not until we get what we came here for!
Which is Um Uh
- Greyscale.
- Yeah, Greyscale.
What the hell is that?
Tell us now, old man!
Greyscale?
I haven't heard it
said out loud in so long,
but I always knew this day would come.
It couldn't stay secret forever.
Too bad you'll never know the truth!
Hey!
Damn! They make tackling
look so much easier in football porn!
Ew. He owns a Segway?
Certified creep status!
Aunt Jenny was right!
Not on my birthday, you don't!
What the hell are you?
I'm the birthday boy
and these jellybones came to play!
Miss Piggy taught me that move.
You won't get far.
I've already alerted
the AIA that you're here.
As far as I'm concerned,
this whole dark chapter
of my life is finally over.
Sinatra, I'm coming for you, baby.
And by the way,
your feet are actually ugly.
Now that is a death drop.
We got the file,
but you guys missed this, like,
birthday action sequence.
You guys, you did it!
We can help all of Hammond's patients.
One teeny tiny snag.
- Hammond is dead.
- Oh, my God!
Also before he died, he alerted the AIA
so they know we're here.
Um, oopsie-doopsies?
Deb, can you read this?
My eyeballs just stopped working.
I know, right?
Imagine dying on my birthday.
I guess it's
The circle of life! ♪
Damn! Greyscale wasn't just designed
to erase people's memories.
It says here the Agency
wanted to use it to change people,
people who didn't "fit in."
Oh, no! Dorks?
Queer people.
I guess back then,
they didn't just send them to WeHo,
out of sight, out of mind.
It's high-tech conversion therapy.
They couldn't turn people straight,
so they just took away
their memories of being spies.
Can you imagine not remembering
everything we've been through together?
Damn!
Does every neighborhood out here
have its own doctor and airport?
Shit, me and Pam
might pack up the U-Haul tonight!
No. It's AIA! They're here. Fuck!
Jump in the 'Ru!
I got a plan
to wake these California Raisins up.
Too loud! It's after 5:00 p.m.!
They've got their back braces on!
Initiating magnet mode.
Why do we even have magnet mode?
In case we ever want to have a picnic
with the car as a table,
but it's real windy out. Duh!
Just do the damn donuts, Mary.
Andrew!
I remember!
Andrew, there are bad people here.
People who want to hurt you.
Jerry, how did we get here?
Is this a mission?
The AIA
Greyscale!
We all got put
on Greyscale, then
Oh, God. You can't know any of this.
What am I doing?
You should go. Save yourself!
Don't get mixed up with a guy like me.
My life's too dangerous.
No, I'm AIA, too,
and I just gave that same speech
to a guy two days ago.
I see why he was so upset.
It does come across a tidge patronizing.
But if you're AIA, they're gonna want
to Greyscale the shit out of you.
You're, like, gay, gay, gay, gay.
All of you are, it looks like.
Gayer than two left shoes, honey!
Your squad got us this far,
but my friends and I
have unfinished business.
Let us take it from here.
Go, now!
- That was absolutely cuckoo.
- How are we going to find V and Caryn?
- Is anyone following us?
- Don't think so.
Mary, blind spot!
Jesus, is the magnet still on?
Everyone, down!
Oh, my God. It's V and Caryn!
Thank God you figured it out!
V! You look amazing
for someone who was shot very recently!
For real! Damn woman stops time!
Okay. Now we chase
you guys through the desert.
No? Not the vibe right now?
Thanks for hanging with me on my b-day.
You're the only one who gets it.
I actually don't.
I'm allergic to birthdays,
but you really give a shit, and
Anyway, here.
A heavy duffel bag!
I love presents that make me feel
itsy-bitsy by comparison!
$10,000 cash. I stole it
from Hammond before he busted us.
Whoa.
Okay. I'm gonna buy
one really pretty pair of shoes with this!
How was Jerry?
He was always so good
at baking and assassinations.
He seemed good, Carol.
Caryn. Jesus.
So this is the one you like?
They look the same to me.
I know. The Agency has a type.
I'm glad you two are okay.
Here's everything we need to know.
Now let's fucking fix this.
Just to say it,
if you want to keep going down this road,
there's no coming back.
Some cans of worms can never
be filled back up with more worms again,
no matter how many worms you find or buy.
Understood. This whole time
I've been so worried
trying to prove
I'm good enough for the AIA,
but now it's time for the AIA to change
and be good enough for me.
And good enough for my squad.
I haven't touched a man
in a long-ass time.
Squeeze me harder, pussy!
Is that all you got?
So we gotta talk
about Caryn, by the way.
Ow! My Greg-scale!
Greyscale Greyscale.
What the Greyscale?
I can't believe
you're Greyscaling up with me.
This is the worst funeral
I've ever Greyscaled to!
It's for your own Greyscale.
Greyscale me, please!
I'm Greyscale.
If you Grey in a dream,
you Scale in real life.
Well, it's official.
I cannot handle Sleepytime tea.
And then Caryn and V ran off,
I have no idea where to.
I dumped Benji then got pulled over
for doing 90 on the 101,
which is honestly insane!
That's crazy!
The speed limit is 101!
It's right there in the name!
Thank you.
Anyway, it was a funeral to remember.
I just wish I knew
where V and Caryn were right now.
I can't find any trace of them.
I checked every place
two middle-aged cis women might hide.
Talbots, Ann Taylor Loft, everywhere!
Oh, wait!
Oh, shitballs.
Thought there might be an Annie Lennox
concert somewhere but nope, I'm stumped.
Wherever they are, I hope they're safe.
For now, all we know is V was right.
She didn't kill her partner
and there is a conspiracy at the AIA.
And worst of all, the Agency has
the ability to mess with our minds!
If they can mess with our minds,
what else can they mess with, our asses?
You wanna believe they'd make them bigger,
but they could make them smaller!
The last thing
V said to me was "Greyscale."
It's gotta be a clue.
Wait, Greyscale isn't a mattress brand
that advertises on podcasts, is it?
If the Agency sent Greg to get you two
and he comes back empty-handed,
they'll know something's up.
I bought us some time. I left Greg tied up
and unconscious in Tarzana.
No ID. No cash. No weapons.
What did you do with his cash?
Did you spend it? Can I have it?
Greg's a good spy.
He's probably halfway to DC by now.
Can someone drive me across the country?
My best friend beat me up!
But we can't rest
until we know what Greyscale is,
and we clear V's name
by any means necessary.
Fuck, yeah.
Any is my favorite means necessary.
You two know
that's a Malcolm X quote, right?
It's not just words.
And you're sure
this is the only mention of Greyscale
in the entire AIA database?
Yep. I built a search algorithm
more powerful than Google
and only slightly less evil.
It's so redacted.
Just 30 pages of "the" and "is."
It's worse than when rappers perform
at the Kids' Choice Awards.
I'm afraid to ask but, Stat, what would
it take for you to find us more info?
We still talking any means necessary
or am I bound by
the law?
Any means necessary.
The Greyscale file was created
by Dr. Hammond.
He's worked with the Agency
for a long time
but Greyscale seems to be
the only project associated with him.
Well, that was easy.
Yeah, I thought you'd have to do something
scary and insane to get that info.
Hmm?
Sorry. I thought I had those muted.
Yeah, nothing too scary or insane.
Just faked a nuclear threat from Canada.
The systems went haywire
and I hacked the metadata undetected.
Jesus! Where's Dr. Hammond now?
Looks like Palm Springs.
Says he's a podiatrist now.
Hammond I thought
I knew every podiatrist in California.
My arches have fallen so far,
they're outies.
"#birthdayvibes."
"Feeling a year older as fuck."
"None of my co-workers
have even mentioned it yet
so you know
they're planning something special."
Purple horny devil emoji.
Ice cream cone emoji.
Here's your false identity for today.
We're headed to Palm Springs.
Elaborate roleplay?
My absolute fave.
Who am I? The perfect boy
who jumps out of his own cake
then licks himself clean like a cat
while the world applauds?
You're a body glitter sales lady
who wants to get a jump on Coachella.
Sparkly! I'm in.
Stat, this so-called mission
is a great cover
for a surprise birthday weekend!
Oh. No, Twink, it's actually a coincidence
that we're going to Palm Springs today.
Q-Force is on a secret mission
against the AIA.
Yes, of course,
secret mission against the AIA.
- Listen
- This is already my best birthday ever!
Even better than my second Sweet 16.
The theme was
"Like A Virgin: Miami Nights: Whores."
So what specific festivities
are on the docket?
'Cause this fringed caftan
shrieks Palm Springs
but if there's a fire pit involved,
a lot of people could get hurt.
Yeah. I think you'll be fine.
Sir, please, I just
I sent you to Q-Force
to keep those fuckers in line,
and what do you do? Let 'em run wild,
and ditch your duties
for Gyenorvyan poontang!
You're suspended until further notice!
You're fuckin' useless.
I am so sorry, sir! Truly.
Now, may I
Yes, you can piss now.
Is somebody out there?
It's Mary.
I heard what Chunley just said to you.
Here to rub it in?
You're so fucking petty.
Grow up, Tom Petty!
No, I'm not here
to rub it in or be a jerk,
both of which are weird to say
while your penis is out.
Well, then give me a sec.
Almost done.
I actually think it's admirable
that you haven't been snitching on us
to Chunley this whole time.
It's a fucked-up assignment.
I kinda forgot that's what
I was supposed to be doing here.
Everything's so shiny and hairless.
Well, anyway, Dirk might think
you're useless but I don't.
Hey, why don't you spend your suspension
proving him wrong and me right?
Come on,
work with Q-Force on a top secret mission.
That sounds kinda good, actually.
I thought you'd say
something way shittier.
I just hate
that Daddy's disappointed in me.
I mean, I just hate
that Chunley's fucking mad at me.
I get it.
He's been mad at me for a decade.
Don't let it stop you.
You're thinking about how I haven't
washed my hands yet. I can tell.
You're hilarious, Mar.
It's so hot and dry out here.
My knees have stopped creaking
but now my skin creaks.
Listen.
There's Dr. Hammond!
Greyscale. We're about to
figure your ass out.
Wait. Is there actually
a mission happening right now?
Of course there is.
Why else would we be here?
Um Wow! Just wow!
Just, like, let me absorb this.
- What are you talking about, Twink?
- It's my birthday, you fool!
Or perhaps I'm the fool
to think you'd ever be thoughtful enough
to throw a surprise birthday party
for me, the apple of your eye!
I think it's his birthday.
- Yeah, I got that. Thanks, Buck.
- I can't I just Wow!
I can't with you people!
I shan't!
I'll make sure he doesn't
blow our cover, or his brains out.
What are you up to, Hammond?
What did V want us to know about you?
What the hell?
Do any of your podiatrists ever do that?
No, but to be fair, our insurance sucks.
Maybe this is what Greyscale is,
but what's it got to do with V?
This is weird. Stepford Wives weird.
Nicole Kidman Stepford Wives weird.
Whoa. Okay, white Simone Biles!
Is he on HGH?
Should I be on HGH?
We need to find out more.
More about Dr. Hammond?
Shit on a stick!
Dr. Hammond's a miracle worker!
My neighbors and I all had
the worst headaches and nightmares
that kept us up all night screaming,
but then Dr. Hammond
gave us our foot pills.
And we love our foot pills.
Neat. Yeah, that makes perfect sense.
You're crouching on snake eggs.
Have a good day.
Now there is a mind
that's been messed with.
Ew. There's, like,
snake yolk all over my knees.
- How did I not feel that?
- Ugh.
We need to stay off the AIA's radar
and get our answers quietly, okay?
I'm going to work on old
Oh, The Matrix!
No, Ratatouille!
Mrs. Doubtfire!
The Bodyguard?
Wait. Oh, my God! I have the best idea.
Keto lipstick.
Also, why don't I head downtown and try
to get intel from the drag community?
- It's my birthday so I get to do it.
- That actually is a good idea.
You and Stat go do recon with the locals
while we keep our eye on the cul-de-sac.
Why do I have to go? I wanna watch
these weirdos through their windows.
Stat, it's my birthday! My birthday!
You love me, remember?
Also, we'll get drunk.
Oh. Okay. Sounds good.
Hammond's handsome patient
left his house three minutes ago.
Don't tell Benji I called him handsome.
Wait, shit! Benji and I broke up.
But we kinda had to break up.
Oh, that's so sad.
Also, he wouldn't have cared.
He was so chill.
Mary.
Dude.
- Oh.
- Oh.
Sorry about that.
Please, have at them.
Thank you. I love carrots.
I'm Steve, by the way.
Andrew, I think carrots are fine.
And you're really cute!
Me? You should talk.
You're like King Triton with shorter hair
and legs instead of a tail.
And now you know how horny
I used to get watching The Little Mermaid.
That's usually a second date convo.
No, it's cool. For the record,
I had a little bit of a thing for
that Robin Hood fox in the late '70s, so
Steve, how have I never
seen you around before?
Oh, I actually just moved to town.
I love it out here. It's burning hot.
Super warm. Yeah, burning.
Uh Well, if you're looking
to make some friends in town,
I'm hosting a little happy hour
for my neighbors this afternoon.
Everyone brings people and I've got a pool
in case you want to get mermaidy.
That sounds really nice. Thank you.
I'll definitely be there.
Tell me the address
since I don't already know where you live.
Right. Of course.
See you soon,
and, uh, enjoy those carrots, handsome.
Okay, we're in. Cul-de-sac happy hour.
And no one brought up
The Little Mermaid or anything.
Gay men will really just invite anyone
they're attracted to into their home.
Good thing a lot of you are so jacked.
That was smooth, bro.
Just like my favorite song by Santana
featuring Rob Thomas, "Smooth."
- Have you heard that song before?
- I have. Now, let's get
Froot Loops.
I was thinking the same thing.
No, I was going to say let's get
Froot Loops and milk
and a bowl and a spoon.
- Should we do this now?
- Fine!
Drag queens are the eyes,
ears and throats of any town.
If there's anyone
who'll know about a creepy doctor,
they'll be here and lip-syncing
to a Donna Summer remix.
Want to start a tab?
If you check, you'll see
I've started one for myself.
Should be under Shiloh Jolie-Pitt.
Wow! Look at that gorgeous glamour girl!
She's like me but a picture!
That's Aunt Jenny.
She's about to go on, actually.
LOL. #comedy, #SNL. I love her already!
This reveal is going to be epic!
Here we go, girl!
Show us you're young! Slay!
Blue moon ♪
I saw you standing alone ♪
Wow!
Wow!
in my heart ♪
I changed it!
I retired early, got sick of the rat race.
Well, you've come to the right place.
The rats can't race here
or else their hearts and lungs
explode from the heat.
Yes, because it's hot.
Sure is, and then cold at night.
So, Jerry, was it?
What did you do
before you retired out here?
I retired from the store.
Uh-huh. So, the store
I retired from the store.
Most days I'm tooling up the golf cart.
I'm making it amphibious
so I can take the wife
from the shallow end to the deep end
without getting pool water in her eyes.
Disagrees with her drops.
Uh-huh. Relatable as hell. Go on.
And then, you know,
it's time for foot pills.
And hello! It's tomorrow.
Must be some strong-ass pills.
And you say your wife's name was Pam?
Uh, Pan, like Peter.
Oh. Sorry, fellas. Should have warned you.
I'm a world-class dart-er.
Shoot! Again? We're out of darts.
We've got to start buying
more than three at a time.
I think I know
what's going on around here.
- Everyone here is
- Gay.
An ex-AIA agent.
Did you just say Yeah, of course, Buck!
My clue was
that even the darts were pounding ass.
Darts are boys.
These are all gay ex-AIA agents
from before Q-Force existed.
They just don't remember,
like V didn't about Caryn!
Dude, this could have been us!
Not me.
No, not you. You would've been fine.
More than fine, really.
But there's something
really creepy and bad about this.
I wonder if what the doctor's
doing to these people is Greyscale!
I've got a plan.
Great job up there!
You sounded really scary!
Oh, thanks.
I know I shouldn't
do "Tears in Heaven" as my closer
but, hey, I love the tune!
Mind if I sit?
My walker
doesn't match this look.
My legs are about to give.
Sure! Today's my birthday
and you're the main event.
Let me buy you a round.
You could pretend there's a candle in it,
but don't really
put a candle in there, Johnny.
I've lost too many
of my sisters to drinks on fire.
Drink up!
I'll share a tale that always
lifts my spirits when I'm feeling down.
The tale of the time I convinced
Marlon Brando and James Dean
to have a threesome with Eartha Kitt!
Whoa. The best Catwoman!
Tied for first with Michelle Pfeiffer,
Adrienne Barbeau, Julie Newmar,
Halle Berry, Eliza Dushku, Anne Hathaway
Eartha was a hoot!
Me, her and Princess Grace used to party
all night at Elvis' Honeymoon Ranch.
I stole this pinky ring off her
during a particularly long
evening of strip-Twister!
Oh, cocaine!
Wow! I knew I needed
to be around my people today.
You're way cooler than the other
old people we've met out here.
Get this, there's this one neighborhood
with its own foot doctor! Ew.
Oh, sure, Yucca Vista. Dr. Hammond.
I know everyone in this town.
I've lived here longer
than most of the cactuses have.
Oh, he's a real wacko.
I mean, who'd want to live
way up at the top of the mountain
the aerial tramway goes to?
Wait. You know where Dr. Hammond lives?
Twink, your selfish plan paid off!
They always do!
Now let's steal a car
and drive to fucking Paris, bitch!
Andrew!
Sorry, I
I just need my foot pills, I think.
- This headache
- Yeah, you're really tense.
Maybe your headache has
something to do with
- Wait, what's this?
- My back brace.
All of Hammond's patients have them.
He says the back
is the window to the foot.
God! They really
don't want you to remember, do they?
Don't get old, kid. It's nothing
but problems once you go grey.
It didn't have to be like this.
What?
Judy?
What happened? What was that?
- Did you remember something?
- No! Well, not a memory.
Something that's never happened.
I've never been to Vienna
and I didn't know Judy when I was younger.
- I met her
- When you retired from the store?
I didn't tell you that
This is it!
This is what V needed me to find.
This is amazing! Oh, my God, Andrew!
- Andrew?
- Uh
I'm gonna go lie down now.
I think the party's over.
They've all got those metal back braces.
This is crazy!
You should've seen the look on his face
when I cracked his back.
He didn't remember anything!
We have to wake them up.
If the AIA fucked with your brain,
wouldn't you want to know? I would.
I plan to retire to a house
exactly like Judy's on my own terms,
not because the damn AIA told me to.
Stat, what's up? What did you find?
An incredible drag queen. Very old.
But, also, I know where Dr. Hammond lives.
Perfect. He definitely fucked with
these people's minds, like he did with V.
Find me whatever you can about Greyscale
because we've got a cul-de-sac to save!
You said sack.
Okay, me and Twink
are gonna go be Catwomans. Peace.
She was really inspired just now.
Yes?
Hi! Are you the famous Dr. Hammond?
So sorry to disturb you at your home,
but I'm just struggling so much
with my feet.
Feet? Uh
I'm sorry, you'll have to schedule
an appointment with my secretary.
Oh, please!
My feet are so tiny and beautiful,
they're actually causing me physical pain.
Ow. My feet hurt! Ow.
- Darn!
- That doesn't sound good.
I mean, I'm definitely a podiatrist,
but let me just grab a book or two
to jog my memory about how to fix feet.
No! Wait! No, no, no!
- Hey!
- Uh-oh.
What's going on here?
You're on Scare Tactics!
Ow!
Get out of my study!
Not until we get what we came here for!
Which is Um Uh
- Greyscale.
- Yeah, Greyscale.
What the hell is that?
Tell us now, old man!
Greyscale?
I haven't heard it
said out loud in so long,
but I always knew this day would come.
It couldn't stay secret forever.
Too bad you'll never know the truth!
Hey!
Damn! They make tackling
look so much easier in football porn!
Ew. He owns a Segway?
Certified creep status!
Aunt Jenny was right!
Not on my birthday, you don't!
What the hell are you?
I'm the birthday boy
and these jellybones came to play!
Miss Piggy taught me that move.
You won't get far.
I've already alerted
the AIA that you're here.
As far as I'm concerned,
this whole dark chapter
of my life is finally over.
Sinatra, I'm coming for you, baby.
And by the way,
your feet are actually ugly.
Now that is a death drop.
We got the file,
but you guys missed this, like,
birthday action sequence.
You guys, you did it!
We can help all of Hammond's patients.
One teeny tiny snag.
- Hammond is dead.
- Oh, my God!
Also before he died, he alerted the AIA
so they know we're here.
Um, oopsie-doopsies?
Deb, can you read this?
My eyeballs just stopped working.
I know, right?
Imagine dying on my birthday.
I guess it's
The circle of life! ♪
Damn! Greyscale wasn't just designed
to erase people's memories.
It says here the Agency
wanted to use it to change people,
people who didn't "fit in."
Oh, no! Dorks?
Queer people.
I guess back then,
they didn't just send them to WeHo,
out of sight, out of mind.
It's high-tech conversion therapy.
They couldn't turn people straight,
so they just took away
their memories of being spies.
Can you imagine not remembering
everything we've been through together?
Damn!
Does every neighborhood out here
have its own doctor and airport?
Shit, me and Pam
might pack up the U-Haul tonight!
No. It's AIA! They're here. Fuck!
Jump in the 'Ru!
I got a plan
to wake these California Raisins up.
Too loud! It's after 5:00 p.m.!
They've got their back braces on!
Initiating magnet mode.
Why do we even have magnet mode?
In case we ever want to have a picnic
with the car as a table,
but it's real windy out. Duh!
Just do the damn donuts, Mary.
Andrew!
I remember!
Andrew, there are bad people here.
People who want to hurt you.
Jerry, how did we get here?
Is this a mission?
The AIA
Greyscale!
We all got put
on Greyscale, then
Oh, God. You can't know any of this.
What am I doing?
You should go. Save yourself!
Don't get mixed up with a guy like me.
My life's too dangerous.
No, I'm AIA, too,
and I just gave that same speech
to a guy two days ago.
I see why he was so upset.
It does come across a tidge patronizing.
But if you're AIA, they're gonna want
to Greyscale the shit out of you.
You're, like, gay, gay, gay, gay.
All of you are, it looks like.
Gayer than two left shoes, honey!
Your squad got us this far,
but my friends and I
have unfinished business.
Let us take it from here.
Go, now!
- That was absolutely cuckoo.
- How are we going to find V and Caryn?
- Is anyone following us?
- Don't think so.
Mary, blind spot!
Jesus, is the magnet still on?
Everyone, down!
Oh, my God. It's V and Caryn!
Thank God you figured it out!
V! You look amazing
for someone who was shot very recently!
For real! Damn woman stops time!
Okay. Now we chase
you guys through the desert.
No? Not the vibe right now?
Thanks for hanging with me on my b-day.
You're the only one who gets it.
I actually don't.
I'm allergic to birthdays,
but you really give a shit, and
Anyway, here.
A heavy duffel bag!
I love presents that make me feel
itsy-bitsy by comparison!
$10,000 cash. I stole it
from Hammond before he busted us.
Whoa.
Okay. I'm gonna buy
one really pretty pair of shoes with this!
How was Jerry?
He was always so good
at baking and assassinations.
He seemed good, Carol.
Caryn. Jesus.
So this is the one you like?
They look the same to me.
I know. The Agency has a type.
I'm glad you two are okay.
Here's everything we need to know.
Now let's fucking fix this.
Just to say it,
if you want to keep going down this road,
there's no coming back.
Some cans of worms can never
be filled back up with more worms again,
no matter how many worms you find or buy.
Understood. This whole time
I've been so worried
trying to prove
I'm good enough for the AIA,
but now it's time for the AIA to change
and be good enough for me.
And good enough for my squad.
I haven't touched a man
in a long-ass time.
Squeeze me harder, pussy!
Is that all you got?
So we gotta talk
about Caryn, by the way.