Reaper s01e08 Episode Script
The Cop
This looks nothing like a chair.
Yeah, maybe we should throw it away.
Whoa, whoa.
Hold up.
Hold up.
What? We have got a very special guest at the Bench today.
Is that Gladys from the DMW? This is too weird.
There's a demon buying paper towels.
Oh, my brain is itchy.
Wh-wh-wh-wh-what, do demons live just like regular people? I mean, do they sleep? Do they eat? Apparently they go to the bathroom.
A lot.
I've got so many more questions.
I need answers.
Sock.
Sock, don't do anything stupid.
Sam, I am almost certainly going to do something stupid.
It's in my blood.
You know that.
- Andi.
Andi! - What? I think I lost something in this register.
No, what do you mean? Ted said that I gotta-- Forget about Ted.
I'll buy you a shot later.
- Please just go.
- Easy, weirdo.
Yeah, right.
I'm the weirdo.
I'm open on 4.
Open on 4.
So, glad bags, I was just watching you shopping around the Bench, and I got to wondering what does a pretty young demon like yourself do when she's not shippin' souls off to hell.
Do you take these? Coupons? El diablo not forkin' out the big bucks, huh? Just ring me up so I never have to come back here.
Come on, Gladys.
Don't be such a sourpuss, ok? Listen, hey, I'll load up your car.
We'll go inside, and I'll buy you a smoothie.
What do you say? Hot dog, maybe? Churro.
No? All right.
You're welcome.
Whoa, what are you gonna do, Gladys? You gonna hit me in the middle of the parking lot with all these people watchin'? You don't got the stones.
Not even clo-- Have a nice day.
Season 1, Episode 8 The Cop Dedication, drive, desire and fantastic personal hygiene.
Don't think I didn't notice, Frank Poole.
Get up here and accept your employee of the month award.
Hey, Frankie! Always did smell good.
So it's your birthday in a couple days.
- What do you wanna do? - I don't know.
Why don't we just do somethin' low-key, you know, maybe go to a movie, maybe you guys, Josie, Greg.
As for our next category, dog of the month, for the employee that shows an utter lack of, well everything.
Ok.
Winner, winner, chicken dinner, Theodore.
- I will accept your award with-- - Dog of the month goes to Sam.
- Whoa, what? - What? No, no, no.
I demand a recount, Ted.
I've had that award going on 9 months now in a row.
As dog of the month, your responsibility will be to clean the gum out of the inside of the dumpster.
You are indeed the better man, Sam.
You have earned it.
What the hell? Wine? Only the best for you.
Prost.
Oh, you might wanna take off that rubber, buddy.
- Ok, so what's the catch? - No catch.
This is all for you.
That lobster will melt in your mouth.
There's no way you're being this nice to me.
Hey, I'm not Ted.
What a dick.
Dog of the month? You just put that out of your mind.
You, Sam, are my employee of the month.
- What is that? - Open it.
Ah.
Put it on.
Oh, that looks good, handsome.
This is really nice.
Just a small token of my appreciation.
When you look at it, I hope you can think of me fondly, if you can.
But I'll be happy if you just wear it.
And finally the case file for the next escaped soul.
"Curtis Dean Mays.
" Yeah.
One mean dude, multiple murderer.
The authorities caught him 10 years ago, put a needle in his arm.
But he's back, and he's killing again.
People will say it's the work of a copycat, but it's Mays.
He wants revenge.
You're giving me all this, and there's no catch? Will you please just take it for what it is? My way of making your life a little nicer.
Can you get somebody to clean out the dumpster? When you're ready, sir.
- Press enter.
- No, don't.
Right there.
There.
All right, look, last time she was here, she bought electrical tape and some tarps.
- What are you guys doin'? - Hey.
Oh, Sock's checkin' the computer to see what Gladys buys while she's here.
Oh, enough with Gladys already.
You guys, come on.
No, look, look, look, look, look.
On September 3, she bought twine, a shovel, - and 4 boxes of rat poison.
- So? Well, Sam, a demon doesn't wanna poison rats.
In fact, they're probably one of their 4 major food groups.
Maybe she isn't using the poison on rats.
Maybe it's up to us to figure out what she is using it on.
You guys, Gladys is gonna have to wait, ok? We have more important business right now.
That's a mean-lookin' dude.
I'm sorry, but if you name your kid Curtis Dean Mays, you're beggin' for him to be a killer.
See any birds in these tattoos? I don't think so.
Why? Ah, birdie.
Yeah.
I don't know what it means yet.
I--I don't know what we're lookin' for.
The devil says Mays is out for revenge.
- Against who? - I don't know.
We've got all the names of the people involved in the trial.
We've got defense lawyer, prosecutor, judge.
Maybe one of them can tell us where to start looking.
Remove all metallic items from your pockets, please.
- What is wrong with you? Stop it.
- Ah, this tattoo is so itchy.
Oh, great.
Got another one.
What does it mean? - Bird 6.
- Red--red 6.
Uh, sex bird.
Sexy bird.
Sex--dirty bird.
Dirty, sexy bird.
Please, remove any metallic items from your pockets.
Hey, what's-- what's that? That's Andi's birthday present.
- Wanna see it? - Yeah.
She saw it in the store, and I went back and got it for her.
- Nice, huh? - My god.
- Yep, yep.
- What? Dude, you cannot give that to her.
Yeah.
Yeah, I can.
- Uh, doctor, if you would, please? - Absolutely.
Do not give that to her.
- Why not? - 'Cause it has a diamond on it, Sam.
Yeah, a really small diamond.
Sam, that's a present you would give your wife, ok? You guys, it's stupid.
We're friends.
- I'm giving her a friend present.
- Wife present.
- Shut up.
- Sam, it's something Greg would give her, and you're not her boyfriend.
He is.
- Go ahead.
- I mean, think about it.
You give that to her, you're basically saying you want the relationship to change.
- You sure you wanna do that? - Go ahead.
All right, fine.
- I'll get her something else.
- Thank you.
Do you have any metallic items in your pocket? Let's go.
- Which way? - This way.
Go ahead.
- So, uh, what's your book about? - True crime, sir.
We're writing about Curtis Dean Mays.
Mays.
Nasty piece of work.
Well, good thing we eat nasty for breakfast.
Mays kept the police runnin' around in circles for a long time, always changed his M.
O.
, never used the same weapon twice.
Uh, was there anybody Mays blamed for his conviction? Everyone but himself.
He even attacked his own defense lawyer when the verdict came in.
Funny.
He's dead now.
- The lawyer? - Yeah.
They found his body 2 days ago shot in the head.
Oh, my god.
Do--do you have any leads? Well, I'm not at liberty to discuss any ongoing investigation, but it looks like we might have a copycat killer.
Ooh.
Copyca Hey, Evan.
I've got those briefs for you.
I'm sorry.
I didn't realize that you were in a meeting.
Oh, it's ok.
These guys are writing about Curtis Dean Mays.
Hmm.
What a fascinating subject.
What inspired you to write about him? - We wouldn't want to bore you.
- Could never happen.
I am a huge fan of the true crime genre.
- Who is that? - Surely there were some books that have influenced your work.
Murder, she wrote, the bookversion.
And clue, the board game book.
They made a book.
Oh, god.
Oh, my god.
It's Judge Collins.
Hey, listen to this.
Judge Collins presided over the Curtis Dean Mays murder trial.
Yeah, he killed his lawyer, now the judge.
He's getting revenge against the system - that put him to death.
- And you know who's next, right? Yeah, Franzen.
He's the Prosecutor.
Has that been there the whole time? - All right.
Taser.
- Nice.
Finally.
Somethin' that can do some real damage.
All right, we got franzen's address in the case file.
I say we stake out his house tonight and taser a soul.
Uh, no, no, no.
No can do, Sam.
What? Why? - "Wh-what?" - Yeah? Well, because, Sam.
because--because Ben and I have lives, all right? We have things that need to get done that don't necessarily include following souls around town with you.
Ok? Can you wrap your little head around that? - So you're goin' to Gladys' house.
- That's exactly it.
You have your mission, Sam.
- Maybe this is my mission.
- Your mission is to stalk a demon? Perhaps.
Perhaps it is.
Ok.
Well, we'll talk later.
- Hey, Andi.
- Hey.
- And Greg.
- What's up, Sam? - What happened to your hair? - Uh, nothing.
Oh.
So that's on purpose.
Ok, I'm gonna get back to work, so I guess-- - Yeah.
See ya.
Yeah.
- Heh.
Ok.
- Bye.
- Bye.
Sam, come here.
I need your help.
I'm planning this huge surprise party for Andi at this club a buddy of mine owns.
What I need you to do is pretend your movie thing is still on, but then bring her to the club instead.
You down? Um, Greg, I'm pretty sure she doesn't want a huge party.
Yeah, but this is gonna be awesome.
Yeah, but she said she just wanted things to be low-key.
Look, I just need to know if you're gonna be cool - and help me.
Are you? - Yeah.
Yeah.
I'm--I'm cool.
- Great.
- Great.
- Thanks, buddy.
- No problem.
Buddy.
You know, Gladys' house is pretty normal, actually.
I was thinkin' the exact same thing.
- Give me your cup.
- That's hot chocolate? - Key lime martini.
- Mmm.
Classy.
All the way, baby.
Hello.
Hey, Sammy boy.
How we doin' over there? Yeah, I'm at the District Attorney's house, but it's quiet.
I don't think the soul's comin' after him.
Ok.
Well, whatever.
Did you miss me? More than you'll ever know, sweetheart.
Oh, gotta go.
Gotta go.
What? What are they doin'? - You're a witch! - You see the arm on that guy? - Nice ***, buddy.
- You're a monster! - Get off my lawn! - Ohh.
Oh, get down.
Ohh.
Yeah, you better run, or I'll cook your brains in stew! It's the witch! Monster! Did you hear that? She cooks kids.
- We have got to get in that house.
- Y-yeah.
Pronto.
Who's there? Got ya.
Oh--oh, no.
Uh, listen, I am-- I am so, so sorry.
I--I would never, definitely ne-- I had no idea who you were, sir.
Uh where'd you get this? That was, uh, a gift f-from a friend.
Well, Mr.
Oliver, I'm gonna have to take you in.
C-can't you just let me off with a warning or-- - You assaulted a law enforcement official.
- By accident.
Turn around.
Put your hands behind your back.
O-ok, ok.
- You're not gonna-- - All right.
Thap's a nice watch.
Where'd you get it? Uh, it was also a gift from a friend.
Take it off.
I wanna see it.
Yeah, yeah.
You-- you know what? You can have it I-if you want just as a token of my appreciation or whatever.
It's yours.
It's a great watch.
Don't let me catch you in this neighborhood ever again.
- Ever.
Ever.
- Never again.
You won't.
So he'd get all foamy at the mouth and twitchy when you zapped him? - Not really.
- Too bad.
You probably did it wrong.
He's got the vessel, though.
I gotta figure out a way to get it back.
What should I do? Should drink beer.
It'll help you think.
Wait.
What did you say? - Nothing.
- Tell me.
- I didn't say anything-- - Hey.
Is Greg throwing me a surprise party? No, not that I know of.
- Sam - Yeah? You know me.
- You know I don't want this party.
- I know that.
And as my friend, you are obligated to be honest and answer this question, so I'm gonna ask you one more time.
Is Greg throwing me a surprise party? - Oh, my god.
Sock is on fire.
- Weak.
Man, I can't believe that.
I told Greg I wanted it to be simple.
He's your boyfriend.
He wants it to be special.
Ok, yes, we've been on a few dates, but he hardly qualifies as my boyfriend yet.
- Well, nobody told Greg.
- Well, he doesn't even know me.
He doesn't even try to know me.
You want somebody who pays attention to things.
Yes, and understands me.
Tries.
Knows what you like and what you don't like.
- Exactly.
- Like Sam.
No.
I mean, you know what? No.
No, because me and Sam are friends, Jo, and I've done that before.
I've dated somebody who I was friends with, and then we broke up, and we never spoke again.
It sucks.
But if Sam and I weren't friends, I really don't know what I would do.
You don't know that that would happen.
Right.
I don't know that.
But I know that you and Sock used to be friends.
Are you now? No, we're not.
Well, there you go.
Ok, she's at work.
DMV closes at 5:00, so we have until then to commit yet another felony.
- Kind of gets you pumped, right? - Yes, it does.
Let's do a little biz-nas.
- Man.
Come on.
- I'm sorry.
Sorry.
Did not expect this.
Jeez.
You think all demons decorate like this? Check this out.
Why would a demon be into angel figurines? It's like a cat bangin' a dog.
Oh, Ben! That's not funny.
It's flowers.
No.
No, no, no, no.
There's gotta be somethin' else.
- I'm-- - Soc-- No, Gladys is a freaky hell demon, all right? There's gotta be somethin' else, like a--like body parts buried below or some - I'm tellin' you.
- Get out of here! Go! Come on! Come on! - Get out of here! - Come on! Oh, god.
Benji, get the keys! Get the keys! Get the keys! Ohh! Ok! I can't-- - Open the car.
Open the car, Ben! - Hey, I can't think under pressure.
Get out of my way! Ok, it's open.
Oh, my god.
You come out of there, you rotten little pukes! - Get away from us, you monster! - I am not a monster! This is my mom's car! Come on! Get out! Cowards! It was the--it was them.
They were in my house.
Where the hell have you been? Oh.
You missed me.
I'm touched.
- Yeah, I almost got arrested.
- I know.
Cop took the vessel.
A-and the watch.
- What is that about? - Well, I imagine he recognized it.
What do you mean? Well, it used to belong to Curtis Dean Mays' Defense Attorney.
The Defense Attorney who Mays just killed? You gave me a dead guy's watch? No, specifically I gave you a dead murder victim's watch, and I imagine the good detective is checking it out right now as we speak.
He's gonna think I killed that guy.
Probably.
Then when he checks the courthouse surveillance video, he's gonna see you were there when Judge Collins was murdered.
Well, I guess you see where this is goin'.
Oh, my g--I-I'm gonna-- I'm gonna go to prison! - Yeah.
That's messed up.
- What--I can't believe this.
- I can't-- - You know, you're frustrated.
You need an outlet.
- Hit me.
- What? Come on.
Go all barry bonds on my ass.
- It'll make you feel better.
- Shut up! Opportunity of a lifetime, pal.
It's going.
5, 4, 3-- It's all you got? Come on! - Feel better? - I hate you so much.
Well, you know I gotta say it was very classy of you not to go for the crotch.
- Ted, what happened? - Well, my little felon, the police stopped by, and they were asking questions about you.
They wanted to search your locker, and of course I gave them full access.
Um, Ted, you have the combination.
- Why didn't you just open it for them? - Do not question my methods, Sam.
A Detective Stafford would like you to come in for questioning.
You take off the apron.
I will not have you doin' a perp walk wh1ile wearin' the blue.
Fix that when it's done.
- What's this? - A book.
Um, Sock, reading gives you migraines.
I know, I know, but I could not get those angel figurines out of my head.
I had to figure out why Gladys was so into them.
Check this out.
Did you know that Satan used to be an angel named Lucifer? Yeah.
One day, he rounded up all these badass rebel angels, right, and declared a war on god.
Yeah, I remember this in Sunday school.
Every demon used to be an angel.
Ok, you're Gladys, all right? You're an angel.
You're just chillin' up in heaven.
One day, you decide to back the wrong dude, and, boom, you spend the rest of eternity in hell.
- But, Sock, she's pure evil.
- How do we know that? How do we know that?! I think that you would be pretty pissed off if you had a bunch apof crappy little kids teasin' you all day.
Ok? Listen--all right.
I'm gonna tell you something, ok? In the second grade I was this height.
All the kids decided to call me Growth Spurt Bert or Bert the Spurt, Beanstalk Bert, Bert the Beansock, Sock the Beanstalk.
Are you--you following my drift here? Then my mom, my mom decided that was funny, and then eventually my whole family at the dinner table started calling me - Names hurt, Ben, a lot.
- Hey, listen to me.
I think you grew into your body really nicely.
Thank you.
Guys, I need your help.
All right, we gotta go to my house so I can pick up one of my sport coats.
- Uh, you don't own a sport coat.
- We gotta go to your dad's house so I can pick up one of his sport coats.
Don't you worry, all right? I've talked myself out of many, many drunk-and-disorderlies.
- Not a problem.
- Sam! - Hang on.
- For Greg? Hey.
Get in.
What's up? You told Andi about the surprise party? Uh, she kind of guessed, Greg.
I-I'm sorry.
Ok, new plan.
We do nothing for her birthday, totally blow it off, but then I'll do the surprise party the day after.
That's completely stupid.
So she's alone on her birthday? Let's just do what she wants to do-- go to a movie, get a beer.
She'll like that.
- You just call me stupid? - No.
No.
No! I called your idea stupid.
I'm trying to help you, ok? - Did I ask for your help? - Yes! I know what you're doin'.
You're tryin' to make me look bad in front of Andi.
No, Greg.
You're doin' that all on your own.
- Get out of my car.
- What the hell, man? - Don't push me.
- What are you-- What, are they making out? Oh.
Oh, boy.
No, no.
Hey.
All right, break it up, ladies.
Break it up.
Come on.
All right, break it up, ladies.
Come on.
Come on.
Aw, I'm bleeding.
- You all right? - Yeah.
Yeah, yeah! No, I'm great! I just punched Andi's boyfriend in the face.
I'm perfect.
Let's go get arrested.
Who's this? Uh, th-this is my-- All questions for my client should be directed at myself, detective.
Have a seat.
I'm gonna give you 10 seconds to get out of here before I beat your face with a phone book.
I'm gonna make this real simple, Mr.
Oliver.
You were found in possession of a watch that belonged to a murder victim, you trespassed on the property of the Prosecutor in the Mays case, and you were in the courthouse when Judge Collins was murdered.
Are you bleeding? Uh, no.
That's not my blood.
I didn't do it.
I--I didn't do it, all right?! I swear I didn't do it, ok?! Come on! All right? Come on! You-- All right, you can come out now! Ok?! Joke's over! It's really funny! Hey, hey, take it easy.
Take it easy! You gotta--let me out! All right?! Just come on! Just-- Who are you talkin' to? You wanna know who I'm talkin' to, detective? I'm talkin' to the devil, all right? Yeah.
Yeah.
You might think I'm crazy, which, you know, maybe I am.
Is that what you're tryin' to do, make him think that I'm nuts, huh?! Well, I'm not nuts, ok?! I-I'm--ohh! - How'd you get my address? - What? This! This! 613 Cardinal Drive.
It's my address.
- How'd you get it? - There's a 3 now? - Answer me! - I don't know.
These things just pop up, ok? I-it's supposed to give me a clue to who the killer is, all right? That's wh-- Maybe that's where he's going to next.
All right? - That gun is not gonna work.
- Is that so? I need my taser back.
It's the only thing that'll stop him.
- Stop who? - Mays.
No, Mays is dead.
I arrested the son of a bitch myself and witnessed his execution.
Yeah, well, he's back, and he's killing people who put him away.
That includes you.
And bullets aren't gonna do anything to him.
Bullets work on you? Uh, yeah, yeah.
They--they--completely.
- They totally work on me.
- Good.
Well, we'll see if you're right.
Wait.
Wh-what are you gonna do? Wait.
Mays shows up, you're in the clear.
You want a scotch? Hi.
Hi.
Hello.
It's me, Sock.
I just wanted to say that I'm-- I'm sorry that I called you a monster.
Yeah.
A-and I'm sorry I didn't consider your feelings before I opened my big, stupid mouth.
You know, I--I really-- I really hate the way the neighborhood kids tease you all the time.
Well, it's my fault, too.
Sometimes I rub people the wrong way.
Oh.
Thank you.
I bet you, um dread when my boys and I come struttin' into your DMV, huh? Well, I have to say, um Actually it's kind of the high point of my day.
- Get out.
- It is.
I knew it.
I-- you know what? I did.
In some weird way, I knew that.
I like it when you mess around.
Kind of feels like you're flirting with me.
Well, that's just my natural Sock aura, know what I mean? Chicks respond to it.
Would you like some more coffee? Mmm, no.
Actually, I'm good.
Thank you.
You have a pretty mouth.
This thing? I'd like to kiss it.
I'd like that, too.
Oh, boy.
Here we go.
- Watch your horns.
- Ok.
Wow.
You're famous.
That was back in my heyday, a long time ago.
They forget about you pretty fast.
What happened? The collars stopped coming.
I'm hoping to change that tonight.
Unless of course it's the ghost of Mays.
Then I guess I'm just out of luck.
I know you don't believe me, but I'm not crazy.
Things I've seen over the years, I guess anything's possible.
Listen, if you try to shoot this guy, you're gonna get killed, and then I'm gonna get killed.
I need that taser.
It's the only way.
It's in my car.
Come on.
Really, when Mays comes, you're gonna want that taser.
Whatever you say.
I'll get it out, but I'm holding on to it.
You understand? Oh, that's right.
I put your taser in the glove box.
Mays? Hey, detective.
Miss me? Look out! Mays Yeah, Stafford.
We're gonna have some fun.
No.
All right, listen.
I'm gonna call an ambulance for you, but then I gotta go, because I think it's better if I just stay out of this, all right? Hang up the phone.
All right.
All right, there.
There.
What? Wh-- You seem like a nice kid, but I need this collar.
See, one more, and I can retire a hero.
Wh--you got him.
You--you caught the guy.
No! I need this collar.
And I can't tell them that the killer's an escaped soul from hell, - so it's gotta be you.
- Come on.
I know the devil sent you.
- What did you say? - I'm so sorry.
What the hell? No.
No! No! Boy, talk about good timing, right? Oh, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, D-Dan.
Such a disappointment.
And the rug is a real Persian.
What the hell just happened? Well, tomorrow the papers will say Detective Stafford ate his gun due to his overwhelming guilt over being the Curtis Dean Mays copycat killer.
So ironic.
And then of course they'll find this little bit of evidence and of course his written confession upstairs.
Wrote that myself.
What do you think? Quoting Hamlet too cliched? Nah.
He'd totally do that.
W-w-wait.
Why? Why?! My toy, Sam.
I'm allowed to break it.
He was mine.
He came to me 20 years ago and sold his soul.
He wanted to be super cop, so I promised him 5 high-profile, very important cases in exchange for his soul, and this was the fifth case.
- What was? - Stafford.
He just caught himself.
It's kind of sneaky, I admit.
But I've fulfilled my end of the contract, and now he has fulfilled his.
You know what I could go for? Bloomin' onion.
You in? You know I can see you.
What are you doing? I--uh, I-- Listen, Andi, I need to apologize for the whole bloody-nose Greg thing.
- I--I was a total jerk.
I had-- -- We broke up.
- What? - Yep.
- Why? - 'Cause I realized we weren't right for each other.
And you punched Greg in the nose? It was-- we kind of got into a fight in his car, more like a slap fight.
It Ok.
I'm--I'm really, really sorry.
That's fine.
I'm ok, actually.
God, what a weird birthday, though.
You know, I probably should have waited for Greg to give me my present first, huh? Happy birthday.
Sam.
It's ok if you don't like it.
I just--I really wanted to get it for you, and I-- Hopefully you'll like it.
It's really beautiful.
You like it.
Great.
Perfect.
I can't accept this.
Wh-what? Wh-why? I just--I--I can't, because we're friends, and that's not something that a friend wears.
Well, then don't wear it as a friend.
You're like the most important person in my life.
God, I'm sorry.
You guys called it.
You were totally right.
I should've never given her that necklace.
- I hate seeing you like this.
- I hate being right all the time, - but I am.
- Thanks, Sock.
Place the vessel on the mat.
- Hi, Sock.
- Hmm? Hi.
Yep.
Had any good dreams lately? You did that? - On purpose.
- Was it good for you? - Now, what's goin' on? - Take me home, Sam.
- I-I'll take care of it.
- Hey, hold on.
What if it's a replacement watch? Doesn't matter.
There's no way I'm opening this.
Accepting gifts from the devil is suicide.
Yeah, but what if it's something really cool? I don't care if it's a box full of world peace.
It's still gonna come back and bite me in the ass.
- I'm bored.
Let's open it.
- Sock, wait! No! Just-- - Sam! - Just give it-- A "get out of hell free" card? - Whoa.
You think it's real? - Of course not.
It's from the devil.
It's gotta be a trick.
- Right.
Yeah.
Yeah.
- Yeah.
I'm breakin'.
I'm breakin'.
Yeah, maybe we should throw it away.
Whoa, whoa.
Hold up.
Hold up.
What? We have got a very special guest at the Bench today.
Is that Gladys from the DMW? This is too weird.
There's a demon buying paper towels.
Oh, my brain is itchy.
Wh-wh-wh-wh-what, do demons live just like regular people? I mean, do they sleep? Do they eat? Apparently they go to the bathroom.
A lot.
I've got so many more questions.
I need answers.
Sock.
Sock, don't do anything stupid.
Sam, I am almost certainly going to do something stupid.
It's in my blood.
You know that.
- Andi.
Andi! - What? I think I lost something in this register.
No, what do you mean? Ted said that I gotta-- Forget about Ted.
I'll buy you a shot later.
- Please just go.
- Easy, weirdo.
Yeah, right.
I'm the weirdo.
I'm open on 4.
Open on 4.
So, glad bags, I was just watching you shopping around the Bench, and I got to wondering what does a pretty young demon like yourself do when she's not shippin' souls off to hell.
Do you take these? Coupons? El diablo not forkin' out the big bucks, huh? Just ring me up so I never have to come back here.
Come on, Gladys.
Don't be such a sourpuss, ok? Listen, hey, I'll load up your car.
We'll go inside, and I'll buy you a smoothie.
What do you say? Hot dog, maybe? Churro.
No? All right.
You're welcome.
Whoa, what are you gonna do, Gladys? You gonna hit me in the middle of the parking lot with all these people watchin'? You don't got the stones.
Not even clo-- Have a nice day.
Season 1, Episode 8 The Cop Dedication, drive, desire and fantastic personal hygiene.
Don't think I didn't notice, Frank Poole.
Get up here and accept your employee of the month award.
Hey, Frankie! Always did smell good.
So it's your birthday in a couple days.
- What do you wanna do? - I don't know.
Why don't we just do somethin' low-key, you know, maybe go to a movie, maybe you guys, Josie, Greg.
As for our next category, dog of the month, for the employee that shows an utter lack of, well everything.
Ok.
Winner, winner, chicken dinner, Theodore.
- I will accept your award with-- - Dog of the month goes to Sam.
- Whoa, what? - What? No, no, no.
I demand a recount, Ted.
I've had that award going on 9 months now in a row.
As dog of the month, your responsibility will be to clean the gum out of the inside of the dumpster.
You are indeed the better man, Sam.
You have earned it.
What the hell? Wine? Only the best for you.
Prost.
Oh, you might wanna take off that rubber, buddy.
- Ok, so what's the catch? - No catch.
This is all for you.
That lobster will melt in your mouth.
There's no way you're being this nice to me.
Hey, I'm not Ted.
What a dick.
Dog of the month? You just put that out of your mind.
You, Sam, are my employee of the month.
- What is that? - Open it.
Ah.
Put it on.
Oh, that looks good, handsome.
This is really nice.
Just a small token of my appreciation.
When you look at it, I hope you can think of me fondly, if you can.
But I'll be happy if you just wear it.
And finally the case file for the next escaped soul.
"Curtis Dean Mays.
" Yeah.
One mean dude, multiple murderer.
The authorities caught him 10 years ago, put a needle in his arm.
But he's back, and he's killing again.
People will say it's the work of a copycat, but it's Mays.
He wants revenge.
You're giving me all this, and there's no catch? Will you please just take it for what it is? My way of making your life a little nicer.
Can you get somebody to clean out the dumpster? When you're ready, sir.
- Press enter.
- No, don't.
Right there.
There.
All right, look, last time she was here, she bought electrical tape and some tarps.
- What are you guys doin'? - Hey.
Oh, Sock's checkin' the computer to see what Gladys buys while she's here.
Oh, enough with Gladys already.
You guys, come on.
No, look, look, look, look, look.
On September 3, she bought twine, a shovel, - and 4 boxes of rat poison.
- So? Well, Sam, a demon doesn't wanna poison rats.
In fact, they're probably one of their 4 major food groups.
Maybe she isn't using the poison on rats.
Maybe it's up to us to figure out what she is using it on.
You guys, Gladys is gonna have to wait, ok? We have more important business right now.
That's a mean-lookin' dude.
I'm sorry, but if you name your kid Curtis Dean Mays, you're beggin' for him to be a killer.
See any birds in these tattoos? I don't think so.
Why? Ah, birdie.
Yeah.
I don't know what it means yet.
I--I don't know what we're lookin' for.
The devil says Mays is out for revenge.
- Against who? - I don't know.
We've got all the names of the people involved in the trial.
We've got defense lawyer, prosecutor, judge.
Maybe one of them can tell us where to start looking.
Remove all metallic items from your pockets, please.
- What is wrong with you? Stop it.
- Ah, this tattoo is so itchy.
Oh, great.
Got another one.
What does it mean? - Bird 6.
- Red--red 6.
Uh, sex bird.
Sexy bird.
Sex--dirty bird.
Dirty, sexy bird.
Please, remove any metallic items from your pockets.
Hey, what's-- what's that? That's Andi's birthday present.
- Wanna see it? - Yeah.
She saw it in the store, and I went back and got it for her.
- Nice, huh? - My god.
- Yep, yep.
- What? Dude, you cannot give that to her.
Yeah.
Yeah, I can.
- Uh, doctor, if you would, please? - Absolutely.
Do not give that to her.
- Why not? - 'Cause it has a diamond on it, Sam.
Yeah, a really small diamond.
Sam, that's a present you would give your wife, ok? You guys, it's stupid.
We're friends.
- I'm giving her a friend present.
- Wife present.
- Shut up.
- Sam, it's something Greg would give her, and you're not her boyfriend.
He is.
- Go ahead.
- I mean, think about it.
You give that to her, you're basically saying you want the relationship to change.
- You sure you wanna do that? - Go ahead.
All right, fine.
- I'll get her something else.
- Thank you.
Do you have any metallic items in your pocket? Let's go.
- Which way? - This way.
Go ahead.
- So, uh, what's your book about? - True crime, sir.
We're writing about Curtis Dean Mays.
Mays.
Nasty piece of work.
Well, good thing we eat nasty for breakfast.
Mays kept the police runnin' around in circles for a long time, always changed his M.
O.
, never used the same weapon twice.
Uh, was there anybody Mays blamed for his conviction? Everyone but himself.
He even attacked his own defense lawyer when the verdict came in.
Funny.
He's dead now.
- The lawyer? - Yeah.
They found his body 2 days ago shot in the head.
Oh, my god.
Do--do you have any leads? Well, I'm not at liberty to discuss any ongoing investigation, but it looks like we might have a copycat killer.
Ooh.
Copyca Hey, Evan.
I've got those briefs for you.
I'm sorry.
I didn't realize that you were in a meeting.
Oh, it's ok.
These guys are writing about Curtis Dean Mays.
Hmm.
What a fascinating subject.
What inspired you to write about him? - We wouldn't want to bore you.
- Could never happen.
I am a huge fan of the true crime genre.
- Who is that? - Surely there were some books that have influenced your work.
Murder, she wrote, the bookversion.
And clue, the board game book.
They made a book.
Oh, god.
Oh, my god.
It's Judge Collins.
Hey, listen to this.
Judge Collins presided over the Curtis Dean Mays murder trial.
Yeah, he killed his lawyer, now the judge.
He's getting revenge against the system - that put him to death.
- And you know who's next, right? Yeah, Franzen.
He's the Prosecutor.
Has that been there the whole time? - All right.
Taser.
- Nice.
Finally.
Somethin' that can do some real damage.
All right, we got franzen's address in the case file.
I say we stake out his house tonight and taser a soul.
Uh, no, no, no.
No can do, Sam.
What? Why? - "Wh-what?" - Yeah? Well, because, Sam.
because--because Ben and I have lives, all right? We have things that need to get done that don't necessarily include following souls around town with you.
Ok? Can you wrap your little head around that? - So you're goin' to Gladys' house.
- That's exactly it.
You have your mission, Sam.
- Maybe this is my mission.
- Your mission is to stalk a demon? Perhaps.
Perhaps it is.
Ok.
Well, we'll talk later.
- Hey, Andi.
- Hey.
- And Greg.
- What's up, Sam? - What happened to your hair? - Uh, nothing.
Oh.
So that's on purpose.
Ok, I'm gonna get back to work, so I guess-- - Yeah.
See ya.
Yeah.
- Heh.
Ok.
- Bye.
- Bye.
Sam, come here.
I need your help.
I'm planning this huge surprise party for Andi at this club a buddy of mine owns.
What I need you to do is pretend your movie thing is still on, but then bring her to the club instead.
You down? Um, Greg, I'm pretty sure she doesn't want a huge party.
Yeah, but this is gonna be awesome.
Yeah, but she said she just wanted things to be low-key.
Look, I just need to know if you're gonna be cool - and help me.
Are you? - Yeah.
Yeah.
I'm--I'm cool.
- Great.
- Great.
- Thanks, buddy.
- No problem.
Buddy.
You know, Gladys' house is pretty normal, actually.
I was thinkin' the exact same thing.
- Give me your cup.
- That's hot chocolate? - Key lime martini.
- Mmm.
Classy.
All the way, baby.
Hello.
Hey, Sammy boy.
How we doin' over there? Yeah, I'm at the District Attorney's house, but it's quiet.
I don't think the soul's comin' after him.
Ok.
Well, whatever.
Did you miss me? More than you'll ever know, sweetheart.
Oh, gotta go.
Gotta go.
What? What are they doin'? - You're a witch! - You see the arm on that guy? - Nice ***, buddy.
- You're a monster! - Get off my lawn! - Ohh.
Oh, get down.
Ohh.
Yeah, you better run, or I'll cook your brains in stew! It's the witch! Monster! Did you hear that? She cooks kids.
- We have got to get in that house.
- Y-yeah.
Pronto.
Who's there? Got ya.
Oh--oh, no.
Uh, listen, I am-- I am so, so sorry.
I--I would never, definitely ne-- I had no idea who you were, sir.
Uh where'd you get this? That was, uh, a gift f-from a friend.
Well, Mr.
Oliver, I'm gonna have to take you in.
C-can't you just let me off with a warning or-- - You assaulted a law enforcement official.
- By accident.
Turn around.
Put your hands behind your back.
O-ok, ok.
- You're not gonna-- - All right.
Thap's a nice watch.
Where'd you get it? Uh, it was also a gift from a friend.
Take it off.
I wanna see it.
Yeah, yeah.
You-- you know what? You can have it I-if you want just as a token of my appreciation or whatever.
It's yours.
It's a great watch.
Don't let me catch you in this neighborhood ever again.
- Ever.
Ever.
- Never again.
You won't.
So he'd get all foamy at the mouth and twitchy when you zapped him? - Not really.
- Too bad.
You probably did it wrong.
He's got the vessel, though.
I gotta figure out a way to get it back.
What should I do? Should drink beer.
It'll help you think.
Wait.
What did you say? - Nothing.
- Tell me.
- I didn't say anything-- - Hey.
Is Greg throwing me a surprise party? No, not that I know of.
- Sam - Yeah? You know me.
- You know I don't want this party.
- I know that.
And as my friend, you are obligated to be honest and answer this question, so I'm gonna ask you one more time.
Is Greg throwing me a surprise party? - Oh, my god.
Sock is on fire.
- Weak.
Man, I can't believe that.
I told Greg I wanted it to be simple.
He's your boyfriend.
He wants it to be special.
Ok, yes, we've been on a few dates, but he hardly qualifies as my boyfriend yet.
- Well, nobody told Greg.
- Well, he doesn't even know me.
He doesn't even try to know me.
You want somebody who pays attention to things.
Yes, and understands me.
Tries.
Knows what you like and what you don't like.
- Exactly.
- Like Sam.
No.
I mean, you know what? No.
No, because me and Sam are friends, Jo, and I've done that before.
I've dated somebody who I was friends with, and then we broke up, and we never spoke again.
It sucks.
But if Sam and I weren't friends, I really don't know what I would do.
You don't know that that would happen.
Right.
I don't know that.
But I know that you and Sock used to be friends.
Are you now? No, we're not.
Well, there you go.
Ok, she's at work.
DMV closes at 5:00, so we have until then to commit yet another felony.
- Kind of gets you pumped, right? - Yes, it does.
Let's do a little biz-nas.
- Man.
Come on.
- I'm sorry.
Sorry.
Did not expect this.
Jeez.
You think all demons decorate like this? Check this out.
Why would a demon be into angel figurines? It's like a cat bangin' a dog.
Oh, Ben! That's not funny.
It's flowers.
No.
No, no, no, no.
There's gotta be somethin' else.
- I'm-- - Soc-- No, Gladys is a freaky hell demon, all right? There's gotta be somethin' else, like a--like body parts buried below or some - I'm tellin' you.
- Get out of here! Go! Come on! Come on! - Get out of here! - Come on! Oh, god.
Benji, get the keys! Get the keys! Get the keys! Ohh! Ok! I can't-- - Open the car.
Open the car, Ben! - Hey, I can't think under pressure.
Get out of my way! Ok, it's open.
Oh, my god.
You come out of there, you rotten little pukes! - Get away from us, you monster! - I am not a monster! This is my mom's car! Come on! Get out! Cowards! It was the--it was them.
They were in my house.
Where the hell have you been? Oh.
You missed me.
I'm touched.
- Yeah, I almost got arrested.
- I know.
Cop took the vessel.
A-and the watch.
- What is that about? - Well, I imagine he recognized it.
What do you mean? Well, it used to belong to Curtis Dean Mays' Defense Attorney.
The Defense Attorney who Mays just killed? You gave me a dead guy's watch? No, specifically I gave you a dead murder victim's watch, and I imagine the good detective is checking it out right now as we speak.
He's gonna think I killed that guy.
Probably.
Then when he checks the courthouse surveillance video, he's gonna see you were there when Judge Collins was murdered.
Well, I guess you see where this is goin'.
Oh, my g--I-I'm gonna-- I'm gonna go to prison! - Yeah.
That's messed up.
- What--I can't believe this.
- I can't-- - You know, you're frustrated.
You need an outlet.
- Hit me.
- What? Come on.
Go all barry bonds on my ass.
- It'll make you feel better.
- Shut up! Opportunity of a lifetime, pal.
It's going.
5, 4, 3-- It's all you got? Come on! - Feel better? - I hate you so much.
Well, you know I gotta say it was very classy of you not to go for the crotch.
- Ted, what happened? - Well, my little felon, the police stopped by, and they were asking questions about you.
They wanted to search your locker, and of course I gave them full access.
Um, Ted, you have the combination.
- Why didn't you just open it for them? - Do not question my methods, Sam.
A Detective Stafford would like you to come in for questioning.
You take off the apron.
I will not have you doin' a perp walk wh1ile wearin' the blue.
Fix that when it's done.
- What's this? - A book.
Um, Sock, reading gives you migraines.
I know, I know, but I could not get those angel figurines out of my head.
I had to figure out why Gladys was so into them.
Check this out.
Did you know that Satan used to be an angel named Lucifer? Yeah.
One day, he rounded up all these badass rebel angels, right, and declared a war on god.
Yeah, I remember this in Sunday school.
Every demon used to be an angel.
Ok, you're Gladys, all right? You're an angel.
You're just chillin' up in heaven.
One day, you decide to back the wrong dude, and, boom, you spend the rest of eternity in hell.
- But, Sock, she's pure evil.
- How do we know that? How do we know that?! I think that you would be pretty pissed off if you had a bunch apof crappy little kids teasin' you all day.
Ok? Listen--all right.
I'm gonna tell you something, ok? In the second grade I was this height.
All the kids decided to call me Growth Spurt Bert or Bert the Spurt, Beanstalk Bert, Bert the Beansock, Sock the Beanstalk.
Are you--you following my drift here? Then my mom, my mom decided that was funny, and then eventually my whole family at the dinner table started calling me - Names hurt, Ben, a lot.
- Hey, listen to me.
I think you grew into your body really nicely.
Thank you.
Guys, I need your help.
All right, we gotta go to my house so I can pick up one of my sport coats.
- Uh, you don't own a sport coat.
- We gotta go to your dad's house so I can pick up one of his sport coats.
Don't you worry, all right? I've talked myself out of many, many drunk-and-disorderlies.
- Not a problem.
- Sam! - Hang on.
- For Greg? Hey.
Get in.
What's up? You told Andi about the surprise party? Uh, she kind of guessed, Greg.
I-I'm sorry.
Ok, new plan.
We do nothing for her birthday, totally blow it off, but then I'll do the surprise party the day after.
That's completely stupid.
So she's alone on her birthday? Let's just do what she wants to do-- go to a movie, get a beer.
She'll like that.
- You just call me stupid? - No.
No.
No! I called your idea stupid.
I'm trying to help you, ok? - Did I ask for your help? - Yes! I know what you're doin'.
You're tryin' to make me look bad in front of Andi.
No, Greg.
You're doin' that all on your own.
- Get out of my car.
- What the hell, man? - Don't push me.
- What are you-- What, are they making out? Oh.
Oh, boy.
No, no.
Hey.
All right, break it up, ladies.
Break it up.
Come on.
All right, break it up, ladies.
Come on.
Come on.
Aw, I'm bleeding.
- You all right? - Yeah.
Yeah, yeah! No, I'm great! I just punched Andi's boyfriend in the face.
I'm perfect.
Let's go get arrested.
Who's this? Uh, th-this is my-- All questions for my client should be directed at myself, detective.
Have a seat.
I'm gonna give you 10 seconds to get out of here before I beat your face with a phone book.
I'm gonna make this real simple, Mr.
Oliver.
You were found in possession of a watch that belonged to a murder victim, you trespassed on the property of the Prosecutor in the Mays case, and you were in the courthouse when Judge Collins was murdered.
Are you bleeding? Uh, no.
That's not my blood.
I didn't do it.
I--I didn't do it, all right?! I swear I didn't do it, ok?! Come on! All right? Come on! You-- All right, you can come out now! Ok?! Joke's over! It's really funny! Hey, hey, take it easy.
Take it easy! You gotta--let me out! All right?! Just come on! Just-- Who are you talkin' to? You wanna know who I'm talkin' to, detective? I'm talkin' to the devil, all right? Yeah.
Yeah.
You might think I'm crazy, which, you know, maybe I am.
Is that what you're tryin' to do, make him think that I'm nuts, huh?! Well, I'm not nuts, ok?! I-I'm--ohh! - How'd you get my address? - What? This! This! 613 Cardinal Drive.
It's my address.
- How'd you get it? - There's a 3 now? - Answer me! - I don't know.
These things just pop up, ok? I-it's supposed to give me a clue to who the killer is, all right? That's wh-- Maybe that's where he's going to next.
All right? - That gun is not gonna work.
- Is that so? I need my taser back.
It's the only thing that'll stop him.
- Stop who? - Mays.
No, Mays is dead.
I arrested the son of a bitch myself and witnessed his execution.
Yeah, well, he's back, and he's killing people who put him away.
That includes you.
And bullets aren't gonna do anything to him.
Bullets work on you? Uh, yeah, yeah.
They--they--completely.
- They totally work on me.
- Good.
Well, we'll see if you're right.
Wait.
Wh-what are you gonna do? Wait.
Mays shows up, you're in the clear.
You want a scotch? Hi.
Hi.
Hello.
It's me, Sock.
I just wanted to say that I'm-- I'm sorry that I called you a monster.
Yeah.
A-and I'm sorry I didn't consider your feelings before I opened my big, stupid mouth.
You know, I--I really-- I really hate the way the neighborhood kids tease you all the time.
Well, it's my fault, too.
Sometimes I rub people the wrong way.
Oh.
Thank you.
I bet you, um dread when my boys and I come struttin' into your DMV, huh? Well, I have to say, um Actually it's kind of the high point of my day.
- Get out.
- It is.
I knew it.
I-- you know what? I did.
In some weird way, I knew that.
I like it when you mess around.
Kind of feels like you're flirting with me.
Well, that's just my natural Sock aura, know what I mean? Chicks respond to it.
Would you like some more coffee? Mmm, no.
Actually, I'm good.
Thank you.
You have a pretty mouth.
This thing? I'd like to kiss it.
I'd like that, too.
Oh, boy.
Here we go.
- Watch your horns.
- Ok.
Wow.
You're famous.
That was back in my heyday, a long time ago.
They forget about you pretty fast.
What happened? The collars stopped coming.
I'm hoping to change that tonight.
Unless of course it's the ghost of Mays.
Then I guess I'm just out of luck.
I know you don't believe me, but I'm not crazy.
Things I've seen over the years, I guess anything's possible.
Listen, if you try to shoot this guy, you're gonna get killed, and then I'm gonna get killed.
I need that taser.
It's the only way.
It's in my car.
Come on.
Really, when Mays comes, you're gonna want that taser.
Whatever you say.
I'll get it out, but I'm holding on to it.
You understand? Oh, that's right.
I put your taser in the glove box.
Mays? Hey, detective.
Miss me? Look out! Mays Yeah, Stafford.
We're gonna have some fun.
No.
All right, listen.
I'm gonna call an ambulance for you, but then I gotta go, because I think it's better if I just stay out of this, all right? Hang up the phone.
All right.
All right, there.
There.
What? Wh-- You seem like a nice kid, but I need this collar.
See, one more, and I can retire a hero.
Wh--you got him.
You--you caught the guy.
No! I need this collar.
And I can't tell them that the killer's an escaped soul from hell, - so it's gotta be you.
- Come on.
I know the devil sent you.
- What did you say? - I'm so sorry.
What the hell? No.
No! No! Boy, talk about good timing, right? Oh, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, D-Dan.
Such a disappointment.
And the rug is a real Persian.
What the hell just happened? Well, tomorrow the papers will say Detective Stafford ate his gun due to his overwhelming guilt over being the Curtis Dean Mays copycat killer.
So ironic.
And then of course they'll find this little bit of evidence and of course his written confession upstairs.
Wrote that myself.
What do you think? Quoting Hamlet too cliched? Nah.
He'd totally do that.
W-w-wait.
Why? Why?! My toy, Sam.
I'm allowed to break it.
He was mine.
He came to me 20 years ago and sold his soul.
He wanted to be super cop, so I promised him 5 high-profile, very important cases in exchange for his soul, and this was the fifth case.
- What was? - Stafford.
He just caught himself.
It's kind of sneaky, I admit.
But I've fulfilled my end of the contract, and now he has fulfilled his.
You know what I could go for? Bloomin' onion.
You in? You know I can see you.
What are you doing? I--uh, I-- Listen, Andi, I need to apologize for the whole bloody-nose Greg thing.
- I--I was a total jerk.
I had-- -- We broke up.
- What? - Yep.
- Why? - 'Cause I realized we weren't right for each other.
And you punched Greg in the nose? It was-- we kind of got into a fight in his car, more like a slap fight.
It Ok.
I'm--I'm really, really sorry.
That's fine.
I'm ok, actually.
God, what a weird birthday, though.
You know, I probably should have waited for Greg to give me my present first, huh? Happy birthday.
Sam.
It's ok if you don't like it.
I just--I really wanted to get it for you, and I-- Hopefully you'll like it.
It's really beautiful.
You like it.
Great.
Perfect.
I can't accept this.
Wh-what? Wh-why? I just--I--I can't, because we're friends, and that's not something that a friend wears.
Well, then don't wear it as a friend.
You're like the most important person in my life.
God, I'm sorry.
You guys called it.
You were totally right.
I should've never given her that necklace.
- I hate seeing you like this.
- I hate being right all the time, - but I am.
- Thanks, Sock.
Place the vessel on the mat.
- Hi, Sock.
- Hmm? Hi.
Yep.
Had any good dreams lately? You did that? - On purpose.
- Was it good for you? - Now, what's goin' on? - Take me home, Sam.
- I-I'll take care of it.
- Hey, hold on.
What if it's a replacement watch? Doesn't matter.
There's no way I'm opening this.
Accepting gifts from the devil is suicide.
Yeah, but what if it's something really cool? I don't care if it's a box full of world peace.
It's still gonna come back and bite me in the ass.
- I'm bored.
Let's open it.
- Sock, wait! No! Just-- - Sam! - Just give it-- A "get out of hell free" card? - Whoa.
You think it's real? - Of course not.
It's from the devil.
It's gotta be a trick.
- Right.
Yeah.
Yeah.
- Yeah.
I'm breakin'.
I'm breakin'.