Rel (2018) s01e08 Episode Script

1 Wayne Booker here on "Blizzard Watch," and I'm watching, but, uh, I don't see a blizzard.
It's, uh, it's just cold out here.
(CHUCKLES) You know, uh, I know this parka looks warm, but it ain't.
It just seems like every time it's bad weather, I get the assignment.
When the Cubs won the World Series, did they call me? No.
No, no, no.
I didn't get to go to the locker room, have Bill Murray pour champagne on me.
That didn't happen for me.
No.
It was Chuck and Cathy, as usual.
But you know something, Chicago, want to know a secret? Chuck watches porn on his phone during commercial breaks.
Yeah, that's right.
And Cathy doesn't vote.
Did you know that obese tickling is a genre of porn? Guess who does? Chuck! Back to you.
This how we do it in the Chi On the West Side Where we always keep it tippin' Man, that ain't no lie a Oh, oh, oh.
Rel is taped in front of a live studio audience.
Ho, ho! Street Fighter's one of the best video games of all time.
And I've been playing since the '90s, and, uh, you know, Th it feel kind of good to introduce it to another generation, you know, who never really played it bef Damn it! How are you this bad when you've been playing since before I was born? I let you win.
I've asked you to not let me win over and over, and I keep winning.
Why? Whatever.
Look, I'm-a go do make my rounds and (SIGHS) Look, surgery's gonna go fine.
We got some of the best doctors in Chicago.
I just hope they're better at surgery than you are at Street Fighter.
(LAUGHS) Well, I'm-a tell you this: those tumors about to get roundhoused.
(CHUCKLES) All right, you gonna be okay.
I'll check on you later.
Okay.
All right, who's ready to lose in these video games Where's Alison? You didn't hear? She didn't make it.
I'm sorry.
What? Hmm.
(MUTTERS) No, that's not what I want.
Ahem! - Mm - Ahem! Damn.
Something wrong with your throat? I just need you to make a snack selection.
Oh, I'm deliberating.
What you mean you deliberating? Okay, deliberation's supposed to happen before you put the dollar in.
Once you put that money in there, you select.
You just don't have any vending machine etiquette.
And what's the vending machine etiquette about standing so close you're basically inside the person in front of you? Back up.
(VENDING MACHINE WHIRRS) Dang.
Oh, come on now.
(STAMMERS) Look, look, just-just let me get my-my snack and I'll get out of here.
I just want to get my Oreos and go.
Ooh, Oreos! That's a good idea.
Get some Oreos Ooh.
Aw, damn.
That was the last pack, my bad.
What? (CHUCKLES) These are gonna be good.
- Take this off.
- Oh, come on now.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a minute, wait a minute.
Okay, what type of monster doesn't eat the cream? Well, I don't like the cream, so I don't eat the cream.
You are destroying a perfectly alive healthy snack.
Alive? Okay, I know that didn't make any sense at all, - but you know what I meant.
- No, but I see what's going on here.
I see what's happening.
Mm.
Mm-mm.
Mm-mm! - Hoo Mm-mm.
- Wait, what are What are you doing? I mean, you you touching me, but not touching me is This got to be a violation of some kind.
Could you please stop? Damn.
I'm getting some bad energy vibes from you, but you know what? It's okay.
You're in luck 'cause I'm a healer.
What you mean you a healer? You need to empty and refill.
Your chakras are all out of alignment.
You don't know nothing about no chakras.
What you need is a deep energy cleanse, and you need it urgently.
If you don't, something bad is gonna happen.
You are gonna lose focus and make a mistake with a patient, and that stress is gonna cause you great bodily harm.
Okay, you know what I'm-a do and 'cause my-my shift is almost over? I'm-a leave, right? And I'm-a meet up with my friends.
And I'm-a tell them about this crazy lady I met at work today.
You're not gonna be able to meet up with your friends tonight.
'Cause this storm is turning into a blizzard.
Yup.
It's feeding off your negative energy.
The storm is you, bruh.
Hey.
You're crazy.
Okay, here's-here's the update.
Uh, as you can see, it's, uh, it's flurries.
I mean, wow.
This supposed to be a Blizzard Watch and all we got is this light-ass snow.
(CHUCKLES) Huh? Are you happy out there? Watching a brother freeze his ass off? Is it fun for you? Huh? You sick bastards! Back to you, Chuck Martinez and Cathy Thompson.
You gonna call me a bastard for being a loyal viewer? You the bastard, Wayne.
- Hey, you seen Rel? - Nope.
He's supposed to be meeting me here so I can dump this guy, Kevin.
Rel's my breakup coach.
He helps me break up with guys in a way that they still want to live after the breakup.
(CHUCKLES) Damn! Kevin's here already.
He always early.
That's part of the reason why I don't like him.
Hey, babe.
Hey.
(CHUCKLES) Um, you want to get a table and I'll get the drinks? Coo-Li-o.
All right, I probably can't wait for Rel 'cause if I have to hear that idiot say "coolio" one more time - Let me help you.
- Okay.
How would you want a girl to break up with you? Oh, skywriting.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
(CHUCKLES) She break up with me, I'll be all sad and everything, but then I'll be like, "Damn, look at That's my name in the sky!" Babe! I'm going for it right now.
I love breakups.
That's good for business for me.
Nothing makes people drink more than falling in or out of love.
Either way, I'm getting paid, baby.
Believe it.
All right, it's done.
Wait.
You broke up with him that fast? Yup.
It was quick and painless.
I said, "Look, you wack, stop saying coolio.
You done.
" (SOBBING) Whoo! I'm about to get paid.
Hey, brother, it's time to get you walking.
(CHUCKLES) (CHUCKLES) No.
That's not the right attitude to have.
See, look, if you don't take these steps from time to time, your legs won't strengthen.
You know the saying, "You got to use it or lose it.
" You know what I mean? You're, uh, you're Mr.
Hughes.
You not Mr.
Hutchinson.
My bad.
(CHUCKLES) Okay, I'm-a just, um, get on out of here, you know what I mean? (CHUCKLES) You know, uh, roll on.
(CHUCKLES) - Rel.
- Ah, damn! You okay? Oh, I just feel like I pulled something, - but I can ice it when I leave.
- Leave? The storm just upgraded to a blizzard and the streets are closed.
Sorry, but we're stuck.
Wait a minute.
Did I cause this? Am I the storm? Hi.
Hey, did you curse me? I'm serious.
Look, look.
I-I pulled my neck and it's all messed up, and I was rude to a patient.
Now a blizzard has trapped us.
What, you some type of witch or something? - Turn around.
- What you mean turn around? I don't just let people turn - (NECK CRACKS) - Ah! Better? It actually is.
Now, you want this deep energy cleanse or not? I'm afraid to say yes, but I'm also afraid to say no.
So I guess I'll say, uh, okay? You're a brave man.
Here.
For you.
Uh, you know, I appreciate the gesture and everything, but, you know, I don't go around here just taking loose cookies out of people's pockets.
Alright, first step, tell me how you're feeling.
I mean, I don't know.
I mean I'm usually pretty good with my emotions.
I mean, I cry all the time.
But today today wasn't fair.
I lost a patient.
I'm sorry.
She was just a kid.
Well, it seems like we met at just the right time.
So, to begin, we have to empty the bad from your life.
So now we're just going to shout it out.
Shout it out? We're just gonna shout and scream as loud as we can.
You do know - we in a hospital Oh! - (SCREAMS) What are you doing? You can't be in here (SCREAMING) Stop doing that.
This is actually my job.
- (SCREAMING) - No, no, listen to me (BOTH SCREAMING) (SCREAMS) So, how do you feel? I don't know.
I actually feel I feel better.
Great.
Well, see, now that you've emptied the bag, we replenish with positive vibes.
First, affirmations.
Rel, I think you have a very kind face.
Oh, okay.
Thank you.
Oh, you.
Uh I think you have a nice hairstyle.
Thank you.
Now to others.
Excuse me, sir.
You have a great yelling voice.
(CHUCKLES) Oh.
And, uh you be mopping the hell out of these floors.
Means a lot to me.
Okay.
Are you happy now? You got your damn blizzard.
Why am I out here? I bet Chuck is curled up by a fireplace with a nice cup of hot chocolate.
And he's watching a phone full of porn.
What maniac watches local news, anyway? I can't believe we got snowed in right after I broke up with Kevin.
And now he got a whole sad man entourage over there and they're giving me the stink eye.
(SOBBING) Brittany, will you please, please get back with him until the storm is over? He's over there crying.
Crying is contagious; you got Charley crying over there now.
Charley, stop crying! Stop crying! You're only crying because he's crying.
Make him stop crying.
I don't know how, that's why I needed Rel.
Look, if you want to make Kevin feel better, you got to show some emotion like him.
Look, if he feels like you hurt, he'll feel less hurt.
Yeah, I don't believe in crying.
You don't believe in crying? It's a bodily function, it ain't the Moon landing.
Yo, somebody from that table sent you this drink.
Oh, what is it? Kevin's tears.
(MUTTERS) Look, Brittany, if you can just cry, okay, just cry, Kevin will feel better, and we'll all feel a lot less uncomfortable.
Look, I would, but it's impossible.
I can't cry.
Everybody can cry.
Bri Watch this.
Not me.
All right, look.
These two white dudes raised this lion cub until he's old enough to get released into the wild, right? And then ten years later, they come and see him, right? (CHOKED UP): You see that? The lion still recognizes them.
It's like, the the lion can't talk, right? But he can feel.
Mm.
Okay.
(CLEARS THROAT) (GRUNTS) (GRUNTS) Sorry.
You gonna have to mind your business if Ooh.
Shoot! I got hot sauce in my eye.
Yo.
Jake, give me a napkin, please.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
- Wait, wait.
No.
- Get off me! - Wha? - (GASPING) - I see tears.
- (SOBS) Now, look, let it happen, and turn towards Kevin.
(SNIFFLES) Is he looking? This hurts.
(CHUCKLES): Yeah.
He's looking.
- (SOBBING) - Hey.
Keep 'em flowing.
Shake your shoulders a little bit.
(SOBBING) - Look, I can't do this.
- You have to.
This is the next step.
We have to refill your soul - with the melody of life.
- Okay, what does that even mean? It doesn't even make any sense.
You know what I mean? - And plus, I feel uncomfortable.
- You're supposed to be uncomfortable.
That's the point.
Come on, hurry up and sing.
Rescue me Or take me in your arms Rescue me I want your tender charms 'Cause I'm lonely And I'm blue I need you And your love, too Come on and rescue Come on, baby, and rescue me Come on, baby And rescue me 'Cause I need you By my side Can't you see that I'm lonely? Rescue me.
I'd give you a standing ovation if I had legs.
Mrs.
Randolph, we've been looking all over for you.
We're scheduled to turn off your sister's life support tonight.
I-I know this is hard, but we need your final sign-off.
Wait.
Tasha.
Tasha, Tasha.
Tasha! Wait.
Talk to me.
My sister always said if it came down to this, then just to let her go.
I came to town to do it, and I've been here for a few days, but I just can't.
It's too awful.
Damn, Tasha, I didn't I-I didn't know.
I'm sorry.
I'm just not equipped to handle stuff like this.
I never have been.
I mean, what about all the self-help and the refilling and emptying and? I don't know.
I was just making up all that stuff as I went along.
Well, don't get me wrong, I wanted to make you feel better, but.
honestly, I was just trying to do anything to distract myself.
The singing? Well, I saw a flyer for karaoke by the bathroom and thought, "Hey, why not?" Okay, what about my neck? Are you a chiropractor or something? Nah, I used to date one, though.
Okay, how about the weather? How did you know that? Well, I got a weather alert to my phone right before you walked up to me.
Okay, the screams? The affirmations? That's from Oprah.
Look I just threw some stuff out there and I got it right, okay? I'm not a witch.
I'm just I'm just a woman that doesn't want to lose her sister.
(SIGHS HEAVILY) Look Look, I know, I know it's hard, but your sister trusted you to to carry out her wishes.
Now, look, I see families here all the time fussing and fighting, trying to keep somebody alive that's already gone.
But you don't have to do that.
And I'm gonna say this to you: the more you run from it, the harder it's gonna get.
I just don't think I can handle seeing her die.
(SIGHS) I mean, you can go and be there as it happens, and if it's too hard for you, you can't handle it, you know, you don't have to, you can leave.
Look there's no wrong choice to how these things go.
You know? I think if you believe in yourself the way you made me you're gonna be okay.
You got this.
STEVENS: Tasha.
Please sign this.
Thank you.
I'll get everything ready.
(TASHA SNIFFLES) So what, you just gave that long-ass speech, and you're not coming? (SHIVERING): A-As you can see, I'm I'm buried up to my chest in snow, and (SHOUTING) (GROANING) Yeah, that's right.
Light his ass up, kids.
- Brittany? - (CRYING QUIETLY) It hurts me to see you cry, 'cause you're the most amazing woman I've ever been with.
I mean, you're focused, funny, smart, talented.
And I see that you're tender now, too.
I wish I could be the guy for you, but I know you're gonna find him someday, 'cause you're amazing.
Hey, hey.
Coolio, babe.
(SOBBING) Are you wing-crying, or are you cry-crying? I think I'm cry-crying.
Wait, why? I don't know.
Kevin just said something so sweet, and now I think I've dumped the wrong guy.
I mean, have I been dumping the wrong guys my whole life? Like, what is all this emotion? Damn it.
(SOBS) Boy, Like get the hell off of me.
I'm going back out into the blizzard.
And hopefully, the high winds will freeze my heart again.
Whew.
Hey, man, you think she's mad now? Wait till the wind blow that wig off her head.
Hey.
Oreo? Sure.
Okay, wait, wait, wait.
You know you shouldn't (CHUCKLES) (LAUGHS) I'm sorry, I just don't have much of an appetite.
I got to go make arrangements and make sure my flight is still on for tomorrow.
Okay.
But it was nice to meet you.
And thank you.
Aw, no, no, no, no.
Thank you.
All right? It was nice to meet you, too.
Come here.
All right? Stay strong, okay? Uh, Tasha? Yeah? If you can, remember what you taught me, right? You-you taught me about new experiences and new friends and and being open-minded.
You-you taught me With all that being said, um give the cream a chance.
Nah, it's nasty.
Why have you forsaken me, Lord?! Hey, you! - Lady, help me! Please! - I got my own problems.
What you mean your own problems? Huh? Oh, God, this is this is crazy.
This is worse than I ever thought it could be.
Look, guys, nobody cares.
Obviously nobody ever has! Chicago, look, if I die, the blood is on your hands! Or the snow.
Whatever! Look, but if I don't, and I live, I'll see you next week.
And thanks for watching.
(CRYING): And remember you can't spell great without Channel Channel 8.