Relic Hunter s01e08 Episode Script

Eric.
Down, down here.
H onour my deeds, then i'm gone.
Let my soul rest with the treasure.
Jann the bold.
We honour your life and return your soul to valhalla.
It was great the temp agency could fill you in for claudia on such short notice.
By the way, i wanted to thank you.
That chinese restaurant you recommended ex cellent.
Sure thing.
Ancient studies.
She's kind of busy, actually.
Can i take a message? Mil milton mor morris.
That's the president of the college! President morris, n igel bailey.
Sorry for the confusion, she's temping.
We're not busy at all.
Well, that is to say we're not, not busy.
We're always busying ourselves striving to be busy, but never too busy to take your call.
Yes, i have a pen, fire away.
I have a message.
N ot done yet.
You're going to want to hear this.
Okay.
There's a visiting professor from the u niversity of n ortheastern south africa on his way to see you right now.
Why? The u niversity promised your services.
You're to help him find the rune stone of king jann the first of n orway.
There's more.
This is the bit that might not sit so well.
The erm, professor is stewey? Sweet-cheeks.
I don't care how much money you've donated to this university stewey.
I'm not helping you find anything.
Look, sydney, i need you.
You're the best in the business.
Syd, look this could also be a very ex citing historical find.
U niversity of n ortheasten south africa? It's an hour outside watsumbia? Look, they're the only people that had the wisdom enough to accredit me.
You bribed them.
I gave them a donation.
Look syd, i know what you're thinking, but i've changed.
I've cleaned up my act.
I'm a different guy and it's all because of you.
Me? Well, yeah.
I mean, that last experience that we shared in the belly of the buddha, i mean, it forced me to take a real hard look at myself.
And quite frankly, i didn't like what i saw.
I don't blame you.
Yeah.
And then when you sent me that very expensive ancient coin as a gift it was a mistake.
But still it struck a very, very deep, deep chord inside of me.
Professor fo x, here's those files you asked for.
Oh, who's the new pork chop? It is possible that he really has turned over a new leaf, isn't it? N o.
Well, even the commonest of criminals can be rehabilitated, sydney.
We're talking about stewey here, n igel.
You think president morris will understand? H e's going to have to because there is no way i'm going to sweden with stewey h arper.
When you come back, you think you could bring me a rhinestone, too? That's rune stone, lynette.
Rune stone? What's a rune stone? In medieval times, it's how people wrote messages, notes.
They used to chisel it out in stone.
Oh, sort of like a post-it.
Sort of.
[Fu n ky mu sic.]
Hello, welcome to viking café.
How are you today? Very well, thank you.
All of our grand platters are served on scaled-down versions of oarboats the authentic viking ships.
And you'll notice your steak knives were modelled after broadswords from the anders the great dynasty.
The celtic cross found its way into the crust after he conquered c ounty donner in southern ireland.
That's very clever, isn't it, sydney? C ould i have a c oke? Me, too.
H i.
Sorry, i had to make an important phone call.
Can i get you something? Yeah, i'll have a bottle of your breast bear, please.
I mean, best breast.
I mean yeah, thanks.
Great place, huh? Listen, i just want you guys to know it is so nice to be working with each other as opposed to against each other, huh? You know, we really are of the same ilk, syd.
- We are not of the same ilk.
- Sure we are.
Stewey, whatever ilk you're from, i'm from a different one.
Syd, i've got something very, very important i want you to take a look at.
Looks like furthorc.
Around the eleventh century.
Or the tenth.
I can't decipher this.
Looks like we're going to need a translator.
This is fantastic.
I, i've never seen anything like this before.
What does it say? It's futhorc, a very primitive form, gottkerk, runic.
It er, it refers to a runestone.
We know that part.
Tell us something we don't know.
Yes, something about it being the cornerstone of a great holy place, a sacred temple where the, the ax es crossed the line of the great arrow.
What the hell does that mean? Is there anything else, lars? N ot without the rest.
The rest? Well, this parchment was torn from a book, a text written by a viking shaman.
Listen, forget about that part.
Get back to the part about the ax es that crosses the line of the sacred arrow.
N ow what the hell does that mean? I don't know.
I have no idea.
You don't know? I'm a translator.
I, i don't have a degree in mythology.
Tenth-century stockholm.
I had lars make me a copy.
Great.
What? You wouldn't be hiding something from us, would you, stewey? What could i possibly be hiding? Lars mentioned a book- text written by a viking shaman.
Same book that this page was torn out of.
You know, i am so offended by this distrust in me.
This is the new me.
Why are you acting so weird? That's the old me.
All right, let's get back to the clues.
N ow, the rune stone is in a holy place where the ax es crossed the line of the great arrow.
N ow, the ax es in translation refers to the clan of anders the great, also know as anders the ax e.
N ow, their village was here.
What does the great arrow mean? Perfect timing.
H ello again.
You, you guys eating a lot? We really love the service.
Erm i was wondering the historical bits that you tell the customers, interesting as they are, are they at all accurate or are they just made up? C ompletely accurate.
Would you know anything about the meaning of the great arrow? Oh, yes, thursday's lunch special, swedish meatballs oh, no, actually, i'm sorry, i, i meant historically.
Oh yeah.
The great arrow was a large, wooden structure built in the forest pointing travellers directly north right here.
All right.
If your waitress is correct, the great arrow will be here.
N ow, anders' clan's village is here.
Well, where does the ax e cross the line of the great arrow? The village was built about a mile inland from where they kept their ships which meant they would have to travel every day to the village.
N ow, if we continue a line north going in the same direction as the great arrow, that should put our rune stone in a holy place somewhere in this vicinity.
Yeah, but wait a minute.
N ow, this is a tenth century map.
Where is this vicinity? Well, we get a present-day map and lay it over this.
Should only be a few miles to cover.
There's just one more place to check out after this.
It's a church, it was built in 1925.
Still, the monument could be inside.
Let's check this place out first.
Well, this looks like it could be a monastery or a nunnery.
It's at least a hundred years old.
Well, it's a holy place, ain't it? H ey, wait a minute.
What about this? Oh, great, it's in swedish.
Well, we are in sweden, stewey.
Ja, we are.
Well, this i can translate: Holy dwellings have occupied this site for over nine hundred years.
This present building is a former home of the sisters of magdalene monastery.
Erected on the grounds is a monument using stones from the original viking temple.
That's it, it's got to be here.
I wonder what kind of holy place it is today.
Can i help you? Boy, leave it to the swedes, huh? This is a spa? That's right.
Arr a clothing-optional spa? N o.
Oh, thank god.
A nude-only spa.
I'm not going in there.
There's a chance the rune stone is in the monument.
Look, sydney, they're - they're letting it all hang out.
- N ige, that's what they're doing.
If we're going to find that rune stone, we've got to go in there, suck it up, suck it in, and do the nasty thing that's got to be done.
I don't think so.
Why? What's the matter? If i go in there with you, i'm liable to end up in jail or, at the very least, uncontrollably nauseous.
N igel and i will take care of this.
Why don't you take a walk and cool it off? Sydney, are you sure stewey can't be any use to you in there? - I mean after all, he is a changed man.
- N igel - i can't.
- You can.
- I can't.
- It's just a body.
It's my body and your body and what's the matter? You've got a nice body.
Yeah? But there's all those other bodies.
N igel, if it makes you feel any better, i won't look, i promise i won't look.
You won't look, i won't look we just won't look.
We won't look at anything but stones, stones that look like rune stones.
All right? Okay, good.
Stay out of the cold water.
Right.
We should split up.
Why don't you go this way? I'll go that way.
- Alone? Like this? - Yes.
Syd, syd.
C ome here.
Please.
H i, how are you? N ice to see you.
- Oh, sorry.
- Sorry.
Sydney, i'm sorry, i, i didn't see a thing.
Did you peek? N o, i did not peek, n igel.
But i do think i found it.
There.
Great.
N ow, it looks like the stones are constructed in a free-form manner, no mortar, just piled one on top of each other.
It's got to be one of the smaller stones near the foundation.
If it's there, we should be able to just wedge it out.
- One problem, though.
- What? H er.
Oh, i, i see your point.
We can't just go pulling out stones in front of her.
Well, we'll just have to ask her to move.
H ow? I'll leave that in your capable hands.
Me? Ex cuse me, miss? I, i was just thinking maybe, maybe you should move your chair.
Why? Why? Why indeed.
The sun, it, it's in the wrong position for optimal tanning.
Yeah.
Yeah, i do get burned sometimes.
Your cheeks are a bit red.
N o, i didn't mean those cheeks.
I mean, i wasn't looking at those cheeks.
I mean, not that i wouldn't want to look at those, i'm sure they're very nice cheeks, but it's i, well, i mean, what do you expect? I mean, you're naked, i'm naked, we're all naked.
Right.
- This is it.
- Yeah.
See the engraving? It's moving.
Pull it out.
One stone, nobody will ever miss it.
Yeah, but how are we going to get out of here? - What do you mean? - We're not exactly wearing pockets.
Right.
Oh, you guys have been so great and i really mean that.
But listen, i've got to get this thing back to, to the u niversity as quickly as i can, okay? Oh, syd thank you so much.
You're the best.
N ige, i love ya.
All right, i'm going to grab a cab and i'll go straight to the airport and i'll call you from africa.
Stewey.
- Yeah? - Can we see it? - See what? - The rune stone.
You already saw it.
Well, we were kind of in a rush at the time.
Just let me see it.
Syd, i'm going to miss my cab to the airport.
I'd better get going.
Stewey.
Well, it is what he said.
King jann's rune stone, amazing.
Wait a minute.
You said it was king jann the first.
I can't read the futhorc, but this is definitely the crest of jann the second.
This is king jann the second's rune stone.
Well, first or second, what difference does it make, really? King jann the second was also known as jann the bold who plundered vast fortunes from across europe.
Which nobody ever found.
N o kidding.
Well, i didn't know that.
I'll make sure they put that on the plaque because i don't want them to get that give it! Syd, be careful with the rune stone.
Way to go, syd, way to go.
- I can't believe we got mugged in sweden.
- Those guys weren't muggers.
- I wonder what they wanted from us.
- Good question.
The engravings are futhorc like the parchment.
I guess we're going to be visiting our friend the translator again.
I wonder what this eight-legged horse means? Sleipner, odin's horse.
You must really like the service here.
Back three times.
Yes we do.
Boy, here we go again.
Listen, about this horse er, modem? Is that what you said? Odin, main god of the vikings.
That's right.
H is horse's name was sleipner and it had eight legs so it would never tire.
With all the walking around on this trip, i could do with another set of legs myself.
N igel, we should probably head to the translator's office now.
I'm a relic hunter, too.
H ello? Lars? Anybody home? There doesn't seem to be anybody here.
Strange.
Why don't you leave him a note.
H ave him call us.
Right.
Oh! Well, ixnay on the note.
Either lars was in the wrong place at the wrong time or he discovered something he wasn't supposed to.
Like what? I have a pretty good idea.
Sydney, look, there are ash marks on lars' fingers.
Photograph, recently burned.
Looks like he wanted to get rid of it in a hurry before someone came after him.
Look at that above the address.
Odin's horse.
Seventy-seventy ringvagen.
Get the feeling it's not a bible study? Isn't that bjorn, the other translator? That's him.
Lars must have discovered their secret cult.
So they killed him.
Brothers, there is a filth among us.
There is one so wretched in his obscenity that he would take our great book and sell it to the outside world.
Let me tell you, brothers we are diligent in our security and though we practice the ways of the ancients we do not ignore the ways of technology.
Your sale of our book is known! But it will be recovered so that once more it rests alongside the star of odin.
The star of odin our key to unlocking the secret of jann the bold's treasure.
So brother, you will have time indeed to reflect upon your actions in hell! Get the door! Come on! Well, guess we took care of those guys, huh? N ot so fast, professor.
I want the truth and i want it now.
- What's the story with this book? - What do you mean by story? You know what i mean.
Look, can't we talk about this later? There's twenty bloodthirsty vikings about to get in here.
And i'll throw you to them if you don't come clean right now.
All right, all right, look, but can't we talk about it somewhere else? Oh, great, it's locked.
I can get us out.
But first, you tell me what the hell is going on.
Oh, jeez.
Okay, look, i got a line on this rogue viking, a really weird dude you know, like these other choirboys.
H e told me he stole the book and he contacted me on my web site.
Your web site? - Yeah.
You don't have one? - Go on.
The lock anyway, i bought the book from him, we did it all by e-mail.
- I mean, i never even met the guy.
- So where's the book? - Safe and sound.
- The whole book? The whole book and nothing but the book.
You didn't show us the rest of the book because we'd know it was for jann the bold and we wouldn't help you.
You'd have all the treasure for yourself.
What are you, teacher's pet? So the book got us to the rune stone.
That's right.
And now, we got the key to jann the bold's treasure.
Star of odin? You took the star of odin.
U h-huh.
N ow we have everything we need to find jann the bold's secret loot.
Ex cept a translator.
Let's go.
D, d, don't kill me please! Did lars plead with you for his life too? I didn't kill lars.
I, i only told the leader that he knew about us.
The, the leader had him killed.
It's the truth.
I'll do anything.
Yes, please take the knife away.
The tablet refers to a sacred field, the h ouse of souls.
Where? I don't know.
I don't.
But but what? If you do find it, according to the rune stone, it's cursed.
What kind of curse? It says, jann the bold quenched his thirst for riches where dead men rest.
And all those who search for his treasure will sleep among them.
Well, a fat lot of good this is going to do us.
We don't even know what or where this h ouse of souls is and at this hour, who are we going to find out from? H ello.
H ello again.
You're not coming here just for the food, are you? N o.
Actually, i just have a quick question.
H ave you ever heard of a a h ouse of souls, other than an appetizer or a dinner special, that is? Oh, yes.
The h ouse of souls, this is one of the most revered legends in all of viking history.
The h ouse of souls was a very holy place.
Only the bravest warriors were allowed to enter.
Many never returned.
Sydney.
Stewey.
The rune stone translation, i quench my thirst where dead men sleep.
- Quenching his thirst.
- H e was talking about a well.
- H ere, help me get this off.
- Yeah, let me hold this.
Thanks.
Oh yeah.
This is it.
This has got to be it.
Well, don't just stand there.
Go down and get it.
Stewey, make yourself useful and give us some light.
Oh.
Oh, boy.
This is not good.
N ow what are we going to do? I think we should go down there, have a look around.
You mean climb down the walls? Stewey, give me the light.
- I'll hold the light.
You guys go down.
- Stewey, give me the light.
N o, i want to hold the light.
Did what i think just happened happen? I guess we're going down.
All of us.
You, you got me? Yeah.
Don't just drop me.
Stewey.
Thanks, n ige.
The eight-legged horse will show us the way.
Is this it? Well, you've helped us, bjorn, so i'm going to spare you.
Thank you.
Call the others.
I don't want him to live to see another sunrise.
It looks kind of small.
I'd think a rat like you would feel right at home in there.
Sleipner.
This has got to be it.
Thanks.
Thanks.
A viking burial ground.
- Jann the bold? - Yeah, but where's the treasure? Give me the star of odin.
Yes! Watch it! Look at this.
My goodness.
We're going to have to come back for the rest of this stuff later.
- This isn't ours, stewey.
- Right.
These are priceless artifacts that belong in a museum.
Museum shmuseum.
Who's going to stop us? The viking police? That's right.
I've been waiting a long time for this.
Go get him, n ige.
I should have brought a bigger bag.
Why didn't i bring a bigger bag? I'll be right with you.
See? It's not so bad when we work together, huh, syd? Listen, sydney take 20% of the loot, i'll take the rest.
Every penny of this is going to a museum, stewey.
- 30%.
- Every penny.
Forty-four? You know what? You're right, stewey, it's not so bad when we work together.