Reno 911! (2003) s01e08 Episode Script
Clementine Gets Married
Reno, this is 41 frank 15 We're in hot pursuit Of a brown nissan stanza, Nevada license "w-u-v It's a vanity plate, "Wu-- wuv-- wuv my It's "w" "Wu-- woov-me "Woove me-- Wuv me-- wuv my-- "Wuv-my-k9" Love my canine, Love my dog.
Oh, he loves his dog.
Stop the car, Stop, stop ! ( Crash ) ( Siren blaring ) Oh, ho ! Oh, ho-ho ! ( Police radio chatter ) Aggghhh ! Here you go-- Lal-la, yeah ( Screaming ) ( Man on radio ) Shots fired ! Oh-ho-ho ! ( Police radio chatter ) ( Siren blaring ) ( Johnson ) Once again i got No sleep last night.
( Buzzer ) Oh, here we go.
Nice Nice ! Just my boyfriend, Everybody.
It's just steed, The love of my life.
What did you do now ? This is so embarrassing Clemmy-- What'd you do now, What'd you steal ? I gotta tell you somethin', I gotta come clean.
I come here to, uh, Propose blissful matrimony To you, down on bended knee.
Clemmy, i know we been through Some hard times together, uh-- Oh, my god.
Maybe more to come, But, uh, I think now we've Made a real turn.
Uh, almost A complete u-turn.
Uh, maybe not a Complete u-turn But, like, a hard-- Very hard right turn ? ( Gasps ) I want you to Marry me, clemmy.
I got it at j.
C.
Penney.
( Gasps ) Oh my-- This is not happening.
Oh, my god-- Yes, by the way, yes, yes.
( Applause ) ( Moaning ) Is there like an Empty cell we can use For a couple of-- No.
Is there ? Just for a couple minutes.
Take it outside.
When i met him, first week-- This is a true story-- First week, i got "steed" Tattooed across my back.
But then he pissed me off The next week And i had to change it.
And so i just put-- I kinda had them do an "x" Through the "d".
And it says "steely dan".
Are we ready To get married ? Well, i think-- You know, was i ready To come to work today ? The thing about clemmy Marrying steed is this: People can do whatever They wanna do.
You know, we don't Live in communist china.
You know ? I'm not gonna tell her, "Hey, this is a bad guy With a rap sheet.
" "This is a guy Who's, you know, An attempted arsonist, A repeat b & e.
" You know, Is that my place to say, "Hey, this guy was Wanted on "statch" A couple years back ?" "Hey, this guy, y'know, Shot his cousin Y'know, back in '81 ?" No, listen, people Can do whatever they want This isn't communist china.
Sheriff's department.
Sheriff's department, sir.
Who's is it ? Sheriff's department !Partment ! Hi, can i help you ? Yeah, you can help us.
Uh, look, we're Shooting a movie right now.
This is really Not the best time.
We're gonna wrap, probably, In about 10, 15 minutes If you guys wanna grab a soda Or something like that-- Sir, we've been Getting some noise, Uh, complaints from Suite #4, here.
Yeah, you have been, Because there have been a lot Of people knocking on my door And we are shooting-- We're shooting vérité, I'm not sure if you're Familiar with that term But that means real.
And you know What's not real ? Is a couple of knuckleheads F-- with my movie.
Okay, you know What's real, sir ? Is we're gonna come inside 'Cause your checkout time is 12 And it's now So, uh, that's real now, We're gonna come in.
Uh, okay, fine.
Cut ! Uh, some people from The police department Would like to see what a real movie is all about.
This is art, all right ? Do you understand Where i live ? I live in america ! And in america, You can do what you want And the nazis can't come inside And f-- with your film.
Don't you slap-- Greased pig ! It's love oil ! Son of a bitch ! Oh, say can you see-- Don't you Sing the anthem ! By the dawn's Early light-- Don't you sing The anthem, sir ! What's so proud-- No, don't you Sing the anthem ! Damn, this cowboy's Like a-- Yeah, Say it, say it ! Say it ! No, i'm fat.
I'm a fat f-- No, you're not fat.
No.
No, i'm not ? No, you're not fat.
I'm not fat, really ? Look at me, Are you blind ?! I'm as big as a house ! ( Groaning ) Okay, i'll rent the room.
I'll rent the room For another day-- No.
Okay ? We're not negotiating Anymore, sir.
Oop-- no, no, ho ! ( Growling ) So long, Everybody back to one ! Yeah, reno 11, Charlie 51.
Send the fire department Over to the desert sands-- ( Whistles ) He's got your stick.
( Bleep ) you, ( Bleep ) you two times-- What, what ? Oh, you want this-- ooh.
Oh, ( bleep ) ! Get off ! Clemmy and i met At a g-e-d class.
It's graduate equivalent Degree diploma.
And he passed me a note.
Graduate equivalency degree, You got it right the first time.
Degree Uh, i passed her a note-- Passed me a note, it said, "I think you're hot.
" And i passed him A note and i said, "I don't need you To tell me that.
" I am planning a Bachelorette party for you.
Strippers All right.
You have a preference ? Black, white ? I like 'em all.
I like black, I like white I like black.
Just don't get me any Pacific islanders.
I don't get it, I don't get that.
Okay, hi, gang.
Uh, my name is Lieutenant jim dangle And this is my associate, Deputy travis junior.
We're from the Reno sheriff's department.
And today we're gonna talk About a scary and deadly And dangerous drug That's out on the streets.
It's a killer, it's a plague That's sweeping the nation And it's called "Crystal methamphetamine".
Crystal methamphetamine is A terrible, terrible drug And it does a lot of Terrible things to ya-- ( Strums guitar ) And we're gonna Talk about some of those Terrible things it does to you But in a kind of a fun way.
So follow along, and As soon as you know the words Sing along right with me.
You can monkey with a gibbon You can fiddle with a bow But before you Snort that crystal meth There's some things that You should know Meth is made From antihistamines In basement labs It's cooked And possession is a felony Which means That you'll get booked With a snort It zips right up your nose And eats away your brain It kills your sense of Good and evil And it Makes you go insane Here we go ( Together ) * So don't meth with Meth, beth * Don't meth With meth, seth Don't meth with meth Gwyneth Don't meth With crystal meth Any questions ? We got another, uh, Uh, any requests ? Anybody ? I know some rush And i know a lot of floyd.
Hello.
How you doin', Today, ma'am ? Hi, i'm terrific, How are you guys doin' ? We're doin' good.
Just great.
Sorry for The holdup, guys.
It's all right.
I knew i held you up.
That's probably A crime, isn't it ? No, no problem But could you hurry it up ? 'Cause we got a lot Of crime to-- Can you believe, $9 for tacos ? I mean, that's highway Robbery, isn't it ? No, it's not bad, Actually.
highway robbery ? It's a fair price, Actually.
Here you go, guys.
Okay, got it-- Ohh Got it ? Yeah.
Hope it's not a crime To make you wait.
Not at all, ma'am, You have a good day.
Do i have taco In my teeth, huh ? No, i don't think so.
Bye-bye.
Kind of jittery, huh ? I've got a note here.
"Officer, there are Two armed men inside.
" I hope there's Two-armed men back there A one-armed guy's not gonna Be able to make a taco.
This here, actually, Is my plot.
Um, obviously, There's nobody in it yet But, god willing, There will be.
Hi, mom.
My mom started Collecting beanie babies About four years After she died.
I used to leave 'em out here.
In fact, i had a whole Collection for her.
She had a great Princess diana bear, Those are a fortune.
I had a hard time Getting her that one, She was really excited When i did finally get it.
Um, and i left him out here You know, thinking, This is a sacred place And uh Some nigger kid Took him, i think.
I have real dark skin.
My mom was real light skinned, She was an irish girl.
I have real dark skin 'Cause i was, apparently, So they say, i was raped.
Um, my mother was raped By an american indian.
She had gone on-- It was a-- Some sort of souvenir hunt In, uh, minnesota.
Wandered onto a reservation And boom, they raped her.
They're talkin' about Puttin' more, uh, Asian people in here ? And, uh, I put up a flyer, um, Of course, without my name on it Or any information, saying, Y'know, Let's try and keep-- In so many words, let's try And keep the asians out.
And i haven't Heard anything back But, then again, I didn't put my name or Any phone number on it, so.
I don't know How i would hear back.
( Garcia ) Hey, wait, the head, I gotta get down lower.
There we go-- medusa, And then i go up.
( Laughs ) Look at that, Pretty damn cool.
Oh, a man of mystery ! Oh, go away, You evil greek guy ! You have been curs-ed By the evil medusa.
You have been curs-ed ! Hey, how would it be if i Had to go to the bathroom ? ( All ) Whoo ! I have a speech that I would like to make.
Go girl ! Well, truth be told, This is the first party I've ever been invited to.
Aww I'm sorry for-- Shhh.
I don't know steed Very well.
But, my motto is, "Don't judge A book by its cover.
" Okay, girl ! Whoo ! I was waiting to tonight To tell you this, I decided this like A week ago, that, um Once you guys decide you Wanna have children, I will sleep with steed, For as many times as it takes To get me pregnant Until i give birth And give you that baby.
'Cause you deserve to be a mom, You really frickin' do-- I'm gonna tell you right now, White people are crazy.
Crazy and nasty.
I'm really excited that You guys are here today.
And that you don't feel like There's a competition.
Oh, no, Not at all-- It's not about a competition Because we know who The winner is in this room.
And it's the one who's Getting married.
Son of a bitch, this guy Is drunk as a skunk Or high as a kite.
Uh, friday night in reno.
Put your hands where I can see them ! Hands where I can see them ! Passenger, sit down.
God damn it, steed.
Steed, what the f-- Are you doing, man ? Dangle.
You been weaving All over the road You're driving like A crazy person.
Steed, step out of the Vehicle, will you, please ? Step on out, steed, God damn it.
What are you doing Tonight, steed ? Uh, peyote Mushrooms Right, right.
Some crystal meth You did what ? About 28 beers ? Don't, don't-- Okay, you got Some marijuana.
That is some Good ( bleep ).
Now, you know you can't-- What the ( bleep ), steed ? Steed, that's like A pound of marijuana.
You got a .
38-- No, no, steed-- Stop, stop Stop, stop You're overincriminating Yourself.
We don't have to See all this, We weren't even Gonna pat ya down.
God damn it, steed.
We're gonna pretend We didn't see that.
No, hand out of Your pocket ! Hand out of Your pocket ! God damn it, steed ! This is, uh What are you doin' ? That's brown heroin, This is, uh We weren't even Gonna search ya.
I didn't even wanna know what Was in your pocket, man.
Be sure and keep The cap on that.
You're gettin' married-- You're gettin' married Tomorrow.
You just don't know When to quit, do you ? I realize, I don't know when to-- I've got some problems.
Uh, going to the a.
A.
Twelve step ? You ain't doin' too good.
Which step is the Four pounds of marijuana ? Which step is that ? Steed, just cool off.
Freeze.
Travis ? No, we got him-- Travis, come here.
Don't go nowhere.
I, for one, Am not gonna be the guy Who takes clemmy's Husband-to-be in The night Before his nuptials.
I'm not gonna do it.
I'm not gonna do this To that woman.
We'll dump the stuff And let him go, okay ? We'll let him go ? We're not gonna Let him drive But we're gonna dump The stuff and let him go.
She ain't gonna do No better, you're right.
She ain't gonna do No better than steed.
He's no prize, But neither is she, come on.
Okay, steed, we talked it Over and i just wanna-- ( Bottle shatters ) Ohh ! God damn it, Are you-- steed ! Ahh ! Oh, my god, Remember what we-- What we did with this ? Oh, my gosh, I totally remember.
Don't give me attitude, I am the maid of honor-- ( Williams ) Yeah, i know who you are But this is my house I'm givin' the party ! Anybody want a-- anybody Want a hot cup of wang ? ( Banging on door ) Somebody at the door ! How i look ? ( All hollering ) It's the police ! Um, uh, is it A problem, officer ? Yes, we have A noise complaint.
Well, was we makin' Too much noise ? I don't think you was Makin' enough noise ! ( All hollering ) Yeah, baby ! I'm the bride ! Ladies, we are The men of mantasia.
You ready for some chocolate Caramel sticks ? You ready For some man meat ? Hold on, Hold on Jones ? Hi, trudy.
What you doin' here ? Moonlighting.
Listen, hey, i don't need you Lookin' at me that way, okay ? If you want another officer, Fine, i'll go, I need the money, okay ? No, no, no, no, no.
Jonesy, officer, darling I paid for three strippers, I'm gonna have Three strippers ! Let's get the party Started ! Let's get The party started ! Go jonesy, go jonesy, Go jonesy On the right, On the right ! Whooo ! Whoo, whoo, whoa ! Do babies need Their bottle ? ( All ) Ooh ! Oh ! Oh, yeah.
( All hollering ) ( Banjo playing ) ave maria gratia plena maria gratia plena ave, ave dominus dominus tecum Just wanna thank You all for coming out On this egregious occasion.
I'm a straight-shootin' cowboy, You all know that.
I've partied With many of you, Oftentimes 'til four a.
M.
Shootin' down shots of "jage".
Uh, clemmie, Love of my life.
Always wanna be in A semi-monogamous Relationship with you.
Uh, lookin' forward to it.
Uh Tits looks great.
That's all i got.
Clementine.
( Crying ) I love you, and um, When one dynamic person Meets another dynamic person It's like a whole Lot of dynamite.
And i promise that, um, I will stay in this marriage Until we both agree That we don't Wanna do it anymore.
I love you.
With this ring I don't know How it ends.
If there be any here, Whatsoever, Who knows of a reason That this man and woman Should not be joined In holy matrimony, Speak now, Or forever hold your peace.
Then, by the power vested in me By the state of nevada, I now pronounce you Husband and wife.
You may now-- Well, there ya go.
Whoo ! All right ! ( Cheering ) We're married ! ( Screaming ) They ain't gonna Make it, mm-mm.
Can we go, or what ? Yeah, let's go.
Hey, don't come at me With this attitude, Like, "i'm gonna judge.
" What i'm doing here Is none of your business But i got my cat, mr.
Paws And i'm gonna make sweet love To this young lady And mr.
Paws gonna watch 'cause That's an extension of myself.
And that's legal, Because that's my choice ! Girl, what happened to you, Did steed do this to you ? Yes, he did, but you should See what i did to him.
He's in the hospital with his Jaw wired shut, it's all good.
Oh, my god.
Are you all right ? I'm fine, i'm fine.
I mean, we forgot To get a license So we were never really Married, so, it's fine.
Clemmy's back and she's single And it's all good.
Captioned by Adolf hitler Was not gay, okay ? I heard that he was.
He loved wagner And he was gay.
He also had one ball, They say.
And, he was jewish.
Yeah, oh yeah.
And he had one ball I think.
That might be Just from the song.
No, he really Had one ball.
No, he only had one ball, it's In the museum of tolerance now.
No, it's not.
Hitler's ball ? Where else Would it be ? They put hitler's ball in The museum of tolerance ? You gotta know where to-- You gotta ask the fella And he'll let you In the back room.
Oh, he loves his dog.
Stop the car, Stop, stop ! ( Crash ) ( Siren blaring ) Oh, ho ! Oh, ho-ho ! ( Police radio chatter ) Aggghhh ! Here you go-- Lal-la, yeah ( Screaming ) ( Man on radio ) Shots fired ! Oh-ho-ho ! ( Police radio chatter ) ( Siren blaring ) ( Johnson ) Once again i got No sleep last night.
( Buzzer ) Oh, here we go.
Nice Nice ! Just my boyfriend, Everybody.
It's just steed, The love of my life.
What did you do now ? This is so embarrassing Clemmy-- What'd you do now, What'd you steal ? I gotta tell you somethin', I gotta come clean.
I come here to, uh, Propose blissful matrimony To you, down on bended knee.
Clemmy, i know we been through Some hard times together, uh-- Oh, my god.
Maybe more to come, But, uh, I think now we've Made a real turn.
Uh, almost A complete u-turn.
Uh, maybe not a Complete u-turn But, like, a hard-- Very hard right turn ? ( Gasps ) I want you to Marry me, clemmy.
I got it at j.
C.
Penney.
( Gasps ) Oh my-- This is not happening.
Oh, my god-- Yes, by the way, yes, yes.
( Applause ) ( Moaning ) Is there like an Empty cell we can use For a couple of-- No.
Is there ? Just for a couple minutes.
Take it outside.
When i met him, first week-- This is a true story-- First week, i got "steed" Tattooed across my back.
But then he pissed me off The next week And i had to change it.
And so i just put-- I kinda had them do an "x" Through the "d".
And it says "steely dan".
Are we ready To get married ? Well, i think-- You know, was i ready To come to work today ? The thing about clemmy Marrying steed is this: People can do whatever They wanna do.
You know, we don't Live in communist china.
You know ? I'm not gonna tell her, "Hey, this is a bad guy With a rap sheet.
" "This is a guy Who's, you know, An attempted arsonist, A repeat b & e.
" You know, Is that my place to say, "Hey, this guy was Wanted on "statch" A couple years back ?" "Hey, this guy, y'know, Shot his cousin Y'know, back in '81 ?" No, listen, people Can do whatever they want This isn't communist china.
Sheriff's department.
Sheriff's department, sir.
Who's is it ? Sheriff's department !Partment ! Hi, can i help you ? Yeah, you can help us.
Uh, look, we're Shooting a movie right now.
This is really Not the best time.
We're gonna wrap, probably, In about 10, 15 minutes If you guys wanna grab a soda Or something like that-- Sir, we've been Getting some noise, Uh, complaints from Suite #4, here.
Yeah, you have been, Because there have been a lot Of people knocking on my door And we are shooting-- We're shooting vérité, I'm not sure if you're Familiar with that term But that means real.
And you know What's not real ? Is a couple of knuckleheads F-- with my movie.
Okay, you know What's real, sir ? Is we're gonna come inside 'Cause your checkout time is 12 And it's now So, uh, that's real now, We're gonna come in.
Uh, okay, fine.
Cut ! Uh, some people from The police department Would like to see what a real movie is all about.
This is art, all right ? Do you understand Where i live ? I live in america ! And in america, You can do what you want And the nazis can't come inside And f-- with your film.
Don't you slap-- Greased pig ! It's love oil ! Son of a bitch ! Oh, say can you see-- Don't you Sing the anthem ! By the dawn's Early light-- Don't you sing The anthem, sir ! What's so proud-- No, don't you Sing the anthem ! Damn, this cowboy's Like a-- Yeah, Say it, say it ! Say it ! No, i'm fat.
I'm a fat f-- No, you're not fat.
No.
No, i'm not ? No, you're not fat.
I'm not fat, really ? Look at me, Are you blind ?! I'm as big as a house ! ( Groaning ) Okay, i'll rent the room.
I'll rent the room For another day-- No.
Okay ? We're not negotiating Anymore, sir.
Oop-- no, no, ho ! ( Growling ) So long, Everybody back to one ! Yeah, reno 11, Charlie 51.
Send the fire department Over to the desert sands-- ( Whistles ) He's got your stick.
( Bleep ) you, ( Bleep ) you two times-- What, what ? Oh, you want this-- ooh.
Oh, ( bleep ) ! Get off ! Clemmy and i met At a g-e-d class.
It's graduate equivalent Degree diploma.
And he passed me a note.
Graduate equivalency degree, You got it right the first time.
Degree Uh, i passed her a note-- Passed me a note, it said, "I think you're hot.
" And i passed him A note and i said, "I don't need you To tell me that.
" I am planning a Bachelorette party for you.
Strippers All right.
You have a preference ? Black, white ? I like 'em all.
I like black, I like white I like black.
Just don't get me any Pacific islanders.
I don't get it, I don't get that.
Okay, hi, gang.
Uh, my name is Lieutenant jim dangle And this is my associate, Deputy travis junior.
We're from the Reno sheriff's department.
And today we're gonna talk About a scary and deadly And dangerous drug That's out on the streets.
It's a killer, it's a plague That's sweeping the nation And it's called "Crystal methamphetamine".
Crystal methamphetamine is A terrible, terrible drug And it does a lot of Terrible things to ya-- ( Strums guitar ) And we're gonna Talk about some of those Terrible things it does to you But in a kind of a fun way.
So follow along, and As soon as you know the words Sing along right with me.
You can monkey with a gibbon You can fiddle with a bow But before you Snort that crystal meth There's some things that You should know Meth is made From antihistamines In basement labs It's cooked And possession is a felony Which means That you'll get booked With a snort It zips right up your nose And eats away your brain It kills your sense of Good and evil And it Makes you go insane Here we go ( Together ) * So don't meth with Meth, beth * Don't meth With meth, seth Don't meth with meth Gwyneth Don't meth With crystal meth Any questions ? We got another, uh, Uh, any requests ? Anybody ? I know some rush And i know a lot of floyd.
Hello.
How you doin', Today, ma'am ? Hi, i'm terrific, How are you guys doin' ? We're doin' good.
Just great.
Sorry for The holdup, guys.
It's all right.
I knew i held you up.
That's probably A crime, isn't it ? No, no problem But could you hurry it up ? 'Cause we got a lot Of crime to-- Can you believe, $9 for tacos ? I mean, that's highway Robbery, isn't it ? No, it's not bad, Actually.
highway robbery ? It's a fair price, Actually.
Here you go, guys.
Okay, got it-- Ohh Got it ? Yeah.
Hope it's not a crime To make you wait.
Not at all, ma'am, You have a good day.
Do i have taco In my teeth, huh ? No, i don't think so.
Bye-bye.
Kind of jittery, huh ? I've got a note here.
"Officer, there are Two armed men inside.
" I hope there's Two-armed men back there A one-armed guy's not gonna Be able to make a taco.
This here, actually, Is my plot.
Um, obviously, There's nobody in it yet But, god willing, There will be.
Hi, mom.
My mom started Collecting beanie babies About four years After she died.
I used to leave 'em out here.
In fact, i had a whole Collection for her.
She had a great Princess diana bear, Those are a fortune.
I had a hard time Getting her that one, She was really excited When i did finally get it.
Um, and i left him out here You know, thinking, This is a sacred place And uh Some nigger kid Took him, i think.
I have real dark skin.
My mom was real light skinned, She was an irish girl.
I have real dark skin 'Cause i was, apparently, So they say, i was raped.
Um, my mother was raped By an american indian.
She had gone on-- It was a-- Some sort of souvenir hunt In, uh, minnesota.
Wandered onto a reservation And boom, they raped her.
They're talkin' about Puttin' more, uh, Asian people in here ? And, uh, I put up a flyer, um, Of course, without my name on it Or any information, saying, Y'know, Let's try and keep-- In so many words, let's try And keep the asians out.
And i haven't Heard anything back But, then again, I didn't put my name or Any phone number on it, so.
I don't know How i would hear back.
( Garcia ) Hey, wait, the head, I gotta get down lower.
There we go-- medusa, And then i go up.
( Laughs ) Look at that, Pretty damn cool.
Oh, a man of mystery ! Oh, go away, You evil greek guy ! You have been curs-ed By the evil medusa.
You have been curs-ed ! Hey, how would it be if i Had to go to the bathroom ? ( All ) Whoo ! I have a speech that I would like to make.
Go girl ! Well, truth be told, This is the first party I've ever been invited to.
Aww I'm sorry for-- Shhh.
I don't know steed Very well.
But, my motto is, "Don't judge A book by its cover.
" Okay, girl ! Whoo ! I was waiting to tonight To tell you this, I decided this like A week ago, that, um Once you guys decide you Wanna have children, I will sleep with steed, For as many times as it takes To get me pregnant Until i give birth And give you that baby.
'Cause you deserve to be a mom, You really frickin' do-- I'm gonna tell you right now, White people are crazy.
Crazy and nasty.
I'm really excited that You guys are here today.
And that you don't feel like There's a competition.
Oh, no, Not at all-- It's not about a competition Because we know who The winner is in this room.
And it's the one who's Getting married.
Son of a bitch, this guy Is drunk as a skunk Or high as a kite.
Uh, friday night in reno.
Put your hands where I can see them ! Hands where I can see them ! Passenger, sit down.
God damn it, steed.
Steed, what the f-- Are you doing, man ? Dangle.
You been weaving All over the road You're driving like A crazy person.
Steed, step out of the Vehicle, will you, please ? Step on out, steed, God damn it.
What are you doing Tonight, steed ? Uh, peyote Mushrooms Right, right.
Some crystal meth You did what ? About 28 beers ? Don't, don't-- Okay, you got Some marijuana.
That is some Good ( bleep ).
Now, you know you can't-- What the ( bleep ), steed ? Steed, that's like A pound of marijuana.
You got a .
38-- No, no, steed-- Stop, stop Stop, stop You're overincriminating Yourself.
We don't have to See all this, We weren't even Gonna pat ya down.
God damn it, steed.
We're gonna pretend We didn't see that.
No, hand out of Your pocket ! Hand out of Your pocket ! God damn it, steed ! This is, uh What are you doin' ? That's brown heroin, This is, uh We weren't even Gonna search ya.
I didn't even wanna know what Was in your pocket, man.
Be sure and keep The cap on that.
You're gettin' married-- You're gettin' married Tomorrow.
You just don't know When to quit, do you ? I realize, I don't know when to-- I've got some problems.
Uh, going to the a.
A.
Twelve step ? You ain't doin' too good.
Which step is the Four pounds of marijuana ? Which step is that ? Steed, just cool off.
Freeze.
Travis ? No, we got him-- Travis, come here.
Don't go nowhere.
I, for one, Am not gonna be the guy Who takes clemmy's Husband-to-be in The night Before his nuptials.
I'm not gonna do it.
I'm not gonna do this To that woman.
We'll dump the stuff And let him go, okay ? We'll let him go ? We're not gonna Let him drive But we're gonna dump The stuff and let him go.
She ain't gonna do No better, you're right.
She ain't gonna do No better than steed.
He's no prize, But neither is she, come on.
Okay, steed, we talked it Over and i just wanna-- ( Bottle shatters ) Ohh ! God damn it, Are you-- steed ! Ahh ! Oh, my god, Remember what we-- What we did with this ? Oh, my gosh, I totally remember.
Don't give me attitude, I am the maid of honor-- ( Williams ) Yeah, i know who you are But this is my house I'm givin' the party ! Anybody want a-- anybody Want a hot cup of wang ? ( Banging on door ) Somebody at the door ! How i look ? ( All hollering ) It's the police ! Um, uh, is it A problem, officer ? Yes, we have A noise complaint.
Well, was we makin' Too much noise ? I don't think you was Makin' enough noise ! ( All hollering ) Yeah, baby ! I'm the bride ! Ladies, we are The men of mantasia.
You ready for some chocolate Caramel sticks ? You ready For some man meat ? Hold on, Hold on Jones ? Hi, trudy.
What you doin' here ? Moonlighting.
Listen, hey, i don't need you Lookin' at me that way, okay ? If you want another officer, Fine, i'll go, I need the money, okay ? No, no, no, no, no.
Jonesy, officer, darling I paid for three strippers, I'm gonna have Three strippers ! Let's get the party Started ! Let's get The party started ! Go jonesy, go jonesy, Go jonesy On the right, On the right ! Whooo ! Whoo, whoo, whoa ! Do babies need Their bottle ? ( All ) Ooh ! Oh ! Oh, yeah.
( All hollering ) ( Banjo playing ) ave maria gratia plena maria gratia plena ave, ave dominus dominus tecum Just wanna thank You all for coming out On this egregious occasion.
I'm a straight-shootin' cowboy, You all know that.
I've partied With many of you, Oftentimes 'til four a.
M.
Shootin' down shots of "jage".
Uh, clemmie, Love of my life.
Always wanna be in A semi-monogamous Relationship with you.
Uh, lookin' forward to it.
Uh Tits looks great.
That's all i got.
Clementine.
( Crying ) I love you, and um, When one dynamic person Meets another dynamic person It's like a whole Lot of dynamite.
And i promise that, um, I will stay in this marriage Until we both agree That we don't Wanna do it anymore.
I love you.
With this ring I don't know How it ends.
If there be any here, Whatsoever, Who knows of a reason That this man and woman Should not be joined In holy matrimony, Speak now, Or forever hold your peace.
Then, by the power vested in me By the state of nevada, I now pronounce you Husband and wife.
You may now-- Well, there ya go.
Whoo ! All right ! ( Cheering ) We're married ! ( Screaming ) They ain't gonna Make it, mm-mm.
Can we go, or what ? Yeah, let's go.
Hey, don't come at me With this attitude, Like, "i'm gonna judge.
" What i'm doing here Is none of your business But i got my cat, mr.
Paws And i'm gonna make sweet love To this young lady And mr.
Paws gonna watch 'cause That's an extension of myself.
And that's legal, Because that's my choice ! Girl, what happened to you, Did steed do this to you ? Yes, he did, but you should See what i did to him.
He's in the hospital with his Jaw wired shut, it's all good.
Oh, my god.
Are you all right ? I'm fine, i'm fine.
I mean, we forgot To get a license So we were never really Married, so, it's fine.
Clemmy's back and she's single And it's all good.
Captioned by Adolf hitler Was not gay, okay ? I heard that he was.
He loved wagner And he was gay.
He also had one ball, They say.
And, he was jewish.
Yeah, oh yeah.
And he had one ball I think.
That might be Just from the song.
No, he really Had one ball.
No, he only had one ball, it's In the museum of tolerance now.
No, it's not.
Hitler's ball ? Where else Would it be ? They put hitler's ball in The museum of tolerance ? You gotta know where to-- You gotta ask the fella And he'll let you In the back room.