Rescue Me s01e08 Episode Script
Inches
Battalion 1-5 to Manhattan, just arrived at tower one.
Plane has just hit the North Tower.
Help me! Help me! God Almighty.
Jerry, I need half of these guys on the 77th floor, and the other half on the 65th floor.
Tommy, you take your group, go up to 77.
Lou, you grab your guys and go up to 65.
Watch out for the jumpers.
Jesus.
Be careful.
All right.
Go.
Go.
Be careful.
Tommy! Give me a hand with this guy.
- Billy, hang on.
- Tommy! Tommy! Yeah? Yeah, chief? Take him out that door.
Let's wait outside.
Give me a hand over here, brothers? You got it.
You got it? I got it.
I got it.
I got it.
- Yeah? - It's Jimmy.
Where the hell did you go, man? We're trapped up here.
I'm coming.
Jimmy, I'm coming.
Aw, shit! I'm coming right now.
Jimmy! Move it, asshole! I got a life to live! Oh, you're some kind of tough guy, huh? Aah! You got something you want to say now, asshole? Ohh! Huh? I didn't think so.
Jerk-off! See you later.
INCHES No way.
Really? Yeah.
Well, eight and a teeny, tiny smidgen of a bit more.
- That's pretty good.
- Yeah.
- What are you guys talking about? - Nothing.
Eight and a smidgen of what? What? Oh, the other night I was watching TV.
There was nothing on, really, and I-- Cut to the chase.
Um, well, I got a hard-on, and I was looking at it and I was thinking about jerking off-- Would you cut to the chase? Well, there was a ruler on the table, and-- He measured his cock.
You measured your cock? And it was eight inches? Mine was seven and a half, almost.
His was eight.
Well, eight and a titch.
Hey.
What's a titch? It's about this much.
What are we talking about? They measured their Johnsons.
- What? - Yeah.
The probie's got seven and a half inches.
Garrity's got eight and a titch.
You ever measure your dick, Tommy? No.
You know, I get a hard-on, I'm usually too busy using it for the good of all mankind.
Lou? No.
What's up? Hey, Frank, what's up? Franco, how big is your dick? No, seriously.
Uh, I don't know.
I guess it's pretty normal size, I guess.
I mean exactly.
I have no idea.
So you never really measured it.
Well, yeah.
Maybe once when I was a kid, probably.
You two are severely retarded.
Oh, come on.
Probie said he measured his cock, and I'd never done it before, so he said he's seven and a half inches.
It made me kind of curious.
Turns out, eight and a titch.
- Oh, my God.
- Yeah.
It's pretty normal, Frank.
No, no, no.
I mean, Oh, my God.
Like, wow.
Those are seven and a half and eight inches? Yeah.
Eight and a titch.
What's a titch? Tah-dee! It's kind of like that.
Those are pretty big numbers, so to speak.
I was reading FHM the other day.
They said that the average cock is like six inches long.
We're huge! Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Before you two ponies start swinging your Johnsons around, answer one question for me.
Did you measure from the top or from the bottom? Ooh.
A little fly in the ointment.
Did you go by the undercarriage, underneath the ball sac out to the tip? Yeah, yeah.
We did.
Oh.
Well, then, you might as well been measuring from the base of your spine, because everybody gets at least an inch that way.
You got to go from the pubic bone to the tip.
Oh, no way.
That means I'm, like, six and a half.
- Almost.
- Shit.
I don't know if you're right about that, chief.
Been there, done this, boys.
Here.
I got 20 that starts "the biggest dick in the crew" contest.
Who wants in? You gonna measure yours? I haven't seen my feet in 10 years, not to mention my dick.
Chief, I got a question.
And I think I know what that question is, Firefighter Gavin.
- Really? - Girth? Exactly.
Wait.
What? Girth? - Circumference, asshole.
- Yeah.
That's going to be a completely different story.
I'm going to double the wager.
I'm with you.
Then we measure the length and the girth, and we combine it into a mathematical equation that Billy will figure out.
Wait.
Who cares about the--? Girth.
Girth.
Girtha Kitt.
Girth Brooks.
King Kong versus Girth.
Hey, Billy, you want in on "the biggest dick in the crew" contest? Not interested.
Come on, it'll be a lot of fun, Billy.
It'll be a ball, for crying out loud.
I said no already, goddamn it.
What about you, Franco? Yeah, I guess.
What are you worried about? Well, losing.
I don't think that this whole measuring from the top thing is really right, 'cause who invented that? - You lose an inch, it's not fair.
- From the pubic bone to the tip, 'cause that's all that enters the vagina.
From the pubic bone out to the tip.
Done.
What? Nothing.
I just never thought I'd hear you say the word "vagina.
" Vagina.
- Stop.
- Va-gina.
Come on, chief.
Stop.
Yeah? Can you get downers? Dad? I need some downers.
Real good, goddamn downers.
What the hell is all that screaming? Teddy brought a monkey home.
Where the hell do you get a monkey? Him and this guy from down in the Bronx Zoo bet the Yankees game.
Get down off that! Teddy won, and the guy's strapped for cash.
Now that goddamn thing is shitting all over the place.
Tried to bite me twice, the little prick.
Wow.
I need to slip him something so that he passes out, and I can get some peace and quiet.
Something strong.
What about the monkey? - Well, I'll give it a smaller dose.
- Dad Tommy Look, why don't I just come pick you up? Because I'm 72-years-old, and I'm supposed to be able to take care of myself.
Okay, okay.
Okay.
And don't tell anyone about the monkey.
Okay, okay.
A monkey? What? Who the hell are you? Hey, hey, hey! Oh, my God.
Jesus.
Hello? I wanted to warn you before you got home, but I got busy with the kids.
- Whose dog is it? - What, now? What do you mean, "now"? Oh, he's humorous.
Hey.
Katy said that you said that it was okay.
I never said that.
Anyway, he was only here a half hour, and he's already chewed up two pairs of shoes and pooped all over the living-room rug.
Well, I haven't checked my closet yet, but I'm way ahead of schedule in the shit department.
Listen, the dog is the least of our problems.
Colleen got suspended today, for, get this-- making out in the hallway.
That's against the rules now? With her girlfriend.
Yes! Tom? Yeah? Well, did you hear what I just said? Yeah.
Doesn't that shock you? Yeah.
I need you to come over here, because she won't listen to me.
No, no, no.
I can't.
I got that widows' dinner tonight with Sheila.
I'm a chaperone.
Your daughter might be engaging in lesbian activities.
Honey, look on the bright side, okay? Lesbians are big business right now.
If we teach her to golf, we're way ahead of the game.
Get over here now.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
All right.
Oh, yeah, daddy.
Hey.
Hey.
So, um your mother's telling me, that, uh-- Dad, I have a girlfriend, okay? Like, what's the big deal? I mean, you're the one who always told us we could never judge people by the color of their skin, not to jump to conclusions about people, and how I can always come and tell you anything because the one thing that you wouldn't put up with was me lying or, like, being dishonest, right? Yeah.
So I'm being honest.
Okay? I have a girlfriend who I really, really, really like and who's really, really smart.
Getting in trouble for kissing in the hallways when there are kids, like, having sex in the stairwells.
- It's a joke.
- It's a travesty.
What? It's wrong.
What, the "me having a girlfriend" thing or the "kids having sex in the hallways" thing? No, no, no.
The whole, you know, injustice thing.
They shouldn't be persecuting you.
Really? Yeah.
You should be free to be who you are.
That's why your grandparents came to this country, so you could be a lesbian if you wanted to be.
They did? Kinda.
I mean, it was, you know Yeah.
So you're not mad? No, no.
No, honey.
No.
Not at all.
Oh, Daddy.
Well, it's official.
She's gone lesbo.
- What? - Yeah.
I'm sure it's just a phase.
I mean, you know, you kissed a couple of girls - in high school, right? So - No, I didn't.
Oh, you didn't.
I thought you did.
I guess that was just wishful thinking on my part.
Anyways, we should have stocked up on k.
d.
lang albums.
By the way, I'm getting rid of the dog.
You can't.
Katy's in love with him.
Oh! Jesus.
Uh! Okay.
Seven.
Jesus.
I lost a whole inch.
This "measuring from the top" shit sucks.
Oh, yeah.
You are much more my type, sweetheart.
Okay.
Okay.
Oh, God, yeah, baby! Yeah, baby! Oh, God! Look at the size of that thing.
It's gotta be eight inches.
Okay.
Ha-ha! Ohh.
Garrity? Hey, chief.
Hello? Hey, uh, China, it's Franco.
How you doing, baby? Oh.
Long time no see, big boy.
Yeah, yeah.
Listen, I'm going to cut to the chase.
You remember that thing that you, uh, wanted to put on my--? My thing that night? Oh, yes, I do.
Yeah.
Well, you said it'd let me stay hard for what-- For as long as you keep it on.
Yeah.
That's what I thought.
Hey, listen, you busy tonight? No, I'm never too busy for you, baby.
That's what I like to hear.
Sheil? You ready? Hey.
What's wrong? Mmm.
Mmm.
Damian's dealing drugs.
What? Mmm.
Mmm.
I like this game.
What do I have to do to win? I'm not kidding.
Holy shit.
Oh, my God.
He's upstairs.
I can hear him.
He's tearing his room apart right now.
I'll go talk to him.
Looking for something, asshole? Those aren't mine.
Yeah, that's gonna fly.
If your dad was here right now, you wouldn't see your next goddamn birthday, okay? This stops here.
Fine.
Is this everything? Yep.
Really? I'll tear this goddamn room apart right now.
Hold on.
There.
Anything else? That's everything.
What are you going to do with it? Oh, I'm opening a little pharmacy on my front lawn.
What do you think I'm going to do? I'm confiscating it, okay? You're lucky your dad ain't alive, 'cause I'll tell you what Let me ask you something.
Any of these things downers? Why? What do you mean why? Just answer the question.
Yeah.
The roofies.
These ones? Okay.
What about these? This is Ketamine.
It's an animal tranquilizer.
What about these? Those are Adderall.
What does that do? Well, they speed things up.
Okay.
Cool.
All right.
Thanks, man.
By the way, I catch you a second time, I call the cops, you little shit.
This This ain't the way to the hall.
I know.
I gotta make a quick stop at my Uncle Teddy's house.
Okay, let's put it on now.
Hey, you know, what, baby, let's just forget about the contest.
I'm enjoying this too much.
No, no.
I kind of want to know myself now just how big it is.
All right.
Ow.
It's a little snug.
Ow! Almost there.
Aah! Don't go in there, I gotta use that! Sheila! Sheila, come in.
Come in, come in.
Come in.
You filthy little son of a bitch! You keep screaming, I'll stick a banana right up your ass! Sheil! Come here, give me a hug! Hi, Uncle Teddy.
I'm gonna talk to my dad for a second in the kitchen.
Yeah, sure.
Boy, you look great! You see what I'm talking about? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I brought help.
Here you go.
Ooh.
Oh, shit.
Yeah.
These are called roofies.
They're like a date-rape drug.
Give him a couple of those, it should knock him right out.
What's this? That's an animal tranquilizer.
Is that for the monkey? I guess it'd work on the monkey too, yeah.
Oh, my God.
Franco Almost five inches.
Is that good? Five inches around.
Most guys are lucky to be that long.
Wow.
Well, let's check the length on that and then get this thing off.
It's feeling kind of bizarre.
Okay.
Hang on.
Bullshit contest.
Instead of guys being so concerned about the size of their penis, they should just check their ego at the door and learn how to use whatever God gave them.
You know? What? What's wrong? Nine inches.
What? Yeah.
I knew it was big, but Nine inches? Yeah.
Yeah! That's what I'm talking about, baby! Ha ha! What? Oh, I know.
Thank you so much.
Okay, thanks.
Sheila, Tommy! - Hi! How are you? - Hi! Good.
How are you? - Great, great.
- Hey, how are you? How are you doing? Good.
Honey, you so deserve this trip.
That's what Bobby's mother said.
It's you and your mom and the kids, right? Family cruise, how perfect is that? I know, I know.
I really got to get away.
I know.
Tommy.
Hey, Gloria, how are you? I'm good.
Gloria.
Sheil.
Um, I'm going to go say hi to Maddie's mom.
Uh, you know what? I checked with the kitchen, and the food'll be out in 15 minutes.
Oh, thanks, Glo.
You want to get a drink? Yeah.
Sure.
So, uh, how you doing? Good.
I'm pretty good.
How you feeling? Surrounded by sad bereaved ladies? I don't know.
I think everybody seems to be having a pretty good time.
Yeah? Do you like sad ladies? Huh? - Double vodka on the rocks.
- For you, sir? I'll have just a water, please.
Thanks.
Word has it you're seeing Sheila.
What? I'm here as a-- As a chaperone.
Okay? Official business.
It's okay if you're seeing her.
Do you want to see her? Glo, she was married to my cousin.
I know.
Answer the question.
No.
P-pull harder.
It's stuck! What? No, it can't be stuck.
Look, I don't know.
We tried water, butter-- No.
No more butter.
Okay? I don't know what else to do.
Okay.
Okay.
Um We're just going to have to wait, okay? Until it, uh Until it goes away.
Well, it's not going to go away, baby.
The blood is trapped inside of your penis your very big and inviting-- Hey, stop.
Come on, baby.
Not now, China.
Okay? Well, then we're going to have to call 911.
What? No.
No, no.
You got any better ideas? You know what? Give me that phone.
Listen to me, Tommy.
I'm a widow.
I'm sad, I'm lonely, I'm in need of some carnal bliss.
You're a good-looking guy with a shitty marriage, plus you're a chaperone.
You should be all over me.
Look, Gloria, the chaperone thing is pretty much, you know, an official position.
It's an honorary thing.
I don't-- Make me feel like I'm 17 again, Tommy.
What? Take me.
Take me home and have me.
- Gloria-- - Tommy.
Glo.
Tommy.
Well? I gotta go.
Yeah.
Here.
What? Hey, uh, Lou it's Franco.
Yeah, what's going on? You sound all fartootst.
Uh, yeah.
Listen, buddy.
I need a favor.
Hi.
We got to go.
Mm-mm-mm.
We're having a good time.
You can get a ride from Maddie, right? Yeah.
All right.
I'll see you later.
Okay Hey, Franco, remember that time we found that big, fat black broad handcuffed to the bed up at the fire on 127th Street? Yeah.
Those were her wrists.
This is my dick, Lou.
Yeah.
Your, uh Your apparently contest-winning dick, Franco.
I'm gonna need something non-flammable on top here.
This thing's going to give off a lot of heat and friction.
I don't want to have any scarring or burning or, uh I'm just gonna stop talking now, Franco, okay? Be a man.
Yeah? What kind of pills did you give me? Why? He's been talking all night and dancing.
He called up and ordered five escort girls.
He's high as a kite and ready to go all night.
What about the monkey? Well, his heart's racing a mile a minute and, uh I've been giving him shooters.
Shit, I must have grabbed the uppers instead of the downers.
You know what? Go to the animal tranqs.
Should I double the dose? Yeah, and then call me back.
Franco, stop flinching! I'm trying, Lou! Hey, look, you've already been circumcised once.
I don't want to do it again.
Oh, it burns! Oh, yeah! Oh, God! Aah! Aah! We're good.
I don't want to catch on fire again.
Hey, Tom.
Hey.
What are you doing? Nothing.
Um Just, uh You know, lighting a couple of candles.
Saying a prayer.
Oh, yeah.
For who? Uh Nobody.
You know, just You know, we For better or for worse, we got security cameras all over the doors and entrances.
Drunks, vandals, whatever.
I know for a fact you've been in here four times this past month.
So, what's up? You a big believer in God again? No.
I didn't think so.
So what is it? I, uh I think I believe in the candles.
You know, the whole David Blaine, David Copperfield aspect of being a Catholic.
Ahh.
Fill me in.
The Resurrection, the Immaculate Conception, the whole "walking on water" thing, the thing where Jesus feeds 10,000 people with one loaf of bread and the fish.
You know, when I was a kid, that magic stuff used to make me laugh my ass off, but now I think I get it, you know, I think God makes things disappear.
Sometimes it's honest, decent, hard-working people, and sometimes it's ghosts.
Now, I think God, uh led me here.
You all right? You got a cat? Yeah.
Strays wander in every once in a while.
Why? Oh, nothing.
All right.
Well, I got to get going.
See you around.
Yeah.
Hey.
Call me.
Yeah.
Um horse whisperer.
No.
Long Dong Silver! Now, off with the robe! Whoa! How you feeling, Ted? I'm kicking her ass in strip charades.
I'm drunk, I'm high.
I've never felt better.
You ought to worry about that monkey.
I haven't heard a peep out of him in a half an hour.
Okay.
Um a movie.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! You still in here, you little crazy bastard? Teddy? Oh, is he all right? Is he breathing? I don't know.
Oh, my God.
Do you think he's dead? Nah.
He just finally hit the wall.
I'm pretty sure the monkey's dead, though.
When he comes to, tell him I took his car.
Nothing on the girth, huh, Sean? Uh no.
Yeah, this sucks.
It's all about the girth, my friend.
There you go.
Wow.
Big numbers on a small piece of paper.
Probie, girth, two and a half.
I got magic markers bigger than that.
Well, maybe I was doing it wrong.
Circumference.
All the way around.
No.
I did it right.
Licorice stick.
Hey, Franco! You got some winning numbers for me? Uh, yeah.
Length, nine.
Girth, four and a half.
Oh, uh, four and three quarters.
What was that? Long story.
Or wide, actually, depending on how you look it.
Who wants a dog? A dog? Like a pet dog? No.
A hotdog, asshole.
Battalion 1-5 to Manhattan.
Transmit a second alarm.
I'm going to need an additional engine.
Tommy, get up to that second floor, the northeast exposure.
I think the squat is up there.
Lou, be careful.
This thing's going to light up like a matchbox.
Battalion 1-5 to Manhattan, transmit a second alarm.
Gimme a tap.
All right.
Move back.
All right.
Stay close.
Okay.
Ready? Yeah.
Stay close.
Tommy! Tommy! Tommy! Tommy! Second floor.
Ladies' lingerie.
Tommy! - Tommy! - Probie, what's up? The ceiling collapsed.
Tommy's in there! We got to get to him! He's trapped! Come on.
I know another way.
- Further down the hallway.
- Tommy! I know this building.
Come on.
Come with me.
Shit.
Goddamn it, where's the door? - Tommy! - Hey.
Tommy! Tommy! We're going in.
I'm over here.
Over here, Tommy.
Over here.
Tommy! What do you got? It's a girl squatter.
Probie, come on! You got her? Yeah, we got her, Tommy.
Grab the wrist.
We got a window over here.
All right, now drag her out.
Get her, get her.
Michael, I got a 10-45 coming to the window.
Move her, move her.
Tommy, I'm going to do a quick sweep.
Be careful.
It's shit in there, man.
Stay around the edges.
I got it, Tom.
It's going to be fine.
Come on, asshole.
Hurry up.
Let's get out of here.
Billy! Down! Get ready to move that line in.
Tommy and Billy are still in here.
Well, let's get her out first, kid.
Billy! Billy! I'm here.
Hey, what do you got? Hold on, I got someone.
Hurry up! Careful, careful.
Just take her.
- I got her.
- All right.
I got her.
All right.
All right, all right.
Billy! Bill! Billy! Shit! Hey, somebody grab her.
Hey, did Billy come out? No, he was with you.
The floor collapsed.
He dropped right in front of me.
Mayday, mayday! Battalion 1-5, everybody stay off the air! We all knew Billy Warren as a firefighter's firefighter.
He knew every building in this district like the back of his hand.
He was a brave, brave man.
Now, Billy left specific instructions if he should be killed in the line of duty.
He didn't want a large funeral mass or burial.
He also wanted his ex-wife to come and speak in his memory.
Hello.
My name is Sandra Warren.
Billy and I were only married for six weeks about five years ago, because I discovered that three weeks into our marriage, he was having an affair with his old girlfriend, Mary.
Mary? Oh.
There she is.
Stand up, Mare.
Go ahead.
You see, Billy didn't really love me, or Mary.
He loved you guys.
Oh, I heard these names a lot-- Tommy, Jerry, Lou, Franco.
Stand up, guys.
Well, it's nice to connect the names to the faces.
A lot of you guys would never admit that you feel closer to the guys in the firehouse than you do to your own wives or kids.
We all see you as heroic and brave, as if you were not mere mortals, but that's what you are.
When someone sets fire to you, you burn the same way that the people you're trying to save do.
And if you choose to get married, and you choose to start a family, you owe us something too.
And I'm not going to miss him, because I wrote Billy out of my life the day I found out he was still seeing Mary behind my back.
Thank you.
Thanks, kid.
Here you go, boys.
Thanks, chief.
To Billy.
You know what? Never mind that.
How about these two broads? I mean, they're both a 12 on a scale from one to 10.
- Tommy, can I talk to you for a second? - What's up? There's a rumor going around that you've been doing some widow-banging.
- What? - Yeah.
That you took some chick named Gloria home from the widows' ball the other night, Captain Chaperone? No.
No.
Absolute bullshit.
Okay.
Listen, Tommy, I'm not trying to get in your personal business, but you better watch your ass.
The wives are talking, the widows are talking.
Worst of all, a lot of guys see widow-banging as a breach of certain unwritten rules.
- I know, I know.
- Hey, want a drink? Yeah.
Uh, no, no.
So that whole thing with Gloria was bullshit? She's nuts.
What about the drinking thing? What? I put two and two together.
The boys in the crew don't know that you quit drinking? I quit drinking in front of family so that Janet would think I really quit drinking so that she'd get back together again with me, but I didn't tell the guys at work because I didn't want them to think it was like a sign of weakness or that I, you know, I was having some kind of sudden change like I was losing it.
Plus, it allowed me to keep drinking while I was going to AA.
To fool Janet.
Ohh.
Yeah, but the thing is I really haven't had a drink in, like, two weeks 'cause I've been taking these great pills.
Oh.
Yeah.
So Gloria's nuts.
You want to talk? Yeah.
Come in.
I think that you should have a drink.
Sheil Tom.
- Sheil - Come on.
No.
I'm serious.
I have had a lot of wine, and you have had nothing.
That puts us on uneven playing fields.
What's that supposed to mean? Tommy Come on.
You know what? I've been thinking about this, and I think the whole thing with Gloria just made it kind of clear to me in my head.
I don't think it's a good idea.
Okay? I mean, the guys frown on it because, you know, it's-- It's fooling around with widows, and the widows frown on it.
I don't think anybody thinks-- - I don't care.
- I do.
I can't meet anybody.
I can't get Jimmy out of my mind.
He's always there, and you are the closest thing I have to him.
You're sweet you're funny and you're here.
Right now.
Right here.
Christ, you lost Jimmy.
You just lost Billy Warren.
I mean, how long do you think all of us have? Today is what we have.
Tonight, Tommy.
This is what we have! What are you looking for? What are you doing? Take it easy, Tommy.
Ahh.
That's what you wanted, right? Huh? Ahh.
That good enough for you? Huh? That what you wanted? Huh, little girl? Huh? Huh? You know this is bad, right? Say it.
- It's bad.
- Say, "It's bad.
" It's so bad.
- Huh? - It's so bad.
Yeah.
Happy now? Huh? Huh? You know how wrong this is? - Yeah.
- Huh? - Yeah.
- Yeah? Ahh! Ah! Ahh! Ohh.
Yeah.
Get up.
Get up.
Ohh! Ooh! Oh, yeah.
Mmm! Ohh.
Oh! Yeah, Sheila.
Hmm Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
I want you to go into the kitchen Yeah? And pour me another nice tall whiskey.
But you're still aroused.
Mm-hmm.
- You didn't finish.
- Nope.
Plenty of time for that.
Now, go get me that whiskey.
Go ahead.
I can barely walk.
Ha ha ha ha ha! That was fun, right? Mm-hmm! You know what? This remote's broken.
I'm going to get it fixed for you.
Oh.
Okay.
I couldn't find a glass.
- You climbing back on? - Yeah.
- Ohh, my God.
- Yeah.
You like that? Yeah.
Mm-hmm.
Oh, shit.
What? What's wrong? - I got-- - What? - I gotta go.
- No.
- I gotta go.
- No! - Yes.
- Mom? Oh, my God.
Careful, careful.
Here.
Take that.
Your top, your top.
Hey, guys, check it out.
Picture of Billy in The Post today.
What's this? That mark on the top is the length and the mark on the bottom is the width.
I couldn't get the girth.
Hey, Billy, huh? Yeah.
"Biggest dick in the house" contest is over, folks.
Kiss the ring.
Forget about Franco and his nine and four and three quarters.
Why is that? Well, remember how shocked we all were at how attractive Billy's ex-wife and his girlfriend were? Yeah.
Well, I talked to the ex-wife and told her how great her speech was, told her how much we all love Billy and told her we were having this little contest, blah blah blah blah blah, and as it turns out, Billy was packing 10.
No way.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Nice work, Bill.
What's with the remote? Um Broken.
Jim? Looks like it's you and me, asshole.
Plane has just hit the North Tower.
Help me! Help me! God Almighty.
Jerry, I need half of these guys on the 77th floor, and the other half on the 65th floor.
Tommy, you take your group, go up to 77.
Lou, you grab your guys and go up to 65.
Watch out for the jumpers.
Jesus.
Be careful.
All right.
Go.
Go.
Be careful.
Tommy! Give me a hand with this guy.
- Billy, hang on.
- Tommy! Tommy! Yeah? Yeah, chief? Take him out that door.
Let's wait outside.
Give me a hand over here, brothers? You got it.
You got it? I got it.
I got it.
I got it.
- Yeah? - It's Jimmy.
Where the hell did you go, man? We're trapped up here.
I'm coming.
Jimmy, I'm coming.
Aw, shit! I'm coming right now.
Jimmy! Move it, asshole! I got a life to live! Oh, you're some kind of tough guy, huh? Aah! You got something you want to say now, asshole? Ohh! Huh? I didn't think so.
Jerk-off! See you later.
INCHES No way.
Really? Yeah.
Well, eight and a teeny, tiny smidgen of a bit more.
- That's pretty good.
- Yeah.
- What are you guys talking about? - Nothing.
Eight and a smidgen of what? What? Oh, the other night I was watching TV.
There was nothing on, really, and I-- Cut to the chase.
Um, well, I got a hard-on, and I was looking at it and I was thinking about jerking off-- Would you cut to the chase? Well, there was a ruler on the table, and-- He measured his cock.
You measured your cock? And it was eight inches? Mine was seven and a half, almost.
His was eight.
Well, eight and a titch.
Hey.
What's a titch? It's about this much.
What are we talking about? They measured their Johnsons.
- What? - Yeah.
The probie's got seven and a half inches.
Garrity's got eight and a titch.
You ever measure your dick, Tommy? No.
You know, I get a hard-on, I'm usually too busy using it for the good of all mankind.
Lou? No.
What's up? Hey, Frank, what's up? Franco, how big is your dick? No, seriously.
Uh, I don't know.
I guess it's pretty normal size, I guess.
I mean exactly.
I have no idea.
So you never really measured it.
Well, yeah.
Maybe once when I was a kid, probably.
You two are severely retarded.
Oh, come on.
Probie said he measured his cock, and I'd never done it before, so he said he's seven and a half inches.
It made me kind of curious.
Turns out, eight and a titch.
- Oh, my God.
- Yeah.
It's pretty normal, Frank.
No, no, no.
I mean, Oh, my God.
Like, wow.
Those are seven and a half and eight inches? Yeah.
Eight and a titch.
What's a titch? Tah-dee! It's kind of like that.
Those are pretty big numbers, so to speak.
I was reading FHM the other day.
They said that the average cock is like six inches long.
We're huge! Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Before you two ponies start swinging your Johnsons around, answer one question for me.
Did you measure from the top or from the bottom? Ooh.
A little fly in the ointment.
Did you go by the undercarriage, underneath the ball sac out to the tip? Yeah, yeah.
We did.
Oh.
Well, then, you might as well been measuring from the base of your spine, because everybody gets at least an inch that way.
You got to go from the pubic bone to the tip.
Oh, no way.
That means I'm, like, six and a half.
- Almost.
- Shit.
I don't know if you're right about that, chief.
Been there, done this, boys.
Here.
I got 20 that starts "the biggest dick in the crew" contest.
Who wants in? You gonna measure yours? I haven't seen my feet in 10 years, not to mention my dick.
Chief, I got a question.
And I think I know what that question is, Firefighter Gavin.
- Really? - Girth? Exactly.
Wait.
What? Girth? - Circumference, asshole.
- Yeah.
That's going to be a completely different story.
I'm going to double the wager.
I'm with you.
Then we measure the length and the girth, and we combine it into a mathematical equation that Billy will figure out.
Wait.
Who cares about the--? Girth.
Girth.
Girtha Kitt.
Girth Brooks.
King Kong versus Girth.
Hey, Billy, you want in on "the biggest dick in the crew" contest? Not interested.
Come on, it'll be a lot of fun, Billy.
It'll be a ball, for crying out loud.
I said no already, goddamn it.
What about you, Franco? Yeah, I guess.
What are you worried about? Well, losing.
I don't think that this whole measuring from the top thing is really right, 'cause who invented that? - You lose an inch, it's not fair.
- From the pubic bone to the tip, 'cause that's all that enters the vagina.
From the pubic bone out to the tip.
Done.
What? Nothing.
I just never thought I'd hear you say the word "vagina.
" Vagina.
- Stop.
- Va-gina.
Come on, chief.
Stop.
Yeah? Can you get downers? Dad? I need some downers.
Real good, goddamn downers.
What the hell is all that screaming? Teddy brought a monkey home.
Where the hell do you get a monkey? Him and this guy from down in the Bronx Zoo bet the Yankees game.
Get down off that! Teddy won, and the guy's strapped for cash.
Now that goddamn thing is shitting all over the place.
Tried to bite me twice, the little prick.
Wow.
I need to slip him something so that he passes out, and I can get some peace and quiet.
Something strong.
What about the monkey? - Well, I'll give it a smaller dose.
- Dad Tommy Look, why don't I just come pick you up? Because I'm 72-years-old, and I'm supposed to be able to take care of myself.
Okay, okay.
Okay.
And don't tell anyone about the monkey.
Okay, okay.
A monkey? What? Who the hell are you? Hey, hey, hey! Oh, my God.
Jesus.
Hello? I wanted to warn you before you got home, but I got busy with the kids.
- Whose dog is it? - What, now? What do you mean, "now"? Oh, he's humorous.
Hey.
Katy said that you said that it was okay.
I never said that.
Anyway, he was only here a half hour, and he's already chewed up two pairs of shoes and pooped all over the living-room rug.
Well, I haven't checked my closet yet, but I'm way ahead of schedule in the shit department.
Listen, the dog is the least of our problems.
Colleen got suspended today, for, get this-- making out in the hallway.
That's against the rules now? With her girlfriend.
Yes! Tom? Yeah? Well, did you hear what I just said? Yeah.
Doesn't that shock you? Yeah.
I need you to come over here, because she won't listen to me.
No, no, no.
I can't.
I got that widows' dinner tonight with Sheila.
I'm a chaperone.
Your daughter might be engaging in lesbian activities.
Honey, look on the bright side, okay? Lesbians are big business right now.
If we teach her to golf, we're way ahead of the game.
Get over here now.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
All right.
Oh, yeah, daddy.
Hey.
Hey.
So, um your mother's telling me, that, uh-- Dad, I have a girlfriend, okay? Like, what's the big deal? I mean, you're the one who always told us we could never judge people by the color of their skin, not to jump to conclusions about people, and how I can always come and tell you anything because the one thing that you wouldn't put up with was me lying or, like, being dishonest, right? Yeah.
So I'm being honest.
Okay? I have a girlfriend who I really, really, really like and who's really, really smart.
Getting in trouble for kissing in the hallways when there are kids, like, having sex in the stairwells.
- It's a joke.
- It's a travesty.
What? It's wrong.
What, the "me having a girlfriend" thing or the "kids having sex in the hallways" thing? No, no, no.
The whole, you know, injustice thing.
They shouldn't be persecuting you.
Really? Yeah.
You should be free to be who you are.
That's why your grandparents came to this country, so you could be a lesbian if you wanted to be.
They did? Kinda.
I mean, it was, you know Yeah.
So you're not mad? No, no.
No, honey.
No.
Not at all.
Oh, Daddy.
Well, it's official.
She's gone lesbo.
- What? - Yeah.
I'm sure it's just a phase.
I mean, you know, you kissed a couple of girls - in high school, right? So - No, I didn't.
Oh, you didn't.
I thought you did.
I guess that was just wishful thinking on my part.
Anyways, we should have stocked up on k.
d.
lang albums.
By the way, I'm getting rid of the dog.
You can't.
Katy's in love with him.
Oh! Jesus.
Uh! Okay.
Seven.
Jesus.
I lost a whole inch.
This "measuring from the top" shit sucks.
Oh, yeah.
You are much more my type, sweetheart.
Okay.
Okay.
Oh, God, yeah, baby! Yeah, baby! Oh, God! Look at the size of that thing.
It's gotta be eight inches.
Okay.
Ha-ha! Ohh.
Garrity? Hey, chief.
Hello? Hey, uh, China, it's Franco.
How you doing, baby? Oh.
Long time no see, big boy.
Yeah, yeah.
Listen, I'm going to cut to the chase.
You remember that thing that you, uh, wanted to put on my--? My thing that night? Oh, yes, I do.
Yeah.
Well, you said it'd let me stay hard for what-- For as long as you keep it on.
Yeah.
That's what I thought.
Hey, listen, you busy tonight? No, I'm never too busy for you, baby.
That's what I like to hear.
Sheil? You ready? Hey.
What's wrong? Mmm.
Mmm.
Damian's dealing drugs.
What? Mmm.
Mmm.
I like this game.
What do I have to do to win? I'm not kidding.
Holy shit.
Oh, my God.
He's upstairs.
I can hear him.
He's tearing his room apart right now.
I'll go talk to him.
Looking for something, asshole? Those aren't mine.
Yeah, that's gonna fly.
If your dad was here right now, you wouldn't see your next goddamn birthday, okay? This stops here.
Fine.
Is this everything? Yep.
Really? I'll tear this goddamn room apart right now.
Hold on.
There.
Anything else? That's everything.
What are you going to do with it? Oh, I'm opening a little pharmacy on my front lawn.
What do you think I'm going to do? I'm confiscating it, okay? You're lucky your dad ain't alive, 'cause I'll tell you what Let me ask you something.
Any of these things downers? Why? What do you mean why? Just answer the question.
Yeah.
The roofies.
These ones? Okay.
What about these? This is Ketamine.
It's an animal tranquilizer.
What about these? Those are Adderall.
What does that do? Well, they speed things up.
Okay.
Cool.
All right.
Thanks, man.
By the way, I catch you a second time, I call the cops, you little shit.
This This ain't the way to the hall.
I know.
I gotta make a quick stop at my Uncle Teddy's house.
Okay, let's put it on now.
Hey, you know, what, baby, let's just forget about the contest.
I'm enjoying this too much.
No, no.
I kind of want to know myself now just how big it is.
All right.
Ow.
It's a little snug.
Ow! Almost there.
Aah! Don't go in there, I gotta use that! Sheila! Sheila, come in.
Come in, come in.
Come in.
You filthy little son of a bitch! You keep screaming, I'll stick a banana right up your ass! Sheil! Come here, give me a hug! Hi, Uncle Teddy.
I'm gonna talk to my dad for a second in the kitchen.
Yeah, sure.
Boy, you look great! You see what I'm talking about? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I brought help.
Here you go.
Ooh.
Oh, shit.
Yeah.
These are called roofies.
They're like a date-rape drug.
Give him a couple of those, it should knock him right out.
What's this? That's an animal tranquilizer.
Is that for the monkey? I guess it'd work on the monkey too, yeah.
Oh, my God.
Franco Almost five inches.
Is that good? Five inches around.
Most guys are lucky to be that long.
Wow.
Well, let's check the length on that and then get this thing off.
It's feeling kind of bizarre.
Okay.
Hang on.
Bullshit contest.
Instead of guys being so concerned about the size of their penis, they should just check their ego at the door and learn how to use whatever God gave them.
You know? What? What's wrong? Nine inches.
What? Yeah.
I knew it was big, but Nine inches? Yeah.
Yeah! That's what I'm talking about, baby! Ha ha! What? Oh, I know.
Thank you so much.
Okay, thanks.
Sheila, Tommy! - Hi! How are you? - Hi! Good.
How are you? - Great, great.
- Hey, how are you? How are you doing? Good.
Honey, you so deserve this trip.
That's what Bobby's mother said.
It's you and your mom and the kids, right? Family cruise, how perfect is that? I know, I know.
I really got to get away.
I know.
Tommy.
Hey, Gloria, how are you? I'm good.
Gloria.
Sheil.
Um, I'm going to go say hi to Maddie's mom.
Uh, you know what? I checked with the kitchen, and the food'll be out in 15 minutes.
Oh, thanks, Glo.
You want to get a drink? Yeah.
Sure.
So, uh, how you doing? Good.
I'm pretty good.
How you feeling? Surrounded by sad bereaved ladies? I don't know.
I think everybody seems to be having a pretty good time.
Yeah? Do you like sad ladies? Huh? - Double vodka on the rocks.
- For you, sir? I'll have just a water, please.
Thanks.
Word has it you're seeing Sheila.
What? I'm here as a-- As a chaperone.
Okay? Official business.
It's okay if you're seeing her.
Do you want to see her? Glo, she was married to my cousin.
I know.
Answer the question.
No.
P-pull harder.
It's stuck! What? No, it can't be stuck.
Look, I don't know.
We tried water, butter-- No.
No more butter.
Okay? I don't know what else to do.
Okay.
Okay.
Um We're just going to have to wait, okay? Until it, uh Until it goes away.
Well, it's not going to go away, baby.
The blood is trapped inside of your penis your very big and inviting-- Hey, stop.
Come on, baby.
Not now, China.
Okay? Well, then we're going to have to call 911.
What? No.
No, no.
You got any better ideas? You know what? Give me that phone.
Listen to me, Tommy.
I'm a widow.
I'm sad, I'm lonely, I'm in need of some carnal bliss.
You're a good-looking guy with a shitty marriage, plus you're a chaperone.
You should be all over me.
Look, Gloria, the chaperone thing is pretty much, you know, an official position.
It's an honorary thing.
I don't-- Make me feel like I'm 17 again, Tommy.
What? Take me.
Take me home and have me.
- Gloria-- - Tommy.
Glo.
Tommy.
Well? I gotta go.
Yeah.
Here.
What? Hey, uh, Lou it's Franco.
Yeah, what's going on? You sound all fartootst.
Uh, yeah.
Listen, buddy.
I need a favor.
Hi.
We got to go.
Mm-mm-mm.
We're having a good time.
You can get a ride from Maddie, right? Yeah.
All right.
I'll see you later.
Okay Hey, Franco, remember that time we found that big, fat black broad handcuffed to the bed up at the fire on 127th Street? Yeah.
Those were her wrists.
This is my dick, Lou.
Yeah.
Your, uh Your apparently contest-winning dick, Franco.
I'm gonna need something non-flammable on top here.
This thing's going to give off a lot of heat and friction.
I don't want to have any scarring or burning or, uh I'm just gonna stop talking now, Franco, okay? Be a man.
Yeah? What kind of pills did you give me? Why? He's been talking all night and dancing.
He called up and ordered five escort girls.
He's high as a kite and ready to go all night.
What about the monkey? Well, his heart's racing a mile a minute and, uh I've been giving him shooters.
Shit, I must have grabbed the uppers instead of the downers.
You know what? Go to the animal tranqs.
Should I double the dose? Yeah, and then call me back.
Franco, stop flinching! I'm trying, Lou! Hey, look, you've already been circumcised once.
I don't want to do it again.
Oh, it burns! Oh, yeah! Oh, God! Aah! Aah! We're good.
I don't want to catch on fire again.
Hey, Tom.
Hey.
What are you doing? Nothing.
Um Just, uh You know, lighting a couple of candles.
Saying a prayer.
Oh, yeah.
For who? Uh Nobody.
You know, just You know, we For better or for worse, we got security cameras all over the doors and entrances.
Drunks, vandals, whatever.
I know for a fact you've been in here four times this past month.
So, what's up? You a big believer in God again? No.
I didn't think so.
So what is it? I, uh I think I believe in the candles.
You know, the whole David Blaine, David Copperfield aspect of being a Catholic.
Ahh.
Fill me in.
The Resurrection, the Immaculate Conception, the whole "walking on water" thing, the thing where Jesus feeds 10,000 people with one loaf of bread and the fish.
You know, when I was a kid, that magic stuff used to make me laugh my ass off, but now I think I get it, you know, I think God makes things disappear.
Sometimes it's honest, decent, hard-working people, and sometimes it's ghosts.
Now, I think God, uh led me here.
You all right? You got a cat? Yeah.
Strays wander in every once in a while.
Why? Oh, nothing.
All right.
Well, I got to get going.
See you around.
Yeah.
Hey.
Call me.
Yeah.
Um horse whisperer.
No.
Long Dong Silver! Now, off with the robe! Whoa! How you feeling, Ted? I'm kicking her ass in strip charades.
I'm drunk, I'm high.
I've never felt better.
You ought to worry about that monkey.
I haven't heard a peep out of him in a half an hour.
Okay.
Um a movie.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! You still in here, you little crazy bastard? Teddy? Oh, is he all right? Is he breathing? I don't know.
Oh, my God.
Do you think he's dead? Nah.
He just finally hit the wall.
I'm pretty sure the monkey's dead, though.
When he comes to, tell him I took his car.
Nothing on the girth, huh, Sean? Uh no.
Yeah, this sucks.
It's all about the girth, my friend.
There you go.
Wow.
Big numbers on a small piece of paper.
Probie, girth, two and a half.
I got magic markers bigger than that.
Well, maybe I was doing it wrong.
Circumference.
All the way around.
No.
I did it right.
Licorice stick.
Hey, Franco! You got some winning numbers for me? Uh, yeah.
Length, nine.
Girth, four and a half.
Oh, uh, four and three quarters.
What was that? Long story.
Or wide, actually, depending on how you look it.
Who wants a dog? A dog? Like a pet dog? No.
A hotdog, asshole.
Battalion 1-5 to Manhattan.
Transmit a second alarm.
I'm going to need an additional engine.
Tommy, get up to that second floor, the northeast exposure.
I think the squat is up there.
Lou, be careful.
This thing's going to light up like a matchbox.
Battalion 1-5 to Manhattan, transmit a second alarm.
Gimme a tap.
All right.
Move back.
All right.
Stay close.
Okay.
Ready? Yeah.
Stay close.
Tommy! Tommy! Tommy! Tommy! Second floor.
Ladies' lingerie.
Tommy! - Tommy! - Probie, what's up? The ceiling collapsed.
Tommy's in there! We got to get to him! He's trapped! Come on.
I know another way.
- Further down the hallway.
- Tommy! I know this building.
Come on.
Come with me.
Shit.
Goddamn it, where's the door? - Tommy! - Hey.
Tommy! Tommy! We're going in.
I'm over here.
Over here, Tommy.
Over here.
Tommy! What do you got? It's a girl squatter.
Probie, come on! You got her? Yeah, we got her, Tommy.
Grab the wrist.
We got a window over here.
All right, now drag her out.
Get her, get her.
Michael, I got a 10-45 coming to the window.
Move her, move her.
Tommy, I'm going to do a quick sweep.
Be careful.
It's shit in there, man.
Stay around the edges.
I got it, Tom.
It's going to be fine.
Come on, asshole.
Hurry up.
Let's get out of here.
Billy! Down! Get ready to move that line in.
Tommy and Billy are still in here.
Well, let's get her out first, kid.
Billy! Billy! I'm here.
Hey, what do you got? Hold on, I got someone.
Hurry up! Careful, careful.
Just take her.
- I got her.
- All right.
I got her.
All right.
All right, all right.
Billy! Bill! Billy! Shit! Hey, somebody grab her.
Hey, did Billy come out? No, he was with you.
The floor collapsed.
He dropped right in front of me.
Mayday, mayday! Battalion 1-5, everybody stay off the air! We all knew Billy Warren as a firefighter's firefighter.
He knew every building in this district like the back of his hand.
He was a brave, brave man.
Now, Billy left specific instructions if he should be killed in the line of duty.
He didn't want a large funeral mass or burial.
He also wanted his ex-wife to come and speak in his memory.
Hello.
My name is Sandra Warren.
Billy and I were only married for six weeks about five years ago, because I discovered that three weeks into our marriage, he was having an affair with his old girlfriend, Mary.
Mary? Oh.
There she is.
Stand up, Mare.
Go ahead.
You see, Billy didn't really love me, or Mary.
He loved you guys.
Oh, I heard these names a lot-- Tommy, Jerry, Lou, Franco.
Stand up, guys.
Well, it's nice to connect the names to the faces.
A lot of you guys would never admit that you feel closer to the guys in the firehouse than you do to your own wives or kids.
We all see you as heroic and brave, as if you were not mere mortals, but that's what you are.
When someone sets fire to you, you burn the same way that the people you're trying to save do.
And if you choose to get married, and you choose to start a family, you owe us something too.
And I'm not going to miss him, because I wrote Billy out of my life the day I found out he was still seeing Mary behind my back.
Thank you.
Thanks, kid.
Here you go, boys.
Thanks, chief.
To Billy.
You know what? Never mind that.
How about these two broads? I mean, they're both a 12 on a scale from one to 10.
- Tommy, can I talk to you for a second? - What's up? There's a rumor going around that you've been doing some widow-banging.
- What? - Yeah.
That you took some chick named Gloria home from the widows' ball the other night, Captain Chaperone? No.
No.
Absolute bullshit.
Okay.
Listen, Tommy, I'm not trying to get in your personal business, but you better watch your ass.
The wives are talking, the widows are talking.
Worst of all, a lot of guys see widow-banging as a breach of certain unwritten rules.
- I know, I know.
- Hey, want a drink? Yeah.
Uh, no, no.
So that whole thing with Gloria was bullshit? She's nuts.
What about the drinking thing? What? I put two and two together.
The boys in the crew don't know that you quit drinking? I quit drinking in front of family so that Janet would think I really quit drinking so that she'd get back together again with me, but I didn't tell the guys at work because I didn't want them to think it was like a sign of weakness or that I, you know, I was having some kind of sudden change like I was losing it.
Plus, it allowed me to keep drinking while I was going to AA.
To fool Janet.
Ohh.
Yeah, but the thing is I really haven't had a drink in, like, two weeks 'cause I've been taking these great pills.
Oh.
Yeah.
So Gloria's nuts.
You want to talk? Yeah.
Come in.
I think that you should have a drink.
Sheil Tom.
- Sheil - Come on.
No.
I'm serious.
I have had a lot of wine, and you have had nothing.
That puts us on uneven playing fields.
What's that supposed to mean? Tommy Come on.
You know what? I've been thinking about this, and I think the whole thing with Gloria just made it kind of clear to me in my head.
I don't think it's a good idea.
Okay? I mean, the guys frown on it because, you know, it's-- It's fooling around with widows, and the widows frown on it.
I don't think anybody thinks-- - I don't care.
- I do.
I can't meet anybody.
I can't get Jimmy out of my mind.
He's always there, and you are the closest thing I have to him.
You're sweet you're funny and you're here.
Right now.
Right here.
Christ, you lost Jimmy.
You just lost Billy Warren.
I mean, how long do you think all of us have? Today is what we have.
Tonight, Tommy.
This is what we have! What are you looking for? What are you doing? Take it easy, Tommy.
Ahh.
That's what you wanted, right? Huh? Ahh.
That good enough for you? Huh? That what you wanted? Huh, little girl? Huh? Huh? You know this is bad, right? Say it.
- It's bad.
- Say, "It's bad.
" It's so bad.
- Huh? - It's so bad.
Yeah.
Happy now? Huh? Huh? You know how wrong this is? - Yeah.
- Huh? - Yeah.
- Yeah? Ahh! Ah! Ahh! Ohh.
Yeah.
Get up.
Get up.
Ohh! Ooh! Oh, yeah.
Mmm! Ohh.
Oh! Yeah, Sheila.
Hmm Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
I want you to go into the kitchen Yeah? And pour me another nice tall whiskey.
But you're still aroused.
Mm-hmm.
- You didn't finish.
- Nope.
Plenty of time for that.
Now, go get me that whiskey.
Go ahead.
I can barely walk.
Ha ha ha ha ha! That was fun, right? Mm-hmm! You know what? This remote's broken.
I'm going to get it fixed for you.
Oh.
Okay.
I couldn't find a glass.
- You climbing back on? - Yeah.
- Ohh, my God.
- Yeah.
You like that? Yeah.
Mm-hmm.
Oh, shit.
What? What's wrong? - I got-- - What? - I gotta go.
- No.
- I gotta go.
- No! - Yes.
- Mom? Oh, my God.
Careful, careful.
Here.
Take that.
Your top, your top.
Hey, guys, check it out.
Picture of Billy in The Post today.
What's this? That mark on the top is the length and the mark on the bottom is the width.
I couldn't get the girth.
Hey, Billy, huh? Yeah.
"Biggest dick in the house" contest is over, folks.
Kiss the ring.
Forget about Franco and his nine and four and three quarters.
Why is that? Well, remember how shocked we all were at how attractive Billy's ex-wife and his girlfriend were? Yeah.
Well, I talked to the ex-wife and told her how great her speech was, told her how much we all love Billy and told her we were having this little contest, blah blah blah blah blah, and as it turns out, Billy was packing 10.
No way.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Nice work, Bill.
What's with the remote? Um Broken.
Jim? Looks like it's you and me, asshole.