Rita Rocks (2008) s01e08 Episode Script

Honey, don't let Yoda lick the camera.
SHANNON: It's funny.
And never ever film Mommy before her stylist has arrived.
Mom, I decided what I'm going to do for my school project.
What's that? It's a movie about a prince and princess who live happily ever after.
That's stupid.
There's no such thing as "happily ever after.
" Sweetie, don't crush your sister's dreams.
Life will do that for her.
Hey, Hallie, would you and Kip like to star in my movie? Really? I get to be a princess?! And you're rescued by a handsome prince.
Oh, I have the perfect dress.
It'll show just a little bit of thighs as my man carries me off into the sunset.
That's right, Yoda-- raising strong, independent women in this house.
Hey, honey.
Which one? This one always gets you a lot of attention.
Really? Yeah.
I'll wear the other one.
With this new boss, I'm going for under the radar, a nameless, faceless, corporate drone.
Honey, you can't just turn me on and then leave.
Here's the deal: rumor has it they brought this guy in to downsize the company.
Mm-hmm.
So my strategy is to get ahead, I have to stay behind.
You know, like furniture, vending machines and Fat Larry from Human Resources.
Honey, no one is going to be getting rid of you.
You have the one thing that most qualifies you to be a top executive.
What's that? Trophy wife.
RITA ROCKS PRODUCTIONS, LLC (knocking) Is Jay home yet? No, no he's not, but the guys are in there.
Go ahead in.
I-I'd rather wait for Jay.
Since he's bringing me into his poker game, I was hoping he'd introduce me.
Did I overdo the cologne? No, no.
(inhales) Maybe just a little.
I knew I should have spritzed and walked into it.
Why are you so nervous? Since I lost my job, I've just been home with the kids.
This is my only chance to make male friends over the age of five.
These guys are great.
Here, come here.
I'll introduce you.
All right, just don't mention I'm a househusband.
I want to make a good first impression.
Well, then I don't know why you went with the man-clogs.
Hey, Harry, Fly, Frank, this is oh, better get that.
(phone ringing) Hi, I'm Owen.
What's with the sponge? Why don't you wipe down a seat and join us, SpongeBoy.
Hey, you want a beer? I should probably hold off.
Too much beer makes me gassy.
(sotto voce): Stop talking.
Stop talking.
Stay invisible.
I love you.
Hey, guys, Jay's stuck at the office, so he said start without him.
Hey, Fly, you work at the same place.
If he's stuck there, why are you here? 'Cause I'm very efficient at my job.
Plus, I'm one-eighth Cherokee, so no one's firing me.
This is gonna be weird.
We always play with five guys.
Hey, Rita, why don't you fill in till Jay gets here? Oh, no, I haven't played since college.
I'm, like, really rusty.
Come on.
It'll be like riding a bike.
Or taking money from a baby.
Right.
Oh, well, I guess I could, you know, sit down and see if I remember anything.
All right, boys, why don't we start it off with a little No-Limit Texas Hold'em, $40 buy-in, one-two blinds? Oh oh, look, the diamonds are so pretty.
Your action, Rita.
All in.
(men groaning) Call.
She's a maniac.
I'm in.
I'm in.
And I'm folding again.
Kind of like how you fold laundry while your wife's at work.
(all laughing) (feigned laughter) So I've got three callers, huh? It looks like I'm up the river without a paddle, which is a bummer, 'cause I have a full boat.
No! (Rita laughs, men groan) Okay, sorry, boys, Mama had pocket queens.
Hey, you guys, I've got my daughter this weekend.
Any ideas about a movie I can rent for an eight-year-old? The ex went nuts when I took Emily to see The Dark Knight.
I know what you mean, nightmares for months.
So you took your kid, too? No.
You know what's a great movie is Charlotte's Web.
It's a really sweet story.
By the end, everyone was crying, even Jay.
Your daughter will love it.
Oh, that's great.
Thanks, Rita.
Hello, ladies.
Sorry I'm late.
Hey, who you calling a lady? Yeah, that's a nice trick, Jay.
Pretend you're working late, so your wife can fleece us.
Honey, I kept your seat warm.
Gentlemen, it was a pleasure taking money from you.
And just so you know, Owen, you lick your lips when you have a good hand.
Rita, thanks for keeping the table pretty, 'cause things are about to get ugly.
So, uh, Jay, how's your hand? Uh, is it good or is it something you're gonna cry over? (snickering) Trust me, you're the one that's going to be weeping when I win that shirt off your back.
Of course, with that much back hair, you don't really need one.
Oh? Hey, Jay, there's a house for sale down the street you should look at.
I hear it's got a crying room.
(laughter) Hey, Dakota Fanning called and she wants you to man up.
Oh, wait, what what are you talking about? Rita told us how you cried during Charlotte's Web.
Oh Yeah, but I saw it.
I mean, if you can get through that movie without shedding a tear, then your name's not Jay! (laughter) goo, gaga.
All right.
Yes.
All right? All right.
(feigned crying) See you next week.
All right.
Night-night.
Good night.
Ha-ha, very funny, guys.
Why? Why?! What's wrong? Why would you tell them that I cried at the end of Charlotte's Web? It's no big deal.
I just gave Harry a movie suggestion for his little girl.
No, no, you weren't.
You were throwing fresh meat to the sharks.
Honey, do you know why we call Dennis "Fly"? Fly's name is Dennis? Well, it was.
You know, until one time he left his fly open.
And? And that's it.
That's all it took.
That was ten years ago.
I mean, you don't understand, honey.
I'm never gonna hear the end of this.
So what are you saying? No man can ever cry? No.
No, I'm just saying that there are very strict rules that govern when a man can cry: At his father's funeral; when his first child is born; and at three movies: Hoosiers, Field of Dreams, and Brian's Song.
And-and-and there's no blubbering, no.
It's just a single tear at the corner of the eye.
And yet not one rule about adjusting yourselves in public.
Interesting.
Honey, are you sure you're just not overstressed at work? 'Cause if you are, I totally get that.
Maybe, yeah, but just do me a favor.
Just watch what you say in front of the guys.
I will, but I just think you should be more like me and not care what people think.
You care just much as I do.
Okay, I care about things that matter.
About our kids, our health, the ozone layer "The ozone layer"? What about that time you got a really bad haircut? I didn't care about that.
You didn't leave the house for weeks.
I don't look good in bangs, okay? Why do I have to wear this hideous wig? I'm known for my gorgeous hair.
'Cause the story's about an ugly princess who gets pretty.
Why can't I be a pretty princess who just keeps getting prettier? 'Cause that's not a story.
That's just you being conceited.
I am not conceited just because I'm confident that I'm beautiful.
I think there's a bigger problem here.
I don't think my character would wear a crown.
You're playing a prince.
Yeah, I'm a prince who looks mad hot in a fedora.
Yeah, if he's wearing that, I'm not wearing the wig.
Yoda, shake.
Yoda, speak.
(barks) How hard is it? and he said only Field of Dreams, Hoosiers, and Brian's Song.
Last movie I cried at was Mamma Mia, because that stinker cost me $12.
50.
Who knew there were so many rules to being a man? I just thought you just well, you just drink beer, you tell dirty jokes, you control most of the world.
It seems easy.
Oh, by the way, I found out McGinty's has an open mic night.
Oh, we should go by, check out the stage.
See if we want to play there.
Yeah.
Just don't tell Owen.
I don't want him tagging along, giving his opinion, alienating everybody hey, Owen.
Hey.
Sorry I'm late.
I was looking for this pacifier.
That's a good idea.
Just get it out of the house.
It's the only way to wean the little one off her binky.
No, it's for Jay.
When he's asleep, I need you to stick it in his mouth and take a picture.
And can you do it tonight? I want to e-mail it to the guys before someone else thinks of it.
Or, or Patty can take a picture of me kicking your ass.
You better not be proposing that as the band uniform.
Patty doesn't do capes.
No, no, I'm doing a little indie film for this young, up-and-coming director.
By the way, for dinner, the director wants chicken nuggets.
Okay.
That is, if it's okay with Mr.
Clemens.
I don't want to make him upset.
(laughing) He started it.
Everyone knows about this.
That can't be good.
Eh, don't worry about it.
It'll all blow over.
Men always move on to some other stupid thing, like, I don't know, who'll win the battle between a great white shark and a T-rex.
Shark, duh.
The T-rex would totally take the shark.
A T-rex can swim not.
You know what, this is ridiculous.
It's not like they're fighting about something important like which chocolate is better.
Milk chocolate.
No, no, dark chocolate.
It's better for you.
What do you care what's better for you? You're already eating chocolate.
I enjoy an antioxidant or two.
Well, I enjoy the endorphins that are released in your brain and make you feel like you're in love.
You got a husband.
I ain't got nobody.
Come here.
I'm sorry.
I just you know, sometimes it's very upsetting.
(door closes) JAY: Hey.
Hey, honey.
How was your day at work? Interesting.
Oh, my God, what's that? Did you get fired? No, not yet.
But I did get Punk'd.
It-It's filled with Kleenex boxes.
Mm-hmm.
Look who it's addressed to.
"Cry-Jay-Bee.
" Yep.
Yeah, your little crying story-- Fly spread it to the office, and now they're having a field day.
So there goes my plan for flying under the radar.
Now I'm a big, crying, blinking beacon.
Jay, um, I don't think your new boss is not gonna care about all this.
Rita, you don't get it.
This-This is a very tough guy.
Just ask the moose he shot, stuffed and hung on his wall.
He downsized him to a head.
Well, I didn't mean for it to spiral out of control Well, it did! Well Men are-are cruel and mean.
Women wouldn't do this.
Okay? If we have something horrible to say, we have the decency to do it behind each other's backs.
Rita, this is, this is exactly what I didn't need to happen.
Okay, wait, wait.
We can fix this.
You know what we do? Okay, all these guys that are doing it, you take them all out to lunch, and you're honest with them, and you tell them how you feel.
Okay.
That's a good idea.
Yeah.
You what else I'll do is I'll wear a big, frilly dress and I'll serve them tea while we watch Oprah.
Are you insane?! Well, Jay, we have to do something.
No, no! Stop! Stop! We-We don't have to do anything.
Okay? I'm just gonna lie low.
I'm gonna wait till some other poor sap does something embarrassing, and when they're picking him apart, just join in on that feeding frenzy.
So you're just as immature as they are? Yeah, that's how we stay friends.
This is going to be quite a step up from playing in my garage.
And the best part is, there's no oil stains on the floor.
Although, I am scared to find out what that stain on the pool table is.
I thought you said you weren't hungry.
I'm not.
Just seeing what kind of food people might throw at us if we play here.
Uh-oh, buffalo wings-- those are gonna sting.
(raucous yelling) Oh, great.
Jay's poker friends.
Quick, let's get out of here before I break another sacred man-rule.
Rita.
Hey Fly.
Didn't see you over there in the corner, playing with all those other guys I didn't see.
Is Jay here? No, no.
He's home with the girls.
I mean, he's not hanging out with them.
He's just home, you know, doing manly stuff, you know like, growing a beard.
But I-I got to go.
Jay's got to go to the store and, uh you know, get some tires.
Yeah.
Well, give him our best.
Will do.
You guys, I think Jay's at home.
He's teething.
Just keep walking.
Keep walking.
Or putting ointment on his diaper rash.
Go get 'em, girl.
Okay, you know what, guys? You just need to grow up.
Okay, all of your stupid stories, they're really making Jay's life miserable.
And in case you hadn't noticed, the economy's not so great right now and your guys' Cry-Jay-Bee joke could really threaten his job.
And plus, even if Jay did cry, just a little bit, he's more of a man than any of you guys.
You know why? 'Cause a real man is not afraid to show his emotions.
And a real man doesn't tell you he's on a business trip when he's really down the street at a hotel, wriggling around on our dental hygienist.
On your birthday.
When your visiting your mother in the hospital.
Are you done? I have more, but this really isn't the time or the place.
Look, Rita, we're really sorry about Jay.
And your husband.
And your mom.
We really like Jay.
I mean, if he wasn't such a great guy, we wouldn't bother ribbing him.
Yeah, yeah.
I mean, come on, Jay's our bud.
Yeah, but we get it.
All right, no more razzing.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Okay.
Well Thank you.
I I appreciate that.
Come on.
Let's go.
No, you go ahead.
I'm a little turned on by the guy that didn't flinch when I was yelling.
(mouthing words) Surprise! Hey.
I know you've been working so hard, so I brought you a power lunch, power drink, power bar, (loudly): and a big slab of red meat.
Actually, it's a tarragon egg salad on whole grain.
(muttering): I didn't want Oh, shoot, I forgot a napkin.
Oh, that's okay.
Baby wipe? There was a case of them sitting on my desk when I came in this morning, so I thought that would've stopped.
Oh.
No, no, no.
No, they're never gonna stop.
You want to know why? Because the only thing worse than your wife telling your buddies that you cry at a kids' movie (clears throat) is your wife defending you at a bar.
Is that how they took that? Oh How else could they take it, Reet? I mean, this thing is just out of control now, and I got to put a cap on it before my boss finds out.
(sighs) Aw, man! They told me they were gonna use the photo for the company newsletter.
I didn't Oh, honey, I'm sorry.
You know what? I'm just gonna go.
I'm gonna leave before I run into any of the jerks you work with.
Hello.
I'm the head jerk.
Hi, hi, Mr.
Moretti.
Uh, what can I do for you? Move.
Right.
This is my wife Rita.
Rita, my new boss.
Hi, hi.
Pleasure to meet you.
I'm really sorry about what I just said.
Oh, no.
It's all right.
They are all jerks around here.
(loudly): That's why I'm getting rid of most of them.
Relax, people.
Just kidding, just kidding.
Except you, Tucker.
Where's that report?! Look at him run.
Isn't it cute? (chuckles) Yeah.
Listen, I should get going.
No, no.
Stay, stay.
I, I, uh I love meeting my employees' better halves.
Do you have children? I do, two daughters, Shannon and Hall Never wanted kids.
Don't really care for them.
Yeah, but Mrs.
#4 said it was a deal-breaker.
So you know what I said, Rita? Please don't make me guess.
I said, "Keiko start pumping 'em out.
" Best decision I ever made.
Without kids, I'm just an egomaniac, making other people's lives miserable.
Now I'm an egomaniac who goes home to his children.
I have balance.
Balance is good.
Yeah.
Or-Or not.
You know it's, whatever you like.
I'm just gonna shut up.
That's what I like about this guy.
He knows when to pipe up and when to shut up, and when to cry.
Oh, God Oh, no.
Yeah, I just heard about it.
Cry-Jay-Bee.
So-So, you have kids.
How old are they? I bet they're adorable.
Well, some of them are.
Mr.
Moretti, here's the truth, is that crying story-- it was (scoffs) wildly overexaggerated.
The truth is, is I have what's known as an overactive tear duct (Moretti chuckles) Listen, listen, listen.
I, I respect a man who's not afraid to show his feelings.
And you know who else will? Who? Our new biggest client.
The hybrid car account? Exactly.
They'll love you, you sensitive bastard.
Now, damn it! Him, not me.
Congratulations, Jay.
Thank you.
Mr.
Moretti.
You won't be sorry.
I'm sure I won't be.
And by the way, when I saw that pig say good-bye to Charlotte, knowing full well he would never see her again I know, I know.
floodgates.
You You are a nice man.
Who said I'm not? Nobody.
Listen.
Really, really nice meeting you.
And you.
(loudly): Well, I'm going back to my desk now.
In three, two, one! I'm gonna have to keep him around for the softball team.
Well, looks like you nailed a really big account.
Yes, it, uh, it does look that way.
I'm so proud of you.
Looks like my loose lips got you some job security.
Yeah.
And, you know, my ten years of hard work and dedication didn't hurt either.
You know, I'm the one who actually brought a lot of business Ah-ah-ah! I'm the one who emasculated you in front of your friends.
You're welcome.
Welcome to the world premiere of A Fairy Tail by Shannon Clemens.
Yay! (regal trumpet plays) HALLIE'S VOICE: Why can't I be pretty princess who just keeps getting prettier? KIP'S VOICE: I'm a prince who looks mad-hot in a fedora.
Hey, when Yoda talks, he sounds just like me.
Why is my voice coming out of the dog? I decided to go another way.
There'll be no living with Yoda now.
SHANNON'S VOICE: I'm known for my gorgeous hair.
I'm beginning to figure out what happened to all the peanut butter.
It's not funny, okay? Don't worry.
The only people who are going to see this is a bunch of nine-year-olds.
Nuh-uh.
It already got over 800 hits on YouTube.
What?! SHANNON'S VOICE: I can't believe you rode all night through the dark forest to rescue me.
KIP'S VOICE: Princess Sophie, I don't want another moment of this lifetime to pass without you next to me.
Jay, are are you.
.
? Our little girl made a movie.
(dog barks) Captioned by Media