Rocko's Modern Life (1993) s01e08 Episode Script

1
( buzzing and chirping )
( chuckling )
GOOD AS NEW.
ROCKO'S MODERN LIFE ♪
ROCKO'S MODERN LIFE.
ROCKO'S MODERN LIFE ♪
ROCKO'S MODERN LIFE.
SPUNKY!
SPUNKY!
( screaming )
ROCKO'S MODERN LIFE. ♪
ROCKO'S MODERN LIFE.
( laughing )
THAT WAS A HOOT!
( thunder crashing )
\h\h\h\h\h\h\hRocko:
I'VE HAD IT WITH YOU.
YOU'RE USELESS AND PATHETIC
LIKE A USELESS
AND PATHETIC THING.
THIS IS THE LAST STRAW
YOU GOOD-FOR-NOTHING
HEAP OF RUBBISH.
PREPARE TO FEEL MY WRATH.
THAT WILL TEACH YOU.
HEY, MAN,
KEEP IT DOWN.
I'M TRYING TO WATCH TV.
\h\h\h\hTHIS PLACE IS A PIGSTY
AND EVERY TIME I TRY TO CLEAN UP
THIS COCKAMAMIE CLEANER
GOES ON THE FRITZ.
THERE'S STUFF
ON THE FLOOR
FROM BEFORE
I MOVED IN.
( yelping )
( machine starting )
NOW, WHERE DO I BEGIN?
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hAnnouncer:
Next on The Home Channel
we'll show you how to make
your living room more exquisite
because your living room
expresses your personality.
Take a whiff of the delightful,
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hlemon-fresh aroma
of your cute 'n' cuddly
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hfurniture
your kissing-sweet carpet.
That's the real you.
SPUNKY, LEAVE THAT ALONE.
OH, SPUNKY, I DON'T THINK
I'LL EVER GET THIS PLACE CLEAN.
( groaning )
\h\h\h\hWoman #1:
Reporting live
from Washington, D.C.
The official motorcade is just
coming around the corner and
Oh, my god-- there's a burst
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hof gunfire.
\h\h\h\hMan #1:
It's the final
World Series game.
Two outs, bases loaded,
three and two count.
There's the pitch!
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hMan #2:
There's terror in the streets!
A fleet of alien spaceships
are decimating New York City
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hin one
of the most horrific events
in the history of mankind.
SHEESH. A HUNDRED CHANNELS
AND THERE'S NOTHING ON.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hWoman #2:
Today on Lobot-o-Shop
\h\h\h\hwe have hundreds
of pert 'n' perky gifts
for you home shoppers.
MMM.
THAT'S MORE LIKE IT.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hFirst, for toddlers,
it's our deluxe tape worm farm.
Your child's heart will melt
when he sees this colony
\h\h\h\hof tape worms
grinding through a stomach
\h\h\h\hon his toy shelf.
( someone coughing )
HEY! MY SHOW!
( coughing )
I'M SORRY, OLD FRIEND.
I DIDN'T MEAN
TO BE CRUEL TO YOU.
DON'T LEAVE ME.
I NEED YOU.
WAIT. IT'S TRYING TO SPEAK.
WHAT IS IT, OLD FRIEND?
( clearing throat )
ROSEBUD.
WHAT DID HE SAY?
I THINK HE SAID,
"HOUSE CRUD."
OI. WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
HEY, ROCKO!
THE TV'S WORKING AGAIN.
TAKE A BREAK.
( sighing )
YOU KNOW, HEFFER,
SOMETIMES I THINK
I WAS DESTINED TO EXIS
IN AN ENDLESS
WORLD OF FILTH.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hMan:
Do you sometimes think
you were destined to exist
in an endless world of filth?
Well, not anymore--
\h\h\h\hwhen you order
the incredible Suck-o-Matic.
( together: )
OOH SUCK-O-MATIC.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hThe Suck-o-Matic
is not just a vacuum cleaner.
\h\h\h\hIt's also a tree pruner,
ball polisher, answering machine
boil lancer, pizza oven,
defense bunker, and bidet
as well as a crude
liposuction machine
and that's not all.
It cleans colons, calculators
clarinets, couches, cassettes,
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hand other products.
\h\h\h\hIt improves hairstyles,
attitudes, bunions, rheumatism
politics, batting averages
and rids the world of rodents,
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hunwanted nasal hair
and just look at it saw
through this steel "i" beam.
So order the Suck-O-Matic
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\htoday--
The most help-o-rific
household device
on the face of the earth.
Now only $99.95.
\h\h\h\h( together: )
MUST BUY SUCK-O-MATIC.
I WANT THE SUCK-O-MATIC
THE MOST HELP-O-RIFIC
HOUSEHOLD DEVICE ON EARTH.
( doorbell rings )
YOU ORDER
THE SUCK-O-MATIC--
THE MOST HELP-O-RIFIC
DEVICE ON EARTH?
YES.
SIGN HERE, HERE, HERE, HERE
AND INITIAL HERE--
WHERE DO YOU WANT IT?
WELL, I
I'D LIKE IT ABOUT HERE.
THANK YOU.
HEY, ROCKO, CHECK OUT THIS LIS
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hOF SAFETY WARNINGS.
"DO NOT USE NEAR OPEN FLAME.
"DO NOT USE IN BATHTUB.
ALWAYS CLEAN BUG FILTER
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hAFTER USE."
IT SAYS HERE,
"WHEN USED PROPERLY
SUCK-O-MATIC EMITS COMPARATIVELY
SAFE LEVELS OF RADIATION."
WHAT?
( squeaky chewing )
Heffer:
SAY THEY WOULDN'
SELL THIS STUFF
IF IT WASN'T SAFE
WOULD THEY?
I SUPPOSE YOU'RE RIGHT.
I THINK I FOUND IT.
( engine whining )
DON'T LOOK LIKE THE ONE
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hON TV, HEF.
OH, BOY!
WHERE SHOULD WE START?
LET'S START WITH THE CARPET.
LOOK, IT IS SUCK-O-ZILLA!
NO ONE IS SAFE!
WE MUST FLEE THE CITY!
\h\h\h\hLET'S TRY THIS
DOG-CLEANING ATTACHMENT.
HOLD STILL, SPUNKY.
GEE, MAYBE WE SHOULD TRY
THE NEUTERING DEVICE LATER.
HEY! IT DOES FIREPLACES TOO.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hMan:
This is your captain speaking.
We are experiencing
a little turbulence.
WHAT POWER.
THIS IS CERTAINLY NOT A TOY.
WHA-HOO!
ALL THIS SUCKING
IS MAKING ME HUNGRY.
LET'S TAKE A LITTLE SNACK BREAK!
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hI MUST CEASE
THIS SENSELESS SUCKING.
IT'S STUCK IN "SUCK."
I am the Suck-o-Matic--
the most help-o-rific device
on the face of the earth.
IT'S GOT A MIND OF ITS OWN.
PREPARE TO EJECT!
( giggling )
LET'S DO THAT AGAIN.
( giggling )
WHAT DO WE DO NOW?
WE'RE GOING TO RETURN I
AND GET OUR MONEY BACK.
I SAVED THE RECEIPT.
( laughing insanely )
( belches )
( heavy breathing )
( footsteps thudding )
WHAT DO WE DO NOW?
I KNOW.
UH-HUH-- THE MANUAL.
GIVE IT HERE.
"CONGRATULATIONS ON BUYING
THE SUPER SUCK-O-MATIC.
IF WELL MAINTAINED, IT SHOULD
GIVE YOU YEARS OF SERV"
NO, SKIP AHEAD.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hINDEX
CLEANING MAINTENANCE FEATURES
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hMan:
Engineer, I must have
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hmore power.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hWe're being sucked
into some kind of cosmic void.
( screaming )
( coughing and gasping )
I THINK IT'S DEAD,
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hHEF.
GO SEE IF THE BAG IS FULL.
WE'LL COVER YOU.
( humming )
LOOKS LIKE A POTATO CHIP
GOT CAUGHT IN ITS THROAT.
DON'T TOUCH IT!
HMM. BARBECUE FLAVOR.
MY GOD!
I DON'T BELIEVE IT!
VINTAGE '73--
MY FAVORITE YEAR.
( machine starting )
OH, COBBLERS!
HEF'S BEEN SUCKED.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hWelcome back
to the Lobot-O-Shop Network.
Today we have a new line
of pert 'n' perky products
we just know you'll want
to buy-- right now!
That's right, pick up your phone
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hand order right now.
Do it. Do it. Do it
( people screaming )
THE PROBLEM
WITH COMIC BOOKS IS
THE INK COMES OFF ON YOUR HANDS.
EVERY TIME YOU TURN A PAGE,
YOU HAVE TO WASH YOUR HANDS.
YOU TURN A PAGE,
YOU WASH YOUR HANDS.
YOU TURN A PAGE,
YOU WASH YOUR HANDS
AND THEN YOU TURN A PAGE
( coughing )
Rocko, to the
( coughing )
manager's office.
THEY'VE HURT VERY MUCH
AND, UM, I'M CONSTANTLY IN
A STATE OF WANTING TO THROW UP.
YOU'LL NEVER BE SATISFIED
WITH A MORTAL WOMAN
BECAUSE THE ELF WENCHES
ARE SO BEAUTIFUL.
YOU'LL SPEND THE RES
\h\h\h\hOF YOUR LIFE
\h\h\h\hSEARCHING FOR
THAT SAME BEAUTY AGAIN.
YES.
WOW!
YOU'RE AN IDIOT.
COME IN.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hManager:
AH, 1-4-5-6-9-1-0, COME IN.
HAVE A SEAT.
GOOD NEWS!
YOU'RE BEING PROMOTED
FROM JOB TITLE 6-1-2
TO JOB TITLE 8-1-4.
BUT DUE TO VOLUME STATISTICS
EXCUSE ME, SIR,
BUT COULD I JUST
I'M WITH SOMEBODY!
( crashing )
AND THE HIRING FREEZE
WE'RE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING
WE HAVE TO CUT HOLES
IN OUR WORK FORCE
\h\h\h\hTO ELIMINATE
COUNTERPRODUCTIVITY.
GREAT.
UH WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
YOU'RE FIRED!
( laughing )
( still laughing )
NO MERCY.
( munching )
( belching )
( grinding )
HEY!
HEY, YOU!
GET OU
OF MY SALMON BUSHES!
GET OUT OF MY GARDEN
YOU MANGY ANIMAL!
ED
COME OVER HERE AND PU
SOME SUNSCREEN ON MY HEAD.
ED! WHAT, AM I TALKING
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hTO MYSELF?
( Spunky whimpering )
YOU'RE GOING TO PAY
FOR THOSE SALMON BUSHES
AND EVERYTHING ELSE!
OH, UH
HEH-HEH. SORRY.
\h\h\h\hDON'T WORRY
ABOUT MR. BIGHEAD.
HE'S GOT A PERMANENT WEDGIE.
LET'S GO INSIDE.
HMM
SORRY, SPUNKY.
NO LOCKJAW LOLLIES FOR YOU.
I LOST MY JOB.
( ringing )
( ringing )
( ringing )
SPUNKY, THERE HAS TO BE
A NEW JOB HERE SOMEWHERE.
HMM
LET'S SEE
"TATOO ARTIST WANTED."
THAT SOUNDS INTERESTING.
( loud growling )
ANYTHING WRONG, SIR?
NO, I'M FINE.
JUST A LITTLE QUEASY,
\h\h\h\hTHAT'S ALL.
REMEMBER, I WANT IT TO COVER
\h\h\h\hTHE ROOF OF MY MOUTH
AND LOOK JUST LIKE THE PICTURE
A BIG CAN OF BEANS
THAT SAYS GLORIA ON IT.
COMING RIGHT UP, MR. HORNY.
( drilling )
OW!
OW, OW, OW!
( gulping )
MMM
TASTE LIKE CHICKEN.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hRocko:
OKAY, "PLUMBER'S ASSISTANT."
OH, BOY, SPUNKY.
PLUMBERS MAKE A LOT OF MONEY.
HEY, COULD YOU GET THAT?
THANKS A LOT.
HEY, COULD YOU GET THAT?
THANKS A LOT.
HEY, COULD YOU GET THAT?
THANKS A LOT.
HMM
"SPECIALTY PHONE OPERATOR."
I COULD DO THAT, COULDN'T I?
OH, BABY! OH, BABY! OH, BABY!
Rocko?
MRS. BIGHEAD?
WELL, SPUNKY,
GUESS THIS IS IT.
THE LAST AD.
HUH?
YOU!
WHAT DO YOU WANT?
I'M HERE ABOUT THE JOB.
JOB?
WHY WOULD I GIVE YOU A JOB?
HMM
HMM
ACTUALLY, I THINK
I DO HAVE SOMETHING
IN THE PRODUCT TESTING
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hDEPARTMENT.
RIGHT THIS WAY.
( man screaming )
THIS IS WHERE
ALL OF CONGLOM-O'S
FINE PRODUCTS ARE BORN.
( man screaming )
\h\h\h\hEd:
HERE WE GO.
OUR LATEST DEVELOPMENT.
THE NOSEMASTER 3000.
WHY DON'T WE GIVE I
A TRY, HMM?
GUH!
GIVE ME THAT!
HEY! WAIT A MINUTE.
I DON'T HAVE A NOSE!
( sniffing )
HEY!
( sniffing )
TRY OUT SOME OF OUR
NEW GENETICALLY ENHANCING
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hCHEWING GUM.
HEY, THIS IS REALLY GREAT.
EVERYONE'S GOING TO WAN
\h\h\h\hONE OF THESE.
SHADE
ALL THE LOVELY OXYGEN
BIRDS NESTING.
THIS IS TERRIFIC.
THAT IS THE DUMBEST THING
\h\h\h\hI'VE EVER HEARD.
( gasps )
OW! OW!
OW! OW! OW!
OW! OW!
HERE'S AN AMAZING DEVICE--
THE DIAL-A-DOO
BRINGS THE CONSUMER
A VARIETY OF HAIRSTYLES
WITHOUT THE HASSLE
OF GOING TO THE SALON.
LET IT WORK ITS MAGIC
FOR YOU.
OH, TERRIFIC.
DO YOU LIKE IT?
OH! THAT IS AMAZING.
WOW! A JUICER.
All:
HURRAY!
QUIT PLAYING AROUND,
YOU MISERABLE
GIVE ME THIS!
COOL. A BUZZ CUT.
THIS IS OUR TES
ANIMAL ENCLOSURE.
\h\h\h\hYOU'RE TRYING
OUR NEWEST INVENTION.
IT'S SO NEW, IT'S UNTESTED.
( coughing )
SAY YOUR PRAYERS, KID.
( chuckles )
OH, I CAN'T WATCH.
( chuckling )
All:
HURRAY!
CAN I GET YOU
ANYTHING?
YOU'RE FIRED!
GET AWAY FROM ME!
I HATE MY LIFE.
WHAT THE..?
A NEW COMIC BOOK STORE!
TURN A PAGE, WASH YOUR HANDS.
TURN A PAGE,
WASH YOUR HANDS.
TURN A PAGE,
WASH YOUR HANDS.
DOES YOUR MISERABLE,
\h\h\h\hLITTLE STORE
CARRY THE FIVE-VOLUME SE
\h\h\h\hOF NUCLEAR SWAN?
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hI'M DOUBLE-PARKED,
AND I HAVE A CUSTOMER WAITING.
OH, BOY!
NO, I'M OKAY.
OH, BOY!
OH, BOY!
HAVE YOU GOT IT OR NOT?
WHY DON'T YOU GIVE ME
A PACK OF GUM AS WELL?
GUM?
HERE WE ARE, MATE.
ONE STACK OF COMICS
AND ONE PACK OF GUM.
\h\h\h\hMM, WELL,
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
WELL, NO, NO,
I'M OKAY.
UH, OH, BOY!
OW!
OW!
( screaming )
All:
HURRAY!
Man:
CUT!
THAT'S IT, BOYS.
WE DON'T NEED YOU
FOR THE END.
OH, OH, OKAY. SO WE'RE DONE?
YEAH. IF WE NEED YOU
NEXT WEEK
WE'LL CALL YOU.
OKAY, BYE.
BYE-BYE. TAKE CARE.
SHOULD I JUST LEAVE
THE COSTUMES HERE?
YEAH, YEAH. WARDROBE
WILL PICK THOSE UP.
YOU'VE, UH YOU'VE GO
\h\h\h\hMY RESUME, RIGHT?
YES! YES!
WE'LL CALL YOU!
OKAY.
THANKS. BYE.
OKAY, CHARLIE,
KILL THE LIGHTS.