Rome s01e08 Episode Script

''A fine reward is offered for the return of a slave woman stolen or absconded from the house of Claudius Appius.
The following noblemen returning from Greece have received pardon of Caesar and must not be harmed: Publius Servilius Casca, Marcus Tullius Cicero, Gaius Cassius Longinus and Marcus Junius Brutus.
The traitor Pompey has fled to Egypt.
Glorious Caesar follows.
'' Shoulder arms! Forward! Forward face! Forward march! Behold, Ptolemy, he of the two ladies, he of sedge and bee.
Behold Ptolemy, Son of Ra, Ptolemy the Divine.
Greetings-- How long may we hope for the blessing of your presence? Not long.
Oh, we are desolated.
lf His Glorious Honor cares to divulge his purpose here, the servants of the Mighty Lion would be ecstatic to help you in any way whatsoever.
That is most kind of you.
How goes your preparation for war? War? We have no war prepared.
l'm misinformed then.
l was told the sister of the Mighty Lion disputes his right to the throne.
Do not speak of her.
l piss on her! l shit on her! lt is true our beloved princess has listened to ill counsel and raised some absurd claim.
But she has no support, none but traitors and barbarians.
What was that name? Deilogos of Pergamum.
He can raise 10 legions.
Deilogos of Pergamum can raise 10 legions for her.
A petty bandit.
l assure you, you have no problem, no fears at all about Cleopatra.
Where is she? Well, nobody knows.
Somewhere in the south, we believe.
He lies.
They have her.
This dispute between you both must end.
Rome desires Egypt to be at peace.
Your grain ships must keep sailing.
We are in absolute control of the country, from the lighthouse to the Cataracts.
Good, in that case you should have no trouble in handing over Pompey Magnus.
l do not like his tone.
He can go.
Eh-- Master, do you remember what we spoke of before? Of crocodile and fox? Let us show him our surprise! All right, go on.
Show him.
Ahem We have a gift for you, Glorious Excellency, that we think you will be very pleased with.
We were going to make him a body, moving arms and legs, and do a mime show with real animals and everything-- Silence! Shame on the house of Ptolemies for such barbarity.
Shame.
But you are enemies.
He was a consul of Rome! A consul of Rome.
To die in this sordid way-- quartered like some low thief-- shame! Where is the rest of him? Eh, um, he has been cremated with all proper funeral rites of course.
With all decorum.
l shall return tomorrow, at which time you will give me the man that took Pompey's life.
Captain says the wind is fair.
- Good.
- We can leave whenever you like.
You will take half the men, return to Rome immediately.
You shall have the honor of announcing Pompey's death.
l shall follow you when l've settled things here.
Settled things? Settled what things? Civil war is in the air.
lt must be prevented.
Why? Let the wretches fight it out.
War will disrupt the grain supply.
Without Egyptian grain, Rome goes hungry.
lt would be unwise not to intervene.
And how will you intervene with only half a legion? l do not intend to fight.
l shall merely arbitrate the various factions.
You make it sound so easy.
Those various factions are united only by their hatred of Rome.
He's right.
Ptolemy might use you to rouse the people against a common enemy.
l have conquered Gaul.
l have defeated Pompey Magnus.
l think l can handle a small boy and a eunuch.
A small boy with 100,000 men.
l am aware of that! He's still a boy nonetheless.
You seem to forget that our war is not over yet.
Cato and Scipio are still at large.
Given time, they will raise another army.
And when they do l shall crush them.
l'm glad you're so confident.
Some would call it hubris.
lt's only hubris if l fail.
Remember, she is a princess of ancient blood.
When you find her you will treat her with the utmost respect.
You must obey her in all things, within reason.
Understood, sir.
l'm counting on you, Vorenus.
You have something to say? Regarding Pompey Magnus, sir, l wish to apologize.
lt was my actions that brought him here to this end.
- lf l had done my duty-- - lndeed.
Dismissed.
Pompey's murderer.
Alas, he has run away.
Find him.
ln the meantime these instruments tabulate the money that was borrowed by His Majesty's illustrious father, Ptolemy Xll.
ln the name of the Republic, l have come to collect.
17 thousand thousand drachma.
17? Absurd! Four, perhaps.
The tabulation includes all monies borrowed from Pompey and other agents of the Republic now unable to collect.
That is not just! Post-mortem interests of this type are legally entailed to the presiding consul, i.
e.
Gaius Julius Caesar.
- lt's law.
- Roman law.
ls there some other form of law you wretched woman? 1,000 apologies.
Forgive us.
There! - There's for your payment.
- So sorry His Majesty forgets he is a vassal to Rome.
Vassal? Vassal? l am no vassal! - l am king! l am-- - Sit down! Thank you.
When can l expect payment? Your Honor, we have little enough ready coin for our own needs.
Our tax farmers have not been working as they should because Because? Cleopatra's foolishness has stirred unrest in some parts.
Nothing serious.
Well, l do not wish to appear unreasonable.
l will accept 10 thousand thousand drachma.
Even that amount will take many days to collect.
ln that case, l shall have ample time to adjudicate your dispute with Princess Cleopatra.
Excellent notion.
But alas, who knows where Princess Cleopatra is? Oh, do not worry about that.
l shall find her.
Blood and fire! lt's as hot as Vulcan's dick! What a dump.
Gyppo gods must be right wasters to make a place like this.
Don't speak ill of the gods in their own country.
Gerrae.
l've seen their gods.
Titus Pullo isn't scared of any bastard with a dog's head on him.
More fool you.
These gods are old and powerful.
Egypt was a great nation long before Rome.
Was it? Mumped it up now, then, haven't they? Why are we here, anyhow? Waiting.
Yeah, l know we're waiting, but for who? l'll know when l see them.
Heh.
Be like that.
''Vassal,'' he says! Barbarian scum! lt's simple extortion.
lf we do not pay him, he will put Cleopatra on the throne.
lf if he could find her.
He is a resourceful man.
He will find her.
She should have died when we first caught her.
Now it must be done.
She must die.
l agree.
My men could be with her by nightfall.
Tell him ''Wait.
'' Cleopatra.
Queen Majesty? Hutto asks to speak with you.
Slap me.
- Night or day? - Night.
He may enter.
Majesty fresh word has come from Alexandria.
Speak, worm! l am most deeply sorry to say Majesty must prepare herself for her journey to the afterlife.
When? Now.
Say your words.
Hello, ladies.
Attack Caesar? Are you serious? Why not? He only has a few hundred men with him.
How many men could you rally? You would be the liberator of Egypt.
Your name would live forever.
My mortal flesh should be less fortunate.
Rome does not forget an injury.
Oh, forget Rome! Rome is doomed.
Her people tear at their flesh like mad dogs.
ln 10 years the city will be a forgotten ruin.
Maybe so, but what of next year? Perhaps you're right.
Ergo, caution is best, yes.
Perhaps you don't have enough influence among the people.
And Caesar has so few men.
l could raise the whole city with a word.
Think on it.
Oh, do you think l could borrow Septimius for a little while? l'd be most grateful.
Of course.
Messenger from Ptolemy Xlll begs entry, sir.
''Ptolemy the Water Bringer, he of the two ladies, he of sedge and bee, King of Kings, Son of Ra, informs His Most Grand Honor, et cetera, that him who bears this message is him that killed Pompey.
'' He's handsome enough.
Good, strong chin.
Looks like a mean old man to me.
More.
Divinity's mortal flesh turns green.
Give it here.
She will look like a reptile when she arrives at Alexandria.
Weak, l call it.
Weak, am l? She knows how to beat her slaves well enough, but she cannot throw away that pipe, - and she knows it.
- lnsolent dwarf.
You know nothing.
Throw it out.
Throw it out.
Weak, am l? That Gyppo princess, now that's good cunny.
Her father's people rode with Alexander.
- You can't speak of her like that.
- She is, though, and she wants me badly.
Should've seen her when l done that Nubian.
Wet as October! Pullo, look at me.
She is a princess of royal blood.
You touch her, you die.
l'm not stupid.
l'm just saying she wants me.
Lovely.
Lovely.
Nothing like cold, stinking sweat to seduce a man.
Caesar will think himself on Olympus with Aphrodite.
Hush, piglet! What do you know of seduction? As long as Caesar is a man, l will have him.
She seems very sure of herself.
l have him or l die.
So l will have him.
May it be so, lsis.
l only wish he were here today.
My womb is between the flood.
A child would come as sure as spring.
Come.
You, come.
Ahh-ooh So red! Your Highness, how can l be of service? Leather.
Olives.
Not so bad.
- He will do.
- Majesty commands you will enter her.
l do not understand.
You have coitus with her.
You have it wrong.
Coitus means to make babies.
Exact! So, make babies.
Don't be scared.
l'm not scared, l just cannot do what you ask! lt is not-- it is not in our custom.
Roman men are not used by women in this way.
Come, you will enjoy it.
My queen is an excellent lover.
What is he waiting for? He must do as he is told! - Let me give you a hand.
- Get off! l must ask forgiveness of Your Majesty, but l cannot comply! l am no slave to be commanded so! - With all respect-- - He refuses? This insect refuses me?! You dare refuse the daughter of a sun god? Pullo, report immediately to Princess Cleopatra and do as she says! - Eh? - You heard! - What's going on? - Just go.
Legionary Titus Pullo reporting for duty, ma'am.
Whooh.
- Gods, that was something-- - l don't want to know.
lf you value your life, you won't speak of it again.
Why? l was only obeying orders.
Bloody good orders, too.
What do you think Caesar will do if he hears of it? l'm not stupid.
l promised the princess.
l shall not speak of it.
You can't keep a secret to save your life.
You've got a mouth like a drain.
Whooh.
Princess Cleopatra, sir.
Daughter of the Two Rams, mistress of sedge and bee! Oh! Well done, Majesty! Oh! Thank you.
ls something wrong, little husband? How funny you look in Father's chair.
- l never wanted to harm you.
- Shh.
Of course you did not.
lt was your gelding led you astray, no doubt.
- Mistress-- - lt must not speak.
lt must die! lt was him not me.
He led him astray, not me.
lt was him! Get in formation! And you, Pullo.
Calpurnia She's your third wife? She is.
Has she given you a son? She has not.
How sad.
A man without sons is a man without a future.
l never thought of it that way.
Sad.
Never mind.
Have you secured the upriver ports? You must do so immediately.
Whoever controls the ports controls Egypt.
Good advice, no doubt, - if l wanted to control Egypt.
- Of course you do.
Why else are you here? And why save me so heroically from death if not to use me as your puppet queen? Do you dislike the notion? My wishes are immaterial.
You redeemed me from captivity.
l am your slave.
Testudo! - Are you well? - Well enough, though l do not sleep.
l write very bad poetry through the night and in the morning l give it to the cook to stoke the kitchen fire.
lt's a form of magic.
My ill conscience is transformed into roast birds and pastries.
You should have no ill conscience.
We only did what we had to do.
No doubt Saturn said something of the sort after eating his children.
The question is if Caesar does not return from Egypt-- Oh, Caesar has escaped tighter traps than this.
He has been besieged in Alexandria the better part of a year.
Perhaps his luck has run out.
Well, what fools we shall look if we have kissed the feet of a dead man.
With Caesar dead, that bastard Marc Antony will be unleashed to do as he wants.
Very likely, but it isn't a concern of mine.
l am done with politics.
Self-pity is all very well.
l'm not unashamed myself.
But we are still senators.
We have responsibilities.
l remind you we swore an oath of loyalty.
To Caesar, not to Antony.
Cato and Scipio have raised an army in Numidia.
lf we were to communicate with them, we might-- we might-- lf it isn't Cicero.
How strange.
l was just now thinking of you.
l've received some happy news, and my first thought was to come and tell you two.
And here you are.
What a coincidence! lt's amusing how often that happens, eh? So l was walking across the Forum and thinking of this particular woman, who should arrive right in front of me but the thing herself.
Savage little Spanish creature.
Hair down to her ass.
Huh! Everyone misjudges me, you know.
l'm a merciful man.
l know that's not my reputation, but l am.
Now, everyone's entitled to a few mistakes.
Gods know, l made one or two myself.
l've done things things l'm ashamed to think of.
We are, all of us, imperfect in our way.
Exactly.
We are, all of us, imperfect.
Give me your hands, brother Cicero.
With all my heart l forgive you.
l don't know what you mean.
Nothing escapes me.
lf a pigeon dies on the Avantine, l hear of it.
So be assured, brother, if l ever again hear your name connected with murmurs of treachery l will cut off these soft, pink hands, and nail them to the Senate door.
- Antony? - Hmm? You said you had happy news to tell us.
Oh.
Yes.
Of course.
A courier came from Alexandria.
Caesar has lifted the siege and massacred the armies of Ptolemy.
He is safe and sound, and master of all Egypt.
The man is a damn prodigy, eh? Atten-hut! Hail Caesar!