Roommates s01e08 Episode Script

Wat are you doing? I can't let Hope see us go to work again.
It's the same thing every morning.
"Have a great day.
If you can get David to give me a job, great.
If not, I'm totally fine.
" Then she picks the fake lint off of my shoulder and says, "look at you.
" It breaks my heart, and ironically it makes me want to stab her in hers.
She went to the kitchen, go go go! There you are, I'm looking for you.
Have a great day.
If you can get David to give me a job, great, but it's no pressure.
Look at you.
We should go.
Running late.
Yeah, don't wanna be late on my last day of temping.
It'd be silly to ruin my perfect record.
I know there are no official records Come on, Mark! It's hard to believe it's my last day.
The life of a temp.
- Gonna Miss you.
- We'll see each other at home.
But we won't get to wear these cool headsets and pretend we're fighter pilots.
"Iceman, this is Maverick.
You got a bogie on you".
Boss is here.
Hi, guys.
How's it going? You rode your bike all the way to work? Yeah.
I'm just doing what I can to save the planet.
I love that you're so green, David.
That is very cool.
I'm green.
By drinking out of an earth-killing disposable cup? I'm not drinking from it.
I just confiscated it from Doris over there.
Way to melt the ice caps, Doris! Katie, would you follow me in? Mark, take my bike, please.
This bike's not very heavy.
I'm just gonna set it down here anyway.
- Oh, my! - Oh, brother.
I need you to come up with some campaign ideas for the green initiative tomorrow.
Ideas, great.
Yeah, I'll tell you more about it in the shower.
We've already showered this morning.
Yeah, look, Mark, could you excuse us? I need to talk to Katie in private.
I'll just be right outside the door.
So, Katie, I want you to give me five fully-fleshed-out green ideas.
Wow me.
Wow me! You.
Wow you.
So I'm gonna shower now.
Did you want me to Should I What did you want me to do here? Towel dropping in five, four, three, two Eject, Katie, ejec! Hey, Thom.
What's in the case? You know how you said that Katie finds David sexy, green, shirtless and rich.
I've got the solution to combat that.
What the hell is that? It's a chicken, Mark.
Now I'm not saying there won't be problems, but I'm rooting for you kids.
Listen, you can't compete with David on any other level, so you've got to get green and big time.
Elizabeth here is a self-contained organic dream.
You feed her scraps, she makes you eggs.
No containers, no gas to transport eggs to market and many other things.
No offense, but how is a stupid chicken going to help me? - Thom, you have a chicken.
- Yes, I do.
Actually, it's Mark's.
You know, since he's so green and all.
That's great.
Yeah, she is a Self-contained organic dream.
You feed her scraps, she makes you eggs.
No containers, no gas to transport eggs to market and many other things.
Good for you, making a difference.
Walking the walk.
Yeah, and squawking the squawk.
Funny man.
So why don't you pitch some of your idea for the green initiative to me? It'll give you confidence.
I don't want to take up your valuable time.
You've got ****** to get out.
Trouble's a-brewin'.
- What do you mean? - Hope just called Katie a bitch.
She thinks Katie stole the job that she should have, and Katie just told Hope to mind her own damn business.
Really? You got all that from that? It's chick code, Mark.
Listen and learn.
Girls never say what they mean.
Come on, use me for practice.
Okay, I have, "green is the new black.
" Or "greenliness is next to godliness.
" Or "you can't recycle after the world is dead.
" Those are totally awesome.
It's worse than I thought.
It's all-out war in there.
Seriously? 'cause I was really listening this time and I didn't get that.
Katie's insecure and threatened by Hope and Hope thinks her ideas are lame.
I really love your ideas, but let me just throw this out there.
Boy, here we go.
- What what? - Pay attention.
You'll see.
We see a sexy girl, half in shadow, turning off the light switch.
The caption reads, "turn me on by turning it off.
" When I was at the network, they told us sex sells.
It's interesting.
I'll play around with it a little, see if it has legs.
Katie's pissed.
The idea's good.
Great! In your face.
Thank you for helping.
Back off, you're never getting my job.
- Good luck.
- You're toast.
- Thanks.
I'll see you later.
- She'll see you later.
In hell.
No, she'll just see her later.
Sometimes chicks actually say what they mean.
Big day today, Katie.
Ideas Let me hear 'em.
Now I'm not wearing any socks, but if I were, i'd tell you to knock 'em off.
Well, first I have, "green is the new black.
" Then I have "greenliness is next to godliness.
" Or "you can't recycle after the world is dead.
" That one makes me sad.
Is that all you got? No no, I have tons.
Okay, here it is.
Just you wait, mister.
We see a pretty girl bathed in shadows, her moistened lips beckoning, her delicate hand teasing a light switch and beneath her, the words: "turn me on by turning it off.
" - I love it! - Really? Yes! I'm so glad, because I worked really hard on it.
I did.
I worked all alone on it.
Me.
I did.
I I'm just gonna go.
Mark, oh my god.
I did a bad thing.
A bad, bad things.
I pitched Hope's idea.
David loved it and I took credit for it.
It was like someone else took over my body.
I stabbed my friend in the back.
What is happening to me? Relax, you're fine.
It's just the corporate world sucking out your soul.
This is gonna be good.
So how was work? What did he think of your ideas? Did you pitch him my great idea? It's hard to tell.
Hard to tell.
Back off, bitch.
You're like the chick whisperer.
Hello.
Hi, David.
It's David.
Yeah, we're all here.
Sure.
You're on, David.
So, Katie, I want all your friends to hear this.
I pitched your idea to the board.
They loved it! It's gonna be a national campaign! You're on speaker! "Turn me on by turning it off" will Thanks, David, bye.
Oh my god.
Don't say a word.
I know what you did.
- You do? - You pitched David my idea.
He loved it, and he's calling to tell me I have a job.
It's like you were there.
You got me a job! Oh my god! I have to call my parents.
I don't know what's happened to me.
One week in the corporate world and I'm a devious backstabbing liar.
I think Katie has found the solution to our nation' unemployment problem.
Simply tell desperate people that they have a job.
Yes, daddy, and I owe it all to Katie.
Dad, you know that check you were gonna send me? Rip it up.
OK, just a sec He wants to thank you.
Hello, Mr.
Daniels.
You're welcome.
I didn't do anything.
No, really, I did nothing.
No, that's OK.
I don't really need to talk to Mrs.
Daniels.
I love you too.
Putting me in your will? That's not necessary.
Okay, bye Hi, grandma Daniels.
All right, gotta go.
You got me a job.
So what am I gonna be doing? How much money am I gonna be making? - How many weeks of vacation do I get? - A lot.
- So when do I start? - Soon.
- Soon.
- Tomorrow? Yes, tomorrow.
But only if you are willing to not go into the office at all.
What? Not go in? Right, because You're telecommuting.
You're working from home.
It's part of the green thing.
Right.
Telecommuting.
In fact, if you were to go into the office, it would be like punching a polar bear.
With a hummer.
I'm headed to work.
I'm gonna beg David to hire hope.
- Is this outfit sexy enough? - It's too sexy.
Might wanna put a fighter pilot suit on that.
While I'm at work just for today, I need you to keep a close eye on her.
That's easy.
But if she escapes, I'll call and say, "the chicken has left the coop.
" That'll be code for "Hope left the apartment.
" I'm not sure why we need the code.
She'll b be gone You'll be able to speak plaininly.
So isn't this exciting? Working from taking naps when you want, watching tv, drinking.
So I meant to ask you, how much am I making? I will put it in to payroll today, but in the meantime, here is $7.
Signing bonus.
OK then, have a good first day at work, you worker bee you.
Now don't leave the hive, honey.
Doris, Doris, Doris, hi.
I have something big to ask David.
Is this too slutty? Did you ever get what you wanted using your sex appeal? No? Okay.
Come on, Katie.
You can do it.
So, David, I wanted to ask you something.
Did you get a convertible? No.
I just I wanted something from you to ask you something.
Go ahead.
With the green thing, I really think we could use a bright, talented, young, go-getter around the office.
Yeah, I think the team's in pretty good shape, Katie, unless someone were to quit.
Besides, you're my go-getter.
My phone's ringing.
Go get'er.
Yeah, the life of an actor is a solitary one.
I gotta practice my monologue for my acting class.
First, I need to warm up my voice.
To sit in solemn silence in a dull dark dock in a pestilential prison with a life long lock - awaiting the sensation of a short - Shut up! "It is my lady.
"It is my love.
"That she knew she were.
"She speaks, yet she says nothing.
"What of that? "Her eye discourses.
"I will answer it.
"I am too bold.
"It's not to me she speaks" I'm working here.
"Can't stand it.
Went to office.
" Katie, the chicken has left the coop! The chicken has left the coop! No, not the real chicken.
Hope, she's coming down there! Okay, I can see now that the code is confusing.
Doris, Doris, Doris.
Can I be honest with you? You should quit this job.
You've been here 15 years and what do you have to show for it? An old buick skylark and a smoker's cough.
Buy that boat, sail away.
Carpe diem, Doris.
Carpe diem.
There, you.
You're here.
I'm starving.
Let's hit lunch.
It's 10:30 in the morning.
Well, early lunch.
Late breakfast.
Leakfast.
I'm not hungry.
I need to fill out my start-up paperwork, where's human resources? They're on the fifth floor.
Talk to Ellen.
She'll swear you don't work here.
That's just her little joke.
Go with it.
Stairs are that way.
- Where's Hope? - I sent her to fill out her paperwork.
- Why would you do that? - Why would I tell her she has a job that doesn't exist? I don't know! The door was locked.
Mark, what are you doing here? Well, you missed the end of my monologue.
- It's the best part.
- So, Katie Mark, Hope, hi.
What are you doing here? David, did you see mark? Remember Mark, your old temp from yesterday? David.
Let's catch up.
- I'm kind of busy.
- Too busy to catch up with old Mark? Yes.
You heard him, Hope.
He's too busy to catch up.
Let's go.
Good seeing you all.
David, I was doing some research on the green initiative this morning, and I have a couple ideas I'd like to pitch you.
- Why? - No reason.
No reason at all.
I just wanted to say, I am so excited about the opportunity to work for you.
- What? You don't work for me.
- Yes, I do.
No, you don't.
- Hope, you don't have a job.
- What? The green campaign was Hope's idea.
I took credit because I was insecure.
I am sorry, but you're the one who should be working here.
I'm a bad bad person.
And, David, you're better off without me.
I quit.
Enjoy your new job.
You deserve it.
Bye, David.
Come on, Mark.
- Is she always that cute? - Yeah.
Isn't anybody gonna stop me? You lied to me and told me I had a fake job? Technically, I didn't lie.
I just didn't correct you.
So I'm not as much of a liar as I am a non-corrector.
And I love you, but as I was leaving just now, it hit me like a ton of bricks, I love this job.
It is hugely important to me.
Yeah, I kinda got that when you stole my idea.
You did put a lot of pressure on me.
But that was the plan to get me a job.
Well, plans change.
Especially when you steal someone's idea.
- Fine, stay mad.
- You know what? I will.
You know what pisses me off.
You have always been better than me with this kind of stuff.
And I stole your idea because I was scared I wasn't as good as you.
- I get what you're going through.
- You do? Yes.
At work, back against the wall, pressure's on, and you'll say anything to save yourself.
- You do get it.
- Of course I do.
Sometimes the working world turns us into the worst possible version of who we really are.
And in your case, it's the anti-Katie.
So you do forgive me.
I understand why you did what you did.
Stealing someone's idea is deplorable.
But you did it for me, so great job.
And the idea was Hope's, but you sold it great.
Success is substance and style.
Steak, sizzle.
You're the sizzle.
I am.
I'm the sizzle.
And I'm the steak.
And only a damn fool manager would separate the steak from the sizzle.
Wait, are you saying we're hired? I'm really trying hard to do that, yes.
I have a job! I have a job! I have a job! I have my same job! I have my same job! I have my same job! She gets cuter by the minute.
Okay, David, I'm here.
I'm dressed.
What can I do? Fire Doris.
I'm on break.
Katie, Hope, dinner! Guys? Oh my god.
Elizabeth.
What did they do to you? They filled your cavity with onions.
Those bastards.
You, I haven't met.