Royalties (2020) s01e08 Episode Script
Also You
1
Da-da-da-da-da-da ♪
Do-do-do-do-do ♪
Da-da-da-da-da-da ♪
Ba-da-ba-doobie-do ♪
This is the theme song ♪
This is the theme song, yeah. ♪
[STRING MUSIC PLAYING]
THEO: It's so beautiful.
[SIGHS]
[TAPS BUTTON]
Guys, I got to be honest.
This is the best song
you've ever written.
Seriously. Congratulations.
It's not just our best
song; it really is
- a "Perfect Song".
- "Perfect Song".
Yeah? Well, you guys
have had a stellar year.
So this could literally go
to any artist in the world,
man, woman, dead, alive.
Anything is possible.
- So who's it gonna be?
- That's up to Pierce.
He's the one that did all the
heavy lifting on the lyrics.
Ah No, I mean, I
had you to inspire me.
What with your poise and grace.
You should decide who gets the song.
Or we could talk about it
- over a nice glass of wine
- SARA: Yeah.
You guys go do that. I got a date.
Don't hate me. It's with Glen.
He's back.
- Oh.
- Come on, Sara.
You got to move on with your life.
Guys, Glen says he's grown
a lot since we broke up.
A whole inch and a half, apparently.
He said he's been using
these dick weights,
and I'm really curious to
see if he's telling the truth.
You're not gonna have
sex with him, are you?
I'll play it by ear. Wish me luck.
[DOOR CLOSES]
[SIGHS]
What the hell you looking at?
A reflection, Pierce. A reflection.
What the fuck are you talking about?!
I've never heard of this place.
It's not a place. It's a dimension.
Not one of sight and sound, but of mind.
And the twist is, you've
been there the entire time.
Welcome to the Friend Zone.
No. No, no, no. I-I
refuse to believe this.
Sara already had sex with me.
To get you to write a song.
I thought you'd be pissed.
Pissed at someone for
having sex with me? No.
[CHUCKLES] I-I think not.
I'm-I'm in love with Sara,
and the thought of not
being with her sucks.
But you are with her, every day.
Look, I know the friend
zone gets a bad rap,
but it's a good neighborhood,
and you don't want
to get kicked out of the neighborhood.
So why don't you just do
something positive for a change?
Get all those romantic
feelings for Sara, bottle it up,
put it in a trash compactor
and squish it to death.
And move on.
There's got to be other
girls out there for you.
I mean, there's only one woman I've
ever really liked as much as Sara.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]
I wonder what she's doing right now.
It's you I love, but also you ♪
And also you, and also you ♪
Remember how fun college was? ♪
It's like that but forever ♪
Or having your cake
and eating it, too ♪
It's like that, only better ♪
Oh, I forget anniversaries ♪
Every January, June and September ♪
But I always remember that it's ♪
You I love, but also you ♪
And also you, and also you ♪
My love is a butterfly,
it goes around ♪
Wherever it pleases ♪
And it has way more sex,
way more date nights ♪
And it gets to hurt
more people's feelings ♪
Oh, I'm casting my love net wide ♪
And fillin' every
hole in my schedule ♪
Ah ♪
Ever since I met you ♪
Baby, it's you I love ♪
- But also you ♪
- And also you ♪
- And also you ♪
- And also you ♪
And also you ♪
Oh, whoa-oh ♪
Oh, oh-oh ♪
Ooh, hey ♪
Hey, hey, hey! ♪
Hey, McKenzie.
Pierce. Hi.
[CHUCKLES]
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]
When I asked Sara who would
best bring this song to life,
the one and only name
she gave was Miriam Hale.
I grew up on your music.
I mean, you are the
soundtrack of my childhood.
If I got to work with you, it
would be a dream come true.
Well, I love the song, and, uh,
I think it's gonna be a big hit on MTV.
Mother, get with the times.
You ever heard of Spotify?
Don't lecture me on my
music, Bailey Rouge.
- My daughter thinks she can sing.
- Oh. [CHUCKLES]
Are you a musician as well?
I am a singer/influencer.
Ooh, that's wonderful.
Are you using your influence
- for the betterment of mankind?
- BAILEY: Yeah.
I tell people what makeup to buy.
Oriette's the best 'cause they pay me.
MIRIAM: Well, how about this?
How about I send out an Instagram tweet?
Yeah, I'd like to see you try.
I just as soon as I can turn it on,
- I will.
- Yeah, I'll do it.
MIRIAM: I would like my tweet to say
that I have a new single coming out.
It's called "Perfect Song".
You can all get it very
soon at your local Spotify.
Oh, my God. This is amazing.
It was absolutely amazing.
His penis really was bigger.
You saw his penis?
Y-You had sex with him?
No, he pulled it out and
signed a check with it.
Oh.
Oh, and another amazing thing happened.
Miriam Hale wants to do "Perfect Song".
Wait, I thought you said that I was
gonna choose who got the song.
Is that what we said?
I thought that we said I was gonna pick.
Who cares? Who are we gonna get
who's bigger than Miriam Hale?
[STAMMERS] I was thinking that
maybe we could give the song
to somebody, um, I don't
know, like a smaller artist.
- And who did you have in mind?
- Oh, I don't know.
Well, I do know. Uh,
I was actually thinking
maybe Polly Amorous
and the Unicorn Guild?
Seriously? Your old band?
Yeah. Why not?
Well, I can think of a lot of reasons.
For one, they're nobodies.
Last night, I I ran into McKenzie.
You dumped McKenzie
because she drove you crazy.
No, no, no, no. I The
fact that she was dating
the other four members of the
band is what drove me crazy.
Nothing to do with her. She's great.
She's free-spirited
and she's always high.
She is the kind of person that you could
spend the rest of your life with.
We are not throwing away "Perfect Song"
on some half-baked
scheme to get you laid.
It That's not at all
what this is about,
and it's a great plan.
Pierce, this is so stupid!
Working with Miriam is clearly
the best decision for our career.
Did it ever occur to you
that maybe, just maybe,
I don't like where we are now?
You want to go back
to being broke losers?
There were a lot of really great
things about the way things were,
things that are worth preserving.
Not things you just take
and use up and throw out.
- When did I do that?
- With Papa. With Glen.
Who's next? What, you
gonna throw me out?
Yeah, if you keep pissing me off!
I'd love to see you try and
write anything without me.
Oh, so now I'm not talented?
You know what, Pierce? You want
to go write with your old band?
Go. Be my guest.
But McKenzie is not
getting my "Perfect Song".
Your "Perfect Song"? Oh
Don't you mean my "Perfect Song"?
I'll tell you something, Sara.
If McKenzie can't get "Perfect Song",
then neither can Miriam Hale.
Fine. Go!
[DOOR CLOSES]
I don't need you.
I don't need anybody.
Can I go home, then?
No. I need you.
Fuck.
Sara's upset now, yeah. ♪
Da-da-da-da-da-da ♪
Do-do-do-do-do ♪
Da-da-da-da-da-da ♪
Ba-da-ba-doobie-do ♪
This is the theme song ♪
This is the theme song, yeah. ♪
[STRING MUSIC PLAYING]
THEO: It's so beautiful.
[SIGHS]
[TAPS BUTTON]
Guys, I got to be honest.
This is the best song
you've ever written.
Seriously. Congratulations.
It's not just our best
song; it really is
- a "Perfect Song".
- "Perfect Song".
Yeah? Well, you guys
have had a stellar year.
So this could literally go
to any artist in the world,
man, woman, dead, alive.
Anything is possible.
- So who's it gonna be?
- That's up to Pierce.
He's the one that did all the
heavy lifting on the lyrics.
Ah No, I mean, I
had you to inspire me.
What with your poise and grace.
You should decide who gets the song.
Or we could talk about it
- over a nice glass of wine
- SARA: Yeah.
You guys go do that. I got a date.
Don't hate me. It's with Glen.
He's back.
- Oh.
- Come on, Sara.
You got to move on with your life.
Guys, Glen says he's grown
a lot since we broke up.
A whole inch and a half, apparently.
He said he's been using
these dick weights,
and I'm really curious to
see if he's telling the truth.
You're not gonna have
sex with him, are you?
I'll play it by ear. Wish me luck.
[DOOR CLOSES]
[SIGHS]
What the hell you looking at?
A reflection, Pierce. A reflection.
What the fuck are you talking about?!
I've never heard of this place.
It's not a place. It's a dimension.
Not one of sight and sound, but of mind.
And the twist is, you've
been there the entire time.
Welcome to the Friend Zone.
No. No, no, no. I-I
refuse to believe this.
Sara already had sex with me.
To get you to write a song.
I thought you'd be pissed.
Pissed at someone for
having sex with me? No.
[CHUCKLES] I-I think not.
I'm-I'm in love with Sara,
and the thought of not
being with her sucks.
But you are with her, every day.
Look, I know the friend
zone gets a bad rap,
but it's a good neighborhood,
and you don't want
to get kicked out of the neighborhood.
So why don't you just do
something positive for a change?
Get all those romantic
feelings for Sara, bottle it up,
put it in a trash compactor
and squish it to death.
And move on.
There's got to be other
girls out there for you.
I mean, there's only one woman I've
ever really liked as much as Sara.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]
I wonder what she's doing right now.
It's you I love, but also you ♪
And also you, and also you ♪
Remember how fun college was? ♪
It's like that but forever ♪
Or having your cake
and eating it, too ♪
It's like that, only better ♪
Oh, I forget anniversaries ♪
Every January, June and September ♪
But I always remember that it's ♪
You I love, but also you ♪
And also you, and also you ♪
My love is a butterfly,
it goes around ♪
Wherever it pleases ♪
And it has way more sex,
way more date nights ♪
And it gets to hurt
more people's feelings ♪
Oh, I'm casting my love net wide ♪
And fillin' every
hole in my schedule ♪
Ah ♪
Ever since I met you ♪
Baby, it's you I love ♪
- But also you ♪
- And also you ♪
- And also you ♪
- And also you ♪
And also you ♪
Oh, whoa-oh ♪
Oh, oh-oh ♪
Ooh, hey ♪
Hey, hey, hey! ♪
Hey, McKenzie.
Pierce. Hi.
[CHUCKLES]
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]
When I asked Sara who would
best bring this song to life,
the one and only name
she gave was Miriam Hale.
I grew up on your music.
I mean, you are the
soundtrack of my childhood.
If I got to work with you, it
would be a dream come true.
Well, I love the song, and, uh,
I think it's gonna be a big hit on MTV.
Mother, get with the times.
You ever heard of Spotify?
Don't lecture me on my
music, Bailey Rouge.
- My daughter thinks she can sing.
- Oh. [CHUCKLES]
Are you a musician as well?
I am a singer/influencer.
Ooh, that's wonderful.
Are you using your influence
- for the betterment of mankind?
- BAILEY: Yeah.
I tell people what makeup to buy.
Oriette's the best 'cause they pay me.
MIRIAM: Well, how about this?
How about I send out an Instagram tweet?
Yeah, I'd like to see you try.
I just as soon as I can turn it on,
- I will.
- Yeah, I'll do it.
MIRIAM: I would like my tweet to say
that I have a new single coming out.
It's called "Perfect Song".
You can all get it very
soon at your local Spotify.
Oh, my God. This is amazing.
It was absolutely amazing.
His penis really was bigger.
You saw his penis?
Y-You had sex with him?
No, he pulled it out and
signed a check with it.
Oh.
Oh, and another amazing thing happened.
Miriam Hale wants to do "Perfect Song".
Wait, I thought you said that I was
gonna choose who got the song.
Is that what we said?
I thought that we said I was gonna pick.
Who cares? Who are we gonna get
who's bigger than Miriam Hale?
[STAMMERS] I was thinking that
maybe we could give the song
to somebody, um, I don't
know, like a smaller artist.
- And who did you have in mind?
- Oh, I don't know.
Well, I do know. Uh,
I was actually thinking
maybe Polly Amorous
and the Unicorn Guild?
Seriously? Your old band?
Yeah. Why not?
Well, I can think of a lot of reasons.
For one, they're nobodies.
Last night, I I ran into McKenzie.
You dumped McKenzie
because she drove you crazy.
No, no, no, no. I The
fact that she was dating
the other four members of the
band is what drove me crazy.
Nothing to do with her. She's great.
She's free-spirited
and she's always high.
She is the kind of person that you could
spend the rest of your life with.
We are not throwing away "Perfect Song"
on some half-baked
scheme to get you laid.
It That's not at all
what this is about,
and it's a great plan.
Pierce, this is so stupid!
Working with Miriam is clearly
the best decision for our career.
Did it ever occur to you
that maybe, just maybe,
I don't like where we are now?
You want to go back
to being broke losers?
There were a lot of really great
things about the way things were,
things that are worth preserving.
Not things you just take
and use up and throw out.
- When did I do that?
- With Papa. With Glen.
Who's next? What, you
gonna throw me out?
Yeah, if you keep pissing me off!
I'd love to see you try and
write anything without me.
Oh, so now I'm not talented?
You know what, Pierce? You want
to go write with your old band?
Go. Be my guest.
But McKenzie is not
getting my "Perfect Song".
Your "Perfect Song"? Oh
Don't you mean my "Perfect Song"?
I'll tell you something, Sara.
If McKenzie can't get "Perfect Song",
then neither can Miriam Hale.
Fine. Go!
[DOOR CLOSES]
I don't need you.
I don't need anybody.
Can I go home, then?
No. I need you.
Fuck.
Sara's upset now, yeah. ♪