Ryan Hansen Solves Crimes on Television (2017) s01e08 Episode Script

What up, YouTube Redheads? It's your boy, Ryan H, the Han-man.
I'm still bumming about my last case.
Mathers, my partner in crime-solving, got suspended, which sucks.
Plus, the killer got away, which sucks even more, because I'm a big fan of narrative resolution.
Now, for those of you young kids out there, we are in the middle of what is called a two-part episode.
But I'm pretty sure I'll solve it at the end of this one since there's no such thing as a three-part episode.
And if you do a cliffhanger and don't show what happens at the end, it's like audience blue balls.
Man, "Cliffhanger" is such a good movie.
Stallone at the peak of comeback two of four, Renny Harlin before "Cutthroat Island" made him move to China.
Anyhow, the killer is, like, obsessed with me.
Keeps calling me at all hours, asking questions about movies on my IMDb page, you know.
Having a stalker is not as much as fun as I thought it would be.
Seriously.
Oh, speak of the devil it's the killer.
Hello.
Hello, Ryan.
We're going to play a little game, one in which I will push you to find out what you're truly capable of.
Are you ready to step over the edge of sanity? Yeah, whatever, man.
Just make sure and wrap it up neatly at the end.
Kids these days have a super-short attention span.
I've left you a present where your Hollywood dreams began.
My eighth-grade production of "Music Man"? No, the apartment you first lived in when you moved to L.
A.
Oh, wow, that was so long ago.
Okay, I only remember it was north of North Hollywood, in No-No-Ho, you know? Okay, I'll give you the address.
Okay, let me get a pen.
Oh.
You know what, that's gonna be tough.
I'm on the back lot, and there's nobody else here.
Seriously?! Fine! I'm texting it to you, but this is the last help I'm giving you on this one.
See what I mean? Total psycho.
That's why I'm here.
The best way to get into the mind of a psycho is to visit the set of the movie "Psycho.
" I think Stanislavski said that.
Maybe it was Daniel Day-Lewis.
Either way, the folks at the studio were kind enough to close off the park and let me have this time to myself Hey, asshole! You're not allowed to be here! Get back on the tram! He must be talking to somebody else.
Priya, walk me through it.
All of the victims were killed with an injection by some kind of poison, then the bodies were moved here.
It's crazy that none of the neighbors even noticed.
Yeah, well, living in the deep valley is a lot like prison.
To survive, got to keep your head down.
It's nothing like prison.
Wh Ryan.
Yeah? Oh, she's with me.
Thanks for bringing me in on this case.
Would have killed me not to work it.
Well, technically, I'm working the case.
They gave me a gun and everything.
You're here as a civilian observer.
- You got a gun? - With almost no training.
Crazy, right? Don't worry, they gave you something, too.
Look at this thing.
Bam! - Oh! - What, come on.
It's not that bad.
Never been so humiliated in my life.
You look like my dog when he has to wear the cone of shame.
You look like a 40-year-old man who plays hacky sack for fun.
Whatever, dick.
Walk me through it.
All of the victims were killed with an injection.
Whoa, whoa, hey! Do not walk Eric Christian Olsen through it.
This is my case.
The killer was sending me a message, okay? Oh, yeah? What message is that? Subscription fees are due for your little porn sideshow? Come on.
Hansen, serial killer is a little bit above your pay grade.
Not mine, though, 'cause I'm making half a million dollars an episode on "NCIS: L.
A.
" before residuals.
24 episodes.
Do the math.
That's $12 million.
So just go back to letting your fans sit on your lap at your little "Veronica Mars" conventions.
It's called VeroniCon.
That's clever.
And I'm banned for life for wrongly accusing Kristen Bell of murder.
Well, that seems like a poor decision.
So why don't you and your crossing guard partner here I'm not his partner.
She's a civilian observer, and I'm solving this case because it's personal.
And a TV detective never gives up when it's personal.
Would Marty Deeks on "NCIS: L.
A.
" let a case go that was personal? That's a fictional TV show that has no bearing whatso Shut up, McConnell! Yes, sir.
So why do you think it's personal? This is my old apartment.
Do you see that wall? Behind that bookcase, I used to have posters of "Scarface" and "Goodfellas.
" That's where I did all my self-taped auditions.
Doesn't get more personal than that, and you know that! What? Nothing, I just I just had the same exact posters in my place when I first came out here to self-tape for "Dawson's Creek.
" Oh.
I didn't know we had the same uniquely cool taste.
You know what's crazy about this is that my first audition ever I booked it I did the I did the monologue from "Scarface.
" Yeah.
"All I have in this world is my balls and my word.
" "And I don't break 'em for nobody.
" Wow.
I did that exact same monologue.
I'm gonna be sick.
You know what, Hansen you got this.
I believe in you, God damn it.
Bring it in.
Wow.
Thanks, buddy.
- Hold it.
- What? Hold it.
Mm.
Mm.
Oh, you smell good.
Mm.
Drakkar Noir? Drakkar Noir.
- Another one? - Yeah, one more.
Come on.
One for the road.
Mmm! All right, thank you, man.
- Mmm! - The best.
I just hope they give an arc to Marty Deeks this juicy.
Wow.
McConnell.
I do a Joe Pesci from "Goodfellas.
" "Oh, the clown, I'm a clown" God damn it, McConnell! Get in the car.
What a guy.
Oh, shit.
Thought there might be something behind the bookcase.
I guess the escape room got to my head.
Wait! The killer is totally ripping off "Se7en," which makes sense, because I have the smoldering intensity of a young Brad Pitt and you're like Morgan Freeman.
Wh Because you're the more seasoned police officer, obvi.
Look, what are the seven deadly sins of Hollywood? Well, why don't we just go ask the victims? Let's see here.
Um using a PC.
Not adopting a shelter dog.
Voting Republican.
Bad plastic surgery.
Aging.
And yep.
Going to the Grove on a weekend.
And eating gluten.
Wait, you how do you know this? Everybody in Hollywood knows that.
Oh, and putting your career second, but that's more of a cardinal sin.
I wonder where they got this much invisible ink.
That's semen.
And just so you know I'm not homophobic at all.
I don't care if there's semen on my hands or any or everywhere.
It doesn't matter.
#LoveIsLove.
Right.
I told the medical examiner's office to run the DNA from the semen through the database, if that's okay with you Detective.
Hey, I know you're upset.
But you shouldn't have thrown away your vest.
Plus, there are some perks to me being in charge, right? Get to ride in my new sweet whip.
Don't say "whip.
" They say your car payment shouldn't be more - than your monthly income, but - I don't think they say that.
I figured I deserve to treat myself.
Plus, Donald gave me a sweet deal, you know, 'cause I shot out his window.
I cannot believe they actually gave you a gun.
I shoot guns all the time.
In video games.
So I have great aim, and I am desensitized to violence.
It is a win-win.
But it is kind of digging into my hip.
Whoa, hey! What what are you doing? Oh, it's cool.
This car has autopilot.
It's from the future.
Watch, check it out.
See that? Pretty cool, right? And it won't run over anyone unless you want it to.
I can even control it from my smart watch.
What kind of car is this? I'm gonna let you in on a little secret.
Hollywood A-listers get access to the super-limited-edition prototypes kind of like James Bond, or actors who play James Bond.
This one's a triple hybrid.
What's a triple hybrid? Half hybrid, half electric, half vegan.
That's three halves.
I don't really know how it works, but I know that there was less than a hundred of them made, and only 23 of them had batteries that exploded, so you are welcome.
Call from Medical Examiner Priya.
Answer.
Detective Hansen, we've got a hit on the semen.
It belongs to a personal trainer named Ronald Whitmore.
Oh, shit Ronnie? Wait, you know him? Yeah, he used to be my personal trainer and my neighbor when I lived in Los Feliz.
Car, go to Los Feliz.
Are you serious? It's not K.
I.
T.
T.
from "Knight Rider.
" I reprogrammed its name so you get its attention by saying, "Okay, Snowflake.
" Yes, Ryan? Take me and my partner to Los Feliz.
We're not partners.
"Texting and driving has never been safer.
" Are you Stop it.
Clear.
God.
Oh, we're too late.
Sweet, sweet Ronnie.
Oh! He got me in shape for so many pilot seasons.
Well, buddy, I hope you're up in Heaven demanding an egg-white omelette with no butter and no oil.
Oh, God! When the killer makes it personal, it just feels so personal! Sorry.
Oh I think he might have died from an allergic reaction to gluten.
That's not a thing.
My guess is that the killer poisoned that scone.
Oh, man, even bodies one for every sin.
That's weird, right? I mean, it's our eighth episode.
I thought there'd be eight victims.
What?! I thought you said the room was clear! Well, I didn't know clear actually meant anything! What? How'd she get so far ahead of us? Well, she's clearly a runway model.
They're like half-human, half-deer.
I mean, with legs like that, we'll never catch up to her.
All right, let's call in the helicopter, get an aerial view.
No, there's not enough time.
Hey, my buddy Ronnie took me hiking in these hills a hundred times.
I know every nook and cranny.
Plus, when I was single, I dated a ton of models.
I can track her.
I told you she was a model.
That shot's going straight to Instagram.
Freeze, police! Although, technically, only I'm the police.
She's just an observer that has no legal authority.
Stay where you are! - I'll jump! - Don't! We we just want to talk to you.
Uh, though, to be clear, you don't have to talk to her, just me.
Why is that necessary? What, you're suspended.
I'm just trying to help.
How is undermining me in front of the suspect helping me? Well, I wouldn't have to say anything if you just put on your vest.
Oh! At least I'll never get old and gross! - No! - Ow! - Oh! - God damn, Hansen, that was a nice shot.
You hit the 3% of her that was body fat.
Actually, it just went off again by accident, but I promise I'll get the hang of it before I kill anybody.
Ughh! Hey, sorry.
Any kind of police shooting is a big deal.
This is your second, you're not even a cop.
So I'm advanced? What are you gonna say? Okay, I'm gonna say um that I fired the gun, and it felt awesome.
Not that I was God, necessarily, but definitely God-like.
Oh, my God.
Just let me do the talking.
Hey! Good to see you again, Captain Jackson.
Well, it's not good to see you two.
I got a pile of bodies in No-No-Ho, and a serial killer who's hunting for his next victim.
And I find out that you two are gallivanting around Griffith Park.
That is a P.
R.
nightmare for this department! Look, I'll stand up for what Hansen did.
It was a split-second decision.
What? Hansen? No, Hansen's fine.
You don't care that he shot an unarmed suspect? No.
I mean, he's almost a cop and he was a little scared.
That's justified use of force in this department.
Oh, sweet! Hey, where do I get more bullets for this bad boy, like, Rite Aid? Now, do you think they keep them locked up with the razor blades, or behind the counter with the Sudafed? Oh bang! I don't understand.
Then why are you so upset? Because your ass is suspended, and you're running around without your not-a-cop vest.
Wait, seriously? I told her to keep it on.
Oh, and you're disobeying the officer in charge! You're double suspended! How does that work? Give me that gun and the badge! - But, sir, you - I don't want to hear it! You interfere with this case one more time and you are fired.
Get the hell out of my office.
Oh, wow! Get the hell out of my office! I don't want to get you fired.
I'll take this interrogation.
You can't do it alone.
Why, 'cause you don't think I'm a real cop? No.
Because I think you're stupid.
But the captain said that, like I won't even talk, okay? I'll just sit here and observe, like I'm supposed to.
Just don't insult me in front of the suspect, okay? That was some pretty impressive sprinting you did up those hills.
How do you keep in such good shape Barry's Boot Camp? - Barre Method.
- Seriously? That gives you that kind of cardio stamina? Wow! I did, like, a pole-dancing class for years, and I loved what it did for my upper body, but Let's go ahead and get back to the case.
You are clearly obsessed with me.
Now, I'm sorry, I don't remember you.
Did we, like, hook up and I didn't call you back? Is that why you're stalking me? But I get it.
Attractive people can only date people at their level, and the only person that you ever found at your level - well, it was me.
- Think I'm gonna throw up.
I'm sorry, I have no idea who you are.
And I don't find you attractive.
What are you talking about? What I'm talking about is seven dead princesses.
My questions is, how many more dead bodies is it gonna take to satisfy your blood lust, you sick freak?! What? I didn't kill these people.
We know you killed Ronnie! That man was like a brother to me.
He gave me something nobody else was able to give me those V indents you know, like D'Angelo.
All right, he made me do it.
He made me do it, I had no choice.
He blackmailed me.
But he didn't ask me to kill Ronnie, just jerk him off.
Oh.
Oh, oh, oh! And deliver the evidence.
Who put you up to this? I never saw his face.
I have no idea who he was.
What did he have on you? He threatened to leak my sex tape if I didn't do what he wanted.
So what? The Kardashian empire was built on a sex tape.
Yeah, but this was a bad sex tape.
'Cause it was so crazy? No, it was a tape of bad sex.
Look, my entire image is unapproachable sexuality.
If people found out that sex with me is the same as sex with anyone else, I would be ruined.
It's the killer.
Listen up, you son of a bitch Yes? Uh No, I don't have anything, I thought you were gonna interrupt me and then No, this is your show, Ryan.
You're the one calling the shots, and I've given you plenty of clues to figure out who I am.
You're going to have to find me before I kill again.
Toodles! Did we get a trace? Yes.
The call is coming from inside your ass.
What? I told you not to insult me in front of the suspect.
- Come on.
- Oops.
Shit.
You have gone insane.
It's six degrees of me.
Everything he's done targets me and the people I know.
First, the killer framed Kristen Bell, one of my closest friends.
Then he ripped off the plot to "L.
A.
Confidential," starring Danny DeVito, who I acted alongside with in "House Broken.
" I have never seen that.
It went direct to video.
Next, the killer targeted my personal trainer, Ronnie, who Oksana Baiul introduced me to while filming "Cutting Edge 2: Going for the Gold.
" - Never heard of that, either.
- It also went direct to video.
And, finally, we are currently in a "Se7en" -inspired murder spree.
"Se7en," starring Brad Pitt, was in "Kalifornia" with Juliette Lewis, who I starred with in "Jem and the Holograms.
" Was that direct to video? It was released nationwide in theaters, and then pulled after the first week.
Do you realize what this all means? That you will literally say yes to anything.
No, that I'm being targeted because I'm an actor.
Everything revolves around me, I'm the focal point of everything that has happened and everything that will happen.
And? And that's all I have so far.
Oh, my God.
That's our specials blackboard.
Who freakin' cares?! There is a serial killer on the loose! It took me two hours to do that calligraphy.
Do you know how hard it is to spell "cappuccino"? It's impossible.
I am so sorry.
Everybody has their own journey.
Mine is no more important than yours.
- All right.
- It's okay.
I hated that blackboard anyway.
Focus.
Now, the killer said he gave you the clues to solve this, right? So that means we don't have to get inside his head, we have to get inside yours.
Now, are you ready for this? Okay.
Yes.
Who am I? I'm Ryan Hansen.
I'm an actor.
Now, why can't I figure out who the killer is? Well, because as an actor, I'm paid to say stuff after it's already been figured out.
- That's it! - What? You know who the killer is? No, but I know who will.
Hey, is anybody here a writer? Anybody a working writer? Great.
I need your help.
- Hey, I'm - I know who you are.
You just shouted "I'm Ryan Hansen" a bunch of times over there.
You guys making a movie? Who's this for? It's YouTube Red.
- Yikes.
- Yeah, I know.
It's an emerging platform.
And our show is a meta crime procedural currently in the middle of a loose "Se7en" parody.
What do you think, can you help us? Yeah, I don't work for free.
Can we get the writer a Danish? - Two.
- No.
Deal.
Suckers.
I would have done this for day-old.
Okay, question.
Is this a big episode? Very.
It's the second half of a two-part season finale.
And the killer could be a celebrity.
You know, someone who's slumming, or trying to change their image up by playing a serial killer.
I just saw an "SVU" where Henry Winkler played a con man who killed his wife.
So if you know anyone Fonzie-esque, it's probably them.
Someone like Jon Cryer! Henry Winkler-yer! Jon Cryer.
Jon Cry yeah, that could work.
Okay, now I would show a bunch of flashbacks of Jon Cryer leaving clues before that you're only now putting together, you know, as a visual aid for the audience.
That's why they pay me the big bucks to step on stage and kill.
I'm always happy to help, Ryan.
You're one of the few people I actually like.
I could flat-out murder a stranger and feel nothing.
Okay.
So we know who the killer is.
Now we just need to use the element of surprise to How dare you kill all those people, Jon Cryer? Oh, fuck me! Oh, hey, Ry.
Wait, your wife wants to say hi for a second.
Ryan, Jon Cryer's gone insane! - Amy! - He said I'm number eight, whatever that means.
That's enough.
Your family and I hope to see you soon, but, please, come alone.
Should I No? No, you don't want the writer on set, do you, no.
Look, I don't want to hear anything about suspension or observation.
Whoa, I thought you said that was your gym bag.
I'm putting a bullet in this fucker and no one's gonna stop me.
You know why I took all those roles in bad movies? Why I even took this show? Because I will never stop providing for my family.
Everything I do is for them.
And now we're gonna save them.
He said, "Walk in there alone.
" Ryan, now is not the time to pull some officer-in-charge shit.
I'm not.
I'm not a cop right now.
I am just a father and a husband, and I need to make sure my family is safe.
So I am going through that door alone.
Hello, Ryan.
You might want to put that gun down.
Oh, what's in the box? What's in the box?! Babe, those are just your vitamin supplements from Amazon.
I gave you a bathroom break.
Now get over here.
I'm not a monster.
I'm not gonna put your wife's head in a box.
I'm going to shoot her, 'cause I am a gentleman.
Jon, I don't understand.
They're making 500 TV shows this year.
The only way to stand out in a crowd is to do something buzzy.
And there's nothing buzzier than a celebrity serial killer.
Plus, I just plain love killing people.
Moving those bodies around in No-No-Ho gave me a boner that lasted so long, I had to consult my physician.
Why are you laughing? Because I am a seasoned professional.
Jon, why do you care about my show so much? Because, Ryan my sweet angel, you and I are two sides of the same coin.
Comic actors whose success has been as sidekicks and supporting players.
Do you realize that I spent eight years working with an insane person who thought that God had granted him magical powers? Not to mention Charlie Sheen! This is your last chance to be the lead that I never could.
All right, just just let my family go.
I can't.
I realized what's been holding you back.
You've been taking roles that Eric Roberts and Tom Sizemore wouldn't touch with a 10-foot boom pole, all because you have to put food on the table for these leeches.
You've been committing the cardinal sin of Hollywood not putting your career first.
But I can absolve you of that by killing your family.
No! Holy shit, this is real! Girls, come on! Girls, go! Come on! Go! - Hansen! - No, come on, get upstairs! But they're fake stairs! That's okay, go with your sisters! Go! Ryan! - Wha! - I don't have a shot! Get Amy! Amy? Amy?! - Honey! - Come on! Honey! Get the children! - Okay! - Go, go! Are you okay? My gun! Damn it! Jesus, fuck! Oh, fuck.
It didn't have to be this way, Ryan.
You have any last words? Yeah.
Okay, Snowball.
Run over Jon Cryer.
What? Oh! Mnh, mnh.
- Daddy, Daddy! - Guys! We were so scared! - Hey! - You saved us.
Oh! I love you so much.
I love you.
Girls, remember when that Filipino billionaire hired Daddy to cater his wedding in my "Party Down" costume? What did Daddy say? You'll do anything for your family.
You're G-D right I will! Jon Cryer's still alive! Somebody call an ambulance! This is really gonna ruin "Pretty in Pink" for me.
Let's get you kids home.
This isn't our home, Dad.
You're hilarious.
Don't you see, Ryan, now you've got an archenemy.
That's a guaranteed season-two pickup.
Guaranteed season-two pickup.
Good thinking back there, using Snowball when you lost your gun.
I told you I was a gamer.
And I just got the high score in "Duckie" Hunt.
- Seriously? - What? What, Jon Cryer's, like, most famous role? Nothing? - I read books.
- Lame.
Books are like podcasts that have been written down.
This is a one-industry town.
To solve crimes in L.
A.
, you have to understand entertainment.
Why would I when I have you partner? What? Seriously? Oh, my God! You know what? - I'm gonna make it Facebook official.
- Okay.
Oh.
Unknown number.
Yeah, right.
Well.
Hello.
Hey, it's Pete Berg.
It's Peter Berg.
I have no idea who that is.
The director of "Hamilton: American Vengeance," the remake with no songs.
Okay, got to act normal, be cool.
'Sup, P.
Berg? Uh, listen, man.
I saw you dancing on the street, and I got to tell you, I was really impressed with your fearlessness.
So I went back, and I looked at your audition again.
And, uh, unfortunately, you're still not right for the role of white Aaron Burr.
I gave that to the guy from "The Soup," so anyway, that part's not even available.
You are kind of perfect for the role of Hercules Mulligan, though.
And that part shoots in two weeks.
So what do you think? I am honored, Mr.
Pete Berg, sir.
Um, but I already have a job solving crimes on television.
And, you know, if YouTube Red picks up our option, we start season two in two weeks.
YouTube Red, what, are you fucking kidding me? You understand this is undercutting the entire fucking business, these bullshit platforms throwing garbage.
- I'm making a movie.
- Hey, don't worry about me.
You just do what's in your heart.
Looks like you've got a decision to make.
And I need to know now.
You want to be in a movie, or you want to be in a YouTube Red porn bullshit.
I'm talking about a $180 million film here, I got 15 So let me get this straight.
You're flying to Australia to shoot a movie about the American Revolution? Ha.
Hollywood makes no sense to me, man.
Tax rebate, bro.
Apparently, they rebuilt all of colonial New York in the middle of the Outback.
And they even gave dysentery to some of the extras, you know, to make if more period authentic.
But, lucky them, dysentery is a great way to get lean.
Might even try it myself.
Stop the car.
Oh, my God! Is this Sunset? Are we on Sunset? Will you please pull over? You got it.
Oh! Mr.
Hansen, sir, are we still going to the airport? I don't know.
Cliffhanger.