Sabrina The Teenage Witch s01e08 Episode Script

- Phone's for you.
- I didn't hear it ring.
I was on another call.
I think it's Harvey.
Well, why didn't you say so? Scat.
SALEM: I hate when she says that.
- Hello? BOY [OVER PHONE.]
: Hey, Sabrina.
- Hi, Harvey.
- Got a question.
Sure, ask away.
What pages are we supposed to read for Mr.
Pool's class? Just the chapter on digestion up to the large intestine.
- Is that it? - No.
Actually, I'm not calling about homework.
That was just an excuse.
It was? For what? I really called to say, Sabrina, I think you're the prettiest girl in school.
- You do? - Yeah.
And there's something else I wanna tell you.
- What? - I like squid.
I like it a lot.
- Squid rocks! - Who is this? It's Harvey.
[CHUCKLING.]
- Salem.
You are so neutered.
- Uh-oh.
[SALEM CACKLES.]
[SCREAMS.]
And if the soccer team wins again tomorrow, we get to go to the playoffs.
Uh-huh.
Sabrina, did you hear what I said? Sure, you were saying something about something? You're not paying attention.
You keep looking around.
I was sort of expecting Harvey to show up.
So, what were you saying about school? I wasn't saying anything about school.
I was saying if the soccer team-- Wait.
Harvey's here.
- Pretend like we're talking.
- We are talking.
- Hey, guys.
- Hey, Harvey.
Would you be up for a game of foosball? Oh, actually I was just talking to Emma.
That's okay.
You go and play.
I'll finish my story later.
Good, because I really want to hear the end of it.
And the beginning.
- Okay.
- All right.
Let's foos.
I lead, 42 to 38.
Yeah, but you're going down today.
Ball up.
- Spin, spin.
- You're on the ropes.
- Hey, Harvey.
- Hi, Libby.
Goooaaal! What? [FLATLY.]
Ahem.
Goal.
- Hey.
- Oh, hi, Sabrina.
Oh, Harvey called for you about an hour ago.
No, he didn't.
I was just with him.
[SALEM CHUCKLES.]
Why do I never tire of it? So you were out with Harvey.
Did the two of you have a date? No, we were just playing foosball.
Harvey's too oblivious to ask me out on a date.
I wish there was a way I could get Harvey to notice me.
Well, the best way to get someone's attention is to be an interesting person.
Gee, let me think.
What would make me more interesting? I know, what if I had supernatural powers and could blow stuff up.
Careful.
A little close.
Sabrina, that is not the way to get Harvey's attention.
I know.
But it made me feel better.
Look, if you want him to notice you, don't be so available.
Get a hobby or a job.
When I was a girl, I kept bees.
I think I'll get a job.
What kind of job are you looking for? Something to keep me busy on Friday nights.
Yeah, I don't have a boyfriend either.
Hey, look, auditions today for a "lovely magician's assistant.
" That's perfect for me.
[SCOFFS.]
Conceited.
I'm here for the lovely magician's assistant job.
- You're really not qualified.
- Aren't I lovely? Well, yes, Justin, you are.
But you're not a girl.
Well, the sign didn't say anything being a girl.
Would you be willing to wear sequins? - Sure.
- Slit up to here? - No problem.
- Yeah, well, - you're too tall.
Next.
- I'll wear flats.
Next! He'll love you, shorty.
Um, I'm here for the magician's assistant job.
- I'm Sabrina Spellman.
- I know.
- We're in English class together.
- We are? Yeah, I sit three chairs behind you.
Remember, one day, you dropped your pen and I picked it up and you said, "Thanks a lot.
" Yeah, and then you said, "You're welcome.
" Right.
Ha-ha.
Well, you seem qualified.
You're lovely.
Not too tall.
Now, do you have any experience with magic? A little.
I prepared a trick.
Well, you're mostly there for misdirection, but go ahead.
Abracadabra.
That's like Vegas magic.
- You've got the job.
- Cool.
Hey.
You heading over to the Slicery? I can't.
I have rehearsal.
Rehearsal? Are you in a play? No.
I got a job as the lovely assistant in a professional magic act.
Hey, Sabrina.
I heard you joined Magic Joel's freak show.
It's his World of Wonder.
Harvey, I'm heading over to the Slicery.
- See you there? - Sure.
- You coming? - Didn't you hear what I said? I can't.
- This is where the magic happens.
- And the laundry.
Wanna see me saw my dog in half? Your dog? I had to practise on something before you came along.
How did you get into magic anyway? The truth is, I thought it would make girls like me.
- And did it? - See, that's the tragedy.
Girls hate magic.
But I still do it because magic makes me feel special.
But I guess you won't understand that.
Actually, I would.
If only magic were real.
Okay, let's start.
The first illusion you will learn is the Assistant's Revenge.
Wow.
My magic never involved such large props.
You're not a professional.
Okay, now, before I show it to you, you must swear never to reveal the amaZing and mystifying secrets of magic.
I swear I will never tell.
- The amaZing and-- - And mystifying secrets of magic.
Right.
So how does it work? Step in.
Now, I buckle the buckles and lock the stocks.
Are you almost done? You know, my dog never complained.
Now, I close the curtain, and I walk around the back, and presto, change-o.
SABRINA: Ow, my foot.
JOEL: Sorry.
Now say, "Isn't he amaZing?" Isn't he amaZing? Thanks.
Now close the curtain again.
JOEL: Open it again.
Hey, where did you go? I disappeared.
Heh-heh.
- AmaZing.
- It's our big finale.
Now, let's talk wardrobe.
I'm thinking a velour pantsuit with a plunging neckline.
And what will you wear? You didn't have to walk me home.
Well, after rehearsal, I always had to walk my dog too.
- Well, I'll see you.
- But before I go.
- Isn't he amaZing? - For you.
Thanks.
See you tomorrow.
Oh! Watch me disappear.
- Who was that? - Joel.
He seems like a nice boy.
Yeah.
Did Harvey call? I don't think so.
But check with the cat.
Oh, I shouldn't have.
Pick a card, any card, and I will amaZe and astound you.
You mean bother and bore me.
Hi, Harvey.
Can I sit with you? What's wrong with your table? It's too close to Magic Joel.
I can't believe you're working with him.
- You're working with Joel? - I told you.
I'm his lovely assistant.
- You never pay any attention.
- Yes, I do.
You got pudding right there.
[CHUCKLES.]
I hope this beautiful tie isn't valuable.
Well, it's my favourite tie, but-- What are you doing? Magic, Mr.
Pool.
Magic to amaZe and astound you.
Presto, change-o.
Huh.
How did you do that? I think you made it cleaner.
Mr.
Pool, I'm gonna make you an offer that you can't refuse.
So Claire comes over-- You know Claire.
- No.
- Well, she had the best story about Alice.
You know Alice.
- No.
- I'm telling the story anyway.
- See-- - Sabrina, I've got great news.
Excuse me.
Business.
Thanks to Mr.
Pool, we got our first big gig.
It's tomorrow here in the cafeteria.
- All right.
The cafeteria? - Yeah.
Do I have to wear a hair net? Tomorrow evening, then.
That sounds great.
Okay.
Bye.
Who was that? What's going on? I could only hear your side of the conversation.
- That was my old college buddy.
- Galileo? No, Ethan Boddicker.
He's coming over tomorrow night for dinner.
Mm, Zelda, you have a date.
It's not a date.
It's dinner with a colleague.
And you're welcome to join us.
I'd rather die.
But thanks.
Ta-da.
What do you think? Do I look more interesting? You look like some cheesy magician's assistant.
His name is Joel.
And when we perform in the cafeteria tomorrow all eyes will be on us, and Harvey will have to notice me.
What is Sabrina doing up there? - Since when did she join a magic act? - Behold.
The linking rings are unlinked.
Unlinked.
Still linked.
[CHUCKLES WEAKLY.]
Isn't he amaZing? AmaZingly lame.
ALL: Ha-ha-ha.
- Shh! I can't take the pressure.
You can do this, Joel.
Move on to the tie trick.
[SIGHS.]
Sir, may I have your tie so that I can perform a trick that will amaZe and astound you? Why of course.
I love this trick.
Ha-ha.
- Now I hope this tie isn't valuable.
- Ho-ho.
CraZy.
Ha.
- Uh-oh.
- Uh-oh? You mean "presto.
" No, I messed up.
I cut the wrong part.
You ruined my tie? Grandpa's tie? Isn't he amaZing? No.
- Let's go to the big finish.
- Good idea.
And now, ladies and gentlemen, for the big finale, I will make my lovely assistant disappear.
You know, Sabrina really found the perfect boyfriend.
She and Joel are going out? That's what I heard.
All right, as you can see, she cannot escape.
Now.
JOEL: Presto, change-o.
Ta-da.
[APPLAUSE.]
Leave him in there.
Now, Magic Joel will disappear.
JOEL: No, wait, my pants are stuck.
- What do you mean? JOEL: Oh, I blew the trick.
We'll make it work.
JOEL: No, don't! See, Magic Joel has disappeared.
- Wow.
How'd they do that? - Magic, I guess.
Show's over.
- Joel? Joel, where are you? JOEL: I'm right here.
- Where? JOEL: In the stocks.
JOEL: What am I, invisible? Ow, my eye.
JOEL: You mean, I'm actually invisible? - I don't know what happened.
JOEL: I do.
All my hard work paid off.
My magic is real.
It's real all right.
Okay, now we have to change you back.
JOEL: Why? This is great.
I can go anywhere, I can do anything.
I am Magic Joel.
Joel? Joel? Joel? Where did he go? Joel? Joel? Sabrina.
Hi, Harvey.
I saw the show and I have a question.
I can't tell you how the tricks are done.
No, I just wanted to know if it was true that you and Joel are going out.
JOEL: Yes.
- No.
- Did someone say yes? JOEL: Yes.
No.
I'm practising my ventriloquism for the act.
But, uh, we'll talk later.
Right now, I've got to go into Mr.
Pool's room.
I'm also doing mime.
How dare you? You have no right telling Harvey we're boyfriend and girlfriend.
JOEL: Why not? - Because we're not.
JOEL: I gave you a flower and you took it.
That doesn't mean anything.
JOEL: Maybe not to you, but it does to me.
Look, Joel, we have a business relationship and that's it.
JOEL: But Harvey doesn't even notice you.
I would worship you.
You'd be my everything.
I don't wanna be your everything.
Sabrina, what are you doing in my classroom.
I came to ask you a question.
Ask away as I staple my tie back together.
Okay, I wanted to know if you enjoyed the magic show.
[SIGHS.]
Uh-- Not really.
Joel ruined my favourite tie.
There's really something not right about that boy.
- What was that? - A gust of wind? In this windowless prison cell? Anyway, you know, I thought you were really polished.
My advice, lose Joel.
You don't need him.
- Mr.
Pool.
- Sabrina.
Don't be so harsh.
This magic thing is a lot harder than it looks.
Well, I'd better get going.
Come on.
[SIGHS.]
[GRUNTS.]
Grandpa? [PHONE RINGS.]
- Hello.
- Aunt Hilda, you have to help me.
I turned Joel invisible.
Calm down.
You just need to give him a shot of visibility powder.
It's right here in the cabinet.
Can you bring it to me? You still don't get this witch thing, do you? Are you alone? Pretty much.
- Got it.
- Just spray some in his face and he'll be fine.
See.
No problem.
No problem except now I have to find him.
Let's see, a 16-year-old invisible boy loose in a high school.
- Where would he go? - Oh, no.
Keep your shirts on.
Don't change.
I smell smoke.
Run.
[ALL SCREAMING.]
SABRINA: Panic! Don't inhale! JOEL: Mean.
I knew you'd be here.
Look, Joel, we need to talk.
JOEL: Did you come to tell me you changed your mind? No.
JOEL: What are you doing with that talcum powder? I thought you might be chafing.
JOEL: I know you probably don't see much of me right now, but you will.
I'll make you notice me, Sabrina.
You wait and see.
Ethan.
I'm so glad you came.
Zelda, you look great.
You never seem to age.
Well, let's not talk about me.
Let's talk about the search for monopoles.
- Ah.
You read my last paper.
- I couldn't put it down.
Oh, Zelda.
I'm late for my tea at the Harvard Club.
- Are you Ethan? - Yes.
Oh, my God.
Excuse me.
- What's going on? - Oh, it's stuck.
Why didn't you tell me Ethan was cute? I don't think about the way he looks.
I think about the way he thinks.
I think he's cute.
Weren't you going to Harvard for some tea? No, stupid, I was making fun of you.
Ugh.
Now I'm staying here.
Oh, how's my hair? You have brain head.
Where have you been? Looking for Joel.
- I haven't seen him.
- Me neither.
- Hi, Sabrina.
Can I sit here? - Sure.
I wanna hear more about your ventriloquism.
- You talk with your stomach, right? JOEL: Harvey's a loser.
- Who said that? - Uhh-- My stomach's grumbling.
[GRUNTING.]
That's it.
Where are you? Where are you? When I get my hands on you-- Sabrina? Gotta go.
But you have to factor in, quarks remain forever trapped in the particles they create.
I know the feeling.
Yes, but, nowadays, all physics is subatomic physics.
I mean, between the bosons and the leptons and the quarks.
Since you took a breath, I thought I'd jump in with a new topic.
What's your favourite Bruce Willis movie? - I don't know.
Die Hard.
- One, two, or three? - Weren't they all the same? - No, two is very different.
Hilda, sister, dear.
Why don't you make like an atom and split? Fine, I can take a hint.
I'll leave you two alone to discuss your little quirks.
- It's quarks.
- I meant quirks.
- Don't talk.
Bad night.
- Know the feeling.
Thank goodness that she left.
Now we can talk about the first millisecond after the Big Bang.
- See, I think-- - Love me.
What? Sorry, it's just that, we finally get rid of your weird sister.
And all you can talk about is the Big Bang? I came here tonight hoping for more than science.
I wanted you to look into my eyes and see something other than rods and cones.
I love you, Zelda.
Don't you realise that? You never said anything.
I've been playing footsie with you all night.
That was you? I thought it was the cat.
What's the point? This is too humiliating.
I can't let him go.
Slippery floor.
Are you okay? - What happened? - Slippery floor.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
HILDA: I'll get it.
- What are you doing down there? BOTH: Slippery floor.
And now we're going back into the dining room.
- It's time for dessert.
- Dessert? Yes, dessert.
Oh, good, I like dessert.
SALEM: Animals.
Hello, who are you? I'm Harvey.
Is Sabrina here? Oh, come in.
So you're Harvey.
Salem, go get Sabrina.
SALEM: Why do I have to be the one? I have a few questions.
Hey, Sabrina.
- Guess who's here? - Very funny.
No, really.
Harvey's here.
Harvey's here? - Hi, Harvey.
- Hi, Sabrina.
I'll leave you two alone.
Take the cat.
[SALEM MEOWS.]
So, what are you doing here? I was worried about you.
I noticed you sort of lost it at the Slicery.
- You noticed? - Yeah, and I wondered if maybe you were mad at me? No, I'm not mad.
Good, because I was thinking maybe [MUTTERING.]
- What? - Oh, don't make me say it again.
I swear I didn't hear you.
Do you wanna go out with me? Like on a date? Like a real date? I'd love that.
Yeah.
When? - Now? - Let's go.
Wait, I should change first.
Hang here.
I'll be right back.
Actually, I'm gonna wait in my car.
I'm afraid your aunt will keep asking questions.
Meet you out front.
- Oh.
JOEL: Hi, Sabrina.
Joel? I totally forgot about you.
- How did you get here? JOEL: I came in with Harvey.
- Did you notice he noticed me? JOEL: Yeah.
So I guess I'm out of the running.
Joel, you never were-- Yeah, you're out of the running.
JOEL: I wish you'd like me, Sabrina.
I do, Joel, just not in the way you want me to.
But I like talking magic with you.
JOEL: You do? - Yeah.
Look, are you anywhere near my face? [PIANO PLAYING.]
JOEL: Actually, I'm at the piano.
- I didn't know you liked the piano.
- I thought it'd make girls like me.
- And did it? - No, girls like guitars.
Hey, wait here.
Play.
I gotta grab something in the kitchen.
[PIANO STILL PLAYING.]
Wow, you're good.
JOEL: Thank you.
- Yeah.
[COUGHING.]
- What are you doing? - I'm undoing.
And you know, Joel, some day some girl will appreciate all your hard work.
Maybe not in high school, but, I'm sure by late college.
Well, I better get going.
So I guess this is it.
I guess.
No, wait, we have English class together.
Oh, right, so I'll see you tomorrow.
Yeah, see you.
What's going on? Who are you? I'm Joel.
- You can see me? - Yes.
And you're not wearing any pants.
Joel, what are you doing in here? - Oh.
You can see me? - No, you're invisible.
- I am? - No! Get out or I'm telling Coach Saffo.
Man, I thought for sure I'd done it right.
I was Magic Joel once, and I will be again.
Get out.
I hate magic.
[PHONE RINGS.]
Hello? Oh, hi, Ethan.
Well, you're welcome.
Oh, well, yes.
Well, anytime.
I'd like that.
What are you doing now? Oh, you're at home.
You're eating a can of tuna? Salem, I can't believe you tricked me.
Ooh! Zelda? Zelda? Ze-- [PHONE BEEPS.]
What's her problem?