Santa Clarita Diet (2017) s01e08 Episode Script

1 [sighs.]
[muffled gasp.]
[sighs.]
[doorknob clicks.]
Hello.
I'm sorry, I'm not in the mood.
To say "hello"? I know your "hello's," honey, and that one was pouring me a glass of wine.
Well, it's been a few days and I guess I've just gotten used to the frequency, intensity and sheer insanity of your undead libido.
It hasn't been that crazy.
Sweetheart, we had sex in the bathroom at Target 'cause their logo turned you on.
It's obviously designed to look like a clitoris.
[sighs.]
I'm just feeling a little low energy.
Maybe I need to eat people with more iron in their diet.
It's okay.
We don't have to break a baby changing table every day.
How about I give you a foot massage? No strings attached.
Uh - I have to bake brownies.
- Now? It's 1:00 a.
m.
We have to check in on Lisa tomorrow so people don't get suspicious.
And nothing says "We didn't kill your husband" like a fresh plate of brownies.
- [door opens.]
- Can I at least lick the spoon? Give me something.
[instrumental theme music playing.]
So Dan is still officially considered missing, but I may have to face the fact that he's never coming back.
- That's terrible.
- We are so sorry.
- Can I have a brownie? - [Lisa.]
Of course.
Makes it a little easier knowing Dan was a crooked cop with a hundred grand stashed away while I'm running around with a $40 Michael Kors knock-off.
- Fuck you, that's a fake? - That's why I can't wear it in the rain.
- Sounds like everyone's moving on nicely.
- Kebab time.
- Oh, hello.
I didn't know we had visitors.
- Oh, it's you.
Here.
How wonderful.
Joel, Sheila, you remember Anne, Dan's partner? She has been so helpful to me and Eric these past couple days.
- I think it's what Dan would want.
- Such a rock.
- Wow.
- Uh-huh.
You guys want some shish kebabs? No, thank you, we're not kebab people.
And we just came by to check on Lisa.
And now having done that, we will return to our home to watch television.
Did you tell them about that guy Loki? That guy Loki? We thought Dan had killed this drug dealer, Loki.
We found his apartment trashed, blood everywhere.
But it turns out, the guy's not dead.
Mmm.
Mmm! Mmm! - Nothing beats a juicy, fresh tomato.
- Anne grows tomatoes in her garden.
I thought they would be too dry this year.
Tomatoes.
What can't they do? Vote? Drive? I don't know.
But, Loki? Oh, yeah, he was holed up at the Starlight Motel.
Said this couple was trying to bite him.
He must have gotten into some bad drugs because he also vomited everywhere.
[Lisa.]
So Dan's not a double murderer.
Just a single murderer, who had $100,000 and told me we couldn't afford a housekeeper once a month.
Exactly how much vomit are we talking about here, Anne? So much vomit.
We all thought he died.
But next day, he was gone.
This is a weird question, but did you happen to find something that looked like a small red ball? No.
[both sighing.]
Just this medium red ball.
Oh, my God.
- I'd call that small, Esther.
- Maybe.
I have little hands.
- Still.
- Did he leave anything else? Notebook.
I will not guess its size.
That's medium.
[shudders.]
- Look.
- "Must kill"? Oh, God.
We're nice and we've already killed three people.
Can you imagine what an undead person who started out as a murderer is going to do? - And it's all our fault.
- We are such assholes.
We have to stop him.
I think we bought too much stuff.
We've never killed a dead person before.
I don't know how to shop for that.
You could start by staying out of the cosmetics aisle.
I needed a brush.
Just once I'd like to come home from a store with only the stuff on our list.
Oh, I don't remember a men's manicure kit being on our list.
Now I don't have to borrow yours.
Look, the whole system broke down after you bought the brush.
I just embraced the chaos.
["Breakin' Outta Hell" by Airbourne playing.]
Tight.
Does this hat make me look like The Edge? No.
Wait, yes.
What do you want to hear? - Well, I'm wearing it.
- You look awesome.
Do you think we should get a gun? Statistically, if we have a gun, we're 2.
7 times more likely to hurt ourselves than Loki.
As is our right.
I think between the icepick and your hammer-knife thing and your beautiful nails, we're gonna get the job done.
Get what job done? The same job we do every day: selling a house.
It's in a bad neighborhood.
The bigger question is, why aren't you in school? 'Cause I'm selling a house in a bad neighborhood.
See how lame that excuse sounds? We said we'd be honest with each other, okay? I did not have a class last period.
Your turn.
Sweetie, we are not going to lie to you anymore.
But being honest does not mean that we are going to involve you in something where I may or may not look like The Edge.
Do you have any thoughts on this? Yeah.
Take it off.
And take me with you.
You're clearly about to do the coolest thing - that anyone in this family's ever done.
- You're not going.
And we did that water jet pack thing together and that was pretty cool.
And you got to do it twice and I only got to go once, even though it was my idea.
This sucks.
And that jet pack thing was not your idea.
That mortgage broker gave you his Groupon because he was too fat to fly.
Are we wrong? We've made mistakes as parents but we've never taken our kid to a murder.
I think we should hold firm on that.
The hat's out.
- [siren wails nearby.]
- [dog barking in distance.]
[man.]
Did it take long to find me? I asked the faithful light Did it take long to find me? Hey.
Came from a Matrix movie marathon.
Oh, I'm being followed By a moonshadow Loki is gonna kill someone here in front of all these people? He's completely out of control.
- Leapin' and hoppin' on a moonshadow - Uh Joel? Moonshadow, moonshadow If I ever lose my hands Loki? Lose my plow, lose my land And if I ever lose my hands We definitely bought too much stuff.
Oh, if I won't have to work no more It's my dad's.
I want to fix it up and ride it.
Why should my parents be the only ones who get to do cool stuff? - You mean kill people? - It's only bad people.
Come on.
One of the wheels is frozen.
Give me a hand.
Oh, uh, where are we taking it? There is an illegal chop shop like two rows down.
Chop shop? They chop things up, not fix them.
You're cute when you're scared.
Well, there's a lot more where that came from.
[laughs.]
Sure, cupcake, I can fix it for you.
I take cash, grass, or ass.
And I'm good on cash and grass.
- Dude, I'm 16.
- Yeah, me, too.
Nobody wants to fuck you, shit stain.
Noted.
Look, I have $400.
How soon can you get it done? - Tomorrow.
- Awesome.
- For 1200.
- 1200? This is two years of babysitting money.
It's all I have.
I'm so sorry.
Turns out I don't give a fuck about your problem.
- Shit.
- Maybe I can help.
Wha? - Where did you get that? - Oh, this? Took it from my stepdad's stash.
And you've just been carrying it around waiting for a cool time to pull it out? Well, yesterday at the froyo place I gave the girl an $89 tip but neither of you were looking.
So maybe I can help.
My whole world changed in that motel room.
It's like I chucked up everything that was holding me back and woke up with this new energy and Focus? That's exactly what I felt.
Do you sleep? - Barely.
- Me neither.
Do you feel pain? Never.
I carried a beehive out of our front yard.
I stared at the sun for an hour.
I ate a bottle to drive some drunks out of a park.
[Loki chuckles.]
- You did? When was this? - Thursday.
I can't believe we were gonna stab you in the brain.
We have so much in common.
[chuckles.]
I have a question.
In your notebook it says you "must kill" tonight at 8:00? Who are you planning on killing, Loki? - Everyone.
- Jesus.
With my music.
I was actualizing what I wanted to happen in my performance.
And it worked.
A couple from Chatsworth bought a CD.
That's wonderful.
I I want one.
Oh.
Loki: So Alive.
I love it.
It's ironic, but the irony is for such a specific audience.
$19, seems steep.
And there's only seven songs and one's a reprise, so six.
Isn't it wonderful how being undead frees us to be who we want to be? Yes! Music was always my passion.
But I had no self-esteem, so instead I embraced violence, like a drop of dew embraces a blade of grass.
- Hmm.
- Hang on a second.
[phone recorder beeps.]
"Like a drop of dew embraces a blade of grass.
" That's good.
Really? You like that? I think the imagery feels a little familiar.
I think it's beautiful.
"Blade of grass.
" Blade? Violence? It's the twist on the familiar that makes it so profound.
So we disagree.
So who are you planning on eating, Loki? 'Cause you are killing people, right? - It's not all just singin' and dancin'.
- I made a deal with my old gang.
They let me go, and if they need to get rid of a body they leave it in my van in the Magic Mountain parking lot.
By the way, that's, like, the third sketchiest thing happening in that parking lot.
Hey, you guys should join me for a meal sometime.
- [chuckles.]
- Actually, Joel doesn't eat people.
He's not one of us.
Oh.
That's cool.
You think? 'Cause it feels like you're being judgmental.
Honey, do you think you could pay our tab so we could leave? Also, uh, put something in Loki's tip jar for the CD.
- Please, that would be an insult.
- Done.
Thank you, honey, so much.
[gasps.]
My fucking toe fell off.
- What? - The little one, it just dropped off.
Has anything like that happened to you? - No.
That must be awful.
- I haven't told Joel yet.
He's not gonna be able to handle me deteriorating.
- Maybe I can help you.
- Really? We're the only two like us.
We have to look out for each other.
And learn from each other.
Thank you.
And may I share something with you? If you miss eating pizza, eat a man who just ate pizza.
Smart.
[rattling.]
Mr.
Magnet! Open up.
It's Abby.
Uh, the underage redhead you wanted to bone.
He might not remember your name.
The padlock's off the door.
[Eric.]
Oh, my God.
Whoa.
Damn.
Is that heroin? Judging by the smile on his face, I'm guessing it's not insulin.
- Check his pulse.
- You check his pulse.
- He liked you better.
- [tersely.]
Yes, he did! He's cold.
- [sighs.]
- Should we call the police? Here's my perspective on that.
We hired a guy who does illegal stuff to fix a bike we're not legally allowed to ride with money I stole from a corrupt cop whose body is in your parents' freezer.
So, no.
I get that.
Okay.
Let's grab my dad's bike and get out of here.
Where is it? I think it's everywhere.
He took our money and chopped it up for parts? Wow.
What a valuable learning experience.
Shall we go? When my parents see my dad's bike is missing they're gonna freak out.
- Huh.
- What? I'm just thinking, my mom eats people, and this is a person.
Those are both true statements, but I don't like the way you're connecting them.
They're gonna be mad about the bike, anyway.
If we keep him, my mom gets a few meals out of it and I get to show them I can handle their world.
Plus, something tells me Travis would enjoy a woman eating him.
[cell phone vibrating.]
Oh, hi.
How are you? - I'm fine.
What's that? - Just a text.
- Is it Loki? - I can't tell you that.
That would be a violation of my Fourth Amendment right to privacy.
That's interesting.
You haven't cited that amendment before.
Well, I'm citing it now because, well, I take the Fifth on that.
It's just hard to see you connecting with someone when you and I haven't exactly been burning up the bed sheets, we literally did last week when our candle play got out of hand.
So can I please see the text to put my mind at ease? - Are you saying you don't trust me? - Of course I trust you.
You know what, I'mma go downstairs, make a sandwich, and watch the game.
[grunting.]
[grunts.]
He's too big.
Plus, he won't bend, he's got rigor mortis.
Damn it.
You try to do something nice for your family.
Okay.
Weird idea? If we break his elbows and kneecaps, we can bend his limbs the wrong way and maybe Tetris the whole thing in.
Wow.
Okay.
Sure, I took karate as a kid.
Yeah, grab his leg.
Okay.
Okay.
Here we go.
Ready? I'm gonna I'm gonna snap this dead guy's leg.
You don't have to do this, Abby.
If he's still in one piece, we can put him back.
- But once we break him, we own him.
- My parents kill people.
My mom puts them in blenders and eats them.
I can do this.
- On three.
Ready? - [strained grunt.]
One two - Can I look? - Not yet.
- No peeking.
- Okay.
Now.
Wow.
A box full of feet.
I only needed the one toe but you got me a literal foot locker.
We can match the perfect color and size, and I know a doctor who can clip off the toe and sew it on you.
All he'll want is some cocaine and a handwritten thank you note.
Well, that's great, but where did you get all these? From small, bad men who were no longer using them.
Well, if they were just going to waste Mmm Sheila.
Your skin is so soft and cold.
What are you doing? Sheila, as far as we know, we're the only people like us in the world.
- We should be together.
- What? I'm married.
I've only met you twice and both times I was trying to kill you.
So our relationship starts from a place of passion.
No, this is crazy.
I love my husband.
[scoffs.]
It's just really disappointing.
Even dead men and women can't be friends.
Fuck.
- I will never give up, my evening rose.
- [van door shuts.]
- [phone recorder beeps.]
- "I will never give up, my evening rose.
" Also murder Joel.
[both panting.]
I'll wipe off my fingerprints.
[Abby.]
I'm such an idiot.
I lost your money, I let some creep chop my dad's bike up into a million pieces.
My parents are right.
I'm not ready for anything.
Seriously? Abby, you are the most awesome, capable person I've ever met.
You tear-gassed a drug dealer.
You gave me the confidence to stand up to my stepdad.
You saved your parents from a murder charge with just a flashlight like you're freakin' MacGyver.
Was that too honest? Was it just weird? Do you know who MacGyver is? Yes.
And you're always weird.
[nervous chuckle.]
All right, so was the needle in his right arm, or his left? I don't remember, uh, but I think it was in his left.
- [softly.]
Okay.
- Careful.
All right, here we go.
You ready? One, two and I'll just put it right here, that's good.
What's that? [alarm chirps.]
["Breakin' Outta Hell" by Airbourne playing.]
When'd you learn how to drive a motorcycle? Now.
Oh.
[engine revving.]
- [Abby.]
Whoo-hoo! - [Eric.]
Motherfuckers! [soft, romantic music playing.]
Joel? Joel? Whassup, Santa Clarita? March 27, 2000: that sign stood in front of our first listing.
- Everyone said we'd never sell it.
- The two-bedroom colonial.
- With the unpermitted garage.
- We closed at asking.
- [clinking.]
- [chuckles.]
Afterward, to mark the occasion, I made you the only meal I knew how to cook.
Spaghetti and meatballs.
Ohh.
- This is so sweet.
I wish I could eat it.
- You can.
It's made from 100 percent free-range Dan.
- Really? - The noodles are striated biceps.
The meatballs are from Honestly, I don't know where they're from.
It was a horrible mess.
Somewhere in the chest cavity.
- I can't believe you did all this.
- It wasn't easy.
I puked twice.
Also, I think we're gonna have to throw out the pasta maker.
I left it to soak, but it's not looking good.
Did you try vinegar and baking soda? That's how I got Gary out of my shoes.
[softly.]
Oh.
I shouldn't have made such a big deal about Loki.
It just freaked me out you two having so much in common.
But then I realized we've spent half our lives together.
No one will ever have more in common with you than I do.
That's wonderful.
And you're right, Loki is no threat to you.
Sheila! What are you doing? I told you I'm not interested.
And what's with the door, man? - You totally fucked up our door.
- I have the answer to your toe problem.
- You have a toe problem? - I was going to tell you Her toe fell off.
She knew you wouldn't be able to handle it.
- Your toe fell off? Oh, my God! - See? - Shut up.
- You shut up.
No, you, and I'm really pissed about the door.
- Guys! - Sheila, come away with me, and your toe problem won't be a problem, because I will accept you no matter how much you deteriorate.
You and I are the same.
We should be together.
Okay, look, clearly neither one of us wants to fight.
And I don't blame us.
I mean, look how big we are [yelps.]
and how strong.
Sorry, Joel, you seem like a nice man, but for Sheila to be free she has to stop clinging to her past.
- [straining.]
- [Sheila grunts.]
- Whassup! - [gasps.]
Come on! Let's go, go.
We have to kill him.
It's our only way out.
- I know.
So why did we come upstairs? - To get our weapons.
You mean the ones we weren't going to use so I put them back in the kitchen and the garage? - Yes, those! - Don't you get upset with me.
You're the one who bought me that Japanese tidying-up book.
I just wanted your shoes out of the hallway.
[Loki.]
Sheila! - Quick, barricade the door.
- Okay.
Why didn't you want me to know about your toe? That why we weren't having sex? - You didn't want me to see it? - Yes.
- Honey, I can handle it.
- I don't know if I can handle it.
Okay? What if this keeps happening to me? What if I'm breaking apart? What if I lose control and you have to kill me? What if we're too young to get married? What if we can't sell a house? What if this baby changing table can't support our weight? We'll figure it out, honey.
We always have.
- [thump.]
- [gasps.]
- Or we'll just die right here.
- At least we'll die together.
- Huh.
- Sheila! This is the right thing.
In time you'll see it.
[exhales.]
I take back everything I said about that brush.
I got the body in the car.
Are you sure you can't eat him? - It seems like such a waste.
- The undead can't eat the undead.
They're too dead.
Come here.
I want to see your toe.
I don't think so.
Maybe you never have to see it.
Maybe I just can have sex with my socks on.
Or heels.
Bet you'd like that, wouldn't you? I would.
But eventually I'd want to take them off of you.
Okay, get ready to have whatever the opposite of a boner is.
Is that it? That's nothing.
So far.
But what if it's just the beginning? Honey, we're gonna be okay.
We're gonna find a cure.
I've left messages for that guy with the Serbian book.
- But he didn't call you back.
- We will find him, I promise you.
In the meantime, you and I are gonna get through this togeth The fuck is that? - What? - Wow.
Uh-oh.
["Breakin' Outta Hell" by Airbourne playing.]
Wow! I'm gonna hit the highway And I never look back 'Cause you're just a memory I wish I never had When the walls close in It's time to get out Don't matter what's in front of me I'll find a way 'round it It don't matter no more I got my foot to the floor Like a bullet from a gun I was born to run I'm breakin' outta hell Breakin' outta hell I'm breakin' outta hell Breakin' outta hell I'm breakin' out, breakin' out - Breakin' out - Breakin' outta hell I'm breakin' Outta hell