Santa Inc. (2021) s01e08 Episode Script

Candy: Listen, listen! Santa and the Board are corrupt! This is going to end starting here and now! And I have a plan! -(all cheering) -Cookie: Yes, Candy! That's my best friend.
Mine.
Together, we are gonna burn this mother to the ground! (all cheering) We can force them to change because we are stronger together.
So, the plan is dramatic pause, drum roll -a walkout! -Crowd: Ahh.
On Christmas Eve, right before the sleigh takes off.
Then, we will show Santa and everyone we are the ones who make Santa Inc.
run.
-Without us, Christmas is nothing! -(all cheering) I knew you'd be into that.
(chuckles) And I call this plan Operation Santa Stink.
(confused grumbling) Get it? 'Cause instead of "Inc.
," it's "stink.
" God, Jesus, you guys are so picky.
What about Operation Fuck Santa? (all cheering) -Fuck Santa! -Fuck him! Now listen to Candy.
You did once before.
Thanks, Mrs.
C.
Now everyone, for the next month, act normal.
Get ready for Christmas Eve like every other year.
We can't let upper management find out our plan.
The element of surprise is everything, like this! (crowd cheers and whistles) (joyful music playing) Jingle Jim, I need you to go back to work this month and make sure Santa stays oblivious.
-You think you can do that? -Uh, duh.
Keeping Santa in the dark is my number one skill.
He still doesn't know about the weekend fuck-a-thons in his office.
What do you need me to do, Candy? (gasps) Ooh, can I be one of those cool lady spies who has to have sex with all the bad guys, so they'll stop being bad? Well, in a sense yes.
Fuck yes! A new season of "Leprechaun Kitchen"! Best night ever! (music on TV) Come on in and dance a jig ♪ See tiny hands make food that's big ♪ Leprechaun's Kitchen, oh yeah ♪ Dave-Pierre: When Christmas Eve is done, you'll come back to me and the Thirsty Deer, right? Because I -I love you.
-(chuckles) Oh! Oh my.
How, uh how super.
Oh, okay.
So, you don't love me back.
That's cool.
My ego can handle it.
I'm sorry, Dave-Pierre, I'm just figuring out who I am after years as a powerful man's wife.
I think I just need to explore what it means to be just Leonard.
You rejecting me to reclaim your autonomy is so fucking hot, Leonard.
But, just know, I would love, to one day -put a baby in there.
-(Mrs.
Claus laughs) That is so sweet.
I'm almost 80.
What the fuck? Eamon's going home? His cabbage and mash was the shit.
That looked delicious.
Did you see his plating? I know, but Shannon's soda bread was the best Chef ever had.
Fuck Shannon and fuck Chef! I don't care how many Michelin Clovers that asshole has.
He's a pretentious prick.
Baby! You're back! Mmm.
Hi I used your moisturizer.
Uh, is that all right? Nick! Is Devin, uh, living here? Of course not! No! (softly): Go, Devin.
Leave.
Beat it, kid.
"Kid"? What happened to "Dr.
D.
"? I'm sorry, I don't have anywhere to go.
My parents can't handle all the paparazzi.
-It's fine.
You can stay.
-Cool! Let me just say, I am so sorry.
I'm sure you wanna have a big talk about all your issues, which is obviously great, and exactly what I wanna do.
Actually, I'm pretty exhausted.
Can we not do the whole relationship talk -(chuckles) right now? -Yes, yes, of course! Whenever is good for you, and if that means not ever rehashing every inch of our relationship, which I'm totally happy to do, then, let's not do that, ever.
Oh my god.
Oh god.
You know, I am aware (sniffs) that you, probably, fucked that bartender, but if that means we get to eat cupcakes, I am-- I am okay with that.
Yeah! And, hey, I have no idea what you're talkin' about, but I like this setup.
Should we order wings, and play Never Have I Ever? Oh.
(chuckles) Ho, ho, ho.
Ho, ho, ho.
(all laughing) (garbage disposal whirring) What's up, motherfuckers?! We're back! And, this time, we're living here forever.
(sarcastically): You squandered all the money? Shocking.
I should've put money on that.
No, we missed you, Candy the Cynic.
Yeah, we did.
And we squandered it.
Except for what we used on that high-powered English attorney to get ya outta jail.
Wait, hold on.
Biscuit said she was paid by rapists and degenerates-- -Oh.
-Grandpa Smalls: In the Jewish religion, a true gift of charity is anonymous.
It's called tzedakah.
But in the Smalls family tradition, you wanna know how much we had to fork out to spring you? Aww, no, no need, but that is so nice.
It's almost like, I don't know, something people who love each other would do.
Get over here.
Candy, you're my only sister, and I've gotta tell you somethin' from the heart-- Hold on.
I have to say this right now -(flatulence) -Oh, what the fuck?! That's what I was gonna do! Come here! -Fuckin' fart on you! -(flatulence) Candy: Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow! Help me! Someone is attacking my daughter! (hopeful music plays) (intense music plays) Candy: The most important plan of action, do not let the A-Team eat those Christmas Spirit Bars by any means necessary.
We're talking trespassing.
Unbelievably realistic disguises.
Even it if means tampering with the Christmas chocolate supply.
♪ We're using our most intelligent inside resources to intervene in the energy bar swap.
Yes, everyone, I work here again.
You don't have to act cool.
I know you missed me.
She was? We live in a nightmare dumpster fire of hell! Oh, oh yeah.
(upbeat music playing) Candy: This year, we're fixing the sins of the past.
As God as my witness, as long as I live, there will be no meth addiction at Santa Inc.
ever again! I promise you that.
♪ (both grunting) This is so annoying! Where's my fuckin' rush?! Normally, after this many Christmas Spirit Bars, I feel like a Norse God commanding the sea to kill my enemies, but I just feel blah.
Ah, ah, I feel like I have lice.
-Is it supposed to be this itchy? -I don't know.
-Jingle Jim, is it supposed to be that itchy? -No idea.
Candy is in charge of all the fabric choices.
And I know it's a hat, but I feel like it makes my ass look fatter.
Is that bad or good? ‘Cause like, do I wanna leave some up to the imagination? I know it's on-brand, I know some people like fat asses.
Will you just shut up?! None of you know anything! I need Candy! (all gasp) It's a word as well as a name, and I got that low blood suge, so I need some candy.
That's what I meant.
Skittles or some fuckin' Twix, or a, a Rollo or some fuckin' shit.
Someone go get me some fuckin' candy! Coming right up, sir.
And can I get anyone an espresso drink? Scones? I'll take a double shot.
I'm the best employee that ever lived! (snoring) (sighs) So, does Candy think my thing with Devin is a total joke? I don't know.
We haven't talked about it.
Ha! There's no way Candy hasn't talked tons of shit.
I saw her once, and your name didn't even come up.
Mm-hm, so what did y'all talk about then? Oh, you know us (chuckles) topical world issues and such.
Uh events that are current.
Really? Say one thing related to the topics of today.
There was an election in some continents, and, you know, people like, uh, they got involved in it, and some, uh, super fucked-up shit went down.
Busted! You lying friend of a shit talker! -I'm not lying! -Of course, you are! You're a nervous wreck.
No, sir.
I am chill.
So chill.
Just a big bowl of chili.
Where's the hot sauce? Then why have you stress-eaten half of your husband? -Oh my god! -Spill it! Right now! Fine, Candy is planning a walkout on Christmas Eve, so Santa will realize how important we workers are, and finally make some changes! Mmm, mm, mm, mm.
Cookie, I wish you had the guts to admit Candy's talking shit instead of making up crazy crap like that.
You're on my list, too! Oh, oh my god.
Oh, I had this nightmare that someone threw a grenade at my legs, and they were blown off.
(yawns) But it was just a dream.
(gasps) Ahh! (joyful music plays) Today is your big day, since you'll most likely never find someone to marry you.
I can't wait ‘til you open it.
It's a hat.
Oh my god Dad's coal miner hat? Yes, your father is lookin' down on us, and is very proud of you, but if I know him stop staring at my tits, Dave! You said you buried this with Dad.
Wait, I've seen this before but upside down.
Oh, you keep your dildos in this, but I mean thank you.
Tony: Got a little somethin' in my eye here.
I can feel you picking my pocket.
Junior: I'm the leader of the sleigh.
I can be late, like a fuckin' boss, but I can't be actually late! Jesus! Any idiot knows you take the desolate back roads on Christmas Eve.
-What's wrong with you? -This mornin' at breakfast, my wife told me she was in love with a woman.
-This shit is insane.
-It's actually not.
-She was a lesbian when we met.
-Ahh! Fuck you, Penguin! I wasn't done speakin' to you.
(horns honking) (car radio plays) -(phone beeps) -Oh fuck! -(thud, tires screeching) -Ahh! (horn blaring) Oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck.
Junior? (grunting) I didn't see you.
No shit, you stupid asshole! Women drivers should be shot! (gasps) My nose! My fucking nose! Get me help! -I will.
Let me just-- -Learn how to not be a dumb shit? Impossible! Now, come on! Move yo' ass! Ow! Ah! Ah, shit! Take your little bitch elf digits, and call a fuckin' ambulance.
Move faster! I'm suffering, you insufferable idiot elf! Come on! Do something! I'm really hurt! I realize that you fucking caribou.
T-Then, why aren't you callin' for help? I'm, I'm sorry.
You're not a loser.
You're so fuckin' hot.
Once they stitch me up, I will totally fuck you.
Now go and call, please! (coughing) I hate you.
(grunts) Whoa.
(singing): Christmas is here ♪ Let's all give a cheer, hurray ♪ We've waited 365 days ♪ For Christmas to be here ♪ Pine trees we can smell ♪ Jingle a bell ♪ Toss a ball of snow, come on, Santa, let's go ♪ Christmas is here ♪ Hmm, big crowd.
-How's it going? -Perfectly according to plan as it does every year.
Coolio, featuring L.
V.
Let's go get these meet-and-greets out of the way.
Oh my god, finally! Sorry, sorry.
There was insane, um, traffic.
-Hey, Candy, we're all set up.
-Candy: Thanks, D.
P.
But, Cookie, why are you here? I thought you were supposed to be loading up the sleigh? Nope, I quit today.
I'm officially a stay-at-home mom now! But I wanted to wish you luck.
Yeah, thanks.
Th-Thank you, Cookie.
And, and, and I'm so happy for you.
-You seemed freaked out.
-It's just-- What if I did something really bad, but, you know, ultimately, it-it's for the greater good? Did you hire a hitman to kill Craig? -Because we're good now.
-(alarm sounds) Jingle Jim (on speaker): Greetings! It's sundown here at lovely Santa Inc.
, which means Operation Fuck Santa begins! What the fuck? (singing) The walkout is here ♪ Walkout, walkout ♪ Let's all give a cheer, hurrah ♪ Waited all our lives on a compromise ♪ And the walkout is finally here ♪ Our souls we did sell ♪ You can all go to hell ♪ Last year I lost a toe! Santa's such a fucking schmo! But I can still walk the fuck outta here! -(workers cheering) -(Devin whimpering) I bled for this company ♪ Green and red ♪ Now my bank account's empty ♪ And my heart is dead ♪ The walkout is ♪ Finally, finally, finally ♪ Jesus Christ, finally! The walkout is finally here ♪ What the hell is this? A walkout, sweetie.
Bye! - Health care is a -Workers: Right! Maternity leave is not A vacation! Hazard Pay Is earned! Santa and the Board can Workers: Suck our dicks! Look, I know you all have a lotta gripes with me, and how I run Santa Inc.
, but are you so out to just fuck me that you would destroy Christmas for millions of children-- Okay, enough! You're not gonna manipulate me again! No way! What about the kids-- What about the kids of the people who work for your company? You've been screwing them for generations! So, so, no, don't give me that kid crap.
You don't care about kids.
You care about yourself.
You don't know what you're talking about.
You know, I didn't.
But now I do.
I know everything, Santa.
I know everything.
About the meth, and the bribes, and the payoffs to coal families, and the illegal titanium exported from arms dealers in the Middle East to use in your lap implants.
That's a lie! What are you even talkin' about? Are you high right now? You look really high right now.
Your pupils are huge and tiny at the same time, and you look fucked! I know I'm right, and I can go right now, and tell the press, tell everyone, and you will go down in history as the most corrupt Santa who has ever lived.
Or you can agree right now to meet the workers' demands.
Maternity leave, coal miners retirement pensions, not to mention the lack of any real health care system.
And if you finally address these issues, I can agree to keep my mouth shut about your real legacy.
It's up to you.
This isn't about them, Candy.
This is about you.
Pfft, you're so wrong.
Well, take it from someone who knows, one day, it will be.
All: Hey! Hey! Ho! Ho! Ho! Santa Claus has got to go! Hey! Hey! Ho! Ho! Ho! Santa Claus has got to go! Everyone! Santa and I have spoken.
Turns out, he's a reasonable man, and he's agreed to our demands! (cheering) He agreed to implement maternity leave.
-(cheering) -What the fuck? And I missed out on it? Oh well, I guess Chubby Brenda can come clean now.
Everyone! Brenda's not chubby! She's having twins! (cheering) He agreed to give the coal miners a fair pension, so they can retire with the dignity they deserve.
Lumpy, now you can afford those dick implants! No more stuffin' penny rolls down your Speedo! Congrats, Lumpy! And congrats to all of you because we did it! And now, we will finally be treated fairly (cheering) which is why we need to abort Operation Fuck Santa Claus, get back to work, and make this the best Christmas ever.
(confused chatter) I know this seems confusing.
Walking out just so we can walk back in? I mean, uh, what kind of nutty protest is this? But Santa agreed to our most basic demands, so I'm confident more change is on the horizon.
And when you really think about it, you know, when you're a kid, there's only one day a year more special than any other day.
One day where you get presents just for being you.
Even if on other days your mom snaps at you, or your brother is annoying, or or your dad never makes it home from work.
There's one day when the world smiles down, and says, "You matter, kiddo.
" And that day is Christmas.
And we are the magic behind that day.
And, to me that's pretty fuckin' huge.
So, come on, guys! Let's get back to work, and get these fuckin' kids some fuckin' presents! - Feliz Navidad, motherfuckers! -(all cheering) Lookin' good, guys.
Stacks go by continent, you know, there you go! Uh, so is this when I give the pep talk to the reindeer? That, that happens tonight, right? It's that time.
How you feelin', champ? I guess, okay.
Um I'm so nervous I wish I was dead, -but, otherwise, I'm fine.
-Yeah, okay, well, maybe, don't worry about that right now.
Just, you know, enjoy the ride.
Woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo! Yeah! Hello A-Team! -You all good? -No, idiot, we're wiped out.
I've never felt so tired in my life.
And Junior's missing.
Wait, what?! Junior is missing? I-- Where could he be? That, that's crazy! How-- Who could see that coming? Hello? Is there a problem? Junior is missing! It's bad! It's really, really bad! Just stop panicking, Devin! Ugh, chill out! -(Devin crying) -But this seems bad! Is it bad?! It seems really bad! It's okay.
You guys get on the sleigh.
We have systems in place to handle this.
-You're up, bitch.
-What? Junior isn't here.
We don't have time to wait for him.
No one's more capable to lead that sleigh than you, Goldie.
And that goes for all of you.
You've been training hard all year.
The A-Team doesn't have the strength to do it this year, but you guys do! So, come on! It's go time! Yes, ma'am, bitch! -Oh, what a relief.
-I couldn't have made it.
Jesus, I could sleep for a year.
-You're gonna do great.
-Thanks.
I love you.
But, hey, what about the light? Junior leads the sleigh with the glow from his nose.
This really means the world to me.
Is it supposed to smell like dildos? That's on purpose.
Now kick ass up there, bitch.
Ah! Goldie! Oh my god! Your dream is coming true! And we all love each other again! Ah, my girls, my sisters.
The big three, we're back, baby! (cries) This is a beautiful moment for friendship.
I love you guys, but can we do this tomorrow? I gotta go! Tell me what the back of Dolly Parton's house looks like! Merry Christmas! And to all a kick-ass night! Peace! (cheering) -Secure line for Santa.
-Go for Santa.
It's Candy, sir.
I just wanted to say before you left, you were right.
It is all about the kids.
I'm glad you realized that.
-Candy: One more thing.
-What's that? Remember I know everything so I own you, fat man.
♪ (chuckles) Oh we have fun.
(ominous music playing) (light fizzling) (upbeat music playing) ♪ Santa, Santa, Santa, Santa, Santa, Santa ♪ Santa, Santa, Santa, Santa, Santa, Santa ♪ Santa, Santa, Santa, Santa, Santa, Santa ♪ Santa, Santa, Santa, Santa, Santa, Santa ♪ Santa, Santa, Santa, Santa ♪